Original subtitles

Saturn,

Saturn,

Saturn, Mars, your butthole. These planets could

Mars, your butthole. These planets could

Mars, your butthole. These planets could be our future homes once we destroy

be our future homes once we destroy

be our future homes once we destroy Earth.

Earth.

Earth. But in order to be a successful

But in order to be a successful

But in order to be a successful interplanetary species, we must first

interplanetary species, we must first

interplanetary species, we must first learn about this vital need. Sex. But

learn about this vital need. Sex. But

learn about this vital need. Sex. But not just boring gravityass assisted sex.

not just boring gravityass assisted sex.

not just boring gravityass assisted sex. >> Does that feel good?

>> Does that feel good?

>> Does that feel good? >> I'm talking space.

>> I'm talking space.

>> I'm talking space. To understand the difference, I sat down

To understand the difference, I sat down

To understand the difference, I sat down with scientists Simon Dubet and Maria

with scientists Simon Dubet and Maria

with scientists Simon Dubet and Maria Santea, two sexy sexologists studying

Santea, two sexy sexologists studying

Santea, two sexy sexologists studying sex in space. Before we start having sex

sex in space. Before we start having sex

sex in space. Before we start having sex in space, let me go over my ground

in space, let me go over my ground

in space, let me go over my ground rules. I don't have any.

rules. I don't have any.

rules. I don't have any. >> We're not going to have sex in space.

>> We're not going to have sex in space.

>> We're not going to have sex in space. >> Wait, we're not going to have sex in

>> Wait, we're not going to have sex in

>> Wait, we're not going to have sex in space?

space?

space? >> No,

>> No,

>> No, >> not today.

>> not today.

>> not today. >> So, I guess I'll just ask you questions

>> So, I guess I'll just ask you questions

>> So, I guess I'll just ask you questions and listen.

and listen.

and listen. >> Why is sex in space important?

>> Why is sex in space important?

>> Why is sex in space important? Abstinence is not a viable solution if

Abstinence is not a viable solution if

Abstinence is not a viable solution if we intend to thrive and expand to the

we intend to thrive and expand to the

we intend to thrive and expand to the universe.

universe.

universe. >> The future of human civilization depends

>> The future of human civilization depends

>> The future of human civilization depends on sex in space because there's many

on sex in space because there's many

on sex in space because there's many existential threats to our civilization.

existential threats to our civilization.

existential threats to our civilization. Climate change, nuclear war, asteroids.

Climate change, nuclear war, asteroids.

Climate change, nuclear war, asteroids. >> In other words, in case [\h__\h] like this

>> In other words, in case [\h__\h] like this

>> In other words, in case [\h__\h] like this happens,

happens,

happens, we'll need to smash in space to keep our

we'll need to smash in space to keep our

we'll need to smash in space to keep our species going.

species going.

species going. >> So, there have been no official reports

>> So, there have been no official reports

>> So, there have been no official reports of human sex in space. You're telling me

of human sex in space. You're telling me

of human sex in space. You're telling me no one's ever joined the Thousand Mile

no one's ever joined the Thousand Mile

no one's ever joined the Thousand Mile High Club, as far as you know,

High Club, as far as you know,

High Club, as far as you know, >> or at least admitted to it.

>> or at least admitted to it.

>> or at least admitted to it. >> Well, send me up. I'm ready. When

>> Well, send me up. I'm ready. When

>> Well, send me up. I'm ready. When Costa's up there, it's not going to be

Costa's up there, it's not going to be

Costa's up there, it's not going to be Houston, we have a problem. It's going

Houston, we have a problem. It's going

Houston, we have a problem. It's going to be Houston, we got a boner.

to be Houston, we got a boner.

to be Houston, we got a boner. And since they have no record of sex

And since they have no record of sex

And since they have no record of sex outside our planet, they conduct studies

outside our planet, they conduct studies

outside our planet, they conduct studies in space-like environments here on

in space-like environments here on

in space-like environments here on Earth, minus the actual space part. But

Earth, minus the actual space part. But

Earth, minus the actual space part. But lots of questions remained unanswered,

lots of questions remained unanswered,

lots of questions remained unanswered, which is why I was chosen for this

which is why I was chosen for this

which is why I was chosen for this interview because I'm not afraid to ask

interview because I'm not afraid to ask

interview because I'm not afraid to ask the hard-hitting questions.

the hard-hitting questions.

the hard-hitting questions. How do you initiate foreplay if your

How do you initiate foreplay if your

How do you initiate foreplay if your partner keeps floating away? How do you

partner keeps floating away? How do you

partner keeps floating away? How do you stimulate the G-spot in zero G and also

stimulate the G-spot in zero G and also

stimulate the G-spot in zero G and also just in nonzero G like on Earth? How do

just in nonzero G like on Earth? How do

just in nonzero G like on Earth? How do you have sex with aliens? Yeah, NASA can

you have sex with aliens? Yeah, NASA can

you have sex with aliens? Yeah, NASA can land on the moon, but what happens if a

land on the moon, but what happens if a

land on the moon, but what happens if a condom breaks in orbit? Let's talk jizz.

condom breaks in orbit? Let's talk jizz.

condom breaks in orbit? Let's talk jizz. Where does it go in space? It can go

Where does it go in space? It can go

Where does it go in space? It can go everywhere.

everywhere.

everywhere. >> It needs to be contained. So, there's

>> It needs to be contained. So, there's

>> It needs to be contained. So, there's the possibility of using condoms.

the possibility of using condoms.

the possibility of using condoms. >> Isn't the whole point reproduction up

>> Isn't the whole point reproduction up

>> Isn't the whole point reproduction up there?

there?

there? >> But people don't just have sex for

>> But people don't just have sex for

>> But people don't just have sex for reproduction. They also have sex for

reproduction. They also have sex for

reproduction. They also have sex for pleasure.

pleasure.

pleasure. >> This is what I tell my wife all the

>> This is what I tell my wife all the

>> This is what I tell my wife all the time. But how do you do the nasty

time. But how do you do the nasty

time. But how do you do the nasty outside our planet? One wrong thrust and

outside our planet? One wrong thrust and

outside our planet? One wrong thrust and you're spat into the abyss like an

you're spat into the abyss like an

you're spat into the abyss like an outofcrol fidget spinner. Luckily,

outofcrol fidget spinner. Luckily,

outofcrol fidget spinner. Luckily, there's a solution.

there's a solution.

there's a solution. >> Oh, hey.

>> Oh, hey.

>> Oh, hey. >> These are sex suits. These look more

>> These are sex suits. These look more

>> These are sex suits. These look more like Dr. Evil suits.

like Dr. Evil suits.

like Dr. Evil suits. >> They are the two suit.

>> They are the two suit.

>> They are the two suit. >> This is the two suit.

>> This is the two suit.

>> This is the two suit. >> Yes.

>> Yes.

>> Yes. >> Talk me through space intimacy in a two

>> Talk me through space intimacy in a two

>> Talk me through space intimacy in a two suit.

suit.

suit. >> Step one, get consent. Simon, would you

>> Step one, get consent. Simon, would you

>> Step one, get consent. Simon, would you like to dock with me today?

like to dock with me today?

like to dock with me today? >> You have my enthusiastic consent. Okay.

>> You have my enthusiastic consent. Okay.

>> You have my enthusiastic consent. Okay. >> Step two, remove the front panel.

>> Step two, remove the front panel.

>> Step two, remove the front panel. >> Oh my god. Nothing like the sweet,

>> Oh my god. Nothing like the sweet,

>> Oh my god. Nothing like the sweet, soothing sounds of Velcro to get one in

soothing sounds of Velcro to get one in

soothing sounds of Velcro to get one in the mood.

the mood.

the mood. >> Step three, attach to your partner's

>> Step three, attach to your partner's

>> Step three, attach to your partner's torso. Step four, have a good time.

torso. Step four, have a good time.

torso. Step four, have a good time. These sexy suits were cosmic thirst

These sexy suits were cosmic thirst

These sexy suits were cosmic thirst traps. Oh my god, I'm feeling the energy

traps. Oh my god, I'm feeling the energy

traps. Oh my god, I'm feeling the energy already.

already.

already. >> I was so turned on that I had to try

>> I was so turned on that I had to try

>> I was so turned on that I had to try this two suit for myself and volunteer

this two suit for myself and volunteer

this two suit for myself and volunteer my skills for science.

my skills for science.

my skills for science. So step aside, Tom Hanks. You may have

So step aside, Tom Hanks. You may have

So step aside, Tom Hanks. You may have saved Apollo 13, but for the first time

saved Apollo 13, but for the first time

saved Apollo 13, but for the first time in recorded history, I'm going to have

in recorded history, I'm going to have

in recorded history, I'm going to have sex in a space simulator.

sex in a space simulator.

sex in a space simulator. One small ejaculation for man. One giant

One small ejaculation for man. One giant

One small ejaculation for man. One giant population of mini castas for mankind.

population of mini castas for mankind.

population of mini castas for mankind. >> Who's this lucky lady that's going to

>> Who's this lucky lady that's going to

>> Who's this lucky lady that's going to make history with me and maybe make

make history with me and maybe make

make history with me and maybe make babies?

babies?

babies? >> Meet Judy.

>> Meet Judy.

>> Meet Judy. >> Judy? What about like a real female

>> Judy? What about like a real female

>> Judy? What about like a real female human?

human?

human? >> I'll take her. Come here. Come here,

>> I'll take her. Come here. Come here,

>> I'll take her. Come here. Come here, Judy.

Judy.

Judy. It's time for Costa to put the ass in

It's time for Costa to put the ass in

It's time for Costa to put the ass in astronaut.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Huh. Judy. Okay,

Huh. Judy. Okay,

Huh. Judy. Okay, Judy. How do you feel about chest hair?

Judy. How do you feel about chest hair?

Judy. How do you feel about chest hair? It's your preference. Awesome.

It's your preference. Awesome.

It's your preference. Awesome. I thought unhooking a bra was tough,

I thought unhooking a bra was tough,

I thought unhooking a bra was tough, huh?

>> We learned that we could maybe do some

>> We learned that we could maybe do some

>> We learned that we could maybe do some modifications to the sue. Add some

modifications to the sue. Add some

modifications to the sue. Add some handles.

handles.

handles. >> All right, Costa. You're going to put a

>> All right, Costa. You're going to put a

>> All right, Costa. You're going to put a condom on a banana. You got a bigger

condom on a banana. You got a bigger

condom on a banana. You got a bigger one? Okay, here we go. Holy sh Okay,

one? Okay, here we go. Holy sh Okay,

one? Okay, here we go. Holy sh Okay, here's the condom.

here's the condom.

here's the condom. Here's the banana.

Here's the banana.

Here's the banana. It's on.

It's on.

It's on. >> That's for science.

>> We may need better candidates with

>> We may need better candidates with

>> We may need better candidates with stronger stomachs.

stronger stomachs.

stronger stomachs. >> We might also need more respectful

>> We might also need more respectful

>> We might also need more respectful individuals with a sense of ethics. I'm

individuals with a sense of ethics. I'm

individuals with a sense of ethics. I'm 69ing on the moon.

69ing on the moon.

69ing on the moon. >> The next steps will be to test some of

>> The next steps will be to test some of

>> The next steps will be to test some of these experiments in zero G flights and

these experiments in zero G flights and

these experiments in zero G flights and orbital flights. I did it. Judy's

orbital flights. I did it. Judy's

orbital flights. I did it. Judy's probably pregnant. I put a condom on a

probably pregnant. I put a condom on a

probably pregnant. I put a condom on a banana and I feel good about Sorry.

Next stop, space.

Next stop, space.

Next stop, space. I think I [\h__\h] myself too a little bit.