Original subtitles

[BUGLER PLAYS "CHARGE"]

♪ The end of the Civil War Was near ♪

♪ When quite accidentally ♪

♪ A hero who sneezed Abruptly seized ♪

♪ Retreat And reversed it to victory ♪

♪ His Medal of Honor Pleased and thrilled ♪

♪ His proud little Family group ♪

♪ While pinning it on Some blood was spilled ♪

♪ And so it was planned He'd command ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

♪ Where Indian fights Are colorful sights ♪

♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪

♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪

♪ Both turn chicken ♪

♪ When drilling and fighting Get them down ♪

♪ They know their morale Can't droop ♪

♪ As long as they all Relax in town ♪

♪ Before they resume With a bang and a boom ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

[♪♪♪]

[SCREAMS]

What happened?

What's the matter? What's the matter?

Why's your hand caught in the window?

Would you open the window, please?

Oh, yeah, I know, I know.

You saw another Indian looking through the window.

I didn't see another Indian looking through the window.

Just open the window, please.

All right, all right.

I'll tell you one thing, this has got to stop.

This is the third night in a row

that you woke me up.

But, sarge, those other two nights,

I tell you, I saw an Indian

looking through this window.

And I say you were dreaming.

Now, the only Indians around here

are Hekawis, and they would not be

looking through that window. Why not?

Because all their braves are afraid of the dark.

Go to sleep.

I still say I've been seeing an Indian

through that window.

And why would an Indian

be looking through that window?

How do I know?

Maybe he's a peeping tomahawk.

Go to sleep.

That is an order.

[GRUNTS]

[♪♪♪]

[SCREAMS]

Indians! Indians!

What happ...?

What's the matter? What...?

I saw that same Indian out there again!

Agarn, I... Look for yourself, sarge!

I know he's out there!

I told you. I... I... Aah!

Agarn, will you get this window off of my neck?

Did you see an Indian out there, sarge?

No, I didn't see that Indian out there.

He must be heading for the gate!

Indians!

Come on, men! Grab your guns!

Everybody, out on the double!

MAN: Get awake!

AGARN: Indians!

Come on, men! Grab your guns!

[BUGLE WARBLES]

Everybody, on the double! Look alive!

Dobbs, Duddleson, cover the gate!

The rest of you men spread out and cover the fort!

Look alive! Dobbs, Duddleson, cover the gate!

The rest of you men spread out and cover the fort!

Dobbs...

You've got us up the last two nights

on a wild goose chase.

Yours not to question why,

yours but to do or die!

You ain't seen any Indians. The sarge is right.

You're just seeing them in your dreams.

Know what else I saw?

You in front of a firing...

All right, stop the hassle, will you?

Now, Dobbs, go find that Indian so we can all go back to bed.

Right, sarge.

Sarge, I tell you,

I saw him right there at that end.

Sure you did, Agarn. Sure you...

What's going on here, men?

Captain.

At ease. At ease.

Agarn saw another Indian looking through the window.

AGARN: Not "another Indian." The same Indian.

This is the third night you've said this.

Now, are you sure he doesn't appear to you

in a dream?

Sir, have you ever seen a dream walking? No.

Well, he did.

Really, corporal,

I think this is all your imagination.

Captain, I saw him as big as life!

Captain. Yes?

We searched the corral, tack room and guardhouse,

and no Indian.

Thank you, Dobbs.

All right, you satisfied now?

No.

Well, I'm satisfied,

so just go back to bed, please, corporal.

Oh, and sweet dreams.

Thank you, sir.

Do you think it could be one of the Hekawi

walking in his sleep?

No, it was one of the Hekawi walking in your sleep.

But, sarge, it can't be a dream.

If I'm going to dream about Indians,

I'll dream about Pocahontas.

Well, look.

You just relax and go to sleep.

Don't give me any more of them false alarms.

Don't worry, sarge.

He only comes around once a night.

Uh, what are you doing?

If you don't mind, sarge,

I'd like to sleep with the light on.

Please... go to sleep like a little man.

Agarn...

would you go back to your own bunk,

please?

Sarge... What is it, Agarn?

Could I have a drink of water?

[WHOOPING]

You see, sarge, that's him!

Agarn!

You heard him yourself!

Dobbs!

There's your Indian, Agarn.

Dobbs...

I ought to punch you right in the nose.

Oh, I thought you had a sense of humor.

Oh, I've got a great sense of humor.

How's that for a laugh?

Sarge... look what he did to my bugle.

Ah, it'll work all right.

Sergeant O'Rourke, Corporal Agarn

reporting, sir.

Oh, at ease, men. At ease.

I've called you in

because I'd like to discuss this business...

Are you all right, sir?

Oh, yes, I'm fine, I'm fine.

I have to get that loose board fixed.

I'll get Private Duffy on that

this afternoon, sir.

Yes.

Good. Thank you.

You were saying, sir?

I was saying...? Oh, yes, yes.

Uh, I called you in

because I'd like to discuss this business

of this imaginary Indian

you keep seeing every night, Agarn.

Sir, believe me, if you'll just sleep

in the NCO quarters tonight,

I'm sure you'll see him.

Well, I hardly think it's worth moving my bed in there.

You can sleep in my bed, captain.

I don't mind another night in O'Rourke's bunk.

O'ROURKE: Well, it was... It was either that

or sleeping with the lamp on

all night, sir.

Oh.

Well, I've been checking through

this cavalry manual,

and I've discovered something very interesting.

What's that, captain?

If a soldier is stationed for any length of time

in this territory,

one of the things he may suffer from

is Indian fever.

Oh, sir, I've got it. I know it.

Here, sarge, feel that.

I'm burning up, right?

Your head is as cold as ice.

You see that?

Rigor mortis has set in.

What I'm trying to tell you

is that when a soldier has Indian fever,

he imagines he sees Indians.

But sir, when I had the German measles,

I didn't see any Germans.

I guess you do have a point there.

Captain, I'm sure that the pills that the medic gave him

will start to take effect very soon now.

Let's hope so, sergeant, because if it continues,

I'm afraid I'm going to have to recommend a transfer

for Corporal Agarn.

A transfer, sir?

Yes, to an eastern fort, away from the Indian territory.

Yeah, well, now, captain,

I'm sure that this is a temporary condition.

Yes, you are not going to see any imaginary Indians again,

now, are you, Agarn?

Oh, believe me, sir, it's only temporary,

and I promise you, sarge,

I'll never see another Indian...

And there he is!

There who is? What?

That Indian!

Agarn!

I tell you, I saw him, sarge!

Well, he can't get very far.

Hey, Duffy!

Did you see an Indian looking in the captain's window?

[WHOOPS]

You're just asking

for a court martial, Dobbs.

Are you starting to see Indians too, O'Rourke?

If there was an Indian, someone would have seen him.

Yes, but you can bet me, they wouldn't admit it.

Oh, they're all against me, sir.

Oh?

You think all the men are against you, corporal?

With the captain's permission, sir, I suggest

we relieve Corporal Agarn of his duties today

so he can get a little rest.

I think that's a very good idea, sergeant.

I don't need the rest, captain!

It's that Indian running around the camp who needs the rest!

Corporal Agarn, you heard the captain.

Just go take one of your pills,

and lie down on your bunk.

Yes, you go ahead, corporal.

That's the best thing for you.

Right, sir.

You'd better come inside

and discuss this further, sergeant.

I think it's more serious than you imagine.

Oh, now, captain, I'm sure

that Corporal Agarn is going to be all right.

Hi there.

[SPLASH]

Sergeant, you know how I feel

about Corporal Agarn.

He's a very valuable man to have around the fort,

but we have to think of his welfare first.

Yes, sir, but I'm sure that Corporal Agarn

is on the road to recovery...

Captain Parmenter!

You saw another Indian, corporal?

Yes, sir.

Where? In the well.

In the well? Yes, sir.

I wanted some water to take my pill,

and when I cranked up the rope,

the Indian was sitting in the bucket.

The Indian was sitting in the bucket?

Come and see for yourselves!

Well, corporal, where's the Indian?

Captain, he was here a minute ago.

Come on up, you coward! I know you're down there!

Agarn, there ain't no Indian down there.

Corporal, I'm going to have to reassign you

to a rear-echelon unit.

O'ROURKE: You don't have to do that.

With the captain's permission, may I suggest

you give Corporal Agarn a week's furlough?

What good would that do?

Well, give him a chance to rest, relax, unwind,

clear out his little mixed-up head.

I guess I am a little mixed-up, captain.

That may be a very good idea.

Yes, sir.

It might do you good to get away from the rat race of the fort.

Thank you, sir.

I'll draw up the furlough papers.

Thank you, sir.

Gee, that was nice of you, sarge,

to suggest a furlough.

In my condition,

I could use a week in Dodge City.

Dodge City?

No, the Hekawi camp.

The Hekawi camp?

Yeah, you can combine business with pleasure,

look after our souvenir business.

Wait a minute, sarge.

If I've got Indian fever,

why am I spending a week with Indians?

When you fall off a horse,

you get right back another horse, right? Right.

If you're seeing Indians, you go to an Indian camp, right?

Well, that makes sense.

Not to me, but it makes sense.

Friends, Hekawis, countrymen, we are gathered here today

to say goodbye to Chief Wild Eagle

who has gone to last big powwow in sky.

He was good chief, wise chief,

with heart as big as his mouth.

Again you try to bury me.

Oh, Chief Wild Eagle.

Just practicing speech I wrote

for when we wrap your body in buffalo hide,

put it on your favorite pony,

and send him to...

Never mind the funeral arrangements.

Must be prepared, chief.

You could go any minute.

That why you practice funeral speech?

Have to practice.

Would you want me to say

burial speech for great chief

off top of head?

You keep practicing speech,

and you get tomahawk off top of head.

[HORSE WHINNIES]

Hey, Wild Eagle. Crazy Cat.

Hello, sergeant.

Hello, Agarn.

How.

Hey, Craze, you got a minute?

Do you walk in your sleep?

No.

Any of your friends walk in theirs?

No.

I demand a roll call of this tribe!

Agarn, will you cut that out?

Him acting very strange, sergeant.

Well, he's got Indian fever.

What's Indian fever?

He keeps thinking he sees an Indian

prowling around the fort.

And they call me Crazy Cat.

Do you mind if I check into the camp for a week?

I'd just like to relax

and work this out of my system.

Glad to have you.

Three dollars a day.

Three dollars a day!

American plan.

I'll pick up the tab.

Oh, gee, sarge, that's awful sweet of you.

Sergeant O'Rourke always do nice things

for corporal.

Why you not do nice things for me?

Only nice thing I can do for you

is drop dead, and that's out.

Chief, could you have somebody show Agarn his teepee?

He really needs a lot of rest.

That teepee there, Agarn.

Thanks.

Aah! Indian! Indian!

Where? Where?

What am I saying?

Everybody here Indian.

But this Indian didn't look like a Hekawi.

What he look like?

Well, he's got a strong, muscular body,

a tough-looking face, war paint on his cheeks,

a red band around his head, and a tomahawk,

and a scalp hanging from his belt.

That's what I call an Indian.

Oh, Agarn, it's all in your mind.

No, corporal describe Apache.

We hear one of their scouts in neighborhood.

You see, sarge? I wasn't dreaming.

WILD EAGLE: Wish you were dreaming.

What do you mean, Wild Eagle?

Understand big chief Mean Buffalo of Apaches

may go on warpath.

AGARN: Where'd you hear that?

A little bird told me.

What are you talking about, a little bird?

My friend Tiny Sparrow.

Live across the river.

Sarge, this could be trouble.

We'd better get back to the fort.

You're right, Agarn.

We'll see you later, Wild Eagle.

Chief, look. Smoke signal.

Well, what does it say?

Crazy Cat, give me my reading glasses.

It's from your Apache friend,

Chief Mean Buffalo.

Well? Well?

What does it say? What does it say?

It say... "Greetings.

"Your tribe has been selected

"to serve in the all-Indian army.

"Will contact you later.

"Sincerely, Chief Mean Buffalo.

P.S. Soldier dogs must die."

Him say that, not me.

Chief, they trying to draft us.

You're not going to go to war against us, are you, chief?

Hekawis just put on camp shows.

Maybe they let us just roll bandages.

Wild Eagle, you don't want to attack the fort.

Don't let name "Wild Eagle" fool you.

Had it changed from "Yellow Chicken."

You'd better get to that Mean Buffalo,

or we're all in trouble.

Think you can get this Apache friend

to come to a treaty powwow?

I could try. All right.

I'll talk to Captain Parmenter,

and we'll set up the powwow at the fort.

Come on, Agarn.

Take smoke-signal message.

Signal going to Chief Mean Buffalo.

"Dear Meanie.

About this war..."

You've certainly gone all out

for this powwow, captain.

Oh, well, I don't want to take

all the credit, sergeant.

Janey's done most of the work.

And it was a smart move, captain,

having Janey cook the dinner.

If you served that Apache a meal from our mess hall,

you couldn't blame him for going on the warpath.

Don't you worry none about this dinner.

I'm fixing that chief a big, juicy wild turkey.

Yeah, well, just to be on the safe side,

don't let him do the carving.

Oh, by the way, sergeant,

I'd like to congratulate you and Corporal Agarn

for arranging this treaty talk.

You've got to give Wild Eagle a little credit too, sir.

He did talk Chief Mean Buffalo into this.

Yeah, we're lucky to have an ally

like Wild Eagle.

Honorable, friendly, peace-loving...

And chicken.

Me think you make wise decision,

Chief Mean Buffalo.

Better to talk to paleface than fight.

My tribe not afraid.

We fight till last Apache.

Hekawi feel same way.

Be glad to fight to last Apache.

If soldier dog make bad treaty, we no sign.

Believe me, they make you good deal.

Don't want soldier officer

think we come as friendly Indians.

With those outfits, you've got no worries.

How far fort from here?

Only stone's throw.

How far is stone's throw?

How far can you throw a stone?

Come.

One more thing, Wild Eagle.

What's that?

How you behave

when you eat with paleface at fort?

Me not know.

Been at fort once for light lunch.

Never have formal dinner.

Me not want to look like savage arrive by canoe yesterday.

You play it safe.

How you mean? Watch soldiers.

Whatever they do, you do.

Well, I'm afraid I don't know much

about Apache customs, captain.

Why do you want to know their customs, Wilton?

Well, I don't want to embarrass them.

I want them to feel at home.

Why don't we just

burn someone at the stake, captain?

That's an old Apache custom.

I've got an idea, captain.

Just follow their lead.

That's an excellent idea, sergeant.

Sure.

Whatever they do, we do.

How.

How.

How. How. How.

Allow me to introduce myself.

I'm Captain... Wilton, are you all right?

I told you to have somebody fix that.

I'm sorry, sarge!

I've got a million things on my mind...

Uh, allow me to introduce myself.

My name is Captain Parmenter.

This is Corporal Agarn, Sergeant O'Rourke,

and our hostess, Wrangler Jane.

Me Chief Mean Buffalo.

My assistant, Beware of Dog.

Pleased to meet you.

How are you, chief? Nice to...

Glad to see you, Beware of Dog.

Nice to see you.

Well, shall we all get up and sit down?

You go right ahead. I'll see about the turkey.

Oh, good, good.

Chief, right over here.

Uh, Beware of Dog.

Well, I certainly want to thank you

for coming here to talk to us, chief.

Did you have a nice trip? [GRUNTS]

Wilton, perhaps I ought to start serving dinner.

I don't want the turkey to get cold.

Oh, good idea, Jane. Chief, are you and Beware of Dog

ready to eat? Yes.

Good.

We can talk about the treaty at dinner.

I hope you like wild turkey.

Well, shall we all sit at the table?

Stop.

Chief... Wilton... Thank you, Janey.

Now, chief... about this treaty...

Well, shall we all eat on the floor?

Oh, yeah!

I am sure the chief would be

more comfortable on the floor.

I love to eat on the floor.

In Passaic, we always eat on the floor.

Oh, yes, yes. Here we are, Agarn.

There. There.

Here's the salad.

Oh, thank you, Janey.

It certainly is

an interesting custom you have,

eating this way.

Apaches no eat this way.

You...? You don't eat on the floor?

Me thought you eat on the floor.

Well, you put the silverware down on...

You... Captain. I think, sir,

that they've been following our lead.

Oh!

How about that, chief?

You were trying to follow our customs

and we were trying to follow yours.

You want to make Apaches this welcome?

Apaches want to be friends.

Well, you certainly won't regret it, chief.

Now can we eat at table?

This very bad for back.

Here, I'll take that for you, captain.

Yes, here we go.

Beware of Dog, is it okay

if I call you Bow-wow?

Oh, look at this.

Look at this beautiful bird.

Oh, Janey, you've outdone yourself

this time, you really have.

Well, I got to tell you, sarge,

it's nice to wake up at night

and not see Indians staring in the window.

Nice for us too.

First time in a week

that F Troop's got a good night's sleep.

Be back in a minute. Got to get some water.

Yeah, all right, hurry up.

We've got to take care of these horses.

Hi there.

[SPLASH]

Sarge, sarge, come quick!

What's the matter now?

There's a beautiful Indian girl

in that well.

Ah, are we going to go through that again?

Sarge, I tell you, it's no dream.

Remember, I seen her first.

Captain Parmenter, what are you doing in there?

I was... leaning over to get some water,

and my hat fell in,

and I reached over to get it, and I...

Did you see a beautiful Indian girl on the way up?

Agarn, you've got it again, haven't you?

But, captain, I'm telling you...

Sarge, you've got to believe me!

[SPLASH]

What have you done? You let the captain fall...

I thought it was an Indian girl!

Never mind about the Indian girl!

There'll be furlough all the rest of your life.

[♪♪♪]