Original subtitles

[BUGLE PLAYS "CHARGE"]

♪ The end of the Civil War Was near ♪

♪ When quite accidentally ♪

♪ A hero who sneezed ♪

♪ Abruptly seized ♪

♪ Retreat and reversed it To victory ♪

♪ His Medal of Honor ♪

♪ Pleased and thrilled ♪

♪ His proud little Family group ♪

♪ While pinning it on Some blood was spilled ♪

♪ And so it was planned ♪

♪ He'd command ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

♪ Where Indian fights ♪

♪ Are colorful sights ♪

♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪

♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪

♪ Both turn chicken ♪

♪ When drilling and fighting Get them down ♪

♪ They know their morale Can't droop ♪

♪ As long as they all Relax in town ♪

♪ Before they resume With a bang and a boom ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

[PLAYING DRUMROLL]

Now, until I finish a full

and penetrating investigation

of this shocking breach of conduct,

and make my report to the inspector general,

you, sergeant, wi... You, soldier,

will remain in the guardhouse.

Corporal Agarn, for the time being,

you'll take over the ex-sergeant's duties.

But, captain, I... No "buts," corporal.

But, sir, I... That's an order, corporal.

To think you would betray the trust I had in you

for a mere $100.

Troop, about face.

Corporal, take the prisoner to the guard house.

[♪♪♪]

PARMENTER: Dear Inspector General, reluctantly I must report

to you a serious infringement of the articles of war

here at Fort Courage.

[SNEEZES]

Therefore, I will outline the facts as I know them.

On the morning of the 11th,

the "Reveille" formation was being held

in the normal manner.

All right, look alive. Here comes your captain.

Everything was going smoothly.

F Troop all present and accounted for, sir.

Very good, sergeant. At ease.

I'm going to have a little talk with the men.

Now, men, hear this.

There have been too many of you

reporting for sick call.

We're running a military post here

not a clinic for imaginary ills.

Now, If you're sick, It's all right.

No, well, no... I-I don't mean it's all right if you're sick.

I meant it's all right to, uh, report for s-sick call.

But not if you're not sick.

[MEN LAUGHING]

Well, in closing... Charge!

[YELLS]

Who said that?

[LAUGHING]

Sergeant, corporal, get that man out of that uniform

and off this post.

Yeah, right away, sir. Come on.

And when you sober him up, tell him this,

I've been very tolerant of him in the past,

but if he shows up in that condition again,

town drunk or no town drunk, he goes to jail.

Right, captain. Yes, sir.

Attention.

Dismissed.

PARMENTER: At the time, I thought little of the incident.

I considered it to be merely one of those little annoyances

which happen to all commanding officers from time to time.

However, from what I've since learned,

that moment was the beginning of the entire shocking affair.

And ex-sergeant O'Rourke's statement indicated

that the entire idea was his and his alone,

and that no one else had any part in it.

[SLURRED] Sergeant, would you do me a favor?

Like what? Have me shot at sunrise.

Shot at sun... What are you talking about?

Oh, my daughter Cindy.

She's been going to school back in the east.

So your daughter has been going to school in the east.

You want to be shot at sunrise.

Her grades are that bad?

Oh, no. She's on her way to San Francisco

to be a school marm. And she's passing through here

on tomorrow's stage to see me.

So?

Well, now she's gonna find out that I've been lyin' to her

in the letter. Lyin'?

Oh, I didn't want her to know I was the town drunkard.

I wanted her to be proud of me.

So I told her I was with F Troop.

Charlie, how could you make up a lie like that?

Oh, when I'm drinking, it's real easy.

Now, wait a minute,

your daughter's only gonna be here for one day, right?

Well, that's...

All right, your worries are over. Now forget about it.

I'll get you a private's uniform,

and for one day, you'll be a member of F Troop.

Oh, no, no, that's not gonna be as easy as that.

I am just not a private in F Troop.

Corporal?

Sergeant?

Ah.

"And, Daddy dear,

"I just can't wait to see you all dressed up

"in your c-c-captain's uniform,

reviewing your troops."

You told her you were the commanding officer

at Fort Courage?

I didn't think she'd ever be coming out here.

What am I gonna do?

[WEEPS]

Well, you had the right idea in the fist place, Charlie Boy.

I'll have you shot at sunrise.

Sarge, Charlie may just be the town drunk,

but he's the only one we got.

And we... We gotta help him. You wanna dress that

in a captain's uniform and try to pass it off

for the real thing in front of his daughter? Ho-ho.

Sarge, that's a wonderful idea.

Then he could review the troops

in front of his dear, little daughter.

And what are we gonna tell the captain?

Would you tell me that?

Impersonating an officer, a very serious charge.

You could do it, sarge.

Sure wouldn't be easy, though.

Ah, it would be a cinch if I put my mind to it.

You're all heart, sarge.

Wait a minute. I said it would be a cinch,

I didn't say I was gonna do it.

Why not?

When O'Rourke goes into action,

there has got to be something in it for O'Rourke.

Hey, that reminds me, I better check the cash box.

Bet him 100 he can't do it.

Can't do what? Shh-shh-shh!

I'll give you the money.

Bet him he can't fool the captain

and let Charlie review the troops.

Hey, uh, sarge.

What?

I think you're backing out

on helping Charlie because, uh, this is one thing

you're afraid you can't put over on the captain.

There ain't nothing I can't put over on the captain.

Yeah?

I got a $100 says this is one thing you can't.

All right, you're on. You got yourself a bet.

Move it.

Wild Eagle?

Welcome, brothers.

Look, chief, we, uh... We got a little problem here.

Thought maybe your medicine man could help us out.

Him not help nobody, lie down in tepee.

What's the matter with him?

He celebrate Festival of Free Sprit last night.

What's that? Squaw went to visit

relatives for two weeks.

He keep whole tribe awake dancing, dancing, more dancing.

Then drink much fire water.

Better he should have dance all night.

Lot of help he's gonna be.

You try hair of dog?

Why, I don't mind if I do!

AGARN: Shut up.

O'ROURKE: Be quiet back there.

No more booze.

What booze? This real hair of real dog.

Maybe call on spirit of water.

Now, what good would that be?

Spirit of forest?

Look, Crazy Cat... Spirit of fire?

If that's the best you gotta suggest...

WILD EAGLE: Wait!

For once, Crazy Cat make sense.

Spirit of water hold head under waterfall.

Spirit of forest,

walk through woods until he can stand on feet.

Spirit of fire, put fire under coffee, get hot, go down throat.

Now, why didn't we think of that?

Yeah, that's make some kind of sense, don't it?

WILD EAGLE: Have wise, old Indian saying...

Him not wise, but him plenty old.

You stop talk, or you never get old!

PARMENTER: On the afternoon of the 12th, Sergeant O'Rourke,

through flattery, which I recognized immediately...

made a futile attempt to deceive me.

Naturally, I saw through the rather childish scheme.

Well, Corporal Agarn and me here is worried, sir.

I mean, if you was to be called away on an emergency,

would the men just crack up, go to pieces,

without the brilliant leadership of the old man.

Oh. Oh, oh, yeah. Well, yes.

I don't think they'd do a thing like that, sergeant.

Ah, but there is the possibility, sir.

And we think it's important enough to give it a test.

Well, what kind of a test?

Yeah, sarge, what kind of test?

Well, uh, sir, I was thinking of telling the men tomorrow

that you're, uh, off on a special assignment

for the whole day,

when, on actual fact, you will be fishing.

If I may say so, sir, enjoying a well-deserved rest.

That's an excellent idea, sergeant.

We will do it the first of next week.

Sir, what's wrong with tomorrow?

Well, I have my schedule all filled out for tomorrow.

A good officer sets his schedule and then sticks to it.

Yeah, yeah, but... But... But, sir.

We'll do it the first of next week, sergeant.

But... But, captain... The first of next week.

Oh, uh, sergeant, as a reward for your wonderful suggestion,

you and the corporal are invited to the fish fry.

Fish fry nothing.

It'll be a kettle of fish, and we'll be in it.

Oh, stop worrying, will ya?

Charlie's daughter don't get here 'till noon tomorrow.

Yeah, I can see her now.

Pretty little thing, blonde hair, red eyes.

Red eyes?

From crying.

When she finds out her beloved, lying father

ain't a captain, just a town drunk.

Agarn? What?

Say that to me again.

What? That her father ain't a captain, just a town drunk.

That's it. You have just given me a great idea.

Come on.

PARMENTER: According to our company bugler, Private Dobbs,

the sergeant, through a misrepresentation of the truth,

induced him to become an unwilling accomplice

in this scheme.

Dobbs, I might add, is confined to the post

for a period of one month.

According to Dobbs, I was quoted as having said:

He said if Dobbs blows one clinker on that bugle tomorrow,

he is through.

Captain said that?

Eh, well, don't worry about it, Dobbs.

I mean, it's not the end.

Just probably get transferred to another post.

But, sarge, I like it here.

I found me a home at Fort Courage.

Ah, never work.

Ah! But it might.

It's too big a risk for Dobbs to take.

Well, come on, sergeant, what have I got to lose anyways?

Brave lad. What risks, sarge?

Well, now, of course,

if the captain didn't show up for retreat,

then everything would be all right...

Yeah. But how you gonna fix up a thing like that?

Son...

are you sure you want to go through with this?

Sergeant, you just tell me what you got on your mind.

PARMENTER: I learned later that the sergeant actually was a witness

to the entire distressing episode.

Now that we got his lunch on court,

let's go find somebody to pour his dinner.

There is also some evidence that the sergeant enlisted

the help of a civilian female to carry out his plans.

However, after a careful study of the facts,

I tend to believe she was merely

the sergeant's innocent dupe.

I tell you Wrangler, we're gonna lose Captain Parmenter

if we don't all three stick together.

If he meets that stage tomorrow, he's a goner. Right!

But who is she?

His childhood sweetheart, that's who.

AGARN: And her letters are perfumed, all 50 of them.

O'ROURKE: Yeah, I wish I had a dollar for every time

I've heard the captain mention her name.

"Hyacinth, Hyacinth."

I tell you, if they get together even for a few minutes,

He's a goner, Wrangler. She has got everything.

She's beautiful, she's intelligent.

She's a society girl. I mean, they're made for each other.

I don't care if they was cut from the same slab of hogback.

Wilton likes it here.

Ah, but you forget the bond of childhood love.

Their first kiss.

Ah, but not their last.

I'll reckon it's gonna be.

All right, sergeant, you just tell me what you got in mind.

Here's my real treat, this is juniper berry juice.

Oh!

I know, that's very strange, It tastes just like this, uh, uh...

Well, whatever it was that Dobbs served for lunch.

I have not been able to determine what it was

that induced the illness,

But one could assume that it was some little known liquid.

Perhaps of Indian origin.

It caused the blurring of vision

and the noticeable unsteadiness of the hand.

Good work, Wrangler.

Don't worry about a thing, we're gonna take care of him.

Well, where you gonna take him?

Don't worry, Wrangler. We'll keep him sick

until Charlie's daughter... Hey!

Until Hyacinth is miles and miles out of town.

Hyacinth, Hyacinth. All right, let's go.

All right, that's it.

Well, this time old Jim boy turns to me and says,

"Duffy," he says, "you're the only mortal soul

who can save him."

Duffy, shut up and pin, will you?

That stage is due here in less than an hour.

Ouch!

You stabbed me.

That hurt.

You think that hurt, huh?

Well, I'm gonna tell you something, you're gonna get hurt

if I catch you taking a drink before your daughter gets here.

Can I have just one, O'Rourke? To sort of settle me.

No. Agarn, you stick right with him

and make sure he don't get no booze.

Right, sarge.

I'll go see how our patient is.

No, no, it's all right, nurse,

I-I assure you I won't tire the patient.

Oh, well. Nurse?

Nurse!

Oh, nurse?

Sergeant, where am I?

I knew you'd want to know.

You were unconscious when we brought you in.

I was?

Yes.

Oh, something strange is going on here.

I was a having a bite of supper with Janey.

Yes, I know, sir,

it's called the sagebrush shakes, sir.

You... You passed out, and Agarn and I

have to drive the buckboard all night to get you here.

[SLURRED] Here? Here is wh-where exactly?

Here... Well, it's the hospital, sir.

Yes, I can see that, sergeant, but where is it?

Dodge City, sir.

Oh, did the doctor leave your medicine?

Oh, here we are, yes, yes. Uh...

"One large glass, morning, noon and night."

Wh... S-sergeant, I-I didn't see any doctor.

Well, that's because you were delirious at the time, sir.

Yes, here we are.

There we go.

Ugh!

That's strange,

that tastes just like that juniper berry juice of Janey's.

Yeah, well, that's part of the illness, sir.

I mean, your senses can't always be relied upon.

What is it called? The what?

Sagebrush shakes, sir. But don't worry about a thing.

We're out of the worst of it.

Yes, we'll have you outta here in no time at all.

Just drink your medicine.

Sergeant,

I think I'm beginning to have a relapse.

That's fine, fine.

Yes.

Oh, sometimes, I think I could learn to hate myself.

Ah.

Captain like his little white room?

Ah, sleeping like a baby.

You got that $100 ready?

The day ain't over yet.

Oh, well.

Hey!

[SNORING]

Sarge, he got away.

He found the captain's bay rum.

What're we gonna do?

I'll tell you what we're gonna do.

We're gonna put him to the spirit of water,

the spirit of fire and the spirit of forest all over again,

and then we're gonna meet the stage.

Now, come on. Shoot, give me a hand.

PARMENTER: Confident in the outcome, the sergeant actually met

the impostor's daughter and lead her to believe

that her father was the dear inspector general...

Oh.

That her father was the commanding officer

of Fort Courage.

Whoa.

Miss Charles? Yes.

Well, Captain Charles, he couldn't meet stage, ma'am.

I'm, uh... I'm Sergeant O'Rourke, and this here is Corporal Agarn,

and he sent us, well,

to kind of be his representatives, as it were.

Well, my father's all right?

Oh, just right as rain, ma'am.

Yes, ma'am.

He's checking up on a couple of Indian matters.

Well, I hope he'll be back soon.

You see, I have to take the next stage out of town, this evening.

Well, don't you worry about a thing, ma'am.

The captain will be at retreat no matter what.

[BANGING]

I rose from bed, and walked briskly out into the street

determined to get to the bottom of the mess.

Oh, my goodness, sergeant. Who's that?

Yeah, well, tha-that's our town drunk, ma'am.

I hope someone will take care of him.

Yeah, me too.

Agarn, why don't you show

Miss Charles around the fort, huh?

Right. Ma'am.

Oh, oh!

Hey. Sir.

Your hat, sir.

S-s-sergeant, what's going on here?

And why did you tell me I was in Dodge City

when all the time I was right here in town

in the back of the saloon.

Well, now, the... The fact is, sir...

The fact is, sergeant, that you told a lie, and I can prove it.

That saloon isn't in Dodge City. Anybody can see that.

Yeah, well, I can see that. Now that you mention it, sir.

Sergeant, I want the truth. The plain, unvarnished truth.

Well, the truth is, sir,

that Charlie the town drunk, you see...

And that's the whole story, sir.

That is the most incredible thing I've ever heard of.

Sergeant, I'm returning to the fort.

Report to me in my quarters immediately.

Yes, sir.

[PLAYING BUGLE OFF-KEY]

Present arms!

Captain.

PARMENTER: Now, fully aware of this attempt to deceive me,

I took the proper steps

to protect the reputation of the fort and of the troop.

You got a button missing there, private.

Sorry, sir.

Get it back on there, soldier. That is an order.

Yes, sir.

CHARLIE: Corporal.

AGARN: Sir. Dismiss the troop.

Order, arms!

Troop dismissed!

PARMENTER: I confess a certain gladness

that Miss Charles never learned of the deception.

But more important to me was the knowledge

that Fort Courage was back to normal again.

Something wrong, corporal?

Oh, sir, bust me, take my stripes.

I'm as guilty as he is.

I find that hard to believe, corporal.

Oh, captain, I can't stand it. I demand to be punished.

Sergeant O'Rourke's own confession specifically states

that he and he alone conceived this entire plot

in an effort to win a $100 bet.

Now, that sort of, leaves you out of it, doesn't it?

But, captain, I put him up to it.

I loaned the bartender the $100.

But that doesn't alter the fact that Sergeant O'Rourke

committed this... This...

Oh, words just can't describe how I feel, corporal.

To lie and to cheat like that, and for what?

For a mere $100, which I might add,

I am confiscating for the enlisted men's fund.

But, sir, you can't do that.

I can and I will.

Oh, but, captain... No "buts," corporal.

I will not permit Private O'Rourke to profit

in any way from this underhanded scheme.

Captain, he ain't got it.

Oh, didn't the bartender pay him?

Well, sure, but the sarge gave the money to Charlie

so his daughter would have money

to buy school books for the kids.

Are you sure about that?

Yes, captain, and he also told Charlie not one cent for booze,

or he'd run him out of town.

Well, corporal, don't just stand there.

The sergeant's paid his penalty.

Captain, you're all heart, sir.

PARMENTER: Dear Inspector General, all is well at Fort Courage.

Wilton?

Howdy, ready for our picnic?

Well, now only if you'll give me your word

that there won't be any of that juniper berry juice in anything.

Oh, no, I'm plenty sorry about that...

Oh, no, no, no. I understand, and you're forgiven.

Only don't let it happen again.

Well, you know at least one good thing

came out of this entire affair.

I understand Charlie hasn't been seen

in the saloon for weeks.

I'd be obliged to you for some of that spirit of fire

I've been drinking lately.

One coffee coming up.

Hey, that's the ticket, Charlie.

You stick with that, and you won't be tangling

with them swingin' doors no more.

I aim too. Thank you.

And I want to thank you two gentlemen

for all the good you done for me.

Ah, forget it.

I can't, and I won't.

It was plum wondrous.

Oh, come on, Charlie, you're embarrassing the sarge.

Anyway, I thank you. And so long.

Just mark that down with the rest of it.

Gentlemen.

Sarge, he fell down anyway.

Well, of course, he ain't had enough practice being sober.

Come on.

[♪♪♪]