Original subtitles

♪ The end of the Civil War Was near ♪

♪ When quite accidentally ♪

♪ A hero who sneezed Abruptly seized ♪

♪ Retreat And reversed it to victory ♪

♪ His Medal of Honor Pleased and thrilled ♪

♪ His proud little Family group ♪

♪ While pinning it on Some blood was spilled ♪

♪ And so it was planned He'd command ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

♪ Where Indian fights Are colorful sights ♪

♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪

♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪

♪ Both turn chicken ♪

♪ When drilling and fighting Get them down ♪

♪ They know their morale Can't droop ♪

♪ As long as they all Relax in town ♪

♪ Before they resume With a bang and a boom ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

Sarge.

Sarge.

Hey, what is it?

Smoke signal from the Hekawi.

Yeah, it's a message for us.

Well, what does it say?

When are you gonna learn how to read smoke?

I can't even learn to read tom-toms.

Wait a minute.

"Big trouble.

"Still broke.

No whiskey."

Ugh.

Well, there goes our supply for the saloon.

No, no. We gotta get up there

and get that still fixed and fixed quick.

We can water the whiskey for awhile,

but start watering the water,

they might get suspicious.

Get the horses.

Now, what's the matter with you, chief?

Can't you fix a little still when it breaks down?

Please, please, not so loud.

Wake up this morning with big headache.

Listen, we're partners,

but we can't make any money

if you keep drinkin' up all the product.

Besides, I keep telling ya,

Indians ain't suppose to drink.

Paleface propaganda.

Indian drink long before white man.

Yeah?

You think we sell New York Island for $24 if we sober?

All right, but anyway gather all their stuff up

and pack it on the horse.

Mm?

Well, we can't fix it here.

We'll take it to the post.

We gotta get a lot of parts in town.

You mean, you're gonna bring a still...

on the post?

I'm gonna bring a still on the post.

We're gonna clean out the NCO club.

Get rid of all the merchandise.

Hide the still in there until we get it fixed.

Now, pack it up, will ya?

Come on.

Ringer.

I got a ringer.

I heard it hit.

Well, not exactly, Vanderbilt,

but you... You keep on practicing.

Captain!

Colonel Watkins is approaching the gate.

Uh, Colonel Watkins.

It's good to see you, sir.

Parmenter, I will come right to the point

of a very serious matter.

Oh?

We have positive proof

that the Indians in this locale

have been obtaining liquor.

Your orders, captain:

Find the source of that liquor,

and when you do...

destroy it.

Yes, sir.

Now, I am going to remain on this post

until the mission is accomplished.

I don't have to elaborate

on what could happen to you, captain, if you fail.

Oh, well, I... I won't, sir.

No, I won't fail you.

Well, with the help of Sergeant O'Rourke

and Corporal Agarn, my most trusted men,

the source of the whiskey will be found and destroyed.

Right this way, sir.

You can count on us, sir.

Good, good.

Uh, Private Dobbs.

Show colonel Watkins to his quarters.

Yes, sir, right this way, sir.

Just one minute.

What is that under that blanket?

A horse, sir I can see that.

But what's he carrying?

It looks like some sort of copper tubing.

Yes, sir.

Copper tubing, that's what he's carrying.

Sir, we're planning to build a hot-water heater.

Hot water for the man's bath, sir.

Good.

Good.

A clean soldier is a happy soldier.

Dobbs.

Ah, a hot water heater?

Well, yeah, we were gonna surprise you sir.

We wanted you to have t-the...

The very first bath.

Why, that's...

That's very considerate of you, sergeant.

Thank you, but, uh, back to our objective.

Now, if there is an illegal still

someplace in town, I intend to find it.

We'll make a house to house search.

Sergeant, you alert the men.

Yes, sir.

Mission completed, sir.

This town is as clean as a hound's tooth.

Sergeant.

Gee, if it isn't in town, I wonder where it could be.

You know, once we was looking for Agnes,

one of our chickens,

and we searched high and low for her.

And you know where we finally found her?

Right in the chicken coop.

Well, when I'm looking for chickens,

I'll remember that.

Wilton, what I'm trying to say is

why not look on the post?

A still? On the post?

Well, you've looked all over town.

Only logical place it could be is on the post.

No, no. Leave to a woman to be illogical about logic.

Captain, I mean a still on the post?

It just isn't impossible.

I looked all over town. The only logical place

it could be is on the post.

And we've search everywhere except the NCO club.

Captain, sir, surely you don't think...

Oh, you don't think that, sir.

I'm... I'm not accusing anybody of anything.

It's just that someone might have thought

this was a clever place to hide it.

Not many men go in there.

We must remember rules.

NCO club is strictly off limits to officers.

No one allowed but the noncoms.

That's right, captain.

So it is.

To put your mind at ease, sir.

Corporal Agarn and I,

will give this place a thorough search.

You will? Yes, sir.

Oh, good men. Ah.

You see any still?

No, uh... Do you see any still?

No... let's go.

Corporal, aren't you ashamed of yourself?

We promised to give this place a thorough search.

Ahem, that's thorough enough.

Let's go.

Not a sign of it, sir.

Just like I said, a still on the post,

I mean that's, uh... It's not possible.

Come in.

Oh, sir, we just dropped by...

Ah-ha! Ah-ha, sir?

Right here, wait, wait.

Right here in the manual,

page 82, article number 364-A,

it clearly states, "In cases of emergency

"the commanding officer of a post

is permitted in the NCO club."

He is?

He is?!

But, uh, sir, there's no emergency.

The colonel said if I don't find where the Indians

are getting their whiskey, there will be an emergency.

Oh, but, sir, we've searched our club.

I know that, sergeant.

I know that, but...

But also right here in the manual on page 12,

number 36-B, it also clearly states,

"Officers are more efficient than noncoms."

You might have overlooked that.

Besides, when an officer has a job to do,

he must do it himself.

Wait a minute, sir, I just remembered something.

Yes, I'm positive.

Article 364-dash-A on page 82 has been revised.

I think you'll find the revision on page 102

under article 3-dash-C.

Really? Yes.

We wouldn't want to do anything non-military.

I mean, we must go by the manual, mustn't we, sir?

Oh, yes, yes, of course.

Here, I'll... I'll check it.

Still.

Uh, 102?

Mm, it's, uh, under the fine print there, sir.

Ah, here it is, page 102, number 3-C.

"Sunrise, how to determine it for shooting people at."

Sir, are you sure that this is the latest edition

of the manual?

Oh, absolutely.

Oh, yes, of course.

What am I thinking of?

In the new manual,

it's on the page 212, numbers 8, 3, 4.

Oh.

I-I-I could have sworn it was on page 212,

number 8, 3... No, no, no.

Uh... it's on page 67, number 4-B.

Right glad the captain asked me to show you 'round, colonel.

I am not on a pleasure tour, young man.

I'm looking for a still.

Steel?

Still!

Come in.

Well, I'm sorry about that, captain.

I... I guess I was wrong about those revisions.

Certainly, no reason that you can't go to the NCO club.

Is there?

Of course, you won't find a still there, sir.

We'll see.

Well, you're right, no sign of a still.

Yes, a nice space you have there,

kind of makes me wish I weren't an officer.

Oh, well...

I see you haven't unloaded the parts

for the hot-water heater yet.

Well, uh, looking for that still

has kept us awfully busy, sir.

Hm, true, true.

Vanderbilt, when are you gonna learn

how to wear a hat? Huh.

Man, something's happened to this water.

Sure has.

Didn't I tell you fellas right?

Ain't this the best water you ever had?

It's results that count, captain, not excuses.

I want the source of that whiskey found at once.

I'm doing my best, sir.

You'd better make it better than your best.

Attention!

At ease, men, at ease.

Very tasty.

The only good thing I've found around the post:

the water.

Shh.

You know, we really got it made.

Searched the place once,

he'll certainly never search it again.

Now, that's what I call water.

Some of the men around here are gettin' dumber than ever.

Now, they're ravin' about the water.

Not so dumb.

I chucked those two kegs of whiskey in the well.

You did what?

Well, I had to get rid of 'em somewhere.

More of this tasty water, sir?

Thank you, captain.

I'll pour.

Now, about that still, sir.

Now, don't you worry.

I'll just... I'll keep looking until I find it.

What still?

You know, I like you, boy.

Corporal, call the troop to attention.

At ease, men, at ease.

Captain, if you don't get to the bottom of this...

This fantastic occurrence,

I will have you shot at sunrise.

Oh, would you?

Hey, captain,

what are you dressed like that for?

Darn it, sergeant, you recognized me.

But why the disguise, captain?

I'm going up to the Hekawi camp and ask a few questions

and look around, you know.

Maybe I can find out where they're getting their whiskey.

Uh, I wouldn't do that if I were you, sir.

Why the Hekawi's post their most ferocious warriors

along that shortcut.

Shortcut? Yeah.

It forks off at the big rock up there.

Well, sergeant, until I return,

F Troop is in your hands.

What an officer.

Hm.

But, sarge,

that ain't the shortcut to the Hekawi camp!

I know, that's the long way.

You're gonna take the shortcut.

Get up there and tell Chief Wild Eagle

to keep his big trap shut

about the firewater.

Yeah, but, sarge...

For once, will you do it my way?

Hi, Wilton.

Darn it, Janey, you recognize me.

Why you dressed up like that for?

Well, I'm gonna go up to the Indian village.

Maybe I can get them to talk

about where they're getting their whiskey?

Well, you sure are goin' the long way?

Oh?

Sergeant O'Rourke said this was a shortcut.

He knows better than that.

Why would he tell me this was a shortcut?

I wonder if they're trying to keep something from me.

Chief Wild Eagle?

You don't know where an old trader

could get a little drink of firewater, do you?

Wild Eagle not know what you talking about,

Captain Parmenter.

Darn it, chief, you recognize me.

I come in peace.

Okay, peace.

But Hekawis not have firewater.

Don't you know, Indians not supposed to drink?

Uh, do you mind if I ask the medicine man about it?

Powwow all you want.

Uh, doctor?

Please, can't you see me with patient?

Make appointment first.

Ah, tongue not forked.

How come you no tell truth?

Me good brave.

Me tell truth, I no steal horse,

no steal blanket, no steal bear meat.

If you say so, but you look plenty pale.

You take medicine.

Sometime medicine man plenty smart.

Medicine he gave loosen tongue.

Make Crazy Cat tell truth.

The medicine makes him tell the truth?

Medicine yum-yum?

Yum-yum.

You steal something lately?

Me steal horse, me steal blanket,

me steal bear meat, me steal buffalo meat.

Come, we lock him up in iron tepee.

Come in.

Oh, you wanted to see us, sir?

Yes, yes, come in. Come in have a seat.

And, uh, have a some of this new tonic I came across.

It's very refreshing.

Well, no, thank you, sir.

Not, uh... Not just now for me.

Don't mind if I do, sir.

Thank you.

Did you find out anything up at the Hekawi camp, sir?

No, no, I couldn't learn a thing.

Very tasty, captain.

Fine, fine. Would you say it was yum-yum?

Yum-yum?

Yeah, you could say that, sir.

Good, good.

Well, the reason I asked you here

was to tell you that I haven't found the still, yet.

Oh, what a shame, sir?

Well, we've certainly searched high and low,

haven't we, Agarn?

You know, I've been thinking though,

maybe one of you men came across a still some place

and then forgot about it.

Well, captain, that doesn't make any sense.

I mean, you couldn't possibly run across the still

and then just forget about it,

now, could you, sir.

I don't know about that.

Have you seen a still hidden around some place, corporal?

I sure have. Agarn.

Where?

We've got the prettiest little still

you ever did see right in our NCO club.

Captain, this man is out of his mind.

He doesn't know what he's saying?

He is drunk.

What...? What have you put in that tonic, sir?

Nothing, nothing.

It's a very delicious drink, isn't it, corporal?

Yum-yum.

Now, shall we go have a look at that still?

But, captain, sir, I'm just...

Corporal Agarn, did not know what he was talking about.

You will not find a still in there.

The key, sergeant.

Oh, yeah, the key.

Well, maybe you're right, sergeant.

He has been in the sun too long.

Yes, well, that's, uh...

That's what I said, sir.

Three braves sneak down last night and take from club.

Yeah, but I still don't get it.

I mean, how did you know that we were...

We see captain steal herbs that make man tell truth.

Me figure he would give to you and make you talk.

We sure gotta hand it to you guys.

Better you hand us whiskey.

Fix still.

That's gonna be hard to do.

We can't fix it here.

We sure can't take it back to the fort

with that captain snoopin' around.

Agarn, I tell you somethin',

we are in big, big trouble.

And that colonel's not gonna leave the fort

until he finds out where these guys are gettin' the stuff.

Besides, what're we gonna do?

I know what I do.

I go talk to happy spirits of Mother Nature.

Talk to spirit of Earth,

spirit of running streams.

Maybe they bring us firewater.

Him one cuckoo medicine man.

Yeah, that he is.

But, uh, he just gave me an idea.

A cuckoo idea, but it just might work.

It's unbelievable, sir,

I have found out where the Indians are getting

their whiskey from.

There it is, sir.

What?

Sergeant, that's only a spring.

Well, I thought so too, sir.

But just wait till you taste it.

Dobbs.

Mm-hm.

It's whiskey.

Captain.

Well, it looks like a chaser, sir

but that's... That's the real thing.

Incredible.

How?

Why, I don't know, sir.

But Mother Nature does do some strange things

I mean, that's an 86-proof spring before your very eyes.

Yes, sir, Mother Nature does do some incredible things.

Well, there is only one thing to do, captain.

This spring must be destroyed.

Sir, I came prepared for any emergency.

We'll blow it up immediately. Dobbs,

go get the dynamite.

C-captain, sir,

uh, are you...? I could do it later

and take care of it for you.

Captain, please, sir.

I-I can take care of this later.

T-this could be very dangerous, captain.

Captain, I'll just go see

if that dynamite... did its job.

Well done, captain.

My congratulations.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Thank you very much.

Hey, chief.

Doc.

Agarn.

Hey, pal.

Where...? Where are you, p...?

Agarn, are you all right, pal?

Sure.

But, boy, does that stuff have a kick!

Uh, message from Chief Wild Eagle.

What's it say?

"Still fixed good. Much whiskey.

Love white brother."

They must be havin' a real party up there.

How can you tell?

Every word misspelled.