Original subtitles

♪ The end of the Civil War Was near ♪

♪ When quite accidentally ♪

♪ A hero who sneezed Abruptly seized ♪

♪ Retreat And reversed it to victory ♪

♪ His Medal of Honor Pleased and thrilled ♪

♪ His proud little Family group ♪

♪ While pinning it on Some blood was spilled ♪

♪ And so it was planned He'd command ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

♪ Where Indian fights Are colorful sights ♪

♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪

♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪

♪ Both turn chicken ♪

♪ When drilling and fighting Get them down ♪

♪ They know their morale Can't droop ♪

♪ As long as they all Relax in town ♪

♪ Before they resume With a bang and a boom ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

Ten-hut!

Aren't you one of us, Duddleson?

Salute with your right hand, not your left!

Sorry about that, but I always did have trouble

telling my right from my left.

I can tell that by looking at your boots.

Oh, corporal. Captain.

I just got word that the inspector general

is on his way here to check on F Troop's pension fund.

I hope Sergeant O'Rourke will be ready with a full report.

He will be, sir.

He's balancing the books right now.

I'll see you for 110, and 110, I raise.

Well, I'll see that.

And I'll raise you another...$200.

I have two pair, and they're all queens.

I always did have luck with the ladies.

Well, these three fives...

How's it going?

Hey. Great. Great.

Listen...

you gotta go get me some more money.

You mean you're losing?

The captain's been asking about ya.

He's been asking about the pension fund.

And now when he finds out there's gambling... Oh, sarge!

Go to the troop.

They must have some money stashed some place.

Three dollars and 85 cents.

Is that all you guys can raise?

I'd have had more, but I got to shooting dice

with Sergeant O'Rourke.

How about you, Vanderbilt. You always got money.

I just mailed mine to the bank.

I'm saving up to buy a telescope.

You what?!

Sergeant O'Rourke playing his heart out in a poker game

in that saloon for the glory of F Troop,

and all you can think about is yourself?

Oh, for shame.

How about you, Dobbs?

Oh, I gave all my money to Sergeant O'Rourke

for them Indian blankets.

Genuine Indian blankets! A hundred percent wool.

Ten-percent wool, 90-percent cotton.

I know, we make 'em.

Now, chief, why don't you buy 'em back?

It's gonna be a cold winter.

Snuggle up nice and warm.

Oh, stop sales talk.

Sleeping on an Indian blanket...

Like sleeping on a sheep's tummy.

Where you think that come from?

You make it up?

No.

We make it up.

Wild Eagle, I'm gonna level with ya.

How about a loan?

For sick grandmother have tonsils out in Kansas City?

We make that one up too.

Chief, you gotta have heart!

You know what a great card player the sarge is, right?

You give him a couple of dollars,

he'll win a fortune for us!

Your face will be on every nickel in the country.

Old Indian saying:

"Man who gamble with few dollars

always wind up on short end of buffalo horn."

He's playing with Dapper Dan, and he' a very easy mark.

New Indian saying:

"Man who play with fire,

have better chance than man who play with Dapper Dan."

Why you think Indians always ride bareback?

Dapper Dan win all the saddles.

Go sell blankets someplace else.

Genuine Indian blankets. A hundred percent wool.

Ten percent wool and 90 percent cotton.

I know, I bought a dozen from O'Rourke.

How about you, sir?

Looks like it's gonna be a long, cold winter.

He don't need 'em.

This here's my cousin Henry.

Just come out to help me for a few weeks.

Corporal Agarn, Henry Terkel.

Hi, pal.

I gotta get my hands on some money, Wrangler.

This is an emergency.

It ain't your grandma with the tonsils

back in Kansas City again, is it?

That was a deep cut, Wrangler.

This is a real emergency.

I gotta get some money, fast!

Corporal, I beg your pardon.

Perhaps I could be of assistance?

That'd be great.

We'll pay you back tomorrow.

You're too kind, sir.

What's that?

That's a little invention of mine.

It's called a talk-a-box.

You talk into the little box,

and someone else talks into another box from far away.

And you can hear each other.

As a matter of fact,

I have several of these set up in some of the stores.

I have one over at the livery stable,

I have one over in the saloon...

Let me get this straight.

You're gonna talk into this oatmeal box,

and somebody's gonna hear you at the livery stable?

Yes.

I suppose the guy at the livery stable,

he's got an oatmeal box too, huh?

That's right.

You mean he's standing around listening to an oatmeal box?

Yes, and you can make a lot of money

with this little invention too.

See, you charge people

every time they talk to each other.

You're gonna charge people for talking to each other?

Yes.

You see the way it works,

your voice goes into the little box here,

then it comes out, and it jumps along this little wire,

and it runs along the wire until it gets to the other box.

And then it jumps out of the other box

into the fella's ear.

Jumps off of the wire into your ear?

Yes.

Why don't you just tear the wires out of the boxes

and make yourself a nice bowl of oatmeal.

I hate to tell you this, Wrangler,

but I think your cousin's flipped his wheat cakes.

Why don't you watch where you're going?

Captain!

Are you all right, captain?

I'm fine. I'm fine.

You see, I'm fine.

I'm still looking for Sergeant O'Rourke, though.

You know the inspector general's due

first thing in the morning to pick up the pension fund.

And I haven't seen the sergeant all day.

He's down at the post office, captain,

mailing a letter.

Oh, no.

I hope it's not his grandmother in Kansas City again.

Yes, that's just... It is her.

Her tonsils are kicking up again.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, corporal.

Say, you don't have her address, do you?

I'd like to send her a get-well card.

Well, sir, the sarge has already sent her

a dozen roses in your name, sir.

Oh, really?

Oh, he's all heart, isn't he?

Yes, sir. He's all heart.

Well, I'll look for him in the post office.

Uh, if you don't see him there, you...

You might try the blacksmith's shop

and maybe the general store.

Oh, good. Thank you, corporal.

Oh, incidentally, where are you going with all the blankets?

Sergeant O'Rourke, sir.

He told me to get them for the men.

It gets mighty cold these nights in the barracks, sir.

Oh, really? Yes, sir.

Now, that's... That's good cavalry thinking, corporal.

Yes, sir. Thank you.

You can always depend on the sergeant

to do the right thing for the men, sir.

I lost the pension fund.

You lost the pension fund!

Don't worry. I'll get it back.

How much money did you raise for me?

A grand total of $6 and 85 cents plus an IOU for $10 from Duffy.

That's one chip.

One chip. What will you do?

Sergeant, shall we play a little penny ante

while your friend's out looking for some real money?

All right.

I'll bet the saloon.

You lost that an hour ago.

Oh, yeah. So I did.

All right then, the silver-plated saddle.

Go ask Jane.

Tell her it's not only for me

but for the captain as well.

Captain's not in the game.

Yes, he is.

I just lost the pension fund, remember?

The pension fund.

Play slowly.

Slowly.

That way you won't lose so fast.

Slowly.

It's not just for Sergeant O'Rourke.

Think of F Troop, no pension fund.

Well, I don't know.

Daddy always told me

there ain't no such thing as easy money.

Besides that, I don't like gambling.

It's more than gambling now, Wrangler.

Think of the captain. He'll lose face.

He might even lose... his bars.

Pardon me, corporal.

Perhaps I can be of assistance?

Another oatmeal box?

No, no, no, no.

Here is another one of my moneymaking inventions.

Now, they call it a hear-a-box, and I'll show you how it works.

First of all, you push this little button right here.

Now, you sit on your bicycle, and you start pedaling.

That's where you get your power.

Wrangler, I don't know about him.

Now, let's say there's some fella in Cincinnati

playing the violin.

Let's say that.

Now, the music floats through the air over these sound waves,

and it comes out right here.

You mean, you pedal a bike,

and you can hear a guy playing fiddle in Cincinnati?

Oh, these waves transmit any sorts of sounds.

It might be a symphony orchestra from Cleveland.

Oh, you left Cincinnati, now you're in Cleveland.

Now, if it's money you want, here is your answer.

You see, you make people pay to hear the music.

Oh, when I want music,

I buy the piano player a beer, and he...

plays any song I want.

Listen, I wouldn't tell anybody about this if I were you.

You're gonna get into trouble.

They're gonna put you away.

Wrangler, you gotta do it. Let us have some money.

I'll tell you what.

I'll go to that game myself

'cause I gotta see what's going on.

I don't trust this here gambling business.

Bless you, wrangler. Let's go.

Can I go along with ya?

I know a little bit about that.

Oh, no. You stay here.

Play with your oatmeal boxes, pedal your bicycle.

And ask that guy in Cincinnati to play "Oh! Susanna."

Would you do that?

How do you do? I'm Captain Parmenter.

Well, how do you do, captain?

I'm Henry Terkel, Janie's cousin.

Oh, I'm glad to meet you.

What you have here, Mr. Terkel?

Oh, this is a little invention of mine.

I dabble in inventions.

Uh-huh. And what is that?

It's a table.

You fold it up and put it in the closet.

Then when you need it,

you take it out and you set it up.

You, uh, want to keep a table in the closet?

Why not?

Well, you know, most people who have a table,

they like to set it up right in the middle of a room.

Well, this is an extra table, don't you see?

When friends come over, if you wanna play cards.

You get... I have some cards right here.

By the way, do you play cards, captain?

Well, I have played some hearts.

Oh, well, that's nice. I've played...

Would you mind picking up

that three of diamonds for me, please?

Well, that's face down. How do you know it's a three?

It has to be a three, captain,

because I looked when I riffled through the deck

and the three was the 17th card in the deck.

And it was right next to the eight of hearts

which was the 16th card in the deck.

The 15th was the six of clubs.

The 14th was the...

You remember cards just by looking at them fast?

I never forget a card. Or a name. Or a face.

Well... Oh, that reminds me.

Have you seen Sergeant O'Rourke?

I haven't met him.

Oh, well, where's Jane?

She's over at the saloon playing cards.

She's what?

She and Corporal Agarn went to the card game.

They're at the card game with Sergeant O'Rourke

and Dapper Dan.

You see, I never forget a name.

Jane and Sergeant O'Rourke and Corporal Agarn, gambling?

With Dapper Dan?

Gambling is absolutely forbidden in this territory.

Dobbs.

Face the saloon and blow "Assembly."

Uh, face the saloon, sir, and blow "Assembly"?

Yes, I want everybody out of that saloon.

Begging the captain's pardon, sir,

but don't we have enough drunks in F Troop already?

Well... Never mind that, Dobbs,

just face the saloon and blow "Assembly."

I want them all out of there.

Begging the captain's pardon again, sir,

but long as I'm facing the saloon,

shouldn't I blow "Drink To Me Only With Thine Eyes"?

Never mind, just go inside there

and tell Sergeant O'Rourke and Corporal Agarn

to report to me in my office immediately.

Well, I'm even luckier than ever

when there's a lovely lady like you around.

Oh, really?

All right, come on, Agarn. What do you got to put up?

This is a solid-gold belt buckle.

Mother gave it to me when I graduated the fourth grade.

Oh. Forgive me, Mother.

Mother would be proud of you. It's for a worthy cause.

Uh, Corporal Agarn, Sergeant O'Rourke,

Captain Parmenter wants to see you in his office right away.

On the double.

Don't... Don't go away. I'll be back.

Sergeant, I am ashamed of you.

Ashamed.

This is no way to set a proper example for your men.

This gambling has to stop right now.

And I want Dapper Dan out of town.

Well, that may be a little difficult to arrange, sir.

Yeah, now that he owns most of the town.

What's that, corporal?

I said... he's the toast of the town, sir.

I don't care.

I don't care if he is the toast of the town.

I want him out of here tomorrow morning

before the inspector general arrives.

He's coming here to pick up the pension fund... That's $2000.

And I expect you in my office with the money at 9:30.

Dismissed.

Well, sarge, what do we do?

I don't know, but I'll think of something.

I got it. What?

The captain wants the money by 9:30?

Right. We leave town at 9.

Ah. For desertion you get 20 years.

So what?

For embezzling army funds, you get 25.

I just saved us five years.

What are you doing here, Henry?

I thought if you still needed money, I got another idea.

Please, Henry, not now.

But... But this is it. I call it my wagon mobile.

It's like a horse and buggy.

Where do you hook up the horse?

You don't use a horse.

It runs on liquid, like oil and kerosene.

You're gonna give kerosene to a horse?

No, no, no.

You put the oil in the gadget,

and that makes the wheels go round.

You put oil in the buggy,

and you'll wind up with four slippery wheels.

But I thought...

Shh, shh. The sarge is concentrating.

One.

No. That was a mistake.

Why?

Well, he's drawing to...

He's drawing to a straight,

and he shouldn't be drawing to a flush.

His chances of making a straight are 23-1, a flush 7-1.

Besides that, I watched him shuffle.

His next card will be the nine of clubs,

and the card he needs is two cards from the bottom.

Jack of hearts.

How do you know all that?

Oh, I have a knack.

I remember things like names, faces.

I even remember the names of the kids I went to school with.

There was a Felicia Abernethy.

There was Homer Abercrombie.

Leroy Crowell... He was a funny kid.

He used to do his homework on butcher paper.

And his long underwear was always damp at the wrists.

Never mind. Go on outside.

I wanna talk to you.

I'll be back in a minute, sarge.

I think I got something here.

Play slowly.

That way you won't lose so fast.

Henry, tell me, confidentially...

did you ever play cards?

I do not gamble.

I do not drink, I do not pursue women.

You know what I like to do?

I like to collect seashells. I listen to them.

They tell me things.

Henry, you missed out.

Do you realize how much money you could make

playing cards with your brains?

Wouldn't you like to do something

for the men in uniform?

For the what?

Don't you realize while you're safe at home

listening to your seashells,

the men of F Troop are protecting you,

standing guard against the bloodthirsty redskin?

I think that's nice of them.

Nice of them?

The least you could do is get in that card game

and help the sarge save the pension fund for the men.

But I do not gamble.

Don't you realize we've lost all the money in the pension fund

in that card game?

Corporal Agarn, reporting for court-martial, sir.

Did I hear you say that Sergeant O'Rourke

has lost the pension fund to Dapper Dan?

Well, if all you're interested in is fact, sir.

I thought so. I knew they wouldn't stop.

We could win, sir. We could get it all back.

Henry here is a wiz at cards.

I told you corporal, as long as I am military governor

of this territory, there will be no gambling.

With Henry, it isn't gambling. It's a sure thing.

We gotta get somebody into that game.

That game will end in a moment. I'm going in there and stop it.

Oh, captain, you can't!

We can't stop now. We're losing.

How are you gonna tell the inspector general

we ain't got the $2000?

What are you gonna tell him?

Well, I'll just tell him that we... Uh...

We... are in a little trouble here, aren't we?

He's beaten O'Rourke. He won't play with me.

Somebody's gotta get up to that table who's a big shot.

Famous gambler.

Somebody who'd be kind of like a challenge to him.

I know.

Beauregard Clayton, Mississippi riverboat gambler.

The fastest shuffle in the South.

Who is he?

You is he. Me is he?

Captain, if you go into that game,

make him believe you're Beauregard Clayton,

and you do what Henry says, you're gonna win.

Oh, no.

Oh, no. I can't do that, corporal.

I'm not Beauregard Clayton, I'm Wilton Parmenter.

Military governor of this territory.

You're also the old man, sir.

Captain of F Troop who'd do anything for his men.

You don't wanna see your brave soldiers

go without their pensions?

Oh, no, of course not, but...

And what of the sergeant, sir?

He was so sure he could double the money for the troop.

You know how big his heart is.

Oh, gambling with their money.

A mistake, sir, I agree.

But we all had faith in him.

To a man...

Well, now that you put it that way...

What's that?

That's my talk-a-box.

It's working again. Isn't that interesting?

Talk-a-box? Yes.

See it's connected up to the saloon.

We can hear what they're saying, but they don't know it.

Now, O'Rourke will be back here at the table

in just a few minutes.

You got the new signals, right?

Yeah, Dan.

If O'Rourke's got two of a kind,

I have the waiter bring two beers.

Three of a kind, three beers.

Anything higher than that, he comes with a full tray.

The crook! No wonder we're losing.

That's cheating.

Let's go get 'em, captain. I mean, Beauregard.

Yes, corporal, Beauregard Clayton it is.

Out of my way!

I say, out of my way, here.

If you please, sir.

Make way, here!

I hear there's some action going on here.

Beauregard Clayton's the name, poker's my game.

Beauregard Clayton, richest man in the South.

Biggest gambler this side the Mississippi.

Move over, boy, I'll play that hand.

Well, oh, yes, sir, capt... I mean, uh, Mr. Clayton.

Sorry, I don't have much of a stake here for ya.

It's all right, boy, it's all right.

There's plenty of chips here for everybody.

Shall we raise the limit, Mr. Clayton?

Most certainly, sir.

Beauregard Clayton plays high, the limit's the sky.

How about $10 ante, and jacks are betted open?

That, sir, is purely music to my ears.

I believe I'll just bet all these to open.

And I'll trouble you for one card, sir.

I'll say, uh, $250.

Is that any good?

Are you questioning me, sir?

Perhaps you didn't catch my name.

I'll throw it again. Beauregard Clayton, sir.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

Well, are you gonna cover my bet, sir?

All right. All right, all right.

I got a straight.

Oh, my.

And all I got is two, three, four, five, jack.

But... they are all the same color, sir.

That's a flush.

I believe that beats a straight.

Well, have you had enough, sir,

or shall we now play for your horse and your cane?

I could use an extra cane.

That does it. I'm through.

May I assist you, sir?

Dapper Dan, here's a little traveling money,

so you may leave this fair city.

Beauregard Clayton

don't like to see no sore losers hanging around.

Ah, Captain, you were terrific!

We got our pension fund back and a lot more.

Well, I told ya.

Clayton's my name, and poker's my game.

Parmenter's your name, and kissing's your game.

Well, there she is.

I certainly wanna thank all you folks.

It was certainly very kind of you

to invest all your winnings in my new invention.

Why, you don't have to thank us,

after all, look what you did for us.

We know a genius when we see one.

Ah, the sarge always knows.

We'll get our money back 10 times over.

That's right, Henry. It's a wonderful idea.

Just think, sergeant. No horses.

Here we go. Here she is.

Beauty, eh?

Beautiful. Just beautiful.

But you know what, my talk-a-box

and my hear-a-box are a little bit of...

Well, now, don't worry about that junk.

This wagon mobile is more practical.

We'll make a fortune. Right.

Just think, from here to Dodge in a matter of a few hours.

Yeah, think about that. Put the luggage in right here.

There we go.

Don't forget to wire us when you get there.

We'll be waiting for the good news.

I wish I had got some new luggage... Ah!

So long, you guys.

All set? All set.

Hey.

All right, come on. All you guys out of here.

Come on now, move back.

That's right.

Give him some room there.

All set.

That way to Dodge City.

Hang on. So long.

Well, sarge...

looks like we're back in the blanket business.

Hup! Hup!

There we go.