Original subtitles

♪ The end of the Civil War Was near ♪

♪ When quite accidentally ♪

♪ A hero who sneezed ♪

♪ Abruptly seized ♪

♪ Retreat and reversed it To victory ♪

♪ His Medal of Honor ♪

♪ Pleased and thrilled ♪

♪ His proud little Family group ♪

♪ While pinning it on Some blood was spilled ♪

♪ And so it was planned ♪

♪ He'd command ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

♪ Where Indian fights ♪

♪ Are colorful sights ♪

♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪

♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪

♪ Both turn chicken ♪

♪ When drilling and fighting Get them down ♪

♪ They know their morale Can't droop ♪

♪ As long as they all Relax in town ♪

♪ Before they resume With a bang and a boom ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

Men, as your commander,

I've been going over your service records

to familiarize myself with your background.

Private Hoffenmueller.

I noticed that you speak Apache,

Sioux, Cherokee and Hekawi.

Now, we can use you as an interpreter,

just as soon as you learn to speak English.

Jawohl, mein capitan.

Trooper Duffy, I noticed something interesting

in your service record. What's that?

You were killed in action.

I was?

Oh, sir, I'll look into the men's records

and bring 'em up-to-date immediately.

Good. Oh, I also noticed something interesting

in Corporal Agarn's record.

What's that, sir?

Your enlistment is up next week.

Really?

Yes. I thought you might sign up now,

so I brought along the reenlistment papers.

D-don't... Don't sign. Don't sign. What?

Here are the papers.

Attention!

With the captain's permission, sir, I will now give the men

their weekly exercise.

Which they'll get for the first time.

Carry on, sergeant.

I'll be in my office

when you wanna turn in the papers, corporal.

All right, men, get ready your pieces.

Saddle up! Back in the line.

Running in place.

Ho!

If I don't sign those papers, I'll be outta the Army.

That's the point.

You want me to be a civilian?

Go back to my old job,

bone testing in a lady's corset factory?

No, sparrow brain.

You're gonna be the outside man for O'Rourke Enterprises.

But we are doing all right with both of us in the Army.

We do better with one man

in town all the time.

Oh, sarge...

I'm willing to make you vice president.

Vice president? Sure!

It's not every corporal who gets promoted to vice president.

Troop, halt.

All right, now we'll do some sit-ups. On your backs.

Hey, not you.

Ready. Ho!

Up, down. Up, down.

Sarge, I don't know if I wanna leave the Army.

Now, listen. You'll be living the good life.

All you've got to do was go over to the Hekawi Camp,

make sure they're getting those souvenirs out on time.

Go by the saloon, empty the cash drawer every night.

But I've... And... interview the dance-hall girls.

Dance-hall girls?

Yeah, I'm thinking of putting in a line of girls.

If you're a civilian, you go can over to Dodge City

and pick the girls out.

"Rubbing alcohol, malt barley"?

Oh, that must be for the horses.

Uh, "More copper tubing, 30 wooden barrels."

This Sergeant O'Rourke

certainly orders a lot of different supplies.

Yes, sir.

But 11 barrels of yeast?

I think the sarge said that was for the mess hall.

Huh. Well, I guess the hardtack could be fluffier.

Come in.

Corporal Agarn reporting as ordered, sir.

At ease, corporal. Oh!

Are you all right, sir?

Yes, yes. I'm fine. I'm fine.

Uh, you may go, Dobbs.

Yes, sir, captain.

Oh.

Now, corporal, the, uh... The reason I asked you here

was to see if you'd... You'd given any more thought to, uh,

your re... Are you all right, sir?

Yeah, yes. I'm fine, I'm fine.

Now, now... Now, where was I?

Oh, yes, yes, the reenlistment papers.

Uh, now, the pouch is going to headquarters this afternoon,

and I-I know they'd be most please to learn

that one of our most dependable troopers

was signing up for another hitch.

Corporal Agarn, you are signing up for another hitch?

I can't believe it. You, leaving the troop?

Afraid so, sir.

Oh, but, corporal, you'd never be happy out of the service.

You're just like me, we're both fighting men.

Are you all right, captain?

Mmm. I'm fine.

Now, where...? Where were we?

Well, you were saying that we're both fighting men.

Yes, yes. D-did you...? Did you know that my great-grandfather,

Hannibal Parmenter, was a major in Washington's Army?

He was, sir?

Yes. He was at Valley Forge, in charge of business.

Say, then he must have known my great-grandfather.

He was a deserter.

Even though your family doesn't have

the glorious Army tradition the Parmenters have,

you're still cavalry.

Sir, I... I think it's best that I leave the service.

Oh, but think a moment, Agarn.

No more comrades in arms, one for all and all for one.

No more thrill to the pounding hooves.

And then, the cry of "Charge!"

And then... And then... Then lying unto the stars at night

next to the campfire, listening to the bugler.

Please don't, sir.

Give me the papers, I'll sign.

I knew you wouldn't leave us, Agarn.

Begging the captain's pardon, sir.

I've changed my mind.

But you're gonna sign the papers!

Let him go, sir.

B-but he was about to reenlist,

and he suddenly changed his mind.

I don't believe it myself, I've...

I was up with him all night, sir.

I thought I had him convinced.

Oh, I think he's a very confused man.

We've got to keep him in the troop.

He's my buddy.

Oh, I know how much this must mean to you, sergeant.

I'll go have another talk with him.

No, I-I-I wouldn't do that, sir.

I think I'd give him a week's leave.

But his enlistment is up in a week.

Ah, but a week away from the troop.

He'll miss getting up at 6:00 for "Reveille."

Yes.

And he'll miss the Sunday dinners

of chipped beef and hardtack.

Yes.

And of course, he'll miss the old man.

What old man?

You, sir.

Oh! Oh, yes, of course, I'm the old man.

A week's leave for Agarn,

and I guarantee you, sir...

He'll reenlist like that.

I think you're right, sergeant.

I'll make out the furlough papers right way.

I'll go tell him, sir.

If I hadn't walked in there, you would have reenlisted.

Oh, I'm sorry, sarge, but when he started with that:

Enough, enough of that. Now, listen!

I got Captain Parmenter to give you a week's leave.

For what?

To clear up your confused mind.

All you gotta do is walk to the Hekawi camp

and make sure that those Indians step up our souvenir production.

Well, if it's all the same to you, sarge,

I'd rather go to Dodge City

and step up our dance-hall girl production.

Agarn!

Right, sarge. Up to the Hekawis.

Mmm.

Captain? Oh, Sergeant O'Rourke,

have you talked to Corporal Agarn, yet?

Well, as a matter of fact,

he said he was gonna spend a few days

over at Dodge City. I'm on my way over there now.

Oh, good, good.

I have his enlistment papers right here, sir.

Do you think you can get him to sign?

Why, of course I can.

Why, when I tell him what it means to the old man.

Wh-what old man? Why, you, sir.

Oh, yeah.

Of course, I keep forgetting I'm the old man.

You drink this down, chief, soon you feel much better.

Why we have medicine man with medicine?

You supposed to dance.

Chief, I've not cured patient by dancing in 25 years.

First thing that goes in medicine man... is legs.

What is in bowl?

Juice of gooseberries.

Fermented sap of oak tree, six raw turtle eggs,

ground-up tooth of beaver.

Good roughage.

Hi, Roaring Chicken. Hi, chief.

Hello, sarge.

What's the matter? Don't you feel good?

Chief very sick man.

Well, then, don't just sit there, dance.

Chief not suffering from disease.

Case of exhaustion, him under terrible strain.

Like old Indian saying,

"Cannot make fur coat from feather of goose."

What does that mean? Who knows,

show you what strain I under.

Is the old squaw in the tepee giving you a hard time?

Not old squaw. Young brave.

Well, which one?

All right, you men, put your backs into it.

How long does it take to make a canoe?

And you, get off your sitting bull

and get more feathers for the bonnets.

Come on, girls. Come on,

you didn't meet your quota yesterday.

Flying fingers, flying fingers.

Keep an eye on 'em, Tondaleo.

See what I mean, sergeant?

We not have one minute peace since he come live with us.

He's gone Indian.

Paleface!

Long time no see.

Well, you certainly seem to be enjoying yourself.

This is the only life.

And to think I was gonna reenlist in the Army.

Look alive over there!

Take it easy, Agarn.

Pushin' 'em a little too hard looks to me like.

Are you kidding? They love me. They think I'm a God.

Chief has nothing but complaints, Leaping Lizard.

Leaping Lizard? My friends call me Liz.

Hekawis not used to such hard work.

Listen, chief, you gotta meet your quota.

I got him working on items for the Christmas rush.

Wait until you hear what we come up with.

Santa Claus with a tomahawk.

Agarn, our orders are in good shape right now.

I think you ought to ease off of them a little bit.

Oh, no. And by the way, we want a new deal.

New deal?

No more fifty-fifty.

From now on, you get 25 percent and my people get 75 percent.

Seventy-five percent?

They're a reasonable bunch of Indians.

Seventy-five percent?

That's the way it goes, sarge.

And now, if you'll excuse me, I'll join the other braves.

You're not gonna get away with this, Wild Eagle.

We made a deal, fifty-fifty.

Sergeant, Chief not asking for bigger percentage.

That's idea of Leaping Liz.

I tell you now, sergeant, if you not get that Indian

back into Army, whole deal is off.

Yeah, well, don't worry.

I've brought his reenlistment papers with me.

Here we go. Ha!

One, two, three, four!

I need rain, rain.

Draw.

Almost had you that time.

Wanna make it two out of three?

You're gettin' a lot faster, Wilton.

Oh, I've been practicing.

Oh, excuse me, sir. I didn't, uh...

No, no. That's all right, sergeant. Come on.

Oh.

How are you, Sergeant O'Rourke?

I'm terrible, thank you.

Oh, what's the matter?

It's Corporal Agarn, sir.

Oh, did you talk to him in Dodge City?

He's not in Dodge, captain. He is living with the Hekawis.

The Hekawis?

Yes. He's turned Injun.

Are you sure?

Well, the last time I saw him, he was doing a... A rain dance.

A rain dance?

There isn't a cloud in the sky.

I know.

Just a little shower.

Captain, this could be serious.

A man in confused state of mind could go renegade.

Oh, I don't think Agarn would ever do that.

Listen, Wrangler, you get a man to chewin' on birchbark

there ain't no telling what he might do.

I think the sergeant's right.

You bet I'm right. With him up there stirring them up,

why those Hekawis could become hostile Injuns just like that.

Do you really think the Hekawis

would attack the Fort?

Well, I'd say there's a fifty-fifty chance.

More like a... 75-25.

Can you think of anything we should do, sergeant?

Sir, I think we should send a detail up there

and arrest him for treason.

That's a good idea.

We'll court martial him, sir, and give him his choice:

the firing squad or reenlistment.

You get a four-man squad together,

and I'll lead them up to the Hekawi camp.

Never mind, captain, we'll...

We'll clean it up later.

Wait a minute, if you go up to the Hekawi Camp

and grab a gun, your liable to really struck trouble.

But the man's a renegade.

I think there's a much easier way.

What's that?

Before the Indians take you into a tribe,

they always give an initiation.

That's right, sir.

Knowing Agarn, I really don't think he's gonna be

a blood brother.

Initiation?

What is initiation?

Well, you know, a ceremony like when somebody

wants to get into your tribe.

That crazy friend of yours

first man who want to get into tribe.

Everybody try to get out.

Well, now, you must have some kind of a test of bravery

that you give your young men.

Used to have, but nobody passed tests,

so have to drop it.

Sergeant knows Hekawi is proud descendants

of long line of cowards.

So we gotta figure some way to get Agarn back into the Army.

I have way.

Oh, what's that?

Tonight, when he sleep, whole tribe sneak off to Mexico.

Bull's-eye!

Agarn, what are you doing?

I think I'm ready, Chief.

When do we go hunting?

Never. But I handle a bow and arrow

better than any brave you've got.

No, no. What the Chief means is that you can't go hunting

until you've been, um, formally initiated into the tribe.

Right, chief?

Right.

Right. After initiation,

you full blood brother, if you live.

If I live?

Now, don't be frightened, Agarn. There's nothing to it.

All you gotta do is, uh, roll off a 500 foot cliff

into the river and catch a fish in your bare hands.

Then paddle canoe up 50 mile rapids, pick up water snake.

Also, you will kill buffalo

with bare hands and bring back buffalo head.

Now, let me get this straight. A fish, a snake.

Chief, instead of killing one buffalo,

how about a couple of goats?

Not like goats.

Wild Eagle, you're just trying to make it

too tough on my buddy.

Agarn, I won't let 'em do this to you.

You don't know the Indian mind, sarge.

You're not one of us.

When do we start, my chief?

Let us start now.

You'll walk over hot coals.

Hold my bow.

Scrappy little devil.

I think I'll change into some fresh feathers.

I don't believe this.

Well, chief, now am I in the tribe?

Mmm. You very brave brave.

Roaring Chicken. Chief?

Make Leaping Lizard blood brother.

Give me thumb of your right hand, Liz.

We now mix your blood with blood of Chief.

Ah!

Plan not work, sergeant.

You better find other way to get him back into Army.

Well, he's gotta sign the papers himself.

Have idea.

Why not let him be Indian, and we all enlist in Army?

What? Wake up 6:00 at morning,

march round, eat bad chow?

Well, now, wait a minute, chief.

Roaring Chicken just might have an idea here.

We can't get Agarn back in the Army,

we'll bring the Army back to Agarn.

Draw.

Uh, you wanna make it 42 out of 43?

You just let me win to make me feel good.

You're so much stronger than I am

with those bulgy muscles.

Feel how weak I am.

Oh, excuse me, Captain Parmenter.

I didn't realize you were that busy.

No, no, we were just feeling each other's muscles.

How did everything go with initiation?

Ah. Well, he went through it better than Geronimo.

Well, that's terrible. His enlistment is up tomorrow.

Oh, he's never gonna come back into the Army now.

Ah, well, we still got a chance

although it calls for desperate measures.

I'll order an attack on the Hekawis.

Well, I'm afraid we can't do that, sir.

You see, I've, uh, well, negotiated a temporary truce.

Oh? Yes, we wouldn't want to go back

on our word, now, would we, sir?

Uh, no, no. We couldn't that.

But there must be something we can do.

Yes, well, there is, sir but it calls for a change of strategy.

I mean, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

You're crazy to do that. Are you crazy?

You'll wake up the whole camp.

That's my new job, Liz.

What are you talking about?

I been made bugler.

Like to hear me blow "Taps"?

Where'd you get this bugle?

From the new brave we have in tribe.

New brave?

Yes. He just check in last night.

Well, you take orders from me.

Not anymore.

Leaping Lizard, meet new brave.

Sergeant O'Rourke, you're out of uniform.

Not sergeant, Grizzly Bear.

Grizzly Bear?

You were right, Agarn, this is the only life.

Morning, Liz. Morning, Griz.

Morning, Roaring Chicken.

Thanks to new brave, we have surprise breakfast.

What's that?

Chipped beef and hardtack.

I brought along a supply.

If we run out, one of us can sneak back to the Fort

and get some more. Look, sarge...

Ah. "Griz."

You're gonna get in a lot of trouble.

You're still in the Army.

If Captain Parmenter hears about this,

he'll have you for desertion.

Oh, no, he won't.

Captain Parmenter.

Oh, no, no, no.

Him our new Chief, Busy Beaver.

We now have Liz, Griz, Biz.

Ah-ah. "Busy Beaver."

Busy Beaver, who's watching the Fort?

I couldn't care less. This is the life.

And we've got you to thank for it, Liz.

Just think, we could have spent

the rest of our lives in the Army.

Roaring Chicken, as my medicine man,

every morning at 0800,

you'll have sick call. Yes, chief.

As soon as chow is over, I'll inspect the tepees.

Right, chief. We don't have no inspections

around here, sir.

We do now.

And if your tepee doesn't pass,

you'll be confined to quarters.

Wrangler Jane, what are you doing in that outfit?

Now she one of us.

Yep, blood sister.

Her name, Misty Morn.

You can call me "Miz," Liz.

Hi, Griz. Hi, Biz.

You can't stay here. This ain't no life for a girl.

Wherever Biz goes, that's where Miz goes.

Well, we can't all stand around all day.

Grizzly, make sure the area is policed.

Right, chief.

Leaping Lizard, start leaping.

Wait a minute. I don't have to take no orders from you,

I'm an Indian. We're all Indians.

Many changes around here, Liz.

Well, not for me. This outfit's for the birds.

I'm turning in my moccasins. And going back where I belong.

To a man's Army.

You really mean it, Agarn?

Absolutely.

Your, uh, reenlistment papers.

Really, sarge. I promise it won't happen again.

All right, all right. Just stay away from the Hekawi camp

for a few days and concentrate on our inventory.

Count on me.

Oh, good morning, gentlemen. Captain.

Nice to have you back, Agarn.

Nice to be back, sir.

I never knew how much you could miss

chipped beef on hardtack, sir.

You're a real trooper, corporal.

Uh, what are you doing with that, sir?

This? Oh, this is a souvenir.

Chief Wild Eagle gave me this.

$1.95, we mail anywhere.

What's that, corporal?

Nothing, sir.

Yeah. You can have a lot of fun

with a bow and arrow, sir.

Oh, really, I've never fired one.

Simple Captain.

Just put the arrow in the bow and you draw back,

and let it fly.

Mmm. Like this?