Original subtitles

Before there was anything, there was chaos.

All it took was the collision of a couple of atoms

to change everything.

If you ask me, creation's pretty destructive.

And it's happening all the time, so brace yourself for impact.

- Hi. - Byron, where the fuck are you?

Uh, I'm at Smanfa's.

You must think I fell off a fucking Christmas tree.

Get home now. Do you hear me?

Oi!

Oh, well, duckie,

there's plenty more dick in the sea, you know.

Besides, he sounds more trouble than he's bloody worth anyway.

Must be why I like him so much.

I'm always in trouble, me.

Oh, hey up.

Baby, this is dirty Damien.

You all right?

Sticky Nikki, aka Miss East Midlands 1998.

And Peter.

Hello.

Everyone, this is...

Byron, like Lord Byron.

And she's heartbroken.

So be nice, all right?

What's a little chicken like you doing out all alone?

Stick your tongue back in your head, Pete.

- I'm being friendly. - You're being a nonce.

Oh, I'm nearly 18.

- Oh, she's being serious. - Yeah, no, yeah, of course you are.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Don't worry, babe, we're used to waifs and strays.

And you're definitely a waif.

Oh, here she is.

The final member of the Fallen Divas project.

Sasha, this is Byron.

We need to go now!

You what? Why?

Tony the skank has gone fucking mental.

About what?

Oh, I dunno, we were just in the toilet and he just lost his shit.

We weren't doing nowt. He fucking wishes he were.

Fuck.

Right, can we just go, please?

- Gobby shit, let's go. - Always drama with you, girl.

Don't worry, I'll look after you.

- Will you fuck! Come on. - Er, thanks.

Hi, Tony.

Oh, my God. Mental fucking bastard.

Fucking mental bastard, isn't he?

- What set him off anyway? - Oh, he's tough, isn't he?

- Thought I'd nicked his gear. - Well, did you?

Why does everyone always think the worst of me?

Well, that's a fucking silly question, babe.

Fuck off, fuck off, fuck off.

Hey, there's a queue.

And what?

Oh, hey up, Liam.

- Die, wagwan. - What are you saying?

Has your mate got a problem?

No, he was just messing around.

I know you.

Not hanging around bogs tonight?

No, obviously not.

Obviously not.

Be seeing you.

How do you know Liam Murphy?

I don't.

I just met him once at work.

He was a dickhead then as well.

You haven't shagged him, have you?

Are you mad?

I think Sasha would rip my face off if I looked at him.

- Oh, I'm starving. - Finally, what did you get?

- Chips. - Chips, is that it?

Help yourself, cheapskate.

So, Byron, what do you do for work?

Er, just like customer services.

Oh, pay well, does it?

Yeah.

It's like, er, it's like a fiver an hour.

Takes an hour to suck a cock, does it?

About as subtle as a bloody house fire.

Yeah, Liam told us.

I think you should stick to your own ends.

I don't want any clients thinking they can get it cheaper off you.

You're prostitutes?

Er, no.

I work in a call centre, thank you very much.

I am. Die's just a slag.

So, um, do you do anal?

Or are you, like, saving yourself for someone special?

- Look, I'm not a virgin. Me and my boyfriend Max... - Ex-boyfriend.

- Oi, you! - Just saying. He said he was dumped.

Yeah, well, not officially, so...

- What, are you waiting for a certificate or something? - Sash!

Uh, girls, I'll be back in a minute, yeah?

Are you getting more food?

You what?

Oh.

Get it, girl!

A different guy again.

So what's your plan now, Byron?

I don't know, I guess...

I guess I'll just text him.

Or maybe I'll wait for him to text me

because I don't want to seem...

Oh, you have got it bad.

No, I meant tonight.

Do you want to come with us?

Where?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Absolutely not.

We know you like it.

I don't care.

- No, but even Die would have... - Oh, my God, girls, look.

Look.

Go on, girl!

Go on, girl!

How many fingers has he got in?

Absolutely not.

Oh, go on, you never know what I might get up to if I'm sloshed.

Urinating in my wardrobe, if history is anything to go by.

I mean, it would be great if someone actually had something,

wouldn't it?

I thought you said you never nicked owt.

I never nicked them, I, er, took 'em in payment for sucking him off.

And there's plenty more where that came from.

You know he cries for his mum when he comes?

Oh, but that's kind of sad.

It'll come for you one day.

Being a deceitful bitch.

Hey, Romeo, what about you?

Well, you have done pills before, haven't you?

Yeah, of course.

Oh.

And I'm Juliet, bitch.

Ooh, she's a saucy one, isn't she?

You're so fucking pretty.

So are you, baby. Don't pull, it's not real.

Max just don't know what he's missing, babe.

- Yeah. - Fuck fucking Max.

- Yeah. - Fuck Max?

- Yeah? - Fuck Max.

Fuck!

- Oh! - Oh, my God.

Babe, look at your fucking eyes.

Oh, my God, babe, look at your eyes.

Oh, my God.

God.

It'll do that to you, babe.

They're as big as the moon.

- Airport, please. - Mum?

Bye, Byron.

Mum?

Hey.

Come on, pal.

Mum.

Wait, whoa, whoa, nearly had you then.

Nearly had you then. That's it.

That's it, that's it, that's it. Are you ready?

Your turn. Go.

Hello there, lad.

I'm not a lad.

That's right. You're a big man, aren't you?

No.

99, please.

- Here you are. - Thank you.

Oh.

- Oh, my God. - Hickory dickory dock.

I sucked an eight-inch cock.

The clock struck one, everyone was gone,

hickory dickory dock.

Hickory dickory dock, wahey!

A mouse ran up me cock,

- The clock struck two... - I shot my goo,

hickory dickory dock.

Hey!

Would you keep it down?

Oh, shush your neighbours.

- Here you are, get this down you, babe. - Right, go on, out!

Like a pro.

You always take the piss.

Well, where are we supposed to go?

It's not my problem, duck.

I know somewhere we could go.

All right, follow me, slags!

♪ You're a breath of fresh air to me

♪ I am empty... ♪

There is a pleasure in the pathless woods.

There's a rapture on the lonely shore.

There is society where none intrudes by the deep sea

and music in its roar.

I love not man the less,

but nature more.

Girls, welcome to fucking Newstead Abbey.

Well, fuck me sideways.

I'm glad you like it.

Girls, I'm starving.

Don't look at me, I'm skint.

Don't get paid till the end of the month.

What about you?

Oh, girl, you know I don't carry cash.

- No, she's like the queen. - Exactly.

I'm a quintessential English rose, me.

Wait, a quinty what?

Oh, don't go confusing her with big words.

So why did it end between you and Max, then?

I don't know.

It were weird, though, because, like,

one minute he's all over me and the next he just...

don't want to know me.

Who knows? I probably just fucked it up.

Well, you're in good company, babe.

Fucking up is our specialist subject.

You know, I got stripped of my crown.

- Are you actually a beauty queen? - Don't sound too surprised.

I won two years in a row, I'll have you know, and I'll win again.

- Why did they take it off you? - Put it this way.

Apparently, you can't like muff and look good in a two-piece.

No, they stripped her

because she was fucking fingering two of the contestants.

Yeah, but not at the same time.

No, seriously, if we don't eat soon, I'm going to eat one of yo use.

Do you know what?

Why don't we go to Byron's?

To Hucknall?

Yeah.

How far away is it?

Uh, no, my mum, she's dead fussy, and my daddy's in work

and he'll be home in a couple of hours, so...

No, that's perfect.

Yeah, let's go to Byron's, girls.

- Hmm. - Mmm.

Unless you're embarrassed of us.

Not embarrassed, are you?

No.

♪ In your arms I feel

♪ Sunshine... ♪

- I thought Hucknall was supposed to be dead scary. - It is.

Right, well, where are the pitchforks at, then?

Come on, follow me.

What are you looking at, bitch?

Go on, then!

Sash, what are you...? Sash, leave it.

♪ Let's make this moment... ♪

Um, shoes off?

Er, no, you can keep your snakeskins on.

Right, my dad will be back at eight, so you'll have to be gone by then.

Why? Is he that scary?

I mean, everyone round here thinks so.

He is the hardest man in Hucknall.

Oh, well, I'd like to meet him, then, babes.

I'd love to meet a hard, angry daddy too.

You really fucking wouldn't.

Right, fat slags, who's hungry?

Right, better get to it.

Right, what can I do?

You can grate some cheese.

Hey, I feel like I'm on Friends, me.

Ooh!

This is how she became Miss East Midlands, honey.

Hi! Hi!

Thank you.

Oh, she never lost it.

See that?

Hey!

Still got it, still got it.

You know what else she got? Syphilis.

Come here.

It's the People's Princess!

Here she is.

Yes, go on!

All the way.

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, fuck, he's here!

He's early!

- Who? - My dad. Just fucking move.

Hey up, Dad.

You're not boxing?

Obviously not.

These are... These are my mates.

Good to meet you, sir. I'm Deon.

Hi, Daddy. I'm Sasha.

Uh, Damo.

And, uh, this is my missus.

I just I thought I'd make us some tea,

because that mince goes off today.

That a spliff?

Er, yeah, it's medicinal.

And I just crawled out of the cabbage patch.

All right, then, I'll leave you to it.

Oh!

You thought he were horrible?

Yeah, well, he fucking is normally.

I thought he was nice.

I thought he was so nice.

All right, fuck off.

Right, who's hungry?

He was beautiful.

Oh, don't worry, we'll be out Bank Holiday if you're around.

Yeah, yeah.

Someone's eager.

Right, OK, give us your number.

- There you go. Should have mine as well now. - Yeah, thanks.

All right, come on, then, girls, we'd better get going.

Yeah.

Oh, thanks a lot.

- Bring it in. - Love you, babes.

- Love you. - Love you.

Get that door, you.

Right, are we getting the bus?

Get a taxi!

Get a taxi.

Yeah, on my way.

I'm just about to start the washing-up.

Do you fancy a brew?

Yeah, go on.

Sorry, I hope we weren't too loud.

And I'm sorry about last night.

My phone ran out of battery.

It's about time you started hanging about with some lads.

Yeah.

Well, they liked Newstead Abbey.

You always liked it there as a kid.

Yeah, I know, I remember.

Do you want to go for a drive?

I could see what's on at the Showcase.

No.

I don't think so, Byron.

What was that?

You really know how to spoil a good day, don't you?

Everywhere we go now.

You're not a girl.

You're a boy!

OK, well, why don't I get you that brew?

I thought you'd already left.

No, I'm running late, aren't I?

Right.

Oh, this is my friend Kim.

Friend.

Not heard of knocking when a door's closed?

- It's a kitchen, love, not a boudoir. - Oi!

Less of that shite!

Why aren't you wearing your uniform?

It's Own Clothes Day for charity.

Right.

Well...

Behave yourself.

I will.

You too.

"Boudoir."

How did a man like you end up with a son like that?

Shut your mouth.

Wash your mouth out before and after,

and you'll not get no diseases.

Right.

Thanks.

You're quiet.

Sorry.

Don't bother me.

Have you ever had your heart broken?

I don't know.

Once or twice, maybe.

I thought getting beaten up were bad.

But this...

Sorry, do you mind me if I...?

I'd normally talk to my mate Smanfa about it,

but it's different for her

because there are loads of straight lads.

And besides, I know what she'd say.

Same as everyone else.

That I should get over him.

And I don't want to hear it because I think she'd be right.

You don't fucking ignore someone's calls

if you want to be with them, do you?

Now I'm never going to meet someone else like Max.

Apart from the fact he looked like a model, right,

he did this thing where he made my brain go quiet for a moment.

That were peaceful.

Am I talking shit?

Don't stop!

You dirty bastard!

Urgh!

I'll drive you back to the ice cream.

Love, dinner's served.

Chicken korma, made from scratch.

You're not going out?

No, I thought we could spend some time together.

Why?

Do I need a reason?

I had a big lunch.

You know you can talk to me,

about anything.

Yeah.

Thanks.

What's up?

It's about this guy?

What's his name?

Max.

How do you know about Max?

Well, it didn't take much guessing, did it?

Your face lit up every time your phone beeped.

- You've been reading my texts? - Well, I was worried about you, Byron.

You weren't being yourself.

Yeah, well, I weren't.

I were happy.

For once.

But I suppose that's a crime now.

Well, it is, actually, yeah, because he's a grown-up.

He's 19, Mum.

Yeah, and you're underage.

He could go to prison.

And I told him that.

- You didn't. - I did.

And I told him that your father is pretty indiscriminate with his fists

and that he'd beat you both black and blue

if he found out.

And he seemed to hear it after that.

Oh, my God, you ruined it.

You fucking ruined it!

No, I saved you.

What could a man his age possibly want with a 15-year-old?

Mum, you let me think he didn't like me.

He didn't. Not for the right reasons, Byron.

I'm not just going to stand by

- and watch him take advantage of my son, am I? - That's funny,

because you never thought to step in with Steve, did you?

Oh, yeah, go on, get spiteful, why don't you?

Yeah, because I'm not allowed a boyfriend

but it was OK for you to piss off

and live in Turkey with your fancy man.

- Go on. - Yeah, mum of the year.

Shirley Fucking Valentine!

The number you have dialled has not been recognised.

Byron!

I thought you weren't coming.

Well, I weren't.

Because no-one texted me.

Oh, sorry. Yeah, I lost my phone and no-one else had your number.

Well, you're here now, aren't you?

So are you coming to Phunked or what?

Well, I can't,

because I've got to go find Max.

Come on, girl.

No, it's my mum, she warned him off.

That's why he dumped me, not because he didn't want to be together.

Babes, tell him.

- Tell him. - What?

One of my old clients, we talk about some guy.

Sounds a bit like your Max. Said he's got frosted tips.

It could be anyone.

And a cock like a can of air freshener.

Yeah, that's Max.

But are they seeing him?

No, that's what they were saying. Not seen him for ages.

Do you think he's in trouble?

I don't know, do I?

For fuck's sake.

I'm going to go in NgtwoK.

We just left, babes.

He's not there.

- She's nuts, her. - Oi, don't be a prick.

Look, I know I'm mental,

but I'd go to the end of the fucking moon for Max if I had to.

Well, babe, do you think you might want to check in Phunked first?

- Yeah. - I'll say it again, shall I?

If you're fucking hard of hearing.

If your name's not down, you're not getting in.

Fucking migraine, saying it over and over again.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, ID, please.

Is that you, is it, yeah?

Think I was born yesterday?

Fuck off, arse clown.

And your little friend, fuck off home to Mummy.

Bye-bye.

Fucking hell.

Hey!

Whoa, whoa, fucking hell, you've changed.

How did you get them bad boys?

Istanbul. They're unreal, aren't they?

They are so unreal. Now, listen to me when I say this, all right?

You look fucking beautiful, yeah?

The lot of yo use. Get these lot some bracelets, please.

Now, listen, when you get in there,

find the big guy next to the speakers, right? That's my fella.

All right, he'll get you owt you like.

Oh, we, uh, we don't usually pay for drugs, do we, girls?

That's my kind of girl, eh?

Right now, fuck off and get the queue moving. Go on.

Go on quickly, quickly. Have a nice night.

Oh, my God, girls, So we just met Bev's fella.

Proper gent, you know.

Yeah? And he gives us these.

- Thank you, Bev. - You little beauty.

Cheers, girls.

Cheers!

Babe, you know, you can still have a good time

while you're looking for him, right?

And you never know, you might find someone you like more.

I know she's trying to be nice,

but I don't want to be with anyone else.

Straight blokes aren't interested.

Gay guys say I'm too girly.

Max is the only person who gets me.

♪ I've crossed deserts for miles

♪ Swam water for time.

♪ Searching places to find

♪ A piece of something to call mine

♪ I'm coming

♪ A piece of something to call mine

♪ I'm coming

♪ Coming closer to you

♪ Ran along many moors

♪ Walked through many doors

♪ The place where I wanna be

♪ Is the place I can call mine

♪ I'm coming... ♪

Oh, well, fuck it.

Might as well have fun.

♪ I'm coming

♪ Coming closer to you

♪ I'm moving, I'm coming

♪ Can you hear what I hear?

♪ It's calling you, my dear

♪ Out of reach

♪ Take me to the beach

♪ I can hear it calling you

♪ I'm coming, not drowning

♪ Swimming closer to you... ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh... ♪

Testing, testing, one, two.

- It's freezing. - I'm not paying for shots again.

Hey, Die.

Do a song with me?

Karaoke is only fun for people too boring to do drugs.

You ought to know that.

Oh, fuck's sake, Tony, you fucking idiot!

What have I told you about following me around, you freak?

- Just want to talk to you. - Yeah, and now you've ruined my dress.

You fucking small dick knobhead!

- No fucking way! - Sorry, Dai. - Don't fucking touch me!

Get your hands off me! Dai, come on, huh?

Up.

- I know you've been stealing from me. I owe people money. - Sash!

Fucking nutcase, and so is she.

It's because they've got matching beards.

Made for each other.

Right, what are we singing?

Byron, can you hold a note?

How about I Got You, Babe?

Whole New World.

Oh, you can be Sonny and I'll be Cher.

Max!

It's you. I mean, you're here.

Looks like it.

Yeah, well, I didn't know where you were

and your phone has been...

So I've... I've been worried.

Yeah, I've heard.

I... had to get a new number.

Oh.

Do...?

Do you want to talk somewhere more quiet?

- Look, I don't think we should be talking. - Look, Max.

Max, it's OK.

I know about my mum.

She threatened you and that's why you broke up with me.

She said she was going to go to the police.

Yeah, no, Max, she's a rancid bitch.

But listen,

it don't matter how old I am

or who my family is.

Max, we can run away together.

Because if I had to choose between

seeing them ever again and seeing you,

I'd choose you...

every single time.

I choose you over everyone else, Max.

Cos I love you.

I do.

First up, we have Tom and Max

with You're Gorgeous.

Who's that?

Max, get up here.

Oh.

Um...

Yeah, I'm... I'm sorry.

I would have told you.

No, it don't...

- It don't matter. - Look, I did mean everything I said to you.

Fuck off, Max.

- Byron, why don't...? - No, fuck off, Max.

Go on.

Your next fucking rent boy is waiting.

Max!

- I said I was sorry. - Yeah, it's the first time I've worn it

and you've wrecked it, you knobhead.

- Byron, you all right? - Yeah, fine.

Look, I'm telling you, I didn't take your fucking gear, you mental twat.

Well, you need to stop speaking to me like that.

- I don't want to talk to you at all, actually, Tony. - Aye!

- How about now, eh? - Fucking hell, Tone.

- I want my drugs. - I didn't take them.

You're a fucking lying bitch!

Someone tell him. Tell him I never took them, please!

She did.

Byron, shut the fuck up!

And we took him home.

Byron, what the fuck are you doing?

So, what the fuck you going to do now, eh?

Going to stick that screwdriver in her eye?

And hers, and mine?

Because fuck me, it'll be a lot of blood, that.

Are you sure you've got the stomach for it?

- I'll do the fucking three of yous! - Will you?

Are you fucking tapped?

Then you'd better make sure you fucking kill us.

Because if you don't...

I'll let the whole of Nottingham know your little secret.

Is it true you cry when you ejaculate, Tony?

You what?

Yeah, who's it for, Sash?

Oh, yeah, it's for his mummy, innit?

I mean, I'm not judging you, but other people...

Well, fuck me, other people will.

- Will they? - So if you so much as touch one fake hair on her head,

I'll make sure everyone between here and fucking Glasgow knows about it.

Do you hear me?

Fuck! Aargh!

Fucking bastard!

Give me the fucking screwdriver!

Oh, my God!

Mad bastard. Did you see the way he was running scared, Die?

Die! Hey!

Come for us again, you fucking knobhead,

and see what I fucking do!

You fucking idiot, Sasha!

- What the fuck did I do? - You nearly got us fucking killed!

God, someone's put 50p in you tonight, haven't they?

Ain't there something you want to say to Byron?

He's practically just saved your fucking life.

Hiya, Liam.

You all right, babe? Yous out tonight?

No, party back at mine.

If you're up for it.

Course I am, babe, I'm always up for it.

What do you reckon?

We could just go back and find the others.

This lot can get a bit intense.

I want to party.

She don't pissing learn.

As if. She couldn't even thank me.

Saved her fucking life.

Babe, "thank you" ain't in Sasha's lexicon.

No. More than four fucking letters, for a start.

You're cheeky.

So, anyway, Max.

You sure he's got a new fella, then?

Yeah.

- I should have listened to you. - Yeah, you bloody should have.

Well, sometimes you've just got to see for yourself, haven't you?

At least I know now it was all bollocks.

He never actually loved me.

Well, fuck him.

It's his loss anyway, baby. I'm serious.

Look, you were proper sick tonight.

You reckon?

Yeah, I wish I could talk like you.

Yeah, I wish I could look like you.

Baby, you can.

Why don't you?

Cos I can't pull it off.

Like your sexy dance moves.

You don't have to say something nice just because I did, you know?

No, I'm not! You are good.

I'll be back.

♪ Listen to me, son... ♪

- What's this? - What the fuck is this?

What the fuck is this?

Keep your batty music to yoursen, yeah?

It's not mine. I fucking found it.

♪ They say the sky is the limit

♪ Don't let them tell you that you can't go far... ♪

Oi!

Tinker Bell.

No-one falls asleep at my parties. Wake up.

I'm not.

You got a key on you?

Come on.

Oh, what are you doing?

You need to take your vitamin K.

You trying to give me a horse tranquilliser?

Do you like horses?

I'm hung like one.

There we go.

What?

Byron.

Byron.

We need to go.

Come on.

Come on.

Sash, Sash?

Sash!

- Come on. - Oh, I'm going to go out with this lot.

Byron, come on, we're going. Come on.

Get up.

Sort yoursen out.

Fuck's sake.

Byron, it's Max.

Uh, look, I...

I didn't want to leave things like that.

Truth told, I didn't want to leave things at all.

I just wanted to say,

I choose you too.

Or I will if you let me.

Look, I'm going to send you my address.

Uh, come over and we can talk.

See you soon...

I hope.

- So much for us fucking sticking together, eh? - Mm-hm.

What if they find out her secret?

Well, she didn't have to go with them, did she?

Might be murderers.

Well, I guess we'll see if she turns up alive next Saturday, won't we?

Stupid bitch.

It was a good night, though, eh?

Yeah.

I've lost my fucking keys.

Oh, shit, really?

Well, you can stay at mine if you need to.

No, it's fine.

The bus will be here in a minute. I should probably go to my mommar's.

Right.

Well, text me when you get back, yeah?

Yeah.

Are you sure you're going to be OK?

Course.

Good.

Love you.

Sorry, I... I think you've got my keys.

I don't see no keys.

Oh, wait, no, I left them last night.

- Are you calling me a liar or something? - No.

You come to my house, you take my drugs, you leave your shit behind.

Now you stand here in front of me and you accuse me of being...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what? What?

I'm winding you up, you little dickhead!

Your face.

I've got your keys.

I've got your keys on me.

- Thanks. - Oh!

Hold on.

Third time.

Beg for them,

and I'll give them you.

Please, Liam, I'm begging you.

I don't believe you.

Please, Liam...

I'm begging you.

All right.

- For fuck's sake! Fucking... - Chill, yeah?

I'm just going to give you my number.

In case you ever need owt, yeah?

OK.

Or owt like that.

Thanks.

Right.

Go on.

Fuck off, then.

You know, I think I finally get what everyone means about moving on.

Truth is, you can't.

Not till you find someone else, anyway.

♪ Keep on running, keep on running, keep on running

♪ Keep on running, keep on running, keep on running

♪ Keep on running, keep on running, keep on running

♪ Keep on running, keep on running, keep on running

♪ Keep on running

♪ Keep on running

♪ Keep on running back to you

♪ Keep on running

♪ Keep on running

♪ Keep on running back to you. ♪