Original subtitles

♪ The end of the Civil War Was near ♪

♪ When quite accidentally ♪

♪ A hero who sneezed Abruptly seized ♪

♪ Retreat And reversed it to victory ♪

♪ His Medal of Honor Pleased and thrilled ♪

♪ His proud little Family group ♪

♪ While pinning it on Some blood was spilled ♪

♪ And so it was planned He'd command ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

♪ Where Indian fights Are colorful sights ♪

♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪

♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪

♪ Both turn chicken ♪

♪ When drilling and fighting Get them down ♪

♪ They know their morale Can't droop ♪

♪ As long as they all Relax in town ♪

♪ Before they resume With a bang and a boom ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

F Troop ready for pay call, sir.

Good work. Thank you, sergeant.

Now...

Uh, Agarn, Randolph, NMI.

Here, sir.

There you are, corporal, $15.

Thank you, sir.

O'Rourke, Morgan Sylvester.

Here, sir.

There you are, sergeant, $17.

Thank you, sir. I...

Something wrong, sergeant?

Why, sir, you've overpaid me.

You've given me a 10 instead of a 1.

Well, of all the years I've been in the army,

I've never heard of a soldier complaining

about being overpaid.

Uh, well, sir, I'm just a poor horse soldier.

But I only want what's coming to me.

O'Rourke, you're all-cavalry.

Thank you, sir. Yeah.

Uh, Herbert. Hubert Herbert.

All right, pay call for O'Rourke Enterprises.

Employees, fall in.

Employees ready for pay call.

Sarge! You've got more money there

than the U.S. Army.

That's because I'm smarter than the U.S. Army.

Sure seems like business is terrific.

Yeah, we had the biggest month ever.

Business in the saloon alone was up 33 percent.

Are the men drinking that much more whiskey?

No, they're drinking that much more water.

The only way a guy can get drunk in your saloon

is if he orders a double-minced pie.

Dobbs, Hannibal Shirley.

Here, sir.

Wilton... here's a letter for you.

Jane, please, I happen to be paying the troops.

Now, where was I Dobbs?

Uh, seven, sir. But just keep right on counting.

Right. Ten.

But it's from Washington,

the War Department,

office of the chief of staff,

stamped official, urgent and top-secret.

Hm. Sounds like it might be important.

I guess you could say that.

I wonder what they're up to in Washington.

I've informed the commander of Fort Courage

that your man will be there to start the experiment.

I can't tell you how grateful we are

to the British army.

We're both fighting Injuns, you know.

Hands across the sea and that sort of thing, old boy.

Colonel Willoughby, our information has it

that Cochise and Geronimo combined forces.

Now, this, sir, could pose

quite a problem for our armies.

They shan't have any trouble

when our Major Bently Royce shows them the tactics

he uses with the Bengal Lancers.

He's outwitted the beggars from Bombay to the Khyber Pass.

Sounds like he's quite a soldier.

He's a living legend.

If he had been with Clive,

there never would have been the "Black Hole" of Calcutta.

What, um, tactics does he use?

Mainly it's infiltration.

He is a master at the use of disguises,

in getting his troops behind the enemy lines.

That's why he's known in India as "The Phantom Major."

Phantom Major.

Now you see him, now you don't.

Well... sounds real interesting.

Quite.

Colonel, tell me, uh...

just, uh, what does this fellow look like?

I've never seen him.

You've never seen him? No.

But he's due to meet me here momentarily.

Major Bently Royce reporting for duty, sir.

Troop, ten-hut!

At ease, men.

Men, as you know, we've been chosen

to be the test troop for a new experiment

by the Army, in Indian fighting.

Now, sending someone to teach us

how to fight Indians

is like sending someone to teach Betsy Ross

how to make a flag.

It always relaxes a troop

when you give them a little joke. Yes, sir.

Well, that certainly is a little joke, sir.

Thank you.

However, when Major Bently Royce arrives,

I want each of you to show him

real F Troop hospitality.

Uh, Vanderbilt, any sign of Major Bently Royce?

No, thanks, captain. I just ate.

Vanderbilt, can you see the major?

No sign yet, sergeant.

He should have be here two hours ago.

Yeah, well, with the captain's permission

I'd like to take out a search party.

Something may have happened to him, sir.

Be a shame if the Indians got him

before he showed us how to get the Indians.

Yeah.

I'll go with you, sergeant. I'll get my rifle.

Oh, good. Right, sir.

Vanderbilt, keep your eyes and ears open!

What's that, sarge?!

Ah, forget it.

No.

Major Bently Royce reporting for duty, sir.

Major, what are you doing in the closet?

Wanted you to give you a practical demonstration

of the infiltration tactics

that have made me... a living legend.

Oh. W-well, come in, come in.

Thank you.

I was about to lead a search party for you.

But I must admit,

the last place I'd ever think to look is in the closet.

Why do you think they call me "The Phantom Major"?

My orders, captain.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, won't you sit down, major.

Thank you.

Mm-hm.

Mm-hm.

Well, everything seems to be in order, major.

Well, captain, the, uh, search party is ready.

Oh, that won't be necessary now, sergeant.

As you can see, the major has already...

arrived.

Well, where is he, sir?

What?

He must be in the closet.

The... The major, in the closet, sir?

Yes, yes. That's where I found him.

He wanted to demonstrate that

he could slip into the fort

without our noticing it.

Shh.

I got you this ti...

I don't understand it.

Where could he be?

Heh.

Uh, w-why... Why doesn't the captain...

lie down for a while, sir?

On the medical officer's cot.

No, no. I'm all right.

Well, of course you're all right, captain...

Sergeant, I tell you, he was in the closet.

Of course.

Well, we'll just have one more look,

shall we?

There.

You see. There's no...

Stand easy, chaps.

There, you see?

I told you he was in the closet.

I think I'd better lie down

on the medical officer's cot.

Major Bently Royce, this is Sergeant O'Rourke

and Corporal Agarn.

Carry on, chaps.

The two best Indian fighters in the West.

Now, that "The Phantom Major" has arrived,

they are the two second-best Indian fighters in the West.

Well, now, I don't know.

We haven't done too bad so far, sir.

With all due modesty, I think you'll do much better

when I teach you my bags of tricks.

Mm.

That might not work out here.

There are no closets in tepees.

I was indulging in a bit of whimsy.

Ha, ha.

When I'm through training F Troop,

the fort will become obsolete.

Obsolete? Absolutely.

With the Bently Royce tactics,

F Troop will become a roving band

of highly trained fighters,

with the ability to harass the enemy

by roaming behind his lines.

W-w-wouldn't we still need the fort?

I shall also teach your men to, uh,

ahem... live off the land.

Live off the land?

We're having enough trouble surviving the mess hall, sir.

Oh, you'll be amazed how little food

the human body requires.

I was once trapped in the Khyber Pass

with a squadron of the 10th Gurkha Rifles.

They managed to live for a whole week

on nothing but curried cartridge belts.

Madras style, of course.

I must say, sir, that our cartridge belts

are not that tasty.

Yeah, I tried to eat one the other day for dessert,

and it was awful.

Oh, Wilton. I-I'm sorry.

I didn't know you were busy.

Excuse me.

No man is ever too busy

to talk to a beautiful lady.

Well, I really don't know what to say.

Don't say anything.

Just stand there looking beautiful.

Uh... Wrangler Jane, this is Major Phantom.

No, no, no. "The Phantom Major."

Oh, yes, yes. Major Bently Royce

of the Bengal Lancers.

A living legend.

Well, I'm very happy to meet you, major.

The pleasure is mine, I assure you.

And now, if you'll excuse me,

I must retire to my quarters.

It's been a long journey.

Excuse me.

Pardon me.

I'll show you to your quarters.

May I have the pleasure of your company

at, uh, tea, memsahib?

Shucks, I guess so.

You will give this to my orderly, captain.

Till later then.

Shall we?

Cheer ho.

My. Ain't he dashing?

Oh, I don't know.

What's so dashing about him?

Oh.

Oh, Wilton. Wilton, are you all right?

I'm all right. I'm all right.

Well, it looks like the end of O'Rourke Enterprises.

And this ain't gonna help our partners,

the Hekawis, either.

Yeah, well, don't worry, Agarn.

Well...

it's pretty tough to look after business

when we're running around the country

eating cartridge belts.

We still got an ace in the hole.

What's that?

He hasn't seen his pupils yet.

Wait till he gets a load of F Troop.

Then "The Phantom Major" may disappear altogether.

And I looked up, and here with this lion,

quivering with irritation. Ooh.

Oh. I'm sorry.

I didn't know she was there.

Agh. Are you all right, Jane?

Uh, yeah. I think so.

A cup of tea will soothe your nerves.

Oh, thank you. I could use it.

Not you, her.

Captain, sir, the troop is waiting.

Oh, yes. Yes, sergeant.

Get off. Get your hands off.

You're absolutely mad.

I'll pull the chair for her.

Uh, won't you sit down, my dear?

Captain! They're waiting!

All right, corporal.

Now look what you've done.

Oh. Sorry.

My dear, here. Let me.

I think you better leave before you kill her.

I'll be right back, Jane.

Don't hurry, Wilton.

Troop, ten-hut!

Shall I be mother?

Right face!

Uh... Those facing left, right face.

Those facing right, left face.

Uh, face me.

Good work, men.

Don't you think we ought to give our honored guest

a cannon salute?

Oh. Good idea, sergeant.

Gunners, man your cannon.

Uh, captain.

We'll take care of it for you.

Major Bently Royce, F Troop salutes you.

Thank you. Carry on, chaps.

Present... arm.

Fire.

Agarn.

Well... good shot.

Jane, I... Here.

Oh, major... I'm sorry.

Captain Parmenter...

I'm leaving.

I'll help you pack.

No, no, no. I'm just going to replace my tea service.

You mean that you wanna stay here and train us

after what you just saw?

With the Bently Royce method of Indian warfare,

I told you I would make the fort obsolete.

I will now demonstrate how to make the cannon obsolete.

Men of F Troop,

today is your first field maneuver

in the new style of Indian fighting.

Phase one: The art of infiltration

through camouflage.

Tomorrow, we are going to be reviewed

by my commanding officer, Colonel Willoughby,

and your inspector general, Colonel Saunders.

I want to show them

what a crack troop you have become.

Oh, major. Yes, horse?

Uh, what do we do if somebody tries to saddle us?

Give him a sharp kick with your hoof.

With your permission, captain,

I shall take the troop out for a maneuver.

Uh, permission granted.

Bugler, blow "Assembly."

Troop, left turn!

That means left face!

By the front... double march!

Hup, two, three, four.

Hup, two, three, four.

Hup, two, three, four.

Hup, two, three, four.

Hup, two, three, four.

Hup, two, three, four.

Hup, two, three, four.

With the captain's permission, sir,

I'd like to say that Major Bently Royce is cracking up.

I think they get that way

from riding camels.

Shakes the brains loose.

Yeah, it's embarrassing, sir.

Can't you just see it?

Someday a kid will turn to his father and say,

"Daddy, what did you do in the Indian War?"

And the father will say,

"I was a tree stump in F Troop."

Well, men, I'm not too happy

about things myself,

but we have to follow orders.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to get into my tumbleweed outfit. Huh.

Greetings, great white partners.

Hi, Wild Eagle.

Greetings, chief.

Long time no see.

Listen, we got a little trouble down at the fort.

If you have trouble,

must remember wise old Indian saying:

"Bullfrog who sits on lily pad

never do much croaking."

What's so wise about that?

You know wiser saying?

Well, now, listen.

We got some bad news, see?

They sent out this guy to...

Tsk, tsk. Sarge, hold it.

What's the matter?

The tree. It may be listening.

Come on.

Like I was saying, chief,

we're in trouble, see.

If you two think tree listens,

you in big trouble.

You don't understand.

A couple of days ago, you see,

they sent this fellow out from...

Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.

All right, Vanderbilt!

I know you're in there. Come on out!

Do you hear me, Vanderbilt?!

That's an order!

The horse is for real, I think. Huh.

Why not you two go to medicine man's tepee,

lie down on cot.

Let's, uh... Let's not take any chances.

Come on. Step over here.

Now listen, chief...

Hold it, sarge. What's the matter?

They might be in there.

There.

I go lay down in medicine man's tepee.

Chief.

All right! Come on out!

Ah! Ow! Ah!

I think you and friend better give up firewater.

You don't understand.

Now, look, they sent this man out

to teach us new ways to fight Indians.

Nothing personal, chief.

We've gotta get rid of him.

Hekawis very happy to help.

Our tribe,

very brave warriors, except for one thing.

What's that?

We faint a lot.

Well, I have a plan that I think may work.

Shh. Safer in the tepee, sir.

Uh... You're right. Come on.

Is that you, Duffy?

My name Wild Turkey.

See you at Thanksgiving.

Agarn...

any sign of Wild Eagle's signal yet?

No, not yet. He'd better hurry.

The inspector general and that British colonel

are gonna be here this afternoon.

Uh, chief won't let us down. You think not?

He needs us as much as we need him.

Well, I hope you're right.

There it is.

Hey, yeah, we're in.

Come on.

As I was strolling through this Bengalese jungle,

I suddenly came face to face

with this enraged bull elephant.

Looking him firmly in the eye,

I gave the beast a sharp wrap on the trunk,

and he was mine.

Oh, how exciting. Wasn't it, Wilton?

Wilton.

Uh. Oh, yeah.

Yes, I... I love tiger stories.

Captain, sir, I think the Hekawis are on the warpath.

What? What makes you think so?

Smoke signals, sir.

By Jove.

I wonder what the beggars are saying.

Sergeant O'Rourke is the only one who reads smoke.

Yes, well, they're, uh, calling in all the braves.

I'm afraid this may mean trouble, sir.

Maybe we better do a little scouting, sarge.

You're right. With the captain's permission.

Right.

Oh, wait a minute, sarge.

With the captain's permission,

maybe Major Bently Royce would like to test out

his new style of Indian fighting

through the art of infiltration through camouflage.

Hey, are you loco?

This is not a training maneuver.

I think those Indians may mean business.

Hold on.

I think going out there is a smashing idea.

Uh, but isn't your colonel arriving this afternoon

with the inspector general?

I assure you, we'll be back in plenty of time.

Keep the pot hot, my dear.

I'll get my tree and be right with you.

I still think you ought to take

a few more men with you on the scouting, sergeant.

No, we can handle this, captain.

Don't forget, sir.

We've got "The Phantom Major" with us.

Yes, the living legend.

Well, I'd still feel a lot better

if you'd at least take another tree stump.

Don't worry about a thing.

We can handle this very nicely.

All right, let's have it.

Fall in, Agarn.

Here we go.

Lead me to the outskirts of the camp

so I can see what the beggars are planning.

Go up ahead and reconnoiter.

Do what, sir?

Observe the terrain.

Go and see if there's anybody there.

Why didn't you say so in the first place?

Running Deer, Crazy Cat, follow me.

We get that tree.

Steady on.

Have a care there.

You beastly bounders.

Care for another spot, colonel?

No, no. No, thanks.

Wilton, don't you think

you ought to send a scouting party

to see what happened to the major?

You're right.

I'll lead the party myself.

No cause for worrying, old boy.

Good man, Bently Royce.

Yeah, that's right, Parmenter.

This man is a living legend.

That's what he keeps telling us...

every day.

Open the gate.

Oh. Sergeant O'Rourke and

Corporal Agarn reporting, sir.

Where's Major Bently Royce?

Terrible thing happened, sir.

He was captured.

By the Indians?

No, sir, by another tree.

I don't believe it.

Not "The Phantom Major."

Look.

Wilton. It's a note from the Hekawis.

The Hekawis? What does it say?

"Old Hekawi saying:

You never can fool Indian with sap in tree."

A shattering experience. Felled by another tree.

Well, colonel, that means we'll have to give up

the idea of infiltration through camouflage.

Why don't you have a cup of tea, major?

It will soothe your nerves.

What time is it?

About 4.

A bit early. Think I should?

Oh, yes, major, good idea.

Look, another smoke signal.

Oh, don't tell me the beggars

are going on the warpath again.

Uh, what does it say, Sergeant O'Rourke?

Uh, "Please disregard previous message."

Well, it's sure good to have

O'Rourke Enterprises back in business.

Yeah, that's fine.

But we gotta get over to the saloon right away.

I saw a drunk in there last night.

He really must have been eating a lot of that minced pie.

Now, what were you saying, Wilton?

Really, Jane, they almost caught us.