Original subtitles

♪ The end of the Civil War Was near ♪

♪ When quite accidentally ♪

♪ A hero who sneezed Abruptly seized ♪

♪ Retreat And reversed it to victory ♪

♪ His Medal of Honor Pleased and thrilled ♪

♪ His proud little Family group ♪

♪ While pinning it on Some blood was spilled ♪

♪ And so it was planned He'd command ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

♪ Where Indian fights Are colorful sights ♪

♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪

♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪

♪ Both turn chicken ♪

♪ When drilling and fighting Get them down ♪

♪ They know their morale Can't droop ♪

♪ As long as they all Relax in town ♪

♪ Before they resume With a bang and a boom ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

I don't get it, sarge.

What people?

They'll be flocking out here by the hundreds.

By the thousands.

We'll have to put rubber walls

in the saloon and the hotel.

We'll have cots in the livery stable.

But what will they be comin' out here for?

Gold, Agarn.

We are gonna have

the biggest gold strike in history.

Gold!

Shh.

We don't want 'em to hear about it yet.

Who? The rabbits?

Sarge. A question.

Right.

If you're gonna have a gold rush,

don't you need gold?

What do you think I got in there?

Seventy-five dollar" worth.

What an investment.

Nice shot, sarge. You hit the hill.

Come on, let's get back to the fort.

What about the gold?

Ain't you gonna...?

Oh, boy.

I get it.

You salted the hill.

Yes, and as soon as we get somebody to find it,

we're in business.

What a mind.

How do you dream up things like that?

Well, it helps if you're a rat.

Well, I'm a rat,

and I never think of things like that.

Yeah, well, see, that's because

I'm a bigger rat than you.

That's why I'm a sergeant.

Now, let's go dig ourselves up

some likely prospector.

Hey! Here we go, boy.

Running Bull.

Yes, professor.

Better fetch my prospecting shovel.

Because we are going to start

a little gold rush of our own.

But why?

Why do we have to get someone else?

Why can't we just tell them we found it?

Listen, if I told you I discovered gold,

would you believe it?

Let's get somebody else.

Right.

But who's gonna believe

you know where the gold is?

Who believes everything I tell him?

Uh... Dobbs.

Dobbs.

Dobbs!

You don't like it, huh?

Well, I do, I do.

It's... It's very pretty.

But there just isn't anything in the regulations

about a bugler playing the violin.

But I'm much better on the fiddle

than I am on the bugle.

I took lessons for a whole year

when I was a young'un.

I'm sorry Dobbs. That wouldn't wake anybody.

But if they was awake, it'd keep 'em

from going back to sleep.

Well, yeah, I-I know.

I know, but you see,

a violin just isn't practical for a bugler.

Now, if you were leading a charge,

you wouldn't have any hands left over

for hanging on to the horse.

I'll show ya.

Oh, uh... excuse us, sir.

Oh, sergeant, I was just showing Private Dobbs

how difficult it is to lead a charge with a violin.

Uh, who we attacking, sir,

the Philadelphia Philharmonic?

I guess I better get back

to practicing on my bugle.

That's good cavalry thinking, Dobbs.

W-wait! Wait.

Now, what can I do for you, gentlemen?

Oh, well, uh,

requesting the captain's permission, sir,

for Agarn and me to leave the fort.

Oh, where do you wanna go?

Now, why did you ask that, sir?

Well, I-I am the commanding officer.

I think I have a right to know

where my men are going.

Well, it's no use, corporal.

He... He's on to it.

What? On to what?

He is shrewd. No reason for us

to think we could keep it to ourselves.

Keep what?

How do you suppose

he found out about the gold?

What gold?

You can't keep anything

from a good officer, Agarn.

What officer?

Captain, what you heard is just a rumor.

There's nothing certain about gold being discovered

at the foot of Calico Mountain,

12 miles north by northeast of Fort Courage.

There isn't? There is?

Well, well, why don't we...

We just go out there and see for ourselves.

Excellent thinking, sir.

But I'd like to take along a few men.

To carry the loot.

Gold can be very heavy.

Yeah, I'll round up a detail.

Now, you get the picks and shovels.

It's a good thing we're in the cavalry.

Why is that, sir?

We'll have the horses to help carry the gold.

Very shrewd planning.

I knew we could count on the old man.

Yeah.

What old man?

Well, you, sir. You're...

You're the old man.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Thirty minutes

and nobody's found that spot yet.

If you want the captain to find the gold,

you're gonna have to steer him, sarge.

Yeah, you're right, I better get to him

while he's still up and around.

Look at him.

You all right, captain?

I'm fine. I'm fine.

Hoo! Prospecting for gold

is pretty tough work, isn't it?

Well, it doesn't grow on trees, sir.

That's for sure.

Why don't you look some place else, like...

over there.

Say, Agarn's got a good idea there.

Why, that spot's got gold marked...

Oh... Marked all over it, sir.

Now, here. Here we go.

Sir.

Here's where history gets made.

Captain first, sir.

Oh!

Gold!

He discovered gold!

Are you sure? Where?

Right there in that hole.

Must be 75 dollars' worth.

Hey, you sure?

I don't see any gold.

There it is, captain, right... Sarge. What?

There ain't no gold.

What? There's gotta be.

Let's try over there.

Yeah, that's a good idea, man.

At least it's shady under the tree.

What tree?

Hey...

what do you suppose happened to that gold?

Some gold rush.

Maybe we oughta start

diggin' in your gun, instead.

Yeah, dig, will ya?

Sergeant, do you have a feeling there's something missing?

Yeah, people.

Where do you suppose everybody went?

Janey?

Where is everybody?

Duration of what?

The gold strike. Ain't ya heard?

Gold strike? What are you talking about?

We just come from Calico Mountain.

Ain't nobody there.

This is up north of Laramie.

Everybody bought a claim

and hightailed it out of here.

Bought a claim from who?

Go on into the fort.

You can still get in on it.

Hyah!

Now, t-there's one thing I...

I don't understand, Janey.

Where did they make this strike?

Why don't you come on in the store, Wilton.

Uh, let me show you the map.

All right, boys.

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do

for my friends in the service.

With each and every

parcel of land backed with my personal guarantee

to contain 14 karats solid gold,

I will include three bottles of the world's greatest tonic:

Running Bull's Magic Elixir.

Just think, my friend.

For the insignificant sum of $10,

you get one genuine, hand-engraved deed

to one quarter of an acre of gold-filled

Patso Indian land.

Plus, three bottles of the remarkable remedy

that has kept Running Bull alive

for the past 103 years.

You do not believe that this superb specimen

of Indian man could possibly be 103 years of age.

Well, you're right.

He is not. He is 122.

For the first 19 years of his life,

before he invented this titan among tonics,

Chief Running Bull was known as Tired Ever,

the last of the Patsos.

Did he do it again?

All right, gents, step right up.

For a mere $10,

Professor Cornelius Clyde will make you all

the healthiest millionaires of the West.

For the gentleman with the four eyes,

here is one bottle.

All right, Clyde,

we're gonna have a little talk.

Now, now, sar... Sergeant, I'm sorry.

But we just can't make special rights for noncoms.

I have held out a few choice plots,

and for the same measly... Yeah, right.

All right, never mind the spiel.

What kind of con are you up to?

You know there ain't no gold around Laramie.

If there was, why would you sell the land

for 10 bucks a chunk?

Kind of early for Santa Claus?

That is a good question.

My friends, Running Bull is not in the least interested

in the long green.

He is the last of the Patso Indians,

sole owner of the tribal lands.

But he does have one minor idiosyncrasy.

He likes to travel.

Has to travel, you mean.

Now, listen, Clyde.

You give that money back to the men

and hightail it out, or I'll throw you

and that mousy Methuselah in the guardhouse.

We'll toss you in the clink

and throw the key away.

The clink?

I hope it's big enough for all four of us.

What's that supposed to mean?

Gentlemen, I have here, in this little sack,

about 75 dollars' worth of small,

gold nuggets.

Sarge, this crook swiped your gold rush.

Shh!

I assume that the United States Cavalry

will take special recognition of noncoms

who go around salting claims

above and beyond the call of duty.

Now, listen, Clyde,

I'm gonna give you a break.

You say that Running Bull likes to travel?

You got just two minutes to get in this wagon

and start traveling.

Well, I suppose four in a cell

would be a little crowded.

And besides,

we've used up all of our deeds.

Yes, sergeant, I think you're right.

I think it's time for the professor

to head for greener fields.

And if there's one thing you got around here,

a lot of, it's greener fields.

That's what I like about the West.

Pretty boy.

Let's hit the road.

Well, goodbye, my friends.

Don't take any wooden Indians.

Hey, Duffy!

Back her up.

It's gold.

Gold!

I found gold!

Gold!

It's gold!

Gold nuggets right here in the fort. Sarge!

I found more.

Real gold.

Real gold.

Stop!

Not so close to the tower.

Look out!

Wouldn't it be easier

if you just tried to do better

on your bugle?

The banjo's much louder than the violin.

Besides, I've practiced so much on that bugle,

my pucker's begining to sag.

Come in.

Hello, sergeant. Look, Dobbs.

You just keep tooting on your bugle.

It may not be good, but it's regulation.

Yes, sir.

He, uh... He sure keeps tryin', don't he, sir?

Poor Dobbs.

I've never seen any boy who couldn't play

so many different instruments.

Oh, you sent for me, sir.

Hm? I did?

Hm. Oh, yes. Yes, I did.

Sergeant, look, we...

Are you all right, sir?

Yes, yes, I'm fine.

Uh, now, where was I?

Oh, yes, sergeant.

I want you and Corporal Agarn

to go after Professor Clyde

and bring him back here immediately.

Clyde?

Why would you want to do that, sir?

Why, the man's a crook.

He fleeced practically everybody in Fort Courage.

Now, that's a very strong accusation, sir.

I mean, are you quite sure?

Of course I'm sure.

You know where those claims are?

I looked it up on the map,

and the men of F Troop

now own Old Faithful geyser

in Yellowstone Park.

That could be a very interesting concession, sir.

Why, they could build a fence around it and sell tickets.

Hm.

Sell tickets.

That's... That's ridiculous.

That's United States government property.

They never belonged to the Patsos.

And you know why?

Because I found out there never was

any such tribe as the Patsos.

Not one single Pats.

That's very disturbing news, sir.

But, uh...

Well, I'm afraid that Agarn and I

couldn't catch up with the professor.

He's had half a day's head start on us.

Now, I think you're being too modest, sergeant.

You and corporal Agarn should have no trouble

catching up with a medicine wagon.

Besides, United States Cavalry always gets its man.

Well, begging the captain's pardon, sir.

That's the, ahem, Royal Canadian Mounties.

Oh. Well, they... They do nice work too.

Yes, sir.

Sarge, if you stop for coffee every 10 minutes,

we ain't never gonna catch him.

Yeah, how 'bout that.

You mean...?

Can't you get it through your head?

I don't wanna catch him.

You mean, we just came out here to drink coffee?

If we take Clyde back,

he'll tell the captain we salted the claim.

Now, do you wanna spend the rest of your life in a guardhouse?

I'll make another pot.

Forget it.

Just put out the fire.

We'll go up to the Hekawi camp.

What for?

We gotta stay out of the fort

for a couple of days, don't we?

There. We go back and tell the captain

we couldn't find the professor.

Well, that makes sense.

Not to me.

Stupid gold rush

is wipin' us out at the saloon.

I gotta tell Wild Eagle

to stop makin' so much whiskey.

Now, will you please put out that fire?

Hey, chief, I am trying to talk to you.

Will you stop with the dance?

Wild Eagle not dance.

Foot fall asleep.

Bad circulation.

Hey, I just felt some rain.

How you like that?

Maybe that was dance I do.

Oh, this time I try for snow.

Will you stop it, Wild Eagle.

We got a problem.

Now, we haven't had a customer in the saloon for two days.

I want you to cut down on the whiskey production.

Cut down? We already cut out.

Hekawi got much better use for still.

Make magic elixir.

Wild Eagle live to be 143 years old.

We caught up with him.

Shoulda kept drinkin' coffee.

Bless my little stout,

if it isn't the old salt miners.

What are they doin' here?

Chief, you're harboring a couple of crooks.

Just a doggone minute.

O'Rourke, you speak with forked tongue.

Him not crook. Him great medicine man.

Spread elixir all over country.

And on a good day,

some of it might even slop over into Canada and Mexico.

All right, Clyde, now you've had it.

Take the kid and hit the trail,

or part of you is gonna slop over into Canada or Mexico.

This happens to be our territory.

Stand back, boy.

You are crumpling my nosegay.

For your information, sergeant.

This happens to be the new home office

of Red Man Enterprises, Incorporated.

Us Injuns gottum stick together.

Why don't you go stand outside some cigar store.

Come on, chief, you and me is gonna pow a little wow.

Watch him, brother. He is tricky in the clinches.

Chief.

Listen, you didn't tell that crook

about our business deals, did you?

Oh, no. Wild Eagle ashamed.

Him fine man.

Got connections all over.

Even sell Hewkawi lot

with view of happy hunting grounds.

That figures.

Over at Fort Courage

he was selling lots in Yellowstone Park.

What's wrong with that?

Better Hekawi live in park than in swamp like Seminole.

But it's not his property.

It belongs to the United States government.

Oh, they get receipt from Patsos?

That's another thing:

there ain't no Patsos.

What Running Bull?

Chopped buffalo liver?

All right, Clyde.

You got one more chance.

Now, you take Junior there and pull freight for the tules,

or I'll turn you over to the captain.

He knows all about you.

Oh, goody.

Then all we have to do is tell him about you.

Oh, really?

O'Rourke, you stop.

Hang on to him, Wild Eagle.

Don't forget: red blood thicker than white blood.

I'll take care of him, sarge.

Let go of me, you Patso pipsqueak.

Let go, unless you don't want a 122-year-old fat lip.

Th-that's very pretty, Dobbs,

but nobody showed up.

They won't answer anything but a bugle.

Maybe if I mashed on the bag a little harder.

Wilton!

Yeah, what's the matter, Janey?

It's Agarn and O'Rourke.

They been captured by the Hekawis.

I seen 'em. And that there professor too.

Why, that's a violation of our temporary peace treaty.

This means war.

Dobbs, sound the call to arms.

Yes, sir.

On the bugle.

Yeah, sir.

Hurry up, men.

Mount up, mount up!

We have to go save Corporal Agarn

and Sergeant O'Rourke

from those bloodthirsty Hekawis.

They're all asleep, sir.

Every last bloodthirsty one of 'em.

Good, good.

We'll surround the camp

and take them by surprise.

Now, spread out,

and when we complete the circle,

we'll have the signal for the attack.

Uh... Someone will make a noise like an owl.

Who?

That's very good, Dobbs.

Thank you for volunteering.

Now, move out, men, move out.

Good luck, and be on your guard

for anything that moves.

Dobbs, I ain't ready yet.

Me neither. I didn't give a hoot.

Charge!

Charge, men. Charge the tepee.

Vanderbilt, come here.

Take your glasses off.

How can you run into a tent, you numbskull!

Hey, what's going on around here.

Used to be nice neighborhood before paleface move in.

You're under arrest, you and your whole tribe.

Why? Because Hekawi asleep during attack?

No, because you broke our peace treaty.

You can thank Wrangler Jane for your rescue.

She told us you were being held captive.

Cap... Oh!

Well, we certainly were that, sir,

but everything's all right now.

Ain't it, Agarn?

Hm? Oh, yeah, yeah.

We signed another peace treaty before we turned in.

Well, anyway,

I'm glad we're all friends again.

Ow!

Wh-where did they put the professor?

The professor?

Janey said that she saw him here.

He must be around someplace.

Oh, that professor.

Oh, yeah, captain, let's... Let's go back to the fort,

and I'll, uh... I'll tell you all about it.

Greetings.

Greetings, oh, brothers.

Who he?

Thunderbird, Chief of all Tamarisks.

Bidum welcome to valiant Scourge of West.

Oh, likewise, I'm sure.

You lookum for professor?

You come-um too late.

You mean he's gone?

Tonight, I catch him.

We have big fight.

Ha! Hee-yah!

But him smart.

Him wiggle free.

Headum west.

You no find him again.

Oh, he gotum away.

Uh, yes, but the, uh...

The chief forgot to tell you the good news.

Didn't you, chief?

Tell him.

Uh, tell him what?

He, uh... He got back all the money.

Watchum, friend.

There you are, captain.

The good chief got back every cent.

Why, that's wonderful.

Thank you, chief.

Men, let's have three cheers for Chief Thunderbird.

Honest Injun.

Let's here it.

Hip, hip, hooray.

- Hip, hip, Hooray. - Hip, hip.

Hooray.

Chief, what are you doing?

Nobody asked you to dance.

Who dance?

Moccasin too tight.

Foot fall asleep again.

Oh, no.

How you like that?

Wild Eagle first Injun ever do snow dance.

I never could understand why

that con artist let you snatch the money.

Oh, what could he do?

If he squawked, the captain would have known

he was the professor and tossed him in the guardhouse.

He couldn't afford that.

He said he had important business up north.

Well, that make sense?

I don't know how, but... Gold!

Big gold strike in Cheyenne.

This darn bugle's gonna get me killed yet.

When ya gonna stop getting people all head up

about these fake gold strikes. This ain't no fake, sergeant.

It was discovered by Thunderbird,

and you yourself said he's an honest Injun.

He's sellin' land to everybody.

Gol... Oh.

Well... here's looking at ya.

Cheers.