Original subtitles

♪ The end of the Civil War Was near ♪

♪ When quite accidentally ♪

♪ A hero who sneezed Abruptly seized ♪

♪ Retreat And reversed it to victory ♪

♪ His Medal of Honor Pleased and thrilled ♪

♪ His proud little Family group ♪

♪ While pinning it on Some blood was spilled ♪

♪ And so it was planned He'd command ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

♪ Where Indian fights Are colorful sights ♪

♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪

♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪

♪ Both turn chicken ♪

♪ When drilling and fighting Get them down ♪

♪ They know their morale Can't droop ♪

♪ As long as they all Relax in town ♪

♪ Before they resume With a bang and a boom ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

Mail call!

Uh, sound mail call, Dobbs.

Franklin.

Duddleson.

Hoffenmueller. Jawohl!

Duffy. Ho!

I ain't had a letter from Betty Lou in three weeks,

and today is my lucky day.

Today is it.

And when she calls my name, I'm gonna take it cool and calm.

Ah.

Agarn. That's it!

That's it. That's it.

This is it, sarge.

My dentist in Passaic.

Sarge, can they repossess my mouth?

Agarn.

This is the one.

It's from Betty Lou. I can smell the perfume.

It's delightful, delightful.

Not me, Betty Lou.

Hey, wait a minute.

Don't read it here.

Sure got a perfect day for it, Wilton.

Oh, yeah. Yes, we sure do.

Yes.

Perfect day for what?

Don't you remember? We planned for a picnic today.

Oh.

Well, all right. But I really should

be with the troop, practicing close-order drill.

You mean, real close-order drill? Like this?

Jane, please, you're not in uniform.

This looks like a nice spot, Wilton.

Oh, it's kind of lonely, though, isn't it?

How about that?

Wilton, you know what I'm in the mood for?

Uh... chicken sandwich?

There it is. Huh? There what is?

A bear. Wha...? What bear?

That bear!

Here. Wait, wait. I'll handle this.

This is a man's job.

You're too late, Wilton.

Consarn critter got away again.

And he's been tearing up fences and gardens all over town.

Well, I'll just have to set a trap for him, that's all.

Uh, Janey, would you bring me that coil of rope

over there by the wall of the fort, please.

Now, we make a loop on the ground like that.

Then, when the bear puts his foot in the noose,

see, the slightest little pressure on this rope,

and zing!

Wilton!

Maybe we should try digging a pit.

How could she do this to me?

I gave her the best years of my life.

Engaged seven years.

Ah, well, you know how women are.

Listen to this letter, sarge.

"Dear Mr. Agarn."

"Mr. Agarn"?

I used to be "Poopsie."

I was "Cuddles."

I don't mean to come apart at the seams like this, sarge.

For a man who claims to have a woman in every fort,

you certainly are taking this big.

And I know who it is.

I know who it is.

It's Clarence, the horsecar conductor.

She never could resist a man in uniform.

Him and his shiny change maker.

Ah, what's he got that you haven't got?

Betty Lou, that's what.

We used to carve our initials

in every tree in downtown Passaic.

We went through school together, sarge.

I was her hero.

Her hero, huh?

Aha! There, that's it.

You were her hero once

and you're gonna be her hero again.

Me, her hero? Impossible.

Now listen to this, I got an idea.

It says right here.

"Undaunted and alone, the reckless, fiery Geronimo

"attacked an entire train of troops

"and ruthlessly shot down half a dozen men

before riding triumphantly off."

So?

So you're gonna kill Geronimo.

I'm not hearing what I'm hearing.

What?

You gonna write Betty Lou a letter.

"It may interest you to know

"that, uh... undaunted and alone,

"the reckless, fiery me attacked Geronimo.

"Without a thought for my own safety..."

"ruthlessly shot him down

"and rode triumphantly off.

Otherwise, things have been pretty much the same."

Betty Lou, give me that letter.

I'm gonna run this in our afternoon edition.

Daddy, that's wonderful.

Well, that young man Agarn deserves credit.

This is front-page news.

I'll see that this is set up in headlines.

"Corporal Agarn Slays Geronimo"

Hello, Clarence. Mr. McDonald.

I have a new change maker.

Anybody want change of a quarter?

Clarence, have you heard the news?

What news?

About Corporal Agarn.

He killed Geronimo.

Daddy's putting it in the paper.

Wait till they hear about this in Washington.

He what?

Here it is, Mr. Secretary, in a newspaper.

The Passaic Courier.

A Corporal Agarn has shot down

the great Indian chief, Geronimo.

Why is it that I am secretary of war,

but nobody ever tells me these things?

The communications from the West are very poor, sir.

I looked up Corporal Agarn.

He's at Fort Courage

under Captain Wilton Parmenter.

Don't I have an inspection tour coming up in that area?

Yes, sir. Good.

I'll step off at Fort Courage

and see to it that Corporal Agarn

receives a Presidential Citation and a medal.

Heh-heh. Look at that headline.

"Corporal Agarn Slays Geronimo"

That'll make those Indians sit up and take notice.

"Corporal Agarn Slay Geronimo"

Me Geronimo!

Me go slay Corporal Agarn.

More slaying?

Corporal slay me?

Me go see Hekawis.

Cousin Chief Wild Eagle, they near Fort Courage.

They help me find Corporal Agarn.

Me kill.

Killing no answer.

Get better result with honey

than get with vinegar.

Me no want honey.

Me no want vinegar.

Me want blood!

Blood of Corporal Agarn!

You. Me.

We ride all night, seek revenge.

You forget,

he ride fastest, who ride alone.

Lots of luck.

But how we gonna get the bear

to come over here, captain?

How do we get the bear to...? Let me see.

Luring the bear...

No, I don't see anything about that.

Could it be under "bear bait"?

Just a second now.

Bears love sweets, right?

And I got this jar of honey here,

so all I gotta do is spread it around.

I'll just put a dab over here...

and a dab over here.

Here, let me have some.

Allow me, sir.

Ow! Dobbs, wait, wait.

Here wait, I need some leverage here.

Yes, sir.

Okay, pull now, pull.

Sorry about that, sir.

Only trying to help.

You may return my sleeve, Dobbs,

I'd rather not be caught out of uniform.

Yes, sir. Uh, can I make a suggestion, sir?

Only after you return my sleeve.

If we could sound the mating call of the bear,

that'd bring him out of the woods.

Do you do mating calls, Dobbs?

Oh, yes, sir, on my bugle.

It's a specialty of mine.

Might be.

All right, Dobbs. Sound the mating call.

Was that a male or female bear you saw?

I didn't get that close.

Well, I'll give them the big love call.

That gets them whether they're male or female.

That did it! I heard him.

Come on, let's go.

Wait, Jane.

Follow me, Dobbs.

Whoa!

Come in.

Uh, beg your pardon, sir.

Have you worked out some new mating calls, Dobbs?

No, sir. But I thought you'd like to know

a scout's just arrived from Fort Bravo.

There's a rumor that the secretary of war

is coming to Fort Courage.

A rumor?

From Fort Bravo?

Now how come we're always the last fort to know?

They say he's gonna give somebody a medal.

A medal?

Well, now, who'd be getting a medal here?

Muster the men, Dobbs.

Yes, sir.

Hey, Dobbs. Ah...

Men, has one of you performed an act of courage

about which he is so modest he is not telling us?

This is your last chance, now.

Will the guilty brave man please take one step forward?

Well, somebody here is getting a medal,

and I wanna know who that man is.

Any little act of bravery you're ashamed to mention, Duffy?

Well, sir, it was back in '36 at the Alamo.

I was holding off a charge with old Jim Bowie.

Turned to me and said, "Duffy," he said,

"there's a wall of human flesh out there."

Thank you, Duffy, thank you.

Santa Anna was leading the charge.

There were thousands of them...

Uh, how about you, Hoffenmueller?

Ach! Herr Captain.

In the Crimea. Mit... I turned to Davy...

Crockett, that is.

All right, that's enough.

All I had to fight with was an old knife.

I called it a "Duffy knife."

Men, that's it!

That's enough, now! At ease! At ease!

Duffy! Hoffenmueller!

Ten-hut!

Men, as your commanding officer,

I must tell you

that if there is one thing I will not tolerate,

it's a lying hero.

Now, one of you is a brave, courageous soldier.

And until I find out who that one exception is,

you're all confined to the post.

Dismissed.

Cousin, let us not lose heads.

Agarn is business partner.

I come here to put him out of business.

Look, we have nice family visit, big dinner.

We have nice plate buffalo meat,

plenty fruit,

then we open up new bottle firewater.

Later everybody do Hekawi sun dance.

You get good night sleep,

you feel better in morning.

Agarn is friend of Hekawi.

He make Hekawi souvenir business pay good.

He make beautiful scalp.

You take too serious.

We trade with Agarn and F Troop.

They our best costumer.

Look,

could you not just write him nasty letter?

Me attack Fort Courage and kill corporal!

My cousin, the warrior.

And his mother wanted him to become big medicine man.

There, that about sets up the bear trap, Dobbs.

Oh, it's clever, sir.

I've been practicing my mating call.

Uh, should I try? No, no. Not now. Not now.

Wilton, it's wonderful. I just heard the news.

What...? What is, Janey?

Well, the secretary of war is coming out here

to give you a medal.

Oh, no, no.

No, I h-hardly think it's me, Jane.

Wilton Parmenter, your trouble is you're just too modest.

I can see it now.

The secretary will come up to you

with the great big gold medal and pin it...

I know. I know.

Right here.

Poor captain.

Are you sure you wrote the chicken farm?

Two stage coaches and no feathers yet.

I wrote, I wrote.

And we promised the Hekawis all new headdresses.

They're having their harvest moon festival

this weekend.

Oh. Yoo-hoo! Poopsie!

It's Betty Lou!

You see? I told you you two'd get together again.

I'll see if our feathers are here.

Pussycat!

What are you doing here?

You know why I'm here.

Agarn, we've got a whole box of feathers.

Sarge, I want you to meet my girl.

Oh, pleased to meet you, pussycat.

I'm here for the ceremony.

Ceremony? You mean, we're gonna get married?

Sure, after.

After? After what?

After the secretary of war gives you the medal.

Medal? Me? What medal?

What...? What...? What...? What...? The medal for killing Geronimo.

Homina, homina...

As soon as we got your letter,

my daddy printed it in the paper.

They saw it in Washington.

Sarge!

Oh, well, old buddy, we did it again.

You'll have to forgive him, ma'am. He's very sentimental.

Oh, I understand.

It isn't every day that a man gets a medal

from the secretary of war for killing Geronimo, huh?

Homina, homina, homina.

Uh, yeah, uh, well, I'm very sorry, ma'am,

but I'm afraid he won't be able to attend the ceremony.

Why not?

Uh, battle fatigue, don't you recognize it?

The quickening of the pulse, the pounding of the heart.

This man needs to be alone.

I used to be in the medical corps.

What this man need is isolation, a complete rest.

Oh, my darling! Hey! Hey!

Now what am I gonna do?

Relax, relax.

They can't do anything

as long as you don't accept the medal.

All we gotta do is keep you out of sight.

What am I gonna tell the Army?

I'll tell them you're sick.

Just make sure nobody sees you.

Stay out of sight.

What's the penalty? What's the crime?

Well, let's see... impersonating a hero,

accepting a medal under false pretenses, fraud...

Sarge, which is it?

I'd say it's all three.

How much can I get for that?

Ninety-nine years in a rock pile or...

well, if you're lucky, heh... life.

Captain, the secretary of war is approaching.

Troop, ten-hut!

Bugler, Sound the welcome.

Welcome to Fort Courage, Mr. Secretary.

The men of F Troop salute you.

Order, arms.

Corporal Agarn, front and center.

Did you say Corporal Agarn, sir?

Yes.

Corporal Randolph Agarn, front and center.

Well, I'm very sorry, sir,

but Corporal Agarn is not present.

He's, uh, confined to quarters.

He is? Uh, well, Very sudden, sir, yes.

Where is he? I'll go to him, brave man.

I wouldn't do that if I were you, Mr. Secretary.

He has some very strange marks on his face.

Looks highly contagious to me, sir.

Ah, it does, eh?

Shame that we can't carry on with this,

but when he's better, with the captain's permission, of course,

we'll write to you in Washington.

I'm sorry it had to end this way.

Oh, but it doesn't end this way.

I came here to make a presentation

and, by George, I'm going to do it.

Captain Wilton Parmenter, front and center.

Parmenter, I'm going to turn this medal over to you

as commandant of this unit,

and when Corporal Agarn recovers,

you can... present it to him then.

I shall, sir.

"For Corporal Randolph Agarn

"for heroism above and beyond the call of duty,

"the government of the United States

"is pleased and proud to present you with a medal

"commemorating the fact that alone and unaided

"you launched a successful tack against Geronimo.

"And fearlessly slew him without a moment's thought

"for your own personal safety.

Sound the salute, private.

Oh, the cannon.

Corporal Agarn will go down in history

as the man who slew Geronimo.

SECRETARY OF WAR: And all you men,

look upon Corporal Agarn

as an example of courage and excellence in battle.

What...?

Help! Help!

Help! Help! Help!

Geronimo!

Who is this man?

Uh, th-that's Corporal Agarn, sir.

Geronimo!

Geronimo!

He's unarmed, men.

I want him taken alive.

Captain!

He fell in the bear trap, captain.

Well, a stroke of a genius, Mr. Secretary.

What? Oh, yes.

A brilliant plan by Captain Parmenter to capture Geronimo.

It was? Oh, yes.

He figured by claiming he was killed,

we'd bring Geronimo out of hiding.

Really?

Corporal Agarn was just bait in the trap.

Well, well.

Oh, I tell you, sir, that Captain Parmenter can

outthink any Indian in the West.

Captain Parmenter.

Sir.

This belongs to you.

All right, throw him in there.

Come on, Duffy.

Dobbs, you seen Agarn?

Oh, he's in town with his girl, sergeant.

He is, huh?

Yes, sir, when Morgan O'Rourke plays Cupid

them little darts really stick.

I'm going back to Clarence.

I can trust him.

Yeah, just ask for change of a dollar

and see what happens.

Him and his crooked change maker. Pussycat.

Goodbye, corporal, sir.

"Goodbye"?

"Corporal"? "Sir"? What happened to "Cuddles"?

If he'll have me, I'm going to marry Clarence.

Oh, yeah? I hope his change maker jams.

I hope the wheels fall off his horsecar.

I hope he runs out of tickets...

and loses all his transfers.

Driver!

Yeah! Hyah! Hyah!

I hope, I hope...

I don't know what I hope. Sarge!

You know, I never got a chance to congratulate you.

Well, it's just part of my duty, Janey,

keeping peace in the territory.

Would you open that? Oh, yeah.

Well, you earned that medal for sure.

He was sure one mean Indian.

Well, after he goes on trial at Fort Bravo,

he won't be around to be mean for a long, long time.

Oh, now, that's a shame.

No, no. Don't worry, Jane. I'll handle this.

Whoa!

Oh, Wilton!

Oh, Wilton, you've done it again.