Original subtitles

Ever heard the one about the rent boys that got done for armed robbery?

Be funny if it weren't so fucking terrifying.

- Byron? - Hmm, yeah.

Liam Murphy's not shown.

The judge wants to sentence you together.

Er, does that mean...?

You can go.

I'm not going to prison?

Not today.

There'll be another date through the post.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God.

Mwah! Oh, thank you so much.

Thank you so much. Thank you. I love you so much.

In the meantime, to the pub.

Take it easy.

There's nothing like a jail sentence hanging over you

to make you appreciate life.

Music's better.

Food's tastier.

Every song, cigarette, hour,

gets me closer to my fate.

Byron?

Liam's not shown.

Until then, I might as well make the most of it.

Liam's not shown.

Liam's not shown.

Liam's not shown.

Oh!

Have you been self medicating?

Alison's my Youth Offending Officer.

Cos it can be very unsettling, all this waiting.

Yeah, it's better than going to prison, isn't it?

Maybe I should write Liam a little thank-you letter.

Do you know where he is?

Obviously not, Alison.

I mean, people keep saying Ireland, but no-one's seen him in months.

I'm not going to write him a fucking thank-you letter, am I?

He's the whole reason I'm in this mess.

Er...

Byron, do you know what accountability means?

Yes. I am being accountable.

I'm here, aren't I?

It's him, he's the one who's fucked off.

Sorry. Er...

Sorry.

All right. Well...

erm, the good news is

we can use, er, this extra time to get you another character reference.

But I thought my teacher... I thought he wrote you one.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he did.

Erm, he said you were exceptionally clever...

when you turn up.

Yeah, well...

I can't concentrate with all this going on.

No, I know.

I just want Judge Shaw to see the best picture of you.

You know, the Byron that we all know and love.

Yeah, then he'll definitely bang me up, babes.

Oh, what?

You can take that, if you like.

No, I don't. It's fine.

So, this character reference, you think it's helpful, yeah?

Erm, yeah.

Yeah, they can be very helpful.

OK.

Byron, will you fucking get that? You're doing my head in.

Yeah, it's my mum.

Do you think she knows about my court case?

- And what if she does? - Oh!

- They your hormones? - They are.

Where did you get them from?

Black market purchase.

Is that why they don't work?

Ha-ha, very funny.

Listen, I need you out today. Me and Bradley need some alone time.

You mean you're watching TV and hiding from Bev.

We don't just watch TV, thank you very much.

Bradley can't keep his hands off me.

You sure he's worth all this?

- Oi, Sash. - He's thick as two planks.

Yeah, he is. Morning.

Right, you about ready, then, Sash?

We better get started on it if we're going to fit it all in.

God, it's bad enough hearing you two through the walls.

She sounds like a seal getting clubbed.

"Oh! Bradley!

"Bradley! Bradley!"

Nah, my cousin borrowed me this box set. 24.

And each one's, like, an hour of a real day or summat.

- Apparently it's well good. - Wow.

So we're just going to sit and watch it all, aren't we, babe?

How long do you reckon that'll take, Bradley?

- Got to be a while, ain't it? - Mm.

24 hours, I reckon.

Well, fuck, that's a lot.

- What...? - Hi.

- Give me... - Hiya, Lisa. You all right?

Oh, no, it's Sash. I'm good, babe, how are you?

Oh, you want Byron? Yeah, he's here now.

I'll pass him on now. All right, babe. Ta-ra. Bye, bye, bye. Bye.

Yeah, yeah, I'm here.

Well, no, I wasn't ignoring you.

And so I said, "Mam, it's gazpacho. It's meant to be cold."

She was having none of it.

Right, Mam, what do you want?

Sorry, I just... I've got somewhere to be.

Oh, right, yeah. Well, I've got news.

No, I've got something to show you.

It's France. Bobby's friends just got back a few months ago

and I were thinking of booking.

Great. Well, yeah...

It looks gorgeous. Enjoy that.

No, it's... it's for us. For you and me.

What?

I mean, we've never been on a proper holiday.

And I thought, you know, it'd be nice doing something together.

Er, I-I don't... I can't go.

Why? You're not going to miss college or anything.

No, I know, it's... it's not college. I just can't go.

Is it because of this court case?

- You know? - Yeah, of course I know.

Your mommar told me.

Oh, my God, Mum, listen.

Listen, please. Don't panic, I can explain.

Byron, I'm not happy about it, all right?

But I checked, or your mommar checked,

and we spoke to this woman, Andrea.

- Alison. - And she said that if you don't break the terms of your bail,

then you should be fine.

But I don't want you thinking this holiday's some kind of reward.

- I don't. - Because it's not. - I know.

I mean, where on earth did you learn to nick a car?

I don't know.

But I am so, so sorry.

I haven't mentioned anything to Bobby, so you don't say a word, OK?

OK, not a word.

- Hi! - Hiya, love.

- How are you? - Yeah. - Hey, Bobby.

Byron, what a nice surprise.

- It's lovely to see you. - Thank you.

- Hi. - Hiya.

Die, suddenly she wants to spend quality time with me.

I'm telling you, babes, I don't trust her.

I thinks she's doing it because she wants to impress this new man.

Mm. Can I have this, by the way?

Maybe she's just being nice, Byron.

Yeah.

Suppose first time for everything.

Although, babes, it does mean I can't come to you birthday.

Ah, don't worry about it.

I think I'm going to have a quiet one this year, you know.

- Yeah? - Mm. - Don't want you having too much fun without me.

Can't believe I've got to go fucking France.

Your life jacket is stowed beneath your seat.

- Want a mint? - No, thanks.

Mint?

Oh, my God. I want to get off.

- If only. - No, I'm fucking serious, let me out.

- No, stop. - No, Mum, I'm serious.

What if it crashes? Or there's a bomb?

- Or I need a fucking piss? - Don't say there's a bomb on the plane.

Shut up!

Sorry, it's his first flight.

- Oh! - Well, don't look!

Whoo!

Stop it!

Bloody hell. Could've had a lift.

Oh, it's got a weird smell in here.

I said twin beds, not a double bed.

OK.

By?

Ah!

It's fucking freezing!

Come in!

Mum!

You're mad!

Oh!

Got enough there, By?

I reckon so, yeah.

I thought they'd at least have proper coffee.

You can get Nescafe in Hucknall.

- Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum! - We'll go to the park in a bit, OK?

- We'll go to the park in a bit. - I saw some people on there, though.

- We will go... - I can make new friends.

I'll take him down for an hour. You have a relax.

- See you in a bit. Come on, then. - Thanks, babe.

He was the same.

What, a little twat?

Sorry, sorry.

It's just, yeah, he won't shut up

and my other one hasn't spoken since the turn of the millennium.

So... He's 17.

Oh, same as By.

Hi.

Well, you're obviously doing a better job than me.

Oh, no. He's always been a bookworm.

I can't take any credit for that.

It's all Greek to me!

Very good.

I know it starts with a horse.

No, it ended with a horse, Mum.

Remember, the horse ended the war.

- Oh. - I wish my students shared your enthusiasm.

Yeah, everyone in my class thinks it's dead boring.

What do you think?

I think them goddesses, they all got together,

they caused a war because they wanted to see who's most beautiful.

And Menelaus, well, I think the only reason he wants poor old Helen back

is because she's the most beautiful woman in the world, supposedly.

So, maybe you think it's a bit reductive?

No, I don't.

I guess, I think it's truthful.

I mean, everyone nowadays goes on about

it's what on the inside that counts. But it's not, is it?

I mean, then at least good old Homer,

at least he was honest about it.

You've got a very smart kid on your hands there.

Bloody hell.

- Hello? - Sash, Sash. Put Die on.

I, erm...

I can't see her, babe, sorry.

What? I thought she was having a quiet one.

Yeah, it's just a few people.

Erm, a letter come for you as well.

You've got a court date next month.

Yeah, well, unless anyone's seen Liam,

I don't think that's happening.

Yeah, they, um... they have.

What?

Mm. Yeah, people are saying he's back in Notts.

- Are you there, Byron? - Yeah, yeah, I'm here.

Oh, I've got to go. I've got to go, babe. Enjoy France.

OK, well, Sash, tell Die I said happy birth...

It's Liam, don't leave a message.

By? Is that you?

I was about to send out a search party.

Yeah, well, I needed some air.

You could've let me know.

Did you manage to get hold of your friend?

Yeah, I spoke to Sasha. They're having a party.

Oh, we should go dancing!

- You're all right. - Yeah, we should. It's Friday.

I don't want to go out dancing.

I didn't even want to come on this fucking holiday.

Oh, well, I'll leave you at home next time, then.

I don't want to go home either. I just want to fucking disappear.

Hey... What's brought all this on now? What's the matter?

Because I'm going to prison, Mum.

Don't be daft, you're not going to prison.

Why does everyone keep saying that?

Because you don't get banged up for nicking a car.

Come on, you're a kid. You made a mistake.

We all did. I made mistakes.

Great. Meaning me.

You're not a mistake. You're not going to prison.

You're clever.

And you're good.

No, I don't think I am.

Well, you're good enough.

And I love you, so you can't.

Sorry for crying.

Don't apologise.

You're going to make me cry.

Well, I guess, if we're not going to go out, then...

we're just going to have to have a little dance here, then.

What are you doing?

Just in the club, babe.

Mum, please, stop it. You're making me feel worse.

Am I? I feel better.

Mum, please! Honestly, please, stop it.

You're embarrassing yourself. There's not even music on.

Oh. Oh, there's music.

Look at that grumpy face.

Do you feel better?

Just let it out.

♪ Walked through many doors

♪ The place where I want to be

- ♪ Is the place I can call mine - I'm coming

- ♪ Is the place I can call mine - I'm coming

♪ Coming closer to you

♪ I'm moving, I'm coming

♪ Can you hear what I hear?

♪ It's calling you, my dear

- ♪ Out of reach - Take me to my beach

♪ I can hear it calling you

♪ I'm coming, not drowning

♪ Swimming closer to you

♪ Never been here before

♪ I'm intrigued, I'm unsure

♪ I'm searching for more

♪ I've got something that's all mine

♪ I've got something that's all mine

♪ Take me somewhere I can breathe

♪ I've got so much to see

♪ This is where I want to be

♪ In a place I can call mine

♪ In a place I can call mine... ♪

- Shall we go for a drink? - What?

- Let's go for that drink, shall we? - Yeah? - Yeah.

- Where to? Beach bar? - Yeah. Let's go to the beach bar.

OK, well, as long as I can stay in chiffon.

Mm, mm, mm!

No! I told Bobby I quit.

Well, Bobby's not here, is he?

He won't care anyway.

Honestly, he's not controlling, like your...

Like my dad?

- Mm. - I'm glad to hear it.

- Thanks. - You know, he does care about you,

your dad.

I think the evidence would suggest otherwise, don't you?

He said to me the other day that...

he knows you've been dressing as a girl.

Have you?

I'll give it to you.

You know how to wind him up.

I don't think it's about him, if I'm honest.

What's it about?

Attention seeking?

No, I just...

I just think it's who I'm meant to be.

Well, I know how that feels.

I-I feel like I should've been born someone else.

You know, like, born into a different place.

I don't think it's quite like that, if I'm honest, Mum.

Well, what is it like?

You listen to me.

You are who you are.

You can't change that

and you shouldn't want to.

There's nothing wrong with you.

Don't worry, it's not for me, it's for Mommar.

I wouldn't waste your money.

I'm not a wasting my money. She'd love it here.

Your mommar's never been out of Hucknall.

God, you can't help but dig at her, can you?

- I was just saying. - Because the only reason she's never left Hucknall,

cos someone had to look after me, didn't they?

Oh, yeah. She's a saint.

Yeah, she is.

Well, she's a much better grandmother than she was a mam.

Oh, well, there's fucking hope for you, then, in't there?

It's gorgeous.

Whatever she's having, please, and this. It's my treat.

Have you ever actually thought as to why I left?

I was 16 years old. I were younger than you, and had a tiny baby.

Yeah, well, that was your choice, wasn't it?

- What about your choices, eh, Byron? - I didn't have any.

- Not with you for a mam. - Anything else?

No.

OK. So, this bother that you're in now,

that's my fault as well, is it?

Yeah, well, I'm a product of my environment.

You are such a fucking git sometimes, do you know that?

Oh, there she is.

We don't want Bobby to hear that, though, do we?

- Bobby knows me. - Does he know you fucked off to Turkey?

Left me all alone, abandoned me for some bloke you barely knew?

Look, I know I haven't always done right by you.

I haven't ever denied that.

But I am trying now.

Oh, yeah?

Stale croissants and a two-star hotel.

Yeah, because that'll make up for 17 years of neglect, won't it?

- Fuck off, Byron! - Stupid fucking cunt.

You know what? Fuck it.

Armed robbery.

That's what I'm being charged with.

I didn't nick a car.

I robbed a bloke.

He was going to pay me for sex.

You're lying.

You didn't, did you?

Oh, fuck. Fuck.

You coming to breakfast?

Oh, hi.

Hi.

No mum today?

Oh, she's, er... She's got food poisoning.

Jesus. From the restaurant?

No. No, from somewhere local.

Well, you must say if you need anything.

Paul's a doctor.

This is Alex, my eldest.

We've lured him out his coffin.

Hi, Alex.

Erm, my mum says do you want to come for lunch?

I just think they hate a woman who stays true to her word.

Because, actually, it was Macbeth, he was the one who broke...

Merci beaucoup.

Macbeth, he was the one who broke the promise in the first place.

And then Lady Macbeth, right, she turns round and she says to him,

"I'd have dashed a baby's brains out, had I sworn so.

"As you have done to this."

And I get that. Because blokes, they lie all the time,

and I think people should just keep their promises, right?

Amen to that.

So, how long are you here for, Byron?

Oh, we leave tomorrow.

Ooh! Back to reality, eh?

Yeah, quite.

What unis are you looking at?

Erm, just... just... just looking at a couple of different ones.

If you ever need any help,

a chat or... Well, anything.

Mum.

I'm sure he doesn't.

Er, well, actually, I, er...

I might need a reference.

I mean, if that's not overstepping.

No, I'd love to.

Thanks.

To bright futures.

Yeah, cheers.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Cheers, babe.

- You're rubbish! - I'm rubbish? You're rubbish.

Oh, God, I could stay here forever.

You need to give me that email for the reference.

Are you sure?

Yes, absolutely.

Look, I know it's hard.

I was the first one to do uni in my family.

But it's OK to take favours.

Other people do.

Posh kids definitely do.

Maggie, I've got a court case...

when I get back.

That's what I need a reference for.

Look, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to lie to you.

I just... I didn't...

What did you do?

I, er...

I robbed a guy.

He wasn't a nice guy, I...

But it was bad. It was really bad.

Like, there-was-a-gun bad.

About as bad as it gets, then.

Why did you do it?

I don't...

I guess I did it cos I wanted to impress this guy.

If I'm honest, then I started to enjoy it.

I guess, some fucking horrible way, it made me feel powerful and...

Look, Maggie, I understand if this means that you don't want

anything to do with me, I do, I get that, I...

Write an email down.

What?

I'll do my best, OK?

Are you sure? Because you...

Absolutely.

Thank you.

Don't mention it.

Monsieur! Excuse-moi.

Lovely place, eh? That lamb...

Younger the better, eh?

What would your wife say if she saw that?

I think someone's gone too hard on the wine.

She's young enough to be your kid.

Enough.

- You're our guest. - Yeah, and you're a filthy nonce, aren't you?

What's going on?

Go on, tell her.

Nothing.

We should get back for the minibus.

All right, son?

OK.

OK, well, thanks. For everything.

- OK, yeah. - Yeah, bye. - OK.

It's Liam, don't leave a message.

Hi, Liam. It's Byron. Well, obviously.

Can you just...?

Can you just fucking call me back, please?

Sash?

Sash?

- Hey. - Hey, babes. - She's in here.

Hiya, babe.

Oh, Sash!

What's happened?

All right, Sash Bash?

Hiya, Bev. You all right?

Not seen you about in a while.

Not going to invite me in?

Ta.

Take a seat.

Listen, I'll, er, cut straight to the fucking point.

You and Bradley...

I overreacted a bit, you know?

- You what? - Yeah, I think I went a bit heavy on the nose candy

that night, you know?

So long as it's done between the two of yous.

It is. It was, erm... It was a one-time thing.

Well, a half-a-time thing.

I don't even remember it.

You saying my nephew's a forgettable lover?

No, I'm not saying that at all, Bev.

I'm fucking with you, Sash.

Water under the bridge, all right?

Yeah.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Good. You can stop hiding now.

Truth be told, I've sort of missed having you slags about.

All right, well, er...

I best be off.

Bye, Bev.

Bye.

I think you're a lying little slag.

- Yeah? - No, I'm not. - You're not lying to me? - No.

Want to tell me again he's not here?

Do you want to tell me again that he's not here?!

Auntie Bev, just calm down!

I'll explain, all right? Stop, all right?! I like her!

Look, listen. Bev, I know, you know...

you want for the best for me, and all that, but...

this is, er... This is it.

Eh?

She makes me happy.

All right, then.

- Well, fair play, then. - Yeah.

Yeah?

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Whoa, Bev! Bev, just leave it!

Sit down! Sit down, Bradley! Now, shut up!

Oi!

- You think you can trick my nephew and get away with it? - No, no, no!

Hey, look, look, listen! Nobody tricked me!

She is a fucking fella, you thick twat!

Oi!

- Go on. - Bev...

Fuck off! Yeah?

Fight me like the fucking man you really are!

I'll fucking kill you!

What's Bradley saying?

Don't know. I've not heard from him.

He doesn't respond to my texts.

Go on, then. Take the piss.

Tell me that I should've expected it and that I deserve it,

because I'm a piece of shit and no-one could ever actually like me.

Not for anything more than a shag, anyway.

Kels...

what am I going to do?

Well, like I said, babe.

Look, you can't stay in Notts.

Sash, why don't you just get away somewhere?

Let it all blow over.

But we don't all have a mummy who's going to take us

on a cosy little holiday, do we, Byron?

I don't have anyone.

You could always come prison with me.

And then he was like, "You're my guest, I've paid for your lunch."

I goes, "Well, mate, you're a fucking nonce."

Should've seen his face, Die.

Right.

What?

Nothing.

I just think...

Well, not nothing, then.

Well, why did you have to say that?

You don't even know the bloke.

Well, Die, you didn't see her.

- She doesn't even have tits. - Yeah? And what's that got to do with you?

Well, nothing, I just...

I was just sticking up for her.

Oh, were you?

Or was it about you?

What's that supposed to mean?

Look, everything's about you, Byron.

Like, why can't you just take the reference

and keep your mouth shut for once?

You and Sasha, it's constant drama.

I can't be doing with it. I'm tired.

Well, it's not like you've got anything else going on, is it?

Die, if you've got a problem, just say it.

Cos I feel like you're being weird at me for weeks now.

So, go on, what is it?

Yeah, well, I always show up for you, don't I, Byron?

Is this about that audition?

When I was with Liam?

Because I can assure you, Die, nobody regrets that night

more than me.

Because of what happened to me,

or because you got caught?

Both.

Look, Die, please don't hate me.

I can't handle it, not with everything else.

I can't, I really can't.

Look at me.

I'm sorry, Die, I am. I promise you, I am.

Yeah, well, me too.

It's Liam, don't leave a message.

Yeah?

Hi, hi.

Er...

- You there? - Yeah, yeah.

Erm...

- I just... - What do you want?

I want to know if you're coming to court next month.

I mean, I want you to come to court next month.

The judge, he... he won't sentence me without you.

And, Liam, if I'm honest,

I just... I can't deal with this hanging over my head any more.

I can't.

No matter what way it turns out.

I mean, surely you're the same, no?

Liam?

Are you there?

I'll be there.

OK. Great, well...

thanks. I...

I guess I'll see you...

I can come to court with you next month, if you like?

You're all right.

- Oh, I don't mind. - No, it's...

It's fine.

And besides, I should probably go on my own anyway.

You know, if it don't go my way.

Oh, you've had a reference through from, er, Maggie.

Wow, she really likes you.

She says you're so clever and personable.

- It's made a really good impression... - Er, I can't use it.

- Well, you can see it for yourself... - No, I don't want to see it.

I don't want to...

I'm sure.

OK.

- No, you can't go on your own. - No, I mean it.

I don't want no-one there. Not even my mates.

Well, I'm definitely coming, then.

Well, you're not, because I won't tell you when it is.

Oh, God.

Christ, I don't know what I've done.

- All right, pass it here. What one is it? - Oh, you...!

There. Ooh! Careful!

- Ow! - Jesus, Mommar, they're like cement.

You cheeky sod.

- Mommar? - Yes.

Will you write something for me?

About what I'm like, for the judge?

Oh, no, love, my spelling's all over the shop.

- Can't you ask someone else? - No.

I want you to do it.

Necklace suits you.

Don't come creeping now just because you want summat.

Byron?

Yeah.

I'm scared for you, duckie.

Oh, Mommar, stop it.

Don't be. I'm going to be fine.

OK? I promise.

- OK. - OK?

- I'm sorry, duck. I'm sorry. - We're both going to be fine.

I love you.

Yeah, well, I love you too.

Now, let's sort your fucking feet out, cos they're minging.

Ow!

Absolutely disgusting.

She's in here!

I was here a few months ago, the coffee's amazing!

- Oh, God. - What? I told yous not to come.

What? And miss you getting sent down?

- No way. - Plus, we'd already made these.

It worked for Deirdre.

Look, girls, you... you needn't have bothered,

because Liam, he hasn't shown.

- Twat. - Another night out for the divas, then.

Die was going to come, but she's, erm...

Judge Shaw wants to go ahead without Liam Murphy.

What?

Look, I ought to tell you...

no-one's got less than two years this morning.

Is that normal?

Sometimes you just catch them on an off day.

OK. If... if I'm honest, I think I need a minute.

We really do need to get started.

Oh, let her get some air.

Can I just...?

It's not too late, you know.

To do a runner.

Thanks.

Why don't you come Glasgow with me?

Then what?

I don't know, just lay low for a bit.

We've not found Liam yet, so...

It's got to be better than being banged up, though, hasn't it?

Guess I'll find out.

Come here.

- Catch you inside, all right? - Thanks, Sash.

♪ My head's spinning

♪ Boy, I'm in a daze

♪ I feel isolated

♪ Don't want to communicate

♪ I'll take a shower

♪ I will scour

♪ I will rub

♪ To find peace of mind

♪ The happy mind I once owned, yeah

♪ Never, ever have I ever felt so low

♪ When you going to take me out of this black hole?

♪ Never, ever have I ever felt so sad

♪ The way I'm feeling, yeah, you got me feeling really bad

♪ Never, ever have I had to find

♪ I've had to dig away to find my own peace of mind

♪ I've never, ever had my conscience to fight... ♪