Original subtitles

[BUGLE PLAYS "CHARGE"]

♪ The end of the Civil War Was near ♪

♪ When quite accidentally ♪

♪ A hero who sneezed Abruptly seized ♪

♪ Retreat And reversed it to victory ♪

♪ His Medal of Honor Pleased and thrilled ♪

♪ His proud little Family group ♪

♪ While pinning it on Some blood was spilled ♪

♪ And so it was planned He'd command ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

♪ Where Indian fights Are colorful sights ♪

♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪

♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪

♪ Both turn chicken ♪

♪ When drilling and fighting Get them down ♪

♪ They know their morale Can't droop ♪

♪ As long as they all Relax in town ♪

♪ Before they resume With a bang and a boom ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

[♪♪♪]

That's it. Press on.

Press on. That... That... That... That's it.

[STAMMERS]

Duffy, get that neckerchief fixed up.

Don't ever let me see you like that again.

Allow me, sir. Allow... Allow me, sir.

Thank you, sergeant.

I have to get a bigger boot.

There just isn't room enough in there

for a hand, a watch and a foot.

[LAUGHS]

[ALL LAUGHING]

A little humor always loosens the men up.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Gee, I wonder when that stage is going to get here.

I got it all figured out, captain.

If they get here in the next 20 minutes,

it'll be the earliest they've ever been late.

PARMENTER: Uh, sergeant.

Agarn.

Hut!

All right, now, let's look alive.

We're not waiting only for the mother of Captain Parmenter,

but for the wife of General Ford Parmenter,

the sister-in-law of Colonel Jupiter Parmenter

and the aunt of Lucian Parmenter.

Uh, sergeant, sergeant, please.

I-I just call her Mom.

Eyes left!

[WHOOPS]

Whoa!

She's not in there.

Didn't you have any passengers?

A full load.

I lost 'em in Laramie.

That Mrs. Parmenter ordered me to drive the scenic route

through Yellowstone.

You mean my mother's in Yellowstone?

No, she ordered me to drop her inside the fort.

[GUNSHOT]

Injuns!

Injuns!

My mother's in there.

To the parapets, men.

On the double!

O'ROURKE: On the double!

[♪♪♪]

VANDERBILT: Injuns!

Injun attack!

Injuns?

What Injuns? I don't see no Injuns.

Look, over there.

The audacity of you, you nincompoop.

Mom.

Vanderbilt, you cut that out.

That's my mother.

The captain's mother, an Injun?

Wilton.

[CLEARS THROAT] Here, we are.

Well.

All right, Dobbs, put it down any place.

Well, if you don't give me a hand,

that any place is liable to be on top of me.

Easy.

Ah, ah. Agarn, Agarn.

Please, please, please.

Yeah? Well, I could've done the same thing, sarge.

I just didn't have a hat box to balance me.

Now, these are certainly not quarters

befitting a Parmenter.

Why didn't you write to me and tell me?

You know that we have friends in Washington.

Well, I think it's very nice, Mother.

Oh, uh, Dobbs, Agarn.

Would you take Mrs. Parmenter's trunk into the bedroom, please?

Okay, sarge. Easy, ma'am.

Okay, Dobbs. Here we go, one more time.

Uh, oh, uh, hold it, hold it.

Here we go.

There we are.

[GROANS] Be careful.

Oh, there we are.

Well, ma'am, it looks like you intend to be with us

for quite a spell.

Oh, no. Just a few days.

I'm taking the next stage to California.

Oh, well, the bedroom is all fixed up for you, ma'am.

I'm sure you're gonna be comfy

and don't you worry about the captain none

because we put a cot over in our quarters for him.

You mean, I'm going to be in there alone?

What about the Indians?

Oh, they have their own place to sleep, ma'am.

That's right, Mother,

the Hekawis have a lovely village down by the lake.

Yeah. Well, men, let's... Let's us go

and leave the captain his mother.

Ma'am, captain.

Oh, thanks a million, fellas.

I sure appreciate it.

It's all right, captain.

Bye, now.

They're a wonderful bunch of fellas.

Wilton, you're entirely too familiar with your subordinates.

Your father, the general, would never approve.

Mother, I am the commanding officer of F Troop. Not father.

And I have to run Fort Courage in my own way.

Wilton, you are raising your voice to your mother.

No, no, I'm not, that's just my captain's voice.

Look out for the chair. Oh.

Oh, darling, did you get hurt?

There you go again, Mother.

You're still doing it to me.

I never would have bumped into the desk if you hadn't

warned me about the chair.

Oh, well, if you wanted to bump into a chair.

Mother, I want you to treat me as an adult.

A soldier.

A leader of men.

Why, do you know what the Indians call me?

[SPEAKING IN HEKAWI]

The Scourge of the West.

The Scourge?

What a terrible thing to call a nice boy like you.

Mother, I am not a boy.

I am a captain in the United States Cavalry.

And that is another thing.

Why are you still a captain, aren't you trying?

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Morning, Wilton.

Oh. Janey.

Here, I'd like you to meet my mother.

Mother this is my friend, Miss Jane Angelica Thrift.

How do you do, ma'am.

Your son's told me all about you.

Well, my son didn't tell me all about you.

Oh, sure I did, Mother.

That was in the same letter where I told you

not to send my umbrella.

I brang ya some partridge pie for you and your Ma.

Oh, thank you, Janey.

Brang.

How quaint.

Oh, pardon me, I brung it, and I also shot it.

Janey's the best shot in Fort Courage.

Why, she can do practically anything with a gun.

Well, I suppose that's one way to get a husband.

Well, I wouldn't dream of using a gun on Wilton.

Well, I guess I'll be moseying on.

Yes, mosey on by all means.

Thanks a lot for the pie, Janey.

I'll be seeing you around?

You can bet a bucket of buzzards you will.

That means I'll be moseying back.

[♪♪♪]

Bye, Janey. Here, I'll get that.

Janey's a real friendly girl, and she's a wonderful cook too.

Wait till you taste this partridge pie.

MRS. PARMENTER: I think I will unpack my trunk.

Oh, why go to all that bother?

The California stage will be through here

a day after tomorrow.

Oh, there'll be others.

I've decided to stay a little longer.

Really? Why?

Wilton, there are things far more dangerous

that can happen to a son than wild Indians.

[PLAYS TRUMPET SLOPPILY]

[♪♪♪]

Hut!

F Troop all present and accounted for, sir.

Very good, sergeant.

I told you yesterday to have that rat's nest trimmed.

Yes, sir.

Ma'am.

Mother.

I am merely trying to help, dear.

I made a general out of your father,

and I can make a general out of you.

Continue with your inspection, dear.

Sarge, we gotta get rid of mama.

How are we gonna ship our souvenirs

with her snooping around?

I'm working on it. I'm working on it.

Captain Parmenter, this man is asleep.

Oh, I know, Mother.

That's Private Duddleson, he does that quite often.

PARMENTER: Sergeant.

Agarn.

Duddleson! Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

[GRUNTS]

Vanderbilt, where are your glasses?

Ain't I got 'em on?

Oh.

How on earth did you ever get into the cavalry?

I didn't mean to.

I was riding a horse,

and it followed a bunch of other horses.

Oh, by the way, Dobbs.

Reveille sounded just fine this morning.

Thank you, sir.

As a matter of fact, it didn't sound quite like reveille to me.

Well, it weren't, ma'am, strictly speaking.

It was "Home Sweet Home."

I played it in your honor.

Oh, now, wasn't that a thoughtful gesture, Mother?

Wilton, it's going to take longer with you

than it did with your father.

But we can't make her leave, corporal.

She's the captain's mother.

Sarge, we gotta do something.

Half the men are talking about a transfer to a fighting outfit.

Even the horses want transfers. All right.

She keeps bothering me about my moustache,

I'm going home to my wife.

You ain't even married, Duffy.

No wonder I don't get no mail.

Inspections?

That's all she ever thinks of.

Inspect the barracks. Inspect the mess hall.

Inspect the town.

Sarge, we gotta get rid of her.

We're gonna get rid of her.

Don't worry.

She even wants us to dig a moat.

Who we fighting? Robin Hood?

Well, relax, will ya?

She is practically on her way out of here right now.

[♪♪♪]

Now, take it easy, sarge.

It ain't gonna be too rough on her, is it?

Because if anything happens to the captain's mama,

he'll massacre the whole bunch of us.

Agarn, use your head.

I'm not gonna hurt the captain's mother.

She's the general's wife.

She wants to inspect the town,

Well, I'll give her something to inspect.

Sergeant, I see no reason for this escort duty.

This is the most peaceful town I've ever seen.

Ah, you don't know Fort Courage, ma'am.

A regular powder keg, ma'am.

Why it's liable to explode any second.

Any second!

[♪♪♪]

[GUNSHOTS]

[HORSE WHINNIES]

Well, like I was saying, ma'am,

Fort Courage is a regular powder keg,

just liable to blow up any second.

Well, it just did.

Those desperados robbed that bank.

Hm. Aw, shucks, ma'am,

why, they do that almost every day.

Yes, and now, there is our stage depot.

And our blacksmith's shop.

Uh... Oh, ma'am.

Here is our little ice cream parlor.

It's real picturesque.

Really.

Why would I want to look at an ice cream parlor?

We have dozens of ice cream parlors in Philadelphia.

Well, it's part of our job, ma'am.

We have to check on the sarsaparilla.

Yeah, sometimes they make it awful strong.

What was that?

Oh, just some of the boys having a little fun, ma'am.

Oh, yes, they certainly are having some fun.

They don't have that much fun in Philadelphia on sarsaparilla.

I think we better go someplace else.

Where?

It's just as bad all over town.

[GUNSHOT]

Oh.

Well, I... I guess we can go now.

Everybody seems to be dead.

Ah, it's working.

Now, listen, you get Mother Parmenter back to the fort,

and I'll get all those bodies on their feet

and back into uniform before the captain gets wise.

Right, sarge.

But Mrs. Parmenter, I thought you liked the West.

Horace Greeley had a terrible sense of direction.

I'm taking the next stage back to Philadelphia.

I don't understand why you changed your mind so suddenly.

Can't we talk you out of leaving?

O'ROURKE: Ah, don't even try captain.

I mean, once a general's wife has made up her mind, well, uh,

wild horses couldn't change it.

We're all going to miss you, Mother, won't we?

Oh, we will. Yes, we're gonna miss you.

You betcha, ma'am.

Have a nice trip.

Well, Wilton won't miss me.

Oh. Why won't I?

Because I have telegraphed our friends in Washington,

asking them to arrange for your transfer.

This is no place for a Parmenter.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Problem, problem.

Every time you show up, bring new problem.

Before paleface come here, Injun have no problem.

Yeah. Injun had no money neither. Yeah.

Never think of it that way.

We gotta do something quick,

or we're gonna lose Captain Parmenter.

AGARN: Mama wants to transfer him east.

And that is bad.

O'Rourke Enterprises needs great white pigeon.

You gotta help us, Wild Eagle.

Okay, you come to right bird.

Eagle best one. Take care of pigeon.

Ha.

Get it?

Eagle. Pigeon.

[LAUGHS]

Wait a minute. Hold it, will ya?

We want you to hold a council of war.

War? Oh, sit down.

Hekawis not fighters. We lovers.

There ain't gonna be no fight.

Council of war but no fight?

Wait a minute.

We gotta get rid of Mrs. Parmenter.

Now, I'll tell you something.

She is scared to death of wild Injuns.

Not blame her.

Wild Eagle feel same way.

Before she can arrange this transfer,

we have gotta convince her that the whole West

is gonna fall apart if her son leaves.

Now...

this is what we're gonna do.

[WHIMPERING]

Janey, I wish you'd stop.

I can't.

Your ma's just sent another telegram,

and I know she's gonna get you a transfer.

Well, that's no reason to cry.

They'll send another commanding officer to F Troop.

Now, Dobbs, we must be brave.

I'm sorry, sir, but this is the saddest day of my life.

You can't leave us, captain.

Now, now, Vanderbilt, stop that.

Now, you're going to rust up your rims.

[WEEPING] It's terrible.

Oh, no, Duffy.

Wilton, if I only had something to remember you by.

A flower, a picture,

a diamond engagement ring.

Janey, I told you I... I would write you.

And I'll even send you a birthday present every June.

Thank you.

And I won't open it till November. On my birthday.

I thought it was June.

Now, whose...? Oh, that's... That's my birthday.

Captain, you just can't leave.

It started already.

It has? What has?

Injun trouble. Big smoke.

I just heard it from Agarn.

The chiefs of the Western Nations

are having a council of war up at the Hekawi camp.

We have a treaty with the Hekawis.

It's not worth the birch bark it's written on, sir.

Not if you leave.

Really?

There is only one man that can keep the peace, sir.

The Scourge of the West.

[SPEAKING IN HEKAWI]

JANE: You gotta stay, Wilton.

I need you, and Fort Courage needs you.

The whole West needs you.

You're right.

But what will I tell my mother?

[♪♪♪]

Dismount.

Oh, I still say that it's absolutely ridiculous

to come out here and pick flowers.

Really, Mother?

Well, I thought the sergeant's suggestion was very thoughtful.

Thoughtful?

What if we run into some wild Indians?

Oh, you don't have to worry about Injuns, ma'am.

They're afraid of your son.

Yeah, that's right, Mother.

And besides, Sgt. O'Rourke and Cpl. Agarn are out

on patrol just ahead of us,

and they know how to handle wild Indians. Come on.

Come on, now, Wild Eagle, let's get organized.

They're gonna be here any minute.

You palefaces always in hurry.

All right, boys, line up.

Oh, fine, fine, yes.

Now, pay attention.

Sergeant give you rundown on act.

Now, it's very simple.

You're all chiefs, see.

And you're having a council of war.

And when Captain Parmenter and his mother get here,

all you've got to do is convince her that if he goes back east,

you're all going on the warpath.

Uh, question.

O'ROURKE: What is it?

How we find warpath?

Never mind path.

First, find brain.

So there won't be any mix up,

Wild Eagle here is gonna tell each one of you

which chief you are.

Running Deer, you Apache Chief Cochise.

Crazy Cat, you famous Sioux warrior Sitting Bull.

[SHOUTS]

What that for?

Me savage warrior.

Don't waste in practice. Save for show.

Papa Bear, you great leader Crazy Horse.

Nice.

Wait.

Why Papa be Crazy Horse, why no me?

What's the difference?

Big difference.

I Crazy Cat.

I make better Crazy Horse than Papa Bear.

I crazy to begin with.

Oh, will you shut up.

They're gonna be here any second.

Remember, you warriors.

Not Hekawis.

Wait a minute. Where's Geronimo?

Geronimo!

[SCREAMING]

Will you knuckleheads stop?

That's Agarn.

Have more Injuns like him, we not lose West.

What do you think of the paint job, sarge?

O'ROURKE: Beautiful, beautiful.

All right, now, remember,

we do the whole thing just like we rehearsed it.

Come on.

[♪♪♪]

VANDERBILT: Hey, captain, look. Turkeys.

Vanderbilt, no.

It's a council of war.

With turkeys?

Who would they fight, chickens?

No, they're Indians.

Indians! Oh, no, no.

Good thinking, Mother.

Everybody down.

Chance to do a little spying.

Me, Geronimo, ferocious chief of Apache,

call council of war to order.

WILD EAGLE: Second motion.

Tell us, ferocious Geronimo,

why you round up chiefs for meeting.

Me have big news about Scourge of West.

[PANICKED MUTTERING]

Time for fear, my brothers, is over.

Scourge of West go east.

[EXCITED GIBBERING]

When Scourge depart for east, Injuns take back West.

[LAUGHING]

We kill!

ALL: Kill, kill, kill.

We burn!

ALL: Burn, burn, burn.

We pillage!

INDIANS: Pillage, pillage, pillage.

What means "pillage"?

Who knows. Play along.

Council of war end with big war dance.

Begone, captain.

[EXCITED SHOUTING]

Wilton, they're afraid of you.

Those wild Indians are actually afraid of you.

After all, Mother, I am a Parmenter.

Look, captain, they've got Sergeant O'Rourke.

[WHOOPING]

All right, now.

Not too tight, fellas.

O'ROURKE: What's the idea of that?

Gotta make it look good, sarge.

All right, make it look good, but not too good.

Now, go ahead, start your dance.

Right. Come on.

[TRIBAL CHANTING]

Burn, burn.

Agarn, break it up, will ya?

Oh, Wilton.

They're burning the sergeant to a crisp.

Dobbs, take care of my mother.

Yes, sir.

Ready, men?

Charge!

Wait!

Scourge of West!

Everybody run for life!

[♪♪♪]

[GRUNTS]

Mrs. Parmenter.

Captain, you've done it again.

It's all part of winning the West.

Ow.

DOBBS: You can't go in there.

Oh, quiet.

Buglers don't tell General's wives what to do.

Captain.

MRS. PARMENTER: Wilton! Are you all right?

Dobbs, I told you to keep my mother on the hill.

I'm sorry, captain, but she wouldn't stay.

Wilton, you were marvelous.

Simply marvelous.

Captain, it is hot in here.

Oh, pardon me, Mother, I have to go rescue a sergeant.

Don't burn yourself, dear.

Don't you worry about him none, ma'am.

He's really something.

My son, the Scourge.

[♪♪♪]

Gentlemen, I was wrong in requesting

a transfer for your captain.

His place is here in the West with you.

[CHEERING]

And my place is here beside him.

PARMENTER: Mother, that's not quite accurate.

Now, true, my place is here with my men.

But a fort in the Wild West is no place for a mother.

You're leaving on the stage for Philadelphia.

But, Wilton, I...

Sorry, Mother, that's an order.

But I'm not dressed for traveling.

I haven't packed. I can't go.

Dobbs.

[♪♪♪]

Oh, Wilton. You are so masterful.

All Parmenters are masterful.

[WHISTLES]

[♪♪♪]

All aboard for Philadelphia.

Goodbye, Mother. Give my love to Father.

Goodbye, Wilton.

I guess Philadelphia needs me after all.

Goodbye, troops.

Ma'am.

Now, be sure to write.

And you be sure to wear your rubbers when it rains.

O'ROURKE: All right, Joe, take it away.

(GRUNTS)

[SHOUTING]

[♪♪♪]