Original subtitles

Beep-beep! Ty, can you not make the sounds, please?

I'm actually going to head out and get some food. I'm kind of wiped.

You can't do that, Jo, you've got to stay with me.

But not like ALL the time. Yeah, all the time. That's the job.

Hey?! Did I ask for a food van?

Jo, what you doing? Can't believe you haven't been up here.

He could be living under a fake identity.

You had two boys. Two little tiddlers.

Yeah, Levi's, er...he's doing great.

OK, you got me. My mum left us when I was ten.

I knew it.

This is a bad idea. We'll agree to disagree.

Ty, let's go, like let's not... Oh, my God, this is incredible!

Yeah! Yes!

OK, even I didn't know you could look THAT good!

You nailed your first job. Yeah! Yes.

And there is only more where that's coming from.

I would like a divorce.

Please.

It's no big deal. Yes, it is.

Literally everyone does it.

Not in this way, and I've only ever had PAs do it before,

not friends, so... Come on, I've changed

a bunch of shitty diapers before.

Yeah, you know, I don't really love being compared to a baby.

So, remember, you basically just put it in and give it a swirl.

I know! I've done my training.

I am certified. I know what I'm doing.

OK.

JO CLEARS THORAT OK.

Um... Swirl... Oh.

Other hole. Yeah, sorry.

There it is.

And...

..swirl.

Yeah? Yes. Thanks, yeah.

JO QUIETLY RETCHES Are you gagging? No.

CONTINUES RETCHING

You are, you're gagging! No, I'm not. I'm sorry!

This is SO humiliating!

No, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. No, get me out of here.

I just... Um... Er...

Just put your finger in my ass. This was a bad idea.

No, do it! For equality's sake.

OK... JO EXHALES

BOTH GRUNT

You pee in the shower, don't you? I do pee in the shower.

I'm peeing right now.

Right...

Your pubic mound is my Everest, baby.

SHAVER WHIRS OK, but I want it to say "panache".

Got it - less mullet, more curtain bangs.

Be ready for your big day out.

What about a centre parting?

Are you still up for that exhibition this morning?

Apparently it's very dick-heavy.

Oh, I adore the morning wood, you know that.

Special delivery! Ooh, sorry.

Oh. Your chair's here! Whoops! OK.

Be careful. Sorry, clear that.

Is that my shirt?

And glasses?!

Sweet new ride. Want to get in? Um...

Maybe later. Right.

We...cruise around those galleries today.

Yeah. Almost done.

You want me to do the back?

So is this a bad time?

Well, I...I need to, er... I need to get changed, so...

Oh, does that mean... Oh.

What did I tell you about subtext?

Huh?

I am not...British.

Where are you taking that?

I haven't decided yet.

HE TUTS

Here I come.

Oh.

I used to fantasise about this.

When you were in Canada.

Mmm. Me too.

It's a new era, isn't it?

Electric chair. We should celebrate.

It's a power chair, though, darling.

Unless you're Texan.

Well, then, maybe...

..I should find us some peach cobbler

and we can add that to the celebratory dinner -

what do you say, little miss?

Can I ask you something?

I've never been onstage. Not once.

Do you ever feel like... when we're...

..when we're in public, um...

..how do you feel about being seen with me?

Because you're young and fit

and all the older women get jealous?

No.

Because I'm a wheelchair user.

Honestly?

Just proud.

I feel proud to be with someone

who is so intelligent, kind,

witty,

creative

and sexy.

And chair is part of that.

It's part of you.

And I fucking love every single part of you.

But people that don't see that?

I think, fuck 'em. It's their loss.

You've lost nothing.

Heels by Billy Nomates

Whoa! Jesus. Fuck!

I told you, stalking isn't my thing.

This is my family home.

And if anything, you're stalking me.

What are you doing here? Well, since you refuse to go on a date with me,

I have decided to bring the date to you.

Had to guess your coffee order

but everything about your vibe

SCREAMS black americano with a dash of oat.

I actually like almond milk better.

ABE WHISTLES HAPPILY Ooh!

You good?

Great. Yeah. You?

Yeah. Look after her.

That's really patronising.

Hey.

Some of us have actual work to get to. Yeah, me too.

The family of mice in the van aren't going to move themselves, are they?

Freya?

I feel like you should name it.

Ooh.

What about Chair, but you pronounce it Cher?

You know, like Sonny and Cher.

Oh...

What about Chair-kira?

OK...

Got it.

Yeah, I think I'm in.

And we're locked in.

Ooh! There's lights!

Very high-tech.

OK. Yeah?

Yeah. Shall we give it a whirl? Uh-huh.

Go on. Whoa! Whoa!

I got it, OK!

The thing goes really fast!

Oh! Oops! Shit.

Take it on. Thanks. Go.

Woooo! Oh, Jesus!

CHUCKLING

SQUEALING Steer, I got you.

Woo!

Ziggy-ziggy-ziggy.

It's going to be great for the limbo. And power naps.

Can you just, um, can you get me out, please?

Come on! Let's take Chair Danes out for a spin!

Just... Come on, let's take her out.

Jo, I told you, get me out of this, please.

Jesus.

LOW WHIRRING

OK.

What happened?

Nothing. I'm just tired.

Just give me a few minutes.

OK...

Do you even want me in here, or not? I'm good. Thanks.

Ah, take a seat. Thank you. Thanks.

Oh, is that an artwork

or is it just lollipops?

Lollipops.

So, what brings you here today?

Thought it might be a little bit novel, or illuminating,

I don't know, um,

to chat some things through as we finalise our divorce.

Um, there are a few contentious points that come up

that we can't quite agree on. How long have you been separated?

Around 13 years. 14 years.

Oh. Why divorce now?

Because he wants to get remarried.

And is that a source of tension? No, not at all.

No, she's absolutely fantastic. I really like her, she's...

I mean, she is half his age but then she uses a wheelchair,

so, you know, swings and roundabouts.

That's... I'm joking.

That's a joke. I'm joking.

I'm joking! I thought...

I thought it was funny, it wasn't funny. I'm sorry.

She's a lovely, lovely human being

and, um, she's also a very talented artist.

And they're a great couple and I sincerely wish you all the best.

So I'm sorry. Fuck.

Thank you, Jane. Fuck. I'm sorry.

I'll tell you what I do find wearying, though,

is, er, a newly acquired enthusiasm

for communicating every single

recently identified emotion.

We'd been together since we were 18, I know him inside out.

I know what he's thinking just from the way he's shaking his leg.

I-I would like to go forward,

you know, more objectively and fact-based...

True to form?

Um, yeah.

And I, er, not being a clairvoyant,

um - less able to read Jane's mind,

or indeed any of her appendages

so, yeah, I thought it might be helpful to come along

and chat about things and try and see things

through a slightly more emotional lens. Sorry.

What would you say that the main sources of conflict are, right now?

Our assets.

Nice doodles.

Stop flirting with me, I'm trying to work.

The only main asset, if you want to call it that,

is the house, which obviously I'm keeping hold of and...

So this is the... this is the, er, issue.

The house, "Which obviously I'm keeping".

You're just...you're just going to keep the house, are you?

What, the house that was our family home? The house that I have raised

our son in, alone, for the past 15 years.

Alone?! Ser...seriously?!

We always said that we were going to sell the house when Levi moved out.

And he's currently sleeping on your sofa -

he's not exactly on his feet, is he?

And what would you prefer happened to the house, Jane?

Sell it, obviously.

Or failing that, Abe should buy me out.

Er, yeah, great.

Perfect, perfect solution. Yeah.

You want cash or card?!

OK, so now he's joking in an American accent.

That is his entrenched dysfunctional pattern.

Sorry for the accent. It's just...

..it ain't going to hap....

I'm doing it again, sorry. It's not going to happen, OK?

I'm just... Do you even know how much that house is worth today?

I mean, I don't have that kind of cash. Does anyone?

So you've fallen out of love with gentrification today, have you?

I am... I'm genuinely astonished that you would have thought

I-I was just giving you the house.

Do you have any emotional connection to the house?

I know it's a very difficult decision.

But I think it's the right one.

Wow, actual deja vu.

That's a little...verbatim, what she said the day she left.

When you separated?

Thank you... When she left us, yeah.

Now, Doc, what do you think? Does someone need a lollipop?

It's fast shaping out to be my perfect morning.

I said I'd be home by one o'clock.

Can I jump in and get a lift?

JANE LAUGHS INCREDULOUSLY Yeah, that's a yes.

For fuck's sake.

I can feel her analysing us from the window.

Empaths do not live in a house like that.

DOORBELL

Yeah, come in, come in, come in.

Oh, shit. Builder?

Baker. Baker.

Yeah. Er, Baker's my name.

Oh. Yeah.

Patisserie route felt too obvious.

So... You're Freya?

Sometimes.

Er, wait here, please.

OK, time's up, dudette.

Builder's here. And his name is Baker.

What, already? Where's Abe? Come on. Let me get you up.

No, I'm waiting for Abe. We're doing this together.

So... Come on, Freya. You can't just like Cleopatra all day

and wait for your servants to come and wait on you.

I mean, why not? Sounds kind of chic to me.

Not the servants part.

It's been fucking hours. We've missed the show.

Why are you being so flaky?

I'm the flake?! I mean, it's not like you stick to YOUR plans.

What's THAT supposed to mean? Last year.

Last year?! What the f...?

Jesus Christ.

What is wrong with you?

It's almost like you're trying to pick a fight with me.

Jo, just bring him in here.

Fine.

Her Highness awaits you.

Hey. Hi, Freya.

I'm so sorry, I don't know where my partner is.

He's obviously running late.

Can we just wait till he comes? Yeah, absolutely.

I'll just...I'll wait out here. No problem...no problem at all.

Respectful distance. OK.

Everything all right?

Yeah, yeah, I just...

I forgot you drive like you...

..like you've got an open coffin on the roof.

40mph is the limit, not the goal.

How's work?

It's fine, thanks, it's good.

Taken a bit of a step back actually, you know, it's... Oh.

Want to do a little bit less. Well,

I want more time with Freya, you know. Just...

Wow. Yeah.

How noble.

Would like Freya to settle in properly, so... To be around.

So you decided to earn a bit less?

It's not about money, Jane.

It's about time.

You know? That's my...

..that's the point I was trying to make with Dr Roscia.

For the avoidance of doubt,

I would still like my half of the house in money, please.

This is interesting.

Doorframe? Yeah.

Yeah, my partner did that so my chair would fit.

Oh. Sweet gesture.

Mm. Terrible technique.

True.

Oh, you can perch here, if you want.

Huh? Oh, no, that's all right, I'll just...I'll wait out here.

No, I mean, really, there's loads of space in here, I don't mind at all.

No, no, it's important for me

that you feel comfortable in my presence so... I feel comfortable.

Work had us go on a course on sexual harassment.

It...it was eye-opening.

I bet.

Er, was it just the kitchen the we were going to have a look at

when he gets back? I mean, yeah, to start.

Er, I... If you want to check it out, it's down the corridor.

Yeah?

Round to the left. Yeah.

I mean, I'd love to get those like lowered units

so I can reach to the backburners because I adore cooking.

Hey.

And if I could get like a quote for the lift as well?

I know they're super expensive and we're going to have to prioritise.

Dexterity-wise...can you do this?

No, I can't do that for shit.

I mean, I'd like to get automated blinds,

but it's not really urgent, so... Isn't it?

You know, to me, a house isn't a home

until you can make it work for you, you know?

Right, I mean, I'd LIKE to be able to, at some point.

I mean, I don't always have bed days.

Hey, no judgments here.

No judgments.

My...my mum had chronic pain,

so she spent most of my childhood in bed.

A high priestess issuing commands from her chamber -

I feel right at home. THEY CHUCKLE

Yeah.

Was that all right, me sharing something personal about myself -

did that make you feel more or less comfortable?

You're good.

CLATTERING

CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY

SHE SIGHS

I knew you'd come around.

This isn't a date. No.

It's just two people who fancy each other having a cup of tea.

Dude, I'm bored as shit.

Do you want to play a game? Truth or Dare?

What are we, 13?

Truth. Where were you before you came here?

Freya's crotch, mostly.

France.

Dare.

Chug one of those warm beers.

I don't drink. Truth. Why are you here NOW?

You don't drink? It's my turn. Answer the question.

I'm here to help Freya. Is that it?

Truth. Why don't you drink?

Meds. Dare.

Flash the next person who walks past.

Hey, kid! Titties.

Ungrateful little shit.

Yeah, that's a shame, that.

Could have been an important core memory for him. Truth.

Why do you still live with your parents?

Because I had a breakdown in Indonesia

and now everybody's very worried about me.

Truth, do you think about me as often as I think about you?

Truth. How often do you think about me?

Not that much. Dare. Leave me the fuck alone.

IMITATES WATER DRIPPING

Incessant drip.

So good at that.

Hope it's not annoying.

So, what is it, this thing you've got to get home for so quickly?

Oh, it's nothing. Just have an appointment.

Just got a builder come... Or a modifications guy coming round

for some quote... What, a bui...? What, today? You've got a builder

coming round today?! A modifications guy.

Yeah. Just...just for a quote.

We're just going to do some minor changes to the house.

Like what? Like a...like a ramp up to the front door kind of thing?

Yeah. No. Adapting the kitchen a little bit,

you know, just the... And, um,

and maybe widening a couple of doorframes.

I'm sorry, but I don't know why you bother.

Freya can only use the ground floor.

You're just living on one floor.

I don't know why you even need the rest of the house?

For the time being she can, yeah, but, you know, that...

..that might change. What? How?

I don't know, later on we might...

..we might talk about, you know, putting in a lift.

What did you say? Huh? Lift?

Are you putting in a lift?

I didn't say putting in, I said... We're talking about selling

the house and... Are you installing a fucking lift?!

Not installing anything. We're getting quotes!

You're ripping in half the house that we co-own, without my consent?!

Quotes! You are unbelievable!

Oh, come on. I... I don't know why we even go for these conversations,

when you're just going to do exactly what you want anyway.

The arrogance of it. Ugh!

Freya needs an accessible home!

Don't make me feel like a prick.

If she needs an accessible home, why you don't sell ours and buy her one?

Because I don't want to lose my home! I've earned it.

I stayed, OK?

You're the one who upped and left.

OK. So you want to be paid

for parenting in-house? I don't want to be paid...

I'll tell you what's actually going on here... ..anything.

What's actually going on, you are charging me... I don't see why I should now leave the place...

..over £800,000... ..that was a sanctuary for my son when you were never there.

..for no longer wanting to sleep with you any more...

Someone had to...parent our fucking son!

Get out the car. I'm not getting out the car, Jane.

Get out the fucking car. You said you were going to take me home.

Abe, get out the car before I lose my fucking mind, Abe.

Get out the car, Abe!

I'm sorry, what was that?

Don't worry, I'll just get out the fucking car, shall I?

And, listen, um, hey, thanks for today.

It's been really helpful.

TYRES SQUEAL

Hello, man. Er, Abe?

Er, no, absolutely not.

PHONE VIBRATES Right. Never mind.

Um, and lift-wise. Um... Well, it all depends

on whether you've got a solid, load-bearing wall.

Like a lot of these Edwardian homes, they've got a little bit of, um...

Yeah, sorry, Baker. I just, er, want to wait for my partner.

It's technically his home. So...

Er...

Respectful distance.

YOU live here now?

Sure.

So fuck "technically".

I'm here to make this house work for YOU.

I guess I just thought I would be doing this... Him and I, you know?

Yeah, I respect that.

My wife watches an episode of Housewives without me,

forget about it, I'm in a bad mood all week.

You watch Housewives?! Yeah. It's cinema.

I even bought a case of Ramona's wine last week! I don't even drink.

Baker, Baker, Baker.

Pass me my laptop and get over here, bud.

Oh, no, I...I can't. Oh, OK.

Well, I respect your loyalty to your wife.

Fuck that. No, I'm three episodes down. No, double bill me

and everything, you know, it's just respectful distance and all of that.

OK. I feel very un-harassed.

In fact, I would feel more harassed

if you didn't watch the shit out of that show with me.

I'm down, sister. Let's go.

OK. Whatever you can.

Tow truck's going to be an hour at least.

An hour?!

Great.

That's perfect.

I told them to take their time.

Just, I can't believe that you've got a fucking builder round.

I mean, that was shitty without telling me.

Listen, what I said in the car...

It's fine.

I can't afford to buy you out.

Yeah, I'm getting that.

IMITATES WATER DRIPPING

Yeah, I don't think I can just sit here and wait.

I have to put her first. I'm sorry, Jane.

Fucking Tube's that way, isn't it?

PROGRAMME PLAYS ON LAPTOP She soured my experience for like the whole 13 seasons.

Dorinda would never have stood for that.

Do you see what I'm saying? Oh, Dorinda is so old-school, though.

I think they'll bring her back. Well, did you watch Girls Trip? Because...

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah! Yeah, because...

JO CLEARS THROAT Yeah.

PROGRAMME CONTINUES ON LAPTOP I'm sorry to interrupt.

Yeah, no, it's all above board. Um, respectful distance.

We're just waiting.

Sorry, Bakes, would you mind just giving me a minute with my PA?

No problem. I'll get the kettle on.

PROGRAMME STOPS

Are you going to tell me why you've been acting weird with me all day?

Why do you care? If I'm here, you have just less to do, right?

Because you're hiding something!

Stop overanalysing me! It's not your job.

Job?! Yeah.

OK, fine. If it's my job, then it's time to get the fuck up!

Jo, what the fuck?! Get up! Up!

Fuck! Get up! Hey, hey, hey.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Respectful distance.

Get out!

Gladly.

Sorry, Baker.

What are you doing in my bedroom?

It's not your bedroom.

It's Sam's, actually.

You know, we were actually like quite a catalogue family once.

I mean, we were literally in a catalogue once.

A very cringe catalogue. It was really embarrassing.

Mum and Dad in cable knit.

Sam and I were in dungarees or something.

Sam was my brother.

The one who...? Yeah, yeah.

Aneurysm just...

IMITATES EXPLOSION

Jesus. I'm sorry.

What, that I was a child model?

Or that I've got a dead brother?

Obviously the child model bit. Mm-hm.

Mum took off shortly afterwards.

Couldn't really handle it.

And funnily enough, it was around then

that I started developing these very gorgeous mental health issues.

I'm sorry that happened to you.

Truth. Why are you really here?

Um, because this is my bedroom.

No, no, no, I mean, like, why are you really here, in our house?

I don't buy that it's just because of Freya.

Fuck you. No, Jo, Jo, Jo, please.

Jo, Jo. Jo. I'm here because I have nowhere else to go, OK?

Um, if you're going to stick around...

..could we please do a little bit more kissing?

My mum had one of those.

No way. Mm-hm.

HE CHUCKLES SOFTLY

She loved it.

How many doughnuts can you do?

Um, I actually haven't taken it out yet.

And I feel really, really weird about it,

but I've been bullshitting my best friend all day.

This chair's been a month in the making.

And...

Seriously, I like arrived, got it fitted and I was so excited.

But I got in it and it just...

..somehow it just made me feel more disabled.

Hmm.

You know what I think?

I think it looks like a fucking motorbike.

She's a killer.

Have you named her yet?

My mum's was called Doreen.

Doreen!

You know, I can actually picture her drinking a G&T, wearing pearls.

HE CHUCKLES

Edna?

Edna.

Yeah! I like it!

New Housewife.

Oooh! Oooh! Right?

Since my accident,

I've needed someone to wheel me around everywhere.

So it's been 15 years since I've been out alone.

Hey, can I, um, ask you to help me with something?

Yeah.

All right.

Just there? Yeah hand on here.

OK. Oh...

Freya?

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Fuck. Jo! Fucking hell.

Jo!

What the fuck are you doing? Jo!

Are you escaping your own house?!

Yeah.

Jo!

Yes, I'm coming!

What the...? Jo!

Yeah, hey, what? I'm here. What's up?

What's up?

Where's Freya?

Er...

Shit.

ENGINES RUMBLE

HORNS TOOT REPEATEDLY

SHE SQUEALS