Original subtitles

♪ The end of the Civil War Was near ♪

♪ When quite accidentally ♪

♪ A hero who sneezed ♪

♪ Abruptly seized ♪

♪ Retreat And reversed it to victory ♪

♪ His Medal of Honor Pleased and thrilled ♪

♪ His proud little Family group ♪

♪ While pinning it on Some blood was spilled ♪

♪ And so it was planned He'd command ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

♪ Where Indian fights Are colorful sights ♪

♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪

♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪

♪ Both turn chicken ♪

♪ When drilling and fighting Get them down ♪

♪ They know their morale Can't droop ♪

♪ As long as they all Relax in town ♪

♪ Before they resume With a bang and a boom ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

Well, I think I licked that cowlick for you, captain.

Hm? Oh, good.

Good for you, Dobbs.

A little brushin' ought to keep her down for sure.

Ah.

Say, I like that, Dobbs.

So does my little gray mare.

Every time I brush her up like this,

her tail flies up.

Well, I'm afraid I'm going to have to find another way

to show my appreciation.

You sure got a keen wit, captain.

Thank you.

Here we go.

D-D-Dobbs... haven't you forgotten something?

Uh, what, sir?

Shaving soap.

That's why you're captain, and I'm a private.

Hi, Wilton.

Mm... mm, later, Jane.

Hi, Jane.

I'm giving the captain my first shave.

I can see that.

Sorry about that, sir.

Thank you, Dobbs.

Wilton, do you know what this Saturday is?

This is no time to discuss it, Janey.

It's the 23rd of the month. Doesn't that ring a bell?

Jane, at a time like this,

the 23rd does not ring any...

Wait a minute. Wait a minute...

Wait... Wait... Wait a minute.

Wait. That does ring a bell.

I even wrote it down, here.

I knew you wouldn't forget, Wilton.

Of course not.

That's the day our treaty with the Hekawis ends.

It's also our anniversary.

It'll be six months this Saturday

that we first set eyes on each other.

Doesn't that mean anything to you?

Oh... Oh, why of course, Jane.

Happy anniversary.

Oh. Captain...

Do you think you'll have any trouble

gettin' the new treaty with the Hekawis?

Oh, no... No, I don't think so.

I better go find Sergeant O'Rourke though,

and... And get him to arrange a... A powwow with Chief Wild Eagle.

We'll just ride up to their camp and smoke the peace pipe.

Why, I'll bet they'll sign before the second pipefull.

The Hekawis will never sign a new treaty.

You may be right, major.

Sir, every report we've had from Washington

has followed the same pattern.

The Apaches refuse to sign a new treaty,

the Comanches refuse to sign, and so have the Sioux.

Sounds like Geronimo has finally talked to all the tribes

into launching full-scale attacks.

By midnight on Saturday, when the Hekawi treaty runs out,

we can expect a full-scale assault on Fort Courage.

Oh, yes, that's F Troop,

commanded by a Captain Parmenter.

I just had some urgent correspondence with him.

What did he say, sir?

He wanted a barbers' manual.

When the Hekawis go on the warpath,

they'll teach him how to give haircuts.

Major, as the new inspector general of this territory,

I'm assigning you to the Fort Courage area.

I was hoping you were gonna do that, sir.

It'll be your duty to see that F Troop

is a crack fighting unit.

It shouldn't be too difficult.

We have this new rifle I designed.

I think it's going to be the gun that wins the West.

The cavalry will long remember

the name of Major Chester Winster.

Thank you, sir.

What are you going to call your gun?

"The Chest Winster '76."

Let's hope those redskins never get their hands

on this amazing weapon.

Ready... aim... fire!

That's beautiful.

Wild Eagle, you've done it again.

Oh, perfect copy of the real thing.

They call it "the gun that'll win the West."

Hm. What West?

Oh, he doesn't mean this West. He means the other West.

Yeah, where the deer and the antelope play.

Believe me, chief, your share of the royalties

on that toy gun'll bring you plenty of wampum.

Who needs wampum? Send money.

All right, how many guns in that box?

We have 24 guns in crate,

and we will have 'nother 24 guns by time frost is on... pumpkin.

When is the frost on the pumpkin?

Before beaver starts building dam.

When is that?

Day after goose flies south.

Couldn't you be a little more specific, chief?

How about Thursday?

You got yourself a deal.

Come on, Agarn, give me a hand here.

Sergeant, uh, why don't you wait till guns are finished?

Well, the guy that owns the general store

over in Dodge City is due in Saturday

to pick up his order.

Sarge, he's gonna love 'em.

This is the best souvenir item

since the flaming arrow marshmallow roaster.

Yeah, every kid in the territory will have to have one of these

to play Cowboy and Indian.

Cowboys and Indians?

What happened to deer and antelope?

Well, what I meant, chief...

Indians always the losers.

Don't feel bad, chief.

We're planning another item for the kids

I know you gonna love... a toy massacre set.

Yeah, we got these toy covered wagons all in a circle,

and toy homesteaders all laying around, dead.

Next to their toy scalps.

That, I like!

Ah, you stick with O'Rourke Enterprises, chief.

You're gonna be up to your feathers in... In silver dollars.

Oh, shh!

What 's the matter?

I keep telling squaw you pay me off in beads.

Ah, good thinking.

Come on, Agarn.

Ah.

Hyah! Ha-ha!

Vanderbilt.

Vanderbilt!

What is it, Dobbs?

I'm too tried to climb up there and hit you.

It's me, Agarn.

Have you seen any sign of Sergeant O'Rourke?

No, thanks, Agarn.

I just had my coffee.

I said have you seen Sergeant O'Rourke...?

Agarn, what are you yelling about?

I've been...!

I've been looking for you, sarge.

The captain wants to see us in his office right away.

All right, let's go.

Yeah... Oh...

Uh, look, Dobbs,

if you're the least bit unsure of yourself,

maybe we should do this some other time.

Oh, no, captain. I'm ready.

Since you ran out of here yesterday

before I could shave you,

I did more readin' in my barbers' manual.

Oh, uh... That... That's a good idea, Dobbs.

You know, there's a whole chapter in here

on how to stop the bleedin'.

Oh? That... That's very comforting.

Sergeant O'Rourke, Corporal Agarn reporting, sir.

Uh...

Have you men spoken to Chief Wild Eagle

about a treaty powwow?

Oh, yes, sir. I spoke to the chief.

He said anytime it's good for you, is good for him.

Good, then you can set up a meeting for Saturday morning.

Right, sir.

Dobbs, what are you doing

with a razor in your hand?

Oh, I'm giving the captain a shave.

One nice thing about having the bugler shave you:

if anything goes wrong, he can always blow "Taps."

Now, now, now.

I have complete faith and confidence in Private Dobbs.

Right, sir.

Hey... Hey, you're not going to leave me alone, are you?

Well, I will stay here with you if you'd rather, sir.

I'll stay, but I won't watch.

Let's see, sir. I think we're about ready.

I've got the razor sharpened, the brush, the shaving soap.

What about his last will and testament?

Agarn, you're a card.

Ten-hut!

Oh!

At ease, captain.

Clean him off. I like to look into a man's eyes

when I'm speaking to him.

Yes, sir.

Thank you, Dobbs.

Uh, major...

I'm... I'm Captain Wilton Parmenter,

Sergeant O'Rourke,

Corporal Agarn, Private Dobbs.

I'm the new company barber.

And I am the new inspector general.

Oh, then you must be Major Chester Winster.

The man who gave us the Chest Winster '76.

The gun that will win the West.

Our hottest item.

What was that?

I said, if you can't shoot 'em, bite 'em.

Uh, major, i-i-if you please.

Uh, Private Dobbs, I'm sure,

would be happy to take you on an inspection tour of the fort.

I've already done that, sergeant.

Dobbs.

Uh, by leave, sir.

Well, if... If you have any ideas

on how we can improve the fort, sir,

We're always open to suggestions.

I have only one idea as to how this fort may be improved.

Oh, what's that, sir?

Condemn it.

Major, I... I think you just caught us at a bad time.

Captain Parmenter, this is the sorriest lot

of cavalry troopers I have ever seen.

You'd do better to put the uniforms on the horses.

That might be difficult, sir.

You see, the horse has four legs,

and we have two legs, and... Corporal!

Captain Parmenter, do you realize

that when I rode into this fort,

not one of your men gave me a second look?

And that soldier you have stationed on the lookout tower...

Oh, that would be Vanderbilt, sir,

the keenest Indian-spotter in the West.

Yes, sir.

He can hear a moccasin step on a twig at 100 yards.

Oh, really?

But when I shouted, "Hey, you on the lookout tower,

have you seen any Indians?" do you know what he answered?

No, sir.

"I'd love to, corporal,

but I don't know how to square dance."

Yeah, well, that's code, sir.

Mm. That's right.

And you were suppose to answer,

♪ Chase the possum Chase raccoon ♪

♪ Chase that old Red-tailed baboon ♪

♪ Oh, it jump up But it never come down ♪

♪ Chase that pretty girl Round and round ♪

♪ Ho-si-do and a ho-si-way Away with... ♪

Yeah, actually, major,

you see, we're not afraid of Indians, here.

We have a peace treaty with the Hekawis.

Oh... well... It... It expires on Saturday,

but I'm sure we'll have no trouble renewing it.

Renew it? Forget it.

We're going to let that treaty expire

and wipe out the Hekawis.

Humina... Hu... Hu... Humina... Humina...

Wipe out the Hekawi?

Well, now, l-let's not be hasty, sir.

Well, s-sir, we have to give the Hekawis the opportunity

to renew the treaty.

Captain, I want to give you an old saying

that may save your life.

"The only good Indian is a dead Indian."

A-and I'd like to give you an old saying

that may save your life.

And what's that?

"Starve a cold and feed a fever."

No, sir,

I think it's, "Starve a fever and feed a cold."

You may be right, Agarn...

No, no. "It's feed a cold, starve a fever."

Now, my grandma says it's:

"Starve a fever, and feed a cold..."

All right!

We'll give the Hekawis a chance to renew that treaty.

I think that's certainly a fair decision, sir.

Well, I've arranged a powwow with Chief, uh, Wild Eagle,

and, uh, I'm sure that we'll have no problem, sir.

As ranking officer, I will make the negotiations.

Captain Parmenter, I want you to keep your men standing by.

Standing by for what?

We're going to lay down such tough terms

that they'll never re-sign the treaty.

They won't? And then what happens?

We can wipe 'em out with a clear conscience.

Captain... my quarters.

If he orders us to wipe out those Hekawis,

we're gonna be in some real trouble.

There's always a bright side, sarge.

We might get lucky.

How?

They might wipe us out.

Careful, you make fire too big, Chief Wild Eagle.

Sorry, Smokey Bear.

When soldiers coming, chief?

Should come soon.

You go to lookout and ask if he see them coming.

Crazy Hawk, you see sign of soldiers?

No thanks, Crazy Cat.

Me just eat buffalo sandwich.

You call tribe together.

Enough with the drum.

The whole head just went.

And now, a word from our chief.

In few minutes, soldiers come to sign treaty...

Sergeant O'Rourke say new inspector general

is trying to get... You want to be chief,

or you want to let me be chief?

Sorry.

Now, another word from our chief.

O'Rourke say new inspector general

trying to make us break treaty.

So we must show we friendly Indian.

Smile, bow, scrape a little.

But always you must be... You never give up, do you?

Still bucking for chief.

Sorry.

Sorry, sorry.

Oh, here they come.

Remember, be friendly.

I'm sure that you'll find the Hekawis

a very friendly tribe, major.

Sergeant, uh... Huh?

See what I mean, sergeant?

We probably interrupted the council of war.

Be alert, men.

We must be prepared for anything.

How.

Me know how.

Well, you certainly can't get any friendlier than that.

She's probably trying to throw me off my guard.

I wish she'd throw me off mine.

Uh, chief, I want you to meet Major Chester Winster.

Pleasure to meet great white father.

You will like Hekawis.

Hekawis friendly people.

Always smile, always bow, always scrape.

Hekawis love everybody...

We came to discuss the new treaty.

Where do you want me to sign?

Oh, no.

This one is different from the last treaty we had.

Yeah, well, the chief doesn't care about that.

He just wants to live in peace. Uh, right, chief?

Where do you want me to sign?

Under the new terms, the Hekawis cannot carry knives,

tomahawks, bows and arrows, guns or any other kind of weapon.

What? Well, under those terms,

they wouldn't be able to hunt for their meat.

Hekawis vegetarians.

Friendly vegetarians.

Furthermore, we are establishing a curfew.

Every member of the tribe must be in his teepee by 7 p.m.

Why so late?

Um... And no member of the tribe

can wander off from their camp more than 20 yards.

Anywhere you hang your hat is home.

Well, I guess that covers the main points.

Just, uh, sign there on the bottom, chief.

Well, major.

I guess that takes care of that.

I'm sorry, major. I...

I always get a little emotional at treaty signings.

I knew we wouldn't have any trouble, Chief.

Hekawis friendly people.

We smile a lot.

We kiss a lot too.

Oh.

Well, that... That certainly beats smoking a peace pipe.

Attack the Hekawis?

You heard me, captain.

But that would be breaking the treaty.

They broke the treaty by hiding those rifles.

Oh, but, now, sir, I can't honestly say I saw any rifles.

You know, when I fell into that teepee,

my head hit something sharp.

That was a crate full of guns, you clod.

Uh, you sent for us, sir?

Yes, the major wants us to attack the Hekawis.

A defenseless tribe that's in bed by 7:00?

Oh, sir. Never.

If we do that, we'll stir up every tribe in this territory.

Did either of you see a crate full of guns in that teepee?

No, sir, I can't honestly say that I saw any guns.

I was looking right at 'em, and I didn't see 'em.

Well, I should know a crate full of my own rifles when I see it.

You mean they had the Chest Winster '76?

The gun that will win the West.

No... No, major.

What you saw was a box of old rifles

that the Hekawis use for hunting.

They claimed to be vegetarians.

That's right, sir.

They use the guns to keep the birds away from the vegetables.

Captain, I told you they were only signing that treaty

to gain time for a sneak attack.

Well, they're not going to get away with it.

Uh, major, perhaps I should take a scouting party

and go up to the Hekawi camp.

This is no time for a scouting party, sergeant.

Captain Parmenter, we are launching a full-scale attack

on the Hekawi tribe.

Captain... Captain, you just can't let him

attack our friends the Hekawis.

It would be wholesale slaughter.

And retail too.

Look, I'm sorry, men, but the major outranks me.

Yeah, only with that insignia on his shoulder,

not here, where it counts.

Corporal. Sir?

You take a horse and sneak out and go up to the Hekawi camp,

and tell them to run for the hills.

I knew you wouldn't let us down, sir, ho-ho.

Is that a humane human being?

Mm.

That sounds like "Assembly."

It ain't the "Camptown Races."

Men,

in a few moments, we are going on a very dangerous mission,

deep into the heart of the enemy camp.

Your assignment: wipe out the Hekawis.

I will lead the attack.

Sergeant O'Rourke.

Right, sir.

Duffy, when was the last time you cleaned that gun?

Ten minutes ago, sir.

I have seen cleaner barrels in a brewery.

Hm! Hoffenmueller!

You call that clean?

Ah!

Major, with your permission,

I would like to issue some new weapons

that just arrived, the Chest Winster '76s.

The gun that'll win the West.

Permission granted.

All right, men, fall out to the wagon.

Corporal Agarn is gonna issue some new weapons.

Go on.

Squaws are finished work on another crate of guns.

Mm-hm.

Ah, good work, Crazy Cat.

How you get squaws to make them so fast?

There's wise, old Indian saying:

"You show me raccoon with nose in mud,

and I show you squirrel with nut in tree."

What does that mean?

If I knew that, I'd be chief.

Squirrel may have nut in tree, but I think I got nut in tribe.

I told you they had guns.

Look for yourselves.

By George, those rifles look exactly like ours.

Sergeant, pass the word to standby.

Pass the word to standby.

Standby.

Standby.

Standby.

Standby.

But, major,

shouldn't our first objective be to capture the rifles?

Never.

Always remember, captain,

that a rifle is of no use without a trigger finger.

Well... But on the other hand, a triggerless finger

is no better than a fingerless gun.

Which is somewhat like having a fingerless finger

and a hairless hand.

What?

Which is somewhat... Will you...?!

Will you keep quiet?

Major, I think if we're going to attack,

now is the time.

Right.

Charge!

Fire!

No, no, major. Look, they're surrendering.

No surrender. Fire!

Fire!

Me love you too.

Sergeant O'Rourke, what kind of rifles are these?

The Chest Winster '76, sir.

The gun that's going to lose the West.

What is going on?

Well, you've got us surrounded, chief.

All right, men.

Put your hands up. We surrender.

I wanna die with my boots on.

And you say I'm a nut.

Major, the better part of valor is to live to fight another day.

Oh, all right, I surrender.

Hekawis win at last!

Uh, Chief Wild Eagle, I'd like to apologize

for this surprise attack a-and go back to our old treaty.

All right, we go back to old treaty.

Hekawis not sore winners.

That's very sporting of you, chief, hm.

All right, men, you can put your hands down now.

Keep your hands up.

Want to show off for neighbors.

Ah, chief. Come... Back to the fort.

Go on, go on.

It was in the factory.

That's it.

That's it!

The factory made a mistake!

Oh, I couldn't be wrong. I had...

T-ten years. Ten years I spent on this rifle.

What that all about, O'Rourke?

Ah, that hard-nosed major wanted us to wipe out the Hekawis.

Wipe us out with toy guns?

But the major didn't know that.

He thought these were real guns.

With real bullets?

Yeah.

And he wants to be chief.

Yeah, if I hadn't have switched these guns,

today could have been the last of the Hekawis, hm.

I think there's a job open here for a chief.

Troop, ten-hut!

Well, I certainly hope you have a pleasant trip back, major.

Thank you, captain.

And I'm sure you'll get the bugs out of your rifle.

I still don't know how that happened.

You can bet your life I'll track it down.

Oh, I'm sure you will, sir.

Present arms!

I may as well warn you, captain,

that as the new inspector general,

I'll be making these surprise visits pretty frequently.

Well, as far as F Troop is concerned, major,

you'll find the welcome mat always out for you.

You may regret saying that, captain.

Cannon, salute.