Original subtitles

♪ The end of the Civil War Was near ♪

♪ When quite accidentally ♪

♪ A hero who sneezed Abruptly seized ♪

♪ Retreat And reversed it to victory ♪

♪ His Medal of Honor Pleased and thrilled ♪

♪ His proud little Family group ♪

♪ While pinning it on Some blood was spilled ♪

♪ And so it was planned He'd command ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

♪ Where Indian fights Are colorful sights ♪

♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪

♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪

♪ Both turn chicken ♪

♪ When drilling and fighting Get them down ♪

♪ They know their morale Can't droop ♪

♪ As long as they all Relax in town ♪

♪ Before they resume With a bang and a boom ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

Five thousand dollars reward.

Sure would be great for a young couple

startin' out life together, wouldn't it, Wilton?

Oh, yes. Yes, it would.

Be a perfect wedding gift.

Mm-hm. Why, do you know somebody who's getting married?

Wilton, sometimes I could just...

Postman said I should put this up here.

I'll bring them in, Jane.

I'm not just captain of Fort Courage.

I'm responsible for this whole area.

Think maybe I should come along and get 'em with you, Wilton?

You know, I can shoot the eyelashes

off a jackrabbit at 200 feet.

Ooh, no. Capturing bandits, that's man's work.

Uh-uh. Ah, ah.

Just a moment.

This is man's work too.

Uh... Oh, yeah.

Mm.

I don't know what could be the matter with him, Doc.

I offer him carrots and... And sugar...

and candy and everything, but he just...

Well, he doesn't have any appetite,

doesn't have any pep.

Ah. Well, let me see his feet.

Oh. Lift up his foot there.

All right. Come on, beauty.

Let's see here. Show the doctor.

That's a good girl. Yeah. Mm-hm.

Now. Well?

Now, let me... Let me see that stomach.

Here we are.

Hm.

Well.

See, try here now.

See if his eye is clear.

Ah-ha. Now, just a minute.

Whoo, now. Take it easy, boy.

Yeah. He's sensitive around the ears.

I know. I want to see if he's got any fever.

Oh. It's all right, baby.

All right, now. Open up his mouth.

Oh. Here.

Sure. Show him your teeth.

Ah-ha.

Yeah. Mm.

Well, yeah. I see. Well...

Listen, could it maybe be something he ate?

I mean, I gave him the leftover stew last night.

Well, I'll have to make some tests,

and I'll give you my report tomorrow. Oh.

Ooh.

Corporal Agarn?

Is that you, Captain Parmenter?

Yes, I heard you were ill.

I thought I'd come see you.

What seems to be the trouble?

I ate some of the leftovers

from the beef stew last night.

You should go see the doctor.

Thank you, captain. Here, I'll help you up.

Just... Just... Let me sit here, captain.

Oh, but the doctor can help you.

Nobody can help me.

Oh, no, corporal. You're just going

to have to pull yourself together here.

Stand up, stand up. Atta...

What, what? Where does it hurt you?

My foot. My foot!

Your foot?

You're standing on my foot.

Oh. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

But the doctor will know just what's wrong with you.

Here, come on. We'll go see him.

Just wait'll you see him.

I'm sorry, captain. I...

I guess I'm just an old fuddy-duddy.

Doctor? Oh, doctor.

A horse doctor?

He's the only medical man we have.

Oh, hello, captain.

Doctor, we have a sick soldier here.

Yeah. Really?

Well, what seems to be the trouble?

Well, I have these pains,

and I can't eat, no pep.

Well, let me see your feet.

Now, lift up your foot.

Lift up your foot.

Ah. Uh-huh.

All right, come on over here now.

Now... Let me see that stomach.

Hm.

Hm.

Ah. Well, now.

Let's, uh... Let's see if the eye is clear.

Ah-ha. Ah.

Let me see if you have any fever.

Whoa.

Very sensitive around my ears.

All right, now. Open up your mouth.

Open up your mouth!

Oh.

Yeah, ooh. I see.

Ah, well. Now.

I'll h... I'll have to make a few tests,

and I'll let you know tomorrow.

Go take a rest, corporal.

Okay. I'll help him back to the barracks.

Yeah. Thank you, doctor. Goodbye.

Oh, corporal.

Don't help anymore, captain.

You've done enough for me already.

I have these pains in my stomach,

and I... I get dizzy.

Dizzy? Yeah.

Me best medicine man in all West.

Soon you feel much better.

Think so?

Mm. Come, see chart.

Heap big picture of tum-tum.

You, oh, bad, bad, bad.

Tum-tum all topsy-turvy.

Can you give me something for it?

Step into office.

Sit down.

Easy, easy, easy. Oh.

Me do medicine dance to great spirit.

Soon, you are yourself again.

Kenosabe.

Kenosabe.

Keno, Keno.

How your tummy now?

Well, you're a wonderful dancer, doc.

Don't you have some medicine I can take?

That come.

You take this.

Take... that?

Kiss of evening breeze,

blended with pollen of lovely flower

and essence of fine herbs

crossed with mystic spices of the Hekawis.

Very secret.

Yeah, but what is it?

Marinated corn cob.

Take pinch every three hours

with glass water.

Hot. Hot.

Hot, hot. Hot!

Well, what do you think, Doc?

Sure like that horse. I...

Well, I'm sorry, sergeant.

I've completed my tests on the horse,

and the news is not good.

What's wrong with him?

Go on. Give it to me straight, Doc. How bad is he?

Well, I know how close you are to him,

and I hate to tell you this.

He's a goner.

How long you reckon he can last?

Oh, could go any minute.

Well, I hate to suggest this, but...

What do you think? Maybe it'd help

if I put him out of his misery?

Oh, no. I wouldn't do that.

Let him enjoy his last few days.

You... You'll know when the end's coming.

His tongue'll turn black,

and his teeth'll get loose.

Well, thank you, Doc.

I have to start thinking about a replacement.

That'll take me a couple of days.

Ah. I'm sorry. That's all right.

At least now that I know, I can change my plans.

Well, so long, Doc.

So long.

Well, hello, corporal. What's the matter with you?

You look like you've been crying.

I'll be all right.

I'm a soldier.

Give it to me straight, Doc. What is it?

Nothing at all. Just relax and...

And stop worrying.

Stop worrying?

Tell me the truth, Doc.

I can take it.

What is it?

You're fine, just like I said.

Just take it easy and enjoy yourself.

"Enjoy yourself."

"Enjoy yourself."

A man in my condition?

It's all in your mind, son.

There's nothing wrong.

Uh... Here.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.

Eat an apple.

With a black tongue and loose teeth.

Isn't there anything in this world

for a man with a topsy-turvy tum-tum?

Oh. Thank you, Duffy.

Here. You can take care of him.

Be glad to, captain.

Oh, captain. I, uh...

I'd like to speak to you about your man, Agarn.

Corporal Agarn? Yeah, he's not well.

Really? What is it? He's very nervous.

There's nothing physically wrong with him, you understand.

But, uh... you should handle him very carefully.

He's liable to break down, just go all to pieces.

He imagines he's ill.

Well, uh...

do you think I should give him a weekend pass?

Mm. Might help.

The best medicine you could give him is kindness.

Just humor him along.

Well, then, kindness is the word, doctor.

Don't worry. I'll handle it.

Oh, captain.

That's an order, sergeant.

I want you and everyone in the troop to treat Agarn

with sympathy and understanding. Very well, sir.

Make sure he has plenty of rest, warm milk, fresh fruit.

And be sure he takes his nap in the afternoon.

Yes, sir.

No matter what he says, you go along with it.

The key to being a successful officer

is control in every situation.

Your successful officer is always in complete control.

Sir.

Hey, Agarn. Got a surprise for you.

Farewell gift? Is that it, sarge?

Well, no. It's some fresh fruit and warm milk.

Yeah. Whoop, whoa. Wait, wait.

Here, why don't you have this

and then... And then take a nap?

That's nice of you, sarge.

You and me, we've had some good times together.

Yeah, we've made some pretty sharp business deals.

Remember the time we emptied

the kerosene lamps out of the inspector general's office?

Yeah. Took 'em into town and sold it as hair tonic.

You couldn't light a match

near a bald-headed man for a month.

Listen, you just take it easy.

I'm due over at the 'Kawi camp.

I got a new idea. See, we'll supply the soap,

and then we'll sell a combination

peace pipe and bubble pipe.

You can keep my share.

What are you talkin' about?

You and I are partners to the bitter end.

"The bitter end"?

So long, Agarn.

So long, sarge.

So long, F Troop.

It's light blue.

Pretty soon it'll be dark blue.

Then black blue.

And then black black. And that's it.

Then you get the parade, the muffled drums,

and 21-gun salute.

What makes you think you'd get 21 guns?

That's for a president.

Eighteen.

Nah, that's a general.

What does a corporal get?

A three-gun salute.

Maybe.

And a crooked corporal? He'd get...

What a way to go, me, a crooked corporal.

The least I can do is square myself with the world.

For the sake of Mom, Dad, and...

Aunt Charley.

Dear inspector... general:

I want to... make a full... confession.

Hi there, corporal. Oh. Hello, Miss Jane.

What's the matter? You look kind of sad.

Real down in the mouth,

like going to a funeral or something.

Bye.

Bye.

Cleaning your rifle, sarge?

Yeah.

You don't fool me.

What?

Go ahead, shoot! Give it to me, right here.

What are you talkin' about?

I heard you talkin' to the doctor about me.

You said maybe you should put me out of my misery.

I can't stand the suspense. Go ahead, shoot!

Talkin' about you?

I know I'm a goner.

I can't stand the suspense. Shoot.

I don't even need a blindfold.

Just a condemned man's dinner.

Chicken, peas... watermelon.

Wait, hold the peas. You got candied yams?

Candied yams?

Sure. You wouldn't refuse a man

his last request.

What are you talking about? Last request?

You got nothing to worry about.

I didn't mention you in the letter.

Letter? What letter?

I had to do it.

I gotta leave this earth with a clear conscience.

I told him about all the deals we made,

and the... The swindles.

But I took the blame, sarge. I didn't mention you.

I may have black tongue and loose teeth,

but I got a clear conscience.

Black tongue. Loose teeth.

That was my horse we were talking about.

Your horse? What do you mean, your horse?

The vet said my horse is very sick.

He hasn't got a chance. Now, what about the letter?

What about me? You're fine.

There's nothing wrong with you. You're fine.

But what about the letter?

I'm fine?

I'm fine. Oh, that's marvelous for me!

Very bad for the horse.

Never mind the horse.

What about the letter?

Oh, the letter's all right.

I just mailed it to the inspector general.

The inspector general?

I'll keep an eye out. You see if you can get

the letter out of the bag.

Sarge, look at that.

Hey, that's my new possum trap.

Just ordered it from Carson City.

Beautiful, isn't it?

It hurts, but it's beautiful.

Agarn just put a letter in there,

and we forgot to put a stamp on it.

Oh. Well, this here's the incoming mail.

Oh?

Outgoing mail just left.

Lucky for you,

they took your letter without a stamp.

Ah.

Yeah. Lucky.

I wish I was dead.

Are you sure there's nothing wrong with me?

No, but there will be if the inspector general

ever gets ahold of that letter.

Yeah. We'll be on that poster.

That's it.

What's it? What's what? What's? Who? What?

We'll become the Colton Brothers.

We'll stick up the mails.

Stick up the U.S. mails?

Just to get the letter back.

We'll put on masks, and no one'll know it's us.

They'll think it's the Colton Boys.

Do you know the penalty

for robbing the U.S. mail is 10 years?

We're not robbing the mails.

It's your own letter we're going to get back.

I mean, what can they do to you?

One month ago, the Colton Brothers

held up the mail at Brimstone Canyon.

Now, one week ago, the Colton Brothers

held up the mail at Arroyo Gulch.

Now, I figure they'll strike next

right around Coldwater.

Does that give you an idea?

Yes, sir. I win.

Look. Dobbs, all I was trying to do

is point out that there is a pattern to what

the Colton Brothers are doing.

Now, all we have to do is head

for Coldwater Canyon and grab them.

So let's mount our horses and go.

I'll get my bugle.

Oh, Dobbs.

What time do we pass through Coldwater Canyon?

Are we on schedule?

Oh, I've got to be in today at 9:00 in the morning.

I'm gettin' married there tomorrow.

That stagecoach will be here any minute, Bob.

Let's put on the masks.

Right, Bill.

I'll get the mailbag, and I'll throw it to you.

When I say, "Follow me," we ride away.

I got it. Right.

Now, listen,

that stage is gonna be here any minute. Put your mask on.

You remember, now. When I get the mail sack

and throw it down to you, and holler, "Follow me,"

we ride out, all right?

Ah. Hey.

Hold that coach!

Give me that mailbag.

Here, Bob.

I'm not Bob.

Neither am I.

Here, give me that.

What are you doing over there, Bob?

I'm not Bob. BOB: That's right, Bill.

He's not Bob. I'm Bob.

Who is he? I thought that was you.

That's not me. I'm me! He's him.

What's happening out there?

Give that bag to Bob!

I got these two guys covered.

Take off, Bob.

Oh, don't you touch that bag.

My weddin' invitations is in it!

What are you, a wise guy?

Why didn't you give that bag to Bob?

Well, I thought he was Bob.

Didn't you think he was Bob?

I wish you'd make up your mind who's Bob

so I can get out of here. I'm late already.

And I may be late for my own honeymoon.

Why don't you shut up, you old crow?

I'm not an old crow. I'm an engaged woman!

You fresh thing.

Go on with your robbery so we can get outta here.

I'm Captain Parmenter of the United States Army,

and I've got you surrounded.

I knew you'd be here, Coltons.

All right, get going.

Oh, no, not me!

I don't want that, it's stolen property.

Captain, how come there's four of 'em?

They must be trying to confuse us.

Well, we'll just have to arrest them all.

That belongs to the United States Post Office.

Give me that.

Here. Dobbs, head for the fort.

All right, you're all under arrest.

Now, let's ride.

Ha! Come on.

Look at that. Wilton caught the Coltons.

Yeah.

All right, throw down your guns.

Throw down your guns. Put up your hands.

All right. Give me that mail bag, Dobbs.

Sergeant O'Rourke.

Corporal Agarn.

Well, yes, sir. We went underground, sir.

Hoping, like you, to capture the Coltons.

You did? AGARN: But it was you, sir,

who decoyed them into the fort.

A brilliant move, sir.

A stroke of genius.

Oh, yes. Planting that fake pay envelope

as a decoy, sir. Oh, clever.

Clever. Very clever, sir. Yes.

Oh, Wilton, you've captured the Coltons.

You know, you're the bravest man

in the whole world.

Please... Please, I'm on duty.

So, what was that about an envelope?

Now, don't be modest, captain.

Did I say "captain"?

Oh, sir. I beg your pardon.

At this rate, it will soon be general.

Shall I take the prisoners to the guardhouse, general?

"General." I keep making that mistake.

Oh, no, no, no. I can handle this situation.

Left!

No, now. R-Right face! Forward, huh!

I'll see you later, Janey.

Wilton?

Oh, Wilton.

Poor horse.

Couldn't sleep all night.

I brought him an apple, but...

I'm afraid it's too late.

I know just how he feels.

I got my pains too.

Mm? Where?

Well, they start up here in my head.

Then they work themselves around here...

What? And come out here.

What? What's that stuff?

This?

This kiss of evening breeze,

blended with pollen of beautiful flower

and essence of fine herbs,

crossed with mystic spices of the Hekawi.

Very secret.

Marinated corn cob.

Marinated...

Marinated corn cob.

Agarn! You've cured him!

Wh...

Oh, sarge!