Original subtitles

♪ The end of the Civil War Was near ♪

♪ When quite accidentally ♪

♪ A hero who sneezed Abruptly seized ♪

♪ Retreat And reversed it to victory ♪

♪ His Medal of Honor Pleased and thrilled ♪

♪ His proud little Family group ♪

♪ While pinning it on Some blood was spilled ♪

♪ And so it was planned He'd command ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

♪ Where Indian fights Are colorful sights ♪

♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪

♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪

♪ Both turn chicken ♪

♪ When drilling and fighting Get them down ♪

♪ They know their morale Can't droop ♪

♪ As long as they all Relax in town ♪

♪ Before they resume With a bang and a boom ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

Come in.

Uh, you wanted to see me, sergeant?

Oh, yes, sir. This just came for you, sir.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Let me see.

Oh, it's about our new replacement.

He'll be coming in on the next stage.

We'll meet him, sir, and give him a briefing, as it were.

Good. His name is Private Leonard W. Starr.

Did you say "Leonard W. Starr"?

That's what it says here, corporal.

Wrongo!

"Wrongo"?

Wrongo, sir.

Leonard W. Starr is Wrongo Starr.

We're getting him, captain? Wrongo Starr?

Well, what does that mean, corporal?

Do you know his record, sir?

No.

He has been with four outfits,

and the luckiest was with General Custer

at the Little Bighorn.

Captain, I tell you, this man is bad news.

He is a jinx.

Oh, now, sergeant.

That's ridiculous.

There's no such thing as a jinx.

He used to be in the Navy, captain.

The first three ships they put him on went down.

Then they transferred him to the cavalry.

First day there, his horse died.

That's all coincidence.

A horse could die anytime.

Of chicken pox?

Yeah, though, that's... That's just a silly rumor.

Captain, that may be,

but I wanna tell you...

Sergeant, the stage is due any minute.

I suggest you meet it.

Hey, hey. Whoa.

What happened?

Darndest thing I ever saw.

One of the stagecoach wheels

fell off coming outta Kansas City.

Driver got knocked clear outta the seat.

Are you Wrongo Starr?

Yes, sir.

Well, Wrongo, I am Sergeant O'Rourke

and this here is Corporal Agarn.

Oh. Hi, fellas.

I'm so happy to meet all of you.

Would one of you kind gentlemen please help me with my bags?

I'd be delighted, ma'am.

I'm afraid I have rather a lot of luggage.

I'm planning to open a knickknack shop

and I brought along some of my merchandise.

Open a shop here, huh, ma'am? Well, perhaps you and I

can do a little business together.

Perhaps.

It started already.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

I'm sorry. I'm just plain hard luck.

Well, that's why they call me Wrongo.

Everywhere I go, things go wrong.

I hope not, knock on wood.

Private, I'm sure

that if we check into this jinx business a bit,

we'll be able to clear it all up.

Now, when did it first start?

Well, sir,

it all began even before I got into the service.

I was riding shotgun on a stagecoach.

The Indians was attacking, and by accident,

I hit their medicine man.

Filled his britches full of buckshot. So?

So the medicine man put a whammy on me.

An Indian curse.

And ever since, wherever I go, things go wrong.

Soldier... that's all in your mind.

Now, how could you believe a thing like...?

Like that?

See what I mean?

That's... That's nothing.

That's just a coincidence.

Now, I want you to forget about the past.

It's over. There's no more jinx.

Now, you just keep saying to yourself,

"I am not Wrongo Starr.

I am... Lucky Starr."

Yeah, come here, please, private.

Now, just you keep saying, "I am not Wrongo Starr.

I am Lucky Starr."

Now, repeat that after me, private.

I am not Wrongo Starr.

I am Lucky Starr.

You've got it. By George, you've got it.

I am not Wrongo Starr.

I am Lucky Starr.

Now, are you Wrongo Starr?

No. I'm Lucky Starr.

Who put on curse?

What he look like?

Well, he had on a big headdress

with buffalo horns on top.

And all the down the sides,

he wore a cape made out of colored chicken feathers.

And then around his neck,

he had a necklace of elk's teeth.

And a whole mess of little bells clumped around his ankle.

And they were tied by leather thongs.

Hm, must be Eastern tribe. Algonquin, maybe.

Always overdress.

Can you do anything, chief?

If this guy Wrongo is with us one more week,

we're gonna get wiped out.

White brothers not worry.

Indian curse big nothing.

Big phony.

You're an Indian and you say that?

Sure, it take one to know one.

Say, isn't that a still over there?

Well, oh... No, no, it's, uh...

Well, this here is an elixir mixer, you see.

That is to make Hekawi tonic.

Yeah. That's why the Hekawi are so healthy and fearless.

Distilled essence of cactus needle.

That's what I call spiking the tonic.

We have drink of friendship

and not worry about Indian curse.

Is big superstition. Mean nothing.

Now, that what I call a curse.

All right, Agarn, Wrongo, come here.

Now, listen, Wrongo.

You're assigned to police this compound,

and do me a favor.

Stay as far away from everybody as you can.

I will. Thanks, sergeant.

All right.

Sarge.

What?

I got an idea. Yeah, what's that?

Maybe we could get Wrongo a... A lucky charm.

A rabbit's foot.

There ain't no rabbit with that lucky a foot.

A four-leaf clover.

We'd have to get one as big as a tree.

I know.

That new knickknack shop in town.

I bet they sell good-luck charms.

Nah, save your money, Agarn.

No harm in trying, sarge.

Besides, I might pick up a little something

for Betty Lou, my girlfriend back in Passaic.

You know, we've been going steady now for seven years.

And you know, after seven years,

you ought to be buying her a ring.

Hey, sergeant, you seen Wilton?

He's in his office, I think. What's the matter?

You know that slinky widow,

the one that opened the knickknack shop?

Hermione Gooderly.

Yeah. Well, she sure fits the description

of what came over the wire. What's that?

Well, if I'm right, she's wanted in six states.

They call her the Happy-Go-Lucky Widow.

"The Happy-Go-Lucky Widow"?

Yeah, well, according to Wrangler Jane,

she sure fits the description of the Happy-Go-Lucky Widow.

Married four times, always to a serviceman,

and every one of them died under very mysterious circumstances.

And then she collected the insurance.

Well, let's not jump to conclusions, sergeant.

After all, there must be many women who look like her.

Yeah, well, I just thought

you'd like to know about it, sir.

Oh, of course. Of course.

And as military governor of this territory,

I'll give her one of my casual

but penetrating cross-examinations

the very next time I go into town.

However, I'm inclined to believe

the widow is merely what she claims to be. Just a plain or...

Wait a minute.

I just thought of something.

The Widow Gooderly came in on same stagecoach

with Wrongo Starr.

How do, ma'am?

Oh, not "ma'am."

I'm Hermione Gooderly, but you may call me Hermione.

Well, ma'am, you can just call me Randolph, ma'am.

Not "ma'am." It's "Miss."

Oh, I... I see.

I was a ma'am, but, uh, I'm a widow.

Oh, that's too bad.

What can I do for you?

Well, I'd like to buy something for my girlfriend.

Oh, you have a girlfriend.

That's too bad.

She's far away. She's in Passaic.

Oh, that's good.

Soon as I save up enough money, I'm gonna marry her.

Oh, that's too bad.

Just imagine a handsome soldier boy like you...

brave, good-looking... strong, tall.

Just imagine a man like you being single.

Oh, I ain't so tall.

You're just the right height for me.

Betty Lou is crazy about bracelets.

You got anything like that?

Of course.

But, uh, first...

First... I'd like to serve you

some very special wine.

I think you'll enjoy it.

I will?

It's very old wine.

The recipe has been in my family for years.

Listen, Hermione, I'd better get back to the fort.

Oh, but corporal, I insist.

I only serve this wine to...

special people.

Well, in that case.

Ooh, not bad. A family recipe, you say?

From the Orient. It's very relaxing.

How about that.

We'll have Janey wire for more information

before we make any definite move, sergeant.

She already has. Sent wires to all six states.

We ought to hear in matter of hours.

Oh, good, good. Say.

Say, isn't that Wrongo... Isn't that Lucky Starr?

Oh, yeah, he's on cleanup detail.

Not that I believe in that Indian curse, mind you, but...

Captain, Sergeant,

I have the most wonderful news for you.

You all right, Agarn?

I'm in love.

I'm in love. I'm in love, love.

Of course you're in love.

Maybe after seven more years, you'll marry Betty Lou.

Betty Lou?

Betty Lou. Who else?

The woman I love.

I'm marrying Hermione on Friday.

Hermione Gooderly?

The same.

Agarn, what's happened to you?

I'm marrying Hermione on Friday

and we're going to honeymoon at Wapping Falls.

Wapping Falls?

That's the most treacherous waterfall in the West.

That's 3000 feet high.

You... I think it's 3000.

Wait a minute, let me check my map.

Agarn, pal, buddy. Now, listen to me, will ya?

Don't do anything foolish.

We're expecting some wires about Hermione any minute now.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. It's not 3000.

It's only 2896 feet.

Yeah, well...

Hi, sergeant.

I picked up everything that wasn't nailed down.

You just keep policing the area.

If you say so, sergeant.

Ah.

Whew.

Aw, poor devil.

I must confess that bad luck does seem to pursue him.

Yeah, and it's beginning to rub off on Agarn.

It could prove fatal.

Yeah, well we'll know more about the lady soon,

and in the meantime, Private Starr

seems to be where this curse...

Uh, if it is a curse. - -can do no harm.

Mm-hm.

Fairest of figure, fairest of face.

Her name is Hermione, her form is "divione."

Yeah, well, these just came in.

Listen to 'em. See what you think.

"Her first husband, married 11 days, died of food poisoning.

"Second husband, married 17 days,

"drowned while canoeing. Found with a lump on his head.

Third husband, married two months..."

Oh, he must have been something special.

"died mountain climbing, fell 17,000 feet."

The rope had been cut, but nobody can prove she did it.

"Fourth husband, honeymooned at Niagara Falls,

"fell off a rock. When they found the body,

he had grease on the soles of his boots."

None of us is perfect.

Oh, come on. You need some air.

Sheez!

Private Starr, I invite you to my wedding ceremony.

Oh, do you really think I should go?

Why not? What else could go wrong?

I almost got married once.

But my fiancée broke her leg.

Then she married the doctor.

And, uh, you're single, huh?

Yeah.

What a shame.

Gosh, I don't know.

Wrangler, this is for my pal, my buddy.

Corporal Agarn, your friend, Captain Parmenter's friend.

I tell ya, this will not be a wedding.

It'll be a funeral.

Yeah, but...

Do you wanna be an accomplice to murder?

That's what she's gonna do. She'll kill him.

He'll be husband number five

and just as sure as shootin', the captain will be number six.

Wilton? If she touches my Wilton,

I'll shoot them ruffles right off her petticoat.

All right, then we gotta do it.

But you gotta send the telegram. You're in charge of that.

Just one telegram.

Nobody's ever gonna know about it.

Just address it "Private Leonard W. Starr."

What'll I say?

Well, I'll tell ya what to say.

Now, the first thing is, see...

Hey, everybody, listen to this.

What is it, Janey? What you got, Wrangler?

It's a telegram for Private Starr.

Just came in over the wire from Boston.

Boston? But... But I don't anybody from Boston.

Oh, wait a minute. Just listen.

"Your Uncle Harold died and left you a million. Stop.

"Thanks for past favors. Stop.

"Milligan, Callersham, Trippit and Dalton.

Attorneys At Law."

Hurray!

Congratulations, private.

You just broke the jinx.

Hey! Yahoo!

Yahoo, yahoo, yahoo.

Yahoo...

What am I getting so excited about?

I don't even have an Uncle Harold.

A lot of people have relatives that they forgot about

or never even heard of at all.

Look, just look at this right here.

"Milligan, Callersham, Trippit and Dalton.

Attorneys At Law." That's the biggest law firm in Boston.

They don't ever make a mistake.

You're rich, I tell you. You're rich, rich, rich!

Lucky Starr.

Lucky Starr!

Wait till everybody hears about this and I spread the news.

Come on, let's you and me go to the saloon.

Have a drink.

"Two large barrels of caviar,

one dozen cans of peacock tongues"?

"One concert grand piano,

two dozen solid gold watches..." Two dozen?

Yeah, well, those are just little gifts

for the enlisted men, ma'am.

The piano there, that's for the captain.

Well, I guess...

I guess I'll just have to send away for all this.

But, sergeant, does the Army always spend money like that?

Oh, this is not for the Army, ma'am.

This is for Leonard W. Starr.

Leonard who?

Private Starr. You must remember him.

You came out on the same stagecoach with him.

Where does a private get money to spend like that?

Oh, well... Well, I guess you didn't hear about it, ma'am.

Well, he inherited a million dollars.

Yes, I've got to get over to the saloon right away,

because we're having a little celebration for him.

Sergeant.

If you don't think it would be imposing of me, I'd...

I'd love to accompany you and congratulate the dear boy.

Well, ma'am, I...

I just wouldn't have it any other way.

And a big, strong soldier like you

must have dozens of women who simply adore him.

Well, there's my mother and two aunts.

Hey, millionaire, quite a party, ain't it?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, a little bit noisy, kind of hard to talk.

It certainly is.

This is excellent champagne, but I have a special wine

that I'd like you to try in honor of your good fortune.

It's in my shop.

Couldn't we continue our conversation there?

But... But would it look right?

I-I mean, with your getting married tomorrow and all.

That was just an infatuation.

Now I've found the real thing.

Hermione!

My bird of paradise, what are you doing?

My bride-to-be.

Tomorrow's our wedding day.

Tell me I'm not seeing what I'm seeing.

Tomorrow is our wedding day!

I beg your pardon,

but tomorrow's our wedding day.

What are you talking about?

Hermione and I are getting married in the morning.

Hermione?

Do you know what you're doing?

Corporal, I've been thinking about it,

and I think we ought to call our wedding off.

C-C-Call it off?

To be honest with you, I found someone else.

Yes, and we're going to honeymoon at Wapping Falls.

Hermione, you're gonna honeymoon with him

at Wapping Falls?

But that was... That was our place.

Ah, that's all right, Agarn, pal.

You'll get over this.

Come on. Let's go over to saloon.

You and me will have a drink.

Take your hands off me.

A man has gotta fight for his own.

Private Starr, you have stolen the heart of the woman I love.

Let's settle this like men.

We'll step outside.

You are outside.

Oh. So we are.

Come on, private.

I need fighting room.

Now I got ya.

Put 'em up!

I'm gonna hit you on top of the head so hard,

it's gonna break both your ankles.

Betray my betrothed, huh?

She's my betrothed.

Aah!

Go on, Leonard, dear. Finish him off.

Hey, Agarn, pal. Buddy. Here.

Come on. Are you all right?

Up we go. That's a good boy.

Here, now, what's been going on here?

Well, Agarn here was just fighting for his fiancée.

Fiancée?

Fiancée?!

Betty Lou is my fiancée and she's back in Passaic.

Agarn, pal, you've... You've snapped out of it.

Leonard, dearest, you're a tiger in battle.

If you say so, Hermione.

I'll be so proud to be your wife.

Sergeant, if she really is the Happy-Go-Lucky Widow,

isn't Private Starr taking a bit of a chance?

Don't worry about a thing, captain.

I got everything under control.

It's just a matter of...

Telegram for Private Leonard W. Starr.

Hey, soldier, ain't you gonna read that?

Yeah, that could be important.

Hey. Hey... Ah, here.

We'll see what this here is all about now.

Well, Wrangler, what do you know?

That first telegram was wrong.

It read, "Your Uncle Harold died and left you a million. Stop.

Thanks for past favors."

They put that word in the wrong place, though, see?

It should have read,

"Your Uncle Harold died and left you. Stop.

"A million thanks for past favors.

Milligan, Callersham, Trippit and Dalton."

Well, ya... You can't win 'em all.

But listen, don't worry, pal.

You got that lovely lady to be your wife.

To be my wife.

You can get by on your Army pay.

It's a whole $16 a month.

I'm getting out of here.

I'm fed up with the whole a lot of you.

Hermione! Angel! What about our wedding?

You let go of me, you pipsqueak.

I'm packing now.

My fiancée.

The only girl I ever really loved.

Gone.

Are you all right, private?

Oh, I... I think so, captain.

Oh, fine, fine.

And now, about your fiancée, private.

You're better off without her, you know.

W-W-Without who, captain?

Hermione, your fiancée.

Fiancée?

But... But I don't have a fiancée.

Well.

I'm glad you've finally come to your senses.

There. There, you see, sergeant.

By a lucky accident, Private Starr

was saved from a very unfortunate marriage.

I'm positive from now on he'll be all right.

Well, it's almost time for retreat.

Let's all get back to the fort.

Yeah.

Sergeant.

Would you draw up the transfer papers, please?

Yes, sir.

And I wanna thank you, captain,

for getting me this great new tour of duty.

Hey, well, you're quite welcome, Wrongo...

Ahem. Private.

And all the best of luck in the medical corps.

No hard feelings, now.

Oh, no.

Write to us.

And when you do, be careful.

Don't use a sharp pencil.

Remember now. The jinx is over.

A new day is dawning.

The jinx is over.

A new day is dawning.

All right, driver.

Hyah!