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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:11,358 --> 00:00:12,359 ANYONE NOTICE THE LOOKS I'M GETTING 2 00:00:12,490 --> 00:00:14,709 FROM THOSE TWO FINE YOUNG LADIES? 3 00:00:14,840 --> 00:00:18,017 MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE I'VE RECENTLY GROWN OUT MY MUSTACHE. 4 00:00:18,148 --> 00:00:19,453 - MM. - YEAH. 5 00:00:19,584 --> 00:00:21,151 OR THEY'RE MESMERIZED BY THAT 6 00:00:21,281 --> 00:00:23,240 SPAGHETTI SIDEBURN YOU'RE SPORTING. 7 00:00:23,370 --> 00:00:25,677 OH, MAN. 8 00:00:25,807 --> 00:00:26,852 WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME? 9 00:00:26,982 --> 00:00:28,593 HERE THEY ARE. MY FAVORITE PEOPLE! 10 00:00:28,723 --> 00:00:29,942 all: HEY! 11 00:00:30,073 --> 00:00:31,378 - MARIO. - HI. 12 00:00:31,509 --> 00:00:32,727 DAVID, GREAT TO SEE YOU. 13 00:00:32,858 --> 00:00:34,077 OH, MAN, EVERYTHING WAS FANTASTIC, THANK YOU. 14 00:00:34,207 --> 00:00:35,817 I SEE EVERYONE HAD THE HOBBS SPECIAL. 15 00:00:35,948 --> 00:00:38,168 LIKE WE HAD A CHOICE. 16 00:00:38,298 --> 00:00:40,518 DON'T YOU RUN OFF. I HAVE TIRAMISU FOR EVERYBODY. 17 00:00:40,648 --> 00:00:41,693 - NICE. - OOH, TIRAMISU. 18 00:00:41,823 --> 00:00:43,173 TIRAMISU, TIRAMISU. 19 00:00:46,437 --> 00:00:48,047 WOULD YOU LIKE TO SHARE WITH THE REST OF THE CLASS, EMILY? 20 00:00:48,178 --> 00:00:50,658 I'M SNAP-TALKING WITH MATTHEW. 21 00:00:50,789 --> 00:00:53,444 I SENT HIM A PICTURE OF MY PASTA SHAPED LIKE A SMILEY FACE, 22 00:00:53,574 --> 00:00:55,533 AND HE SENT ME A PICTURE OF A HEART MADE OUT OF KETCHUP, 23 00:00:55,663 --> 00:00:57,056 SO THEN I SENT HIM-- 24 00:00:57,187 --> 00:01:00,233 NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. DON'T RUIN THE ENDING FOR ME. 25 00:01:04,629 --> 00:01:06,239 HI. - SORRY TO INTERRUPT. 26 00:01:06,370 --> 00:01:09,112 WE HEARD CELEBRITIES EAT HERE. 27 00:01:09,242 --> 00:01:10,635 COULD WE BOTHER YOU FOR A PICTURE? 28 00:01:10,765 --> 00:01:14,508 OH, WELL. OKAY, SURE. 29 00:01:20,123 --> 00:01:22,777 WHY DON'T THOSE LADIES WANT YOUR PICTURE, MOMMY? 30 00:01:22,908 --> 00:01:24,388 'CAUSE NOBODY WATCHES SOAP OPERAS ANYMORE. 31 00:01:24,518 --> 00:01:26,999 SO NOBODY CARES WHO MOMMY IS, SWEETIE. 32 00:01:27,130 --> 00:01:29,697 ALL RIGHT. LET'S JUST DO THIS THING. 33 00:01:29,828 --> 00:01:31,960 OOH. - AY YI YI. 34 00:01:32,091 --> 00:01:34,180 WELL, UM, WE'LL-- 35 00:01:34,311 --> 00:01:35,877 WE'LL GET THAT ONE TO GO. 36 00:01:36,008 --> 00:01:38,532 - YEAH. - UM... 37 00:01:41,318 --> 00:01:43,668 EMILY, EMILY, YOU'VE BEEN ON THAT PHONE ALL NIGHT, 38 00:01:43,798 --> 00:01:45,452 AND IT'S FAMILY NIGHT. COME ON. 39 00:01:45,583 --> 00:01:49,239 YOU KEEP THIS UP, I'M GONNA TAKE IT AWAY FROM YOU. 40 00:01:49,369 --> 00:01:51,937 IT'S LIKE WE'RE RAISING A FOREHEAD. 41 00:01:52,067 --> 00:01:54,244 HEY! MAYBE--MAYBE THIS WILL CHANGE YOUR MIND. 42 00:01:54,374 --> 00:01:55,549 I SET UP A SMART ALERT FOR DAVID HOBBS. 43 00:01:55,680 --> 00:01:57,290 NOW ANY TIME YOUR NAME POPS UP ON THE INTERNET, 44 00:01:57,421 --> 00:02:01,468 I GET AN ALERT. ABOUT MY DADDY. 45 00:02:01,599 --> 00:02:03,166 REALLY? NICE. 46 00:02:03,296 --> 00:02:06,169 - WHOA. - WHAT? 47 00:02:06,299 --> 00:02:08,301 WHAT? WHAT? - UH-OH. 48 00:02:08,432 --> 00:02:09,302 WHAT IS IT? 49 00:02:13,828 --> 00:02:15,352 DOES AMERICA'S NUMBER ONE DAD 50 00:02:15,482 --> 00:02:19,312 TREAT HIS KIDS LIKE THEY'RE NUMBER TWO? 51 00:02:19,443 --> 00:02:21,575 THIS IS MITCH KROFT, AND, DAVID HOBBS... 52 00:02:21,706 --> 00:02:23,664 YOU HAVE BEEN MITCH-SLAPPED! 53 00:02:26,406 --> 00:02:28,321 IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. 54 00:02:28,452 --> 00:02:31,455 SURE, YOU JUST KEEP TELLING YOURSELF THAT. 55 00:02:55,392 --> 00:02:56,436 I WAS AS SURPRISED AS ANYONE TO SEE HOW 56 00:02:56,567 --> 00:02:58,525 DAVID HOBBS TREATS HIS SON. 57 00:02:58,656 --> 00:03:04,444 I MEAN, IT WENT FROM INNOCENT DESSERT TO TERROR...MISU. 58 00:03:06,533 --> 00:03:11,408 OUCH. 59 00:03:11,538 --> 00:03:12,626 I KNOW I'M YOUR FAVORITE, 60 00:03:12,757 --> 00:03:15,281 BUT CAN YOU MAKE IT A LITTLE LESS OBVIOUS? 61 00:03:18,545 --> 00:03:19,503 - DAD. - YEAH? 62 00:03:19,633 --> 00:03:21,026 WHY DID THAT GUY LIE ABOUT YOU? 63 00:03:21,156 --> 00:03:22,332 YOU DIDN'T DO IT ON PURPOSE. 64 00:03:22,462 --> 00:03:24,551 UNLESS I DID SOMETHING TO ANNOY YOU. 65 00:03:24,682 --> 00:03:26,292 'CAUSE SOMETIMES I DO THIS NERVOUS RAMBLING THING 66 00:03:26,423 --> 00:03:28,773 THAT BUGS PEOPLE, AND I DON'T REALLY REALIZE I'M DOING IT-- 67 00:03:28,903 --> 00:03:31,732 JOE, JOE, JOE, JOE. YOU'RE DOING IT. 68 00:03:31,863 --> 00:03:33,299 IT'S JUST WHAT THESE PEOPLE DO, SWEETIE. 69 00:03:33,430 --> 00:03:35,345 THEY TAKE PICTURES OF CELEBRITIES, 70 00:03:35,475 --> 00:03:37,912 AND THEY TRY TO MAKE US LOOK BAD, FOR MONEY. 71 00:03:38,043 --> 00:03:39,087 HMM? OKAY. - ALL RIGHT? 72 00:03:39,218 --> 00:03:39,958 GO GET READY FOR SCHOOL, PAL. 73 00:03:40,088 --> 00:03:41,438 ALL RIGHT. 74 00:03:41,568 --> 00:03:42,656 IF I EVER DO SOMETHING TO ANNOY YOU, 75 00:03:42,787 --> 00:03:44,310 YOU CAN JUST TELL ME, SO THEN I'LL BE AWARE OF IT-- 76 00:03:44,441 --> 00:03:47,879 JOE... YOU'RE DOING IT AGAIN. 77 00:03:48,009 --> 00:03:50,142 OOH, I'M SORRY. 78 00:03:50,273 --> 00:03:54,799 DID I SAY "US CELEBRITIES"? MY MISTAKE. 79 00:03:54,929 --> 00:03:57,280 A REAL CELEBRITY HAS MORE THAN SEVEN PEOPLE 80 00:03:57,410 --> 00:04:01,240 FOLLOWING THEM...ON TWITTER. 81 00:04:01,371 --> 00:04:03,677 HONEY, AS SOON AS I FOUND OUT WHERE TWITTER IS, 82 00:04:03,808 --> 00:04:06,637 I WILL FOLLOW YOU THERE, OKAY? 83 00:04:06,767 --> 00:04:07,812 A CLIP OF YOU NAILING JOE 84 00:04:07,942 --> 00:04:10,118 HAS ALREADY GOTTEN 9,000 HITS ONLINE. 85 00:04:10,249 --> 00:04:11,555 EMILY, HONEY. YOU'RE--YOU'RE GONNA... 86 00:04:14,819 --> 00:04:18,562 DO THAT. 87 00:04:18,692 --> 00:04:21,565 YOU SHOULD HAVE TEXTED HER. 88 00:04:21,695 --> 00:04:23,567 - YOU OKAY WITH THIS? - WHAT? 89 00:04:23,697 --> 00:04:25,830 THE TABLOIDS CAN BE PRETTY ROUGH. 90 00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:27,005 WHAT? COME ON. 91 00:04:27,135 --> 00:04:28,311 THIS JUST GOES ALONG WITH BEING 92 00:04:28,441 --> 00:04:30,835 AMERICA'S NUMBER ONE DAD FOR TEN YEARS RUNNING. 93 00:04:30,965 --> 00:04:32,184 RIGHT? COME ON. 94 00:04:32,315 --> 00:04:34,229 THEY'RE TRYING TO KNOCK ME OFF MY PEDESTAL. 95 00:04:34,360 --> 00:04:35,666 I'M SURPRISED IT DIDN'T HAPPEN SOONER. 96 00:04:35,796 --> 00:04:38,364 OH, IT DID. 97 00:04:38,495 --> 00:04:39,539 REMEMBER WHEN THEY WROTE YOU WERE HAVING 98 00:04:39,670 --> 00:04:44,065 A SCANDALOUS AFFAIR WITH SOPHIA VERGERA? 99 00:04:44,196 --> 00:04:49,593 OH, YEAH. 100 00:04:49,723 --> 00:04:53,248 THE HUMANITY. 101 00:04:58,297 --> 00:05:01,039 - OW! - OH. 102 00:05:01,169 --> 00:05:05,217 JUST RELAX, AND DADDY WILL TAKE CARE OF THIS, OKAY? 103 00:05:11,702 --> 00:05:13,486 YEAH. 104 00:05:13,617 --> 00:05:15,183 ALL RIGHT. WHAT DO YOU THINK, HUH? 105 00:05:15,314 --> 00:05:20,275 DON'T YOU LOOK PRETTY? 106 00:05:20,406 --> 00:05:23,931 DOES IT LOOK PRETTY TO YOU? 107 00:05:24,062 --> 00:05:26,543 UM...NO, IT DOES NOT. 108 00:05:26,673 --> 00:05:32,375 AND YOU SAY YOU KNOW HAIR. 109 00:05:35,116 --> 00:05:36,422 AT LEAST ONE OF US LOOKS GOOD. 110 00:05:37,858 --> 00:05:39,294 YEAH? - HEY, HEY, DAVID. 111 00:05:39,425 --> 00:05:40,165 - MARCUS! - HEY, HEY. 112 00:05:40,295 --> 00:05:41,471 GOLF! MARCUS, GOLF. 113 00:05:41,601 --> 00:05:43,995 OOH! HOUSTON, WE HAVE A PROBLEM HERE. 114 00:05:44,125 --> 00:05:45,300 NO, NO, NO. 115 00:05:45,431 --> 00:05:46,824 HOUSTON DOES NOT HAVE A PROBLEM, MARCUS. 116 00:05:46,954 --> 00:05:48,129 WE DO NOT HAVE A PROBLEM, OKAY? 117 00:05:48,260 --> 00:05:49,957 I NEED TO GOLF. I'M GOING INSANE IN THIS HOUSE. 118 00:05:50,088 --> 00:05:52,569 SERIOUSLY, I'VE HAD MORE TEA PARTIES THAN THE QUEEN. 119 00:05:52,699 --> 00:05:56,573 I AM--I AM A LEGEND IN "DUCK, DUCK, GOOSE." 120 00:05:56,703 --> 00:05:58,705 YOU KNOW WHAT "I SPY," MARCUS? YOU KNOW WHAT "I SPY"? 121 00:05:58,836 --> 00:06:02,143 "I SPY" A GOLF COURSE. 122 00:06:02,274 --> 00:06:03,971 LET ME EXPLAIN SOMETHING TO YOU, DAVID. 123 00:06:04,102 --> 00:06:06,844 EVERY MORNING MY WIFE GETS UP AND GOES DOWN TO HUCKELBERRY'S 124 00:06:06,974 --> 00:06:08,541 TO GET A DOZEN ECLAIRS. 125 00:06:08,672 --> 00:06:10,325 ALL RIGHT. YOU LIKE ECLAIRS. 126 00:06:10,456 --> 00:06:14,634 MAN, THAT DOZEN IS GONE BEFORE SHE GETS TO THE HOUSE. 127 00:06:14,765 --> 00:06:16,419 YOU LIVE TWO BLOCKS FROM THE STORE. 128 00:06:16,549 --> 00:06:17,898 DAVID, SHE DRIVES WITH HER KNEES. 129 00:06:18,029 --> 00:06:19,770 SHE DRIVES WITH HER KNEES. JUST LEANS--WITH THE KNEES. 130 00:06:21,685 --> 00:06:24,296 LISTEN. 131 00:06:24,427 --> 00:06:25,993 THE POINT IS, THEY HOLD THOSE ECLAIRS 132 00:06:26,124 --> 00:06:28,822 BECAUSE SHE IS CLOSE, PERSONAL FRIENDS WITH DAVID HOBBS. 133 00:06:28,953 --> 00:06:31,216 - I UNDERSTAND. - THIS MORNING? NO ECLAIRS. 134 00:06:31,346 --> 00:06:35,220 AND SHE CAME HOME WITH THIS. 135 00:06:38,963 --> 00:06:40,225 THIS IS A PICTURE OF ME AND EMILY 136 00:06:40,355 --> 00:06:41,835 WHEN SHE WAS FIVE YEARS OLD, MARCUS. 137 00:06:41,966 --> 00:06:43,010 COME ON, THEY PULLED THIS OUT OF THE ARCHIVES. 138 00:06:43,141 --> 00:06:44,185 THIS IS RIDICULOUS. 139 00:06:44,316 --> 00:06:45,578 THIS IS MY FAVORITE GAME TO PLAY WITH HER. 140 00:06:45,709 --> 00:06:46,536 I'D HANG HER UPSIDE DOWN BY HER ANKLES. 141 00:06:46,666 --> 00:06:48,538 SHE LOVED IT. 142 00:06:48,668 --> 00:06:50,061 THIS GUY IS JUST TRYING TO DIG UP SOME DIRT. 143 00:06:50,191 --> 00:06:51,454 THERE'S NOTHING THERE. 144 00:06:51,584 --> 00:06:52,585 YOU GOTTA DO SOMETHING, MAN, 145 00:06:52,716 --> 00:06:54,195 TO GET OUT IN FRONT OF THIS, ALL RIGHT? 146 00:06:54,326 --> 00:06:56,459 YOU GOTTA DO SOMETHING BIG, MAN. LOOK AT THIS. 147 00:06:56,589 --> 00:06:58,330 OH, COME ON. 148 00:06:58,461 --> 00:07:00,898 YOU KNOW WHAT, MARCUS? LOOK, MY--MY FANS, 149 00:07:01,028 --> 00:07:02,247 THEY STILL LOVE ME, AND THEN THEY'LL GO WITH ME 150 00:07:02,377 --> 00:07:04,728 NO MATTER WHAT. 151 00:07:04,858 --> 00:07:05,772 OH, HANG ON. 152 00:07:05,903 --> 00:07:08,079 HELLO? 153 00:07:08,209 --> 00:07:11,778 YES, THIS IS DAVID HOBBS, THE ONE AND ONLY. 154 00:07:11,909 --> 00:07:14,477 WHAT? WHY? 155 00:07:14,607 --> 00:07:16,130 NO, HANG--HANG ON A SECOND. 156 00:07:16,261 --> 00:07:19,525 THAT--THAT WAS A COMPLETE MISUNDERSTANDING. 157 00:07:19,656 --> 00:07:22,310 NO, I'M NOT RAISING MY VOICE. I'M FINE. 158 00:07:22,441 --> 00:07:24,225 WELL NOW I'M RAISING MY VOICE 'CAUSE YOU CANCELED MY TEE TIME! 159 00:07:24,356 --> 00:07:27,359 HOW'S THAT? HELLO? 160 00:07:27,490 --> 00:07:29,883 OH, THEY CANCELED OUR TEE TIME, MARCUS. 161 00:07:30,014 --> 00:07:32,538 OH, THEY CANCELED OUR TEE TIME? 162 00:07:32,669 --> 00:07:35,802 - DID I HEAR "TEA TIME"? - NO. 163 00:07:35,933 --> 00:07:37,717 YEAH, I'LL HAVE A LITTLE CHAMOMILE WITH A LITTLE HONEY 164 00:07:37,848 --> 00:07:39,284 TO CALM MY NERVES. I'D LIKE A LITTLE... 165 00:07:39,414 --> 00:07:42,417 HANG ON. 166 00:07:42,548 --> 00:07:43,897 HEY, GWEN, CHARLOTTE. 167 00:07:44,028 --> 00:07:46,683 HI, MR. HOBBS. 168 00:07:46,813 --> 00:07:48,946 JANIE'S ALL READY TO GO. 169 00:07:49,076 --> 00:07:50,425 OH, DAVID, ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT TO COME SELL COOKIES? 170 00:07:50,556 --> 00:07:52,210 I COULD REALLY USE YOUR HELP. 171 00:07:52,340 --> 00:07:54,473 I CAN SORT OF CONTROL CHARLOTTE, 172 00:07:54,604 --> 00:07:58,129 BUT JANIE EATS THROUGH OUR PROFITS LIKE A SMALL BEAVER. 173 00:08:01,262 --> 00:08:03,221 OUT IN FRONT OF IT, DAVID. 174 00:08:03,351 --> 00:08:05,789 NOTHING SAYS "GOOD DAD" LIKE A GROWN MAN 175 00:08:05,919 --> 00:08:08,574 IN A LITTLE GIRL'S UNIFORM SELLING COOKIES. 176 00:08:10,489 --> 00:08:13,753 I LOOK GOOD IN A UNIFORM. 177 00:08:13,884 --> 00:08:16,539 YEAH, THIS IS KIND OF FUN. I'M GLAD I CAME HERE TODAY. 178 00:08:16,669 --> 00:08:18,628 WELL, I DO LOVE YOUR ENTHUSIASM. 179 00:08:18,758 --> 00:08:21,805 YOU'RE LIKE A BREATH OF BLUE AIR. 180 00:08:21,935 --> 00:08:23,110 I'M AN ACTOR. WHEN I GET INTO A ROLE, 181 00:08:23,241 --> 00:08:24,634 I GET INTO A ROLE. 182 00:08:24,764 --> 00:08:26,984 SO IF I'M A BLUE BONNET, I'M BLUE BONNET ALL THE WAY. 183 00:08:27,114 --> 00:08:28,812 YEAH, YEAH. I CAN SEE THAT. 184 00:08:28,942 --> 00:08:30,291 OH, HEY, CAN I GIVE YOU MY MAIL? 185 00:08:30,422 --> 00:08:33,381 SAVE ME A TRIP TO THE POST OFFICE? 186 00:08:33,512 --> 00:08:34,644 YOU DONE? 187 00:08:34,774 --> 00:08:37,429 PROBABLY NOT, PAPA SMURF. 188 00:08:37,560 --> 00:08:38,343 ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE DONE. 189 00:08:38,473 --> 00:08:39,997 OKAY. 190 00:08:40,127 --> 00:08:43,304 ALL RIGHT, OUT OF 20. 191 00:08:43,435 --> 00:08:44,871 JUST WONDERING. 192 00:08:45,002 --> 00:08:47,352 DOES THAT GUY TAKING PHOTOS BOTHER YOU? 193 00:08:49,267 --> 00:08:51,182 IT SEEMS LIKE SUCH AN INVASION OF PRIVACY. 194 00:08:51,312 --> 00:08:54,185 AH, JUST PART OF THE GAME. 195 00:08:54,315 --> 00:08:56,317 ALL RIGHT, HERE YOU GO. 196 00:08:56,448 --> 00:08:59,843 THERE'S YOUR--YOUR MINT CHOCOLATE, RIGHT, OKAY? 197 00:08:59,973 --> 00:09:02,802 ATTABOY, COME ON. GIVE ME A HUG, YEAH. 198 00:09:02,933 --> 00:09:03,760 WHAT WAS THAT AGAIN? 199 00:09:03,890 --> 00:09:07,024 HEY, HE'S VERY FUNNY. 200 00:09:07,154 --> 00:09:08,721 ALL RIGHT, GIVE ME A HIGH FIVE. THERE YOU GO. 201 00:09:08,852 --> 00:09:11,594 TAKE A FREE BOX. HERE YOU GO. 202 00:09:11,724 --> 00:09:13,508 YOU ENJOY. YOU HAVE A NICE AFTERNOON. 203 00:09:13,639 --> 00:09:16,511 OKAY. 204 00:09:16,642 --> 00:09:17,817 DADDY, A BEE! 205 00:09:17,948 --> 00:09:19,166 - WHAT? WHAT? - OH! 206 00:09:19,297 --> 00:09:20,428 - GET IT! GET IT! - ALLERGIC! I'M ALLERGIC! 207 00:09:20,559 --> 00:09:21,386 OKAY, ALL RIGHT! 208 00:09:28,393 --> 00:09:30,525 DAVID HOBBS. OR, AS WE NOW CALL HIM, 209 00:09:30,656 --> 00:09:33,006 AMERICA'S ANGRIEST DAD EVER, 210 00:09:33,137 --> 00:09:35,139 IS AT IT AGAIN. 211 00:09:35,269 --> 00:09:38,055 WHAT'S WORSE THAN TAKING A LITTLE GIRL'S BOX OF COOKIES? 212 00:09:38,185 --> 00:09:39,970 BEATING HER WITH IT. 213 00:09:40,100 --> 00:09:43,016 SHAME ON YOU! THAT'S A DOUBLE MITCH-SLAP. 214 00:09:44,757 --> 00:09:48,935 TRUTH STINGS, DOESN'T IT, DADDY? 215 00:09:49,066 --> 00:09:50,807 DAVID, WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR A HALF AN HOUR. 216 00:09:50,937 --> 00:09:52,330 WHY DON'T WE JUST GO SOMEPLACE ELSE? 217 00:09:52,460 --> 00:09:53,940 NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT. 218 00:09:54,071 --> 00:09:55,638 LOOK, MARIO JUST DOESN'T KNOW THAT WE'RE HERE. 219 00:09:59,032 --> 00:10:02,427 YEAH, YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT. 220 00:10:02,557 --> 00:10:03,602 - DADDY? - MM? 221 00:10:03,733 --> 00:10:06,605 YOUR HAIR LOOKS GOOD IN THAT PICTURE. 222 00:10:06,736 --> 00:10:10,609 THAT'S NOT DAD. IT'S JOHN STAMOS. 223 00:10:10,740 --> 00:10:13,830 STAMOS! 224 00:10:13,960 --> 00:10:19,052 UH, RIGHT THIS WAY, MR. HOBBS. 225 00:10:19,183 --> 00:10:22,012 HEY, UH, MARIO, WHERE'S--WHERE'S MY PICTURE? 226 00:10:22,142 --> 00:10:23,404 AND WHAT HAPPENED TO MY TABLE? 227 00:10:23,535 --> 00:10:26,190 OH, UH, UM... THIS--THIS IS YOUR TABLE. 228 00:10:26,320 --> 00:10:30,716 I-I JUST MOVED IT, FROM OVER THERE TO OVER HERE. 229 00:10:30,847 --> 00:10:33,110 MORE PRIVACY FOR YOU. 230 00:10:33,240 --> 00:10:37,810 IT'S CLOSER TO THE KITCHEN. THE FOOD, IT COMES OUT HOTTER. 231 00:10:40,291 --> 00:10:41,596 UH-OH. 232 00:10:41,727 --> 00:10:43,033 - NO. - UGH. 233 00:10:43,163 --> 00:10:44,121 DON'T SAY IT. DON'T TELL ME MY SPECIAL'S 234 00:10:44,251 --> 00:10:46,471 OFF THE MENU. - OH, YEAH. 235 00:10:46,601 --> 00:10:50,780 IT LOOKS LIKE THEY SCRATCHED IT OFF WITH A KEY OR A KNIFE. 236 00:10:50,910 --> 00:10:53,086 OH, THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING. 237 00:10:53,217 --> 00:10:54,697 DAD, DON'T WORRY. I'M SURE EVERYTHING IS FINE. 238 00:10:56,611 --> 00:11:00,180 SIRI, WHO IS AMERICA'S NUMBER ONE TV DAD? 239 00:11:02,095 --> 00:11:04,750 FOR TEN YEARS, DAVID HOBBS HAS HELD THAT DISTINCTION. 240 00:11:04,881 --> 00:11:06,839 HOWEVER, DUE TO RECENT EVENTS... 241 00:11:06,970 --> 00:11:08,536 PLEASE TURN THAT OFF. 242 00:11:08,667 --> 00:11:09,973 DAD, DON'T GET SO ANGRY. 243 00:11:10,103 --> 00:11:11,714 I AM NOT ANGRY. 244 00:11:11,844 --> 00:11:14,891 THE NEAREST ANGER MANAGEMENT CENTER IS .5 MILES. 245 00:11:15,021 --> 00:11:17,197 AND WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT USING THAT DURING FAMILY TIME? 246 00:11:17,328 --> 00:11:18,459 I CAN MAKE YOU AN APPOINTMENT. 247 00:11:18,590 --> 00:11:19,722 YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT'S IT. 248 00:11:19,852 --> 00:11:20,723 I'M TAKING IT AWAY FROM YOU FOR A WEEK. 249 00:11:20,853 --> 00:11:22,594 - MOM! - DON'T "MOM." 250 00:11:22,725 --> 00:11:24,683 DIALING NOW. 251 00:11:24,814 --> 00:11:28,861 - ANGER MANAGEMENT CENTER. - MAKE IT STOP, HONEY. 252 00:11:28,992 --> 00:11:31,995 HE'LL CALL YOU BACK. OKAY, BYE. 253 00:11:41,134 --> 00:11:42,745 RESTORE DAVID'S RIGHTFUL PLACE 254 00:11:42,875 --> 00:11:44,964 AS AMERICA'S NUMBER ONE DAD, TAKE ONE. 255 00:11:49,926 --> 00:11:51,057 - NO! GET-- - GIVE ME THAT! 256 00:11:51,188 --> 00:11:52,537 OH! - STOP IT! 257 00:11:52,667 --> 00:11:55,061 DROP THAT PURSE, COWARD! 258 00:11:55,192 --> 00:11:56,933 DAMN IT! 259 00:11:57,063 --> 00:11:58,630 OH! OH. 260 00:11:58,761 --> 00:12:03,156 I'LL SAVE THAT BABY! 261 00:12:03,287 --> 00:12:04,418 GET BACK HERE, YOU! 262 00:12:04,549 --> 00:12:07,247 - OH! - THIEF! 263 00:12:13,384 --> 00:12:14,820 AND CUT! 264 00:12:14,951 --> 00:12:17,649 DID I LOOK HEROIC? 265 00:12:17,780 --> 00:12:19,259 THAT WAS GREAT. 266 00:12:19,390 --> 00:12:20,695 GREAT REHEARSAL. 267 00:12:20,826 --> 00:12:21,871 GOOD JOB. 268 00:12:22,001 --> 00:12:23,176 - WHOO-WHOO. - ALL RIGHT. 269 00:12:23,307 --> 00:12:25,875 MAN, WHEN WE FILM THIS ON LOCATION AND LEAK IT 270 00:12:26,005 --> 00:12:28,703 TO THE PRESS, YOUR IMAGE IS GONNA BE BACK ON TRACK. 271 00:12:28,834 --> 00:12:31,184 EXCELLENT. HEY, LISTEN, I-I AD-LIBBED "COWARD," 272 00:12:31,315 --> 00:12:32,490 BUT I THINK "DIRTBAG" MIGHT BE STRONGER. 273 00:12:32,620 --> 00:12:33,926 WHAT DO YOU THINK? 274 00:12:34,057 --> 00:12:35,928 A GREAT IDEA, DAVID. IT--I MUST HAVE READ YOUR MIND, 275 00:12:36,059 --> 00:12:38,539 BECAUSE I-I WROTE "DIRTBAG" IN THE SCRIPT. 276 00:12:38,670 --> 00:12:40,498 - OKAY. - WHAT-- 277 00:12:40,628 --> 00:12:42,326 THAT WAS VERY HEROIC, DAVID, 278 00:12:42,456 --> 00:12:43,457 UNTIL YOU KNOCKED THE BABY OUT THE DOOR. 279 00:12:43,588 --> 00:12:44,981 BUT, NO, STILL VERY HEROIC, 280 00:12:45,111 --> 00:12:48,332 'CAUSE IT'S NOT A REAL BABY, SO-- 281 00:12:48,462 --> 00:12:50,029 LISTEN, PEOPLE, THIS HAS GOT TO WORK, 282 00:12:50,160 --> 00:12:52,466 BECAUSE I'M--I'M STARTING TO LOSE THE PERKS OF BEING ME. 283 00:12:52,597 --> 00:12:55,165 AND WITHOUT MY PERKS I'M, YOU KNOW, JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE. 284 00:12:55,295 --> 00:12:56,514 I-I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THAT. 285 00:12:56,644 --> 00:12:58,081 ALL RIGHT, OKAY PEOPLE, 286 00:12:58,211 --> 00:13:00,126 LET'S REHEARSE IT ONE MORE TIME, PLEASE. 287 00:13:00,257 --> 00:13:01,693 BACK TO ONE. LET'S DO THIS. 288 00:13:03,826 --> 00:13:05,958 OH, HANG ON, HANG ON. 289 00:13:06,089 --> 00:13:07,133 YEAH, HANG ON. PHONE. 290 00:13:07,264 --> 00:13:08,961 HELLO? 291 00:13:10,745 --> 00:13:13,836 EMILY, IT'S FOR YOU! AGAIN! PICK IT UP. 292 00:13:13,966 --> 00:13:16,926 I'M DOING HOMEWORK, DAD. COULD YOU TAKE A MESSAGE? 293 00:13:17,056 --> 00:13:19,189 THIS HAS BEEN GOING ON ALL DAY. 294 00:13:19,319 --> 00:13:25,195 JUST TELL HER LISA CALLED. 295 00:13:25,325 --> 00:13:27,240 WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 296 00:13:27,371 --> 00:13:29,460 I'M USING MARY'S PHONE TO GET MY PHONE BACK. 297 00:13:29,590 --> 00:13:33,507 I AM THIS CLOSE TO DRIVING DAD TO THE EDGE. 298 00:13:33,638 --> 00:13:35,988 TAKE NOTE. YOU'LL BE DOING IT SOMEDAY. 299 00:13:36,119 --> 00:13:37,642 CAN I TRY? 300 00:13:37,772 --> 00:13:39,339 HI, DADDY. 301 00:13:39,470 --> 00:13:44,301 THIS ISN'T JANIE. 302 00:13:44,431 --> 00:13:49,132 WRONG, AND WAY TOO CREEPY. 303 00:13:51,917 --> 00:13:55,007 THIS IS BRENDA FOR EMILY. 304 00:13:55,138 --> 00:13:58,706 AND THAT'S NOT CREEPY? 305 00:13:58,837 --> 00:14:03,537 - EMILY! - STILL DOING HOMEWORK. 306 00:14:03,668 --> 00:14:05,278 - ALL RIGHT, YOU READY, DAVID? - OH, YES. 307 00:14:05,409 --> 00:14:07,672 YES, LET'S GO. - ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO THIS. 308 00:14:07,802 --> 00:14:11,110 AND, ACTION! 309 00:14:12,590 --> 00:14:14,113 - CUT! - HANG ON. 310 00:14:14,244 --> 00:14:15,375 THAT WAS GOOD. GOOD TILL THE END, GOOD TILL THERE. 311 00:14:15,506 --> 00:14:16,681 HANG ON A SECOND. 312 00:14:18,291 --> 00:14:20,598 YEAH, LOOK, TALK TO HER AT SCHOOL, PLE-- 313 00:14:20,728 --> 00:14:23,427 OH, HI, MRS. BROOKS. 314 00:14:23,557 --> 00:14:25,646 MIS--NO, MRS. BROOKS. 315 00:14:25,777 --> 00:14:26,909 YOU--YOU CAN'T BELIEVE 316 00:14:27,039 --> 00:14:31,565 EVERYTHING YOU READ IN THE TABLOIDS. 317 00:14:31,696 --> 00:14:32,915 OKAY, FINE. 318 00:14:33,045 --> 00:14:34,481 IF THAT'S THE WAY YOU FEEL, I UNDERSTAND. 319 00:14:34,612 --> 00:14:36,962 ALL RIGHT, GOOD-BYE. 320 00:14:37,093 --> 00:14:38,311 JANIE'S PLAYDATE JUST CANCELED. 321 00:14:38,442 --> 00:14:41,575 THAT'S WHY WE'RE GETTING OUT IN FRONT OF THIS, MAN. 322 00:14:41,706 --> 00:14:43,490 RUN, JOE, RUN! 323 00:14:43,621 --> 00:14:46,276 AND PICK ON SOMEONE YOUR OWN SIZE, YOU BUNCH OF BULLIES! 324 00:14:49,757 --> 00:14:51,281 WHAT HAPPENED? 325 00:14:51,411 --> 00:14:52,978 JOE WAS GETTING AMBUSHED ON THE FRONT LAWN, 326 00:14:53,109 --> 00:14:55,459 AND I HAD TO JUMP IN AND SAVE HIM. 327 00:14:55,589 --> 00:14:57,069 THE OLDER KIDS PICKING ON YOU, JOE? 328 00:14:57,200 --> 00:15:03,032 NO. IT WAS THE BLUE BONNETS. 329 00:15:03,162 --> 00:15:04,424 THEY'RE TOUGH, DAVID. 330 00:15:04,555 --> 00:15:06,513 I HAD FOUR OF THEM JUST CLAWING ON TO ME 331 00:15:06,644 --> 00:15:09,081 LIKE A BUNCH OF ANGRY KOALA BEARS, JUST-- 332 00:15:09,212 --> 00:15:10,256 YEAH. 333 00:15:10,387 --> 00:15:12,432 THEY YELLED, "REVENGE!" 334 00:15:12,563 --> 00:15:17,002 AND THEN THEY STARTED STUFFING COOKIES DOWN MY PANTS. 335 00:15:17,133 --> 00:15:19,004 IS--IS THIS ABOUT THE BEE THING? 336 00:15:19,135 --> 00:15:20,571 YEAH. BUT THE JOKE'S ON THEM. 337 00:15:20,701 --> 00:15:22,442 I LOVE WARM COOKIES. 338 00:15:25,793 --> 00:15:28,840 DADDY, WHEN'S MY FRIEND MOLLY COMING OVER? 339 00:15:28,971 --> 00:15:33,279 OH, UM, MOLLY'S MOM JUST CANCELED THE PLAYDATE. 340 00:15:33,410 --> 00:15:36,935 WHY, DID I DO SOMETHING WRONG? 341 00:15:39,068 --> 00:15:40,330 NO. 342 00:15:40,460 --> 00:15:44,203 NO, YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING, HONEY. 343 00:15:44,334 --> 00:15:45,552 MARCUS, THIS PRODUCTION IS OVER. 344 00:15:45,683 --> 00:15:47,772 LOOK, MY KIDS ARE STARTING TO GET HURT NOW, OKAY? 345 00:15:47,902 --> 00:15:50,427 NO MORE GAMES. I GOTTA PUT A STOP TO THIS. 346 00:15:50,557 --> 00:15:52,255 AND, JOE, A QUICK LIFE LESSON. 347 00:15:52,385 --> 00:15:53,778 DON'T EAT COOKIES OUT OF YOUR UNDERWEAR. 348 00:15:53,908 --> 00:15:58,870 GOT IT. STARTING NOW. 349 00:15:59,001 --> 00:16:00,045 - DAD. - THANK YOU. YES? 350 00:16:00,176 --> 00:16:01,960 THE PHOTOGRAPHER GUY'S HERE AGAIN. 351 00:16:02,091 --> 00:16:03,483 I KNOW THAT, JOE. THAT'S WHY WE'RE HERE. 352 00:16:03,614 --> 00:16:05,833 AS SOON AS MOM SHOWS UP, I'M GONNA TAKE CARE OF HIM. 353 00:16:05,964 --> 00:16:07,400 WHY DO YOU NEED MOMMY? 354 00:16:07,531 --> 00:16:09,054 WELL, BECAUSE MOMMY IS LEVEL-HEADED, 355 00:16:09,185 --> 00:16:11,491 AND SHE WON'T LET THINGS GET OUT OF CONTROL. 356 00:16:11,622 --> 00:16:14,929 HOW DARE YOU! YOU PAPARAZZI BOTTOM-FEEDERS! 357 00:16:15,060 --> 00:16:17,106 DO YOU VULTURES HAVE ANY IDEA OF THE HEARTACHE 358 00:16:17,236 --> 00:16:18,585 YOU CAUSE WITH YOUR LIES? 359 00:16:18,716 --> 00:16:21,327 MY HUSBAND? HE'S A GOOD, GOOD MAN, OKAY? 360 00:16:21,458 --> 00:16:25,679 AND YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED! 361 00:16:25,810 --> 00:16:27,551 PLEASE DON'T HURT ME. 362 00:16:27,681 --> 00:16:29,553 I WAS JUST TAKING A PICTURE OF MY PARENTS. 363 00:16:35,298 --> 00:16:36,690 WE'RE VISITING FROM MINNESOTA. 364 00:16:39,171 --> 00:16:41,173 THEY'VE GOT A STAMOS SPECIAL. 365 00:16:41,304 --> 00:16:45,003 VEAL, LEMON, CAPERS. 366 00:16:45,134 --> 00:16:48,180 THAT'S PICCATA. WHAT'S SO SPECIAL ABOUT THAT? 367 00:16:48,311 --> 00:16:52,054 MM, STAMOS. 368 00:16:58,234 --> 00:17:00,453 HELLO? 369 00:17:00,584 --> 00:17:03,282 HELLO, MARY. 370 00:17:03,413 --> 00:17:05,328 SHE WANTS TO KNOW WHAT YOU'RE WEARING TO SCHOOL TOMORROW. 371 00:17:05,458 --> 00:17:08,287 TELL HER MY YELLOW BLOUSE WITH THE FRINGE. 372 00:17:08,418 --> 00:17:09,680 N-NO, TELL HER 373 00:17:09,810 --> 00:17:11,595 THE BABY BLUE LONG SLEEVE WITH THE SPARKLY-- 374 00:17:11,725 --> 00:17:12,683 MARY? MARY? SHE WILL CALL YOU BACK. 375 00:17:12,813 --> 00:17:16,426 GOOD-BYE. 376 00:17:16,556 --> 00:17:18,689 EMILY, I'M GIVING THIS BACK TO YOU. 377 00:17:18,819 --> 00:17:21,605 ONLY BECAUSE I THINK THAT YOU'VE LEARNED YOUR LESSON, OKAY? 378 00:17:21,735 --> 00:17:23,520 - ABSOLUTELY. LESSON LEARNED. - ALL RIGHT. 379 00:17:23,650 --> 00:17:27,001 HONEY? I'M THINKING WE SHOULD TAKE THE FOOD TO GO. 380 00:17:27,132 --> 00:17:28,177 - WHAT? - OUT THE BACK. 381 00:17:28,307 --> 00:17:29,482 GOOD IDEA. 382 00:17:29,613 --> 00:17:31,441 YEAH, THEY DON'T EVEN BRING US BREAD ANYMORE. 383 00:17:31,571 --> 00:17:33,617 - THEY TREAT US LIKE POO. - WAIT, WAIT A MINUTE. 384 00:17:33,747 --> 00:17:35,271 WAIT. WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING? 385 00:17:35,401 --> 00:17:37,229 LOOK, IF I CAN TEACH YOU ANYTHING, 386 00:17:37,360 --> 00:17:39,275 IT'S TO STAND UP FOR YOURSELF, OKAY? 387 00:17:39,405 --> 00:17:40,493 NOW, SIT DOWN. 388 00:17:43,279 --> 00:17:45,150 'CAUSE IT'S TIME TO STAND UP. 389 00:17:45,281 --> 00:17:48,458 NO, REALLY, JUST SIT DOWN. 390 00:17:48,588 --> 00:17:49,850 I'M GONNA STAND UP FOR YOU GUYS. 391 00:17:49,981 --> 00:17:53,332 I'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 392 00:17:53,463 --> 00:17:55,813 IT'S AMERICA'S ANGRIEST DAD! 393 00:17:55,943 --> 00:17:56,857 DON'T HURT ME. 394 00:17:56,988 --> 00:17:58,555 OH, WAIT, I FORGOT. 395 00:17:58,685 --> 00:17:59,991 I'M NOT A CHILD, SO I MUST BE SAFE. 396 00:18:00,122 --> 00:18:02,167 THAT'S VERY FUNNY. 397 00:18:02,298 --> 00:18:05,344 LISTEN, I-I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU WANT TO TAKE SHOTS AT ME. 398 00:18:05,475 --> 00:18:07,041 THAT'S FINE. THAT'S PART OF OUR GAME, 399 00:18:07,172 --> 00:18:08,652 AND I CAN TAKE IT. 400 00:18:08,782 --> 00:18:12,351 BUT WHEN IT STARTS AFFECTING MY KIDS... 401 00:18:12,482 --> 00:18:13,787 WE GOT A PROBLEM. 402 00:18:13,918 --> 00:18:16,355 LOOK, WE BOTH KNOW HOW THIS WORKS. 403 00:18:16,486 --> 00:18:18,923 IF I WANTED TO TAKE WHOLESOME AND SWEET PICTURES 404 00:18:19,053 --> 00:18:20,968 OF YOU AND YOUR FAMILY, I'D WORK AT THE MALL. 405 00:18:21,099 --> 00:18:22,970 AND I'D BE POOR. 406 00:18:23,101 --> 00:18:25,625 BUT MANIPULATING SHOTS TO MAKE YOU LOOK LIKE 407 00:18:25,756 --> 00:18:29,368 THE WORST PARENT EVER ALLOWS ME TO DRIVE A MASERATI 408 00:18:29,499 --> 00:18:30,804 AND DATE A MODEL... 409 00:18:30,935 --> 00:18:34,417 SLASH-ACTRESS. 410 00:18:34,547 --> 00:18:38,899 NOT BAD FOR A GUY FROM JERSEY, RIGHT? 411 00:18:39,030 --> 00:18:41,989 YOU GOTTA GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT. 412 00:18:42,120 --> 00:18:47,386 ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS SMILE AND SAY "CHEESE," MY FRIEND. 413 00:18:47,517 --> 00:18:49,562 MM-HMM-HMM. 414 00:19:06,144 --> 00:19:07,101 OH! - HANG ON, ONE MORE HIT. 415 00:19:07,232 --> 00:19:08,407 OH! 416 00:19:08,538 --> 00:19:11,280 YOU OKAY? ALL RIGHT, JUST HAVE A SEAT. 417 00:19:11,410 --> 00:19:12,324 CATCH YOUR BREATH, THERE YOU GO. 418 00:19:12,455 --> 00:19:13,543 HE'S OKAY, EVERYBODY. - WHOO! 419 00:19:13,673 --> 00:19:15,414 - RIGHT, RIGHT, MITCH? - ALL RIGHT, YES! 420 00:19:15,545 --> 00:19:18,504 YAY! ALL RIGHT, YES! 421 00:19:18,635 --> 00:19:20,593 - THANK YOU. - MARIO! 422 00:19:20,724 --> 00:19:21,638 YOU MIGHT WANT TO PUT MY HUSBAND'S HEAD SHOT 423 00:19:21,768 --> 00:19:22,813 BACK UP ON THAT WALL. 424 00:19:22,943 --> 00:19:25,729 I DON'T SEE STAMOS HERE SAVING LIVES. 425 00:19:25,859 --> 00:19:27,513 I WAS JUST ENJOYING MY DINNER 426 00:19:27,644 --> 00:19:31,082 WHEN OUT OF NOWHERE MR. HOBBS ATTACKED ME. 427 00:19:32,649 --> 00:19:35,478 IT WAS BLOODY DREADFUL. 428 00:19:35,608 --> 00:19:38,002 THIS IS AMAZING. I-I CAN'T WIN WITH THIS GUY. 429 00:19:38,132 --> 00:19:40,483 ALL RIGHT, HE'S TRYING TO MAKE ME LOOK BAD FOR SAVING HIS LIFE. 430 00:19:40,613 --> 00:19:43,225 DAD, DON'T WORRY. KARMA'S A MITCH. 431 00:19:43,355 --> 00:19:45,096 LOOK, WE BOTH KNOW HOW THIS WORKS. 432 00:19:45,227 --> 00:19:46,402 IF I WANTED TO TAKE 433 00:19:46,532 --> 00:19:48,317 SWEET AND WHOLESOME PICTURES 434 00:19:48,447 --> 00:19:50,144 OF YOU AND YOUR FAMILY, I'D WORK AT THE MALL. 435 00:19:50,275 --> 00:19:52,146 AND I'D BE POOR. 436 00:19:52,277 --> 00:19:54,627 BUT MANIPULATING SHOTS TO MAKE YOU LOOK LIKE 437 00:19:54,758 --> 00:19:58,240 THE WORST PARENT EVER ALLOWS ME TO DRIVE A MASERATI 438 00:19:58,370 --> 00:20:01,243 AND DATE A MODEL. - YOU RECORDED THAT? 439 00:20:01,373 --> 00:20:02,635 YEAH. AND, THANKS TO MY PHONE, 440 00:20:02,766 --> 00:20:04,463 IT'S ALREADY UPLOADED AND TRENDING. 441 00:20:04,594 --> 00:20:07,205 OH! YES! I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, 442 00:20:07,336 --> 00:20:09,990 BUT THANK YOU SO MUCH. 443 00:20:10,121 --> 00:20:11,253 SEE, I KNEW I DID THE RIGHT THING 444 00:20:11,383 --> 00:20:12,993 BUYING YOU THAT PHONE, HONEY. RIGHT? 445 00:20:14,734 --> 00:20:16,562 AMY HOBBS SEEMS TO BE ANGRY ALL THE DAYS. 446 00:20:16,693 --> 00:20:18,347 THAT'S RIGHT, MS. HOBBS. 447 00:20:18,477 --> 00:20:20,914 YOU'VE BEEN MITCH-SLAPPED. 448 00:20:21,045 --> 00:20:24,266 - I'M SORRY. - FOR WHAT? 449 00:20:24,396 --> 00:20:25,702 DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS? 450 00:20:25,832 --> 00:20:29,749 OH, I MATTER! 451 00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:31,098 I'LL BE RIGHT BACK. - WHAT? 452 00:20:31,229 --> 00:20:32,491 WHERE ARE YOU GOING? 453 00:20:32,622 --> 00:20:34,319 I'M GONNA STRIKE WHILE THE IRON'S HOT, BABY. 454 00:20:34,450 --> 00:20:37,017 I'M GONNA GO KICK A PUPPY AT THE MALL. 455 00:20:37,148 --> 00:20:38,671 SIT DOWN, HONEY. COME ON. 456 00:20:38,802 --> 00:20:40,325 THEY'RE GONNA TALK ABOUT ME IN A MINUTE. 30831

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