Original subtitles

This programme contains adult humour, scenes of a sexual nature from the start and very strong language

SIGHING AND KISSING

Oh, dear! Oh, Ty, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, God! Oh, my God! I'm so sorry! Whoa, whoa!

CLATTER

BUZZING

Right, erm... Uh, maybe knock next time?

Absolutely, yes, yes. Sorry. I will, yeah.

Do you want me back in...seven mins?

12?

Sorry, it's just I know some people can go and go and go.

BUZZING CONTINUES

I think just pop it on the side. Yeah.

BUZZING REVERBERATES

Oh, sorry. I'll call you later. Yep! Just keep me in the loop!

Ah!

SHE LAUGHS

I just want to... God, you are everywhere! Ohh!

Thank you.

I do try to make myself both visible and invisible.

Yeah. Definitely visible.

Hey.

I just want you to know I think what you're doing for Freya

is amazing.

The whole father-figure thing.

It's so heart-warming.

I mean, if I were a middle-aged, greying, bankruptcy lawyer,

and a hot, young Canadian artist moved in,

I'd be beside myself with insecurity.

But not you! And do you know why?

Because you're one of the good ones, Abe.

Thank you, Ty.

Thank you.

Here, I'll leave you to it.

Oh! Let's try that.

A whole year long distance?

I mean, I struggle with my wax lady being 40 minutes away.

But, I mean, look at you now! Hey?

Miracles.

They happen, people!

Ty, I want to talk to you about last night.

Oh...

It was so cute to see you both enjoying each other's bodies.

Honestly. I mean, I always wondered whether it worked

with you down there.

Oh, it... It works. Yeah, Ty, I don't really think that's....

CASE CLATTERS

SHE GASPS

Can you actually feel everything?

Everything.

And orgasm too, so...

Wow.

And can Abe feel it too?

DOORBELL RINGS I'll get it!

You know, I once orgasmed in three seconds on just salt alone.

I know, I know.

Abe, hey! Surprise!

You're looking good, man. Hello, Jo.

What you doing?

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm early but, you know, I thought I could go home

or, you know, just come straight here.

Or go home.

The party's not for ten hours.

Yeah, but what's, like, ten hours between friends? I mean, right?

SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY About ten hours.

Jo? Freya?

Hello!

Freya?

Argh! Oh, my God, Jo!

My God, it's so fucking good to see you. What...?!

Congrats on, um, all your new...life decisions.

Oh, thanks.

I didn't know you were coming!

Hi. I'm Ty.

Freya's personal care assistant.

And friend. Hey, Ty.

Oh! House-warming!

Ah! Sorry, the Eurostar didn't have any big ones.

Wow, thank you.

So, how long are you sticking around for? Ugh, dude.

I am literally homeless right now. I had to get the fuck out of Lille.

Oh, we'd love to have you stay, right?

Absolutely.

Stop. You're judging. She's my best friend.

Ex-best friend, I thought.

Been nearly a year, hasn't it?

Freya, I'm laying out some dresses for your interview.

Is it insane if we co-ordinate?

Oh, my God, she's going to make me commit a crime.

I had a nightmare I was trapped in an escape room with her last week.

Just her.

TY SINGS

What would her notice period be?

You just want her fired because she saw your ball sack last night?

No, I... I want to fire her because of...

Her personality? Yeah!

Well, no.

Yeah.

I'm sorry I come with such a highly irritating plus one.

I'm just happy you're here. I don't care who you come with.

And I know that my art stuff is quite, um... Big?

Distinctive.

Asshole. Go kick arse at your interview.

I don't want to go.

Don't do it, then. You don't need to do it.

I don't want to be a kept woman.

God, I love love.

Can I just...?

I wondered where these might look better on someone standing.

So, what's this meeting?

Uh, it's no big deal.

Oh... Our Freya was scouted as a model.

OK, that makes it sound impressive.

I just, you know, hash-tagged wheelchair on Instagram,

and this diversity agency slipped into my DMs. Mmm.

Do you think it's going to be like America's Next Top Model?

God, this job!

Wipes.

TY SINGS

Wow! She's, like, dolphin frequency annoying. Yeah.

you should have seen the people that I didn't hire.

I mean, at least she's...

Extra wipes. ..efficient.

So moodelling? Hmm.

Doesn't that kind of, like, compromise your artistic integrity?

Yeah, obviously,

but I have to do it.

I really need the money. Plus, disability's having a moment.

Hey, you were disabled way before it was cool.

I know, right? I've been doing this for years.

Tell me where you've been?

Look, it's been 11 months.

It's so long my tits have grown a cup size.

I've been busy!

With what? Hey, did you make this catheter chandelier?!

Yeah.

SHE PLAYS A FANFARE

I pissed out of those. Oh!

Right.

Honest to God,

do you think it's presumptuous if I packed some headshots of my own?

Knock yourself out.

I'm going to need two minutes.

DOORBELL RINGS

It's fine. We've got, like, 20 minutes. Vroom-vroom.

To make, like, a 55-minute journey? Beep-beep.

Ty, can you not make the sounds, please?

PHONE CHIMES

Excuse me, sir, wheelchair waiting.

PHONE CHIMES

Crikey. Hey! Hey, what the fuck!

Excuse me. What's up your arse? Pickle. What's that even mean?

OK, so...

So you're cleaning my house? No, no.

You only do that when you're nervous. No. What is it? What?

No, it's done. It's done. Stop. Done.

So, what? What? It's nothing.

It's nothing. Well, it's a couple of things. Um...

One, um, I'm throwing Freya a little welcome-to-London party,

and, erm...

Yeah, I think I'd like you to come.

Are you sure that's wise?

Which bit?

Oh, God.

The innocence.

OK. And two?

Two is, um...

..I would like a divorce.

Please.

So I guess, for me, it's like disability is just a subject

worth exploring, right, because it's kind of like...

I mean, we all have needs, right, and requirements,

so I guess through modelling, that's kind of what I'd want to do

is like highlight that in more of a kind of like,

my body may be different to you,

but, like, there's no difference, right?

You know what I mean? Like, there's nuance.

Sorry, I was completely out of it there.

Yeah, I'll be honest. I was just staring at your jawline.

So have you modelled much before?

Oh, just some life drawing stuff in Canada. Oh!

Comfortable with nudity? OK. Tick.

If I may... Yes. I think what Olivia and I are most excited about...

Sorry, wait a second, I thought...

Aren't you Olivia?

We're both Olivia.

..is your raw talent.

Yeah, I don't really know if I'm a model, so... Um...

OK, can I just stop you there?

You're the most fucking stunning woman I've ever seen in my life. Mm.

Yeah. And in terms of sell-ability, right now,

I mean as a proud white disabled woman...

I'm not, er, white.

Who is?

Yeah, well, I mean, I guess I am a bit,

but, like, also part Guyanese, part Chinese.

Oh! An angel rolled in from heaven.

So it's going well, then? Mm-hm. It's going really well. Yes.

Yeah. It's complicated but...

Well, I mean, I'd imagine it'd be complicated. Yeah.

She's not. I mean, she's not... She's not complicated,

but it's the whole...the whole, you know, 24-hour PA thing and...

What do you mean PA? Carer? Er, yes.

You don't do a single thing for her? You LAZY fuck!

Easy now. No, I would, but she needs 24-hour round-the-clock care

from a professional. That's just how it is.

Right. Hmm.

That must be weird.

It's an adjustment.

So, how's the sex?

The sex is the best sex I think I've ever... No! I was joking.

And also, just fuck off!

I mean, with a bit of shaping from us,

I'm seeing Paris, Milan, Tokyo,

Caracas.

Yes. I'd just love to see a pay cheque!

Oh. She's funny.

Mmm. We can use that.

Yeah. Yeah.

Bottom line is, right,

brands are dying to put someone like you in their ads. Hmm.

And I am dying to be in them.

Hey, Frey!

Do you have any cigarettes?

I'm so sorry, her English isn't great.

Hola. Hola.

Oh! Olivia!

OLIVIAS GIGGLE

I had a boyfriend from Granada.

So, is this all I can do you for, then -

a quick cuppa and a slice of divorce, or...?

That's about it.

I hate it when you do that voice. I know.

How's your knee? Feeling bendy?

You're not going to propose?

Oh!

Right...

Oh. I'm on it. Shit, Abe.

No, I've just got the parking. That's all. Abe. Abe...

So, are you and Freya best friends?

Er, yeah.

We used to be.

Oh. What happened?

Well, you know, um, Freya's whole...wheelchair...look?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Obviously.

Um... And please keep this between us. Oh, yeah.

Mm-mm...

Thank you.

When we were kids... Mm-hm?

..we were really, really close. We were, like, six or seven,

and, um, there was this bridge that we used to play on,

and it was...

It was very, very high.

And, I don't know,

one day, something just, like, took over me...

..and I just...pushed.

Wow...

Oh, my God.

If you want to tell someone you love them, you don't have to propose.

You can just buy them flowers or a bath bomb. You all right, Dad?

Hello, boy.

How's life with declining looks and intellect?

Have you washed your hands since your last little wank-a-thon?

Ooh, can I remind you this is a woman's space?

How's your mistress?

Freya's good, thank you. Yeah, settling in nicely.

Hey! You can reduce your carbon cock print

now you're not travelling back and forth to Canada

to have intercourse with a woman my age!

How about you and your failed East Asian odyssey?

Indonesia? I mastered the art of the perfect nasi goreng,

and then fucked a conservationist.

I would like to call that a resounding success.

Yeah, that white woman with dreadlocks. She was really lovely.

We didn't really discuss her heritage.

I thought you said she was Dutch. But all in all,

it was a trip of a lifetime. Mm-hm. Until you got sectioned.

Yeah, until I got sectioned.

You're all right now, aren't you, darling? I'm doing fine, thanks.

I'm not the one having a mid-life crisis, albeit a very inclusive one.

He's all right?

I think so.

Ground floor. You've reached the voicemail of Ty...

Doors opening.

Oh, hey, you're here. How did it go?

Hey! Yeah. Where's Ty? She's not answering.

Oh, I sent her out to get some cigarettes and paracetamol.

You can't do that. Why not? She's a PA.

Not your PA. Fuck, I need to pee. OK.

Relax. Relax. I'll do your cath. What?

What? I did it once at uni.

Your hands were numb because you were on K!

You peed! Um, excuse me, hi.

Do you have a disabled bathroom? We do. Yes.

Um, it is still technically being built,

but we have one on the way, which I think is the headline.

Fuck's sake.

So, you sure you remember how to do...? Yeah.

Catheterisation is my middle name.

If you mess it up, I'm going to get a UTI. Yeah, I know.

Um...

So you're wiping there, right, yeah?

Yeah. Wipe.

There we are. Wiping.

Yeah.

OK. Do you see the urethra?

Uh, yeah, of course I do.

Ooh, there it is, sneaky little fucker!

OK.

Slowly! I know! Slowly.

I'm a gentle lover. I doubt that.

Ah! Ooh! It's in. See?

I told you I could do it. I'm like the pied piper of piss.

Ooh, shit.

What? You've, uh... No.

It's just a little... No, it's not.

You're closing your right eye.

Oh, it really stings.

Don't lick your lips. Oh, and it's salty.

SHE SPITS

I've missed you.

Agh, yeah, who wouldn't miss this?

Jo, you're wiping piss on a model.

Shut up! They signed you?

Now you're finally just a pretty face!

It's all I ever wanted to be.

Uh...

Can you close my legs? Yes. Yeah.

For when the disabled loo's ready.

Thank you.

Jo! What you doing?

Jo? I hate being late.

I can't believe you haven't been up here.

He could be living under a fake identity!

I mean, I know you hate boundaries but this is ridiculous.

Do you want me to call the police? What? No.

She's my best friend.

But she did this to you.

What?

Freya, there's a room up here full of dolls that look just like you.

And they have big boobies.

Jo?

Yeah?

Right, listen, it's my responsibility

to get you places on time. No, Ty, no. We have to go!

What the fuck? Ty, stop!

Fuck.

We need to talk.

Absolutely.

It's just... It's not working out.

You and Abe?

No. Oh.

It's about Jo.

What about me?

Uh, it's probably best it comes from Freya.

No, Ty, it's just there have been a few instances when...

..and it's not an all-the-time thing, but I do wonder if...

Maybe we just... It would be better if we maybe took a...

Ty, you're fired.

And there's two weeks' notice,

so I obviously want you to come tonight... Oh.

Right, yeah, that's totally, um...

That's fair. I get it.

I...I guess maybe since becoming such good friends,

probably we shouldn't be colleagues anyway.

I agree.

Great.

I agree too. Yeah.

Here she is. Oh... Hi.

Didn't think you were going to show up. I fired Ty.

What? I fired Ty. Yes!

I mean, oh, no. How did she take it?

Hi, Freya! Yeah. Well, I think.

Hey. Who are all these assholes?

Mainly Abe's friends and family.

OK, that looks like... I'm going for a wazz. Hey!

Have you found out how long Jo is planning on staying?

This is so lovely. Look at all of this.

I feel... Aw! ..so welcome.

Oh, good. Shame you missed the national anthem.

Oh, yeah? We sang it four times.

OK. That's kind of disgusting.

TOILET FLUSHES

Thank you.

Sorry, I prefer the ladies'. It's a better vibe.

Clearly, mommy issues. No, actually it's because I've got a massive cock

and in the urinals people stare.

So, what was it - too much love or not enough?

Neither. Hate women or idealise them?

Hmm... Both.

Why, what about you?

Oh, that's easy. Daddy issues.

I like it hard.

OK, you got me. My mum left us when I was ten. Hmm.

I knew it!

Fuck you, Esther Perel! No, you didn't.

Well, at least you got a big dick out of it, right?

Massive.

Who are you?

Do you really care?

Not particularly, no.

Um...

Thank you.

You're welcome.

MUSIC PLAYS

Vodka martini.

Slightly dirty.

Excellent choice.

He's throwing some serious shapes. He's throwing ALL of the shapes.

From 1998.

Is he an old friend?

Ex-husband, actually.

Oh, shit! Oh shit is right.

"Oh shit" could have been our wedding vows, actually.

Cheers.

Oh, fuck me, that is delicious.

Why aren't you dancing?

God, there are so many reasons.

Oh, stop it, you'll school 'em.

Doreen's drunk.

Yeah. I saw that. Do you want me to...? Yeah. Would you?

Yeah.

Gin and tonic, please, Jo.

Damn, we're all out.

I didn't know you worked here.

I didn't know you invited your ex-wife.

OK, look, um, I know you guys are very close...

Oh. Your ex-wife? No, I just met her. She's lovely, though.

Very good.

I know you don't have much of an opinion of me.

I don't know you, Abe. When Freya met you travelling,

I was basically pushed out of my London trip, so...

OK. Listen, listen.

I'm very happy to have you stay for a couple of days,

but we are starting a life together,

she's settling in, and whilst she does, the last thing she needs...

Is a bat-shit marriage proposal in public?

OK, I'm not going to see her get hurt again, Jo.

Well, that makes two of us.

A couple of days.

Yeah, it's long distance. Oh, yes.

All straight, bro? Special delivery.

I've put four shots in this one.

Um, I'm so glad you're here.

Ty is like fucking blackout drunk,

and I have no clue about what I'm going to do tonight.

Cool. Listen, I really need to speak to you.

You look gorgeous.

You special thing. Oh-ho-ho.

Now, tell me, hand on heart,

can you get out of this thing?

Um...

So, do you still carry emergency coke? Yes!

BANG ON DOOR Occupied!

I bet it's fucking Doreen.

So, go on.

Make your comments about how I'm moving too quickly,

and how Abe's a boring old man. Yeah, I mean, I get it,

he's ancient, so you've got to do it whilst he's still alive. Wah-wah!

Uh... All right.

Fuck. OK. I think maybe...

..you know, it's moving a little fast. Or like...

..he is, at least. What's that supposed to mean?

Uh... Do you know what? Forget it, don't worry about it.

Forget what? Go on. Tell me.

Uh...

SHE SNIFFS

OK. OK.

Um, so...

I think that Abe is going to propose.

What?

Yeah. Like, maybe now.

Uh... Uh, so...

I'm sorry to... We'll get the music back on in just a...just a second.

And, um, I will just say a few words if that's OK.

But I will... I think I'm just going to wait until she...

..reappears.

Yeah, this is OK. Yeah.

The way I see it, you've got two options, right?

Uh-huh. You can say yes.

Like, that's a thing, right?

Or...oh! We can leave right now.

I'm serious, listen to me.

We can leave right now, we can hit up Provence.

I have access to an insane lake house. I mean, I'm...

I'm fucking the guy I've always wanted

in the house I've always wanted

in the motherfucking city I have always wanted!

Amen. This is... This is great.

This is GREAT! Fucking great.

You know, the louder you say it, the more I believe you.

What the fuck? We just moved in together.

It's so soon. I love him, but, like, in public?

A little bit awkward but that's OK.

Let's just talk amongst yourselves, I guess, till we're...

Is she there? She's not even...

Why are you here, anyway!

I'm here for you, obviously!

No, you're lying!

I haven't seen you for a year,

and you turn up to my place looking like fucking roadkill.

Hey! Don't turn on me.

I mean not now. You look great now. Yeah, OK.

You want me to help you or not? Huh?

Yeah.

Do you want me to buy you some time?

Freya!

FIRE ALARM BLARES

There you are. Hey, are you OK? Yeah. Where did you go?

I was about to do my big speech. I just had to pee.

Yes. Really? At that very moment?

Yeah, that's generally how it works, Dad.

Oh, uh, Levi, Jo.

Jo, Levi. Levi is Abe's son.

Hello.

Hi.

Your coat, madam. Oh.

You just... You could have just been nice to me.

Which way's north?

OK, um...

How long before we can get a replacement?

Dude, no.

No!

Dude, no.

You've got... You've got other things you need to be...

..moving on for, right?

I need you.

Fine. I'll do it.

I guess we have someone.