Original subtitles

♪ The end of the Civil War Was near ♪

♪ When quite accidentally ♪

♪ A hero who sneezed Abruptly seized ♪

♪ Retreat And reversed it to victory ♪

♪ His Medal of Honor Pleased and thrilled ♪

♪ His proud little Family group ♪

♪ While pinning it on Some blood was spilled ♪

♪ And so it was planned He'd command ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

♪ Where Indian fights Are colorful sights ♪

♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪

♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪

♪ Both turn chicken ♪

♪ When drilling and fighting Get them down ♪

♪ They know their morale Can't droop ♪

♪ As long as they all Relax in town ♪

♪ Before they resume With a bang and a boom ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

Order!

All right, Agarn, keep 'em goin'.

We gotta get rid of that whole keg.

All right, now by the numbers.

Hut.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Order.

Ho.

Hoffenmueller!

You gotta stand at attention.

After 14 beers, this is the best I can do.

We'll do the countin'.

Sarge, this beer tastes awful flat.

It's just like your head.

You've been drinkin' out of the flower vase.

Oh, no wonder the head was so fuzzy.

Sarge, why do we have to spend

the whole rest period drinkin' beer?

Because business is rotten, that's why?

You're the only customers I got in this saloon.

Sergeant O'Rourke, can I be excused?

I gotta write a letter to my mama.

You'll write better after three more beers.

Three more beer... I don't even like beer.

Well, then try the free lunch.

How come they raises the free lunch

from a nickel to a dime?

Always complainin', ain't you, Duffy?

Next thing you'll want a free lunch for nothin'.

Men...

Attention!

Never mind that, corporal.

Men, I'm sorry to break in

on your rest period like this,

but we have to get back to the fort

and get things tidied up immediately.

W-what's the emergency, captain?

Company is coming, my uncle, Jupiter.

Colonel Parmenter?

Old spit and polish?

Yeah, good old Uncle Jupiter.

When I was two years old, I pulled his mustache,

and he tried to transfer me out of the family.

What's he comin' out here for, captain?

First transcontinental railroad is coming.

My uncle's laying the route. Let's go, men.

Hey, wait a minute, Agarn.

Did you hear that?

A railroad comin' through here.

Right through Fort Courage.

Sarge.

O'Rourke Enterprises is gonna have costumers

from every corner of the country,

hundreds of 'em.

Sarge!

This saloon'll make thousands, millions!

What do you say to that?

They didn't pay for the last round,

and we're out 70 cents.

All right, fall in before you fall down.

Yoo-hoo, Vanderbilt.

The formation's over here.

Oh.

It's over there, fellas.

Old Eagle Eye.

Linin' up with the horses again, huh?

I've been thinkin', sarge... Well, don't.

We got a good thing goin' with the Indians.

Are you sure you want the railroad to come through?

What's the matter? Are you kiddin'?

Iron horse comes chug-a-lugging in here,

the customers'll be lined up so deep at the bar,

I'll have to open a branch over at the depot

to take care of the back row.

Wilton, you didn't have to go to all this fuss.

Formal inspection and an honor guard.

Well, this is F Troop, Uncle Jupiter.

We do things by the book.

Honor guard ready, sir.

Honor guard, one pace forward.

Ho!

Ready.

Aim.

Fire.

Old Eagle Eye Vanderbilt.

He should've stayed with the horses.

Sir, F Troop is ready for inspection.

Somehow I'd feel safer

if they were Comanches.

Inspection.

Arms.

Duddleson, let go.

Captain Parmenter, this man's missing a button.

Well, haven't you found that yet, Hannibal?

Yes, sir, I found it last Saturday.

You know where it was? No.

It was inside my bugle.

No.

You found it inside...?

Yeah, well, sew it on!

Sew it on.

At ease, men.

My uncle,

Colonel Parmenter, would like to say a few words

about the railroad.

Men,

civilization is reaching the American frontier.

Tracks for the first continental railroad

are only 20 miles to the east.

And our work crews

may call on you for protection

from marauding Indians

as we push ever westward.

With your assistance,

I'm sure we will reach our immediate objective,

Fort Laramie.

Fort Laramie?

Not Fort Courage?

Don't worry about it, sarge.

Why not? 'Cause that's my job.

I'll worry about it.

And I'll come up with somethin'.

And now I got two things to worry about.

Well, colonel, sir, there is your best route

into Fort Courage,

just through inkwell and the sealing wax.

And what's wrong with going passed the paper weight

and the letter opener into Fort Laramie?

He just told you, uncle.

The paper weight is the Comanches

and the letter opener is the Chippewas.

I thought the letter opener was the Shoshones?

No, no the apple are the Shoshones, sir.

Oh, fierce, wild tribes, all of them, yes.

Your work crews will be wiped out to the man.

Yeah, I'm inclined to go along with the sergeant, uncle.

Besides the way through is a scenic route.

If I want scenery, I'll send for Currier & Ives,

and you're forgetting the Hekawis.

Oh, no, sir.

No, they're the ashtray.

Well they occupy the whole D5

between Calico Mountain and Lake Minnepoka.

And from what I hear,

they can turn hostile just like that.

No, sir, but that was before your nephew got here

Him?

Since Captain Parmenter

has gotten the Hekawis under control,

they tremble at the very mention of his name.

Well, if it was just his last name,

I could understand it.

Well, yours is a level route,

and we'll probably save a lot of time.

All right, gentleman, you win.

We'll avoid the paper weight and the letter opener,

and we'll route it between the inkwell

and the sealing wax.

Right into Fort Courage.

I thank you, sir, and we'll have those Hekawis

out of there in 24 hours.

Inkwell, sealing wax, apple and all.

It isn't very sanitary,

but it's part of winning the West.

Wait. Have question.

How come all of sudden paleface want to sign peace treaty?

It's on account of the railroad, Wild Eagle.

If Hekawis aren't friendly,

Great white uncle w...

Uh, Great white uncle won't bring in iron horse.

What good iron horse to Hekawi?

We not go no place.

Chief, you sign the treaty,

and I'll send over my whole troop to help you move,

any place else in the territory.

Move? Who say anything about move?

You can't stay here.

There's a mountain and a lake on either side.

Where do you think we'll put the tracks?

We no move.

Hekawi Injuns, not gypsies.

This home of ancestors.

Hekawi tradition: we never move.

Not even if the government gives you some money?

We move.

How much you pay?

I'm prepared to pay a nominal sum.

Nominal.

Paleface word for "honeyfuggle."

Chief, we'll give you two boxes of beads and $24.

Twenty-four dollars?

That's all we paid for the whole island of Manhattan.

Dollar not buy so much now.

We not settle for $24.

Thirty-two fifty?

This 600 acres on lake.

Fishing, swimming, canoeing.

All right chief, we'll make it an even $50.

We not take less than $5 an acre.

Even then we get honeyfuggled.

Wait a minute, chief.

Chief, we'll pay the top price for land in this territory:

Fifty cents an acre.

Five dollar.

Fifty cents, our final offer.

Well, you come up a little,

so we go down a little.

We take 50 cents.

Captain true friend.

Well, the same to you, chief,

and have a nice trip.

This funny country.

Once only buffalo live here.

Injun come. Then paleface come.

Now paleface give $300 for land.

Injun take away from buffalo.

Could only happened in America.

Wilton, I must admit,

you handled that Hekawi situation very well.

Thank you, uncle,

but it's all in the manual,

under "Indians: how to outwit."

Ah, you may turn out be a Parmenter yet,

I'll be back as soon as I've laid out the new route.

In the meantime, you be pre...

Captain, it's terrible.

It's just awful. What is?

Well... Bugler, it's 6:00.

Why aren't you blowing reveille?

Oh, but, sir, you don't know where the Hekawis moved?

W-what's the difference? This is a free country.

I told them they can settle anyplace they wanted.

Well, they sure did, captain.

This is preposterous.

Who ever heard of an Indian tribe living in an Army post?

Why not?

We sign peace treaty.

We friends.

You'll just have to be friends someplace else, I'm sorry.

You tell Hekawi pick anyplace he want.

This anyplace.

But this is government property, you can't live here?

Injun live here before government have property.

Who let 'em in in the first place?

A whole tribe.

Sergeant.

Yeah.

Private Vanderbilt, sir.

He's on sentry duty.

Well, we'll just see about that.

Vanderbilt, this is Captain Parmenter.

Come down here this instant.

Yes, sir.

I'm sorry, captain.

I guess I missed the ladder again.

Why did you let those Indians into the fort?

Indians?

I didn't see any Indians.

Hekawis. You let the whole tribe in.

All right, Vanderbilt, back to the tower.

If they keep you out here long enough,

we'll wind up with Geronimo in the White House.

Don't worry about it, uncle.

I'll look it up in the manual.

There's got to be something under "Indians:

how to get them out of the fort"?

Uh, Captain Parmenter,

I'll be back in 48 hours.

And when I return

I don't want to see an Indian on this post.

They're the vanishing Americans.

Why don't they just vanish?

Just a minute.

Oh, captain, I tell you, it's hopeless.

Why don't the troops just chase 'em out.

We can't do that, corporal.

It's right here in the manual.

Indian Act of 1856.

"Indians who have been relocated for the public good

cannot be moved again without their consent."

Well, don't you worry, captain,

we'll think of somethin'.

Won't you, sarge?

I'm thinkin'!

Consent. Consent.

How do we get it? Hey, I got it.

See, we thought of something.

What'd we think of, sarge?

Those Indians want our Army post to live on.

I'll give 'em an Army post to live on.

Oh? Don't worry, captain.

I'll have 'em out tomorrow morning

without fail.

How? Oh, how?

Captain, here's my plan.

Now, listen...

What's the matter with that knucklehead?

I told him to blow reveille at 4:00.

Four o'clock... a.m.?

In the morning?

There, we put our arms through there, that's it.

Four o'clock?

Sarge, who ever heard of reveille

two hours ahead of reveille.

Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

You're gonna wake up every bird in the territory.

And free-loadin' Hekawis. Are they gonna be mad!

Go on, lets go help 'em pack.

What a time to get up.

You're gonna lose me before the Indians.

You oughta stop, Agarn.

Lets go find out just how wild the Wild Eagle can be.

What's the matter, chief?

Couldn't anybody sleep?

Hekawi sleep like papoose.

Always get up with sun.

You mean that bugle didn't wake you?

Sure last night, lullaby wake up whole tribe.

Lullaby? You mean taps.

But we go right back to sleep.

Hekawi have wise old Indian saying:

"When thorn of blackberry grow on rock,

bullfrog sing like crow in winter."

Now, what does that mean?

Hey, that's a nice little sayi" if you like bullfrogs.

What's going on here, men?

Oh, This is the Hekawi chow line, sir.

I told Wild Eagle if they're gonna stay here,

they got to eat Army chow.

What?

We have to get them out of here.

My uncle will be back tomorrow.

If I were you, sir, I wouldn't worry.

I've already dumped four cans of this in the stew.

Pepper?

Oh.

Good thinking, sergeant.

All right, come and get it.

There you are, Wild Eagle, good old Army stew.

Army chow.

I hear it kill more soldiers than Injuns do.

Ah, that's a vicious rumor, Wild Eagle.

You go ahead and dig in.

You'll love it.

Mmm.

That better.

You mean, you like it?

Hekawi make good deal.

First, peace treaty ever come with room and board.

Take it easy, ladies.

Hold it there.

Hold it.

I can only wait on one of you at a time.

These squaws are acting like wild Indians.

Prepare yourself for a shock, captain,

H Troop is right around the next tepee.

H Troop?

Wilton, don't forget about our date tonight?

I'll pick you up at 7.

Ladies, please!

Take it easy, ladies.

Hold it, there. Hold it.

There they are, captain.

H Troop ready for inspection, sir.

Medicine man give physical

and pick eight best men in tribe.

Are you sure they're gonna hate this, sergeant?

They will.

Watch this.

I'll drill 'em right into the ground.

Sir.

All right, you men wanted to be in the Army.

Well, you better look like soldiers.

Now that I'm on command, you follow me.

By the left flank

with a half gait or somersault.

Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut.

What's the matter with you meatheads?

Don't you understand English?

They still learning Hekawi.

You pipe down.

You're still at attention.

Who you telling pipe down, two stripe?

By the left wing, turn.

Left face.

Right face.

Forward face.

What happened?

Sarge, get 'em back in line.

All right. Now, follow me.

Forward march.

Hut, hut, hut.

Hut, hut.

Sergeant Wild Eagle.

Quiet, quiet, quiet.

I still the sergeant.

Wild Eagle not like this any better than you.

This not life for Injuns, but plan is waiting.

One more day and Sergeant O'Rourke be happy

to give us money to move.

Dirty double-crosser.

He's beginning to sound like me.

That's what happens when you get a third stripe.

Hm, gonna two-time the old master, is he?

Well, when I get through with him,

they'll be glad to leave,

and it won't cost us a cent.

What did we think of this time, sarge?

Agarn, you have just enlisted

in a private war.

All right, now, that's the last one.

I want you to stay low,

but do a lot of hoopin' and hollerin'.

We gotta make 'em think

there's at least three tribes up here.

But, sarge, what if we hit somebody?

Ain't it kinda like... treason?

We're gonna shootin' straight up in the air.

Who could we hit?

Could land on us.

Just do what I tell you, will ya, now?

Ah, that peace-lovin' crook.

Here. Hold this.

Now, all right, you Hekawis, start packin'.

Hey, that's the best shot I made all day.

Thems are arrows.

I-Injun attack!

To the parapets, men.

Charge!

Charge!

Hurry, sergeant, we need all the help we can get.

You get help someplace else.

I just give H Troop furlough for duration.

Not in here, out there.

Sarge, you could get killed out here.

Oh, how can it be any safer.

This is where they're aimin'.

See?

What about that?

Ah, stop worryin'.

Probably Vanderbilt aimin' at somethin' else.

Dobbs, the cannon!

Aw, the knuckleheads.

They knocked the tower down again.

There they are men.

They finally came out in the open.

Mow 'em down.

Agarn, will you be a little more careful, please?

Don't look at me.

This thing don't shoot arrows.

O'ROURKE Hey, it's the Shugs.

What a time for an Indian attack.

Come on, let's go.

Things got a little too hot around here for ya, huh, chief?

Them Shugs is pretty tough customers, ain't they?

Wives tougher customers.

Learn too fast from white squaws.

Spend all wampum with Wrangler Jane.

Braves have to wash dishes, clean tepees,

sit with papooses.

Well, Wild Eagle, that's civilization

That's your problem, and you stuck with it.

We move.

Pack.

Go.

Scourge of the West.

Scourge of the Parmenters is more like it.

But the Indians are out of the fort.

What did I do wrong?

You survived basic training.

I'm gonna return to the railroad camp.

We'll use the original route through Laramie.

B-but, uncle!

But, sir, we got the Indians to move.

Twice.

That you did.

You certainly did get the Hekawis to move.

Now, there's nothing to prevent us from bringing the railroad

right into the town of Fort Courage.

Well, then, sir, what's the problem?

How do we get 'em out again?

The Hekawis have set up their village

on the other side of the town,

right in the path of the railroad.

Well, uncle, why don't we just get them move again.

How 'bout buildin' a bridge?

A beautiful view of the lake.

Or maybe we can dig a tunnel

under the Hekawis, sir.

Uncle Jupiter.

Uncle Jupiter!

Hey, uncle?

Why can't the train

go right through the Hekawi village?

Maybe they won't mind if you don't toot your whistle.

Uncle?

Well, there goes our first million

right down the railroad track.

Well, we gotta make it up somehow.

Wait a minute, where you goin'?

The saloon.

For what?

I'm gonna raise the price on the free lunch.

Yeah.

Hut.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Order.

Beer.

What happened to Vanderbilt?

He was wearing his glasses.

He's probably lost.

Numbskull.

Vanderbilt!

Vanderbilt, can't you get to these formations on time.

I'm sorry, sergeant.

I couldn't get across the street.

I was held up by the train.

A train?

You can't see anything, and now you're seeing things.

Now I'm hearin' things.

It is a train.

All right, all right, come on.

You're in the cavalry.

Back to the bar.