Original subtitles

♪ The end of the Civil War Was near ♪

♪ When quite accidentally ♪

♪ A hero who sneezed Abruptly seized ♪

♪ Retreat And reversed it to victory ♪

♪ His Medal of Honor Pleased and thrilled ♪

♪ His proud little Family group ♪

♪ While pinning it on Some blood was spilled ♪

♪ And so it was planned He'd command ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

♪ Where Indian fights Are colorful sights ♪

♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪

♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪

♪ Both turn chicken ♪

♪ When drilling and fighting Get them down ♪

♪ They know their morale Can't droop ♪

♪ As long as they all Relax in town ♪

♪ Before they resume With a bang and a boom ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

Wrangler.

Wrangler!

Hi, Wrangler.

Hi, Agarn.

What do you got there?

It's a letter for Captain Parmenter.

I figured it might be important.

Yeah, it might at that.

Hey, you can't read that. It's from Army headquarters.

What do you think I'm wearing, a sailor suit?

Come in.

I have a letter for you, here, Wilton.

Oh, just a minute, Jane.

Go ahead, Dobbs, let's hear it again.

Oh, that was just beautiful, Dobbs. Wasn't it, Janey?

Oh, yes, I always love "My Old Kentucky Home."

But I was playing "Reveille."

No matter what you were playing, Dobbs, we loved it.

You ain't just saying that, are you captain?

Dobbs, if the Confederate Army had had you for a bugler,

we'd all be eating corn pone and hominy grits.

Thank you, sir.

Here's the letter, Wilton.

Oh, thank you, Jane.

You know, Dobbs,

you really are soundin' better with that bugle.

I owe it all to the captain, Jane.

That man never stopped believin' in me.

That's why I'm doing everything I can

to lose weight in my fat upper lip.

By gosh, it does look thinner.

Oh, I don't believe it.

What is it, Wilton?

I've been transferred to Fort Riley.

Oh, no.

They can't take you away from us, sir.

Oh, no, no. It's just temporary duty.

They want me to go to command school

and take a two-week course in, uh,

"new techniques in military strategy."

Wilton, two weeks is a long time.

Fourteen days.

Agarn. Daagh!

Shh!

Never sneak up on me like that again, sarge.

You almost scared me to death.

What are you doin'?

Captain Parmenter got an important letter

from Army headquarters, and I'm trying find out what's in it.

Oh.

Oh, Corporal Agarn, I'm glad you dropped in.

Sorry about that, captain.

My... My horse stop short.

With the captain's permission, I'd like to go practice.

Very well, Dobbs.

Sergeant O'Rourke, I'm glad you're here too.

I've just received a letter from command headquarters

ordering me to report to Fort Riley Command School.

You're being transferred, sir?

Oh, no. It's just for two weeks

to take a new course in a new type of military strategy.

Oh.

Well, I'm certainly glad of that, sir.

Fort Courage would never be the same without the old man.

Hmm.

What old man?

Well, you, sir.

I mean, you are the old man.

Well, I wouldn't be surprised

if you came back from that Army school a major.

Oh, now, Janey,

they certainly wouldn't want to make me a major.

Would they?

If the captain will excuse me, sir, I'll assemble the troops

so that you can make your farewell address.

Wilton.

Hmm. "Major Parmenter."

Hey, that does have a... Have a certain ring to it.

Ooh, Wilton.

Heh-heh.

"Major Wilton Parmenter."

Well, there goes O'Rourke Enterprises

with you nailed to the fort for the next two weeks.

Are you kiddin'? This is the best break we ever had.

How do you figure that, sarge?

With the captain away, I can finally get started

on the best money-making deal

that O'Rourke Enterprises ever had.

What's that?

Mail-order brides.

Mail-order brides?

Oh, sarge.

All right, fall in, on the double!

All right, moved it, Hoffenmueller!

Jawohl, jawohl.

Hurry it up, if it took you any longer,

your enlistments would be up!

Sorry about the bugling, captain.

Oh, you did a very nice job, Dobbs.

It didn't sound a bit like "My Old Kentucky Home."

Well, thank you, sir.

Attention!

All right,

now let's pull in those stomachs and pull back those shoulders.

Look like somebody.

Let's not be to harsh on them, sergeant.

We're gonna miss you, captain.

Now, men, the captain has a few words he wants to say

to you men before he leaves.

Thank you, sergeant.

Men, four score and seven weeks ago,

I was sent here to Fort Courage.

Now, I'm going to be away from this post for a short time.

And I want you all to give Sergeant O'Rourke

the same respect you give me.

I hope I don't get any reports of horseplay and high jinks.

Now, remember... Remember now,

just because the cat's away,

the mice don't have to act like rats.

For a moment there,

I thought they'd lost their sense of humor.

Well, it's very hard to laugh, sir, when...

When you're all choked up.

Now, men, I take my leave of you,

but while I will be training

with the high command at Fort Riley,

my heart will be here.

All right, now let's hear it for the captain! Hip-hip...

Hooray!

Hip-hip... Hooray!

Hip-hip-hooray! Hooray!

Dobbs.

Present! Ho!

Well, don't you worry, captain.

I'm gonna have that gun crew target practicing every minute.

What do you wanna do, sarge, blow up the fort?

He may be right, sergeant.

Now, captain, it's about time this troop

was in a class with its command.

Oh, thank you.

Were gonna miss you, captain.

Charlie, look. I know you're the town drunk

but the saloon has only been open for 10 minutes.

Charlie, you ought to be ashamed of yourself!

Oh, nonsense, we're all very proud of Charlie.

Why, we've got the fastest drunk in the West.

There's you stage, captain.

Wilton, I've packed you some goodies for your trip.

Oh, really, Jane? You shouldn't have.

I packed you some fried chicken, a lemon meringue pie,

and lookie here, some oatmeal cookies.

Very good, Jane!

Agarn, you shouldn't eat that. Those are for, Wilton.

I happen to be the captain's food taster.

Well, uh, we don't wanna be late, sir.

And I don't worry want you to about a thing now.

Everything's gonna be fine at the fort.

Are you gonna miss me, Wilton?

Well, of course, Jane.

Are you gonna miss me too, captain?

Why, certainly, Agarn.

Who are you gonna miss more? Janey or... me?

Bye, Wilton.

Just a handshake will do, captain.

Well, have a good trip, sir.

There we go.

Oh!

It'll be a little snack for the road.

Ah, farewell. Goodbye.

Goodbye, sir.

All right. Take it away. Goodbye, Wilton

Bye, Wilton. Bye, Janey.

Goodbye, Wilton. Bye.

Bye, Wilton. Goodbye.

I'm gonna miss the old man.

Heh. Hey, what old man?

The captain, sarge.

Oh, yeah, that one. Come on, Agarn. Let's go.

Where are you going?

While the cat's away, the rats will play.

Dobbs, you're first. What'll it be?

Blond, brunette, redhead, tall, short, fat, thin.

We aim to please.

Well, I like a gal between 21 and 28.

Twenty-one, 28.

Blond, blue eyes. Uh-huh.

Real good personality and a whale of a figure.

Yeah, fine. We're all out of that model.

What are you talkin' about, Agarn?

I bought the last one. You're wrong.

I thought employees get preference?

I'll have one for you and one for him.

They'll probably be sisters.

Hey, corporal, that'll make us brothers-in-law.

Say.

Say, Dobbs, you know, you're right.

Why don't you and the little lady

come over for dinner one night? We'd love to.

7:30?

Just fine, bye. Bye.

All right Duffy, what'll it be?

I want the same thing Dobbs ordered, sarge,

only I'd like it in red.

Ah, I think you made a good choice.

She'll look good in red. Give him a receipt there.

There we are.

Hoffenmueller.

Sarge, he's orderin' a cow.

No, I think he wants one of those big opera singers.

It's all right. We'll get what you want, Hoffenmueller.

Ha? Fine. Danke shön.

Vanderbilt?

I want a girl named Shirley.

Don't you care what she looks like?

They all looked alike to me, right, Dobbs?

I'm Agarn.

See what I mean, sarge.

Yeah, that's how it goes. Thank you very much.

There we are.

No, no, no, no.

Another satisfied costumer.

Yeah.

Sarge, how are you gonna fill out all these orders?

Agarn, in the matchmaking business,

you solve one problem at a time.

All right, let's bring your money.

Ha-ha. Now, what will it be?

Sarge, you really think four mail-order brides

are gonna get off the stagecoach today?

Will you relax, Agarn?

We got the confirmation wire almost two weeks ago.

Yeah, but can you trust that man in Dodge City?

He's got the biggest mail-order bride business in the territory.

He just happened to be overstocked on blonds.

There it is. There it is.

Back, back!

Shirley?

Troop! Atten-hut!

Sergeant O'Rourke acting commander, F Troop, sir.

At ease, men.

Could you give me a hand please, General Custer?

General Custer?

It's your sword, captain. It's caught under the seat.

Oh, yes. Thank you, sir.

Well, I'll take leave of you now, captain.

My congratulations. Thank you, sir.

I still find it hard to believe that you've completed

the course in military strategy in less than two weeks.

It never would have been possible, sir,

if you hadn't been an inspiration.

That credits belong to you, Parmenter.

I hope to see you again.

Good luck on your new assignment of Little Big Horn.

Thank you, captain.

Driver, you may go.

Come on, boy. Hyah!

Well, it's certainly... Attention!

You speak when spoken to, sergeant.

Wilton! Wilton.

This is military business, Jane.

But I only wanted to say howdy.

Later, Jane.

But I... Out!

Bye, Wilton.

Who are you and what have you done with our Captain Parmenter?

Agarn, one more remark like that,

and I'll have you shot for insubordination.

Sergeant, march the troops back to the fort

and order them to stand inspection at 6:00 tomorrow.

In the morning, captain?

Assign that man to quarters.

But, sir, we had an inspection last month.

Agarn, you're getting closer and closer to that firing squad.

Dobbs, run this man out of town.

But, captain, what are we gonna do for a town drunk?

We're not going to have one.

And I'm ordering the saloon closed too.

Come on, Charlie.

Oh, and, sergeant,

I want you to assign a work detail

to begin construction immediately

of an officer's club.

But, sir, you're the...

You're the only officer we have.

How 'bout that?

They're here! They're here!

Sarge, what about those mail-order brides?

Relax, will you, Agarn?

The way it's goin' with Ironpants, we ain't never...

You don't have to worry about Captain Parmenter.

Don't worry? Last night he ordered lights out,

and it wasn't even dark.

He's coming.

Bugler, sound "Assembly."

Sergeant.

Yes, sir.

Relieve this man of duty.

But, captain, I'm doin'...

And strip him of his bugle.

Corporal, call the men to attention.

Men, I would like to say that I am delighted

to be back at Fort Courage.

That's what I would like to say, but when I look at you,

the words stick in my throat.

You are the worst-looking group of soldiers in the history

of the United States Army.

With the captain's permission...

You're out of uniform.

If you don't get a regulation hat, I'm shipping you

to the Mexican border.

And you, Hoffenmueller.

Jawohl, mein capitan.

If you don't lose 20 pounds, I'm shipping you

back to Düsseldorf.

That goes for all of you.

Either shape up or ship out!

Sergeant, I would like to see if the gun crew

can fire the cannon,

and if they knock down the lookout tower,

I want them all thrown in the guardhouse.

Yes, sir.

Gun crew, fall in.

Does the water tower count?

Until such time as F Troop can pass one of my inspections,

every man is confined to the fort.

Dismiss the troop.

Troop dismissed!

Duffy, get a repair detail on that water tower!

Yes, sir.

Hoffenmueller, Vanderbilt, Come with me.

Agarn, you come with me.

But where are we going, sarge?

We're gonna go have a powwow with Wild Eagle.

But you heard what Ironpants said,

we're confined to the fort.

Yeah, how 'bout that?

You have problem, you come to right man.

Wise old Indian saying,

"You show me squirrel with acorn,

and I show you happy moose."

Chief, why don't you wise up

and cut out those wise old Indians sayings?

Yeah, now look, chief, we need your help.

We want you to attack the fort.

Attack fort? Never! You are friend, O'Rourke.

No, you don't understand.

We've got to teach this Ironpants Parmenter a lesson.

Here.

Take like a peace pipe and forget the whole thing.

No, no, this is a phony attack.

We just want you to ride around the fort and hoop and holler.

We'll shoot over your heads and chase you off.

All right, you want Indian attack,

we give you Indian attack.

Cost you $20.

Twenty dollars?

That ain't no Indian attack, that's highway robbery!

Then go to Apaches. They'd be glad to attack for nothing.

They play too rough.

Fifteen dollars, take it or leave it?

For $15 I could not even get squaws to attack.

Seventeen fifty?

For that price I cannot give you first-class attack.

All you get is six braves on old horses.

No war paint, no yelling and screaming.

What's an Indian attack with no war whoops?

Would you whoop it up for 17.50?

He's got a point there.

All right, we'll take the $20 attack,

but I want a lot braves, a lot of war paint,

yelling, screaming.

Now, if you'd like to go for $25 attack,

five redskins bite dust.

I'll stick with the $20 attack.

O'Rourke. What?

You pay in advance, cash on drum head.

Wild Eagle, after all our business deals together,

you don't trust me?

How 'bout that?

Come in.

What is it, sergeant?

Well, I'm afraid I have some bad news, sir.

Most of the troop had to report for sick call this morning.

Sick call? Ooh.

Perhaps you better report to sick call yourself, sir.

I'm perfectly all right, sergeant.

Well, fine. Well, until the men are ready

to report for duty, I'm afraid we'll have to do

with the token guard, sir.

Token guard? Yes.

Do you realize we could be attacked

by hostile Indians at any moment?

Did you ever stop to think of that?

Yeah, I rarely think of anything else, sir.

Two paces back, sergeant.

Here comes Ol' Ironpants.

You ready, Wrangler?

You can bet a bucket of buzzards, I am.

All right, you all know what to do.

Let's hear some moaning.

You call that moaning? Let's really hear it.

Remember, you're in pain.

Pain.

Malingerers!

We've got some mighty sick boys here, captain.

Jane, what are you doing here?

I'm taking care of these mighty sick boys.

Yeah, they're mighty sick, captain.

You don't even know what's wrong.

They're suffering from a disease called the "Parmentercholic."

You make 'em sick.

Sergeant, arrest this woman.

Well, I can't do that, sir. She's a civilian.

Then draft her, then arrest her.

Captain, wait a minute.

Do you hear what I hear?

All I hear is moaning.

Indians.

Get out of those beds, men, we're being attacked!

Dobbs.

Don't hit me, captain.

Get back to duty, that's an order.

I can't, captain.

My head feels like it's been kicked by a bull with a boil.

You, Duffy, get your rifle!

Oh, my back is killing me.

Hoffenmueller.

Captain, mein magen ist vergrimmt.

Captain, there was a time when these men

would have gotten out of these sick beds

and gone to their grave for the old man.

What old man?

You, sir. You were the old man.

The men used to call you "the lovable old man"

behind your back.

And now they call you "Ironpants" behind your pants.

They call me "Ironpants" behind my pants?

You've changed, Wilton.

Yeah, she's right, captain.

You're just not the same boy we sent away to camp.

What do you mean?

Well, beggin' the captain's pardon,

you're always kind to Dobbs about his bugle.

I remember you once said to Dobbs, and I'll never forget it,

"Dobbs, if the Confederate Army had had you for a bugler,

we'd all be eating corn pone and hominy grits."

Dobbs, if the Confederate Army had had you for a bugler,

we'd all be eating corn pone and hominy grits.

I did say that.

That's right, Wilton.

And you were always nice to Charlie the town drunk.

I remember you once said, "We're all proud of you, Charlie,"

"you're the fastest drunk in the West."

We're all very proud of you, Charlie,

you're the fastest drunk in the West.

Yes, and you were so understanding

when the gun crew sometimes shot down the lookout tower.

"Anybody can make a little mistake."

Anybody can make a little mistake.

And you didn't used to hold me off with your riding crop.

I'm sorry about your headache, Dobbs.

I hope it gets better.

And that goes for your back too, Duffy.

And your farblungent tum-tum too, Hoffenmueller.

Now, don't you worry, you men. You just get well.

The four of us will fight off those Indians.

All right now, men, out of those bunks, grabs your rifles.

Let's go now!

Let's do it for the old man!

What old man?

Wilton.

Nothing to worry about now, captain.

Your men will drive off those Indians.

Yes, isn't it a good thing they were fully dressed.

Gunners, man your cannon!

All right. Come on now, quit shoving.

We don't want these girls to think we're pushovers.

Let's play hard to get!

All right, now stand back and hang on to your receipts.

Is there a Corporal Agarn here?

Is there a Private Duffy here?

Is there a Private Dobbs here?

And I'm looking for a Private Hoffenmueller.

W-well, all, uh...

All those men, ahem, have been transferred to Fort Riley.

All right, take it away!

Heh, take it away!

Oh, really?

All right, all right, all right.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.