Original subtitles

♪ The end of the Civil War Was near ♪

♪ When quite accidentally ♪

♪ A hero who sneezed Abruptly seized ♪

♪ Retreat And reversed it to victory ♪

♪ His Medal of Honor Pleased and thrilled ♪

♪ His proud little Family group ♪

♪ While pinning it on Some blood was spilled ♪

♪ And so it was planned He'd command ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

♪ Where Indian fights Are colorful sights ♪

♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪

♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪

♪ Both turn chicken ♪

♪ When drilling and fighting Get them down ♪

♪ They know their morale Can't droop ♪

♪ As long as they all Relax in town ♪

♪ Before they resume With a bang and a boom ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

Dobbs, blow "Assembly."

All right, Agarn. Get them some kind of a line.

All right, F Troop!

Ten-hut!

At ease, men, at ease.

Gentleman,

we are in receipt of an important communication

from Washington, from the secretary of war.

"Communiqué number one.

"Other communiqués to follow.

"Because of your outstanding record,

"your distinction,

"and the superb troops under your command,

"F Troop has been selected for a most secret project

"vital to the interests of this country.

"I am sure the men of F Troop

will make this a great achievement."

Signed by the secretary of war.

Well, Jenkins, what do you think?

It's fine, Mr. Secretary.

Dummy isn't scratched.

Yes, well, the big question is whether or not this vest

is going to be bulletproof... in action.

You sure that Fort Courage will be the best place?

Yes, it's a remote military installation.

It'll be much easier to maintain security there.

You understand, of course, this vest must be tested

with absolute security and absolute secrecy.

Now, if the Indians ever got hold of that,

we might loss control of the West.

Of course, sir, if these bulletproof vests don't work,

we may lose some of the men of F Troop.

That is precisely why I select them.

Then Fort Courage it is, sir.

Yes, I've already alerted the fort commander.

Oh, one thing more, Jenkins.

To protect our security there,

I've contacted our intelligence people.

They've assigned a top agent to this project,

an expert in counterespionage.

Who would that be, sir?

Jenkins, this agent's work is so secret

that even I am kept in the dark about it.

Well, you can have that removed now.

Orderly.

Remove the dummy.

I cannot emphasize this enough, Jenkins.

The Indians must never get word of this experiment.

All they need is a new weapon.

They are almost in revolt now,

itching at the trigger.

Those Indians are at fever pitch.

The moccasins are great for dancing, ain't they, chief?

Moccasin too tight.

You got something in 10 and a half?

Show him the ones with the tassels. Right.

How come paleface make moccasin?

You try to run us out of business?

Look, Crazy Cat, we can make them cheaper, lots cheaper.

We got modern machinery.

You got machinery?

How come it say "made in Hong Kong"?

Huh? CRAZY CAT: Got them in white?

Wait, wait.

If anybody wear white, me wear white.

Me still chief.

White would look great with that outfit you're wearing.

Wild Eagle make up mind.

Me take two white, two black. Ah.

Make take same thing.

Same thing. All right, two white, two black.

Here we go. There we are.

And here we are.

Come on, let's get back to camp before the captain misses us.

So long, chief.

So long, Crazy Cat. Ho.

Hekawi have wise old Indian saying:

Me never hear that one.

It mean, Chinese moccasin feel good

right after you put it on,

but one hour later, feet hurt again.

Now, gentlemen, according to communiqué number two,

which I've just received from Washington,

a box will arrive for us on the stagecoach.

Yes, sir. AGARN: You know what's inside?

Yes, it...

It's a secret weapon.

I want you to place it

under lock and key immediately. Right, sir.

Ho.

Ho.

Captain Parmenter? Here.

That there crate's for you.

Oh, good, good.

Uh, you may remove the crate, sergeant, corporal.

Oh, yes, sir.

I'm Miss Lorelei Duval. Oh.

Uh, I'm Captain Parmenter.

Welcome to Fort Courage.

Thank you, captain.

I'm the new school marm.

Oh. Uh... Oh, this is Sergeant O'Rourke.

How do you do, ma'am? How do you do?

Well, you men know what to do.

Good afternoon, Miss Duval.

Carry on, sergeant. Corporal.

Yes, sir.

No schoolteacher sure never looked like you

when I went to school.

They was so old,

they didn't teach history, they remembered it.

Introduce me.

Uh, oh, Miss Duval, this...

He's one of the fellows that works for me.

Corporal Agarn, ma'am.

How do you do?

My, you soldiers certainly do work hard, don't you?

We're in a special detail.

This is a new secret weapon. We gotta locked it up.

Well, it's the truth ain't it?

Well, the military life always fascinates me.

I was wondering if, perhaps, you will allow me to conduct

some classes for the soldiers in the evening, sergeant.

Well, ma'am, uh, I'm afraid,

Captain Parmenter would have to pass on that.

Oh, uh, I'm sure a gentleman as charming as Captain Parmenter

wouldn't refuse me.

In fact, I think I'll go and ask him right now.

Good day, gentleman.

Good day, ma'am.

Now, what does she want with Wilton?

Yeah, well, she's the new school marm, Wrangler,

she wants to give some lessons to the troop.

Oh, well, let her teach the troop all she wants.

But if Wilton is about to learn anything,

he can just make up his mind to learn from me.

"Dear, inspector general,

"we have received your instructions.

Rest assured the secret is..."

Ow.

Just a minute.

Captain Parmenter, I believe?

Yes, at your service, ma'am.

Are we alone?

Why, uh... Yes, ma'am.

Ha-ha!

B Wise is the name.

Espionage is my game.

I fooled you with one of my many disguises.

That's why they call me the man of a thousand faces.

I find that a little hard to believe.

Would you believe 850?

May I ask what are you doing here in Fort Courage, Mr. Wise.

I am from Washington. Counterintelligence.

I'm assigned to protect the secret weapon.

My badge, sir.

Very clever.

You like clever? I'll show you clever.

Sorry about that.

Now, when communiqué number three arrives,

we'll have our instructions.

Uh, where will you be?

Where will I be?

I'm here, I'm there.

I'm everywhere.

So beware. B Wise.

We're very lucky, gentlemen.

Why is that, captain?

Washington has sent its top man here.

They did?

Come on.

He's a... Oh!

He's a counterespionage agent named B Wise.

He's on the look out for anyone trying to find out

about that secret weapon.

Now, we have to do everything we can to help him.

What does he look like?

He's fantastic.

He's a man of a thousand faces.

He... He showed me his belt buckle,

and... And then he took off his shoe, and he shot the lamp.

He showed you his belt buckle,

then took off his shoe and shot the lamp?

Yes. Are you all right, captain?

I'm fine, I'm fine.

He said we have to be on the alert.

Some rascals might try to find out about this weapon

and tell the Indians.

Oh, yeah, I'll get it.

Uh... Well, Miss Lorelei, come in.

Well, how do you do, Miss Lorelei?

Forgive me, captain, for intruding,

but I was wondering if you reached any decision

regarding my teaching at the fort.

Oh, now, how could I forgotten a thing like that?

Now, a-as soon as I look up schoolteachers in my manual,

I'll let you know right away.

Well, I do hope it will be permitted.

In any case, as local teacher and you as commanding officer,

I do think we should become better acquainted.

Uh, I'll try, but you must remember

that my first obligation is to my men.

And their horses.

I'll be waiting to hear from you.

I'll escort you home, Miss Lorelei.

You?

I will escort her home.

Pulling rank, huh, sarge?

Buenos dias, señor.

Listen, do you have a few pesos for a poor old bullfighter,

who has been on the horns of a bull too long?

Oh, why, certainly, my good man.

Fooled you again, didn't I?

Right? Right.

Because I'm a master of deception.

Why, I get up in the morning sometimes

and shave the wrong man.

Did...? Did you find out anything, Mr. Wise?

Yes, I did.

I don't mind telling you confidently

that my number one suspect is Miss Lorelei Duval.

The schoolteacher?

Very interesting.

Well, what made you suspect her?

I saw a pair of ruby-red lips, soft white shoulders,

long shapely legs, wearing a black-lace negligee.

Now, does that sound like your typical,

everyday schoolteacher?

You can bet your sweet tooth it doesn't.

Hm.

Red lips, white shoulders, shapely legs,

it does sound dangerous.

Sounds nice... Uh, but dangerous, dangerous.

Uh, shall we arrest her?

No, not yet.

We need concrete evidence

that she's really a spy.

Now, I'll be watching her every moment.

The first move she makes, she'll get this.

Your tie? Mm-hm.

Not a regular tie.

You see, I use it when my shoe jams.

All you do is... turn it open...

then take down the safety... and you fire.

Sorry about that.

It's all right.

Hm, I'll show her not to get smart with B Wise.

Now, duty calls.

I'm sorry about that, sir.

Just a trim, Dobbs. Nothing off the top.

All right, corporal.

♪ Lorelei, Lorelei ♪

♪ Without you I would die Lorelei ♪

Hey, Agarn, pal.

Listen, would you do me a favor?

Sure, sarge.

Well, the captain asked me

to stand guard on that secret weapon tonight.

I was wondering if you'd take my place.

Oh, gee, sarge, I can't tonight.

I'm going out with the fellas.

You... The fellas?

With all that bay rum?

You heard the speech the captain made

about how we don't look right.

In fact, Dobbs, I think you ought to give me a shave.

Yeah.

Well, in that case, heh, you'll need this.

To you, sweet lady Of infinite grace

Perfect of figure Fairest of face

Is that an original poem, corporal?

Not exactly.

I seen it once in a mail-order catalog.

It was a... An ad for some fancy-smelling bath soap.

Well, it's the thought that counts.

Right.

Here's to your new venture.

May it be a great success.

My venture?

Oh, you mean, the new secret weapon?

I can't tell you about that.

Oh, of course not.

I do hope the tests go well.

Will they be soon?

Tomorrow. But I can't tell you about that neither.

You must have nerves of steel.

To think the testing is tomorrow,

and you're so relaxed at a moment like this.

I ain't so relaxed. I got goose bumps.

Wanna see 'em?

Lookie here.

Communiqué number three, sir.

Oh, thank you, sergeant.

Mm. Mm-hm.

Ah. So that's it.

Is everything secure, sergeant?

Yes, sir, I just turned the guard over to Dobbs.

Good, good. We can't take too many precautions.

Not when we're dealing with secret weapons, we can't.

Now, as soon as Dobbs stands his watch we...

Uh, can I help you, ma'am?

What's that?

Ha-ha! I fooled you again.

Oh, sergeant this is B Wise of counter intelligence.

B, this is Sergeant O'Rourke.

This no time for introduction.

Why, at this very moment, down at the saloon,

the school teacher is luring your Corporal Agarn

down the path of treason.

She's what? That little double cross...

Caution. Caution.

We can only observe them.

We can't apprehend her yet.

We'll have to let things cook for a while,

and then we'll see what's at the bottom of the pot.

Good thinking. Sergeant, you and I

will go and see what we can find out.

While I remain inconspicuously in the background.

Shall we go, sergeant, and see for ourselves?

There's nothing I would like better.

I do hope you won't be hurt tomorrow

when you test whatever's in that big box.

What's in it? Do you know?

Only Captain Parmenter knows.

But let's not talk about that.

Let's talk about more important things

like... you and... me.

Kiss me, Lorelei.

Well, it's Lorelei.

So nice to see you, captain.

Good evening, Miss Lorelei.

Join me in a bottle of champagne?

Uh, no, no, thank you.

I never touch it.

Oh, uh, yeah, yeah.

Don't mind if I do.

Champagne and brandy, please.

It must be fascinating to be the head

of a great military establishment like this.

What a feeling of power, to have your own army.

Oh, well, it isn't mine, really.

It's sort of belongs to the United States cavalry.

I just sort of think of myself as, oh, helping them out.

Oh, isn't that awfully strong?

Oh, well, then let me dilute it with a little brandy.

That'll make it a French 75.

French 75?

That's a name of a special drink.

Something like, um... cherry phosphate.

Oh. I like those.

Not as sweet as my usual cherry phosphate,

but it does have a certain charm.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, what a shame.

Oh, please forgive me.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

No, no, no.

That's all right. No harm done.

But the champagne and brandy often leaves spots.

I have something that'll take it off immediately.

I'll go get it. No, really.

I don't think anything's damaged.

Oh, but I insist.

Think of all the years I wasted drinking cherry phosphate.

Captain, did you find out anything?

Well, she's gone.

But don't worry. Never fear.

Just be glad B Wise is here.

Did she find out anything?

Oh, no, no. I have the orders right here in...

Oh, my goodness.

She stole the orders?

Communiqué number three?

She must have done that when she dried you off..

Well, it's not your fault, captain.

You didn't do anything. You didn't say anything.

You we were just sitting there, drinking with the spy,

then she stole your papers.

In the end, nothing's the matter

except the firing squad. That's all.

Don't be concerned, gentleman.

This is exactly what we want.

Now she'll show up at the test,

reveal her hand, and we'll seize her.

What time is the test?

Uh, 11 tomorrow morning.

Good. I'll be there, and she'll never get away alive

because I'll get her with my cannonball suspender.

Watch this, Parmenter.

Ah-ha!

Now I'll go for the spare.

Ha-ha! Chalk up another one for B Wise.

At intelligence school, I majored in suspender ball.

Gentleman, we are about to begin

a most secret experiment.

It's in this crate.

Now, I know that the sergeant has warned you

about never discussing it.

Now, I will need one volunteer.

One of you to test the weapon.

That lucky volunteer will get a 14-day furlough to Dodge City.

That's for me, captain.

I'll do it, sir. I'll do it.

Now, wait a minute, Duffy.

See them two stripes? I'm a corporal. I'll do it.

I volunteered first, sir.

How dare you back sass me, Duffy!

I'm gonna test it.

You are, huh? Yeah.

Count these.

I'm the sergeant, and I'm gonna test it.

I'm proud of you, men.

Now, the weapon that's in this crate

that we're about to try out

has never really been tried before with a human being.

Please, captain, let us try.

I wanna try.

Hold it, you guys, for the last time.

Now, it's final. I am gonna do it.

It's a bulletproof vest.

That's it. I'm gonna take this gun

and fire these six bullets into that vest.

Now, who is gonna put it on?

I never wear vests.

Duffy, you may open the crate.

Yes, sir.

Now, our orders read that one member of the troop

should put on the vest, walk 10 feet away,

turn and face the squad,

which will then open fire upon him.

Now, where are you going?

Back to our quarters to get my riffle.

Stand where you are.

Dobbs, where would you be going?

Uh, to get my bugle.

I might have to blow "Taps."

Stay right there.

Vanderbilt, what are you up to?

If I'm gonna shoot at anybody from 10 feet,

I better go get my other glasses.

Don't any of you move.

Stay right where you are.

Attention, gentlemen. Line up.

Line up.

All right. Do what he says.

The honor of F Troop is at stake here.

Now, Washington expects one of our men

to test out this weapon,

and I want that man to take three steps forward.

My congratulations, corporal.

Oh, now, this is no time for false modesty.

I am proud to call you my buddy.

Have you seen our suspect, Miss Lorelei?

No, no sign of her yet.

Well, she may be armed and dangerous.

Captain Parmenter, I want you to guard the door on that side.

Sergeant O'Rourke, I want you to guard the door on that side.

Agarn you stand in the middle.

As for myself, I'll be in a dark corner somewhere,

out of harm's way. After all, this was my plan.

We shall now proceed.

Agarn, put on the bullet proof vest.

It'll never work.

Why not? It's not my size.

Oh, relax, will ya? Nothing's gonna happen.

Now, is there anything I get you?

Maybe a blindfold, a cigarette?

Attention!

Lemme see here.

The vest... properly on.

Now, are you ready, corporal?

Ready?

Aah!

They got me.

What a way to go.

The victim of a leaky vest.

Oh, stand up, will you?

You're all right.

Now we're gonna shoot.

Now you're gonna shoot?

I hope I'm not interrupting,

but I thought you might need this.

I found this envelope, and I think it's yours.

Ah-ha!

You didn't find that envelope of secret papers, you stole it.

Lorelei Duval, you're under arrest for espionage.

You didn't fool me with that

impersonation of a school teacher.

Give me that. Captain, arrest this woman.

Arrest this man.

Arrest this woman. Arrest this man.

This man. Arrest this woman.

Wait! Wait a minute!

What is this?

Captain, I'm from counter intelligence in Washington.

Here's my badge.

You wanna see legs? I'll show you legs.

I don't know whose legs to believe.

Well, I'm a little partial to hers, captain.

When Washington sent you this weapon,

they told me to come out here and look for traitors.

That's why I've asked so many questions.

He's the traitor.

He wants to sell information about the weapon to the Indians.

Fiddle-faddle!

I know. I know just what to do.

We'll put you both in the guardhouse,

and then we'll wire Washington to identify the real counterspy.

Now, don't anyone go for your guns.

Is he kidding?

Don't move, anybody.

That shoe is loaded.

You're holding up the wrong shoe.

It's your left shoe that has the gun in it.

That was wonderful, captain.

What keen observation to know he had the wrong shoe.

Well, it was nothing, really.

I knew all along this wasn't his gun shoe.

Well, I hope you're satisfied, captain.

You've just captured an honest, hard-working,

conscientious traitor. Ruin my whole day.

All right, Agarn, let's get him out of here.

Gentleman, I am happy to report

that we've heard from Washington.

B Wise was indeed a traitor

and has been turned over to the proper authority.

We shall now proceed with the testing

of the bulletproof vest. All set, corporal?

Humina, humina, humina... All right. Ready!

Aim... fire.

Am I all right?

I told you, pal, there's nothing for you to worry about.

See? Now, I'll just send this vest off to Washington.

And we... Wait a second.

There aren't any bullet marks on this.

You mean to tell me that nobody hit him from 10 feet?

Where'd all the bullets go?

Ooh. Ooh.

Captain, there.