Original subtitles

♪ The end of the Civil War Was near ♪

♪ When quite accidentally ♪

♪ A hero who sneezed Abruptly seized ♪

♪ Retreat And reversed it to victory ♪

♪ His Medal of Honor Pleased and thrilled ♪

♪ His proud little Family group ♪

♪ While pinning it on Some blood was spilled ♪

♪ And so it was planned He'd command ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

♪ Where Indian fights Are colorful sights ♪

♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪

♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪

♪ Both turn chicken ♪

♪ When drilling and fighting Get them down ♪

♪ They know their morale Can't droop ♪

♪ As long as they all Relax in town ♪

♪ Before they resume With a bang and a boom ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

The injuns!

Injun attack!

Indian? Hey.

Oh!

To the parapets, men!

Charge!

It's the Shugs or Comanches, or Apaches or somebody.

There's millions of them.

Vanderbilt, will you cut that out.

There ain't no Indians in here yet.

Sorry about that, Dobbs.

Why can't I have a furlough, captain?

I-I told you, sergeant. It's in the manual

under "Indian uprisings, no time off during."

Ah! Great.

Serve your country for 25 years,

you need a furlough, you can't get one.

You've been in the service for 25 years?

This month.

And I got to get back East. Now, how about it?

No, no, I'm sorry, sergeant, it's out of the question.

A furlough is just out of the question.

This is our busy season.

I-I will see to it that you get a cake.

Oh. Hm.

Now, let's get back to the Indians.

Injuns?

Them ain't no... Vanderbilt!

Them ain't no injuns!

If they ain't Indians, why are they wearing feathers?

Well, those turkeys won't be attacking

this fort for a long time to come, huh, Dobbs?

Ha. No, sir. Guess we taught 'em a lesson.

You know, I think Vanderbilt's eyesight is improving.

Last time he called Indian attack,

it turned out to be buffalo.

At least turkeys wear feathers.

Scrappy little devil, wasn't he?

Oh, darn it. Those are my good boots too.

Don't worry about it, sir.

I-I'll clean them up right after dinner.

Thank you.

Mm!

I'll tell you one thing about this bird,

he went down fightin'.

Scrappy little devil.

Somebody got him in the leg.

Did I ask for a promotion? No.

Did I ask for a transfer? No.

One miserable furlough, that's all I need.

What's the rush?

I read someplace east is gonna be there for years.

Yeah? Well, did you read about our souvenirs?

They're gonna be in the Hekawi camp for years

if I don't find a big buyer, and soon.

Agarn, I told you, I gotta get a furlough,

and you gotta help me.

Sarge, you must be crackin' up.

You expect me to change the mind

of an officer, a captain,

the commander of this whole military installation?

Me? A crummy, insignificant little corporal

with two stripes? Ha!

Yeah? Then you can just forget about your share

of the profits in the souvenirs.

Where you going?

To tell the captain where he gets off.

Don't forget, Napoleon was a corporal too.

Yeah, well, you'll look more military without the bib.

Captain, sir.

I come to talk to you about

a matter of the gravest importance.

Do you realize that loyal,

conscientious, diligent,

hardworking, lovable Sergeant O'Rourke

is at this very minute... Ah-ah-ah.

It'll have to wait, corporal.

I wanna talk to you about Sergeant O'Rourke.

I'm ready for the other foot.

Oh. Well, it's... bound to be around there someplace.

Ooh!

Captain?

You all right, sir?

Yes, I'm fine. I'm fine. Now...

Now, where was...? Oh, yes.

Corporal, do you realize that Sergeant O'Rourke

is about to celebrate his 25th year

in the military service?

Yes, sir. That's why I thought

a furlough might be the...

The Army owes him a debt of gratitude

it can never hope to repay. Never.

Yes, sir. That's why I thought...

Unfortunately,

we can't afford to spare him,

not even for a moment.

Uh, Indians and that sort of thing.

However, I've come up with a better idea.

We'll give him a surprise testimonial dinner.

Yes, sir, that's why I thought...

A testimonial dinner?

Yes. His fellow troopers,

the townspeople who admire and respect him.

We'll gather them together

to pay homage to our gallant sergeant.

Oh, that's beautiful. That is just beautiful, captain.

Beau-ti-ful. Dobbs, isn't that beautiful?

Not to me.

If I had my druthers, I'd rather see my friends.

Well, he... He won't have to go home.

Why can't they come out here?

The sergeant's friends?

Yes. He's bound to have some.

Corporal, I want you

to find out who the sergeant's oldest friends are,

and get them all out here for the big event.

Me, sir? Oh, what an honor.

As a matter of fact, corporal,

I'm placing you in charge of the entire affair.

Dobbs, you can be his assistant.

Thank you. Thank you, captain.

Now remember, this whole operation is top-secret.

Get that list of Sergeant O'Rourke's friends,

but don't give him an inkling of what we're doing.

You have my word on that, sir. Not a single, solitary "ink."

Oh, whoa!

Just make yourself comfortable. I'll finish you off down there.

You mean you didn't even ask him?

I couldn't, sarge. He kept falling off his chair.

Too bad you don't have an emergency back East,

like a... sick friend.

You... do have a friend, don't you?

Wilma.

Who? Wilma McGee.

Wilma McGee!

What are you shouting about?

Sorry, sarge. It's such a pretty name, and... Who is Wilma?

My old girlfriend back in Steubenville.

Steubenville, Ohio?

Will you stop screaming?

Didn't I ever tell you about Wilma?

Promised to wait for me

when I joined up for the Mexican War.

And did she?

Sure did.

'Course, she got married while she was waiting.

She's a widow now, in Brooklyn.

Oh, Brooklyn, not Steubenville!

That's right!

Husband died and left her a big business.

Don't tell me you never heard of the McGee Emporium in Brooklyn.

Hey, that reminds me.

I just got a telegram from Wilma.

No kidding. When? I didn't see no telegram.

Of course not. I ain't wrote it yet.

"Very ill, fading fast.

"Come before it is too late.

Love, Wilma."

Oh, she must be on the very brink, sir.

Well, we all share in your grief, sergeant,

but I'm afraid that doesn't change regulations.

We're still in danger of attack.

What, from turkeys? Agarn can take care of them.

With a bow and arrow.

Them bullets is murder on my teeth.

Next time, it may not be poultry.

It could be Apaches.

Sir, she has been waiting for me for 25 years.

And now that the end is near,

when she calls my name, I will not be there.

Ah, don't worry about it, sarge.

She'll be so sick, she won't even notice it.

Sergeant, in winning the West,

we must all make sacrifices.

You'd better go out and check our defenses now.

This is real Indian attack weather.

Yes, sir.

Thanks, pal.

Bye, sarge.

It's goin' great. He don't suspect a thing.

I've lined up his old schoolteacher,

and I'll send a wire off to Wilma right away.

Fine, fine. And get him talking about his old Army buddies.

We need few of those. And, uh...

Oh, you'd better line up an entertainment chairman.

Don't worry. I'll take care of that.

Nobody knows more about entertainment than me.

Wild Eagle, the captain's counting on you!

You've gotta come up with something!

Agarn, me be big hit at party. Do magic.

Crazy Cat, A-number-one magician.

Show trick, Crazy.

You betum. Corporal, needum watch.

Also, needum neck hankie.

Now, watchum watch.

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

No worry, corporal. Watchum watch.

Hey, that's some junk!

You another Wild Eagle, Crazy.

Now for magic.

Also do imitations.

Like to see me do imitation of Benjamin Franklin?

Why don't you go fly a kite.

That part of act.

Why, you...

Dobbs! Dobbs!

We gotta get more names.

You got your notebook?

Right here, corporal.

And watch your spellin'.

I nearly sent a wire to Geronimo.

Man, he ain't one of the sarge's pals.

How do you spell Geronimo?

J-E-R...

You're pushing me, Dobbs. You're pushing me.

Now, get over there under the window. Go on.

Where you been?

Over to the Hekawis, like you told me.

Wild Eagle says he'll cut production

till you come up with a buyer.

A buyer? How am I gonna get a buyer if I don't get back East?

How do I get East without a furlough?

And how do I get a furlough if you don't help me?

I am helping you, sarge! Relax.

Good. Just got to get back East.

My appendix, that's it. It's busted.

How could it? You had it cut out in Texas.

Well, it grew back!

I gotta see my family doc in Steubenville.

Why don't we wire him? Maybe he'll make a house call.

Whose side are you on?

I thought you was my friend. I am.

Name one friend who's done more for you than I have.

Jim Sweeney. Now, there was a friend.

Jim Sweeney. Who's he?

Sheriff over at Tombstone. My first pal in the service.

All right, Jim Sweeney.

But name one other friend who makes me look like a rat.

Aw, there's dozens. Heh.

Mike O'Hanlon, Bill O'Connell, Jessie McFail, Frank McCull,

Kevin O'Driscoll, Sean Kelly, Matt O'Neal.

I tell ya, the list is endless.

Now, who do you have on the decorating committee?

Vanderbilt, sir. And he's very artistic.

Good. Well, make sure he gets lots of shamrocks.

And some big banners too.

All taken care of, sir.

And the sergeant's dearest friends?

Yes, sir, we got a list a mile long.

And Janey's handling the refreshments.

Well, corporal, I must say you're doing

an excellent job. Oh, thank you, captain.

I am still concerned about the entertainment.

What has Chief Wild Eagle come up with?

I'm glad you asked that, captain, glad.

Oh? Why?

'Cause I better go ask Wild Eagle the same thing.

If their contribution to the evening's festivities

isn't decided upon soon, maybe we better forget about them.

Oh, let's not be hasty, captain.

I'm sure Wild Eagle will come up with something.

No. No good!

No good. No good.

What you know about entertainment?!

Rain dance always stop show.

Yeah? Well, we don't want it raining in the saloon.

Whiskey's cut enough already. Come up with something else.

Okay, what you think of this?

Oh-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-koh-oh-oh.

Mating call of bird.

What kind of bird is that?

When mate show up, I let you know.

Now, look, chief,

the captain unraveled miles of red tape to get an okay,

before you and your braves could come into town.

You better work up something legitimate.

Okay.

Me give after-dinner speech on American history.

Oh, that sounds very entertaining.

We can use the sleep.

I tell him how Hekawi get the name.

There's a question

that must be on everybody's lips.

Come to think of it,

how did the Hekawis get their name?

Glad you asked.

Many moons ago... tribe leave Massachusetts

because Pilgrims ruin neighborhood.

Tribe travel west, over stream,

over river, over mountain, over mountain,

over river, over stream.

Then come big day.

Tribe fall over cliff.

That when Hekawi get name.

Medicine man say to my ancestor...

"I think we lost. Where the heck are we?"

"Where the hek-a-wi?"

Chief, you know what your tribe needs?

Another cliff.

Another cliff?

Well, tonight's the big night.

Are you sure O'Rourke doesn't suspect anything?

Oh, no, sir.

He still thinks Corporal Agarn is trying to get him a furlough.

Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo. Boy, is he gonna be surprised.

Why, Janey, that dress is most becoming.

Well, thank you, Wilton.

I figured it would look better than my britches and boots.

It does make you look more like a girl.

How about the refreshments?

Well, shucks. I fixed up a whole batch of goodies.

Oh, fine. Fine.

Have Sergeant O'Rourke's friends arrived?

Oh, yes, sir. They're all stashed away over at the hotel.

Good. And you had his initials put on that gold watch.

Sure did. Got it right here.

Ah. Well, then, I guess everything's ready

for the guest of honor.

Corporal, where's Sergeant O'Rourke?

Aw, it's awful, captain.

He's sitting on his bunk moping.

Says he ain't going no place.

Why, he can't do that. He's the guest of honor.

OH, he's mad because everybody forgot his anniversary.

Says he ain't budging, and nobody can make him.

That's ridiculous.

You can't have a testimonial without a guest of honor.

What are we gonna do, sir?

Only one thing we can do, captain.

What's that?

Just have to scratch his initials off that watch.

Come in.

Good evening, Sergeant O'Rourke.

Yeah.

Say, how about coming over to the saloon with us?

Sarsaparillas are on me.

If you don't mind, I've gone on the wagon.

Oh, is he stubborn!

Why do you wanna sit here and mope?!

Because I like to sit here and mope, that's why!

Uh, I don't generally like to pull rank, sergeant,

but this is your captain making the request.

So let's get started for the saloon, shall we?

Meaning no disrespect, when I'm off-duty,

I don't have to go nowhere... sir.

Hey, captain, ain't that mutiny?

No, Dobbs. No, not according to the manual.

He's entitled to his free time.

Article 14, section three:

You can invite a horse soldier to sarsaparilla,

but you cannot make him drink.

Oh, yeah? Well, I can.

No! Don't...!

What do we do now, captain?

You knocked him cold.

What do you think? Get his hat.

Yeah. Go ahead, Dobbs.

I think the sergeant is just about ready

to attend his testimonial.

Just a furlough, captain.

You see, I gotta get back there for Wilma's appendix...

Now!

Huh? What is this?

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ Which nobody can deny ♪

Wait, wait. All of this for me?

What? Agarn, you shouldn't have done it.

I didn't. It was the captain's idea.

What? Congratulations, sergeant.

I now give you our master of ceremonies,

Corporal Randolph Agarn.

Hey!

All right, all right. Sit down. Sit down.

Sarge... we are all assembled here tonight

to help you celebrate

your 25 years of service to your country.

Morgan O'Rourke, this is your night.

Agarn, friends. Ah...

Not yet, sarge. I got more to say. Oh.

And in honor of this here festive occasion,

we have gathered the best entertainment west of...

West of... Hey, what's just east of here?

Ha-ha-ha! All right, to get things started,

I guess you'd all like to hear an Irish song

sung by a real Irishman.

I'll give you a little bit of "Old Donegal."

Professor, if you please.

♪ Shake hands With your Uncle Mike, me boy ♪

♪ Shake hands With your sister Kate ♪

♪ And here is the girl You used to swing ♪

♪ Down on The garden gate... ♪

Sarge! Sarge! What?

Shake hands with them later. We got a show to put on. Sarge!

Ladies and gentlemen, without no more further ado,

it gives me great pleasure

to present the surprise of the evening.

And here it is.

Open up them curtains, please.

Sarge. What? Oh.

There you are.

Look. Turkeys.

Vanderbilt, you knucklehead!

♪ My wild Irish Rose ♪

♪ Mmmmmmmm ♪

♪ The sweetest flower That grows ♪

♪ Mmmmmmmm ♪

♪ And someday For my sake ♪

♪ She may let me take The bloom ♪

♪ From my wild Irish Rose ♪

♪ Mmmmmmmm ♪

Some Irishmen. Hmph.

Well...

Well, thank you, Wild Eagle and the Hekawi Glee Club.

And all the time, I thought it was St. Patrick

that chased the snakes out of Ireland.

And now for a little "Old Donegal." Professor?

♪ Shake hands With your Uncle Mike, me boy ♪

♪ Shake hands With your sister Kate ♪

♪ S... ♪ Sarge, will you pipe down?

Well... I thought this was my night.

Morgan O'Rourke, this is your night.

And for the next part of our program,

we'd like to take you on a little trip down memory lane.

See if you can remember this voice from the past.

- I - remember you, sergeant.

You were the sweetest, dearest little boy in Steubenville.

Nobody ever wiped erasers better than you did.

That's Miss Vorhees. Right.

Your third-grade schoolteacher, Ella J. Vorhees.

Hey!

Miss Vorhees.

But... you're not Morton O'Rourke.

No, Morton's my kid brother. I'm Morgan O'Rourke.

You must remember me.

They said "Morton."

Oh.

You're the little bounder

that put the frog in my teapot.

I wouldn't ever...

Miss Vorhees, please. Wait.

Put down that... Miss Vorhees, wait.

You're getting all worked up.

Some tribute this turned out to be.

That's the second time tonight I got whomped on the head.

All right, professor.

♪ Shake hands With your Uncle Mike, me boy ♪

♪ Shake hands With your sister Kate ♪

Please, sarge, will you cut it out?

We got a whole flock of other surprises.

If you ruin this night, I'll kill you.

Well, I don't know if my head can take much more.

And now, out of far reaches of your romantic past,

see what this lovely voice conjures up.

Hi, Morgan, honey.

Uh, that's Wilma. Wilma McGee, my old sweetheart.

Here she is, all the way from Flatbush,

the girl you left behind... Wilma McGee.

Wilma! Look at her. Ha. You haven't changed a bit.

The same golden hair and the same lovely eyes.

The same gorgeous figure.

Oh, it's good of you to say that.

Me with eight children,

and every blessed one of 'em prayin' for a father.

♪ Shake hands With your Uncle Mike, me boy ♪

♪ Shake hands With your sister Kate ♪

♪ And here's the girl You left to swingin' ♪

♪ On the garden gate ♪

♪ Now... ♪ Sarge, will you cut it out?

Just once listen to me, for once.

Now, here is a double-barrel surprise.

See if you can recognize these two voices.

Your two old buddies from the Mexican War. First:

O'Rourke, you were a sergeant 22 years ago,

and you're still a sergeant.

What's the matter, ain't ya tryin'?

O'Hanlon. That's Mike O'Hanlon.

Hey! Hey. Mike, me boy.

Morgan! Hey, now!

I've never seen you lookin' better.

Now, hold it, sarge. What?

Here's the second.

Morgan, boy, when first we met,

I said you'd come to no good end, and I was right.

That's Jim Sweeney.

Sweeney, come out here, you old scalawag.

And still wearing that tin badge. Yeah.

Who's that one?

Uh, this is Mike O'Hanlon,

another pal of mine.

That's Jim Sweeney.

O'Hanlon? O'HANLON: Yeah.

That's the Canary Kid, the biggest outlaw in the West.

All right. Well, you just stand back here, Morgan...

Oh, now, wait a minute! This is my night.

Morgan! Give me your...!

All right, now, this is my night.

And I'm a-gonna sing "Donegal" if it's the last thing I do.

All right, Sweeney... he's all yours.

Now, professor, if you please.

♪ Ah, shake hands With your Uncle Mike, me boy ♪

♪ Shake hands With your sister Kate ♪

♪ And here is the girl You used to swing ♪

♪ Down on The garden gate ♪

♪ Shake hands With all the neighbors ♪

♪ And kiss the colleens all ♪

♪ You're as welcome As the flowers in May ♪

♪ In dear old Donegal ♪

♪ There came Branigan Franahan, Milligan, Gilligan ♪

♪ Duffy, McCuffy Malarky, Mahone ♪

♪ Rafferty, Lafferty, Donnelly Connelly, Dooley, O'Hooley ♪

♪ McDonald, Malone ♪

♪ Madigan, Paddigan Lanahan, Flanihan ♪

♪ Fagan, O'Hagan O'Hoolihan, Flynn ♪

♪ Shanahan, Manahan Fogerty... ♪

Crazy, you in charge of entertainment.

Happy Bear, you in charge of refreshments.

Getting, not eating!

You send out smoke signal invitation to Sitting Bull.

Person-to-person.

Sitting my best friend.

We once lowly braves together, just like you. Come up hard way.

Hey, chief, what are you standing around for?

We're back in business.

This very important.

Braves have great idea, honor chief with testimonial.

We getum idea

when Wild Eagle say, "Giveum testimonium, or else."

Never mind details.

Braves gonna give chief gold sundial with initials.

Congratulations. What's the occasion?

Wild Eagle chief of all Hekawi 17 years this Tuesday.

Seventeen years?

What kind of anniversary is that?

Agarn, better you keep nose out of Indian business.

You celebrate your way, Hekawi celebrate my way.

Chief, we got this brand new customer

waiting for them souvenirs.

Okay, boys. On double.

Get lead out of feathers. This not Army.

Put souvenirs in boxes.

We're sure makin' a comeback, eh?

O'Rourke Enterprises is wheelin' and dealin' again.

All right, snap it up there. Get a move on.

Ooh, that Wilma McGee.

Ha-ho. What a doll.

What a customer.

My wild Irish rose.

♪ Mmmmmmmm ♪

♪ The sweetest flow'r That grows ♪

♪ Mmmmmmmm ♪

♪ You may search Everywhere ♪

♪ But none Can compare ♪

♪ Mmmmmmmm ♪

♪ With my wild Irish... ♪