Original subtitles

♪ The end of the Civil War Was near ♪

♪ When quite accidentally ♪

♪ A hero who sneezed Abruptly seized ♪

♪ Retreat And reversed it to victory ♪

♪ His Medal of Honor Pleased and thrilled ♪

♪ His proud little Family group ♪

♪ While pinning it on Some blood was spilled ♪

♪ And so it was planned He'd command ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

♪ Where Indian fights Are colorful sights ♪

♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪

♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪

♪ Both turn chicken ♪

♪ When drilling and fighting Get them down ♪

♪ They know their morale Can't droop ♪

♪ As long as they all Relax in town ♪

♪ Before they resume With a bang and a boom ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

My brothers, is time for us to say what is in heart.

Sergeant O'Rourke, what you say?

Well, I say that we have a tremendous souvenir item

in these here peace pipes.

Tourists will eat 'em up.

Now, listen, chief.

Get those squaws off the beaded moccasins

and on those pipes right away. Okay.

Hey, doc, a friend of mine has got a pain

right here.

What should he do about it?

Take my rattle, hold in right hand. I go...

Agarn, will you stop bothering Roaring Chicken?

If you don't feel good, go to the medic.

Some medic.

Last time I showed up for sick call,

I had to stand behind two horses and a mule.

How much souvenir business

we have so far this year?

Well, we had a pretty slow first three moons,

but business picked up in the fourth moon,

and if we don't have any problems,

this should be our biggest moon.

Do you want to see the books?

We trust you.

Ah, good. We're all in this thing together.

Fifty-fifty, right down the line.

Running Deer,

you finally came up with a toy tomahawk!

Agarn, look at this.

What do you think of that?

Oh, the kids will really go for this,

especially the ones that hate their parents.

Here's a list of the stuff we need this month.

You think you can handle that?

This bad month for workers.

Too many days off.

You gotta get them cracking.

It's getting expensive

to have those arrowheads made

by that tribe up in Oklahoma.

There's a shipment of arrowheads due

on a stage today.

Don't you think we ought to meet it?

Yeah, what time is it?

Five minute after 4:00.

No, no, chief. You're wrong.

3:15.

You better get a check-up.

Your eyes are fast.

Here's the mail for Fort Courage.

Give my best to Wilton.

Boy, she's sure stuck on that Captain Parmenter.

They do make a nice couple.

Too bad they're never together.

Hey! Hey.

Whoa!

You got a box for us?

That's right.

Right here.

Clumsy!

Sarge, I think I broke

every bone in my entire chest.

I think you broke every bone

in your entire head.

I was a very sickly child.

Yeah, well,

get those arrowheads back in the box.

Oh, sergeant!

Yes, ma'am.

Allow me to introduce myself.

I'm Miss Lucy Landfield,

of the Philadelphia Landfields.

Oh.

Well, I'm Corporal Agarn of the Passaic Agarns,

and this over here is Sergeant O'Rourke

of the Steubenville O'Rourkes.

Proud to know you, ma'am.

Would you be so kind as to tell me where I can find

Captain Wilton Parmenter?

Yes, ma'am.

Oh, there he is.

Wilton!

Wilton!

Wilton!

Lucy.

What are you doing in Fort Courage?

I've come to see you.

Well, you should have written.

I wanted to surprise you.

Oh.

Well, you're certainly looking well.

How's your family?

Fine, thank you. Good, good.

Wilton, I've come with good news.

Oh? What good news?

Daddy says his friends in Washington

can get you transferred

to a post back home in Philadelphia.

Get him transferred?

To Philadelphia?

And leave all this?

Really, Wilton, fighting Indians is no life

for an officer... and a gentleman.

If it's good enough for General Custer,

it's good enough for me.

Speaking for the men of the outfit, ma'am,

Fort Courage just wouldn't be the same

without the captain.

They broke the mold when they made him.

Thank you, men.

Really, Wilton,

I don't think we should discuss this

with your subordinates.

Good day, gentlemen.

Oh, wait a minute. I forgot my horse.

Oh, the walk will do you good, dear.

Do you know what'll happen

if she gets him transferred

back to Philadelphia?

Yeah, you and me will be back in the Army.

Yeah, and I'll have another commanding officer

to break in and keep him

from finding out about O'Rourke Enterprises,

or we'll be out of business.

Sarge... What?

You know anybody

who wants to buy 4200 peace pipes?

I won't be needing you today, Dobbs.

I'm going to be showing Miss Landfield

some of the points of interest in town. Yes, sir.

You might spend the afternoon practicing on your bugle.

Shall we?

Oh, sorry, Dobbs.

That's all right, captain.

Won't nothing hurt this old thing.

Shall we?

Excuse me.

Really, Wilton,

I'm not the least interested

in seeing this wretched little town.

Oh, but you'll love it here, Lucy.

It's nothing at all like Philadelphia.

What's wrong with Philadelphia?

Oh, Philadelphia's a wonderful city.

It's just a shame nobody lives there.

Wilton, I don't find remarks

about the birthplace of my family amusing.

I'm sorry, Lucy.

See, right over there we have a hotel,

and a bank, and we have a depot,

and we have a gunsmith, a trading post, and we...

We... We have a livery stable,

and a barber shop, and a boarding house...

and a saloon.

In... In Philadelphia,

nobody gets thrown out of a saloon

at 11 in the morning.

Well, actually,

Charlie's a little late this morning.

He usually gets thrown out around 10.

You mean, you know that man?

Well, sure I do.

Hi, Charlie.

Good evening, captain.

So glad to see you.

Well, there's a saloon.

I think I'll have me a little drink.

Charlie's the town drunk.

We got him from Dodge City.

You had to go out and get a town drunk?

Yeah. We were lucky too.

Dodge City had two, so they sold us Charlie.

Wilton, remember how it used to be?

You'd come courting every evening.

And you were always out with someone else.

Well, that was just my womanly way

of testing your love.

That's all past.

Now that you're an officer and a hero,

you have nothing more to prove.

Uh, Lucy, uh, maybe things have changed.

Only now, you're... You're more of the man

I've always loved and respected.

Morning, Wilton.

Good morning.

Well, I declare.

A real honest- to-goodness cowboy.

Didn't know your mother was coming to visit

from the East.

No, no, she's not my mother.

She's my aunt.

I mean, she's my friend.

And he's not a cowboy, he's a cowgirl.

She's a cowgirl.

I imagine it is difficult

to tell them apart.

No, no, no,

usually the ones with the funny walk

are the cowgirls.

Allow me to introduce myself.

Oh, yeah, this is Lucy Landfield.

Of the Philadelphia Landfields.

And this is Wrangler John... J-Jane.

Really, Wilton, we must be going.

Yeah. Goodbye, Wrangler.

Wilton, I wanna... Hey! Wrangler!

You can't go around shootin' everybody.

I was only gonna scare her.

I could give her a shot in the bustle.

Why didn't you let her do it, sarge?

That girl's taking the bread out of our mouths!

Now, take it easy, will you?

We'll think of something.

I'm sorry.

I guess I lost my head.

Yeah.

Whenever I see Wilton,

I get a funny feeling in here.

Sort of a burning sensation?

Yeah.

I have that too.

Sometimes I'm just sort of weak all over.

With hot flashes?

Uh-huh, and just now,

when I saw him with that girl, I got a pain

right in the pit of my stomach.

Sarge, we've got the bubonic plague.

I couldn't be so lucky.

Honey, I gotta tell you something.

You're in love.

I am?

That's right.

Love. I never had this feeling before.

Well, that's the sweetest thing I've ever heard.

Her first love, sarge.

Why don't you go buy yourself a drink.

Good idea.

Bless you, child.

Out!

Now, listen, if you don't do something

and do it fast,

she's gonna take that captain

and take him back to Philadelphia.

But there's nothing I can do!

That darn fool don't even know I'm alive.

Well, then, you have got to show him

that you are alive.

Here they come!

All right, are you ready, Wrangler?

Ready.

All right, all right. Stand back.

Give the little lady some room.

All right, ladies and gentlemen,

now Wrangler Jane

will give us a demonstration

of some plain and fancy shooting.

You ready, Wrangler?

Ready.

What's going on here?

I said, what's going on here?

Just getting in some shooting practice, Wilton.

All right, here we go, Wrangler.

Wrangler, I didn't know you could shoot like that.

I'd be glad to teach you.

Oh, Wrangler has lots of talents

that you don't know about, captain.

She ain't even got started yet.

Why, I've never seen shooting like that.

Lucy, did you see...?

Lucy!

The poor thing's fainted.

Lucy! Stand back, everybody. She's fainted.

Somebody get some water.

Lucy... Lucy?

It's me, Wilton.

Oh, Wilton,

it's so nice to be back in Philadelphia.

What?

Oh, dear.

Oh, we're still here.

Where does it hurt?

Stand back! Give her some air!

Thank you. Thank you, corporal.

I'll be all right.

It was just a touch of the vapors.

Oh, there's a lot of that been going around lately.

All right, now, ladies and gentlemen,

we will witness

a fantastic demonstration of rope twirling

by our own Wrangler Jane.

Hey, there you go! That's the way, Wrangler!

That's all right!

That's the way. That's a girl.

Look at her go now!

Hey!

That's the Wrangler for you!

I didn't know you could do that.

Lots of things

you don't know about me, Wilton.

Well, would you teach me?

Sure.

Just grab hold of this rope...

and just keep twirling.

Uh... Eh... Uh, uh... Uh, uh... Oh.

By golly, I'm a cowboy.

Hey, Lucy! Lucy, look!

I-I can... Lucy! Lucy!

Let's have some air! Let's have some air!

Vapors hit her again?

I think so.

You better get her to a doctor, captain.

You're right, corporal.

I think I'll go with you.

I ain't been feeling too good myself lately.

No, gentlemen. I'm fine. Really.

Let me take you back to the fort, dear.

Oh, no, I...

I wouldn't want you to miss that cowgirl's exhibition.

You sure you'll be all right, Lucy?

Oh, yes.

She's just fainting to get attention.

Yeah, well, she's doing a pretty good job of it too.

Well, she ain't gonna get away with it...

What are you going to do now?

I'm going to get Pecos at a full gallop

and then do a double somersault.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention?

Your attention, please.

Wrangler Jane will now perform a double somersault

while riding her horse at a full gallop,

and at the same time

shooting the buckle off of Corporal Agarn's belt.

Wow.

Did you hear that, Lucy?

She's going to... Corporal Agarn!

Dobbs! Get the water bucket.

Stand back! Give him room!

He's just a slip of a boy.

All right, let me at him.

Are you all right, Corporal Agarn?

Oh, yes, captain.

I feel fine.

Agarn, what's the matter with you?

I don't know. I think I caught her vapors.

We'd better go, Lucy.

All this excitement isn't good for you.

I do hope it's nothing serious, corporal.

No, no.

I'll be fine.

You see, I was a sickly child.

I hope you'll be well enough

to come to tea on Saturday.

Oh, sure.

And I'd like the pleasure

of your company, sergeant.

Uh, thank you, ma'am.

And we'll be looking forward

to your being there too.

Wilton and I are announcing our engagement.

Did you hear that, sarge?

Sarge!

Sarge!

Hey, chief! Roaring Chicken!

How!

You come just in time.

Chief and I going over ideas for new items.

Think we have big winner this time.

Now... Now, gentlemen, I...

I got some bad news for you.

I'm afraid we're gonna lose Captain Parmenter.

Lose Great White Pigeon?

You can pull the squaws off the peace pipes.

We'll have a fire sale and forget the whole thing.

Now, wait a minute. Let's not lose our heads.

Let's have a powwow.

We cannot lose business or my people will starve.

What are you talking about, chief?

The woods are full of game.

Fish in the stream, nuts, berries.

Hekawis never learn to live off land.

Last time we have hunting party,

have to send out search party to find them.

Still wait for search party to come back.

All we gotta do is break up Captain Parmenter's romance.

Romance? Yeah, you see,

this old girlfriend of his

came out from the East,

and she's trying to get him transferred

back to Philadelphia.

Always girl.

We have old Indian saying:

Bark of tree never bitter

to hungry squirrel.

What's that got to do with the captain?

It lose something in translation.

Who comes?

Man who carry mail from Carson City.

One with mustache.

Well, you were close.

You've got to do something about your eyes, chief.

Can I have a powwow with you?

More powwow?

Something wrong, Wrangler?

She's in the same boat we're in.

If he gets transferred back East,

it's going to break her heart too.

Oh, you in love with captain.

We have old Indian saying:

Sparrow fly high

but cannot build dam with tail of beaver.

You'd better stick with squirrels.

Look, chief, you've gotta help me.

How you expect

to take captain from other woman

when he not sure you are woman?

What do you mean, he's not sure?

Now, wait a minute, Wrangler. Let's face it.

In those clothes,

it's hard to tell whether you're a boy or a girl.

And from a distance,

it looks like you're wearing a mustache.

Before that tea, we're going to buy her

the prettiest dress in Fort Courage.

They don't have a pretty dress in that town.

Chief Wild Eagle

will send up smoke signal to Carson City,

order you dress.

Would you, chief?

No trouble. Fire going anyway.

Now, listen, we've got a lot of work to do.

If she's going to look like a lady,

we've got to teach her to act like one. Come on.

And I'll even teach you how to faint.

What size?

Shucks. How do I know?

10.

Will not work.

You doubt wisdom of Wild Eagle,

son of Crazy Horse?

You forget me, Roaring Chicken,

son of Sitting Duck.

You not like plan to get dress for Wrangler?

Fine, fine, but...

must have plan to go with it.

Oh.

Flying Sparrow!

You got minute?

What Flying Sparrow got to do with plan?

You always have empty teepee

when frost on buffalo nose.

I wish I said that.

Up! Hyah!

Oh, excuse me.

Certainly.

Sergeant O'Rourke, Corporal Agarn,

it's so nice to see you.

I'm so glad you could come.

We wouldn't have missed it

for the world, ma'am.

You remember Wrangler Jane?

Wrangler.

How nice of you to have asked me to tea.

Wrangler, you... You...

certainly look different.

I-I mean...

When Wrangler turns into a girl,

she goes all the way.

Let me get you some tea and biscuits.

Why, thank you, captain.

You are very kind.

If I were you, I'd start to faint.

I wouldn't have knowned you anywheres.

Wilton, dear, don't you think it's time

that we make the announcement?

What announcement?

I think you'll like these cookies.

Thank you, captain.

The announcement.

Oh, yes, the announcement.

How do you like them?

Just delicious.

They're loaded with rum.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I'm proud to say that I have accepted

Captain Wilton Parmenter's hand in marriage.

When did I ask for your hand?

Just before you went into the Army, dear,

and I promised to wait for you forever.

You remember, don't you?

No. No, I don't.

Perhaps the captain

doesn't want you to wait anymore.

Really, Miss Wrangler,

this is none of your affair.

Well, captain, are you going to marry her?

I told you to stay out of this,

you saddle-sore little hussy.

Do you want to step outside

and settle this man to man?

Now, now, now, please, ladies...

Only one of us is a lady.

Let me at her! Nobody's going to talk to me...

Now, now, cool off, my dear. Don't you tell me...

Nobody talks to me that way. Cool off.

Don't you tell me to cool off.

Wrangler, please... No, no, no.

Nobody's gonna talk to me like that.

Now, calm down, Wrangler.

Just take it easy.

I think it's time we left, Janey.

Congratulations, captain.

You've got a wonderful girl there.

No, don't... Just a minute, Jane.

Don't... Don't leave. Please.

You haven't finished your tea yet.

Do you really want me to stay, Wilton?

You done that on purpose! Wrangler!

I seen her step on it!

Wrangler, now, remember, we're a lady!

You're not going to get away with this!

Now, why don't we all have a nice cup of tea.

Now, hold it, Wrangler.

Wait a minute!

We know when we're not wanted.

Now, come on.

Me thinkum you've come wrong teepee.

Oh, no, this is the house I'm looking for.

For whom are you looking?

My husband.

Well, I don't think you'll find him here.

Oh, yes.

There he is.

Captain Parmenter.

Wilton, what is the meaning of this?

Now, miss, that's the reason

that the captain was a little reluctant

to announce his engagement to you.

We don't go in much for bigamy around here.

I've never seen this woman before in my life.

Show him the picture of the papoose.

Oh, yes.

The spitting image of his father.

The blue eyes, the strong nose, the weak chin.

Now I see why

you don't want to come home to Philadelphia.

You've become a frontier bum!

Just a minute.

You're talking about the man we love.

I'm sure you two are responsible

for dragging him down to your level.

Now, just a moment.

You're talking about my men.

Wilton, I'll never forgive you for this.

You've made a fool of me.

J-Jane... Jane...

Now that the party's breaking up,

why don't you and I take a walk

so I can explain.

I don't take walks with married men.

Let her go, captain.

You're too good for both of them.

They don't deserve such happiness.

You're absolutely right.

I'm much too good for them.

Come, Mrs. Parmenter.

You and I will take a walk so I can explain.

Now, now, Lucy,

you've got to be strong about this.

We're in two different worlds now.

Oh, Wilton, I never really believed

you were married to that Indian.

Oh, no, no, you don't understand, Lucy.

My men wanted to break up our engagement

because they didn't want me to leave.

I know that,

but I'm willing to take you back.

No, Lucy.

No, I cannot leave my men.

They want me

because they need a real soldier leading them.

Oh, Wilton.

This is goodbye, Lucy.

Now, be brave, my dear.

I'm sure you'll find happiness

with some civilian.

Driver. Driver.

Yeah?

You may go.

Up!

Whoa. Whoa!

Wilton. Wait!

Nice to have our leader back.

Yeah. That is, if he doesn't run

all the way to Philadelphia.