Original subtitles

♪ The end of the Civil War Was near ♪

♪ When quite accidentally ♪

♪ A hero who sneezed Abruptly seized ♪

♪ Retreat And reversed it to victory ♪

♪ His Medal of Honor Pleased and thrilled ♪

♪ His proud little Family group ♪

♪ While pinning it on Some blood was spilled ♪

♪ And so it was planned He'd command ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

♪ Where Indian fights Are colorful sights ♪

♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪

♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪

♪ Both turn chicken ♪

♪ When drilling and fighting Get them down ♪

♪ They know their morale Can't droop ♪

♪ As long as they all Relax in town ♪

♪ Before they resume With a bang and a boom ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

Do you have any complaints you'd like to register, soldier?

No, sir. None at all, captain.

Captain?

I'm a colonel, soldier.

Can't you see this eagle on my shoulder?

He couldn't see an elephant on his shoulder.

Oh, yes, sir.

That's some sort of bird, all right.

What kind of duty does this man have?

He's our lookout, sir.

Your lookout?

And he couldn't even see this eagle on my shoulder?

Well, in all fairness, colonel,

the fort has never been attacked by eagles.

Actually, sir, the man is farsighted.

He can see the Indians when they come over the hill

and then when they get near the fort

he puts on his reading glasses.

Make a note of that, Harlow.

Yes, sir.

If there is any complaint on your mind, soldier,

now is the time to speak up.

What kind of duty does this man have, captain?

He's our interpreter, sir.

Who's his interpreter?

I am, sir.

Dankeschön, Duffy.

Gesundheit!

Make a note of that, Harlow.

Any complaints from you, soldier?

What's that, sir?

Could you speak up a little bit?

I said...!

That's quite a troop you have here.

One sees no evil, one speaks no evil

and one hears no evil.

It's not Duddleson's fault, sir.

He gets that way from standing close to me

when I blow my bugle.

Dobbs is an exceptionally loud bugler,

wouldn't you say, colonel?

What's that?

I said,

Dobbs is an exceptionally loud bugler.

Yes, yes, yes. Make a note of that, Harlow.

What's that, sir?

I said, make a note of that, Harlow!

Would the colonel like to inspect

the enlisted men's quarters or the corral next, sir?

Oh, you won't find any complaints there, colonel.

We have 20 contented head of horses.

And 20 contented tails too, sir.

No, we're finished here.

We have two more forts in the territory

that we have to inspect.

Well, I hope you found everything in order, sir.

This is a confidential report, captain.

You'll get the results from Headquarters.

Right, sir.

Troop!

Present arms!

Order arms!

All right, troop dismissed!

What's going on, sir?

That's the third inspection we've had this week.

There must be something happening at Headquarters.

You're right, sergeant.

And I wish I knew what it was.

Mr. Secretary, here are the reports

on the Cavalry post inspections.

Good, good.

And which post gets the citation?

Fort Doge? Logan?

No, sir.

Fort Courage.

Fort Courage.

F Troop?!

Yes, sir.

That outfit with the loud bugler?

The last time I was there, I couldn't hear for a week.

Sir, the reports clearly indicate

that of all the Cavalry forts in the territory,

F Troop has the highest morale.

Compared to what?

See for yourself, sir.

I can't believe it.

They're a bunch of misfits.

Why, the Army sent them out there

hoping they'd all desert.

Rider approaching the fort!

Vanderbilt, what's that rider look like?

He looks like another inspecting officer.

Yeah, I thought so. Go tell the captain.

Right, sarge.

Hey, Dobbs, blow "Assembly."

Captain Parmenter!

What is it, corporal?

Vanderbilt spotted a rider coming.

Says it's another inspecting officer.

What? Oh, here, hold this.

Captain.

I'm hurrying just as fast as I can, corporal.

But, captain... There, I'm ready. Let's go.

But, captain... What is it?

Just wanted to know what I should do with these horns.

Just put them down, corporal.

Afraid you ain't got time to change your pants, captain.

I know that, I know that.

Troop! Ten-hut!

F Troop all present and accounted for, sir.

Good work, sergeant. Whoa.

Wilton, a telegram just came in for you.

Jane, not now.

We're going to have an inspection any minute.

Vanderbilt, how close is that rider now?

That's him, right next to you on the horse.

May I suggest that you court-martial Vanderbilt?

Now, now, Agarn. He's doing his best.

Well, at least court-martial his glasses.

Want me to dismiss the troop, sir?

I think they might wanna hear what's in this telegram.

Jane, I'm the commander of this fort

and I'll give the orders.

It's from the War Department.

They're giving you a citation.

A citation?

Let me see that. Oh.

You shouldn't be ashamed of those legs, Wilton.

They're very nice.

Janey, I told you, not in front of the men.

What does it say, sir?

Oh, this is really good news.

I want all the men to hear this.

Men, I have just received

this wire from the Secretary of War.

It says that F Troop is going to receive a citation

for having the finest morale of any Cavalry post

in the territory.

What's "morale" mean, captain?

That's what it means, Duddleson.

What it means is that we have a happy fort.

No AWOLs, no requests for transfer,

no letters of complaint to the Inspector General

and a 100 percent reenlistment record.

Why... even your horses want another hitch.

You see, that's a play on words.

As you know, a hitch is an enlistment in the Army

and then you hitch your horse

to a... A hitching rail.

Those subtle jokes take a little while to sink in.

Yes, well, that one certainly sank, sir.

This is a very high honor,

and I want to congratulate all of you men.

Sergeant, the Secretary of War will be arriving in two days

and I'll expect you to have the troop smartly turned out

for the ceremony.

Right, sir.

Troop!

Dismissed!

Congratulations, captain.

I'm sure this will mean promotion for you.

Oh, I can't take all the credit, corporal.

You and Sergeant O'Rourke are also responsible

for the high morale we have.

No, sir, no, sir.

Uh, the commanding officer is always the one responsible

for a happy fort, sir.

That's right.

We wanna be happy, but we can't be happy

till we can make you happy too.

Thank you.

Come on, Agarn.

Come on, Wilton.

I'll sew up them pants before you catch cold.

Janey, not in front of the men.

Sarge, I can't believe we're gonna get that citation.

Well, nobody ever wrote a letter of complaint,

because most of these guys can't write.

Hoffenmueller was the only one

who ever wrote a letter of complaint,

and he wrote that one to the Kaiser.

And he got an answer.

What are we doing in here, sarge?

We finished inventory.

No, no, the Secretary of War is coming

and we've gotta get all these souvenirs out of here

and up to the Hekawi camp until he leaves.

I get it.

Right, now, you start packing the boxes

and as soon as the captain leaves the post,

you take them all up to the Hekawis, right?

Right, sarge.

Ain't you gonna help me, sarge?

Well, I gotta check the saloon.

Why do I always have to do the heavy work?

Why can't I check the saloon and you pack the souvenirs?

May I remind you that in O'Rourke Enterprises

I am the brains and you are the brawn.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I happen to have very brawny brains.

I am telling you for the last time,

start packing those boxes.

And I'll tell you one thing, sarge:

O'Rourke Enterprises ain't never gonna get

no citation for morale.

And I'll tell you one thing:

If you don't start packing those boxes,

you're going to be the first one to benefit

from my company's medical plan.

I'm warning you, sarge.

One more word and I resign as vice president

of O'Rourke Enterprises.

Give me the clue. What is the word?

That does it. I quit.

You can't, you gotta give me a week's notice.

All right, I'm giving you one week's notice and then I quit.

In the meantime, pack the boxes.

And another thing, O'Rourke.

Now what?

Don't ever speak to me again.

It will be my pleasure.

You spoke to me.

Is the fire ready, Little Fox?

Yes, chief.

Got blanket for signal?

Yes, chief.

Good.

Want to send letter.

Write this down:

"This letter going to my old friend,

"Big Chief Who Huntum Skunk.

"Would like to make deal with you.

"Need six buffalo skins.

"Will trade clean, late-model canoe,

"once owned by two little old Hekawi squaws

"who used it only to paddle to the laundry and back.

My best to the little squaw."

Sign my name.

This pretty long letter, chief.

Will need more firewood.

Hey, Crazy Cat!

Yes, chief?

Little Fox needs more wood on fire to send letter.

Go chop some.

Me, chop wood?

But I'm assistant chief.

Why you always want me to do the heavy work?

Because you strong like horse.

Not smart like horse, but strong like him.

You very hostile Indian.

Start chopping or I throw you into quicksand.

How about that for hostile?

Whoa!

Hey, Wild Eagle, I want you to do me a favor.

Forget it, O'Rourke.

You know deal on souvenirs.

Cash on delivery.

No exchanges. No returns.

No, you don't understand,

I just wanna store this stuff here for a couple of days.

We're getting a visit from the Secretary of War.

Secretary of War?

You try tell us something, O'Rourke?

Relax, relax, will you?

He's just coming out to give F Troop a citation

for having the highest morale of any post in the territory.

What means "morale," sergeant?

The, uh, general attitude of the men.

It seems that we have a fort full of happy troopers.

Ha!

What is matter with you, Agarn?

He's trying to tell you that he is unhappy.

Captain Parmenter give you bad time?

No, no, no, no. Captain Parmenter's a doll.

I'm just getting a bad time from a certain sergeant I know.

That's me.

Chief, would you tell that certain sergeant

we'd better unload the souvenirs so we can get back to the fort.

Why you not tell him yourself?

Him sitting right there.

My assistant and I are not talking to each other.

Should happen to me.

What happened?

It seems he feels that

an executive shouldn't be asked

to do any of the heavy work.

Me agree with Corporal Agarn.

Another executive heard from.

Don't tell me you're being pushed around too, Crazy Cat.

Yes, Wild Eagle want me, assistant chief, chop wood.

Chief, you can't ask a man like Crazy Cat to do that.

Agarn, keep your nose out of their business.

Is that a voice I heard somewhere?

Wild Eagle, tell Agarn

I said to keep his nose out of your business.

Sergeant O'Rourke say you keep your nose out of my business.

Chief, you tell Sergeant O'Rourke

I'll stick my nose anywhere I want to.

See, Wild Eagle, that's our problem,

we have treated them too good.

That what I get for being Mr. Nice Guy.

I tell you, chief, you not get me chop wood.

If you not chop wood,

I get new assistant chief.

Get new assistant chief. I turn in my feather.

I accept, if you promise never speak to me again.

Corporal, tell chief that is promise.

Chief, that is promise.

Good.

Little Fox.

Let's see how this feather looks on you.

Oh, Wild Eagle,

tell Agarn as soon as I get this stuff unloaded,

I'm going back to the fort.

Hyah! Here we go.

You think I did the right thing, Agarn?

Sure you did.

We can't let 'em push us around.

You're right.

Of course.

Don't worry about a thing, Craze.

Agarn.

Yeah, Craze?

Let me know if you happen to hear of an opening

for an assistant Indian chief.

I'll keep my eyes open.

Oh, Corporal Agarn, I was just looking for you.

What's up, Dobbs?

Uh, Captain Parmenter wants to see you

and Sergeant O'Rourke in his office right away.

Just a little higher, Duffy.

We wanna make sure those horns are not at pants level.

I know what you mean, sir.

Sergeant O'Rourke, Corporal Agarn reporting as ordered, sir.

Oh, at ease.

You can put those down, Duffy.

Yes, sir.

Now,

it has come to my attention that you men

are not talking to each other.

What seems to be the problem?

Who'd tell you a thing like that, sir?

I told the captain.

You've got a loud bugle and a mouth to match.

You can't talk to me like that, Agarn.

He can talk to you any way he pleases.

Now, wait a minute, men.

The minute you hear something,

you go running right to the captain.

Well, I just thought it was stupid

for two friends not to be talking.

Who are you calling stupid?

Well, I'll tell you one thing:

I may be stupid, but I'm smart enough

never to talk to you again.

And that goes for me too.

Gentlemen, gentlemen.

We can't have non-commissioned officers not talking

to each other and not talking to the men under them.

Look, Agarn, no soldier ever has a good enough reason

not to talk to his buddies.

Captain Parmenter. Yes, corporal?

Would you tell Private Duffy I just found a good reason

never to talk to him again.

I'm still talking to you, Duffy.

Well, I ain't talking to no man who comes running

to the captain over a little thing like this.

Hi, Wilton.

Janey, please, not now,

we've got something very important to settle here.

Oh, you mean about O'Rourke and Agarn not talking.

Yes. Who told you that?

Duddleson told me that Dobbs told him.

I'm never going to speak to that big mouth Duddleson again

as long as I live.

Dobbs, I think you're not talking

to enough people already.

I don't blame Agarn.

No man likes to be pushed around.

Janey, I don't think you ought to get mixed up in this.

Sergeant O'Rourke is absolutely right.

This is strictly a military matter.

Well, I wouldn't say that. It's all over town.

It is? Yes.

Even Otto Schnellheimer, the butcher,

heard it from Hoffenmueller.

Oh, we've got to put a stop to this right now.

Remember men, tomorrow we're getting a citation

for having the highest morale.

Well, I think this whole thing could be settled

if O'Rourke would just apologize to Corporal Agarn.

Apologize to him? Not in a million years.

Janey, we don't need a woman's touch around the fort.

Afraid a little old woman's liable

to solve your problem for you?

No, no, I'm not afraid of that,

because women only make problems,

they don't solve them.

I suppose you're saying that I make problems for you.

Yes, you do.

Well, I ain't never gonna make a problem for you, Wilton,

'cause I ain't never gonna speak to you again.

Now, wait a minute, Janey.

It ain't right for you two to get into a fight

because of us.

No man's gonna talk that way to me.

Yeah, well, it's about time someone did.

Agarn, you tell O'Rourke that I ain't never gonna

speak to him either.

I'd love to, but I ain't speaking to him.

Wait a minute, everybody.

Now, we've got to settle this

like intelligent, mature men.

Tell Captain Parmenter that I'm a woman.

Captain Parmenter, Janey says she's a woman.

I know that, I know that.

Now, I'm just going to sit here, quietly...

while you all settle your differences.

Janey, will you tell Sergeant O'Rourke

if he's willing to apologize, I'll accept it.

Well, I ain't talking to him.

Duffy, you're talking to O'Rourke, ain't you?

Yes, but I'm not talking to you.

Oh, well.

Wrangler, will you tell Duffy to tell O'Rourke

if he's willing to apologize, I'll accept it.

O'Rourke, Agarn says... All right.

Who's talking to me that's talking to Agarn

that's not talking to Duffy and Dobbs?

I'm talking to Duffy.

Oh, no, you ain't.

Are you calling me a liar?

Are you calling me a liar?

Well, if you're calling me a liar,

don't ever speak to me again.

This is hopeless.

Now, we're not going to get anywhere,

so I'm just going to have to be firm.

Now, just because some of you are having personal problems

is no reason the entire troop should suffer.

So, I'm ordering all of you to talk to each other.

At least during the time

that the Secretary of War will be here tomorrow.

Troop!

Ten-hut!

Men of F Troop,

it gives me great pleasure to award you this citation

from the War Department

for the most outstanding morale of any fort in the territory.

Under the existing difficult living conditions,

surrounded by hostile Indians, it is a very high honor indeed.

Captain Parmenter, I congratulate you

and the men of your splendid troop.

On behalf of the men of F Troop, Mr. Secretary,

I thank you for this high honor.

Now, captain, we take our leave of you.

Keep up the good work.

Present arms!

Order arms!

At ease, men.

I wanna have a word with you.

First, I'd like to thank all of you

for conducting yourselves so well

in front of the Secretary of War.

Now, in the past few days, as you know,

we've had our little differences,

but now that we've received the citation,

I think we should all try to live up to the...

Wilton.

Janey, please, I'm speaking to my men

and I don't want to be interrupted

while I'm trying to get this thing straightened out.

Agarn, tell Captain Parmenter...

Janey, don't start that again.

You heard the captain, get your buckskins out of here.

Now, hold it, Duffy,

you can't talk to Janey like that.

He can talk to her any way he wants to.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Attention!

Back so soon, Mr. Secretary?

Yes, I forgot something.

Oh, what was that?

I forgot to give you the citation.

Oh, well, you didn't have to come back for that,

it's the thought that counts.

Oh, there's no use

trying to pull the wool over my eyes, captain.

I saw your men at each other's throats

the moment I left the fort.

But, Mr. Secretary...

I should have known better

than to listen to you, Jenkins.

But, sir, I... You haven't given me

a proper report in two years.

Mr. Secretary, all my reports were verified

by the Inspector General.

Ha! A child could make out a better report.

You're going too far, Mr. Secretary.

One more word and you can have my resignation.

Give me a clue. What is the word?

That does it.

You have one week's notice.

Good.

Then I'll thank you not to speak to me

on the long trip back to Washington.

Uh, Mr. Secretary?

Yes?

The citation.

You don't think I'm...

going to give a citation to that motley troop.

Mr. Secretary, you certainly have the right

not to give us the citation,

but this is not a motley troop.

Oh, no, sir.

We may have had our differences from time to time,

but this is the finest troop in the United States Cavalry.

And I'm proud to be their commanding officer.

Oh, captain, you need attention.

Drive on!

I'm proud of you, Wilton.

And I'm sorry I helped stir up the fuss.

Janey, I've told you, not in front of the men.

Captain, I want to apologize.

If it wasn't for me, we'd have gotten that citation.

Oh, now, wait a minute,

I'm just as much to blame as you are, Agarn.

It was... Well, it was really all my fault.

Hey, Dobbs?

How about meeting me in town later for a beer?

I'd like that, Duffy.

But only if you'll tell me the story about the Alamo again.

Well, there was me and ol' Jim Bowie...

Come on, Jane.

Everything's back to normal now.

But I tell you, sarge...

Forget it now, will ya?

We'll discuss it over a nice, cold glass of beer.

Good idea, sarge.

And I got a little chore I want you to do

for O'Rourke Enterprises.

What's that, sarge?

You drive the buckboard

while I load up them souvenirs

up at the Hekawi camp.

Aw, sarge. Wait a minute.

Troop dismissed!

Come on, let's get a beer.

Whoa!

Hello, O'Rourke.

You come for souvenirs?

That's right. The Secretary of War's...

I'm sorry, sarge. You tell him.

No, no, now, you go ahead and tell him.

I insist.

You two talking to each other again?

Yeah, we're back to being buddies.

And we think you ought to give Crazy Cat back his feather.

Argh!

Nothing personal, Little Fox.

Somebody mention my name?

Go on now, Wild Eagle.

All right, but I'll hate myself in the morning.

There.

You back to being my assistant chief.

Aww.

Isn't that nice?

Good move, Wild Eagle.

Now you can go happily to last big buffalo hunt in sky.

Again, you starting with buffalo hunt in the sky!

Oh, nice going, chief.

It takes a big man to do that.

And Crazy Cat's a big man for accepting it.

Of course, the chief is a bigger man than he is.

Oh, really?

Then I suppose you think that makes you

a bigger man than I am.

Well, as long as you wanna put it that way, yes.

Chief, will you tell Sergeant O'Rourke

I'm giving him my one week's notice.

Chief, will you tell Agarn

that I'm giving him 10 minute's notice.