Original subtitles

♪ The end of the Civil War Was near ♪

♪ When quite accidentally ♪

♪ A hero who sneezed Abruptly seized ♪

♪ Retreat And reversed it to victory ♪

♪ His Medal of Honor Pleased and thrilled ♪

♪ His proud little Family group ♪

♪ While pinning it on Some blood was spilled ♪

♪ And so it was planned He'd command ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

♪ Where Indian fights Are colorful sights ♪

♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪

♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪

♪ Both turn chicken ♪

♪ When drilling and fighting Get them down ♪

♪ They know their morale Can't droop ♪

♪ As long as they all Relax in town ♪

♪ Before they resume With a bang and a boom ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

Men.

Men...

it is with a heavy heart that I leave you,

fine, fearless fighting men of F Troop.

However, I promise that after a week of briefing

at the inspector general's office,

I... shall return.

Here, here.

Sergeant O'Rourke, I'll leave Fort Courage in your hands.

Captain.

All right, men,

now let's hear it for the captain.

Hip-hip. ALL: Hurrah!

Hip-hip.

Hurrah!

Hip-hip.

Hooray!

"Dear sweet soldier boy,

"It's been much too long since I've seen you.

"And now that I've finished work here in New Orleans,

"I've decided to come to Fort Courage.

"And don't tell me not to.

"I've been around enough soldiers

"to know how to handle them.

"And when you love someone as much as I love you,

"you'll travel to the ends of the earth

"to hold your baby in your arms again.

"I'm sending you a clipping about the testimony

that they gave your old mother for her 30 years' service."

Dobbs, what's the matter? Has the cat got your tongue?

Chow is 10 minutes late.

And Cookie's stew is getting hard.

Now come on, blow "Mess Call."

Whoops, forgot my bugle.

Hm.

Uh, "Mess Call."

Is that the one that goes, ♪ Da-da-da ♪

♪ Da-da-da-da ♪

♪ Tah-tee-ya-ta-tah-tah ♪

♪ Tah-tee-ya-ta-tah ♪

"Dear sweet soldier boy,

"It's been much too long since I've seen you.

"And now that I've finished work here in New Orleans,

"I've decided to come to Fort Courage.

"And don't tell me not to.

"I've been around enough soldiers

"to know how to handle them.

"And when you love someone as much as I love you,

"you'll travel to the ends of the earth

to hold your baby in your arms again."

Hey, sarge, you coming?

Nice of you to invite me to your table, sergeant.

Ain't I eating

in a prescribed military manner?

Oh. He'll forgive you.

Eating just beautiful. It's...

Now listen, Dobbs,

it's just that I... I gotta figure out some way

to confess to you.

You see, I... Well, I was over to barracks,

and I saw this...

piece of paper on your bunk...

Well, I thought at first it was the troop roster.

By the time I realized it wasn't, I'd...

I'd read the whole first page.

You read my letter?

Yeah, I'm afraid that's right.

I sure hope you can forgive me, Dobbs.

Golly, yes, sarge.

Just don't tell the other fellas,

because they'll tease me about her.

She's always writing those mushy things.

She, uh... She must sure be a loving person, huh?

I guess you'd be right glad to see her again.

Yeah.

But all that hugging and kissing

sure embarrasses a fella.

Yeah, well, don't knock it, soldier boy.

I don't know what I'm gonna do, sarge.

I think it's crazy for her to come. Uh...

What's crazy about it?

What will the other fellas think?

They'll just think you're the luckiest son of a gun

in the world, that's all.

I mean, it's been a long time

since any of us saw a real, genuine Southern belle.

Yeah, I guess she would make the old fort

seem kind of homey.

Yeah, that's the spirit, boy.

Mm. Uh, tell me something, d...

Didn't she say something in there about retiring?

Yeah, and I'm glad.

My sweet mama sure could use a rest.

Huh. Ha. Tell me something.

If an emergency came up, something,

you suppose that just one more time,

she'd perform for the army?

Sure she'd do her bit.

She's been taking care of soldiers all her life.

Really?

Say you, uh... You sure must be in love, son.

Hm.

You haven't hardly touched your food.

Agarn!

Sarge! When you yell like that,

you raise the hackles on my scalps.

I want you to stop the scalp production,

get every able-bodied Hekawi

over to the whiskey bottling plant.

But sarge, the Fourth of July ain't until...

July.

This is more important than the Fourth.

You'll never guess who's gonna honor us with a visit.

Laura Lee.

Laure Lee, the... soprano?

Yeah, the "Songbird of the South."

What would a nice girl like that

be doing in a crummy place like this?

Well, she's visiting with her fiancé,

who happens to be a member of F Troop.

Congratulations, sarge. I could cry.

Not me.

Private Dobbs.

Private Dobbs. D...

Wait a minute. Wait a minute!

I happened to read a letter that she wrote him,

by accident... Oh, come on.

If you were a girl like that, would you fall in love

with a guy like that?

Well... Well, ours not to reason why,

ours is to take advantage of this situation.

Now, can you imagine the final farewell appearance

of Laura Lee?

The booze and the tickets...

Hold it, sarge! How you gonna keep

a project like that from Captain Parmenter?

Well, he can't complain

if all the proceeds go to the Enlisted Men's Fund.

What Enlisted Men's Fund?

Well, yours and mine.

Now, listen,

I want you to get over to the Hekawi camp,

take all the painters off the souvenir tepees,

and have them dream up about 12 posters

just like that, huh?

Still don't know what a woman like that

sees in a kid like Dobbs.

Sergeant, here comes the captain

and the inspector general.

Whoa. Troop!

Ten-hut!

F Troop all present and accounted for, sir.

At ease, men.

What is that?

What are you doing, corporal?!

Speak up!

Begging the captain's pardon, sir,

but the corporal can't speak up, he has a mouthful of nails.

Oh. Well, as you were, corporal.

Carry on with your duty.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Help. Help!

Don't move a muscle, man.

You're tearing the little lady.

Sergeant! She's coming here?

Yes, sir.

I've always been very partial to Miss Lee, captain.

I may just stay through Saturday to attend the concert.

Splendid creature.

Extraordinary cadenzas.

Begging the captain's pardon, sir.

Yes?

Help.

"And so, dear general, if the fortunes of war permit,

"we would be honored to have you as our honor guest

"at Miss Lee's final farewell performance.

"Looking forward to the pleasure of your company,

I remain obediently yours, Captain Wilton Parmenter."

Since it's your post, I feel that the invitation

should go out over your signature.

Oh, well, uh, that's very generous, sir.

No. Just protocol.

And with your permission,

I should like to have similar invitations

sent to Generals Smith and Sherman.

Oh. Well, permission granted, sir.

And may I say, sir, that, well,

any commanding officer of yours is a commanding officer of mine.

Come in.

Private Dobbs, reporting as ordered, sir.

Oh. At ease.

No, no. I mean, really at ease.

Sit down.

Hannibal, boy, I'd like to

ask you a little favor.

Jeepers, sir. The way I've been treated lately,

it can be a big old favor.

Oh, good. Good.

Well, when a certain lady arrives here to see you, I...

I know that it's only right

that you spend a little time with her alone.

Thank you, sir.

We do have a lot of catching up to do.

Ah. Well, do you think she might

grace the officers' table,

a-at least for dinner?

I don't see why not.

It's mighty polite of you to ask, sir.

Say, captain... ain't she something?

I'm gonna buy two seats for the performance.

Mm, I don't understand. Wh... Why should you of all people

have to buy seats?

And why two seats?

One for me, one for my mama. That's two, ain't it?

Yes, o-one for you, one for your...

Mama's coming here?

Well, didn't you just a minute ago

ask for her to sit with you at the officers' table?

Oh, no. No, no, Dobbs.

I asked your permission to have Miss Laura Lee

sit at our table.

Well, why would you ask for my permission?

Well, because it's only proper.

As a matter of fact,

if... if things develop as I think they might,

I'd like to make it a real military wedding.

Arches of crossed sabers.

Oh, gosh. I... I always choke up

at arches of crossed sabers.

Oh. I put... I put... What do you mean,

why should I ask your permission? It's...

Laura Lee is your fiancée... isn't she?

Golly Ned, captain. I don't know her from Adam.

Dobbs...

are you absolutely sure you never met Laura Lee?

Yes, sir.

Well, then you can...

You can just get out of the habit

of calling me sir, Dobbs.

Because when those three generals arrive here

and discover that Miss Lee is not coming...

it'll be my final farewell appearance...

as an officer.

It's all my fault.

Maybe there's some way out for you, sir.

In Caesar's day, a disgraced officer

used to fall forward on his own sword.

I wonder if a thing like that hurts.

It's all my fault, sir.

Let me do it.

Nonsense, Dobbs. You're not an officer.

You're a bugler.

You know how long it takes to kill yourself

by falling on a bugle?

But it's all my fault.

Stop saying it's all your fault.

It isn't all your fault.

Come in.

Oh, uh, permission to ask the captain's advice, sir.

Oh, granted. Grant...

Sit down, sergeant. Oh, thank you, sir.

It's about these tickets.

I was thinking, perhaps we ought to overprint them

with dress circles, so that none of the brass

would feel discriminated against.

The tickets? Yes, for the opera house, sir.

We couldn't possibly get everyone who wants to come

into the rec hall. No.

Uh, opera house?

Well, the saloon, sir.

Here's, uh... Here's our seating plan.

Now, we're gonna build a nice big box

right up close to the stage, for the generals.

Carl Stooky, the undertaker, is taking care of that for us.

An undertaker? Yes.

You don't know how appropriate that is, sergeant.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Now, as to refreshments...

I thought we'd have Hekawi punch for the enlisted men

and pink champagne for the officers,

to be drunk out of Laura Lee's dainty little slipper...

Well, in case her slipper got soggy,

I ordered a couple of dozen extra dainty little slippers

to be given away later as souvenirs.

With a small handling charge.

Uh, one... One moment, sergeant.

Just one moment.

Uh, all these arrangements... The tickets, the boxes,

souvenirs, slippers, refreshments

where's the money coming from?

Well, the night will be self-liquidating, sir.

All the money will come out of the Enlisted Men's Fund.

What Enlisted Men's Fund?

Well, the one that starts

with Laura Lee's final farewell appearance on Saturday night.

Uh... Sergeant...

look, now, sometimes a star like Miss Lee

is at the mercy of her own popularity.

Why... Why she might...

She might suddenly be called to the White House.

Yes, by the President.

And have to cancel her appearance at Fort Courage.

You understand that?

You don't have to worry about a thing, sir.

She's on her way to join her little fiancé

at this very minute.

There it is in the Kansas City Dispatch, sir.

Saturday night at the Music Hall.

The absolute final farewell appearance of Miss Laura Lee.

Thank you. Thank you, sir.

Ha. Boy, you lucky dog.

Ha!

♪ Laura Lee Laura Lee ♪

♪ Queen of our dreams ♪

Queen of, um... That's it.

That's it, Dobbs. That's it!

A command performance for the Queen!

You think Sergeant O'Rourke sings that good, sir.

Yes. No, no, no.

Not Sergeant O'Rourke. Your fiancée.

Now look, Dobbs. Look.

Just suppose you received a special delivery letter

saying that she couldn't come to you, see,

because she been called suddenly out of town.

To, uh... To England.

To London, England, to appear before the crown heads.

And she begged you to understand.

Why, you could understand that she couldn't...

She couldn't turn down a royal invitation, right?

Yes, sir.

Of course, I'm disappointed,

but... if all them crowned heads want her...

all right, she can go.

I understand.

Good boy. Good boy!

Oh, boy. And when this...

perfumed letter returns tomorrow

on the Kansas City mail stage...

our troubles will be over.

Ha.

♪ Then you'll be left alone So baby, meet me ♪

♪ And tell me I'm your own ♪

Boy, wow, you sure have a gorgeous voice there, boy.

Well, thank you. Who are you?

Uh, Mimms. Uh, two M's.

Eh... Uh, uh, Abijah Mimms, ma'am.

Thank you, Mr. Mimms.

What are you?

A-are you the mayor or a songwriter?

No, ma'am.

I'm the postmistress... Master, here in KC.

Oh.

And you want an autograph. Right.

Uh, wrong. Uh...

Two cents, that's all I want.

Just... Just 2 cents.

Mr. Mimms, I don't understand.

This letter is special delivered,

Private Hannibal Dobbs,

F Troop, Fort Courage.

And, uh... it's perfumed.

So?

So there's only a 3-cent stamp on it.

Maybe you forgot, ma'am, but, uh, special delivery's

been raised to a nickel.

It was me, I'd just say, "Hang it."

But Uncle Sam, he's...

He's fierce on regulations.

So I just come over here myself to, uh, say

if you don't have the 2 cents on you,

I'd be glad to wait in your dressing room.

Uh, sure wouldn't want you to disappoint the soldiers.

Oh, Mr. Mimms, if this letter

says it's from me... isn't that forgery?

No, ma'am.

Only insufficient postage.

Oh.

Duffy. Yo.

Duddleson? Yo.

Dobbs. Anything for Dobbs?

Agarn. Yo!

Private Hannibal Shirley Dobbs.

Captain Wilton Parmenter.

Captain Wilton Parmenter.

And a special delivery...

Thank you kindly, wrangler. Thank you.

For Captain Wilton Parmenter.

That's it, boys.

Oh, no.

No, no. Wait a minute. Wait a minute, Jane.

Where's this man's letter? Look in your pouch.

It was supposed to be mailed

from Kansas City yesterday.

But could it be mixed up with your mail, sir? Yeah.

No.

Hey! Will that be the stage? Could be.

I wonder if she'll be wearing them big tights.

Yeah, that's the KC stage, all right.

Hey, Agarn. Hurry up with those flowers!

Generals Sheridan, Sherman and Smith.

Maybe they're not coming?

Oh, they're coming. They're coming.

Forced march.

Estimated time of arrival, 8:00 tonight.

Pucker up, Dobbs.

Blow "Assembly" call.

How will that help, sir?

Uh, well... the masquerade is over.

I'm going to have to tell the troop

that... the show won't go on.

That Miss Laura Lee will not appear

for her final farewell appearance at Fort Courage.

Well, blow, Dobbs, blow.

Captain, sir!

You looking for troop, they's yonder.

To the stage depot. Every man-jack.

The stage depot? What are they doing over there?

What I'd be doing if I weren't on guard duty,

waiting for Laura Lee's coach.

Oh, but Miss Lee won't be here.

No, sir.

Not for another five minutes, at least.

Ho!

Ten-hut!

At ease, men. Act... Private Dobbs.

Let's hear it for the future Mr. Laura Lee!

Hip-hip.

Hooray!

Hip-hip.

Hooray!

Hip-hip.

Hooray!

Now listen y'all.

I-I appreciate y'all coming down here.

That was a fine speech, Dobbs.

Now, don't hide the flowers.

We want her to be able to see them.

Sergeant, let the private confess.

Yeah.

Friends, buddies... That coach, yonder,

is gonna be pulling in here any minute.

And, uh...

when it pulls in here in a minute,

a-a little lady is going to step out.

A little lady I love very much.

All right, Dobbs. Quit rubbing it in.

We know, we know!

But you don't know, uh...

That little lady is a mite older

than you expect her to be.

It don't bother you, it don't bother us!

A-and she ain't nearly as pretty and curvy

as you expect her to be.

Hey, Dobbs, that's... That's a terrible thing to say.

Hey, here she comes now, fellas.

Through the mask. Through the mask.

♪ In the stillness Of the spring ♪

Now listen to Dobbs!

No. No, no, listen to him.

♪ There's a song The bluebird sings ♪

That little old lady...

is my mother. Tell them. Tell them.

You hear. My mother. Now, now, listen.

And I wouldn't trade one wrinkle

on her weather-beaten face... No more singing.

For all the curves of Laura Lee's bust.

Private Dobbs has something to s...

Now listen to him, will you, please?

Stop that humming.

Men?

♪ Brings promises of love ♪

♪ Laura Lee Laura Lee ♪

♪ Made of golden hair ♪

♪ Tell me You will always be ♪

♪ Mine for e'er and e'er ♪

All right, here she is now.

The only lady I ever loved.

Welcome to Fort Courage.

Wow.

Hannibal, darling, it's been so long.

Hup! Hey.

Tell the truth, I didn't know my soldier boy

was such a popular person.

♪ Hello, my baby Hello, my honey ♪

♪ Hello, my soldier boy ♪

♪ You are my one desire ♪

♪ Baby, my heart's on fire ♪

♪ If you refuse me ♪

♪ Honey, you'll lose me ♪

She sure is a pretty lady, ain't she, Mama?

When she loses some of that baby fat.

♪ I'm your own ♪

If you like a person like that,

knowing what theatrical persons are,

it's all right with me.

And poor, skinny little Blanche DuBois,

who's been waiting faithfully for you

since the eighth grade, will just have to understand.

If it doesn't destroy you.

♪ Hello, my baby, Hello, my honey ♪

♪ Hello, my soldier boy ♪

♪ You are my one desire ♪

♪ Baby, my heart's On fire ♪

Four more pink champagne for the brass.

Ha, ha, ha.

How are we enlisted men making out?

Well, I haven't have time to count it all yet,

but offhand I'd say we just about break even.

Ahem. By about, uh, 3 or 400 percent.

Splendid, sergeant. Splendid.

Why, I'll bet there's enough here

for every enlisted man in F Troop

to buy a set of athletic dumbbells.

Wouldn't you say so?

Uh, dumbbells at the very least, sir.

♪ And tell me I'm your own ♪

Oh, I'm sorry about your observation tower.

Oh, my pleasure. My pleasure.

And I'm sorry about your, uh,

broken engagement with Private Dobbs.

Well, mothers will be mothers. Yeah.

I certainly wanna thank you

for all you've done for the men,

and for Dobbs and me.

But if you'll pardon a personal question, ma'am,

why did you do it?

Well, captain, as soon as I read the letter,

I knew someone's neck was out,

so I came here to save it.

Yeah.

Thank you.

And where are you off to now, ma'am?

Another final farewell appearance

at Fort Ticonderoga.

I have a fiancé there.

Captain Gerald Fitzroy.

Or is that Corporal Roy Fitzgerald?

Well, no matter.

I just like to be needed.

I'm what you call, "a ham."

Oh. No, ma'am.

No. You're what I'd call a... A trouper.

Ho! Giddap!

Giddap!