Original subtitles

Hmm.

Hmm.

um um

Mmm.

Oh.

Butterfly.

Oh.

I'll notify Nocturna.

I have already been informed, Nocturna, of your failure in obtaining the item

that we requested.

I don't understand what happened. Our plans went perfectly.

I assured my organization that you and your hand -picked operatives would not

fail. That was difficult, as all of you are women. We do not tolerate failure.

You will not fail us again.

No, unlike Octo... Shh! Never say Octopussy.

The photos are in the hands of Tasty Delight, who will undoubtedly demand a

substantial sum of the British government for their return.

So it was Tasty.

Yes. Our former colleague, who has betrayed us, is very enterprising, it

which is very embarrassing to me.

I had already begun negotiations to sell the photographs back to the Russians.

The British secret servants will no doubt send their best operative to find

Tasty. That would be James Baum.

But he must be old and fat by now.

But a ruthless man, yet suave.

He has a license to kill.

He also has a learner's permit to make out.

I know.

The British, they don't mind violence, but they're so stuffy about sex.

You will have to make sure that he doesn't find tasty before you do. As you

immune to whatever charms he has left, you should have no difficulty in seeing

to it that both their deaths are most distasteful.

I want a direct report of your progress in retrieving the photographs.

before my dear. Not so hard when I'm discussing business.

Always remember, business before pressure.

for another assignment, which undoubtedly will prove to be exciting,

and packed with passion and romance.

Well, how was she?

How was who?

The little Liebling in the tie roll.

Isn't that why you were gone so long?

Actually, there were two reasons.

Can your heart still take it?

Miss Pennypacker, if you've finished lollygogging with Baum, I'd like to see

in my office, please.

you enjoyed yourself while you were in the Tyro.

Yes, sir, but I wasn't able to get in very much skiing. Never could understand

what people would see in that sort of thing.

Waste of time, really.

Well, did you get him?

Yes, sir.

Took me some days to smoke him out, but he won't be making a nuisance of himself

anymore with his candid photographs.

Rather keep the film he took, sir.

Yes. I imagine you would.

A lot of well -known people are going to be delighted to hear that fellow's out

of commission, but with all the cheap periodicals just begging for his

scandalous photographs.

Before I tell you why I summoned you back here, perhaps we should have lunch.

Miss Pennypacker.

Yes, sir?

Would you order us lunch?

I'll have a tuna fish on rye and a glass of milk.

What'll yours be, James?

Oh, just a snack, sir. I think I'll start with a chilled oyster bouillon,

followed by a fillet of venison, slightly charred over a one -quarter

flame, and covered with braised mushroom tips.

That's it, James.

Why do you always act so suave and sophisticated?

Just once, couldn't you be a normal, uncouth, boring asshole like the rest of

us? I'm sorry, sir, but my fans expected of me.

You see, there are all these James Bond books and Technicolor movies.

Precisely my point.

And now every enemy of England knows your trademarks.

Your obsession with fine food.

Your success with beautiful women.

Your coolness at the gaming table. And your utter disregard of danger.

Surely, sir, you didn't send for me to go through all that again.

We are, as usual, being threatened by some master criminal who heads a

powerful organization bent on murder and destruction, aren't we?

Exactly. Four days ago, some very valuable photographs were stolen from

Soviet embassy in Istanbul.

Those photographs would be an embarrassment to the British government

ever went public.

Our job is to get a hold of those photographs before that happens.

We've checked up, and the theft appears to be the work of a very professional

thief.

Very much like this person.

Who's she?

Tasty delight.

A notorious jewel thief.

Everything indicates that this is her style of work.

We believe that she's allied herself with an international crime syndicate

headed by Nocturna Vigil, otherwise known as Thunder Pussy, which is what

calling this operation.

Operation Thunder Pussy.

That's all very good in theory, sir, but just how do I go about finding this

tasty delight?

We don't have much to go on yet.

By now, she could be anywhere in Europe.

This ordinary -looking attaché case contains a folding rifle, a concealed

a hand grenade launcher, a tear gas canister, and a tactical nuclear weapon,

just in case of emergency.

Call me a weirdo, sir, but I've always preferred sex to gadgets.

This money belt contains 200 gold sovereigns, carried around you at all

Should you locate Tasty and she has the photographs, buy her off.

If she refuses to sell, you'll have to persuade her some other way.

Drawing on experience with the ladies, I would say that I'd be able to manage

somehow, sir.

But you're getting older, James, and fatter.

When duty calls, are you still able to get it up?

Well, never mind that. Are you ready to leave immediately?

Yes, sir. I travel light. All I need are my gun and my wit.

Yes, you do travel light.

I've heard your wit.

Follow him, Carstairs.

And watch carefully.

You may be replacing him one day.

Yes, sir.

Bye, James. Take care.

I will, Mr. Pennypecker.

Miss Pennypecker, James, I'm a woman, and I'm secretly in love with you. Why

you keep ignoring me?

Keep ignoring who?

See what I mean?

Sorry, sir. I'm in a hurry.

James, why did you treat me like a man?

Because, my dear Pennypecker, compared to the girl that I hope to meet on this

assignment, you are a man.

I say, that was an awfully bad joke to make about the backbone of the Secret

Service. Why did you put up with it?

Oh, I don't know.

I suppose it's because I've known him for such a long time.

You know, it wasn't always like this.

A few years ago, we were... Well, personally, I think you're smashing.

Oh?

Yes, I believe it's customary for you to give new agents a big send -off on

their first assignment.

What I've heard is true.

And what have you heard?

That wouldn't be gentlemanly of me to tell, now would it?

Actually, I believe we could be of benefit to one another, if it is true.

I could help you get him back.

All you have to do is give him just cause, shall we say, to be jealous of

Now would that be hard?

You know, I think you're right.

Well, I haven't got much time. We'd better hurry.

Well, what are we waiting for?

Thank you.

You're all secretaries in the secret service.

I love this subject.

Thank you.

Never gave you a fuck like that, did he?

Oh, yeah.

Ah, James.

Hello, Fluttersque.

Minister Fovey would be coming in. This is something new I've been working on.

It's an aphrodisiac pill made for me by the Up Company.

Aphrodisiac pill?

Yes, you know, you're not up to par as you once were at your age.

You have to have a little edge, huh, James?

Swallow it faster or your neck will get stiff.

Where's my Aston Martin?

Aston Martin? Oh, we're not using that car.

Not with all the driving you'll be doing. Besides, I've assigned it to

for a while. What, with all those useful gadgets? The oil slick, the smoke

screen, the twin -barrel machine guns, and the ejector seat?

Oh, but that heap only got six miles to the gallon.

What with the price of petrol these days. Wow.

But I have another vehicle for you. Just terminate for this assignment.

You're joking.

He's crossing on the morning hovercraft.

Right.

Just give him his head.

And don't crowd him.

Yes, sir.

Mr. Baum, I'm so sorry.

Is there something I can do for you?

What did you have in mind?

Well, I imagine you could say that he's on the case, sir.

He's eating like the Labor Party, just one in Parliament.

Eating? Is that all?

Kids love to eat.

Remember what I told you.

Do we have to talk now?

Something big's just about to come up.

This is very important.

Interpol has found Tasty's car at the Hornet Hotel Royale in Monte Carlo.

Hotel Royale in Monte Carlo?

Are they sure it's Tasty's car?

I see.

Mm -hmm.

Uh -huh.

I see.

All right, Minister.

I'll leave in the morning.

Yes, good night.

Good

night.

Mr. Bob, a message for you.

Did a young lady read this for me?

Yes, sir. A very attractive young lady.

Where are the Roman ruins?

Your pictures don't do you justice.

Very flattering, Mr. Baum.

I understand you've been looking for me.

Yes, all over Europe.

I believe you've got something that I want.

From what I've heard, every woman you meet has something that you want.

Well,

now this isn't the place or time for this.

What do you suggest?

Well, for starters, this.

Good makeup job, whoever you are, but I happen to know that Tasty Delight is in

Monte Carlo.

Mr. Bomb.

But you're up against more than you know.

Who are you working for?

For me, Mr. Bomb.

Ah, not Turner.

Or should I say Thunder Pussy?

Wondered where you'd gotten to.

You didn't fool me a bit last night with that nurse's uniform.

I knew it was you all the time.

This was easier than I expected.

I admit I was... Apprehensive about pitting my skills against a great James

Bond, but I realize now I overestimated you both in and out of

bed. I beg your pardon?

We are professionals, Mr. Bond, and we must be prepared to do anything to

achieve our objective, even if it means having to buck a bald in the Middle

East, or else there isn't a punch.

You think I enjoyed last night?

Believe me, lady, what I did was for queen and country.

You persist in trying to provoke me, Mr. Baum, but let me assure you,

it's over.

Now that I realize that taste is in Monte Carlo, I will retrieve the

and you will no longer be a threat to my plans.

When I am gone, kill him.

Goodbye, Mr. Bum.

You must be slipping, James, letting her get the drop on you like that.

How long have you been here?

Long enough to enjoy the show.

She sure had me fooled. I thought she was tasting myself.

What do you know about her?

What are you doing here, anyway?

Well, the minister sent me along to keep watch on you. Thought I might come in

handy, that sort of thing.

Obviously, he was right. I've been following you since you crossed the

Channel. Well, you can go back to London. I can find Tasty myself.

I don't need your help.

Great Scott, Tasty.

She's in Monte Carlo and Thunder Pussy's after.

What are you going to do?

I'm going to stay here and keep watch on this one. You go ahead. I'll catch up.

Right.

all the bullshit, shall we?

Both know that we secret agents would really rather fuck than fight any day.

Oh, and you'll do your best for queen and country, won't you?

That's right.

Close off.

Oh, you nasty.

Don't say I'm nasty.

Say I'm dirty nasty.

Yeah, very nice.

As you said, I do my best for a cleaning country.

Well, Sidney, listen to me very carefully.

Yes, I understand.

What are you doing in your robe wasting time?

When are you going to make the deal with Tasty?

You're new with the service, aren't you?

Don't rush me. This is the way I operate.

And don't worry.

She'll come.

They always do.

Where's the money belt?

Money belt? In a safe place, and I bet you can't find it. Oh.

Right here.

You peaked.

You finally caught up with me.

I knew you would. All my life I've heard about the famous James Bond.

Master spy.

Connoisseur of fine wines.

Devotee of the martial arts.

Sophisticated gourmet.

And super lover.

Make love to me like you did to that girl in the Baltimore Bahamas.

Or that girl in the bridal suite in Istanbul years.

You see, I know all about you, James.

Tasty, I'd like very much to make love with you. Really, I would.

Well? Well, right now I happen to have a splitting headache.

Especially for me. How many men have you killed?

Only four or five this week.

But I've been in a very good mood lately.

Okay, forget that. Let's get down to business.

Have you got the film?

All right, James.

I have it. What are you offering?

200 solid gold sovereigns on the international market worth...

75 ,000 American dollars.

A deal.

Where were you hiding that?

I'll never tell.

You don't seem to be very serious about repaying for this, are you? I didn't

take it for the money.

I took it so I could meet you.

Hey, how do I know this is the McCoy?

You doubt my word.

The only thing I doubt is whether these are real or not.

Well, then I'll show you.

You can stop wondering.

Right.

But before I make love, I must have a martini first. It's my style, you know.

Right. Vodka martini, shaken and not stirred.

You have been studying my style, haven't you?

Afterwards, come back and pretend we're in Hong Kong, making love in a Murphy

bed. Just before those Tongassesses crashed at the door and tried to kill

Only we'll be all alone.

action again

We thought you were dead, killed by one of your own.

A clever ruse so that you could remain underground.

I'm sorry, sir. I do not know what you're talking about. I'm just here to

cleaning. Come off it, Nocturna.

I'd hope to meet up with you someday.

We had a mutual friend.

A man named Lombard.

I'm sorry, sir. I do not know anybody by that name.

Oh, yes, you do.

He told me all about you before he died from the poison you put in his drink.

He told me you had the blackest heart and the hottest pussy of any dyke he'd

ever met.

Your heart doesn't interest me, Nocturna.

I'll take his word for that.

But your pussy, now that I'll have to see for myself.

Take off your clothes.

You know,

James, I think this could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.

I always said that...

You do have the heart. I'll see you in a minute. I can't believe it.

If you can get the head like that, maybe I shouldn't kill you.

I can't take this any longer, James.

Come and make love to me like you did to that famous lady flyer, the one who

tried to knock off Fort Knox.

You know that to meet your contact.

That was all.

Attention, the passengers for the flight...

Passengers for flight number 205 to Istanbul please

present yourself immediately at door number 25.

Whatever brings you back to us, my friend.

Whatever I can do to help you, I am, of course, at your service.

Something very important.

In that case, my friend, let us sit.

We will speak of the old days.

Hassan!

Coffee.

Do not move, my friend.

Whatever you do, do not move.

Got them.

Now, what can I do for you?

I'm looking for a gypsy.

Like the old days, remember?

The wild one who nearly scratched your eyes off?

Yes, I remember.

What do you have in mind, my friend?

Something young and shapely and not too narrow in the hips, eh?

Just the perfect girl for you. Fatima.

Not what I had in mind.

Looking for a man.

A man?

My friend, you could not have changed that much.

You don't understand.

looking for a man who owns this.

What will you do when you find him? Give it back and take something from him

that I want.

It all sounds very strange to me, but you English are a strange lot, I have

always thought.

Come, my friend. Stay with us a while.

Have you forgotten what Muslim women can be like? Many thanks, Ali Bey, but I

have to keep looking for the gypsy I'm after.

Gypsies are not well liked anymore. They steal too much.

They can usually be found down at the harbor.

playing for handouts.

You have only to wait, my friend.

Woof!

Carstairs knew the risk of this assignment, James.

And I know who's responsible for killing him.

Tasty had nothing to do with it. She played it on the square.

She got scared when Carstairs was killed.

That's why she disappeared.

But how do you know all this, sir?

Because Tasty came over to our side.

What? Even before you left.

She turned the photograph over to us in exchange for a new identity here in

England. The photograph she gave you... were fakes but why why did i give you an

assignment when there really wasn't an assignment i wanted to see if you still

had it in you after all these years it was a test some test i must

confess sir that when i went to look for tasty i lied to you i am having trouble

getting it up from time to time and i know that my entire career has always

depended upon my sexual capacity with the ladies Now I know I'm over the hill,

and I think I've lost it.

I think I should resign for the good of the service.

Hello?

Yes, Minister.

Is he there?

Hello?

Oh, James.

forgive me for running away?

I was so afraid I didn't know what you would do.

That's all right, Tasty. The minister explained everything to me. But this was

your last assignment, James, and I spoiled it for you. I know I did.

Well, you got what you wanted. Not everything, James. I didn't get you.

You'll have to forget me now, Tasty.

I'm not the man that my reputation makes me out to be.

That man is gone.

I'll never believe that, James.

You're still the greatest in my book.

Thank you, Tasty.

Goodbye.

Remember the good times.

It helps.

I know.

James?

What are you going to do now?

I don't know.

Quite a reputation to follow, Stuart.

You know that. Yes, sir.

Tasty will be working under you from now on.

I suggest you get better acquainted.

Yes, sir. I sure will.

You have failed for the last time, Nocturna.

You know the penalty for failure.

I didn't know you'd come here.

I don't. I knew you'd be here.

Thanks a lot, but sympathy's something I don't need just now.

No sympathy, James.

My only regret is I never caught up with Thunder Pussy.

I wonder where she is right now.

have you been all these years?

Waiter, champagne for two.

Tell me, Pennypecker, have you ever been to the Riviera?

Is someone there?

Ah, good evening, Tasty.

The minister says we'll be working together now, you under me.

Rehearse a little, huh?

Come in.

You know, Pennypecker, this could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.