Original subtitles

This programme contains very strong language and adult humour

- Oh, Ty, no, no, no, no, no. - Oh, my God!

- A 24-hour PA thing. - Carer?

You don't do a single thing for her, you lazy fuck!

I wondered whether these might look better on someone standing.

Ty, you're fired.

How long before we can get a replacement, do you think?

- - I need you.

Fine, I'll do it.

- I'm like the Pied Piper of piss. - SHE LAUGHS

Oh, shit!

You're wiping piss on a model!

Shut up.

POP! Frida heat.

- I'm actually an artist. - Oh, my God, I'm an artist, too.

If there's one thing that people love right now, it's this.

Yeah? It's all of this.

- What?! - Yeah.

Naked 5k!

Time me, OK?

I would like a divorce...

...please.

Levi, Jo. Jo, Levi.

- Levi is Abe's son. - Hi.

Hello.

Oh, my God, you're fucking Levi.

SHE LAUGHS

Just kidding.

That would be, like, the worst thing that you could ever do.

You might be good for Freya,

but you're not good for us.

Jane called me. She said she doesn't work here any more.

BABY CRIES DISTANTLY

BABY CRIES

When you're alone, frustrated, and have no help,

some things feel out of reach.

Benefits shouldn't be.

If your condition makes everyday tasks hard, you may be eligible...

Cut! Uh. Let's reset.

It's not you, Freya.

Get a move on. Going again.

- BELL RINGS - Right, where's the real crying baby?

All good? Need anything?

Yeah - gun with a single bullet would be great.

Hey, how do we feel about that one?

Oh, er, I guess you tell me.

Oh, please. I follow a very actor-led approach.

Loved it.

Ah, interesting.

I felt it really didn't work.

HE CHUCKLES

OK, erm, what's missing for you?

This. I need raw, real, that lived experience.

You saying, "Hey, if something is wrong with your body,

"the Government will throw you a fiver."

- Got it. - We'll go for another one.

This time, when you're looking around,

could you give it a bit more, erm, helpless in the eyes?

Sure thing.

Shall we workshop it?

Hmm, yeah.

Er, yeah, OK. Erm...

OK, that's too helpless. That's Unicef.

And dial it down.

Further...

...further, and back up.

Hey, did you see that?

It's called professional collaboration, people.

Look it up.

Where's the fucking baby?

Oh, there she is.

Are you pre-retirement Serena Williams?

Because you were serving out there.

OK, what's four plus four?

- Eight. - And that's exactly what you did, girlie pop.

You ate them up.

I'm sorry. I just can't do this any more.

Oh, no, is it David?

He does tend to rub people up the wrong way,

- sometimes literally. - God, do you remember that one time?

No, it's... It's not him. It's my art -

my immersive sculpture, my oil portraiture.

You know, the work that I love to do, but never get a chance to?

Sorry, what was that?

But I can still do the occasional job, depending on what it is.

No, no, no, no, no. That ring.

Is that...?

Could you possibly have failed to tell us you're fucking engaged?

Oh, that's a casual ring.

- Totally casual. - That signifies betrothal?

He proposed last week.

THEY SQUEAL As in this last week?

- Ty, fuck's sake. - This is big, big, big, big news.

- Huge news for us as your reps. - Mm-hm.

- SHE GASPS - Do you know who should do her dress?

- - Bean.

- Bean? - Mr Bean.

Not Mr Bean.

Beanie McElroy, bridal wear visionary.

You two will fall in love.

- Let us set up a collab. - Yes.

Oh, that's OK. No, you don't need to.

Worst case, there's no spark.

Best case, a chic, custom-made, specially discounted bridal garment.

- Huge exposure. - I'm calling her. I'm calling her now. - Please.

But what's in it for her? It's not like I...

- A legit disabled bride as your canvas is gold dust. - Uh!

Anyone who gives a hoot about incluse representaysh will froth.

Darling, it's Liv.

I've got fashion's fave tetraplege model/upcoming artiste...

/soon to be bride here.

OK, yeah, yeah, one sec, one sec.

What are we thinking?

- Fine. - She said yes.

I know she said yes.

- Bean. - Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant.

It's a yes.

Let's sync calendars. Let's do this.

Hey, darling. Hope you're in the mood for a lovely surprise,

Levi's here!

Yay!

It's me, Levi.

Needs somewhere to stay.

Right.

- Yeah. - Hey, well, you look amazing.

Thank you... I think.

I've been out hustling in search of gainful employment.

Where? The certified hottie getting himself together

after being dumped by someone he was far too good for

in the first place factory?

Erm, er, no.

Nando's, mainly.

- Hot. - Well, you look like you're doing better.

Don't let the new coat of paint fool you.

I'm still extremely mental.

Found him curled up in the spare bedroom this afternoon.

Jo's old bedroom.

You were having a healthy cry, weren't you, boy?

Yes, because the duvet still smelt of her.

And my mother says that my heartbreak has an odour to it.

Jane was never keen on anyone emoting around her, was she?

Yeah. Although I will say

she has been particularly apathetic towards my despair.

Well, don't expect a pity party from us here.

Yeah. Cos we're actually thriving without Jo at the moment.

Aren't we, guys?

Yeah, the dynamics here are rock-solid

and we don't need any setbacks.

Well, you'll get no trouble from me. I'm a good boy.

It's up to you, darling. Is that a little bit acidic?

Ooh, no.

Lovely body.

Right, shall we go sit down?

How can I help?

So they're besties all of a sudden?

Yeah, they've been like this since Jo left.

It's fucking annoying.

Yeah, and I'm guessing you haven't heard from Jo since...?

Since you asked me last week or the week before that.

OK, I'm just, like, starting to get a little bit worried that

maybe we have, like, a missing person situation on our hands.

- She's fine. - Yeah, but what if she's been kidnapped or trafficked

or fallen down a big, big well?

Or maybe this is just what Jo does.

She, I don't know, appears when you want her the least

and Houdinis when you need her most.

And we are ready!

You know, you're welcome to stay here as long as you need.

Just try and keep the cry-wanking to a minimum.

Oh, no, you'll barely hear a thing...

...in the daytime.

The nights are going to be horrendous.

So true.

So somehow my attempt to soft-quit ended up with me being

gently bullied by the Olivias into meeting someone called Bean

who makes wedding dresses.

HE CHUCKLES

I think they're probably just a bit over-excited, aren't they?

I mean, it's a wedding. It's exciting.

Yeah, Abe, it is exciting.

I mean, it's not not exciting.

It's just, I don't want to be consumed by it.

Yeah, no, I get that. I'll just...

Yeah, take it nice and slow.

Great, cos I've always found a long engagement to be very chic.

When you say long...

Erm, I guess the timeline in my head was maybe two years.

Two years?!

Yeah.

Two YEARS?

Yeah.

- - Two years.

Yeah. That's very relaxed.

- Yeah. - So, so chic.

Just want to rejoin the art world,

save up so I can contribute to the wedding, you know?

Hashtag #Equality, babe.

I just think it's so exciting to be engaged.

Right? That's the fun part, not spreadsheeting florists.

Well, you say that. Florists get booked up.

I mean, you know, we want tulips from Holland at peak bloom,

and a certain colour palette.

I don't know. We haven't even discussed that.

What is the colour palette? What is the theme?

What is the range? Are we doing pastel?

- Are we doing autumnal? - OK, you're spiralling.

And this isn't my first wedding, remember?

I have learned things.

First rule - cousin with the snakes, not in charge of anything.

You see, when you bring up your last wedding, it stops being so hot.

Well, I hear that.

Oh, Freya, the bridesmaids, currently just me,

have some mood boards to be looked over ASAP.

Current colour palette, virgin dusk.

Whenever you're ready.

I'll be... Yeah.

It is down here... I think.

Don't worry, I dropped a pin.

Now, if we vanish, they'll have a breadcrumb trail.

But who did you share the pin with?

Oh, no-one who'd look for us.

Is this, er...?

It's kind of...

- Yeah. - This is it.

It's you!

Ah!

- Oh! - Oh!

Ooh. Oh. Ooh.

Ah! It's you and it's me.

And one for the chair.

Oh! Ooh! Ooh!

- - Come on in.

Follow me into the creative lair.

The Bean machine, as I like to call it.

THEY LAUGH

Do you know? I started out in TV costume,

but people just kept throwing the clothes at me.

It was laundry, laundry, laundry.

So finally I just said, "Burn it down."

And I torched the van with all the costumes in.

- Oh, wow. - Unfortunately, I also lived in that van,

so I was without a home for a while, but...

But then I started posting bridal gowns on socials,

built up quite a following.

Now, very happy life.

Wow! What a journey you've had.

Never stop being positive.

If someone says it's going to rain tomorrow,

be sure to tell them how great that'll be for the farmers.

That's Yoko Ono on Twitter.

I say that all the time.

- Do you? - Yeah.

So you are getting married when?

Oh, we haven't set a date yet.

Oh.

And are you feeling peaceful?

I think so, yeah. Yeah.

To create a more peaceful world requires a peaceful mind

and a peaceful heart.

That was the Dalai Lama. On Twitter.

They tried to cancel him.

I remember.

- Right, let's have a look-see. - Mm.

Now, this is a dress made entirely out of coins.

It's a protest against the wedding industrial complex.

SHE LAUGHS

Oh.

Yeah.

But, for you, I think something more... minimal.

I think so, yeah.

Minimal, minimal.

I think we should try this.

This is half a dress

for someone who's half-certain about getting married.

I mean, it could be a skirt,

but I think that makes less of a statement.

Anchovies.

Oh, no, thank you.

Yes, please.

Ah!

It's a fish.

- That's what anchovies are. - I know.

Mm-hm. It's nice.

- Do you want another? - Yeah.

Hmm.

Oh! Yum!

Mm.

BEAN INHALES SHARPLY

Now, this one matches your aura.

If you don't mind me saying so, you carry the...

...the energy of someone deeply lonely.

There's clearly a slice of sadness to this wedding.

Something missing.

I mean, maybe it's just who you brought.

Oh, well, this is... This is Ty. She's my PA.

Right. No best friend? No sister? No prosecco auntie?

Why so alone like a wedding orphan?

No, no, no, that's... That's not the case.

I mean, Freya is surrounded by people, you know.

And also, her and Abe are absolutely perfect together.

- You wouldn't believe. - Right. Then why is she crying?

I'm not. I'm not crying.

- - Oh, my God!

Oh, I am. Er...

Yeah, not that you hit a nerve, cos, erm...

Definitely nothing you said.

- Er... - Do you know, a wedding is a place of joy,

yes, but it's also a place of oneness,

not just with the other...

- - ...but with oneself.

Who was that? Dalai or Yoko?

It was just me.

On Twitter.

SHUTTER DOOR RUMBLES Pretty amazing, isn't she?

That was something.

Oh, I can smell the anchovies coming out of your pores.

It's still in my mouth.

Oh, my God, Ty, spit it out.

- Feel better now. - Oof!

You know, I don't blame you for her leaving.

Well, yeah, why would you blame me?

Well, because you scared her off that night.

- Oh, - I - scared her off? - Yeah!

The two of you spoke, and then she left, never to be seen again.

I assume there was some kind of fight.

Oh, really? Really?

And you didn't think that maybe it was you announcing

in front of everyone that you loved her that maybe scared her off?

Yeah, that's a dizzyingly high soapbox you're on here.

There is nothing that will scare Jo off more than

premature love-bombing over-committedness.

It was mutual love-bombing.

The truth is, Levi, maybe you were just a bit young for her.

Seriously, you and Daddio?

At least Jo and I are the same generation.

We're both millennials, I think.

You're right. Not young - immature.

You think I'm immature?

I'm not immature.

I'm not... If you think I'm immature, then you're a bitch.

Sorry. Whoa!

I'm immediately so sorry.

SHE LAUGHS That was awful of me.

Holy shit. You're a bitch.

Yes, I am a bitch. I'm a bitch.

Look, Freya, Jo's been a really good friend to you.

She's dealt with things that you didn't even know were happening,

got on with it without complaining because she cares about you.

She's... She's your best friend.

What are you going to do, get married without her?

How does that work? That'd be so weird.

Look, you and I both need her to come back.

Sorry again for calling you a cunt.

You called me a bitch.

Oh, no, this was earlier, when you were out.

OK, bad news.

A bunch of your socks shrank.

But - silver lining -

if you're planning on having a baby, how cute!

- Cock sock? - Mm... no, I've got plenty, thank you.

Clearly, at some point, we will have to address this.

Address what?

This radiating sensual energy between us.

I know you've got a thing for PAs,

but professionalism comes first for me.

So if you want to try something on, fine, yeah,

but just wait until after evening hours, yeah?

I have absolutely no intention of doing that.

Yeah. Look, if anything does happen,

erm, I guess I'll have to ask Freya formally if I should resign.

You won't need to do that.

SHE SIGHS Bless you.

Don't look.

GROOVY AFRICAN POP PLAYS

This'll be it. Very pretty. Love it.

- I love this. - Got to be...

- Wow! - Oo-er! - Not what I pictured.

No, I kind of pictured neck tattoos, facial hair.

Or maybe neck beard, facial tattoos.

Someone more Rag'n'Bone Man.

- Yes, in a way, I was expecting THE Rag'n'Bone Man. - Yeah.

Well, you must be the Olivias.

- - How did you know?!

- Oh. - Ah, roses!

Love that.

Oh, my goodness.

Hi! We were in the area and thought, "Why not pop in?"

Is that so weird?

Well, you're just in time for coffee.

- Gorgeous. - So bougie. Mm! Didn't see it coming.

Right, first up, Bean adored you.

Oh! She wants to do the dress, the bridesmaids,

the bridal headwear, all free of charge.

- Seriously? - Mm.

No, I thought Bean hated me.

What?! No, the opposite.

She had a vision about you.

Now, we might have promised her a tagged carousel post,

- and this got our hive minds buzzing. - Yeah.

We thought, "Why stop at the dress?

"Why not roll out an entire campaign?"

With the both of you.

You both.

I don't know. I'm not an influencer.

I once live-streamed my chin for six minutes.

I don't know, this all sounds very proactive, doesn't it?

Might get things moving.

Right. You like inclusivity.

Six story posts, and you could be gifted a fully accessible,

fully comped London venue, in London.

You know, we're thinking of getting a hashtag going.

How about hashtag #WheelieInLove?

Or hashtag #JustRollWithIt.

OK, these sound like hate crimes, but, er, go on.

And you'll receive a bespoke wedding wheelchair.

I shudder to think what that looks like.

Oh, well, I'll tell you right now.

It's a chair with a veil attached to it.

- Wow. - That is a hell of an offer.

- I mean, we should talk about it. - No, we won't.

- We won't? No? - No.

This doesn't sound like a wedding.

This sounds like inspiration porn.

Yeah, but, I mean, it takes care of any, erm, contributions.

- Could be fun. - Which part?

Hashtag #WheelieInLove?

OK, Freya, hear us out,

because we've also been thinking about your art.

Now, do you know the artist Anddii?

Two Ds, two Is.

We got her from 900 followers to 200,000.

Now she's exhibiting at the Beige Rectangle.

This is what it can do.

Visibility, platform.

Then you flop out the work.

So you really think this could actually help

- with my platform for my artwork? - Exactly.

Think art meets commerce meets inclusivity.

And we completely exploit that, tastefully.

DOORBELL RINGS - - I've got it!

- Hey, Mum. - Hi, love. How you doing? I've got your...

In the end, you'd be in total creative control.

- Dad? Why don't you give it to me? - You can't be trusted...

Don't go in there, cos there's people, obviously, in there.

- Oh, shit. Sorry. - They're doing a thing.

- Sorry to interrupt. - - How about that?

- Can I...? - - Come on.

- - No, I just... I've got a Levi survival kit.

- Just give it to me instead of to Dad. - Yeah.

- Pants... - I'm 29. - ...pills, roll-on deodorant.

- - I'll look after that.

I'll have them. They're my pills for MY depression.

Yeah, no, no, no, it's fine. We'll just meter them out.

- OK, so this is Jane, er, Abe's ex-wife. - Hi.

- - Oh! - And Levi, his son.

Blended family angle.

Gorgeously relatable.

Lovely stuff.

OK, well, I'm probably going to go because I...

No, stay, stay. We love building out Freya's world.

Erm, I hear you're writing a book.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- That's amazing. What's it about? - Good for you.

Monogamy in gibbons.

- What else? - Oh, back to the gibbons.

Well, it's not just gibbons, actually.

It's also penguins, who don't, it turns out,

propose to each other with pebbles.

That's a Disney myth.

And, erm, a lot of them are paedophiles...

- Nonces. - ...to be honest. They are.

And humans, of course. So, yeah.

I'm using a few examples from our own marriage.

Well, that's interesting.

Which examples might they be?

- Jane... - You're going to have to read it to find out.

- Yes? - Do you have reps?

Representaysh.

Jo!

Woo!

It's five steps to launching you through the lens of this wedding.

And monetising it so people pay you to get married.

I think we should do it. I think it will be great for you.

- - I think it's a good idea.

I think people should pay you to get married.

I...I don't know.

It just feels a bit like selling your soul.

ABE SCOFFS

- - Listen, for a free venue,

you can do what you want with my soul. Am I right?

OK. It feels, like, about as authentic as that accent.

I mean, doesn't it just seem a bit...

Morally bleak, spiritually violent?

- Yes. - Yeah.

I don't think so. I think it goes all the way through,

past morally bleak and spiritually violent,

through tacky, and comes out as a work of art.

I mean, you don't think we'd end up as some kind of, like,

I don't know, over-designed circus or a freak show?

No, no, no, no, it's not a circus. It's not a freak show.

No, not at all. Uh-uh.

- No, it is a brand journey. - Mm.

Yes? And you have something to say.

I mean, I guess I could be a bit more online.

- Yes! - Yes, there she is.

Look, there is so much good here -

- disabled joy, an interabled wedding. - Yes.

More than ever, it is vital that disabled people feel seen.

I think it's genius.

You know who'd really hate this fake allyship bullshit? Jo.

You know, what does the...

the walk down the aisle look like?

- - What does the first dance look like...?

- These are the questions that people actually... - Yes.

If you were asking me, I'd give you a big, fat yes right now.

But they're not asking you, are they?

Yes, they are.

Well, technically they're asking both of them.

Yeah, but Dad's got no integrity because he's a lawyer.

- That's not true. - Said every lawyer everywhere.

- - Well, we're asking Freya!

Oh! There's that look the director wanted.

DOORBELL RINGS

Jo!

Freya?

How did you...?

Find My Friends. You never switched off your location.

OK, well, that feels invasive.

- Who's that guy? - What the fuck is that on your finger?

How does everyone have, like, ring radar?

Are you seriously engaged?

Oh, what, and you're here to see if I can help you get out of it?

No, I'm here to see if you're still alive.

Dick.

Levi's been a complete mess while you're clearly living up

the high life with Pepe Le Pew.

That? No, that's my 23-year-old boss.

And he's Spanish, by the way.

HORN TOOTS Wait a second, please.

And, FYI, the high life is me translating dirty talk

for some horny Spanish soccer wunderkid

who can barely tie his own fucking shoelaces.

Well, FYI, I'm glad that it's not just my life

that's sucking total ass right now.

Oh, the shit people have been saying,

and I couldn't even text you.

No, you could have.

Well, you owe me an apology.

No, you owe ME an apology!

Oh, surprise, surprise - deflecting to avoid accountability.

OK, you know what? Bye.

Aperol Spritz.

OK, so...?

One drink. Saturday?

What would Abe think?

I don't know.

That's why I'm not going to tell him.

Time is 0900 hours. We can begin.

- You lied. - I didn't lie.

I just wasn't telling the truth.

Why didn't you tell me that Jo is stalking you?

- - Action.

- I have a lifetime... - Down on one knee.

What? Huh?

What... was that?

Am I going to fuck a Smurf?

Freya, what do you want to do? You want to call off the wedding?

Are you scared of the dress's disruptive potential or your own?

People are gagging for more.

Oh! They are retching.