Original subtitles

IMITATES WATER DRIPPING Why aren't you dancing?

God, there are so many reasons. Oh, stop it, you'll school 'em.

So "moodelling"? Hmm.

Doesn't that kind of like compromise your artistic integrity?

Obviously. But...have to do it.

We always said that we were going to sell the house when Levi moved out.

When he moves out. And he's currently sleeping on your sofa.

He's not exactly on his feet, is he?

Truth. Do you think about me as often as I think about you?

Truth. How often do you think about me? Not that much.

I'm here to make this house work for YOU!

I guess I just thought I would be doing this, him and I, you know?

We're talking about selling the house

and...are you installing a fucking lift?!

Freya needs an accessible home!

Don't make me feel like a prick.

I got in it and it just... Somehow it just made me feel more disabled.

Um, can you get me out? Come on, let's take her out.

Jo, I told you. Get me out of this, please!

I think it looks like a fucking motorbike. She's a killer.

HORNS TOOT REPEATEDLY

PHONE VIBRATES

Jo.

LEVI BLOWS SOFTLY

JO GRUMBLES Jo, wake up. Wake up. Jo.

Wait, did we...?

No, no, no. No, look, I'm still wearing my jeans.

Oh. No, you just booty-called me

and then ditched me immediately to go and help Freya piss.

And then we dry-humped for like two minutes

and then you fell asleep in a dump.

Mmm. Mmm.

Fuck.

Oh, God, I'm so tired.

PHONE VIBRATES No, no, no, no, no.

No! No, please. No, I can't.

I have to get Freya up. Come on. Fuck.

We're like an old married couple,

except we've never once fucked. Fuck!

You have to go before they see you! What? What?

Yeah, you need to go. OK, OK, OK, I'm going. Go, go.

Fuck, OK.

Jesus, out the window again?

I fucking hate Dawson's Creek.

I've snuck out this house a thousand times, OK?

PHONE VIBRATES

Tonight, OK? I promise, you'll get to at least third base.

Lights on.

I don't understand the base system but that is

VERY exciting.

What depth of crisis got YOU out of bed before midday?

I resent that.

Shouldn't need a reason to visit my dad. Oh!

Why are you here?

I was just going to, um, you know...

I-I came here to, er...

Are we starting on the truck?

Yeah, was going to clean the truck.

Yes, yes! Let's go!

The cleaning stuff's right here, look.

Of course.

I didn't know being your PA was going to be so sleepless.

Oh, I know, I'll have a word with my bladder.

Oh, it's calling HR.

Guess what. It's me.

You funny gal.

PHONE ALERT Oh, your car's on its way.

Where's Abe? I don't know.

I thought he was supposed to take time off to help you settle in.

Yeah, but he spends all of his time with his ex-wife -

well, current wife.

Levi was supposed to have moved out but somehow he's always here.

Is he? He's not always here.

Yeah, he is.

How about craft beer?

Or how about something that reflects your travels through Asia?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Of course. Entitled white guy returns home

from travelling in a Third World country

and appropriates their cuisine. Sure.

In fact, Dad, actually, while we're at it,

why don't we turn the van into a recording studio?

I'll get cornrows, you do "blaccent"

and we just lay down a couple of dotty beats.

Question - does it ever get a little bit tiring being

so critical of literally everything and everyone?

No.

WHIRRING Nice new wheels.

Er, thank you?

You all right? Oh, got to go.

Where are you off to? It's shoot day.

Shoot day, of course it is, yes. Oh, wow, look who it is.

Hey. Hey! Hey. Hey. Hey.

Go smash it, babe!

I'll try. You'll be great.

Shame she missed the opportunity to marry the Fonz.

Frida Kahlo and, er, spicy food - this gig was like made for you.

No, it's bullshit. I'm not even Mexican,

and as if an artist like Frida Kahlo would

sell out and promote some sort of hipster hot sauce made in Exeter!

Are you kidding me?

Frida Kahlo married an old guy who was loaded.

It's not like she was like a pillar of artistic integrity.

Er, no, she married an exceptional artist,

who could've been with anyone, and he chose her,

a queer disabled woman. Yeah, I've seen the film.

Frida Kahlo married a dude who already had a family

and treated her like shit.

Are you fucking serious right now?!

Don't shout. I barely slept last night.

Yeah, because you weren't doing your job properly.

Properly?! I was up with you all night.

I had to call you several times first.

OK, I'm going to speak in my capacity as your PA and friend.

You are being a total prick right now.

Sorry, I just seem to have adopted

a 28-year-old manchild and his mother,

and I'm selling shitty hot sauce instead of making art.

And I just...

If anyone even suggests a monobrow,

I will lose my fucking shit.

Yes, yes! More spice, more sizzle.

Drop your chin.

Yeah, that's it. That's it.

Real... Yeah, that's it. Bit of growl.

Oh! That is a movie star profile right there.

You know, I was really dreading today.

Oh, my God, me too. I mean,

these gigs, they pay well but, I mean, this isn't me.

I'm, um...

I'm actually an artist.

Yeah, yeah, I do, er... No way. I do like sound installations.

More like, um, acoustic healing journeys.

Oh, my God, I'm an artist too.

Oh, yeah. I can see that in you.

SHE MUMBLES

PHONE VIBRATES

Yes! That's it.

You know, you look stunning.

I feel real affinity towards Frida, you know.

Well, um, you're not actually Frida Kahlo.

I mean, you are Frida Kahlo.

We just can't say that you're Frida Kahlo. You know, legal stuff.

Jo! Can you get some water for me, please?

These lights are, er...

I'm dying under them.

Actually, Jo, can you fetch two? Yeah. Thanks, babes.

GONG TINKLES, FUNKY MEDITATIVE MUSIC

WIND CHIMES CLATTER Please. Stay...with...me.

Oh. Stress...

That's really powerful.

Have you ever considered like acoustic healing?

I think it could really help you.

It helped my sister SO much.

So is your sister disabled?

No, um, she had, er,

cystitis. Yeah. Oh, I'm so sorry.

Here's your water.

Thanks.

MUSIC CONTINUES

SOFT WAILING

What the fuck is this shit?!

Being a chef is such a hassle.

Why couldn't you have just set me up in photography,

like the Beckhams did with THEIR useless son?

There's nothing useless about you, boy.

You've just been unwell.

Abe, can we actually talk through some of this?

Am I going to add the repair costs on my car door?

I don't know that now's the time, is it, Jane?

There's lots to sort out still. Yes, Jane. Now's not the time.

Abe's trying to teach the boy some discipline!

Right, OK, well, I'll leave you to it, then.

No, no. Don't do that.

You're being all breezy now because you're just going to leave,

and me and Dad are going to have to deal with it alone.

And, yes, the metaphor is not lost on me there.

OK, fine, well, I'll stay and help.

Aw, look at his adorable face

when his victim narrative gets undermined.

What can I do?

PHONE VIBRATES

My lunch is disgusting. How's yours?

I'm sorry, do you want me to go and FETCH you something else?

Perhaps I could go catch some lobster for you and Haruka.

Oh, she just asked for water.

She bossed me around and you said nothing.

Oh, come on. We were talking about our art.

Her art?! She's gentrifying whale sounds.

Apparently scientists are just beginning to understand

the impact of soundwaves.

OK, you did not just say that. Permission to speak freely

in my capacity as your friend and not as your PA?

Are you going to call me a prick again?

I understand that you feel like Abe is distracted,

but Haruka is a basic bitch in modern queer-ware.

Extremely hot and very, very fuckable, but vapid.

And you've sworn off these types.

I know.

Right, going to show Abe my make-up.

Babe! Hello, darling.

Oh, you look goy-geous!

I'm not Frida Kahlo.

Oh, no, you're just a hot bird with a monobrow.

How's it going? It's going good, it's going really, really good.

Yeah. Levi's made chicken satay...

Abe! So you must have some when you get home.

No! What the fuck is that?! JANE SCREAMS WITH LAUGHTER

What, you...?

She's put pickle down my back.

What are you doing, darling?! Stop, listen, hey!

Let the boy focu...

Listen, behave yourself, woman.

Ay-y-y!

Look, it could have been worse.

At least they weren't fucking when you called!

This is not what I moved here for.

That is fucking amazing. It's really good. It's so good.

It's really, really fucking good. OK, OK, you both have to say that.

You've got too big a dog in this fight.

Well... OK, well... No.

Why don't we offer it up to the public? Yeah.

We'll batch this lot up, we'll hand it out to see what people think.

I'm not giving out food to strangers!

That's like "paedophile with sweets" level creepy.

No, that's like "man at the bar buys you a drink" level creepy.

Let's go to the park. Yes. What?

I'm not giving out food in the park with my mum and my dad.

Well, then, move out and get a job.

It is real world

or satay! No, no, no. This is bullshit. I'm not...

I'm not going to be pushed into this -

it's really weird and frankly it's bullying.

I'm still not doing it. Um, no, this is...this is absurd.

We're on a bridge, there's only two exits. They can't get out.

Hi, hi there.

Sorry, we're starting a mobile food truck and wondered

if you wanted to try some samples. Er. Yeah, sure.

Sure, why not. Yes? Yes. Great.

There you go. Ooh!

Er, yeah...

Does it taste professional?

Mmm. It's good! Yeah? REALLY good. That's nice. Oh, that's great.

Can I just ask, are you not like at all concerned

about taking food from strangers?

Like, what if this contained GHB or rat faeces?

I'm 32 and I still live with my parents.

Free shit's free shit. Yeah, what she said.

That's actually quite hard to argue with. Er...

JANE CHUCKLES

Take some for the road, if that's OK.

OK. That's enough.

OK. Thanks. Yay that's great! Bye. Right? Whoa.

I mean, they live with their parents as well.

OK, so a little rehearsal, you're going to turn to camera

and then say the brand name.

Free Da Heat. OK, again, but like you don't care.

Free Da Heat. OK. Again, but like it's hot.

Free Da Heat. Yeah, OK.

Again, but, um, turn me on.

Er...

BANG!

Free Da Heat.

Ooh, OK, I think we got it.

Damn, I want some hot sauce now.

Um, can we get make-up in?

Freya's a bit shiny.

Freya, do you want a matcha?

Oh, no, I'm good, thanks.

Jo, can you get me a matcha?

Er-r-r-r-r...

Nope.

Listen, Freya, we're going to the Rum Barrel for wrap drinks later.

You and, um... what's-her-face going to come?

My name is Jo and, Freya, we have plans.

Dinner plans. Yeah, we got something pencilled in, but I...

I... Freya, I know what you're doing.

I think I can persuade you.

Probably.

Another happy customer.

There we go. Fuck... That is mad. That is just mental. All right,

have a good one. Excuse me, um...

Just ignore him. No, I'm not igno...

Um, excuse me, sorry to interrupt... Not now.

Hear me out, this is free chicken satay. How often in your life

do you get something...? Look, I said not now. All right?

Sorry, thank you, but we're in a little bit of a rush. Yeah.

Give it here. We'll take your shitty food. See you later.

OK, you don't have to be a dick about it.

Sorry, but my freebies are actually only for the pure of heart, so...

What? What are you, a fucking retard?

Darling, let's...

Um, OK, don't "darling" him.

That's enabling a total piece of shit.

What?! You don't know me.

Haruka's just wondering if we're sure

if we don't want to go for drinks at the Rum Barrel.

Game's a little strong, considering she just met you.

I mean, maybe just one?

No, please, Freya, I'm so tired.

And she's a monster, a self-entitled, arrogant,

perfectly symmetrical monster.

That's a bit mean.

Just cos she has a septum piercing.

Fine, fine, I'll call Abe and tell him we're on our way home.

We actually DO know each other.

We've slept together. This is mad!

Right, back off, you retard.

We don't say that word any more,

you fucking prick!

I'll say whatever the fuck I like.

Get up, you prick. What are you going to do?

Alex, seriously... Chicken?! Put the skewer down. Put the skewer down.

Actually that's quite dangerous.

Put the chick... Put it down.

Jesus Christ!

All right, all right, all right. You idiot. Prick!

What's up with you? He's got a fucking screw loose, that guy.

He's mad! Whoa! All right.

You're a nut case. OK...

Ah.

Don't...snap. Got a wipe...

PHONE RINGS Oh!

Lean forward, will you?

Freya, it's Freya...

Yeah, tell her I'll call her back.

Abe will call you back. Everything's fine.

Do I pull it out or do I leave it in?

CALL CUTS OFF Sorry, we're just going to get out again, we don't need a cab.

Um... Oh, make your mind up!

What?

Come on, we're just going for drinks with friends.

It's a thing that people do.

Right.

Look, I know you're pissed with Abe and on the rebound.

Very intuitive. And she IS your usual type.

She is fit.

So what am I supposed to do when I go home,

just lie about all of this to Abe and Levi?

I mean, I don't really know what Levi has to do with any of this.

It's just a little weird that now I'm like an accomplice

to your affair to a Gen Z with a pixie cut.

Accomplice? Affair? Are you serious?

All I'm asking is for you to do your job.

Sorry.

It's been an absolute pleasure.

Dickhead.

I know you've been stabbed by your son,

but I think, on balance, today's been pretty positive.

I shouldn't have pushed you into it, though, mate.

I don't think it was fair.

I think this might work, you know. Do you think?

Yeah. I mean, I've got to work on not saying the first thing that

pops into my head every time.

I mean, probably doing something a little bit more interesting

than chicken satay. But...

Yeah. Bit mid. Where did you learn to say mid?

Your father's dating a yout!

JANE LAUGHS True.

Sorry.

You know, you can afford to let go of me a little bit,

I will be fine, I won't die.

I mean, having said that,

I absolutely could not handle that guy on my own today.

He was absolutely massive. He was going to kill me.

Yeah, I got you, bro.

Is that good for threes? No, it's our thing.

Oh! Have you called Freya back yet?

I tell you what, I haven't been a very good partner, though.

Don't beat yourself up, Dad, you've been parenting!

RINGING TONE 28 is a notoriously hard age for a little boy.

This is Freya, leave a message... Come on, come on.

All right, all right. What do I do? What do I do?

How about you sign the final divorce agreement?

Oh, yeah.

Nothing says "I love you" to your girlfriend

more than divorcing your current wife.

Hmm.

A pen. Right, I'll get the pen, then, shall I?

Thank you, boy. What?!

ABE SNIFFLES

Don't be melodramatic, just do it. All right, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Yeah.

PEN CLICKS

Right. Right? Yeah. Do you...? No.

Excellent. No, that's...no... No, that's not....

Look, I'm not saying that spending the day

reverse Parent Trapping yourselves probably isn't very romantic

for Freya, but why don't you just go to the Rum Barrel and talk to her?

Mmm. Go where?

The Rum Barrel.

It's...it's where they said they were going earlier.

Come on. You don't listen to a thing she says, do you?

You've got to do something thoughtful and attentive.

All the things that get chicks wet, am I right, Mum?!

Mm-hm.

No, I... No, I regret that.

I hate everything about this.

You're thinking with your clit. This is such a bad idea.

You need to get the fuck on board.

We're going to get some drinks and you've got to be my wingman.

OK, a single gong and I'm out of here.

POP MUSIC PLAYS Ah, excuse me.

Sorry, can I...? Yeah, thanks.

Hey!

Oh, my gosh.

Hey!

Hey. Hey!

Hey, Freya, how you doing?

Oh, how's it going? Oh, cool.

Just one drink, yeah? Yeah, yeah.

G&T.

I'm sorry about that... Freya, you came!

Oh, my God, hey! I think you look hot, man.

Ay! So do you! It's Frida fucking Kahlo!

Are you OK?

Hey, you look hot! Hey, do you want to do a cheeky line?

I'm so glad you came. I wanted to ask you something all day.

Something a bit naughty. I...

Are you sure you're OK?

Will Jo have to lift you to sit on my face?

Ow!

Getting mauled by a cokehead wasn't as fun as I remember.

Car will be here in eight minutes.

Oh, sorry, am I allowed to speak now

or am I still wearing my butler's coat?

No, sorry for enjoying the one time I didn't feel invisible.

It's fine, I get it.

But, Freya, you didn't have to introduce me as your PA.

Freya. Jo, you ARE my PA.

Freya.

Abe, what are you doing here? ABE PANTS

Can you give us a second?

I've been really distracted, and I'm sorry.

This is amazing, what you're doing.

I'm so proud of you. I mean, it's really not that amazing.

I think it is.

I'm just, um...

Levi, you know,

when I went to Indonesia to get him...

I basically spent a week just lying next to him in bed,

just scared what he might do if I left

and, er, sometimes I worry that he's still in that place.

But more and more I realise it's...

..it's me that is...

You know what I mean?

Thank you.

Can we just go home? Yeah.

Take me home.

LEVI MOANS Shut the fuck up.

Sh! Shhh!

Fuck! Oh, my God...! Sh!

I swear if we get caught before I see your dick...

Mmm. We'll be in so much trouble.

So much trouble. Yeah. Not to mention

how angry and disappointed your father's going to be.

Fuck, that's a lot! Fuck!

JO GIGGLES

Yeah!

I was going to say, um, before you threw me over your shoulder

and dragged me back to your cave,

I was going to ask you how your day was.

Um... Yeah, it was good.

I think I'm getting kind of good at this.

Yeah, I've no doubt.

Do your faces. Show...show me what you did.

Ah!

Oh.

Rrrr!

Ah. Why am I doing sound effects?

I don't know. Oh, that's nice.

I suddenly want to go and buy hot sauce now.

You're not put off by how I am, are you?

What, your, er,

humiliation father fetish?

No, no, no, no.

Just being like, you know, how my... how my brain works.

Er, well,

I have an emergency backpack under the bed.

So I can escape any situation.

What? Apparently it's a PTSD thing.

Down there? Mm-hm.

Oh, my God.

What the fuck is that?

WHISTLE PEEPS Shit! What are you doing?!

THEY CHUCKLE

What are YOU doing?

And how about these drinks, how was drinks?

Yeah, I mean, I only went

because this super-hot director was flirting with me, so...

Was he? OK.

SHE was.

OK.

But as soon as I got to the pub,

I didn't really want to be there, so...

Yeah. Why are you telling me that?

Well, because, you know, you're honest with me

and it's important we communicate openly, so...

Yeah, absolutely, always. But you don't...

You don't have tell me everything, that's not...

That's kind of just...

..hurtful.

So is your relationship with Jane!

I mean, you, Jane and Levi are this like impenetrable trio,

and it always leaves me in this really weird place.

So, Jo takes you to a pub because the director wants to fuck you?!

No! That's a great comparison...

No. ..to my family, yeah. No, no, I...

No, go on, let's have the details. Well, I was angry and I called you

and, what, your wife answers the phone?!

Well...

OK.

Will you fuck me while I wear nothing but the backpack?

Yeah. Thank you.

You know, we signed the divorce papers today.

No, I didn't know that.

Mm-hm.

Guess I'm no longer the slut piece on the side, then?

ABE CHUCKLES

No, you're not.

You're just my slut now.

Just take it off.

PHONE VIBRATES

Fuck.

Fuck. No, no, no, no.

Jo! Yeah?

Quick, I need to pee.

Abe's in the kitchen hiding his boner for Round Two.

Yeah.

Be right there.

Stay in there, she's coming.

Fucking hell.

LEVI GROANS

Ugh... I may be a while.

Just off for multiple years of therapy.