Original subtitles

♪ The end of the Civil War Was near ♪

♪ When quite accidentally ♪

♪ A hero who sneezed Abruptly seized ♪

♪ Retreat and reversed it To victory ♪

♪ His Medal of Honor Pleased and thrilled ♪

♪ His proud little Family group ♪

♪ While pinning it on Some blood was spilled ♪

♪ And so it was planned He'd command ♪

♪ F Troop ♪

♪ Where Indian fights Are colorful sights ♪

♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪

♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪

♪ Both turn chicken ♪

♪ When drilling and fighting Get them down ♪

♪ They know their morale Can't droop ♪

♪ As long as they all Relax in town ♪

♪ Before they resume With a bang and a boom ♪

♪ F Troop ♪

How nice of you to join us, Dobbs.

All right, sound retreat, Dobbs.

Uh, I can't, sir.

I-I can't find my bugle.

Okay, okay.

Which one of you hid Dobbs' bugle?

Men, we can't have retreat without a bugle.

All right, let's all go and search for it.

You heard the captain.

And you stay with him so you don't get lost.

Hey, sarge, guess who's in town?

Who? "Cannonball."

Cannonball Bill McCormick, our old captain?

Right. Where is he?

He's over at the saloon, just passing through.

Well, what do you know? Cannonball Bill McCormick.

F Troop's very first captain.

Eh. Remember what a ramrod he was

when he first came to the fort?

Heh-heh. Yeah, but I also remember

we bent him up pretty good before he left.

All right, here we are.

Now let's have a toast to our old captain,

Bill McCormick.

Thanks, fellas.

We certainly did have some good times

in the old days, captain.

Oh, yeah!

You remember the time we put glue in your hat

and we had to call the blacksmith

to get his hat off his head?

Hoh! Hey!

And how about the time we put grease

on your saddle and you slid off the horse

in front of the Inspector General?

Y-You fellas really played some tricks on me.

Remember the time when your enlistments were all up?

Yeah. Yeah.

And I swore you in for another two-year hitch?

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

The thing you didn't know was that...

That I was retired the day before that.

Ha-ha-ha!

You were sworn in by a civilian!

Wait a minute. Wait a minute!

You mean, you weren't in the Army

when you swore us in?

That's right. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Well, that means that we ain't in the Army either.

You mean, we're civilians?

Yeah, That's right.

Well, I better be on my way.

So long, civilians!

Ah-ha-ha-ha!

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

What are we gonna do?

Well, it's simple, we just go tell Captain Parmenter

what happened and we'll re-enlist.

That's what...

That's exactly what we won't do.

Hm? Come here.

Come here.

You got that look in your eyes, sarge.

Think, Agarn.

If we can get one month as civilians,

just four little weeks,

we can make O'Rourke Enterprises the biggest thing in the West.

You wanna leave Fort Courage? Leave the captain?

No, no. Just long enough to make a fortune.

Four little weeks, that's all we need.

The... Here.

Heh-heh.

How do I look, huh?

Like a dude, sarge.

Attention!

You and your men are out of uniform, sergeant.

No, it's not "sergeant" anymore, sir,

it's "Mr. O'Rourke"

I don't understand. Corporal...

And it's not "corporal" anymore. It's just plain "Mr. Agarn."

And I'd like you to meet Mr. Hoffenmueller,

Mr. Dobbs, Mr. Duddleson.

Happy to know you, Mr. Duddle... W-Wait a minute.

Oh, now, gentlemen, I'm sorry, but the only one

called "mister" in the Army is our Commander in Chief.

He's "Mr. President."

I'm afraid I can't call you "Mister."

That's just the point, sir, we're not in the Army,

As a matter of fact, we haven't been for the last 20 months.

You haven't?

No, sir, you see, 20 months ago

when Captain McCormick re-enlisted us,

he wasn't in the Army.

Well, come on, Agarn. Let's turn in our equipment.

Why do you go through all this, Wilton?

There ain't nobody here but you and me.

I'm still in the Army, Janey, and I must observe regulations.

One moment, please. I have to dismiss myself.

Troop dismissed!

Well, what are you gonna do now?

Well, it's my duty to stay here and guard the fort

until Washington can send out replacements for F Troop.

See, I can't understand why they'd want to leave.

You know, out of the Army, unemployed,

Their lives must be so dull, so empty.

What you gonna do, honey?

You going to leave Fort Courage?

Oh, yeah, I'm goi" into show business.

I'm gonna play for one of them big Eastern orchestras.

Them symphony orchestras.

How about you?

Oh, I go to Vienna, open a brewery.

If you have just one customer like yourself,

you'll get rich.

What are you gonna do, Vanderbilt?

I'm going to medical school. I'm gonna be a surgeon.

And I'm gonna take a nap for a month.

Oh!

I'm goin' to California and prospect for gold.

Eight men of the troop are goin' with me:

Hogan, Ryan, Johnson...

Ah, well, now.

Greetings, fellow citizens.

Y'all look like a page out of a mail-order catalog.

Look at that stickpin.

It's bright enough to be a readin' lamp.

Congratulate us, gentlemen. Congratulate us.

Agarn and me here has just formed

the International Trading Corporation.

And I am the vice president.

True, true, true.

You are witnessing the beginning of an industrial empire,

This here saloon is just the start.

Our emporium will soon open across the street.

And this is only the beginning, folks.

Our empire will stretch all the way

from Bear's Head Junction to Hogshead Gulch.

We will be bigger than Wells Fargo.

Ah, yes, and you are fortunate, gentlemen. Fortunate, indeed.

Because our very first project will be to supply

the finest first-class, custom-made gentleman's suits

west of the Big Muddy, now that you are all civilians.

Sarge. What?

We got the last two suits in town. Who's gonna make 'em?

Shh.

Double-breasted herring bone suits

with a belt in the back? Now, wait a minute!

There's nothing to worry about, Wild Eagle.

You supply the labor, we supply the material,

and we split, fifty-fifty.

I know your split.

Your fifty-fifty end up eighty-twenty.

This time, put it in writing.

I sign.

You sign?

Me still chief.

You run pony wash.

And don't wash on rainy day, get all muddy again.

Wild Eagle, we've got half a dozen orders for you already.

Let 'em work all night, we'll pay overtime.

Me set up clothing business.

Same like blankets, only put in sleeves.

Same like moccasins you make last year?

Fifty-four moccasins, all for right foot.

All right, now, will you two stop jawin'?

Here.

What that?

Well, it's a down payment on the suits.

Those are solid gold pieces.

"Good for one horse-car ride,

Kansas City Transit System"?

And I thought you said he couldn't read.

Ah-ha-ha-ha, Here we are.

The finest wool from happy sheep raised on first-class alfalfa.

There we go, what a lovely...

Beau-ti-ful! Beau-ti-ful!

It makes you look young and thin.

Don't you think it's kinda small and short?

It's the very latest thing.

You can wash your hands without taking your jacket off.

But it's so tight. I can't move my arms.

How about that?

Yeah, well, this is called the "vent-o-back,"

It keeps you cool in the summer.

Give the man the $15, Vanderbilt. That's fine.

And away we go.

All right, there we go. Next in line, please.

Ah-ha, look at this...

Seems kinda big, don't it?

Ah, button it, Dobbs, button it.

Oh, you are a picture of splendor!

Look at this here now, Agarn...

The sleeves are too long.

Look at that fit. Trim and slim for the spring, right?

Ha-ha-ha. Sleeves too long?

That is the newest thing we have.

In the wintertime, you see, you don't need gloves.

Sarge, this suit's big as a tent!

Look at it this way, Dobbs. A home away from home!

Fifteen bucks.

That's it, give him that. That's a good boy.

There we... All right, next in line. Here we go now.

What's wrong with these pants?

What's wrong with those pants?

Do you see anything wrong with those pants?

No. Let's ask an impartial judge.

What do you think, sarge?

I think they're too good for him.

They're so tight, I can't even walk!

You're not in the Army no more.

How much walkin' do you do?

That's right, give the man the $15.

That's it, Duffy. That's a good boy.

Ha, on the table. On the table.

Here we go, take our first step now.

You just gotta break 'em in. Come on, walk.

Walk, walk, walk, walk.

Another satisfied customer.

"Uh, so I regret to report "entire F Troop

"claims illegal re-enlistment,

"have abandoned Fort Courage,

"leaving only yours truly,

Captain Wilton Parmenter."

Oh, and Jane.

Yes, Wilton?

Just to make sure the Shugs never find out

I'm alone at the fort, here's our codebook.

You better send the message in code.

Sasa, boom, boom.

Get those bags up there, Agarn.

That a boy. That's the way.

Here we go, right up there.

A special spot for ya. Here, wait a minute.

Up. Aagh!

There we go. All right.

Well, we'll see ya later, captain.

We're goin' to Dodge City for the weekend!

The first civilian weekend in two years!

Now, be careful, men.

You know, a big city like that

has a dance hall that's open till 9:00,

and it's full of wine, women and song.

Yeah!

Don't worry about a thing, captain,

I hate music!

All right, take it away!

Hey! Hey!

Any time you're ready!

- See ya! - Goodbye!

Well, Wilton, we're alone at last.

Uh-huh.

Isn't it romantic?

Yes.

What do you wanna to do?

Well, I guess I'll polish the cannon.

Oh. Well, I'll help.

No, no, no, no.

Section six, article four states that government property

can only be handled by Army personnel.

Oh. Sorry.

Is there anything in the regulations

about kissing your girlfriend

while you're polishing the cannon?

Captain!

Captain!

Captain Parmenter. Yes?

The Shugs are on the warpath, headin' this way!

They're already through Ladera Pass.

To the parapets, men!

Prepare for battle! Sound the attack, Dobbs!

Dobbs?!

Oh, I forgot.

I hope that sounded like "attack."

Uh, you guard the gate.

No, you guard the gate.

Hyah!

That man needs medical attention.

If he'll settle for a Shug medicine man

one ought to be along in about 30 minutes.

With a few hundred friends!

Wilton, as soon as they know it's just you and me

they'll charge us from every direction.

Oh, we'd hold 'em off if only I had Sergeant O'Rourke

and Corporal Agarn and a few of my men. If we...

Jane, I want you to leave the fort immediately.

Oh, wait a second.

What is it, Wilton? Look!

There's our men!

There's F Troop!

Wilton, I think you been polishin' that cannon

in the sun too long.

No F Troop, huh? There will be.

Well, how does it look, Jane?

Just like we got a whole fort full of soldiers.

These here dressmakin' dummies from the store

sure come in handy.

Here they come, Wilton!

All right, sound the attack!

I must be using slow bullets.

Did you see how long it took to reach him?

You'd do that to Duddleson?

You'll pay for that!

They're retreatin', Wilton! They're retreatin'!

So they are!

Hee-hee-hee. Cease fire, men!

Cease fire!

Oh, my, look.

Look what they did to O'Rourke's uniform.

We beat 'em, Wilton! We beat 'em! Just you and me!

Well, what do you say, Wilton?

Oh, Wilton.

We'd better send another wire about those replacements, Janey.

We beat them off last week, but one thing about those Shugs

is that they always come back.

Well, I better go send that wire.

Goodbye, F Troop.

Beggin' your captain's pardon.

Yes, what is it, Dobbs?

Dobbs! I thought you were back in Dodge City!

Well, I came back.

I forgot my bugle.

Oh, well, there it is.

Thank you, sir.

Er, captain, would you do me a favor?

Why, certainly. Certainly, Dobbs.

Before I go, could I play reveille one more time?

Why, of course.

I love this old bugle, sir.

I did buy a new one in Dodge City.

I got me a tryout for a symphony orchestra.

Oh, isn't that nice. How did you make out?

I don't know.

I shut my eyes to reach up for a high note

and when I opened 'em, I was out on the sidewalk.

Well, didn't you try playing "Swanee River" for them?

Yes, sir. But it sounded like reveille.

I guess I belong back in the Army.

Blowin' the bugle for F Troop,

and you, captain.

You mean you... You want to re-enlist, Dobbs?

Yes, sir.

Oh-oh-oh, it's good to have you back.

Now, if you'll just fill out this form

and return it to me signed, I'll administer the oath.

Oh. Sorry.

Well, I guess that makes it official.

Well,

maybe Dobbs and I won't have to fight alone.

And we do swear to uphold the Constitution

and the regulations of the United States Army.

I do, sir. Yes, sir.

It's good to have you back, Vanderbilt, Duddleson.

You, too, Hoffenmueller.

Jawohl, Herr Kapitän!

Nice to be back with you, sir.

Oh, by the way, is the mess hall open?

Yes, as a matter of fact, I made a nice beef stew.

Thank you, sir. Danke schön.

Is payday still Friday, sir?

Well, it's next Friday, why?

Could you use an advance, Vanderbilt?

Oh, no, captain. Borrowing is charity.

Could you spare $10 till Friday?

I sure missed you, sir.

Vanderbilt, you knucklehead!

Hello, captain.

Why, Duffy!

Did you find any gold?

Not a speck.

We panned two wagonloads of gravel. Nothing.

Hogan here did most of the panning.

Captain,

if you'll have us back, sir, we'd like to re-enlist.

I'd be glad to swear you back in.

Oh, by the way,

how is business with Sergeant O'Rourke

and Corporal Agarn?

They're doin' great.

They're big executives now.

What kind of a job is this for the vice president

of the International Trading Corporation?

Somebody's gotta do it. Everybody else has re-enlisted.

Surely you wouldn't want me to do it.

I mean, I'm the president.

Where's Captain Parmenter? What?

Watch it, I just washed over there!

Comin' in here with your muddy feet.

Where is he? I gotta find him. He's not in his office.

What's the trouble? The Shugs.

They're planning another attack.

They're bringin' the Apaches and the Comanches.

I gotta find the captain!

Never mind the captain, you need a doctor!

The Apache! The Comanche! The Shugs!

They'll wipe out F Troop!

Agarn, back in uniform!

Right, sarge!

Count us in, captain. We'd like to give a hand, sir.

Oh, good, good, we need all the men we can find.

Yeah, we heard there's 300 Injuns comin'.

So, what about it? There's 15 of us, isn't there.

At the Alamo we were outnumbered 100 to one!

Uh, we lost that one, Duffy.

Yeah, well, we won't lose this one, sir!

No. Now, if you'll just fill out these forms,

I'll administer the oath.

Well, we don't wanna get back in the Army just yet, captain.

We... We just wanna give you a hand against them Shugs.

You're not re-enlisting?

Oh, but gentlemen, section seven, article five

states that no unauthorized personnel may wear that uniform.

Well, couldn't you just re-enlist us for one battle?

Yeah, just like for overnight, sir.

No, no, no.

Section seven, article three states that re-enlistment

must be for a term of not less than two years.

Well,

there goes the International Trading Corporation.

Hold it, Agarn.

Sorry, sir, but, well...

I guess we'll have to be on our way.

Oh, wait a minute.

Men, are you sure you won't sign up?

No.

Come one, Agarn. Turn in your uniform.

Captain, two Indians are approaching!

Prepare to fire!

No, wait, wait!

They're carrying a white flag, sir!

Oh, hold your fire, men!

Open the gate, but be on the alert!

Greetings, we bring greetings.

Uh, greetings.

We bring gift for brave captain.

Careful, captain. Might be a trick.

This no trick.

This real thing.

Why, he... He's the chief of the Shugs!

You sure it ain't a trick?

No trick. Gift from Sergeant O'Rourke.

And Corporal Agarn!

Sergeant O'Rourke!

Corporal Agarn!

How did you ever capture the chief?

Well, the International Trading Corporation can handle anything,

including disguises and a little kidnapping.

The Shugs won't attack the fort

as long as we're holdin' this chief as a hostage.

Take him away!

We figured that'd give you the time to get reinforcements.

Well, this will mean a special citation for bravery

for both of you.

But, sir, how can you give a military citation

to a couple of civilians?

Oh. Yes, I forgot.

Section 21, article seven prohibits that.

Don't worry about a thing, as soon as he re-enlists us,

you'll be Corporal Agarn and I'll be Sergeant O'Rourke.

Right, sarge!

Well, sound assembly, Dobbs.

All right, now. Let's look alive, here.

Come on, get in some kind of a line.

Remember we're soldiers.

All right, down off of that parapet.

Shape up there, Duddleson.

All right. Atten-hut!

F Troop all present and accounted for, sir.

So I see, sergeant.

So I see.

Hey, soldier. Get outta that suit.

You're back in the Army now, put on a uniform.

Uh, just a minute there, soldier.

You're out of uniform.

Hey!

Oona poona mala goona.