Original subtitles

♪ The end of the Civil War Was near ♪

♪ When quite accidentally ♪

♪ A hero who sneezed Abruptly seized ♪

♪ Retreat And reversed it to victory ♪

♪ His Medal of Honor Pleased and thrilled ♪

♪ His proud little Family group ♪

♪ While pinning it on Some blood was spilled ♪

♪ And so it was planned He'd command ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

♪ Where Indian fights Are colorful sights ♪

♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪

♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪

♪ Both turn chicken ♪

♪ When drilling and fighting Get them down ♪

♪ They know their morale Can't droop ♪

♪ As long as they all Relax in town ♪

♪ Before they resume With a bang and a boom ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

Good morning. Good morning, sir.

Going someplace? A scout patrol, sir.

The Hekawis has been a little restless lately.

It's like sitting on a powder keg with a sputtering fuse.

I thought they were temporarily contained.

They're a tricky bunch, sir.

Agarn and me don't like the way

things are beginning to smell up there.

Hut!

Hyah.

Vanderbilt, ooh, wait, wait.

The... The stake is over there.

Well, what was I aiming at?

The flagpole.

Oh, no wonder it looked so tall.

Well, your... Your distance is just excellent, Vanderbilt.

Now, you just have to work on your direction.

Smell good, huh?

Phew, take a whiff of that stuff.

Ugh!

You call this whiskey?

You call it whiskey.

Hekawi call it nazumahashamuma.

Why?

Uh, paleface translation, "rat gut." Okay.

Medicine man use for sick braves.

Not cure but make them laugh even when it hurt.

Turn that booze boiler off, will you?

Father?

Hello, Silver Dove.

Hi-yo, Silver.

Hello, sergeant, corporal.

What is it, my daughter?

Mama says come to tepee

and pound buffalo steak for dinner.

We have buffalo again?

Not bad if marinated in nazumahashamuma.

Hey, that stuff will marinate the customers.

We have old Hekawi saying:

When field mouse see shadow, time to string beads.

What's that mean?

Not know.

Nobody ever ask before.

Shugs, they kidnap daughter!

Well, them dirty, no good...

Hey, what are you trying to do, wing Silver Dove?

Now, what's going on here? Are you and the Shugs feuding?

War Cloud, that son of Shug chief,

he want to marry my little girl, but I say no!

Shugs not good enough to lace moccasin of Hekawi maiden!

Sarge, just like Romeo and Juliet.

What tribe they with?

Look, what are you standing around for?

Why don't you get your boys and go after them?

Peaceloving Hekawi fight Indian?

That's your job.

Our job?!

Why you think we made palefaced brother?

U.S. cavalry always come to rescue.

Mm, that... That's very good, Hannibal.

Well, you're getting closer all the time.

"Taps" ain't much of a compliment to my cooking.

Well, I'm sorry, Miss Jane,

but that's the closest thing to eating music I know.

Wilton Parmenter, look at your plate.

You ain't hardly touched a thing.

Sure I have. You just piled it too high to begin with.

I was hoping you'd get so took with my cooking

you'd wanna eat it the rest of your life.

That's very kind of you, Janie,

but what if I got transferred?

How would you ship it to me?

Oh, eat your dessert.

Oh, excuse us for busting in like this, captain,

but this is a real emergency, sir.

Emergency?

It's a catastrophe. Mm.

Shugs have kidnapped Wild Eagle's daughter,

and I'd like, with the captain's permission,

to take the troop and fetch her.

I don't know. I'll have to look that up in the Regulations Act.

Don't know if we're supposed to rescue Indians from Indians.

Wilton, will you forget that consigned book?

It'll be a great chance to get in solid

with the ferocious Hekawis, captain.

Well, I... I know that, corporal. I know that.

But there... There must be some...

Sergeant, I'll need your help.

And yours too, corporal.

Uh, but the troop? They won't be needed.

I'll handle this myself. You, sir?

But we can't take a chance on losing you.

There'd be bloodthirsty Indians

lurking behind every rock, captain.

Men, you're forgetting the old cavalry saying:

There are two sides to every rock,

and it takes all kinds of Indians to make the West.

What does that mean?

I don't know. Nobody ever asked me before.

Ah.

Well, how do I look? Mm.

Well, begging the captain's pardon,

like a sneaky Hiawatha.

Ah, I think you look just fine, sir. Oh.

Hey, sarge, ain't you kind of tall for an Indian?

Well, I'll walk on my knees. Nobody will notice.

There's nothing to worry about.

In The Last of the Mohicans,

they did this sort of thing all the time.

And it worked?

I... I don't remember that part.

I'm afraid we better get going. Mm.

What's the matter?

Oh, it's me.

Oh, come on, Minnehaha.

Dobbs, look.

Indian attack!

Indians?

To the parapets, men!

We're the Indians!

And we're friendly!

I got one! I got one!

Vanderbilt, you nut head!

It's me, Duffy!

Oh, excuse me, Duffy.

Ah!

Will you get off of the captain?

Everybody, let me go!

All right, get up.

Bunch of knuckleheads!

Come on, Agarn, let's get the horses.

We... We're sorry, captain.

You ain't mad 'cause you got jumped on, are you?

Oh, no, no, of course not.

It shows that F Troop is courageous and alert.

All right, now, men, the three of us are going out

to raid the Shugs.

And in case we don't make it back,

I want you all to remember that it's...

It's all part of winning the West.

Uh, Private Dobbs, you'll be in charge with the fort.

Well, thank you, sir.

Time to mount up, captain.

Oop!

Dobbs.

Dob...

You all right, sir? Yeah.

All right, here we go.

I must leave to post lookout, Silver Dove.

Sleep without fear.

I am not afraid, War Cloud.

Good night.

I didn't know Indians kissed.

In The Last of the Mohicans, they rub noses.

Yeah, well, that's why they were the last of the Mohicans.

Heart Lips is leaving, captain.

Shall we rush him? No, no, no.

You two men, take care of the guards.

I'll sneak in through the back and get the girl.

Now, don't forget,

if you're spotted, you're an Injun.

You betchum.

Shh.

Don't be afraid, Silver Dove.

You comum with me.

I am not going any place.

I have been kidnapped enough for one day.

You cheat them on count.

I no cheat them on count.

Now... BOTH: Ibitty bibitty sibitty sam

Ibitty sibitty kanaba

Kanaba in, Kanaba out Kanaba over the waterspout

Out goes Y-O-U!

We with U.S. cavalry. Cavalry. You, come.

Come.

Let's hurry up, captain.

It can get drafty around here without your scalp.

Sergeant O'Rourke,

aren't you a little old to be playing Indian?

Never mind about that.

Now, come on. We're gonna go home.

I don't want to go home.

Well, your father wants you to go home!

And I thought this was a free country.

Come on, let's go.

We got her, corporal.

Hey, sarge! They're coming to.

Ibitty bibitty... We got no time

for "Ibitty bibitty sam."

Wild Eagle happy Silver Dove back in coop.

We drink.

Oh that... That...

It's smooth, huh, captain?

Uh, Miss Dove, may I have the pleasure of this dance?

For shame, Wild Eagle,

your daughter rescued, and you forget ancient Hekawi custom.

I not forget nothing.

Wedding of daughter take place one week from today.

Hey, I didn't know Silver Dove is gonna get married. Who to?

Reward for save Hekawi maiden.

Tradition say she must marry captain.

The captain?! Listen, chief.

You'd better stay out of that nashahashahamamuma.

What's...? What's our captain got to do with your tradition?

Ah, very old. Go back many moons.

Many, many, many, many, many, many...

Stop with the moons.

Before sun come up.

Make arrangement for wedding.

Listen, Wild Eagle, you can't make the captain get married.

He's not a redskin.

Him pinkskin. That close enough.

Well, it's against his religion.

He's a... A... A confirmed bachelor.

Captain marry Silver Dove, or we have big fight!

Fight, hah. You?

Ha-ha, the tribe that invented the peace pipe.

We fight.

Tradition only thing Hekawi fight for!

You would?

Even if we have to hire Apache to do it.

Go get blanket for smoke signal.

Send out wedding announcement.

Uh, listen, chief.

Don't you say anything to the captain about this.

Now, please, just... Just let me handle it.

Okay, but you handle.

Move daughter to fort,

cook for captain, wash clothes, one week engagement.

Then... big wedding.

They make lovely couple.

Oh, you... You don't have to cook for me, Silver Dove.

I've got an orderly for that.

It is part of Hekawi tradition.

Do you not like my cooking?

Oh, yes, yes, I... Why, I... I love your... dried otter rump.

It's... It's even better than your pickled rattlesnake.

This is my specialty. Candied sumac and hawk giblets.

Oh that's... That's...

That's... I think... I think it needs a little more seasoning.

I will go to the kitchen and get some.

Uh, you'll find it in a jar marked "bicarbonate."

Hawk giblets.

I tell you, there can't be a wedding.

The captain marries Silver Dove,

we might as well turn honest.

Why don't we tell them

he's got a wife in Philadelphia and 20 kids?

Knucklehead, would you believe the captain has got 20 kids?

Make it 19. I'll...

Sarge, I'm just trying to help.

Oh, big help, yeah.

If the captain gets palsy with the Hekawi,

he'll find out they're not so ferocious,

and that they're making whiskey for our saloon.

What do you think I'm worried about?

That will be the end of O'Rourke Enterprises.

The saloon, the laundry, the hotel,

the real estate office on Boot Hill.

Boot Hill you can lose.

It's a nice place to visit,

but I wouldn't want to live there.

Here comes some more trouble.

Oh, uh, Wrangler, I'm...

I'm sorry, but you can't see the captain for a few days.

He's mapping out a very important campaign.

Yeah, a special request from... General Custer. Mm.

What's a tepee doing on an army post?

Tepee? What tepee? Oh, the Injun tepee.

Sarge, she means the Injun tepee.

Yeah, well, that belongs

to the captain's new housekeeper.

She's an Indian. Housekeeper?

What's he need a housekeeper for?

Now, now... He's got an orderly and me.

Now, wait a minute, Wrangler.

There's nothing to get all riled up about.

She's one of them big, fat, squaw-type housekeepers.

Yeah, well, I don't like it nohow. Out of my way.

Wrangler, now, listen. You can't go in there.

It's off-limits to blond female civilians!

Wrangler!

What's she gonna do when she finds out

the captain is getting married?

What's he gonna do when he finds out he's getting married?

Come in.

Oh, Janie, you're just in time for dinner.

In time for? I thought I brung it.

Baked quail. Shot it myself.

Oh, well, thank you. Thank you very much.

S-say, would like some, uh, hawk giblets and candied sumac?

To eat?

It's Silver's specialty.

Silver?

Wilton Parmenter, what do you need a housekeeper for?

Well, I don't really.

It's just that I rescued her from the Shugs,

and O'Rourke says it's Hekawi tradition.

What's that got to do with it?

You ain't no Hekawi.

How fat is she anyway?

Silver? SILVER: Yes, captain?

Housekeeper?

Yes, uh, Silver Dove,

I'd like you to meet Jane Angelica Thrift.

She brought us some baked quail.

Us?

Thank you, Miss Thrift.

I'll put it in the kitchen and cool it.

Yeah, you do that.

Wilton Parmenter, I don't like this arrangement

one picayune little bit.

Get rid of her.

What? And make Wild Eagle mad?

Look, if I mess up their tradition,

he's liable to get ferocious again

and wipe out this whole fort.

Fiddle-faddle. But, Janie,

it's just part of winning the West.

Yeah, well, you don't have to do it one girl at a time.

"Fat housekeeper." Oh, Janie, look...

Here's the seasoning, captain.

She doesn't look fat.

Will you stop pacing up and down?

You make me nervous.

You asked me to help, didn't you?

How am I gonna get that chief to stop the wedding?

How?

Sarge! Huh? What?

A great idea!

What is it? You got one?

No, that's what we need, a great idea.

You little pig.

Why, I should...

What are you doing?

Listen to that beat. It's wild.

It's a message from the chief.

What does it say?

When are you gonna learn how learn to read?

Gee, a night letter.

Wait a minute.

"Medicine Man check tradition.

"Wedding must take place in full moon.

Tonight!"

Tonight?!

Sarge, what are we gonna do?

Wait a minute. There's more.

"Bring present."

I'll bring him a present.

Listen, you get the captain.

Take him up there, but for Pete's sake,

don't let him know it's his own wedding.

Now, just stall until I get there.

Where are you going?

Where do you think I'm going? To get a present.

Mm-hm.

Hi, I come in peace.

Uh, where's your boss?

Him Ibitty. Mm.

Ibitty bibitty Sibitty sam

Ibitty bibitty Sam Uh, whoa. Kanaba.

Ibitty bibitty Sibitty sam

Half hour long enough.

Call them tie.

I've never been to an Indian wedding before.

Which one's the groom?

The groom? Oh, the groom.

He's around here someplace.

I wish I knew where sarge was.

Tug of war over.

You have other paleface wedding tradition?

The paleface wedding tradition.

Well, once, we've had...

dancing around the maypole,

we've had, uh, dunking for apples,

The potato-sack race,

the snipe hunt... And wait...

Musical chairs. Corporal.

Oh, captain, a wedding wouldn't be legal without musical chairs.

Now, all of you, Hekawi form one big, oblong circle...

Stop!

You hung them up long enough.

Wedding begin.

Start music.

A one, a two.

You know, if this were any other kind of a wedding ceremony,

I'd be standing exactly where the groom should be.

Yeah, well, the Indians don't do it that way no more, captain.

A whole new system.

Oh, yeah, well, where does the groom usually stand?

Oh, anyplace.

Sometimes, he doesn't even show up.

Just like the sarge.

Yeah, I was just telling the corporal

that I've never been this close to a wedding before.

You never get any closer.

Who's the lucky man?

Me. Unload one daughter.

Go ahead, doc.

"Dearly belovum..." AGARN: Wait!

If you don't wanna play musical chairs, how about charades?

Oh, it's a barrel of fun.

Be quiet!

What fun got to do with get married?

"Dearly belovum..."

Wait.

Why didn't I think of it before?

A chess tournament! Practically ain't no fun at all.

Corporal, you're really getting out of line now.

This lovely girl should have been married hours ago.

Ain't that the truth.

You're not to interfere again,

and that's an order.

Go ahead, doctor.

Some wedding.

Hope marriage last this long.

"Dearly belovum..." Not yet.

Groom move out of place.

Uh, who, me?

Heh-heh-heh. No, no.

No, no, I'm not the groom.

You not flower girl.

No, no, I'm...

No, no. Oh, now, wait a minute.

W-wait, no, there's...

There's been a terrible mistake here.

No, no, I'm not getting married.

You save Hekawi, you marry Hekawi.

Tradition.

Oh, look, chief, your Silver Dove

i-is a lovely girl and everything,

but what... She hasn't even met my mother.

Back home in Philadelphia, we believe in long engagements.

Why, I... I... I don't even know you're daughter.

You get to be real good friends on honeymoon.

- "Dearly belovum..." - Wait!

Uh, ch-chief... Chi-chi... I'm sorry,

but I-I just remembered I have to be back at the fort.

I'm the officer in charge, and I have to make a bed check.

Uh, good night, heh.

Hey, come on, please.

You want me to be A-W-O-L?

I forgot to write myself a pass.

Sarge!

Will you put me down, please?

I don't wanna get married!

Uh, no offense, Silver Dove.

"Dearly belovum..."

I forgot a ring.

He forgot a ring. I-I-I-I don't have a ring. I...

Excuse me, one and all,

I-I have to go back to Philadelphia and get a ring.

Nice trip, sir. Yes, thank you.

"Dearly belovum, "many moons ago,

many, many, many, many..."

Mishuaga, Minnehaha, wapan, Wapaka.

Big showoff.

Hear this, all Hekawis.

I bring prophesy from Happy Hunting Ground.

Spirit of wedding very angry.

This marriage without love,

and love greatest of all tradition.

I gotta get out of here.

My blood pressure's ready to pop.

Autumn night, spirit of wedding will deliver true husband

for this bride.

See, now spirit of wedding be happy.

Hear me, oh, Hekawis.

Medicine man go back to Great Spirit.

Now, that's what I call a medicine man.

Bah, him just flashy quack.

We have wise old Indian saying:

Ingalakahaka... manasha hoya.

What does that mean?

"If I wise old Indian, would I have him for medicine man?"

There you are!

Big help you turned out to be! What's the matter?

You asked me to stall the wedding. Where were you?

Well, I got tied up. You know how it is, hm.

It's a good thing I was there,

or the captain would be married right now!

If it wasn't for me and...

devil face. Who's that?

You should have seen him, sarge.

That medicine man must have been 12 feet tall,

sitting up on top of a wild horse.

Smoke, flames coming out of his nose.

I'm telling you,

he scared the heck out of the Hekawis.

Didn't bother you, though none?

No, I don't take nothing from no medicine man.

I stood right up to him and I told him,

"I don't care if you're 20 feet tall.

"There ain't gonna be no wedding.

Not while my name is Corporal Randolph Agarn."

Namashumahamakama.

Yeah, that's just...

Ah.

Goodnight, Randolph.