Original subtitles

In the closing months of the war between the states,

ultimate victory has been reduced

to a question of supply.

Nowhere are shortages felt more keenly

than in the headquarters tent

of a certain general of the Union Armies.

Where's my laundry?

I'll, uh, send Parmenter

for it immediately, sir.

Wilton Parmenter, Quartermaster Corps,

member of a proud Philadelphia family

with great military traditions.

He, too, has found a place to serve:

private in charge of officer's laundry.

And no starch!

Parmenter has come through with the underwear

many times under fire.

An awesome responsibility.

But this time, fate takes a hand.

An excess of pollen fills the air.

Ke-char!

You heard him, men! Charge!

And so, within a matter of days,

victory came to the Union forces.

And Wilton Parmenter, Quartermaster Corps,

became a man of destiny,

the Scourge of Appomattox.

Members of the Parmenter family

assembled to observe the ceremonies

honoring Wilton Parmenter.

Wilton's first cousin, Major Achilles Parmenter.

His second cousin,

Lieutenant Colonel Hercules Parmenter.

His uncle, Colonel Jupiter Parmenter.

And his father, General Thor X. Parmenter.

Heroes, all.

In splendid tradition, they gathered here to pay honor

to another member of the Parmenter family:

Wilton Parmenter, the Scourge of Appomattox.

They watch proudly as he stepped forward

to receive his just reward...

from a grateful country.

Promotion to captain, the Medal of Honor...

and the Purple Heart.

He was the only soldier in history ever to get a medal

for getting a medal.

Well, Parmenter, we've got to find an assignment

befitting the Scourge of Appomattox

Sir, they've gone through three commanding officers

at Fort Courage.

Two desertions and a... nervous breakdown.

Fort Courage, eh?

Ah, good thinking, Wormsbecker.

At a frontier post like that,

he might be just the inspirational leader they need.

Captain Parmenter, as of this moment,

you are the commanding officer of F Troop.

Come in.

Oh, good morning, sergeant, corporal.

Sir, Sergeant O'Rourke and Corporal Agarn

reporting for duty.

Uh, F Troop is assembled for

the captain's first inspection.

Good. Good.

May I, sir?

Oh, yes. Yes.

Yeah.

Ah, thank you, sergeant. Thank you.

Oh, just one moment.

I'd...

I'd like to hang up this picture of my family.

We'd be honored, sir.

Ah, Major Achilles Parmenter,

Lieutenant Colonel Hercules Parmenter,

Colonel Jupiter Parmenter,

General Thor Parmenter.

And now, Captain Wilton Parmenter.

Uh, m-m-mickanawa what?

Oh, that's, uh, Hekawi, sir. Uh, Indian.

It means, "Scourge of the West."

Oh, no. No, no. I was never west before.

I wa... I was called the sc...

I'm afraid the captain's reputation has preceded him.

It has? Oh, yes, sir.

Corporal Agarn.

Would you see that the troop is ready

for the captain's inspection.

Oh.

Uh... "Reveille." "Reveille"... Ah! Uh...

Okay.

Are... Are you hurt, sir?

I'm all right, sergeant.

Ha. I-I fall down a lot.

You know...

You know, my... My father used to say that...

That I had more left feet than any kid in Philadelphia.

Well, for a... For a general, that's pretty funny.

Oh, yes.

Sergeant...

it's time for me to take command.

All right, now, let's look alive.

It's all you have to do all day,

so let's do it right!

Svigson!

If you're awake, let your face know about it.

Gravy stains, Duddleson? Gravy stains?

Look at you! You're a mess!

Forget it.

F Troop all present and accounted for, sir.

Good work, corporal.

Men...

you're in the army now.

I, uh...

have never heard that put so well, sir.

Heh. Good. Good work, corporal.

Oh. Oh, uh, sergeant, I've been meaning to ask you.

How come we have "Reveille" at 10:00?

Now, back East, when I was in the Quartermaster Corps,

we had "Reveille" at 7.

Yo, but that captain is forgetting

there's a... A three-hour time difference.

Of course.

Yes.

Beg your pardon. Mm.

Solider, you've got a button missing.

Yes, sir. It's been missing for over a month.

Oh.

Well... keep looking.

It's bound to be around someplace.

Mail call for Fort Courage!

Pick it up at the trading post!

Eh, troop dismissed.

Ashby.

Billy.

Fleischman.

Captain, I'd like to present to you,

Miss Jane Angelica Thrift.

Janey, this is Captain Wilton Parmenter.

I'm happy to know you, Miss Thrift.

Shucks. You just call me Wrangler.

Or Janey.

I run the trading post here in town.

Oh, we'll be seeing something of each other, I imagine.

You can bet a bucket of buzzards we will.

Here. This was right on top of the heap.

Dispatch from Washington.

Oh. Well, what do you suppose they want?

Oh, ser-sergeant,

we've got to get things straightened up around the post.

Company's coming tomorrow.

Oh?

Yes, a Second Lieutenant Hawkes

from the Inspector General's office.

Darn it, I just got here yesterday.

Oh, well,

now, don't you worry about a thing, captain.

We'll have everything as slick as a greasy whistle.

Be seeing you around, captain.

Well, I'm sure the captain wants to prepare himself

for the inspection.

The sergeant is right, sir.

Well, I guess I could go check my manual.

It's bound to have something in it about what you do

with a second lieutenant. Yeah.

Ah. Dobbs!

From now on, you're the captain's orderly.

He'll see you to your quarters, captain.

Good. Good. Uh, thank you, sergeant.

Right this way, captain.

Excuse me.

And to think, that little guy is a Parmenter.

I tell you, sarge, he's the pigeon

we've always dreamed of.

Yeah, and now we get him.

"Scourge of the West."

Man coming out from the Inspector General's office,

that could be the end of O'Rourke Enterprises.

Sending in those phony reports

about knocking off two tribes in two weeks.

Drawing rations for 30 men when we only got 17.

I tell you something, if that snoop finds out

how peaceful it really is around here,

they'll be no more Fort Courage.

A hundred and five.

I think I'm gonna be sick.

I am sick!

Come on!

Huh.

Look at all this beautiful loot.

Arrows, quivers, bows, shields, tomahawks.

Two hundred souvenir war bonnets.

Four barrels of perfumed war paint.

What's the use in counting all this stuff, sarge?

When that lieutenant gets here...

Hey, wait a minute!

Is that all the whiskey I got?

Now, how do you expect me to run a saloon

with a half a case of whiskey?

I told you, sarge. Chief Wild Eagle says

they need a copper coil for the still.

All right, get one.

Tell supply it's something to...

That'll repair the cannon with.

What did you say?

The still's busted.

No! Who said it?

Chief Wild Eagle.

Wild Eagle. Huh? Oh, that's the answer.

To what?

Listen. I got rid of two captains and a major, didn't I?

Yeah.

Now, I ought to be able to handle one nosy lieutenant

from the Inspector General's office.

Uh, tonight, you and I pay a visit

to the bloodthirsty Hekawi.

Wild Eagle, my brother.

You some brother.

Still, still busted.

How you expect Hekawi make firewater?

We'll get you a new coil. And when we do,

stop holding out liquor for the tribe.

Indians ain't supposed to drink alcohol.

Who says so?

Everybody. Yeah.

Ah, that just nasty rumor,

spread by sister-in-law, Sparkling Water.

She one big bluenose redskin.

Bluenose redskin.

Wild Eagle make funny joke!

Listen, W.E.

There's a snoop lieutenant

coming out here from Washington.

And we gotta convince him we're having Injun trouble.

So how about attacking the fort?

Attack you? Yeah.

You honorary Hekawi.

No, chief, not a real fight.

We'll shoot over your heads,

you shoot over ours.

What are friends for?

Okay, look, I-I'll fire the cannon as a signal,

and you just run up and make a lot of noise.

Nobody gets hurt.

You got wrong tribe, brother.

Hekawis not fight. Theys invent peace pipe.

Hekawis not mad at nobody.

Listen, Wild Eagle, either you're gonna fight

or you're gonna go back to hunting and fishing.

And weaving your own blankets!

We fight. Ah.

Wait. What?

How we fight?

Must do war dance first.

All right, so do war dance.

Not remember war dance.

Hekawi too peaceful.

Hey.

Any you boys remember war dance?

See? Nobody remember war dance.

Hey, how about the medicine man?

Him big quack, but I ask. All right.

Hey! Roaring Chicken!

Somebody sick?

Need soup?

Come on double. We hold powwow.

Powwow?

What is "powwow?"

Oh, he's gonna be a lot of help.

Have a little respect, will you?

Why... he's old enough to be your father.

Him very old Eastern boy. Come from good family in Ohio.

Doc.

You ever see war dance?

Oh.

I see war dance many moons ago.

Many, many, many moons.

You and your moons.

When?

Forty-two years ago, last August.

War dance very much like, um,

rain dance, only drier.

You run around fire.

You jump up and down... Ah!

Hm. And look savage.

That ain't no war dance!

No?

No. Look, sarge,

you and the chief get your signal straight

about the cannon.

I'll take the boys and show them how to do a war dance.

All right, come on you braves. Follow me.

Nice, bouncy four.

One and two and three and four...

Come on, boys. What's the life?

Hear me, Shug warriors.

No kill.

Follow.

They lead us to fort.

Shugs attack.

We kill... many paleface.

All right, now you get this straight.

When them Hekawis attack, you aim over their heads.

And if you shake loose so much as one feather,

I'll transfer you all to another outfit.

A fighting outfit.

Right.

Hey fellas, here comes the inspector.

Troop... attention.

Present arms.

Lieutenant Jefferson Hawkes reporting, sir,

on orders from the Inspector General.

Put up... arms!

Is this all of F troop?

Oh no, no.

No, uh, Franklin's upstairs doing sentry duty.

We're pretty military around here.

Would you like to inspect the troop?

You draw rations and pay allotments for 30 men.

Where are the others?

Yeah, they're out on, uh, patrol.

That's right. That's right.

Uh, they've been out on that patrol since before I got here.

That's interesting.

How do they draw their rations and pay?

Oh, they're Indian scouts.

They sneak in during the dead of night.

Sneak out before dawn.

Oh?

Oh.

Mm.

Sir! The troops are waiting to be dismissed. Mm.

Good. You're dismissed.

Come on, lieutenant,

I'll show you to your quarters.

Gee, I'm glad you're here.

Maybe you and I can have an officers' club.

Captain, I got this as a welcoming present for you.

Put your initials on it myself.

Oh. Well, will you look at that?

Oh.

This is nice and slippery for a fast draw, see.

Oh, thank you, Janey.

Gee, isn't that something? Gorgeous.

S-say, why... Why don't we all go inside

and have a nice chat?

Who did that?!

Oh, oh! Captain, captain. My goodness.

There's an awful lot of Indians out there.

The ferocious Hekawis are about to attack.

Injun attack.

Uh, uh... Uh, Dobbs, blow the charge.

The attack. Uh... Blow the bugle.

What happened? Nobody fired the cannon?

Oh, them dumb Hekawis. They don't do anything right!

Ahh!

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You ain't supposed to be in here!

The fight's outside the other gate.

Ah! "Kemano-shish negood" yourself.

And get the still fixed!

Yes. Indian attack...

Yeah.

Ah... Yeah. There, there, there.

Will you look at them Hekawis.

Like a bunch of wild Indians.

Hey, what are you trying to do, kill somebody?

Well, ain't that the general idea?

Already got three of them.

What am I gonna tell the chief?

She'll wipe out the whole tribe.

Hey, uh, hold out now.

Cut out now, will you, Wrangler, please?

Cut that out.

Hopping horn toads!

Hey, they sure missed you close.

Some Hekawis are getting good.

What do you mean, Hekawis? They're the Shugs.

The Shugs!

Commence firing.

But for real. It's the Shug.

Dobbs, where's my sword?

It's right there in the umbrella stand.

Oh, captain.

Charge!

Charge!

Captain!

Won't you need this part?

Hey, somebody get that arrow out of there.

Yeah, I'll take care of it, sergeant.

Whoa-oh!

Whoa!

Captain Parmenter, look out!

Captain Parmenter! Scourge of the West!

Run!

Hey, they're retreating.

The captain scared them off!

Ha-ha!

Hooray!

Oh, yes, sir.

We'll call them trophies of the Shug War.

Genuine Indian headdresses taken in hand-to-hand combat.

Tomtoms. Feels like tomtoms.

We'll print a little booklet

about the long and bloody campaign.

I can see it now.

My War with the Shugs by Morgan O'Rourke, as told...

Will you cut that out. The battle's over.

A hundred and seven.

Have a ballad written.

It'll be played in every saloon west of the Mississippi River.

"The Legend of Morgan O'Rourke."

Oh, we'll clean up. Hey, make a note of that, Agarn.

Get somebody who'll work cheap.

Sarge. My heart. Feel my heart.

Will you stop that?

Now, Agarn, just think for a minute.

In a few days, the still will be finished.

That snoop lieutenant will be gone.

And O'Rourke Enterprises will be back in business.

Sarge. What?

What happened to the Hekawis?

That Shug arrow you took in the hat

must have gone through your memory too.

That's right. The cannon.

Uh-huh. No signal, no Hekawi attack.

But now we're back in business.

No more worries, no more cares.

With Captain Wilton Parmenter,

the Scourge of the West, in command.

Hey we'll take inventory tomorrow. Come on.

Sergeant asked me

to give you this report, captain.

"Shugs lost 24 men.

We got seven. And Miss Wrangler got 17."

Well, uh, what did we loose?

One ladder.

Ah. And I busted my good sword.

Hm. Five o'clock.

Why, don't you have a retreat at this post?

What? We won. Why should we...

Oh, oh, oh. That kind of retreat...

Ta-taking down the flag.

Let's go, Hannibal.

Captain, I can't play retreat.

That's the one I don't know how to play yet.

What do you usually play?

"Yankee Doodle," sir.

Oh.

Well, that's nice.

You play that, and I'll shoot the cannon.

Captain, don't do that!

That's the signal.

Don't fire the cannon. It'll wreck everything!

Here, captain, you don't know what you're doing.

Sorry, men, it's time for retreat.

Back!

Captain! The Hekawis are attacking.

To the parapets. Charge!