Original subtitles

♪ The end of the Civil War Was near ♪

♪ When quite accidentally ♪

♪ A hero who sneezed Abruptly seized ♪

♪ Retreat And reversed it to victory ♪

♪ His Medal of Honor Pleased and thrilled ♪

♪ His proud little Family group ♪

♪ While pinning it on Some blood was spilled ♪

♪ And so it was planned He'd command ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

♪ Where Indian fights Are colorful sights ♪

♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪

♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪

♪ Both turn chicken ♪

♪ When drilling and fighting Get them down ♪

♪ They know their morale Can't droop ♪

♪ As long as they all Relax in town ♪

♪ Before they resume With a bang and a boom ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

Hey, Wilton. Where you headed?

I was just headed over to your store.

I'm fresh out of saddle soap.

Ain't that nice?

Is it all right if you leave the fort now?

Oh, yes. This is the rest period.

I... I don't have to be back till 3:00.

What happens then? The recreation period.

I'm very strict about sticking to the schedule.

That's good.

Then we'll have time to walk over to Courtin' Rock.

It's nice and peaceful and quiet out there.

Oh, it's peaceful and quiet right here.

That's why I like it here.

It's... It's not wild and noisy like back home in Philadelphia.

Bartender! Beer!

Comin' right up.

What does O'Rourke mean, I got sticky fingers? Uh...

I never stole a cent in my life, boss.

Hey! Don't call me "boss."

We pay you 8 bucks a week.

How much could a man spend?

You saw my references.

Everybody ever fired me said I was honest.

Beer!

Sloppy, but honest.

Oh, Pete. Now look what you've done.

Butterfingers!

I'm sorry... Keep your hands off of me.

Uh... Uh... The... Uh... The... This one's on the house...

Wait a minute.

I'll give it to him.

I ought to blast the both of you.

Oh... Oh, gee, I'm... Gimme that cloth!

I'm sorry, mister. I'm sorry,

Sarge... he's in again.

Nappy time.

Are you all right, Charlie?

Never felt better in my life.

They got an awful lot to learn about running a saloon.

I'd like to see them do that again.

They did.

Oh, he didn't look well.

He ought to go home and lie down.

Fall down is more like it.

Gettin' so this town ain't a fittin' place

to marry and raise children.

When are you gonna do something about that saloon?

Now, now, Janey, it's not a cavalry problem.

Well, it's a territorial problem,

and you're the military governor of this here town.

Well, that does it.

I'm swearing off.

Till this afternoon.

Well, when are you gonna do something about it?

Janey... I'm going in there right now.

Oh!

There's another one.

You'd better go someplace and sleep this off, mister.

There. I'll get your hat.

Captain, what are you doing here?

Well, I was going inside, but I've seen enough.

I'm going back to the fort and write an order

closing this saloon.

Sergeant... take care of this drunk.

Sarge! He's gonna close the saloon.

What'll we do?

What we always do: I'll think of something.

Where is he?

Where's that sawed-off little runt?

Ah, now, wait a minute.

Who are you to call our captain a sawed-off little runt?

Who do you think you are, anyway?

Urp!

The captain was right. He's got a snootful.

Yeah. Urp. I'm Sam Urp.

The fastest gun in the West.

You tell that two-bit captain to start totin' a gun,

'cause the next time we meet, I'm gonna kill him.

Now, get out of my way 'fore somebody gets hurt.

Hey, Agarn, everything's taken... care of...

Oh, shoot...

Here we go, little baby.

Huh?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, he's still in there.

Hey, Geronimo!

Sarge. Hey.

What a terrible night.

How can a man sleep,

laying in bed, worrying about our saloon?

Yeah, what a team we are, Agarn.

If it wasn't for you doing the worrying,

I'd never get anything done.

What'd you do?

I went to the saloon, talked to Pete.

Everything's fixed.

What do you want me to do?

Do what you do best: just worry.

You bet I'm worried.

If he closes our saloon, we're out of business.

The captain ain't gonna close nothing.

Now, get into your duds.

Dobbs, I've given it a lot of thought,

and I've got to close that saloon.

You're absolutely right, captain.

You no idea of the wild goin's-on in there.

Why... Why, I went in that saloon

one Saturday night, Uh, Dobbs...

And this dancing girl I never even been introduced to

come up to me with a deck of cards and says,

"How about a little game, soldier?"

Dobbs... She took me for $8,

and I never did know before

that out West, the six of clubs is the big casino...

Dobbs!

Something wrong, sir?

Yes.

Now, let's try it.

I thought it was a little crowded in there.

There we go. That's...

Uh...

Uh, you go ahead and blow "Assembly," Dobbs.

I'll be right out.

"Assembly."

That goes, uh... Yeah, I know that one.

That's enough.

Aw, shucks. I wanted to hear the second chorus.

That's even purtier.

I'm sure it is.

Ten-hut!

Oh.

Troop ready for inspection, sir.

Thank you, sergeant.

There, that's better.

Oh, hello, captain.

Hi.

Uh, I'm... sorry about that, Duffy.

Don't worry, captain. I'll fix it later.

Sergeant.

Uh, corporal, can't you do something about that?

Duttleson!

You're in line, but your belly ain't!

Now, pull it in!

Troop, at ease.

Now, I have a little announcement to make.

Until further notice, the saloon will be off-limits

to all personnel.

Quiet! Uh, sir?

That dive is our only source of innocent amusement.

It's our home away from home.

Some home.

I passed by there yesterday

and almost got hit by a flying drunk.

All right, now, men.

If the captain wants to close that...

uh... den of inequity,

he's doing it for your own good.

Captain, I think we ought to get right over there

and close it, now.

Good thinking, sergeant.

Oh, captain, sir.

Dismissed.

Here, here, boys. Stop that.

Grab him. I... I said stop that.

Now, this here's the military governor,

and he don't allow no fighting around here

because this is war territory.

Sissy!

Captain... they've changed the sign.

Whatever happened to the saloon?

"Tinkerbell's Ice Cream Parlor"?

They're just trying to pull the wool over your eyes, sir.

Oh, that Pete, he's a crafty one, sir.

Well, maybe he's really trying to clean the place up.

Let's go inside and see.

Huh.

Well.

Yeah. Certainly is a lot different.

Oh, it's very nice. Homey.

You know, I wouldn't be ashamed to bring my mother in here.

That's the kind of business we need: his mother.

Yeah.

A little sarsaparilla, Captain Parmenter?

Yeah, don't mind if I do.

Yeah, make it three, Pete.

Easy on mine. I'm trying to quit.

Well, if this don't beat a busted tom-tom.

Well, hello, Janey. May I buy you a drink?

Wilton.

Oh, it's all right, Wrangler.

This is vintage stuff. Sarsaparilla.

1776 was a great year for sarsaparilla.

Not now, thank you.

Wilton, did you forget that we had a date?

A date? I...

Oh, my gun lesson. I forgot all about it.

I... Say, I'm learning real fast too.

Watch this. Either hand.

Ha-ha-ha-ha...

Good trick, captain.

Especially if the other guy's fighting with beer mugs.

Sorry about that. H... Here...

It's all right, captain. We'll take care of it.

Come on, Wilton. I can't stay away from the store all day.

Uh... Excuse me, gentlemen. Mm.

Don't tell me he got that way on sarsaparilla.

Sergeant, that drunk's back again.

We'll take care of him, sir.

Did you ever think of coming in through the window?

Fastest gun in the West, huh?

You can't even outdraw a swinging door, ha.

Hey, Pete, get rid of this slop and get us a couple of drinks.

One of these days, I'm gonna catch him

away from them swinging doors.

You tin soldiers'll be looking for a new captain.

Urp... Bless you.

I'm gonna give you a piece of advice

that might save your life.

Don't tangle with Wilton Parmenter.

Winner of the Civil War and Scourge of the West.

Hogwash.

You tell that sawed-off sliver of buzzard bait

there's room in the West for just one Scourge,

and that's me!

If I was you, I'd get out of this town.

That sawed-off sliver of buzzard bait

was weaned on a shooting iron.

Oh, I'm... scared to death.

I'm going back to the fort.

I can't stand the sight of blood.

Wait a minute.

What blood?

It could be mine.

Hey... You're not going no place.

Now, listen, we gotta do something and do it fast,

or Urp's gonna kill the captain.

But how are we gonna stop him, sarge?

I got an idea.

We'll put his shooting hand out of commission.

Great idea, sarge. Take care of it.

Uh, wait a minute. I need your help.

I can't do it alone. Do what?

Well, he's gotta have an accident,

so he can't shoot nobody.

Now, if something was to mash his hand, like...

Well, like that potted plant, see?

Well, how is that gonna fall on his hand?

He's way down there.

That's where you come in.

You move him down, get his hand underneath that plant,

I cut the rope.

When we get through with that guy,

his hand'll look like a five-fingered pancake.

Now, go on, get to work.

Oh, hello, Mr. Urp.

You still here?

Look, chum, it ain't that crowded in here.

You're a... You're a sport, Mr. Urp.

Say, did you ever hear the one

about the two girls in Kansas City?

This is a lollapalooza.

What about the two girls from Kansas City?

Well, come on down here and I'll... tell you about it.

Well, there was these two sisters, you see,

in Kansas City, you see, and... Hey, Pete!

How about a couple of drinks

for me and my friend, Urp?

What about the two sisters in Kansas City?

Well, now, there were these...

These two, uh, sisters... Where you going?

Uh, I don't want Pete to hear. He's too young.

Well, anyway, there were these two girls, see,

and they both fell in love with the same traveling salesman...

Here you are, gents.

Well, go ahead, soldier. Now, these two girls

in love with the same salesman, then what?

Well... take a drink and it'll be funnier.

Oh, don't... Don't drink with your left hand.

It's bad luck.

It is? Yeah.

Ah, never mind the story. That's funnier.

Agarn, what's the matter with you?

Can't you do anything right?

Five-finger pancake...

Well, don't just stand there. Bring me the maple syrup.

Ooh, oh, oh!

Oh, you poor man.

Now, you've mashed your hand,

and you can't go gunning for the captain.

You think so, huh?

Well, I...

Hey...

No, Wilton, no.

Watch me.

Oh.

Oh, more like this, huh?

Well, you're getting better, Wilton.

That time you hit the side of the barn.

Same time tomorrow?

Uh, that'll be fine, Janey.

Then I'll be getting back to the store, now.

Bye-bye. Bye, Janey.

Oh, uh, captain, would you sign this, please, sir?

Oh, hello, men. Don't sir! It ain't that bad!

Oh, we'll take care of the whole thing, sir.

Just... Just sign right here.

Oh, what is it?

I-it's an authorization for F Troop

to run Sam Urp out of town, sir.

Oh... Sam Urp?

Mm. You know, sir.

That uncouth character that hangs around the sal...

Uh, Tinkerbell's Ice Cream Parlor.

Well, why do you want to run him out of town?

Wouldn't it be better if we just got him to stop drinking?

Uh, captain, you can't let a drunken desperado

make a shambles out of Fort Courage

and endanger the existence of this entire community.

Here, ahem.

No, no, no. Gentlemen... Gentlemen, please.

Now, it wouldn't be fair to turn the whole troop loose on him.

Now, if he doesn't stop drinking

and he continues to make trouble,

I'll just have to ask him to leave town.

Yeah, but, captain... No buts, sergeant.

As military governor, it's a matter I'll handle personally.

Oh.

Poor Captain Parmenter.

And he had everything to live for.

Yeah.

We'll never find another pigeon like him

if we hatch one ourselves.

I got it, Agarn.

You stay here and guard Sam Urp.

By myself? That's right.

What about you?

I'm gonna have him kidnapped.

Kidnapped?!

Kidnapped?

Hekawi peaceful tribe. Never kidnap nobody.

Now, wait a minute.

We got a good thing goin' with this captain.

Do you wanna see him get killed?

More better than Hekawi get killed.

Listen, do you remember before the captain came here

how the officers were always snooping around the still,

and counting blankets and horses and supplies?

Well, we can't afford to lose the best C.O. we ever had.

Let's face it. You Hekawis have never had it so good.

Hekawi have ancient saying:

"Beaver cannot fly

when horn of young buffalo point at full of moon."

Yeah?

Yeah, well, I got a better one:

"When great white pigeon fall from sky,

no more wampum grow on tree."

You right.

Who you want we grab?

Yeah, now you're talking.

Agarn is over at the saloon, keeping an eye on this Sam Urp.

Now, you send two of your best braves over there, and get him.

What if he put up fight?

Overpower him.

Better send four braves.

Yeah, four.

What happened to them braves, anyway?

Uh... It's 3:30.

It is? Yeah.

Sundial always slow.

Yeah, well, it's about time.

He put up terrible fight, but we get him.

All right. Take him off. Tie him to the stake.

There we go. Now, get that sack off of his head.

We'll give him one last chance to skedaddle out of here.

Agarn!

All right.

Light the fire and pass the marshmallows.

What did you bring him for?

You said, Agarn guard Urp, bring him here.

We bring.

He meant bring Urp.

Oh.

Good thing we not try.

Have tough enough time bring in Agarn.

Sarge, either untie me, or put an apple in my mouth!

Untie the man. H...

Hoppin' horned toads, Urp's loose in town,

and it's time for the captain to start his patrol.

Get... Get, now, boys. I told you to stop that, now.

Now... Now, run along. Run along.

Well, Mr. Urp. Glad to see you've sobered up.

Where are you goin'?

I'm on patrol.

You... What's the matter with your arms?

A touch of rheumatism?

Don't try that trick stuff on me.

What kind of a shootout is this?

Shootout?

Who's having a shootout?

We are!

We're gonna settle once and for all

who's the Scourge of the West.

Oh, well, I coulda told you that. I am.

Ask any Indian.

I don't have to ask anybody. My guns do my talking for me.

Now, are ya gonna fight, or ain't ya?

Oh, no... No, I couldn't do that.

You see, I... I have a rule about fighting in the street.

Didn't you hear me tell those two little boys?

Soldier, either you fight, or you'll be known as a coward

from one end of the West to the other.

A lily-livered, chicken-hearted coward.

I will? And a disgrace to your uniform.

Well, then, I guess I'll just have to fight.

Now, uh, you go down to the blacksmith shop,

and we'll start all over.

Wilton, don't do it.

Please don't fight him.

I've got to, Janey.

It's for the honor of the cavalry.

I have to do my duty as a good captain.

But don't you even want to live to be a good major?

Come on, Parmenter. Let's get her over with.

Excuse me, Janey.

A man must do what he must do.

Oh, Wilton, he's a dead shot, and...

And this morning you didn't even hit a thing.

Well, now, that's... That's true,

but he's a lot bigger than a bottle.

Oh, Wilton!

I'm...

All right, Parmenter.

Reach for your gun.

Oh, do I go first?

Oh, thank you.

All right, drop the gun, Urp.

Agarn, did you ever see shooting like that in your life?

You ought to be glad you're still alive.

Yeah, he coulda cut you to ribbons anytime he wanted to.

Look at him. The one and only Scourge.

Look, sarge.

He's figurin' out the next shot.

Yeah. Come on, Agarn.

Listen, if you know what's good for you,

you're gonna stay out of this town.

All right, give us a hand, here, fellas.

Hey, you... You ain't heard the last of me.

All right, drop that thing off and run.

Hey, hey! Hey, let me out! Hey!

Hey, let's hear it, now.

All right, captain!

Did you see that? Did you?

Ha, ha, ha... Ow!

The winner!

Uh, th... Thank you, thank you.

Hey, things are sure quiet around town since Mr. Urp left.

Yeah, he suddenly remembered he had a big deal in Tombstone.

Or a tombstone in Big Deal.

That's very humorous, corporal.

Hey! Now, look at that.

They're at it again.

Here now, what are you two boys fighting about this time?

I say the captain's the best shot in the West,

and he says he ain't.

Show him, captain.

Well, if it'll keep you two boys from fighting.

Now, you see that bottle over there?

Watch this.

See? I told you.

Here, now, captain,

don't you think we ought to get on over to the Tinkerbell?

Right, sergeant. And this time, the sarsaparilla's on me.

Sarsaparilla.