Original subtitles

- Could you possibly have failed to tell us you're fucking engaged? - Oh!

Oh, that's a casual ring. Totally casual.

- I mean, it's a wedding. - Oh! - It's exciting.

It's just... I don't want to be consumed by it.

- I hear you're writing a book. - Yeah.

- Monogamy in gibbons. - Oh. - I'm using a few examples from our own marriage.

Which examples might they be?

I was going to tell you about Levi, I just didn't know what it was yet.

It's gross! It's like we shared a genetic toothbrush.

- You're obsessed with me. - You're obsessed with me.

Maybe he's better off not being around me at the moment.

Don't use me for closure.

- Come and get it yourself. - Hi.

Hi.

ABE CLEARS THROAT

I'll go first. Um, Abe, I...

...I'm really sorry for infiltrating your home

and for doubting your devotion to my best friend,

and... so, so, so sorry for fucking your son.

It's all on me.

I think that's real progress.

What do you guys think?

Shall we join them?

HE YELLS

BELLS CHIME

BELLS CHIME

Ty, what are you doing?

Cleansing the space.

Collecting all of your...

...negative energy.

Oh.

Yeah, I'm sensing... paranoia,

trauma, deep-rooted shame.

Or perhaps that's Abe's energy

I'm picking up on, actually.

Do you think that's really necessary?

Oh, beyond necessary.

Freya, stranger danger is coming into our home

- to assess us. - Um, it's actually me

getting my needs assessed,

so I can claim funding for you, Ty.

That's what I said - all eyes are going to be on me.

BELLS CHIME

I doubt they'll be inspecting the contents of the fridge.

All feeling very crowded in here.

It's like someone's been adding things without me knowing.

Look, jam here, right behind mayo,

or should I say behind mayo's back?

Abe, stop.

Abe... Abe!

You have my attention.

I'm sorry if you feel like I was seeing Jo behind your back

and, yeah, I know my tits look incredible.

Well, first of all, that's not an apology.

And second, you lied.

- I didn't lie. I just wasn't telling the truth. - You lied!

- It's... it's akin to having an affair, Freya. - An affair?!

- Abe, she's my best friend! - I just don't understand

why you felt you couldn't tell me.

I guess I just didn't want to admit that I was lonely without her.

As your punishment...

- ...you can eat this pickle from 2016. - Er, question.

Have you ever been assessed before?

Oh, yeah.

They're super-lovely people, really. Back in Canada,

this woman visited me with a Pomeranian.

The whole thing was super chill. You're going to be great.

Thank you.

The time is 09:00 hours. We can begin.

Introduction. I answer to the name of Susan.

Never Sue. She doesn't exist.

Why are you holding my hand?

- I don't know. - My job,

as your disability assessor,

is to evaluate your care package

and assess everyday needs,

in a noninvasive, forensic manner.

This will allow me to calculate the hours which we will fund your PA

- to work with you. - Told you.

I have one rule.

Never... make... assumptions.

One time, in the Army, my whole squadron did.

Everyone was killed except me.

Make of that what you will.

Questions?

Morning. Anyone for tea?

011:00 hours, we stop for tea

and a Boost.

- A bit more. - I feel like we're going

- far to the right here, Mum. - I feel like that is too far now.

- That's too far... - Because now it just looks... - I mean, it's you

and your book. There should be a sort of healthy,

respectable distance between them,

- I think. - Why? - You've got to get this right. - Why?

That's, um... Why is it a man in a cage, not a woman?

Ah. Now, that is a fascinating question,

- and I want you to ask yourself why you asked it. - OK.

Because men, of course, are equally constrained...

- And now I'm regretting asking it... - ...by societal...

And tell me that doesn't scream your dad, during his trench-coat phase.

- Oh, yeah, it does a bit, actually. - Yeah.

So what's it about?

Haven't you read it?

Oh, Bug, that's really hurtful!

- I sent you and your father the proofs weeks ago. - Yeah, but we just

presumed it was the same normal dry shit, but just really, really long.

No! It's popular science.

It's not for just 300 hyper-literate

mole people, wearing cardigans. It's... it's FOR you!

It's got a dramatic arc.

It's... it's got quirky facts.

Did you know that male flanged orangutans take it up the shitter?

Did you know that male bonobos

like to fence using their penises?

- Hard or soft? - You see? I've got you.

That's it. Peaked your curiosity, and that's what it does.

It's just science, but with a little bit of juice.

Yeah, OK, so define "juice", because I'm just skimming

the first page here and I've already seen the phrase "unstable son".

I changed your name.

- Yeah, to Lee! You've dropped one syllable, Mum! - No, listen,

it's still behavioural ecology, but it's... it's a scientific study

of which animals mate for life and which animals prefer hookups, OK?

All I've done is I've spiced it up a bit

and I've added a few personal anecdotes for,

you know, to make me more relatable.

Yeah, but that's what worries me, because what if me and Dad find it

- a little bit too relatable? - Yeah, well, if a 500-page book

on gibbon sex is too relatable,

might I suggest it's not the gibbons that are the problem?

- Also, why didn't you tell me that Jo is stalking you? - What?!

Wh... Jesus Christ!

- - Do you want me to say something?

- No, no, no, don't get involved. - No, but I am already involved.

- She just looked at me. Look, she's doing it again. - Just don't wave!

Why don't you invite her to the book signing, OK? Boost my numbers.

Because I'd rather put my balls in a blender. OK, stay here

and I'll go. Just please, stay, please.

- Do you like to cook? - Love to cook.

Oh, my goodness.

I make a rather mean Spanish omelette, if I may say.

Got the recipe off some, er, monks,

in my travels in Valencia... which is Spain.

Got some left over, if you'd like to try?

I don't do eggs. They stink.

- Oh. - I notice your legs don't fit under the cooker.

Inaccessible.

Noted.

Oh, that's fine, they don't really need to.

I mean, I do most of the cooking.

Happy to step in and be resident family chef.

Order!

- I don't know why I said that. - Well, actually,

without going all trad wife,

I would love to be able to cook for myself and my partner,

and I need a PA in order to do so.

Client would like to use PA

to woo partner with gastronomical persuasion.

- What? No. That's not... - Two more hours added.

Oh!

- Perfect. - What about laundry? Taking out the rubbish?

- Groceries? - Oh, well, my... - On it. Yeah.

If you want to check under there, you'll find it powder fresh.

I am on the bins once a day, min.

- Actually, Abe... - And while ironing is considered by some to be

- a bit of a gendered sport... - Abe! - Yes? - Sorry,

while Abe is very happy to help,

I have my PA to be able to help with household tasks

- and anything else that I need, including laundry. - Yeah.

Oh, sure. Yeah, no, but it's just much easier for me

- just to step in and, er... - And it's important

that I share these tasks with my partner,

and I do so by having a PA.

Right.

Got it.

No, absolutely, sorry, it is all very equal.

All balanced, all equal and, er, this one - oh-ho-ho!

- Yeah. - Oh.

Um, I think I'm just going to leave you to it.

- Great idea. - Yeah. - Yeah.

- Thanks. Thanks, love. - Bye.

Right. Up next, toileting.

Oh, hi. Er, I didn't see you there.

Right. OK, well, I could feel you eye-fucking me

from about five feet away.

No. I was fully engrossed in this, um,

erm... seminal piece of literature, so...

Can I please just ask you what you're doing here?

- Well, I tried calling... - Yes, and I thought maybe eight ignored calls

would probably send quite a clear message. So if you don't mind,

I'm actually halfway through enabling my mum's midlife crisis,

so it'd be great if you could just...

- Mum, what are you doing? - So, the wanderer returns!

- Hey! - Don't worry, I've tried ghosting him too. Never works.

Um, congrats on the... on the book. I mean,

it's got Abe in a cage on the cover.

So, what shall I...? How do you want it?

- Oh, you don't have to do that. - To Jo, or...?

Yeah, no, Jo's... Jo's great.

Thank you, that's...

Payment is at the till.

So, Bug, my publisher wants me to meet some literary lesbians

for some kind of highbrow hors d'oeuvres.

- Would you mind finishing the display? - Sure. That sounds like

a made-up event, but, yeah, go hang out with your BIG lesbians.

- Jo, would you mind helping Levi? - What? No, that won't be necessary.

- No, I'd be delighted. Thank you. - Great.

Huh!

Spicy!

Break complete.

So, obviously, I need help

getting dressed and undressed.

I can do that faster.

- I'll try again. - Oh, God.

I can also do a bouncy blow.

Lacquered bamboo.

2cm. 21 x 71.

Now we bend at the knee,

back straight, core engaged.

Chest...

- Deep breaths, Ty. - Yeah.

- Yeah. - Yeah. - Yeah, yeah.

- Thanks. - Stick, yeah, just get...

OK. Question 29.

Do you need support during copulation?

Sorry, is that really necessary to know?

Depends on whether you see copulation as a basic need.

Some councils prefer to fund light bulbs being fitted,

but, er, as you can see,

I tend to challenge the status quo.

Er, well, yeah, yeah, it's definitely a vital need for me.

OK, and question 30.

How does copulation occur?

Er... Well, mainly from behind.

I meant do you need PA support?

Oh. Um...

Happy to help.

Yeah, I mean, they're a very... handsome couple.

So, all hands on deck if... if...

I just need Ty kind of before the act.

- Yeah. - To prepare for the copulation?

Er... And af... and after.

Yeah.

- What happens after the copulation? - Er, well,

I normally pop in after I hear Abe snoring.

It's often worth cracking a window.

Informative.

OK. Section Five. Mobility.

Er, can you open this drawer?

People say everyone has a book inside of them.

What do you think mine would be?

I know you think it's really amusing to come here today,

but I'm actually not doing this, Jo.

OK. Yours would be The Chronicles of a Man Child.

Do you have any idea how worried I was about you?

You just, like, disappear without a trace and then, suddenly,

I find out you're hanging out with Freya?

OK. I don't know what to tell you.

I'm sorry for being a massive asshole.

Size is irrelevant when it comes to being an arsehole.

OK, look, I was overwhelmed and I didn't know what to do or say,

- so then I just, like... - I don't care any more, Jo, I'm not interested.

- Excuse me. Sorry. - OK, but I haven't had a chance to tell you...

- Tell me what? - Huh?

- Excuse me. - Sorry. - I haven't had a chance to...

- ...tell you... - Huh?

Sorry, guys.

Excuse me.

Clearly, nothing of importance. Great chat, Jo. See you never.

- And how often do you use the stairs? - Seriously?

No, I mean, obviously, never. You've seen my notes.

Yeah, it's just Abe's man cave up there.

Downstairs is where the party's at!

Have you walked much this year?

What?!

No. Still not walking,

- so obviously, no. - She's just rollin' through life

- like a champ, aren't you, girl? Ha-ha! - Any dementia?

No.

- Advanced Alzheimer's? - No.

Are you nonverbal autistic?

I mean, clearly not!

So, no serious cognitive disabilities?

What the hell?! I mean, we've been talking for the last four hours.

- Is that a no? - Yes, it's a no!

See, that's actually quite unclear.

No.

OK.

13:00 hours. Assessment ends.

I cannot reveal the outcome of the assessment, but my recommendation

is that the number of hours you claim for your PA remain the same.

SHE GASPS

SHE SOBS Sorry. They're happy tears.

Can I have a private word?

Yeah, absolutely.

With Freya.

Is that an engagement ring?

Let me guess,

you're not a fan of love?

Not when it means you lose half your funding.

Sorry, what?!

If you're married, the law sees Abe as someone to aid you.

I don't see how wearing a ring on my finger changes the way that

I navigate my life with a PA.

I mean, my needs are still

- going to be the same... - Unless your husband dies,

in which case, we would re-evaluate the situation.

But as your husband-to-be isn't currently dead,

he is considered your primary caregiver.

- I-I-I hate all of this. - Permission to speak freely?

Permission granted.

Look, it's clear you're very capable, but this house,

this situation, it disables you.

- What does that mean? - It means you might want to find

somewhere else to live, and think about putting your autonomy first.

I was in love once.

Didn't end so well.

- I'm so sorry. - Yeah.

It turned out she didn't feel the same.

There were restraining orders. It got messy.

I'll see myself out.

DOOR CLOSES

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

-Hey. - Oh, hey, motherfucker!

- I really need to talk to you. - Oh, snap.

Um, where are you?

I mean, I don't know what the fuck to do!

I'm obviously not going to cancel the wedding,

but you know how Abe feels about the house.

- He's never going to sell. - Yeah, I mean, his repressed

British sadness seeps through the brickwork.

- Not helpful. - Look, I mean, maybe finding somewhere new

isn't the worst idea. Don't all newlyweds buy, renovate

and then divorce?

- Hmm? - Maybe.

Sorry, I haven't even asked how you are.

Er, no, it's fine. Let's just keep on unravelling

- your domestic neurosis. That is way more fun. - Wait a sec.

- You're avoiding saying something vulnerable. - No!

Oh, it's about Levi!

- You want to get back together with him. - Oh, I hate it when you do that!

- Oh, fuck, Jo. - OK, look, I know.

I don't want it to be a thing, but it kind of is a thing

and, like, I don't know, it's kind of gross,

but we sort of fit, in a fucked-up way.

- Urgh! - Have you talked to him about this?

I have tried.

OK, look, as disgusting as

- I find it... - Ha! - ...if you're going to betray me...

- Mm. - ...at least you're doing it with meaning and my consent.

But you really need to talk to him.

Or we could just get shit-faced!

- Fuck, yeah! - Yeah!

- But you have to come with me tonight. - No.

Hey, boy.

Hey.

Oh.

- So, any nerves about the big day? - No.

- Second time around, you don't really sweat the small stuff. - What?

- No, I mean, Mum's book launch. - Oh!

Oh, no, no, not at all. No, happy for her. Look at this.

- She's gone from niche academia to writing a big proper book. - Yeah.

Even if said book really draws from her own life experiences?

ABE CHUCKLES No.

I think after all these years, there's nothing your mother

could say that would surprise me.

When I was married, I had an affair...

...with the neighbour next door.

We met on Saturday mornings, in his shed.

It wasn't romantic, or glamorous, it was animal.

Instinctive.

Hungry.

Sometimes, if my husband was out and the kids were asleep,

I'd slip out the back door.

We'd meet around the side of the house.

Didn't always make it to the shed.

My buttocks would bleed on the brickwork,

I'd bite my fist to keep from crying out.

This went on for years.

Humans are animals and monogamy is the exception,

not the rule, in the animal kingdom.

Lions form harems.

Dolphins are bisexual and have many, many partners.

Some species, sure,

are socially monogamous to rear offspring,

like gibbons,

grey wolves, dik-diks and seahorses.

And albatross.

And termites.

Marriage wasn't made for love,

it was made for power and control.

The moment a woman says "I do",

she enters a story she didn't write.

The ring may be gold

and the cage invisible,

but it is definitely there,

and it is made of steel.

- Excuse me. - So this may be a warning...

- Sorry, excuse me. - ...a message of hope.

Excuse me...

Oh!

Oh!

- So embarrassing! - It's fine.

It's so far from being fine! What if Jane's right?

What, that we're all poly super-sluts

and so are dolphins? Obviously!

No, that I could lose all my funding and be caged with a man

and be dependent on him, which is

really dangerous in the animal kingdom.

OK, Freya, what do you want to do, huh?

You want to move out? You want to call off the wedding?

Cos frankly, I'm getting a little tired of your excuses

as to why you don't want to get married.

And I wish you all the best with the polyamory.

- Thank you. - I hope it goes well. - Bye.

What... was that?

Was it an interrupted reading of my book?

You... you... you wanted to do this here?

I had to find that out in public?

- Who are you?! - Oh!

- Was it Compost Colin? - OK, so, I told you to read it

and I told you to read it all the way through. I'm guessing

you didn't. Why was that? The very next paragraph says

I didn't go through with it. It was just an affair of the mind!

- Of the mind?! - Yes! It was...

It was a fantasy.

That was the whole... Don't look at me like that, everybody does it.

- So you didn't actually...? - No.

Oh, Jesus, Jane!

I mean, maybe start with that!

No, because my publicist said that the scandal bit was the hook,

and she was right. Look, it's working.

Jane, this... this is a distorted,

unfair, wholly biased version of anything you and I

ever had together. And Colin was, like, 5'4", for fuck's sake!

- Used to wear those stupid little loafers. - I'm 5'4",

and I wear stupid loafers. I'm sorry you find it so threatening.

Used to call him Tassel Toes.

Well, that's not what I used to call him, in my mind.

- Gross. - Listen, Abe, this is YOUR shit.

I sent you the PDFs and I changed the names.

So, do you want me to sign this?

Who shall I sign it to?

- Well, Gabe! - Yeah, OK.

You literally changed one letter!

"To Gabe, fuck off!

"Jane." You know, I do have deep respect for these very complicated

emotions you're having around my book, but if you'll see that

there is actually an exceptionally long line of people

who are interested in reading it, so...

- You're a very rude person. - Don't give a shit.

That must have been hard.

Oh, yeah. I'm not sure I'm ever going to really get hard again.

Hey, er, Levi, I, um...

I'm so sorry I'm so shit at expressing myself.

I do feel that, like, after six glasses of

champagne, it might be easier, so...

I miss you, I thought about you all the time,

and I just didn't know what to do.

And so, yeah, there you go. I...I said it, so, yeah.

OK. Um, well, um, that's very nice to hear, Jo. Thank you.

- Do you think that, like, we could spend some time...? - Um, what I...

What I think is that, er, you make me feel like shit,

and it's not good for me, you know?

Um, and that means, therefore, you're not good for me.

And, um, because of that, I think it's probably best that we just,

er, we just see each other around.

So, um... it's been fun.

Hey!

The twat had his light on.

He just drove straight past, the... ableist bastard!

I need to talk to you about something.

Well, yeah, don't worry about knocking over the book display.

It was a welcome distraction, if anything.

Abe, that must have been so difficult for you...

Hmm.

...but honestly, fuck it!

Yeah. Fuck it.

Fuck it.

- Fuck it. - OK, Abe...

- Fuck it. - Abe, you're glitching. - F...

There's something else I need to talk to you about.

What's up?

I'm serious, Jo, I can't do this.

Having my funding taken away is one thing,

but becoming reliant on you

for everything,

I mean, I...I don't want that

for either of us, do you?

It isn't ideal...

- No shit! - ...but we will figure it out.

I mean, that's what we do, right?

So, um, what's the solution?

I don't have a solution right this second...

- Great. - ...but I love you...

...and you know I'll do anything to make you happy.

Anything?

Mm-hm.

I need you to sell the house.

I don't think I can do that.