Original subtitles

♪ The end of the Civil War Was near ♪

♪ When quite accidentally ♪

♪ A hero who sneezed Abruptly seized ♪

♪ Retreat And reversed it to victory ♪

♪ His Medal of Honor Pleased and thrilled ♪

♪ His proud little Family group ♪

♪ While pinning it on Some blood was spilled ♪

♪ And so it was planned He'd command ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

♪ Where Indian fights Are colorful sights ♪

♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪

♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪

♪ Both turn chicken ♪

♪ When drilling and fighting Get them down ♪

♪ They know their morale Can't droop ♪

♪ As long as they all Relax in town ♪

♪ Before they resume With a bang and a boom ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

Two, three, four... Column left... march!

Look alive.

Hup!

Right front end of line. Ho!

One pace forward.

Ho!

Knucklehead.

Back in line!

Where is it?

Over there.

All right, at ease.

All right, men.

Now, this morning,

the new medical officer in the territory

is going to give us our annual physicals.

And not a moment too soon, sir.

Oh, there's nothing wrong with you, Agarn.

It's all in your head.

If you haven't been feeling well,

be sure and tell that to the doctor.

I've got it all written down on this list.

Cold chills.

Hot chills. Lukewarm chills.

You've got everything on there but the black plague.

Keep reading.

Hoof-in-mouth disease?

Yes, sir.

Last week, my horse put his hoof in my mouth.

If he's got all that wrong with him,

we don't have to bother with a doctor, sir.

We can just wrap him in a flag

and give him a military funeral.

You're in luck, Corporal Agarn.

I just learned how to play "Taps."

I guess I'd be laughing and making jokes too,

if it wasn't so close to the end.

Oh, now, corporal,

I'm sure the doctor is going to find you

in the same perfect health that I'm in.

Let's go.

Ooh!

Are you all right, captain?

Yes, I'm fine. I'm fine.

I just have a little pain in my knee.

I've got that on my list too, captain.

It's right between appendicitis and gout.

Now.

All right, fall out to the barracks for inspection.

All right, here we go.

Line up. Have a little order here.

Good morning, Lieutenant Anderson.

Ah. Ow.

That's all right,

I always do that with my quill pen.

Ah-ah!

Wait your turn, Agarn.

Sarge! Don't you think he ought to take

the more serious cases first?

The captain is the ranking officer,

and he gets the first examination.

Any time you're ready, doctor.

I... I say. Uh...

Any time you're ready, doctor.

Any time you're ready, doctor!

Oh, uh... I'm sorry, sir.

I'm... I'm not used to being called "doctor."

You see, I just graduated from medical school.

When?

Last week. I'm leaving.

If you don't pull yourself together,

he'd better have a cure for a fat lip.

Uh, w-would you please take your shirt off.

Oh, yeah.

Hm.

I have some very bad news for you, captain.

Oh? What is it?

Your heart's stopped.

It has?

All right, lieutenant.

Uh, the captain here may just be one of those rare people

whose heart is on the left side.

Oh, uh, yeah.

Yes, of course. Uh, thank you, sergeant.

Begging the lieutenant's pardon,

I demand to see your diploma.

He's only kidding, lieutenant.

You're certainly in good physical condition, captain.

Oh, well, thank you.

Thank you, doctor.

Here, Vanderbilt, you'd better go next

and have your eyes checked.

Thank you, sarge.

Uh, you see what I mean?

What kind of duty does this man have?

He's our lookout.

And we want to make sure

he's got the right kind of glasses.

Uh, would you please read

the top line of the chart?

U... S... A... R... M... Y.

U, S, A, R, M, Y?

You're reading my belt buckle.

How did I do?

Very good, Vanderbilt. Very good.

Wilton...

I got a letter for you.

Oh. Jane.

Jane, you shouldn't be in here.

But this is from the War Department,

marked "urgent."

Jane, this is a little embarrassing.

Captain. I think you'd better read the letter.

Oh.

Let's see.

What's up?

The famous Mexican bandit, El Diablo,

was reported seen in the territory.

Yeah, here's his picture.

Oh, no!

What's the matter, corporal?

Do you know what El Diablo's real name is?

Agarnado.

Agarnado?

So what?

El Diablo is my cousin!

Señor El Diablo. Yo, gringo.

Usted, bandido.

Usted under arresto!

Captain Parmenter.

"Uno" momento.

That's Spanish for "one moment."

That's what we come to talk about.

Oh, you want to study Spanish?

No, sir.

I want the captain's permission to go out

and capture my cousin, El Diablo.

The dirty rat.

Oh, no. No, no, no.

"El diablo" means "the devil."

"Dirty rat" is, uh...

No, what he means is that he wants to go out

and capture El Diablo single-handed.

Oh, no, no.

I couldn't let you do that, corporal.

Oh, sir, you don't understand.

I've gotta clear the family name.

Well, now, I certainly understand your family pride,

but it's much too dangerous for you to go alone.

Oh, sir, I'm not afraid.

As long as I know El Diablo's in the territory,

I won't sleep at night.

Ah, well you take a nap every afternoon anyway.

I-I just don't think you could capture a bandit

like El Diablo single-handed.

Oh, don't you worry about that, sir.

He's probably hiding out with his bandits.

In the hills, in one of those caves.

They like caves, you know.

And I'll walk in,

go right up to him and say,

"El Diablo, you're in America,

and I arrest you in the name of the United States Army."

When you get to Mexico, let us hear from you.

Even if it's only a postcard.

But wouldn't your relatives be upset with you

if you turned in your own flesh and blood?

None of the family ever liked him, sir.

Take Granny Agarn in Passaic.

If you could ask Granny Agarn in Passaic

what she thought about cousin, she'd say,

I always said Pancho Agarnado

would never amount to a hill of beans...

which he kept eatin' all over my living room rug.

Then you could ask my uncle, Gaylord Agarn, in Tallahassee.

I tell you, sir. My nephew, Pancho Agarnado,

is the boll weevil in the Agarn family cotton bush.

You could even ask his own sister about him.

My cousin, Carmen.

Poncho is a desgraciado...

Don't bother, captain.

You won't find those words in there.

Now, look, Agarn,

we all know how your family feels.

But the captain is right.

You can't go after him alone.

Captain, for the last time, I ask you:

Let me clear the name of Agarn from Passaic to Chihuahua.

All right, Agarn. You can go.

Captain... But with the men of F Troop.

But then Sergeant O'Rourke will be in charge.

No, no, no.

Sergeant O'Rourke and I

will stay behind with Dobbs to hold the fort,

and you can take the troop and capture El Diablo.

Thank you, sir.

Thank you for giving me the chance

to clear the family name of Agarn.

Stop already with the shooting!

This not New Year's Eve.

Chief Wild Eagle, them not celebrating.

They from south of the border.

Down Mexico way?

Bandits.

Bandits.

Who is the chief of this tribe?

He is. He is.

El Diablo did not ride all the way from Chihuahua

for kidding around.

El Diablo?

The famous Mexican bandit

who robs banks, stagecoaches, gold trains,

and who has a $10,000 reward on his head?

I see you have heard of me.

No.

You've come to rob our village?

El Diablo does not rob the poor.

Shake hands with the chief.

Con mucho gusto, jefe.

Chief, him have very familiar face.

You right.

Where I seen you before?

Must be in the post office.

I hate those pictures.

Bandits always look ten pounds heavier on reward posters.

Agarn!

Agarn? Corporal in F Troop

look exactly like you.

Same size, same color eyes,

same nose, very stupid.

He is my cousin.

Smartest soldier at the fort.

Which way is it to Fort Courage?

Go back same trail you came.

Make right turn at big rock that look like bear.

Then make left turn at big bear that look like rock.

El Diablo will find it.

You going to visit your cousin Agarn at the fort?

Sí. And then I rob the bank.

Rob the bank?

Sí. I want to show my cousin

that I am not the failure that my family thought I would be.

He can then write a letter to my grandmother

so she'll shut up about the beans.

And that goes for my cotton-picking Uncle Gaylord

and that loco sister of mine,

with the rose in her teeth.

Vámonos, muchachos!

We go to rob the bank!

Just my luck.

I'm in business with the wrong cousin.

Well, boss,

nice seein' somebody in the saloon today.

Even if you're not a paying customer.

Yeah, we're not gonna have any payin' customers around here

for a couple of days.

F Troop is out on an assignment.

What's the matter?

The Hekawis are on a warpath?

Are you kiddin'?

Wild Eagle has to send out a draft call

to get enough braves for a rabbit hunt.

Some other tribe causin' trouble?

Nah, there's a rumor going around

that one of them Mexican bandits is in the territory.

Not El Diablo?

Yeah, that's the guy. El Diablo.

Where you going?

I won't know till I get there.

Wait a minute.

You can't walk out on me

and leave the saloon like this.

Get El Diablo.

I'm sure he makes a great margarita.

What's the matter with him, sergeant?

Well, he heard El Diablo was comin', and he panicked.

Well, he's not the only one.

Once the rumor got around,

folks got out of town faster than hogs going to a mudhole.

See for yourself, sergeant.

I don't believe it.

Do you mean to tell me that everybody left town

just because they heard Diablo was comin'?

No.

They also heard that Corporal Agarn

was sent out to capture him.

I think from now on, we'd better

keep our orders top-secret.

They've practically turned Fort Courage

into a ghost town.

Ah, this don't make any sense.

Why would a bandit like El Diablo

wanna rob a bank in a poor town

like Fort Courage?

I need the practice, señor.

Ah. Now... Now, you...

You stand right where you are.

Uh, Señor El Diablo.

Yo es gringo.

Usted es bandits.

Uh, usted es under arresto.

Uh, well... let me put it another way.

You don't have to take that from him, Wilton.

Go ahead. Tell him what you were gonna say.

Well, I...

I can't say what I was going to say.

I have a hole in my verb conjugations.

You're lucky you don't get a hole in the head, captain.

Take their guns.

All right.

This one is mine.

My name is Felipe.

Felipe.

Here, now. EL DIABLO: Felipe!

You stop that, or I tell your mother!

I tell ya, I don't believe it.

Spittin' image of Agarn.

Same face, same color eyes,

same nose, same stu... Mm.

Same intelligent look.

Captain, where is my cousin?

Well, he... He's out on an assignment right now.

As a matter of fact, he's out lookin' for you. Uh...

Oh, yeah, yeah. The minute he heard

that you were in the territory,

he wanted to have, like, a...

A family reunion.

In that case,

make yourself comfortable, my friends.

El Diablo will wait for his cousin to return.

Oh, no. He may not be back for days.

El Diablo is in no hurry to leave, señor.

You mean you're gonna keep us prisoners here?

No, señorita.

You are going to be my guests.

There is plenty of food, plenty of whiskey.

We are going to have a... A fiesta.

That means "party" in Spanish.

Now, look, amigo... Oh!

You speak Spanish.

Felipe, some music.

Pedro, you come back here and be the bartender.

He makes a terrific margarita.

Any request?

Felipe!

Sí, sí, jefe.

Now, wait a minute.

You don't want no party in this place.

Why not?

Well, the food is terrible,

and the whiskey will kill you.

Señor, you are looking at a man

who drinks straight cactus juice

while it's still in the cactus.

Bartender, I'll have one of them margaritas,

whatever that is.

No, you won't.

But, Sarge, this is a fiesta.

That's "party" in Spanish.

Well, you're still on duty.

Give the boy a drink!

Give everybody a drink!

I'll have a sarsaparilla.

Make that two.

Bring it over to them, please.

You... like the music, captain?

Oh, yes.

Yes, he's a very good guitar player.

Uh... hey.

Dobbs, why don't you, uh...

Why don't you join him.

Make it a real party.

Now you're talking, sergeant.

For a minute I thought you were going to be a fiesta-pooper.

I can't play that Mexican music.

Why, sure you can.

And when you get in a chance,

put out a call to the troops.

They might be back at the fort.

Well, now,

this is what I call a real party.

Any time you're ready, Mr. "Fillippi."

One more trick like that,

and he will be blowing "Taps" for you.

Now, the sergeant was merely doing his duty.

As captured American soldiers, we must attempt to escape.

Is that so?

The captain is very light on his feet.

Dance with the señorita.

I will not.

Please, Wilton. It ain't gonna hurt none.

No, Jane.

Come on, Wilton, please.

I won't dance, don't ask me.

You better do as El Diablo say.

It's illegal to dance in this town

till after 6:00.

I will gladly dance with the señorita.

Felipe.

You'd better do like he says, captain.

Come one, Wilton.

Come on.

It ain't gonna hurt anything.

Come on.

Olé!

I didn't know I could do that.

Ooh.

♪ La-la-la, La-la-la Ya-ya-ya-ya ♪

♪ Ya-ya-ya ya-ya ♪

♪ La-la-la-la-la La-la-la ♪

♪ La-yaa ♪

♪ Ya-ya-ya ♪

All right. You're all under arrest for mutiny.

This is no mutiny, Agarn.

We just wanna go home.

And you're gonna be court-martialed, Hoffenmueller.

As soon as I find out what you said.

This whole thing is a wild goose chase.

We don't even know what this El Diablo looks like.

Didn't you see the picture?

What picture?

Well, he looks just like me.

Same size, same color eyes, same nose.

Same stupid look.

All right, Duffy, that's it.

I want volunteers for a firing squad.

Don't bother.

You forgot the ammunition.

All right, men. Chow call.

You forgot to bring the food too.

Now, don't panic, men.

We'll be able to get something to eat

just as soon as I find out where we are.

Why don't you look at the map, Agarn?

I put that in with the food and the ammunition.

You realize that's the fourth sandwich

and the third beer that you've had already?

Mr. "Die-ablo" said we should eat and drink.

I just want to make him happy.

Did you ever stop to think

that while you're making him happy,

you're breaki" my heart.

Why is it breaking your heart, sergeant?

I was just thinking about poor Pete.

I mean, we're eati" and drinkin' up

all of his profits.

And there's a man with a big family to support, and...

Well, you can't expect us to pay for this.

No, no, no. Wait a minute, Jane.

I agree with Sergeant O'Rourke.

I knew you'd see it my way, sir.

El Diablo.

We've all decided that the meal should be paid for.

Pay for the meal?

Separate checks, of course.

Uh, Felipe, you had the ham and cheese.

No, no, no.

I have the liverwurst.

Oh, that's right. Pedro, you had the ham and cheese. That's it.

And, uh, El Diablo, you had the roast beef,

heavy on the mustard.

Now, let's see, without the tip...

El Diablo did not ride

all the way from Chihuahua just to kid around.

Uh, robbing a bank is one thing,

but taking money away from a poor saloon keeper,

that's terrible.

El Diablo does not rob the poor.

El Diablo rob the rich and give to the poor.

El Diablo's what you call, um...

Little Red Riding Hood.

No. That's "Robin Hood."

That's what I am.

Little Red Robin Hood.

Captain, uh...

There's no sense to break up a nice party

over a little check.

Why don't you teach me that dance?

No, no, really, sergeant. I think...

Now, captain.

I always did wanna learn one of them, uh...

Mexican dances.

Felipe, música para los gringos.

I'm really not very good at this, sergeant.

It's a decoy.

No, it's not a decoy. It's flamenco. Sh!

What we'll do is we'll dance over.

And when I give the signal, we rush 'em.

Okay.

Well, how does it go, captain?

All right.

Again, you are trying with the funny business.

We weren't trying any funny business.

It's just that we never

danced together before.

You cannot make a fool of Diablo.

The fiesta is over.

Stand up against the wall.

Put your hands up and stay where you are!

Where are the other soldiers?

I don't know.

I was looking for them myself.

What are you doing here, lieutenant?

I just came over to show Corporal Agarn my diploma

from medical school.

You're a doctor?

That's right. He's our medical officer.

And he doesn't even have a gun.

I demand you let him go.

Never.

An Agarnado never lets a doctor go.

I think I have a fever.

It's uncanny.

You look just like Corporal Agarn.

He's my cousin.

It's amazing.

Same size, same color eyes, same nose.

Same pale look on his face.

I'll bet he's even got cold chills.

Sí, sí. Cold chills.

Hot chills?

Sí, sí. Hot chills.

Lukewarm chills?

Sí. Lukewarm chills all the time.

I'll bet he's got the same thing his cousin Agarn had...

Hoof-in-mouth disease.

Hoof-in-mouth disease? I shoot my horse.

Uh, wait a minute.

Uh, lieutenant... this man may be a bandit,

but he is, after all, a human being.

I demand that you treat him.

Sí, sí.

I'm a human being.

Treat me, treat me.

In an emergency like this,

you've got to take him to the fort dispensary.

But, captain... That's an order.

You heard the captain.

That's an order.

Take me to the dispensary.

Pedro. Felipe.

Here, pick him up and follow me.

There we go.

Right to this... That's it.

Hey, hey.

There's no sign of anybody.

Captain Parmenter, Sergeant O'Rourke, Dobbs.

All gone.

With you as our leader,

we could be in the wrong fort.

Oh.

You're just asking for a court-martial, Duffy.

Vanderbilt, go out and take a look at the sign.

He can't even find the gate.

Hoffenmueller.

He can't read English.

Oh! Ah, don't worry about a thing now, El Diablo.

You'll be as good as new in the morning.

Look.

All right, here we go.

Right into the dispensary.

Sarge. You captured my cousin.

That was quick thinking, sergeant.

Ah, there was nothing to it.

Same size, same color eyes, same nose.

Same stupid look on his face.

Good morning, Pancho.

I'd like to read you a little letter

I'm writing to Granny Agarn in Passaic.

I knew you would do something like that.

You was always a rotten little kid.

I just wanted to let granny know she was right.

You gotta face it, Pancho.

You're a loser.

You are right, my cousin.

The whole family was right.

I am not being a...

What is that... mark under your eye?

I hope it's not serious.

A mark?

Under which eye?

Your right eye.

Is it sort of... red?

Blotchy?

I cannot see too good.

Better come closer.

I still cannot see too good.

Better come inside.

I give it a good look.

Pancho! Take a good look, please.

Now I see your eye in the good light.

It was nothing.

Adios, my cousin.

Give my love to granny.