Original subtitles

♪ The end of the Civil War Was near ♪

♪ When quite accidentally ♪

♪ A hero who sneezed Abruptly seized ♪

♪ Retreat And reversed it to victory ♪

♪ His Medal of Honor Pleased and thrilled ♪

♪ His proud little Family group ♪

♪ While pinning it on Some blood was spilled ♪

♪ And so it was planned He'd command ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

♪ Where Indian fights Are colorful sights ♪

♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪

♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪

♪ Both turn chicken ♪

♪ When drilling and fighting Get them down ♪

♪ They know their morale Can't droop ♪

♪ As long as they all Relax in town ♪

♪ Before they resume With a bang and a boom ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

Shall I clean the table off now, sir?

No, not now, Dobbs.

Thank you.

Well, I hope the meal was satisfactory, major.

My company cook, Private Smathers,

isn't much, but he's all we have.

Oh, it's passable, captain, passable.

Actually, it's... Well, it's better

than anything I've had in the past few weeks.

Oh, really?

I thought you had a good cook, Major Duncan?

Yes, I did. But, uh...

Colonel Heinz took him from me.

Oh, and, uh, by the way, I'm taking yours.

Oh...

Shall I clean off the floor, sir?

Yes, yes, do that, Dobbs.

Look, major, you can't take another one of my men.

In your last three trips through here,

you took my quartermaster

and my... My clerk and my blacksmith.

Hm, yeah.

And what's to prevent me, captain?

The manual. The manual, sir.

I'll show you. It's... It's right...

Wait, wait, wait.

It's right here in the manual on page... 48.

Ah.

"No company cook may be removed, transferred, commandeered

"or displaced from a fort or base

without a requisition order."

Mm-hm. Yes.

Well, that's very easily solved, captain.

I hereby requisition your cook.

And that's an order.

I'll tell Cookie to pack up.

No need, no need.

He's all ready and waiting, mounted outside.

Bye-bye, captain.

He did it again, Dobbs.

And so did I.

Let me get that for you, sir.

Hello there, captain.

Well, I see he snuck up on you again, sir.

Good afternoon, sergeant.

Are you sure Chief Wild Eagle sent this over

in the spirit of good will?

Oh, yes. The Indians say that a bearskin rug

in the teepee brings good luck, sir.

Except to the bear, of course.

Oh, Dobbs.

Will you go find Corporal Agarn

and tell him I want him over here on the double.

Okay, sergeant.

Well, I just saw Major Duncan riding off with, uh, Cookie.

Oh, yes, yes.

Major Duncan pulled rank again.

Oh. Now I'll have to write

the territorial commander's office for a replacement.

Whoa, no, you won't have to do that, sir.

We have got one of the best cooks

in the cavalry right here at Fort Courage.

Corporal Agarn.

Corporal Agarn?

I don't remember seeing anything in his record

about Agarn being a good cook.

Well, you know how modest he is.

Oh, I don't know, sergeant, I...

But I do know, if it wasn't for Major Duncan,

I wouldn't be in this fix.

Sarge!

Don't move, captain. I'll get it.

No, no! Whoa! Don't, Agarn!

This is the bearskin that Wild Eagle sent over.

There's an old Indian saying, sir:

Never kick a gift bear in the mouth.

What you want me for, sarge?

Oh, yeah. I was just telling the captain

about you being the best cook in the cavalry.

I'm what?

Best cook west of St. Louis, sir.

I'm sure that you'll find him

the perfect replacement for Cookie.

For Cookie?

Well, we need a cook with experience.

Experience?

Have you ever been in a mess hall at Fort Danger, sir?

No, I don't believe so.

Agarn, here, is the man responsible

for all that good food, sir.

He was very popular, sir.

All the wagon drivers used to stop there.

Everyone loved my General Custer special.

Oh, I don't believe I've ever heard of it.

It was a beauty.

Ham on white, surrounded by Indian nuts.

Oh, I remember that one.

Well, all right, sergeant, we have no choice.

We'll give Corporal Agarn a try.

Thank you, captain.

I hope you'll have a surprise for the men

at the evening meal, Agarn.

Oh, they'll be surprised all right, sir.

All right, sarge, what's the big idea?

You know I'm a lousy cook.

It takes me 30 minutes to boil a three-minute egg.

Why do you think they invented cookbooks for?

Come here.

Listen, this is a perfect setup.

With you as Cookie, you'll be in charge of buying the supplies.

So? So we order more than we need.

We use some at the saloon,

we sell the rest to the Hekawis.

Beautiful.

Sarge, I gotta hand it to ya.

When it comes to being shifty and sneaky and double dealing,

you're the tops.

Ah, thanks, Agarn,

but there's always room for improvement.

I'm ready for your meat order, Wild Eagle.

This more important.

Wild Eagle head of Happy Time Council for powwow.

Have to hear one more funny storyteller.

From far-off Catskill Mountains, him called Standup Bull.

How.

Funny thing happened to me on way to Hekawi camp.

Ran into big buffalo.

Turned out to be my mother-in-law. Ha!

Uh, speaking of my family,

take my squaw, please.

Uh, but seriously, tribe, about my brother-in-law.

Him not lazy.

Him too light for heavy work

and him too heavy for light work. Ha!

Laugh up, laugh up, these are the stories.

What this, audience or war council?

I know you're out there. Hear you ughing. Ha!

About my squaw, she very neat.

I get up in dark of night for bowl of water.

When I come back, my buffalo skin is made.

Wa-wa-wa-wa. Wa-wa-wee-wa.

Enough, Standup Bull.

Don't signal us, we signal you.

You were about to give us your meat order, chief.

I suppose you'll want the usual antelope, bear, buffalo.

I like side of beef.

How you like side of hand?

Wild Eagle do ordering here.

One side of beef.

Right, chief.

How about some nice squab?

Maybe six.

Half a dozen skinny little chickens.

Agarn good man, O'Rourke, but have no class.

Yeah, well, if that's all, Wild Eagle,

I guess we'll settle the bill.

I pay you $24 and a handful of beads.

Now, wait a minute. You're out of line.

Seem fair to me.

You people buy entire island of Manhattan for same price.

Oh, it was a lousy deal, chief.

In a hundred years, they won't get a nickel for that place.

Oh, white man very smart about real estate.

Remember when you first come here?

This once entire Hekawi territory.

Then you made treaty.

We divide land.

This part you get, this part we get.

See? Indian always get short end of stick.

Well, Wrangler, I think that's everything.

Plus the 50 pounds of flour, the eight cases of wine...

Oh, yeah. I wanna order a side of beef and six squabs.

Squabs?

You know, them skinny little chickens.

I know what they are, O'Rourke.

It's just that F Troop never ordered them

kind of supplies before.

Yeah, well, Agarn's a great cook.

He makes all them fancy dishes.

Agarn? Since when?

Hey, you finished over there, Agarn?

Please, sarge, don't rush me.

I've only got two hands.

All right, but hurry it up.

I'll wait for you outside.

Wrangler, you better keep an eye on these shopping wagons.

I saw one in the Hekawi camp,

and a scout reported two on top of Pike's Peak.

Well, I'll go around later and pick 'em up in my buckboard.

Muskmelon.

Where ever did you get these, Janey?

I didn't know they were in season.

Oh, very good, sergeant. Ah!

You got supplies for the entire month.

No, no, this is just for one week, sir.

Oh, yes. Agarn is a great cook.

Oh-ho, are the men gonna be surprised

at the dinner he's fixin' for 'em tonight.

My mouth watered just to think about it.

Yes, sir.

Do you mind if I sneak an orange?

No, they just cost... I mean...

Help yourself, sir.

Anything else you need?

Cookbook.

There you go.

Thank you, Janey.

Corporal.

Don't spoil your appetite, captain.

Hi, Jane. Hi, Wilton.

I see you've got some sliced peaches.

I'll take a can.

Careful, Wilton.

Oh! Yeah, of course.

Well, how's it going, Agarn?

Oh, I'm tryin', sarge, I'm tryin'.

But there's one thing I can't figure out.

Hey, what's this you're making?

That's what I can't figure out.

The cookbook says it's oxtail soup.

Yeah, well, it looks to me like it's too much oxtail

and not enough soup.

Oh. Sergeant O'Rourke, I'm glad you're here.

I've just been going over this list of supplies

you bought from Wrangler Jane.

There are some awfully fancy items.

Oh, for a great cook like Agarn here, he...

He needs special supplies, sir.

Well... No, if Corporal Agarn is such a great cook,

why does he need a cookbook?

Uh... Cook...

It's not for me, captain. It's...

It's for the fire.

There's an old saying among the great cooks

that a cookbook in the fire

adds a certain something special

to the meal.

Beautifully put.

W-well, maybe you can explain this item to me.

Thirty geese?

Oh, yes. Well, that's for a new dish

that he's preparing in your honor, sir.

It's called, uh, Stuffed Goose Parmenter.

Oh... that sounds very nice.

What do you stuff the goose with?

What do I stuff it wi... Another goose, sir.

That's why we need so many.

Please, please, please, everybody out.

Too many people poking around my kitchen.

Everybody out, out, out! He's very temperamental, sir.

Yes, I suppose that goes with being a great chef.

Yes. Well, I-I'll... I'm leaving now,

but I'll be back later to join the men for chow.

Wha...? Did you hear that?

He's going to have dinner with us tonight.

What an honor.

The captain's stomach... in my hands.

He's looking forward to it, sir, but we'd better leave him alone.

Yech!

Hey, Agarn.

What is this?

What does it look like, Duffy?

Looks like a recipe for corned beef and cabbage.

You'll be getting it tomorrow.

If I live that long.

Hey, Agarn,

I don't think I can get through this.

Now, don't bug me, Vanderbilt. This is a balanced meal.

Yes, it is. These biscuits weigh as much as the main course.

We can't eat this stuff, Agarn.

Agarn, you are no cook.

How about some good chow?

Yeah, we want a cook around here.

You want us to lose weight?

They're gettin' restless, sarge.

I'll handle this. Now, listen.

Captain Parmenter is comin' here to have dinner with us,

and you're going to enjoy that food if it kills you.

It probably will. Oh, I'll say, I...

And I'll tell you another thing.

The next one of ya that opens his mouth

without puttin' food in it,

is gonna get a very fast transfer to G Troop,

in the heart of Apache territory.

Ten-hut!

Carry on, men.

Carry on.

I'm just here for dinner.

If you don't mind, corporal,

I'd like to sample a little bit of your great cooking.

It's a little rich for me, I guess.

It almost... tastes as if there's an old boot in there.

Sarge, I only took 'em off

'cause I've been on my feet all day.

And the men like this, sergeant?

Oh, yes, sir. They love it. Ha-ha.

All right, men, time for seconds.

I said, time for seconds.

They do seem to enjoy it.

Oh, yes, sir.

Oh, by the way,

I was checking through the manual,

and I assume the meals will conform

to these military standards.

What are the standards, captain?

One, the meal should be nourishing.

Oh, they're nourishing, all right.

Two, they should contain the proper vitamins.

Oh, plenty of vitamins, captain.

Uh, three, they should taste good.

Two out of three ain't bad.

Kill the cook! Kill the cook!

Kill the cook! Kill the cook!

Kill the cook! Kill the cook!

It's only been a week. Give a guy a chance.

Kill the cook!

All right, simmer down, you guys.

I said, simmer down!

Want the captain to hear ya?

What's up, Agarn?

Sarge, I'm about ready to turn in my ladle.

I... I can't take it anymore.

They hate my cooking.

Maybe you'd all like to transfer to G Troop, huh?

Share your lunch with the Apaches.

Oh, yes, and there are some openings

up at H Troop in the Dakota territory.

'Course, they're not eating much up there

because the snow is over their heads!

Now... if any of you have got

a legitimate complaint, sound off.

This steak is tougher than my saddlebag.

I've see mud that'll pour easier than this coffee.

I had to soften these potatoes with my rifle butt.

Sarge, we gotta have a decent meal.

And we're just wasting away to nothing.

That does it, sarge!

Slaving over a hot stove all week,

working my fingers to the bone, and...

this is the thanks I get? I...

I could just cry.

All right, all right. I'll make a deal with you.

I'll get somebody to cook for Agarn.

How's that?

That's fine.

But if you can't, get somebody to eat for us.

Not bad.

Halt!

Do not throw on ground.

Hey, Sparrow Eye.

Throw in there.

Sparrow Eye, you missed pieces of cloth and bark.

Hekawi try to keep America clean.

Oh, whose idea was that?

Squaw Bird.

Crazy Cat's a pretty good cook.

Even though he does cook Indian style.

Why not? Crazy Cat is Indian.

Well, you're right.

All right, it's settled, then.

Crazy Cat'll cook at the fort.

Not interested.

Maybe you interested in fat lip.

Only chief make decisions, and that job not open yet.

Can't blame brave for trying.

I'll pay you $10 a week for him.

Make it $11. Add 10 percent for bad treaty.

Come on, Crazy Cat.

Hey, Crazy Cat.

I'll have some more of that chicken hawk with wine sauce.

Pretty good meal, huh, Duffy?

After choking down that stuff Agarn dished out,

anything would taste good.

Kick a man when he's down, eh, Duffy?

Easy, Cat.

Take it easy on that wine.

You never cooked with it before.

Why? Troopers like it.

Cheers.

Agarn, pluck two more chicken hawks,

look at cornbread in stove

and clear the plates from table.

Don't push me too far, Crazy Cat.

This kitchen ain't big enough for both of us.

Hey, Crazy Cat, how about some more of that hot meat?

Comin' up!

Watch where you serve that food!

Excuse me, corporal, would you pass the arrow, please?

Um, I guess you didn't expect

to see me back this way so soon, eh, Parmenter?

No, sir.

What do you think of the meal, Major Duncan?

Good. Good, very good.

I've always been fond of this Indian style of cooking.

Oh, so that's what it was.

I thought the food had a different flavor.

I'll tell you one thing, Parmenter.

This chow is better than anything Cookie

used to make for me.

Used to make?

What happened to Cookie?

Colonel Heinz took him.

Pulled rank on me again.

I thought he took your last cook.

Yes, he did, but...

You see, General Grizby took him from the colonel.

And then the secretary of war took him from General Grizby,

and the president took him from the secretary of war.

Right now he's back cooking at the White House.

You know, I... understand they're quite partial

to Western-style cooking, back there.

Who's your cook now?

Who's your cook now?

I asked you first.

Captain.

Corporal Agarn.

Ah. He's my cook now.

Oh, now, just a minute, here.

He did it again.

Take me, sir?

You heard me, corporal.

We're moving out against Geronimo.

It'll be at least a six month's campaign.

Now, saddle up, we're leavin' tonight.

Sarge, you can't let him take me.

I'll be gone for six months in Apa-pa-pa...

Apache territory.

Now, don't worry, Agarn,

just let me think for a minute.

There's got to be some nice, logical, dishonest way

to get you out of this mess.

Now, what this about Agarn?

Major Duncan is taking him with him tonight.

We can't let him do that.

Agarn is our partner.

We're all in business together.

You're right, O'Rourke.

Also, I lose $11 deal for loan of Crazy Cat.

Ah-ha.

What you want me to do?

Well, I'll tell you.

But the major is a very high-ranking officer, sir.

Now, he really should stop by the Hekawi camp,

so that they can give him, um, an Indian headdress

and make him an honorary chief.

Hey, it's in the manual, sir.

It is? Hm.

I don't remember seeing anything in the manual about that.

Well, it's in the Hekawi manual, sir.

Oh, really? Yes.

All right, I'll tell the major.

Yes, sir.

Hekawi proud to have high officer of cavalry

honorary chief of tribe.

Now, Captain Parmenter told me this is one your customs,

but I... Heh-heh.

I didn't think I'd have to eat with you.

Part of ceremony.

Anyway, this good chance for you to see

how your new cook, Agarn, cook away from fort.

Begin meal.

Here you are, major.

Mushrooms.

I picked them tonight.

Tonight?

In the dark?

These could be poisonous.

Those are the chances you take, Indian style.

No, I don't think I... care for any mushrooms.

Oh, too bad.

I serve them every night.

Next course.

I know you'll like this, major.

It's one of my specialties.

It's... It's raw fish?

We always serve it this way, Indian style.

Cooking ruins the flavor.

Chief, you're... not eating?

That not part of ceremony.

I'll... I'll pass on the fish too.

Oh. Then try the potatoes.

Ah, well... They look all right.

There's a rock in here.

Of course. A heated rock.

I always bake them from the inside.

Excuse me, major.

Agarn very good.

Learn much from Indian.

You like next course, major.

Ready for hot meat.

Hot meat comin' up!

You're lucky.

Agarn serve with full Indian-style ceremony.

Chief, I, uh... I think I'm on fire.

We prepare teepee for you to stay tonight.

It all ready for you.

Oh.

Wh-what did I fall into?

A hole!

That's just the way we bury our trash,

Indian style.

Oh, there'll be lots of 'em around your tent area.

Sergeant O'Rourke, what are you doing here?

Well, sir, I, uh...

I just came to say goodbye to Corporal Agarn.

Well, I've come to tell Major Duncan

that he can't take Agarn.

I've made up my mind to be firm.

Oh. Yes, sir.

Uh... Wait.

Major.

I've been checking the manual,

and I found a footnote under "Requisition of Personnel."

"No personnel essential to the welfare of a fort

"may be transferred until a suitable replacement

can be found."

So... you can't take Corporal Agarn.

Captain Parmenter,

you can take Corporal Agarn, and...

And you can keep him.

I'm heading for the Apache territory,

where I stand half a chance of survival.

I should have spoken up sooner, Agarn.

All I had to do is be firm.

Chief, thank you for your hospitality to the major.

Not think much of major.

Indian not like man who eat and run.

Ah. Well, Cookie's back,

and we lose our nice little setup.

How come Colonel Heinz let him go?

Colonel Heinz's cook got sent back to him,

the one that was cooking for the president.

He got sent back for writing his memoirs,

My Ten Days in the White House.

Well, something good came out of it anyway.

Yeah. I know.

We don't have to eat your cookin' anymore.

No, sarge.

I gave him the benefit of my experience.

Hey, Cookie, how about the hot meat?

Thanks, Cookie!