Original subtitles

♪ The end of the Civil War Was near ♪

♪ When quite accidentally ♪

♪ A hero who sneezed Abruptly seized ♪

♪ Retreat And reversed it to victory ♪

♪ His Medal of Honor Pleased and thrilled ♪

♪ His proud little Family group ♪

♪ While pinning it on Some blood was spilled ♪

♪ And so it was planned He'd command ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

♪ Where Indian fights Are colorful sights ♪

♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪

♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪

♪ Both turn chicken ♪

♪ When drilling and fighting Get them down ♪

♪ They know their morale Can't droop ♪

♪ As long as they all Relax in town ♪

♪ Before they resume With a bang and a boom ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

There's a rider approaching.

Open the gate.

Major Duncan from Territory Headquarters.

What do you think he's up to? I don't know,

but he usually brings a saddlebag full of trouble.

Major Duncan.

It's nice to see you again, sir.

Nice to see you again, Parmenter.

Uh... what brings you our way this time, major?

Captain, I got a saddlebag full of trouble.

Oh?

Actually, I'm here on a...

special assignment from headquarters.

Well, major.

Sir.

What brings you back to Fort Courage so soon?

Bad luck.

Uh,

you were saying about this special assignment?

Back at headquarters, we've decided that

our, uh, officer candidate school isn't turning out

the high caliber-type men we need for this man's Army.

So...

I'm going to visit all the forts in the territory.

Evaluate the enlisted personnel for commissions in the field.

First thing tomorrow morning, we start off right here.

Evaluating, testing.

If I may say so, major, an excellent idea.

Our Captain Parmenter was commissioned in the field.

Yes, yes. They're well aware of that back at headquarters.

But we're gonna go through with the scheme anyway.

Captain, I'd like to take a look

at the service records of all your enlisted personnel.

Uh, yes, sir. I have them in alphabetical order,

starting with A.

Good thinking.

Are you going to try for a commission, sarge?

What? Are you out of your mind, Agarn?

With O'Rourke Enterprises, the souvenirs, the saloon,

if they made me a general I'd be taking a pay cut.

All right. Shut up, will ya.

Hold the talk.

Major's gonna be out here to start the test any minute now.

What test, sarge?

You heard the sarge! You heard the sarge.

Troop! Ten-hut!

F Troop all present, accounted for, sir.

All right, sergeant.

Captain Parmenter, carry on.

Men!

This will be the physical fitness part

of the officer's candidate test.

You will all now run the obstacle course,

which has been laid out.

And it will be under simulated battle conditions.

Major Duncan and I will be firing

live arrows over your head.

Captain.

This knee of mine's been giving me trouble again.

It's that old wound I got at the Alamo, sir.

There we were.

Me and Davy Crockett. Shoulder to shoulder,

we went back to the wall.

Davy, I said! I...

I know all about you and Duffy, Davy.

Davy. Duffy.

Sir, may I be excused?

You see, I've got this old horseshoe-pitching elbow.

It's probably meines ankle is... broken.

Yes, sir, I don't feel too good.

I've been having dizzy spells.

I think it's from blowing my bugle too hard.

There, there, there! I'm sorry, I...

Troopers! There, now, there!

All right, troop! Ten-hut!

Uh, men, this is possibly the most important part of the test.

The first qualification of a good cavalry officer

is that he be in tiptop physical condition.

Right, major?

Are you all right, sir?

I'm sorry, sir.

It's all right.

All right. Just... knocked...

the wind out of me for a second.

Okay, sir.

There, you see, men?

That's what I was telling you.

Major Duncan is a perfect example

of a well-conditioned officer.

Captain Parmenter's absolutely right, men.

Good officers gotta be battle sharp, tiptop shape.

All the time.

I'm fine. I'm fine.

Oh, boy. Stout fellow.

Well, did you see, men?

Captain Parmenter's in... tiptop shape.

Sergeant, I think we'd better start the test.

Yes, sir. Troop!

About face!

Forward march!

Troop, halt!

Left face!

All right, you yellow legs.

This is an obstacle course, and you are gonna run it.

I want you to jump over that hitching rail.

Underneath that hitching rail and the wagon.

Over the bales of straw.

You will then jump the watering trough.

Crawl on your bellies underneath that infiltration course.

Climb up that rope hand over hand to the roof.

And jump off into the straw pile.

And then you will come back the same course.

Underneath that infiltration course.

Try not to fall into the watering trough.

Over the barrels. Under the wagon.

And right back here to this hitching rail.

And you can start now, Dobbs.

Come on!

Dobbs, can't you even jump over a hitching rail?

Sarge, look what I did to my bugle.

Never mind your Bugle. Just get on with the obstacle course.

Hoffenmueller.

Parmenter, ready?

Arrows.

Right, sir.

My honor.

Help! I can't swim!

Help! I can't swim!

I can't swim!

Help! I can't swim!

Vanderbilt!

A little lob shot.

Cease-fire, Parmenter. Please.

Sergeant O'Rourke!

Tell the men we're calling the test off.

Well, I'll tell 'em, sir,

but I don't know if they'll hear me or not.

Dobbs, help Duffy with that trick knee.

Come on, Agarn.

Oh, I don't think we should call off the test, major.

My men really haven't been given a chance.

Given a chance?

Parmenter, do you realize the United States Cavalry

hasn't suffered a defeat like this since Bull Run?

If I may say so, sir,

I think you were right in calling off the test.

I'm sure that F Troop doesn't have any men

who are officer material.

That's where you're wrong, sergeant.

I think there's one man in that troop

that's very well-qualified.

Well, who's that, sir?

Sergeant O'Rourke.

Oh, why, that's wonderful!

Congratulations, sergeant.

Will ya quit worrying and relax, sarge!

The major's gonna make you an officer, and that's it!

Yeah.

Got it! Got what?

You tell the major you can't be an officer

or a gentlemen because of your problem.

What problem?

You drink. Of course, I drink,

but in this Army, if ya drink, they make ya a general.

Oh, yeah.

I forgot about him.

There has got to be some way...

Oh, that's it.

What's it? You just said something

that may solve our whole problem.

I told you I'll solve your problem for ya, sarge.

And you never think I can come up with

an intelligent suggestion. What did I say?

We're gonna prove to Major Duncan

that I could never be an officer and a gentleman.

Well, that should be easy for you, sarge.

In my heart, you've always been a... slob.

Come in.

Hi, Wilton.

Hello, Jane.

Jane, ooh!

Oh, Wilton! I'll help you.

Oh, Wilton. You've gotta be more careful.

Mm. I-I... Jane! Jane.

A lady does not come barging into a man's bedroom.

Well, ya told me to come in.

Well, I didn't know it was you.

Well, gee, you shouldn't be going to bed at 7:00, anyway.

Well, listen, my wise, old grandmother once said to me

that early to bed and early to rise

makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.

Well, my wise, old grandmother told me

that if you go to bed with the settin' sun,

you're sure to miss a lot of fun.

And she oughta know

'cause she was the highest paid dance hall girl in Dodge City.

Jane, I really think you better leave now because

my roommate, Major Duncan, is going to be back any minute.

All right, Wilton.

Oh, I almost forgot.

I brought you another mousetrap and some more goat cheese.

Thank you very much, Janey. Now, would you please leave.

Sure you don't want me to tuck ya in, Wilton?

Jane!

Is that you, Jane?

Captain, I'd like to take a look

at the service records of all your enlisted personnel.

Oh, come in, major.

Thank you, Parmenter.

I was just, uh...

Hey, Parmenter, if you're expecting your lady friend,

I can go and get lost for a couple of hours.

No, no, no, major.

Oh, but you said... Jane.

I-I did? Yeah.

Uh, well, that... That's my horse's name. Jane.

Ah.

Your horse in the habit of coming by at night

and... knocking on your door?

Uh, yes.

And I feed her a lump of sugar.

Sure you do.

Oh, hold it, major.

Hold it. What's the matter?

You're tracking up my clean floor.

Oh, well, I'm sorry. What do you want me to do?

Just leap out of my boots?

No, I just like to keep my quarters tidy, sir.

You know, someday you're gonna make some woman

a wonderful wife.

Thank you, sir.

Nice little town you got here.

You know, there's not much action, but it's got...

We're building a library, you know.

Well, that oughta liven things up, huh?

Look, Parmenter, I don't expect you to be my orderly.

Well, sir, I'm just going by what my wise, old grandmother

used to tell me when I was a boy.

Oh? "A place for everything

and everything in its place."

Isn't that funny, huh?

You know, my little, old grandmother used to say

the same thing to me.

She did? Mm.

Yeah, it was right after that

that I sawed the rockers off her chair.

That wasn't very nice.

Ah, well, made me laugh.

But I figured anybody going around

saying things like that must be off their rocker, huh?

Well, I don't suppose there's anything else

to do but blow out the lamps and turn in, hm?

Mind if we have a little fresh air,

or has your grandmother got something to say about that too?

Yeah, as a matter of fact, Granny used to say that...

Ow! What is this?

Oh! Oh, here, let me help you, major.

You ever heard of putting a mousetrap on a window sill?

Well, a lot of mice haven't heard of it either.

Is that you, Jane?

Oh, it could be my horse again. Sure.

It's me, captain. Corporal Agarn.

Oh. Well, come in, corporal, come in.

What seems to be the problem, corporal?

Major.

It's Sergeant O'Rourke, sir.

Sergeant O'Rourke? What happened to him?

Nothing. It's... It's just that, well... Out with it!

Out with it, corporal!

Oh, goodness, no, sir.

Nobody likes to turn in a buddy, but...

there's something you should know

before you can commission him an officer.

Um, just what are you talking about, corporal?

It's something the major will have to see for himself.

With your permission, major, I'll saddle up your horse.

Good work, corporal.

I'll be with ya in a moment.

Ah, maybe I should go along with you.

Hm? Oh, no.

No, you stay here and play "Hickory Dickory Dock."

I don't believe it.

Just don't believe it.

Sergeant O'Rourke is in here every night.

He's a disgrace to his troop, to his uniform, to his stripes,

to his horse, to his saddle, to his boots, to his bunk,

to his footlocker.

All right, Agarn, I got the point.

Ah, good evening and welcome to the Playbrave Club.

Uh, may I see your membership cards?

We don't have any membership cards.

We are here to pick up Sergeant O'Rourke.

Sure you wouldn't like to stay for the evening?

Very cheap drinks served by beautiful Playbrave Squirrels.

We are not interested. Corn silk, peace pipes,

snuff.

Corn silk, peace pipes.

I'd sure like to help that little squirrel

collect acorns for the winter, huh?

Major Duncan!

We are here to arrest Sergeant O'Rourke.

We are? Yes, sir.

What for?

For conduct unbecoming a future officer.

Oh, that's why we're here.

Sir.

Aha!

Sergeant O'Rourke!

Caught you red-handed.

Nothing personal, chief.

What are you doing here, sir?

What's going on here?

Nothing to do with you, chief. It's just, uh...

I was told Sergeant O'Rourke was up here, so I, uh...

I came by to investigate.

Sergeant here every night.

He has membership card number one in Playbrave Club.

You had to turn in your best buddy, didn't ya?

I did it for the service, sarge.

I'm a buddy second.

But I'm a soldier first.

I know what you're thinking, sir.

That I am not fit officer material, and you are right.

As a matter of fact,

I don't even deserve these sergeant stripes.

Quite right, sergeant.

Get out!

Don't worry, O'Rourke.

Once you're outta the guardhouse,

you'll work your way back up the ladder.

Hold on. There's not gonna be any guardhouse, corporal.

Sergeant, I'm commissioning you

second lieutenant.

But, major, how can you do that?

Tut-tut-tut, corporal.

One of the most important qualities of a good officer

is leadership.

Any man who can lead me to a place like this

is officer material.

Surely, sir, you're making a mistake.

I mean, you want officers like Captain Parmenter.

I don't know.

The cavalry's looking for men, not housekeepers.

Congratulations, O'Rourke.

I have a nice ringside table for ya.

No, Crazy Cat, they are my guests.

Well, thank you, chief. Let's all sit down

and, uh, and go on with the party, huh.

You in luck, major.

Tonight, we have music of the Tomahawk Trio.

I'm sure I'm gonna enjoy them very much.

They held over four weeks at Little Big Horn.

Well, good afternoon, lieutenant.

Now, knock it off.

I must say one thing: you look good as a lieutenant, sarge.

And I'd like to say you look good as a sergeant, corporal.

Are you pulling rank on me, sarge?

Err... lieutenant.

Listen. In 24 hours, I've gotta leave here with Major Duncan.

I'm going to miss ya, sarge.

No, you don't understand.

We gotta think of some way to get these bars off my shoulder.

But there's no way.

We know different,

but the major thinks you're great.

Hoffenmueller, the only ones you could wake up

with that call are the German army.

Hey, corporal! How 'bout giving me a chance at the bugle?

I should be the one to blow the bugle.

What are you talking about?

I'll tell you who's gonna blow the bugle.

Is that the way to do it, sarge?

Well, actually, Dobbs, it's in the wrist. You see?

Keep a nice loose wrist. On your toes.

Keep your eye on his head. And then follow through.

There.

Let's go see Captain Parmenter.

Maybe he can request that I stay here.

Practice, Dobbs.

I'm going into town, captain. I'll be back around 7:00.

Very well, major.

Let's wait till the major leaves.

You, uh...

haven't set anymore mousetraps, have ya?

No, sir.

Good.

Oh, one more thing, major.

If you happen to come home with mud on your boots,

would you mind leaving them outside?

What?

- I - just washed the floor.

See here, Parmenter.

If you're so afraid of me messing up your quarters,

there's another officer on this post I can bunk with, you know.

Who's that, sir?

Lieutenant O'Rourke.

Oh, yes, I forgot about him.

Yeah!

He's my kind of man.

You can bet your boots he won't meet me at the door

in a... A nightshirt with a feather duster in his hands.

Oh, come in.

Oh, good evening, major.

Good evening, lieutenant. Good evening.

Say, I thought you and I might, uh,

slip up to the Playbrave Club, you know, and...

But you're all ready for bed? It's only 7:00.

Sure, now that I'm an officer, I have new responsibilities.

Well, I appreciate that, but...

You're wearing lieutenant bars on your nightshirt?

Pardon, sir, it's just that I'm so proud.

Now there's a feather duster you have in your hand.

Oh, yes, yes. I like to keep my room tidy.

As my wise, old grandmother once said:

"Cleanliness is next to godliness."

Uh, is she, by any chance, related

to Parmenter's wise, old grandmother?

I don't think so, sir. No.

O'Rourke, I hope I didn't make a mistake with you.

Oh, no, sir. I'm sure I'm going to be a very good officer.

I'm beginning to have my doubts.

Oh, no, sir.

I-I'm sure that you're going to be proud of me, sir.

I'm not so sure about that, O'Rourke.

There we are.

Good heavens. Look what we've done now.

Oh? What?

Well, you've tracked up my floor.

Oh?

I am... I'm sorry about that O'Rourke.

It's all right, major. We'll put it right in just a moment.

All right, where is it?

Where's what, sir?

The mousetrap.

Oh, I've never had any trouble with mice, sir.

You're sure there isn't any...

But I have been bothered with bears, sir.

Get me out of this!

There you are.

Are you all right, sir?

No. No, I'm not all...

Oh, I'd let you lie on the bed, sir, but I... I just made it.

I don't think you're gonna need these anymore.

Sergeant O'Rourke!

Oh, well, sir...

You're more than welcome to spend the night, sir.

No, thank you!

I'm... going over and spend the night

with Captain "Blood and Guts" Parmenter.

Whew.

Did it work, sarge?

Like a charm. Like a charm.

Where we going, sarge?

If we hurry, we can make the late show at the Playbrave Club.

You are the men of F Troop.

Defenders of the West.

The eyes of Washington are on all of us.

All of us.

Gravy stains, Duddleson? Gravy stains?

Hut!

Oh, Dobbs! Dobbs. Aw.

Dobbs.

F Troop all present, accounted for, sir.

And, uh, the troop is ready for inspection.

So back to normal, I see, sergeant.

Yes, sir.