Original subtitles

♪ The end of the Civil War Was near ♪

♪ When quite accidentally ♪

♪ A hero who sneezed ♪

♪ Abruptly seized ♪

♪ Retreat And reversed it to victory ♪

♪ His Medal of Honor Pleased and thrilled ♪

♪ His proud little Family group ♪

♪ While pinning it on Some blood was spilled ♪

♪ And so it was planned He'd command ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

♪ Where Indian fights Are colorful sights ♪

♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪

♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪

♪ Both turn chicken ♪

♪ When drilling and fighting Get them down ♪

♪ They know their morale Can't droop ♪

♪ As long as they all Relax in town ♪

♪ Before they resume With a bang and a boom ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

Hey, Wild Eagle. Your teepee's on fire.

Teepee not on fire.

This my steam room.

Very good for old Chief Wild Eagle's old bones.

If not for this, old chief would be in happy hunting ground

with his old bones.

Why not you shut your young mouth?

I'm sorry you don't feel good, chief,

but I gotta talk to you about the souvenir business.

Not today, O'Rourke.

I think I'm coming down with a chest cold.

Could be pneumonia, chief,

and then off to the happy hunting ground.

Again with the happy hunting ground.

You keep dreaming you gonna become chief some day.

Ha! Over my dead body.

That's when I become chief.

Wild Eagle, I've had the sniffles myself lately,

mind if I sweat 'em out here?

Go right ahead.

Price 15 cents.

Price includes steam, blanket, massage and tip.

Keep your shirt on, Agarn.

But, sarge, there ain't nothing healthier

for you than steam from a hot Indian spring.

This no hot spring.

We just make fire in pit and cover over with rocks.

More water.

Ah, you mean to tell me

that there ain't no natural hot spring under this teepee?

What you want for 15 cents?

Yellowstone Park?

This is great.

I feel better already.

How long it take you to build this?

One day.

Just dig pit in ground.

Six feet under,

like when you about to bury someone.

You never let go.

Just want Sergeant O'Rourke to get picture.

I'm going to hit you in head with tomahawk.

Got that picture?

Fellas, a little more steam?

Hit the rocks, Craze.

Maybe men in F Troop want to come up for steam.

Nah, nah, the men of F Troop are too tough.

They'd never go for a thing like this.

Come on, Agarn.

But, sarge,

the steam is just starting to open up my pores

and let the poison out of my system.

Come on, Agarn.

I'm sorry you're not feeling so good.

See you later.

Maybe.

That steam room's the greatest, sarge.

Yeah. I think you're wrong.

I think the guys in F Troop would love it up here.

Would you shut up? What did I say, sarge?

Why should we bring the troopers up here for Wild Eagle

when we got a steam room of our own?

We have?

How come I ain't never seen it?

Because I ain't built it yet.

Oh, that makes sense.

Not to me, but it makes sense.

I am going to build a steam room just like Wild Eagle's

right in our NCO club.

Don't you think the captain will get a little suspicious

seeing everybody walk into the club wrapped in a blanket?

I've been thinking.

Lately, O'Rourke Enterprises has been losing 12 hours a night

because captain lives on the post.

What are you gonna do, sarge?

Give him an eviction notice?

Remember? Married officers live off of the post.

But he ain't married.

I know that.

But haven't you noticed lately

that look in Wrangler Jane's eyes,

that kind of "rice and old shoes" look, huh?

Well, I've seen her eating rice,

but I ain't never seen her wearing old shoes.

We are going to play Cupid, stupid.

Janey, do you want to get married?

I didn't know you felt that way, Agarn.

This is my first proposal.

Now, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I wasn't proposing.

I wasn't accepting.

No, no, we're talking about Captain Parmenter.

Well, if Wilton Parmenter wants to marry me,

he's going to have to speak for himself.

Janey, if you wait for Captain Parmenter to propose,

he's gonna be too old to get down on his knees.

You'd never hear him through your ear trumpet.

Why are you two suddenly so interested

in our getting married?

Well, speaking for myself, I hate long engagements.

Yeah, but we're not even engaged.

Which gives you a rough idea

how long your engagement's going to be.

We know how you feel about the captain,

and, well, we also know how the captain feels about you.

Oh? Well, he's never said nothing to me about marriage,

and I don't think he's said anything to you either.

Well, he ain't exactly come right out and said it.

Well, if he ain't never really "come right out and said it,"

how do you know he wants to marry me?

He talks in his sleep.

If you're in the noncoms quarters,

how can you hear Wilton when he's talking in his sleep?

'Cause I'm walking in my sleep.

Every night I pass his window, and I hear him say,

"I want to marry Jane, but I'm too shy to ask her.

I want to marry Jane, but I'm too shy to ask her."

Gosh, I wish I could believe you.

'Cause I'd given up on Wilton's ever asking me.

Look. My wedding dress. On sale.

Sarge, it's breaking my heart.

Uh, some men are shy. I mean, they...

Well, they need a push to get 'em to the altar.

Well, I'm not gonna push no man to no altar.

Well, we'll push and you pull.

Now, I'm not saying that this marriage wouldn't benefit us.

Benefit you? How?

Well, I mean, a happy commander means a happy fort,

and a happy fort means happy troopers.

And happy troopers means happy horses.

And happy horses means happy hooves.

And there's nothing like the patter of happy hooves

around a happy fort.

I got to admit,

I've had my cap set for Wilton a long time.

Janey girl, you just leave everything to us

and you'll be going down that middle aisle before you can say

"Mrs. Wilton Parmenter."

Mrs. Wilton Parmenter.

Do you really think he'll ask me?

You just leave that to me.

Come in.

At ease, men. I'll be with you in a minute.

I-I think this drawer is warped.

Can I give you a hand, sir?

No thank you, corporal.

Can I give you a foot?

A foot?

Say that's a good idea.

There.

Oh!

Are you all right, captain, sir?

I'm fi... I'm fine.

Here we go. That's clear.

Ah, yes. Those drawers always stick in damp weather, sir.

This never would have happened if you were married.

It wouldn't?

Well, it's lunchtime, sir,

and you would have been home playing with the baby.

What baby?

You do like children, don't you, sir?

Well, yes.

How many do you want?

I don't know.

I think Jane wants a big family. Yeah.

Well, the Parmenters have always gone for big families too,

and I suppose... that...

Jane? How did she get into this conversation?

Captain, naturally we feel that a man in these parts,

well, when he finds a girl that's just right for him,

well, sooner or later

they'll tie the knot and settle down.

Off... the post.

Well, I've never really given it much thought.

Ah, but you should, captain. Just think:

After a hard day at the fort,

you go home and have a little woman waiting for you

with a pipe and the slippers.

George Washington never would have made it

through Valley Forge,

if he hadn't lived off the post with Martha.

Howdy.

Janey, what a pleasant surprise.

We were just talking about you. Weren't we, captain?

Yes, we were. Hi, Jane.

I just happened to be walking by the fort

with this hot apple pie, and I thought you might like it.

What a thoughtful girl.

And I bet it's the captain's favorite.

No, actually my taste runs to gooseberry.

What a beautiful dress, Wrangler.

Say, I'll bet that cost a pretty penny.

Oh, it didn't cost nothing.

I made it myself.

Did you hear that?

She makes her own own clothes.

She's cheaper to keep than a horse.

In all fairness to a horse, corporal,

they don't wear clothes.

Yeah, but you've got to buy them twice as many shoes.

That's right. That's true.

Janey, why don't we try a piece of your pie?

Sure thing.

None for me, thanks, Janey,

I have just a little touch of indigestion.

Aw, that's because you're not used to

good old-fashioned home cooking, captain.

Off the post. Yeah.

Oh.

There you are.

Thank you, Janey.

Sure you won't change your mind, Wilton?

No, I better not, Janey. Thanks, some other time.

Oh. Thank you.

This is terrific pie, Jane.

Mmm!

Captain, is this yummy.

I'm sure this will settle your tum-tum.

Here, Wilton.

Janey, please. I'm trying to open this drawer.

It's open now.

Wilton, are you all right?

Yes, yes, I'm all right.

Oh, you hurt your head.

Put some pie on it, and the swelling will go down.

Agarn, that's steak.

Janey makes a wonderful steak.

Janey, cook the captain up a T-bone.

I'd better have the carpenter fix this.

No, no, captain, I'll take care of that for you, sir.

No, no, I'll do it myself. I'll do it myself.

But, uh, captain...

I guess I can put that sale sign back on my wedding dress.

You know, I can't believe Captain Parmenter.

You look pretty... for a girl.

Everybody says that but Wilton.

Wait a minute.

Ha-ha. That's it.

What's it?

If somebody else notices how pretty she is,

I'll bet you the captain will have this little lady

in front of a preacher just like that.

I'm not interested in anybody but him.

But if he thought you were, he'd come runnin'.

The jealousy angle. Mm.

Good idea, sarge.

Who do we get to start courting Jane?

You. Me?

I'm spoke for.

Betty Lou is in Passaic.

But some big mouth is bound to write her

and tell her I'm going out with another girl.

Who would do a thing like that?

Me.

We're wasting our time, O'Rourke, it won't work.

Why not? You think Wilton would believe

I'm interested in Agarn?

Now, wait a minute, Jane.

You should be flattered that I would even

pretend to be courting you.

If Wilton ever saw me with you, he'd never propose.

He'd be laughing too hard.

Well, let me tell you something. There's a lot...

Wait, wait, wait. Wait a minute.

Here you too are having a lovers' quarrel,

and you ain't even in love yet.

Gosh, I'm sorry, Agarn.

I'd be happy to have you pretend to be my beau.

All I care about is seeing you two kids

find a lifetime of happiness... off the post.

Now, that's better. That's more like it.

The minute he sees you two courting, he'll be green.

Speaking of green, about those apples in your pie.

Ah, troop dismissed.

Morning, Jane.

Good morning, Wilton.

What's in there?

I just fixed up a little breakfast.

Oh, Jane, you shouldn't have gone to so much trouble.

Oh, it's no trouble at all.

Randolph loves my cooking.

Randolph?

Morning, Jane.

Morning, Randolph.

Morning, sergeant. Wrangler.

I thought you might like some of my homemade flapjacks

with homemade maple syrup and some homemade sausage

with a homemade jug of coffee.

And you brought it in your homemade basket.

Lucky dog, you.

With the captain's permission,

I'd like to have breakfast with my guest.

Well, that's a little irregular.

I think regulation 29-8 covers that, sir.

What regulation is that?

It says, "Any cavalryman can receive packages from home,"

but nowhere does it state they have to be from his home.

That's true, sergeant.

Thank you, sir. Jane?

See you later, Wilton.

Oh, that Agarn is a smooth worker.

Well, Jane is a very nice, thoughtful girl

and she's just trying to do her bit for the boys in the service.

She probably wore that real pretty dress today

because all her buckskins are in the laundry.

Yes, that's probably it.

Oh...

Well, shall I have Dobbs bring your breakfast over, sir?

No, thank you, sergeant, I... just lost my appetite.

All right. Dismissed for chow.

Everything in order, sergeant?

Everything running smooth, sir.

Uh, speaking of smooth, where's Corporal Agarn?

He's having lunch with a guest, sir.

Another guest?

No, same guest.

I don't want to appear to be a ramrod,

but Corporal Agarn is in charge of posting guards.

Now, look at that.

There's no guard in the lookout tower.

Well, that's where he's having lunch, sir.

In the lookout tower?

Aw, no. There's nobody in there, sergeant.

Agarn!

Everything's under control up here, sarge.

Well, you were certainly right, sir.

Wrangler Jane is "doing her bit" for the boys in the service.

Come in.

Oh. You wanted to see me, sir?

Yes, at ease, sergeant, it's about Corporal Agarn.

What seems to be the trouble, sir?

Well, I've been looking through my manual,

and while the war department has no regulations

against picnics in the lookout tower,

I think it's unmilitary.

I couldn't agree with you more, sir.

If the Indians should launch an attack,

it would be very difficult for the lookout to shout a warning

with a hard-boiled egg in his mouth.

Oh, you're absolutely right, sir.

So I want you to tell Corporal Agarn that he can't have dinner

with his guest in the lookout tower.

Sir, he's not having dinner in the lookout tower.

Oh, so he's finally dining in the mess hall.

No, sir, he's dining on your porch.

On my porch?

Well, Corporal Agarn likes to dine by moonlight.

He's very smooth, sir.

Good evening, Captain Parmenter.

Uh... Uh... At ease, corporal.

With the captain's permission,

I'd like to begin dining on

Jane's homemade fried chicken, homemade biscuits,

homemade apple butter and homemade carrots.

Homemade carrots?

Yes, I raised them in my garden.

We won't be long, captain. No.

Right after dinner,

Randolph's taking me to pick wild flowers.

You're going to pick wild flowers at night?

Yes. That's what makes it... so wild.

Well, I'll say one thing for Corporal Agarn,

he's not a very smooth eater.

You're right, sir.

Well, if you'll excuse me,

I have to finish filling out my application for transfer.

Right, sir.

Transfer?

That's right, sergeant.

You...

I-I can't really believe that you're serious

about leaving Fort Courage, sir.

I've never been more serious in my life.

But, sir, F Troop wouldn't be the same without the old man.

What old man?

Well, you, sir. You're the old man.

Oh, yes, well, I keep forgetting I'm the old man.

Well, headquarters will just send out a new old man,

or an old new man, or a new new man,

or an old old man.

Begging the captain's pardon,

but is there any particular reason

why you want to be transferred from Fort Courage?

Well, uh, yes.

One of the reasons is... Is the climate.

The climate here is very bad for me.

It, uh... It's too dry.

I'd like to be in a place where they have a little Jane...

I mean, rain.

Well, now, if there's anything that the captain

would like to discuss, sir, I mean, of a personal nature,

I assure you it will not leave this room.

No, no, no, it's nothing like that, sergeant.

It's just that when an officer is in one post too long,

it just gets to be too much of a Jane...

A strain.

Well, sir, I can only tell you

that the men of F Troop

certainly don't want to see you leave.

Well, I... I appreciate that, sergeant,

and I'm sure I don't have to tell you how I feel

about F Troop. Mm.

When do you plan to leave, sir?

Just as soon as I can catch the first Jane... Train.

Well, sir, in that case, the men of F Troop

would like for you to be their guest

at a farewell party in your honor tomorrow night.

Thank you very much, sergeant.

I'd be proud to attend.

Oh, captain? Yes?

This will be kind of a combination affair.

Combination?

Yes. A farewell party for you

and a, hmm-hmm, bachelor party for Corporal Agarn.

Bachelor party?

He's getting married, sir.

Not to Wrangler Train.

That's Jane, sir.

I-I mean, Jane.

Now, of course, if you don't want to be there...

Oh, no, no. I'll be there.

Yes, sir.

That's about the third one of those tonight. I want you...

All right.

All right, men. Knock it off.

Hold it down. Hold it down for the sergeant.

Ah, thanks, Duffy. Well, hit it, Dobbs.

That's enough.

All right, now, men, we've gathered here

for a very special occasion.

We've come to say goodbye to the old man.

You, sir.

Now, I'm sure that I speak for every man in this troop

when I say it's been a honor and a privilege to serve under him.

And I now propose a toast

to the finest commanding officer in the U.S. cavalry.

Hip, hip... ALL: Hooray!

Hip, hip... ALL: Hooray!

Hip, hip... ALL: Hooray!

Thank you. Thank you, men.

Now, I'd like to propose a toast.

Will you all join me in drinking to Corporal Agarn

on the happy occasion of his marriage

to Wrangler Jane?

To Corporal Agarn?

Well, he was here a minute ago.

There he is, sir.

Agarn!

We're toasting you.

Thanks a lot, fellas.

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good Fellow-www ♪

Corporal?

♪ That nobody can deny ♪

Captain.

All right, that's enough.

Corporal Agarn.

Yes, captain?

You were kissing that girl.

Well, as long as our lips were that close together,

it was the only thing to do, sir.

You're getting married in the morning.

Just get me to the church on time.

Corporal Agarn,

I don't believe you're serious about this at all.

I've never been more serious in my life.

Corporal Agarn, I want to talk to you.

Just a minute, captain.

What is it, captain?

How can you behave this way when you're in love with Jane?

Who said I'm in love with Jane?

Well, you're going to marry her, aren't you?

Well, who wouldn't want to marry a girl

who's got the best trading post in the territory

and whose father owns 10,000 acres

crawling with fat cows.

You mean you're marrying Jane for her money?

You don't think I'm marrying her

for her fried chicken and... apple pie, do you?

Corporal Agarn, you're a cad.

Captain, you are absolutely right,

and if I were you, I'd go right over

and tell Jane about it this very minute.

Never you mind.

Wilton, you don't have to tell me anything.

Jane.

Jane, I forbid you to marry that man.

Wilton...

I don't want to hear another word about it.

But, Wilton, I just want to tell you someth...

I don't want to hear another word.

He's not good enough for you.

He just wants to marry you so he can live off you

and your fat father's cows. My what?

I mean, your father's fat cows.

Wilton, my father ain't got any fat cows,

and Agarn never intended to marry me.

He didn't? No.

He and Sergeant O'Rourke were trying to play Cupid.

They were what?

Now, don't go blaming them 'cause I was part of it too.

But it didn't work, and I'm glad

'cause that's not the way I want to get my man.

Goodbye, Wilton.

Good luck on your new post.

Uh, Jane.

Uh...

I don't think I'll be needing these transfer papers anymore.

Oh, Wilton.

You're wonderful. Well...

Say, it's such a nice night.

How would you like to go picking wild flowers?

You were great.

Thanks, sarge.

The game is over, corporal.

Where you been?

Buying rubbing alcohol for the grand opening

of the steam room.

Rubbing alcohol.

What do you think we serve in the saloon?

Sarge, I gotta hand it to you.

When it comes to business, you...

N-n... Oh, no. What's the matter?

I was testing the boiler in the steam room

and forgot to turn it off.

What? Come on.

What do we do now, sarge?

Go up to Wild Eagle's and have a steam.