Original subtitles

♪ The end of the Civil War Was near ♪

♪ When quite accidentally ♪

♪ A hero who sneezed Abruptly seized ♪

♪ Retreat And reversed it to victory ♪

♪ His Medal of Honor Pleased and thrilled ♪

♪ His proud little Family group ♪

♪ While pinning it on Some blood was spilled ♪

♪ And so it was planned He'd command ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

♪ Where Indian fights Are colorful sights ♪

♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪

♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪

♪ Both turn chicken ♪

♪ When drilling and fighting Get them down ♪

♪ They know their morale Can't droop ♪

♪ As long as they all Relax in town ♪

♪ Before they resume With a bang and a boom ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

Hey, sarge.

We're running low on water.

That's all right.

We only got a couple of bottles or whiskey left.

Agarn...

are you sure you locked the back door?

I think I locked it.

Y-you think... You think you locked it?

Hey, take it easy, Pete. I'm sorry, boss.

I guess I'm getting a little jumpy.

You've got nothing to worry about.

You got nothing to worry about.

Nobody knows you own this saloon.

Everybody in town thinks I own it.

We're not doing nothing wrong.

We're just putting the chaser in the bottom.

We've eliminated the middleman.

Thank you.

Eh, those Indians sure know how to make whiskey.

I'd hate to get hit by an arrow

dipped in that stuff.

I think that's the best batch the Hekawi ever sent.

The last shipment had...

just a taste of moccasin.

We haven't had complaints from customers, have we?

And you never will.

It's 109 miles to the next saloon.

And every one of them 109 miles

is hot and thirsty.

Hey. Wonder what that is.

Oh.

Oh, uh, howdy, ma'am.

Howdy.

Always happy to help a stranger in town.

Oh, that's very kind of you. Um...

Oh, O'Rourke's the name, ma'am.

Sergeant Morgan O'Rourke.

Name's O'Reilly. Lily O'Reilly.

Well, begosh and begorra now. A daughter of the old sod.

A chip off the old Blarney Stone.

I'd like you to meet my pal, Corporal Agarn.

Nice to meet you.

Now, what can an O'Rourke do for an O'Reilly?

Begorra, you could be showing me to the real estate office.

Right on the corner there, ma'am.

You just ask for Clem Witherspoon.

Thank you.

You planning to buy a house in these parts.

Yes, I'm going to set up business here.

Oh, how nice.

Just what this town needs, a little dress shop.

Oh, no. I'm opening a saloon.

Saloon?

We're the O'Reillys from County Cork.

Sarge.

Get that bugle and go down in the weeds someplace,

and try to learn something besides "Dixie."

There you...

Hey. Well, what did you find out?

O'Reilly's got it.

She leased the boarding house

across the street from your place,

and she's turning it into a saloon.

You mean to tell me that Clem Witherspoon

let me down and rented her that place.

Now, don't blame Clem.

O'Reilly's a beautiful woman. He held out as long as he could.

How long was that?

Till she walked through the door. Ah.

What kind of a lease did he give her?

Ninety-nine years, with an option for 99 more.

I don't understand it.

A grown man allowing a woman to twist him

around her little finger like that.

It's easy.

Sarge, have you taken a good look at her fingers?

She's not in business yet.

Still needs a permit to sell liquor in the area

from the military governor.

That would be Captain Parmenter. Right.

And he's not gonna give her one.

What make you so sure?

Because I'm gonna have a talk with him.

Hey, Agarn. Yeah, sarge.

Come here. I got an idea.

Got you, sarge.

Just give me a couple minutes before you come in.

Right.

Come in.

Captain.

Sergeant.

Is, uh, everything all right, sir?

Oh, yeah. Yes. Everything's fine, sergeant.

I've... Oh.

I got my hand caught in this cookie jar.

Here, let me help you, sir. Let's see now.

Oh, whoop, whoop. Let's open up the fist.

Ah. There we go.

Oh. Thank you, sergeant.

You all right?

Captain, there's something I'd like to discuss with you

that affects the troop's welfare.

Certainly. You care for a cookie?

Uh, no. Thank you.

You see, this woman has come to town, and she...

Let me help you, sir.

Uh, the fist again, sir.

Yeah. There you go. Thank you.

Sir, I think you better give up sweets.

You're... You're getting a fat hand.

Well, what were you saying?

Oh, yes.

Well, there's this woman, see, who's comes to town,

and she wants to open up another saloon.

And if there's one thing that this town does not need,

it's another saloon.

Well, I see nothing wrong in that.

This country's built on free enterprise.

Well, you're looking at a great believer in free enterprise,

but I just don't think this town needs another place

of temptation for sinners.

Hm. I never thought of it that way.

Maybe we should close the saloon we have now.

Oh, no, no, sir.

Well, it's just that I think we're a...

A one-sin town.

Nevertheless, if drinking is such a problem here,

maybe I should revoke the saloon's permit.

What, and endanger the lives of women and children?

Now, why do women and children need a saloon?

Snakebite, sir.

There isn't a snake within 50 miles.

Well, of course not.

That's why the snakes don't come here.

They know that we have a saloon.

Oh.

Happy New Year!

Look, sir.

Can you imagine the condition this man would be in

if we had two saloons in this town?

Corporal Agarn, you're drunk.

If you think I'm drunk, you ought to see my horse.

Yahoo!

Corporal, you know the regulations

concerning drinking on duty.

Who are you?

Commanding officer.

It's a pretty big job. You think you can handle it?

Now, you see, sir,

why you can't issue a permit to Lily O'Reilly

for another saloon.

Another saloon!

Happy New Year!

You're absolutely right, sergeant.

It could destroy the morale of the whole troop.

I knew you'd handle the situation properly, sir.

Captain?

Got a drink? No.

Always thinking of your men.

Just a little drink? No, corporal.

General Grant would give me a drink.

We need more officers like you, sir.

Give... Give me that.

That's my cookie... Now. Give me...

Captain. Eh, captain... I can assure you...

Open up the fi... That's it.

I can assure you, sergeant,

that I'm not going to issue anyone

a permit for another saloon in Fort Courage. Huh.

You're not gonna be any fun at all.

What's that?

I don't know, sir.

Hey.

Ah, you must be Captain Parmenter.

Ha. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, I'm Lily O'Reilly.

I've come to ask for a liquor permit.

How soon do you want it?

Oh, by the way, when does this is permit expire?

Ninety-nine years.

But I'll give you an option for 99 more.

Thank you.

Good day.

Any sign of her yet?

Sarge, you really think you'll be able

to talk the O'Reilly gal out of opening that saloon?

Listen, there hasn't been a woman born

that I can't handle.

Well, she ain't like most other women.

Where they end, she's just getting started.

Yep. You leave her to me.

Now look, here's I want you to do.

Huh? Uh...

Oh. Hi, Wrangler.

Hi.

Have you seen Doc Martin?

I think he's over at the Johnsons'

treating the goat for colic, why?

I want him to take a look at Wilton.

What's the matter with captain?

I don't know.

He just sits there in his chair with his mouth open

and his eyes staring straight ahead, mumbling,

"Ninety-nine years, and an option for 99 more."

I just can't figure it out.

Grown men behaving like lovesick cows,

just because a not-too-ugly gal comes to...

All right, now, pull yourself together and remember our plan.

Well, good afternoon Miss O'Reilly.

Good afternoon, Sergeant O'Rourke.

What was that you said, Corporal Agarn?

Y-you can't talk like that about a lady.

Oh, really. Sergeant, I... All right.

You asked for it.

Well, perhaps that will teach him a lesson.

And now, uh, if you'd care to step inside,

I'll buy you a drink to settle your jangled nerves.

I'm sure that...

you're not used to such things as this,

being the genteel person that you are. Oh.

Won't you, uh, sit right there, please.

Thank you.

Bartender, make us two whiskeys.

Make it fast.

Coming right up, sergeant.

Well, I certainly hate to see a thing like that

happen to a nice lady like you.

Really not sure I know what happened.

Course, it shouldn't surprise me.

This is no town for you.

It isn't?

There you are, sergeant.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

What a toast. To a lovely lady.

And may she find a town that deserves her.

Oh, I think I've already found that town, sergeant.

Oh.

Here's to Fort Courage.

Well, I guess you'd have found out

about it sooner or later.

Find out about what?

The widow. What widow?

The Widow Brown.

Who's Widow Brown?

Well, she, uh... She owns this place.

Has 16 children, no husband.

He's dead.

Yeah, that's why we call her the "Widow Brown."

Good thinking.

If you were to open a place across the street,

you might the Widow Brown out of business.

She'd have nothing but 16 hungry children.

No husband.

And that's why you call her "Widow Brown."

Yeah, that's right. Hm.

Mm.

Woo.

I'm surprised she's been in business this long

serving this kind of whiskey.

What's the matter with that whiskey?

Well, for one thing, it tastes like a wet moccasin.

Uh, bartender.

Yeah, sergeant.

What seems to be the trouble?

The lady is complaining about the whiskey.

She says it tastes awful.

Now get us a bottle of your best.

Boss... you know the only whiskey we got

is what them Indians make, and... Uh...

My.

This has been an interesting conversation.

Now, just a minute.

I'd like to invite you

to the opening of my saloon, sar...

Or should I say, "Widow" O'Rourke.

Feel free to bring the 16 kiddies.

Put more wood on fire.

Move faster on corn.

Time to change moccasins.

Hi, chief.

Hi, sergeant.

How are things, chief?

Oh, good.

Put two more squaws on corn husking.

Nice to see Honeysuckle Rose back on kernel mashing.

Oh, she perfect for job.

Only squaw in tribe with flat feet.

Chief, could we talk to you in private for a minute?

Sure. Step into my office.

Keep up the good work, girls.

Go, Honeysuckle, go.

Pull up deer skin and sit down.

Want to try new batch of whiskey?

No, thanks. I'm riding.

Good thinking.

I've got to come right to the point, chief.

We are in big, big trouble.

Somebody's opening a saloon across the street.

You know what this could mean to us?

We'll have to go back to being soldiers.

Worse for us. We have to go back to being Indians.

This new saloonkeeper is a woman.

Squaw?

Then what is problem?

We run her out of business.

Chief. This ain't your ordinary, everyday, corn-stomping,

basket-weaving squaw.

Squaw is squaw.

I'm glad you feel that way about it, chief,

because she found out that you're making our whiskey,

and she's bound to come up here to buy some from you.

And if don't sell her any,

that will put the squeeze on.

It will take her months to get a shipment from back East.

No problem. No problem.

Hekawis knows how to take care of squaw.

Hey, what's that?

Me not know. Go see.

Oh, you must be Chief Wild Eagle.

I'm Lily O'Reilly.

Well, won't do you any good here.

You're not gonna get any whiskey.

Why don't we let the chief decide?

All right.

Chief, I'd like to make an agreement with you,

where you become my whiskey supplier.

Go ahead, chief. Tell the squaw, no deal.

How soon you want it?

Immediately.

Oh, and chief.

How long can I, uh,

count on you to keep this agreement?

Ninety-nine years, with option for 99 more.

Nice going, chief.

By the way, O'Rourke,

I plan to, uh, move my location of my saloon.

Yeah, the next territory, I hope.

No. No. Just across the street. Your place.

My place?

Well, O'Rourke, you wouldn't want me to tell the army

that you own the saloon, now, would you?

O'Reilly, that's blackmail.

Yes, it is, isn't it?

Why don't you drop by tomorrow?

Drinks are on the house.

Look at that, will you.

It's been like that ever since O'Reilly took over.

It has, huh?

One guy was standing in line 12 hours before he got in.

Agarn, nobody stands in line

12 hours to get into a saloon.

Don't tell me, sarge.

I was standing right behind him.

You mean, after what O'Reilly did to me

that you went into her saloon?

I'm was a spy, sarge!

Oh. Well, what did you see in there?

Another line at the bar.

But once you get in,

you only have to wait six hours.

Well, Sergeant O'Rourke.

I was wondering when you were going to drop by, sergeant.

Corporal Agarn's been in already.

Haven't you, corporal?

You're not gonna get away with this, O'Reilly.

Now really, Sergeant O'Rourke,

I thought you'd be pleased

to see a daughter of the old sod doing well.

The only thing that would please me

is to see you buried in that old sod.

Gosh and begorra,

I never thought I'd hear that from the lips

of a lovable Irish lad like you.

Yeah, you're gonna hear a lot more.

You mark my words. I'm gonna run you out of this town, O'Reilly.

For that, you'd have to join a temperance league.

Agarn.

Sarge.

Where can I get a tambourine and a drum?

Sarge, if this works, this town will be bone dry.

Not for long.

Once we get the saloon closed and O'Reilly out of town,

we'll form a... A league for "back to barleycorn."

Oh, no.

Leave this to me, will you?

All right, now.

Let's hear a little drum over there, Dobbs.

Come on. Some tambourine, Agarn.

Gather around friends. Gather around.

Hear the good word.

Hit me with a little more drum and tambourine.

Yes, sir, I want you to take a pledge for me today.

Friends...

this is the day we save your souls.

Save them from the evils of demon rum.

Hit me with a little more drum and tambourine.

Our beloved little town has been

taken over by a wicked woman of wicked ways.

I want you to look at that line in front of the saloon.

And on a Sunday morning.

We used to have that line in front of our church

before Lily O'Reilly came to town.

Hold the tambourine, Agarn.

I ask all of you now to take the pledge with us.

To rid Fort Courage of its sinfulness.

All right, men.

♪ Bringing in the sheaves ♪

♪ Bringing in the sheaves ♪

♪ We will come rejoicing ♪

♪ Bringing in the sheaves ♪

♪ Bringing in the sheaves ♪

♪ Bringing in the sheaves ♪

♪ We will come rejoicing ♪

♪ Bringing in the sheaves ♪

♪ Bringing in the sheaves ♪

♪ Bringing in the sheaves ♪

♪ We will come rejoicing ♪

♪ Bringing in the sheaves ♪

Uh...

Brothers and sisters, here is our leader.

The only man who has the power

to close Lily O'Reilly's temple of wickedness.

Hallelujah, brothers!

Nice to see you've reformed, corporal.

Thank you, sir.

I've reformed too, captain.

I didn't know you drank, Dobbs.

One of the worst kind. A secret tippler.

But he has seen the light

and joined with me to spread the word.

We must carry the message of clean living

to those sinners across the street,

so that they may be saved like this man.

Brothers and sisters, look at this man.

This morning a pair of bloodshot eyes

stared from a face

trying to mask a rum-soaked brain.

But a whiskey breath betrayed him.

But look at him now.

Clear of eyes. Steady of hand.

Sound in mind and sound in body,

because he is now able to resist the temptations

of John Barleycorn.

Hallelujah, brothers! I've got the word!

Agarn, where are you going?

To spread the word in that temple of wickedness!

Repent, you sinners! Repent!

Stand aside. Stand aside.

Repent!

Repent-pent-pent!

Wait a minute!

Put down that bottle of demon rum!

Don't give in to temptation!

Agarn.

Are you all right? Huh?

I guess they don't wanna be saved, sarge.

Now, look what you've started, a real donnybrook.

I certainly admired your sermon, sergeant.

It might be a good idea to close the saloon.

Yeah, if I don't stop that fight,

there won't be a saloon left to close.

Looks like you took quite a punch in the jaw, corporal.

Don't let a little thing like this

stop your good work, sergeant.

Listen, captain.

That is no place for a man who has plans for the future.

Some kind of a Bull Run all over again.

I'd better go back to the fort

and get some more men to break this up.

I'll go with you.

You could use some first aid...

And a drink too.

Fellas, come on. Let me through, please.

Let me get through.

O'Rourke?

You're a mess. Heh.

Yeah, so is my saloon.

You can have it back now.

Oh, gee. Thanks a lot.

Ow. I'm sorry.

You know something, O'Rourke? What?

You tried every way to beat me but the right way.

Yeah, what's the right way?

You can have the saloon back.

It's your saloon, O'Rourke.

I'm going to Dodge.

But I might be glad to come back

after you've got it fixed up.

You will?

I might even run it for you.

You will?

For how long?

For 99 years, with an option for 99 more.

Hey, Agarn.

Did you tell Wild Eagle to get the stove going again?

I did, sarge.

He said it ought to be in action

by the end of the week.

End of the week? What takes so long?

Well. Honeysuckle Rose needs at least three days

to get her legs in shape.

You got anything special planned

for our reopening, boss?

I got a big surprise.

What's that?

We are gonna serve whiskey in our whiskey.

Sarge, you've got class.

Uh... Yeah, the place is gonna be fixed up

sooner than I thought.

My troubles are over.

Hey. Sounds like a parade. Yeah.

Glory be!

Hallelujah, sisters!

Hallelujah!

Hallelujah, sisters!

Agarn! Come back here.

Agarn!