Original subtitles

♪ Oh, darling

♪ I love you in the morning

♪ I love you in the afternoon

Chuck, you know I love you.

Of course, Betty. I love you too.

And I know I've made you wait a long time.

Yeah.

A long time.

Well tonight, that all ends.

What do you mean?

Chuck, tonight is the night

I'm going to give myself to you.

I'm ready to take things to the next level.

Are you sure?

We're gonna do it?

All right.

♪ Oh, darling

♪ Whatever I have to do ♪

♪ Oh, pretty baby

♪ How I'm in love with you

♪ Your eyes, they hypnotize me

♪ Your walk is so divine ♪

♪ So I will keep on asking you

♪ Until you will be mine

♪ Whoa, darlin'

♪ I love you I the morning

♪ I love you in the afternoon

♪ How soon will you love me

That was awesome.

Yeah.

But...

now that my virginity is behind us,

I think I'm ready to take things to the next level.

What do you mean?

I thought we just did.

Come on, Chuck, don't be coy.

You know what I mean.

Anal.

Seriously?

Yeah, I love you, Chuck,

and I know you love me.

♪ Giddyup horsie

♪ Come on, let go

Yeah.

♪ Who's riding your pony

♪ Holy poly

yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Wow.

I know.

That fucking ruled!

But...

But what?

Well, it's just now that the ass sex

is in the bag,

I think we're ready to take things to the next level.

What other level is there?

Next level!

Who are they?

Next level!

Next level!

Next level!

No more levels.

I'll be right back.

Maybe I rush things.

♪ Sex me up

♪ And I'll sex you down

♪ Whatever you want

♪ Is my command

♪ I'm into S&M

♪ I'm neither butch or fam

♪ And now don't you understand

♪ I'm into any ma'am

♪ Sex me up

♪ And I'll sex you down

♪ I get on the floor

♪ I turn around

♪ Get on my hands and knees

♪ On your command I freeze

♪ I hope this never cease

♪ Come get me won't you please

♪ But she won't hold me

♪ And she won't squeeze me

♪ Do what you told me

♪ She lover please now

♪ 'Cause she won't hold me

♪ And she won't squeeze me

♪ Do what you told me

♪ She'll only tease me

♪ Hey

♪ She said hey

♪ I said hey sex me up

♪ And I'll sex you down

♪ Sex me up

♪ And I'll sex you down

♪ Sex me up and I'll sex you down ♪

Remember, students,

it's Sexual Awareness Month.

Gentlemen, pick up your free condoms in the gym.

And, ladies...

Oh, I got Leila tonight.

- Same chick as the night before? - You crazy?

I can't have the same chick coming around

two nights in a row.

That's bordering on a relationship right there.

I like to play the field.

This is exactly what I don't understand.

How does he do it?

He just goes out and gets it done, man.

That's how he does it.

You can't sit around and wait for Santa

to bring you some ass under the tree.

Dude, how psyched are you for first period?

Mr. Matthews' sex ed class.

Man, the dude's a total freak.

Can't wait to go on there and talk about

all the ass we've slammed.

It's gonna be awesome, bro.

No doubt, bro.

I can't take this class.

Why not?

Why not? Did you not just hear that conversation?

Yeah. What did he say, how much ass we've slammed?

- Yeah, bro. - Exactly. No.

The class is just gonna be with a bunch of pervs

who are open about their sex lives.

And frankly, I don't have one.

That's sad. You're not bad-looking.

And your legs work.

And I'm not gonna have sex with just anybody

'cause I know that's what you two

are thinking right now, sorry.

Not gonna happen.

Doesn't have to just be anybody.

Look, look, look. How about you start off

with a nice little virgin like Betty?

Hey, Betty.

Okay, everyone, bring it on in.

We got a lot to do and little time to cover it.

I can feel the sexuality brewing in here already.

Oh, no. Stacy's in this class?

What do you mean, oh, no?

You've been trying to tap that since the fifth grade?

This is an opportunity.

You're in a class with her.

Go talk to her!

- What would I say? - Listen,

all a girl wants is for you to be yourself.

So do that, be yourself.

Or just shake your dick at her.

You know, whatever feels right.

Hi.

- Hello. - Hello.

Hey, Stacy.

It looks like we're gonna be having sex together.

What?

Ed. Class.

Sex ed class together.

I'm sorry, just [babbling], you know, woo!

Bye.

Yeah, later.

My name is Mr. Matthews.

First off, there is no teachers in here.

Just a bunch of people exploring their sexuality, right?

So once you enter through that door,

you're coming through a no-bullshit zone.

That's right. I said bullshit, huh?

We're keeping it real in here, people.

Now listen up.

Teen sexuality is a living, breathing thing.

And we're gonna explore that concept

from every different angle

we can get our greasy little hands on.

And you're gonna share.

I'm gonna share right now.

Hell, I've had sex with koi fish.

There, I said it.

Sometimes you find me naked

down the bottom of a funball pool

at your local fast food restaurant.

True story. Okay.

Let's do a little role playing exercise in here.

I want each and every one of you

to decide that you're gonna have sex with someone

for the very first time.

Okay, partner up, people.

Stacy needs a partner.

Seize the day, bro.

Man, screw the day.

Seize the booty.

That's a good union there.

I like that. I saw that when I came in.

Mr. Matthews?

Yes?

I don't think there's any girls left.

Mike, human sexuality isn't always

between man and woman.

Stand up, Doug.

Class, I'd like to introduce you

to our first gay couple, Mike and Doug.

Just because they'll be experimenting

with man-on-man lovemaking

and assorted homo-buggery,

don't treat them any differently.

Mike, I think you're gonna be on bottom.

Okay.

I'll be the stay-at-home dad.

Oh, wow.

So, Matt, what advice do you have

for young people about sex?

Advice. Uh...

Guys, be responsible.

You know, always wear a rubber.

Of course it feels way better to do it without one.

Unless, of course, it's a Vietnamese hooker.

And then I think you just take your chances.

As long as there's a naked chick somewhere in the room,

you are not gay.

If you have an STD, do not tell your partner.

It is a lose-lose situation.

Fellas, be nice to your partner.

In the morning, if she needs a ride home,

point her to the nearest bus stop

before you go back to sleep.

Be a good guy.

Today, one out of three young adults

has a sexually transmitted disease.

And letting a former hookup know

that you've got genital cooties can be pretty hard.

Now there's an easier way.

At STD-E-cards, you can share the bad news

with one click.

Pick from such messages as

"You gave me your heart, I gave you gonorrhea."

Or "Thanks for the blowjob, sorry about the herpes."

- It's from Kevin! - That hot guy

that you hooked up with this weekend?

- Yeah. - What's it say?

"Roses are red, violets are blue.

I gave you syphilis when we screwed at the zoo."

That was easy.

STD-E-cards,

where bad news travels fast.

Attention, students.

Prom is fast approaching.

Get your free STD screening in the nurses' office.

Hi, Carla.

Oh, hey.

Hey, listen, I know it's kind of last minute,

but I wanna know if you maybe wanna go to the prom

with me tonight.

Oh, I'm sorry, Justin,

someone already asked me three weeks ago.

Oh, okay. That's all right.

But have fun, though.

I've been using these

since the Eisenhower administration.

Can I help you?

Huh?

Nuh-uh, no.

She's a real beaut, isn't she?

This just isn't right.

I wish we've met years ago.

♪ So much love

♪ You've given me so much love

♪ Every day

♪ The one thing I can count on ♪

♪ So much love ♪

♪ Like a river with no end

I've always wanted to see the Grand Canyon too.

♪ You brought me love

♪ Yes dream come true

♪ Everyday with you, so much love ♪

Justin. I haven't seen you around much lately.

I've been busy.

Well, prom wasn't the same without you.

- Really? - Yeah.

I was wondering if we could go out sometime.

- Me and you? - Dinner?

Maybe Saturday night?

And just when I thought

the night could not get any worse,

he pukes all over my dress.

It was horrible.

I'm sure you still looked beautiful, though.

Thanks, but I didn't.

I had vomit all over me.

You're so amazing.

You really are.

What, no, that's ridiculous.

I'm going to play poker with some of the guys.

Don't worry, I'll be back by 10, all right?

Hello?

Hello.

Who is this?

Anyone there?

Look, don't be a pussy.

Just tell me who it is.

Stop calling me!

Another prank call.

I know what you're up to,

and it's gotta stop.

Leave Carla alone!

It's over. Get used to it.

Where were you this morning?

I thought you were gonna watch me practice.

Oh, sorry, I forgot.

We'll are you coming to my game on Friday night?

Actually, I'm going to Len's party with Stacy.

You know what? There's someone else

who actually cares about me.

Goodbye, Carla.

Justin, where are you going?

What?

Why, why did you do this?!

Someone call 911!

Help!

Why?

Why?

So what's the kinkiest thing

you've ever done in bed?

The two of us licked whipped cream

off each other once.

That was fun.

- That was pretty kinky. - Yeah.

What about you?

I don't know.

Come on, don't act all shy.

What if my parents are watching?

Come on.

Does it have to be the kinkiest thing

that we've done together?

No, it could have been on your own.

Well.

This one time I had sex with this Black guy

while his best friend did me in the ass.

And then I sucked both their dicks

at the same time!

That was kinda kinky.

What?

- That's great. - Baby.

Bring it on in.

We got a lot to do and a little time to do it.

Wanna make sure we can cram it all in.

That's what she said.

You guys know what I'm talking about.

You gotta sit next to Stacy.

You gotta be her partner.

Yeah, man, don't be scared, go ahead.

All right. Good.

We're all getting in a circle, this is great.

Okay.

Let's talk about penises.

Yeah!

That's right, everyone.

I said the big p word.

Okay, the most common question.

What's normal?

Simple answer, there's no such thing.

Penises come in a variety of different shapes and sizes.

Huh, all righty.

As you can tell from the molds cast

from actual penises we have here.

Got them all different from all over the globe.

Now, the next one we like to call

the Fire Plug.

It's short and stocky,

but boy, when you get it excited, kablooey!

Like a sawed-off shotgun, I tell ya.

All right, what do we have next?

Now this one's called the Tadpole.

Why is it called the Tadpole?

'Cause it's got a larger head tapering down

into a smaller shaft.

We like to call this guy the Mushroom Cloud, if you will.

Yeah, I thought you'd like that one.

Oh.

Now this is an interesting one.

Looks small, but if you know how to use it,

I'll tell you it's quite a powerful weapon.

It's called the Torpedo.

You know what I mean? Or the Meat Cone.

'Cause it's got a tiny head

tapering into a large shaft.

Nice.

Hand that guy around. That's a good one.

We like to call that one the Roto Rooter.

Next we have what's called the Super Huge.

That's right.

We also like to call this the Great American Challenge.

Ladies, you're gonna love

the cervix stimulation on that guy.

Okay, this next one's interesting, all right?

I found this one online.

It's the Doubleheader, ladies and gentlemen.

It is out there, believe me.

Hand that around.

Okay everyone, pass 'em around.

Look em up and down.

Now, freeze.

Okay, gentlemen,

the penises in your hands,

that is your penis.

Ladies, put your penises down

and partner up with the person closest to you.

It looks like you got a small one, huh?

Yeah.

Okay, now I'm gonna hand out some condoms

for each group.

Here you go, everyone get a condom.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,

I'm gonna have you put the condom

on the man's penis together.

Okay, the reason I'm having you put these condoms on together

is because contraception is both partners' responsibility.

I have to say that. Sorry.

Michael, looks like you got a little room there.

That's because, Mike, you have a very small penis.

Okay everyone, let's talk about fetishes.

Now a fetish is basically an obsession

with leather, black leather,

and bits, mouth bits.

Who likes a ball in their mouth, anyone?

Oh, baby, you look so good.

You wanna do it right now, baby?

- Hell, yeah, I do. - Okay.

Oh, wait.

You know what would be even hotter?

What?

This.

You want me to wear a hat?

Oh, yeah, baby. That shit is so hot.

- Okay. - Yeah, yeah.

Wait. You know what else would be so smoking hot?

What?

This big mole.

What? Ew!

It's hot, trust me.

For me?

Fine.

Now can we do it?

Yeah.

Ronny! What the hell?

- What? - I didn't wanna say this

but you clearly wanna have sex with Abraham Lincoln.

That's crazy!

Is it?

Look around you, Ronny.

You're obsessed with him!

He was a great man.

What's wrong with paying tribute?

Paying tribute is one thing.

Trying to turn your girlfriend into him

so you can get a hard-on is another.

Yeah, I'm out of here.

Call me when you get some therapy.

Sue.

That was my last beard.

Can the transporter be fixed,

or is all hopeless for our heroines?

Will Alice and Betty make it home?

Find out next on Babes Lost in Time!

Time!

Forward into the past!

Here I come, Abe!

Ladies.

You do not, I repeat, you do not have to have sex

with a guy for him to like you.

But it helps.

You wanna remain a virgin until you're married?

Two words: butt sex.

Look,

if you like to be choked, it's okay.

Everyone likes it a little.

Just don't go too far.

Blue is a warning sign.

So what's the kinkiest thing

either one of you has ever done in bed?

- Woo! - Well, check it.

I'm at the club one night

and I meet this little white chick, right?

So next thing you know, I get in her ear, man,

and she lets me take her back to my spot

and she did me and him at the same time.

And then she blew us.

- Woo man! - You're kidding.

That girl was off the chain, man.

Hey, you know, uh, shit, what can I say?

That little little woman

had a big old 12-pound pussy, man,

where she get that from, man?

There was a lot of acrobatics

in that motherfucker, you know what I'm saying?

You know what? She was small,

but she did a lot of big things, baby.

Hey, Kim, holla at your boy, woo!

Women spend most of their time

stretching their breasts,

- adding a new ring each year. - Ooh.

They probably like it when they stretch them.

Yeah.

I know they do.

I could be there.

Holy crap! It's Saturday night.

You guys are getting stiffies watching PBS?

You're pathetic.

Get out of my room, RJ!

Whatever, knock!

Stupid.

He's right, you know.

I mean this is pathetic.

What else are we gonna do?

It's not like we can actually get laid.

Let's just watch this.

Unless we come up with a way

to build an artificial woman from your computer.

And then program her to have sex with us.

You're a genius!

This is stupid, Barry.

Shut up.

Are you sure you know what you're doing?

Relax. I'm gonna give her Halle Berry's face.

- Okay. - Beyoncé's ass.

Right.

Bam, Tyra's boobs.

Tyra probably got bigger nipples than that.

- Yeah, yeah. - Now what's all left to do

is just gotta make sure she's horny,

like really, really horny, though.

This pair of panties, right?

Where'd you get those from, your place?

All right, you ready? Ready to lose your virginity?

- Yeah, bro, I'm ready. - Say goodbye.

- Oh! - Oh, oh!

Ow, told you that was stupid, Barry.

- Be quiet, Leon. - What you thinking?

- Oh shit! - Ooh!

Woo!

So, who gonna fuck me first?

- Ooh! - Him! Him!

What the hell just happened?

Panties. They was my aunt's.

I knew, those were my aunt panties.

What you waiting for?

What, what did you say? Who was saying?

- Okay, that's nasty. - Where you going?

That's nasty. Where you going?

Leon! Leon!

Don't go! Leon!

Well. I guess that means you first.

No, it don't have to mean that.

Come give mama a taste of that sweet chocolate!

What you talking about? Chocolate ain't sweet.

I'm your human sex toy,

and I don't come with no off button!

Listen I think--

You don't even have to wear no jimmy hat!

Save your energy, I plan on coming a lot tonight!

Come out, come out, wherever you are!

Too big for me!

You're too big for me!

Your ball sack is about to get cracked!

Oh, please let me go!

Please, Jesus!

You're good.

I don't want no more. I don't want no more.

No, I don't want it!

You broke my bed.

She's so big, why's she so big?

I must have--

I probably hit F1 instead of enter, I don't know.

Here I come.

This time your ass is mine!

No, it's not!

No, it's not!

This is my ass!

It's not yours!

Barry? Leon?

"Press enter now"?

♪ Yeah

♪ Looking good baby

- ♪ Mami's looking bueno ♪ - Whoa!

You're cute.

How old are you?

Old enough.

♪ Here we go

I know you're probably too young

to be thinking about marriage.

But take it from me,

if you find somebody

that you want to spend the rest of your life with,

there's nothing better.

Thanks, sweetie.

But, before you get married,

make sure you explore all your options, guys.

And bone as many chicks as you can.

Well, ladies, be sure you take the long way

through Dick Town too.

I bagged at least 50 guys

before I met this asshole sitting next to me here.

And a group of girls too.

And it was no accident that I invited

the electrician and the plumber on the same day.

Ooh, woo, real hot.

Guys, listen up.

If you're planning on having a threesome,

you better do it before you get married.

But trust me, there's no better sensation

than two women making out

while riding your Johnson.

I almost forgot.

Book yourself a ticket to--

Try sleeping with your fiancée's best man

and his brother

at the wedding reception.

Very hot.

Great.

Oh.

That's nice.

Oh shit.

Dammit, dammit, dammit!

Honey, dinner's ready!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, this is bad.

Can you pass the mashed potatoes, please?

Certainly.

Thank you.

Mmm, everything is delicious, dear.

Did you pick up your condoms for the prom?

Yeah, they gave 'em out for free at school today.

- They did? - Yeah.

Great.

Thanks, though.

Honey, is your vagina ringing?

Dad.

That's ridiculous.

Sounded like it.

Okay.

We've learned a lot here. Class dismissed.

I'll see you all tomorrow.

And remember your permission slips for the field trip.

These permission slips are no joke, people, okay?

If you can't find your parents,

they're in their bedroom doing it.

It's okay, I know, we still love them.

Okay, yeah [laughing].

He totally wished he could.

Totally.

Hey, Stace, Jess.

Hey.

So, listen, Stace, um...

Mike, can I talk to you for a second?

Later?

- Yes. - Awesome.

Okay.

So, Mike.

How are things going with you and Stacy?

Great, we're really good friends. We've been--

Hey, don't bullshit a bullshitter, bro.

I know you're into Stacy.

You wanna, uh, rap about it?

Yeah, I mean, I like Stacy.

- Mmm. - A lot.

- Mmm. - I mean, what do I do?

How do I tell her how I feel?

Ah, that's a good question.

You don't.

I don't?

No you don't.

You see, Mike, a girl like Stacy is, ooh,

way out of your league.

Way.

What? What do you mean?

I thought you were all about breaking the rules

or there are no rules and that we're all equal.

I am. Just not when it comes to you and Stacy.

You see, Mike,

a girl like Stacy, to get her,

boy, you need like a truckload of cough syrup

and a vat of malt liquor.

Really mellow her out, you know what I mean?

But not knock her out.

That's a whole different class all together.

- What? - Mike, you need to go after

something more attainable.

You need to find somebody

who's a lot less prettier.

You might have to go up a few weight classes.

A little more than you're uncomfortable with, probably,

a buck 50, two bills, I'm not sure.

Somebody who hasn't seen the light of day

in quite a long time.

Acne, scars, fangs for teeth, bad hygiene,

retarded if you will.

What? Hey.

Sometimes keeping it real hurts, little bro.

But in the end,

we're all stronger people.

Now go out there and get an ugly chick.

Or a whore.

Good luck.

Good talk.

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Come on, guys.

Flaccitra.

This is nice, baby, yeah.

Lizzy, relax.

Everybody farts.

This is huge.

We crossed the fart barrier.

Really?

Ah.

See, it's nothing.

I do feel comfortable with you.

Damn!

Now that's just nasty.

When did you lose your virginity?

Oh, I was like totally in 11th grade

and I had sex with Carl Little

in his parents' Winnebago.

Wait, I thought I was your first.

First one in December, maybe.

I'm a total whore! Woo!

But I love you.

And I love you, Carl Little.

Brad!

Brad Little.

Brad Taylor!

Whatever.

The point is, sluts need love too.

And a whole lot of dick, am I right?

Woo! Ha ha!

Oh, my God! [moaning]

Hey, man, she was riding you like a pogo stick huh,

up and down, up and down.

Hold on, hold on, it gets better.

- Wait for it. - I'm gonna cum!

- I'm gonna cum! - Now.

Oh, my God!

Oooh!

Let me introduce you to the screamer.

Griffin, this chick is amazing.

Which is why I invited her over here today.

- Yes, sir. - And we're gonna be right here

to make sure you go through with it.

We got your little sister's baby monitor

hooked up in your room.

And we're gonna have the other end right here

so we can listen in.

No, not happening, guys.

- Not happening? - No.

- Yes. - No.

- No. - That's what you think.

Oh, too late.

Go ahead.

Hi, I'm Mike.

Where's your room?

♪ Oh, my God, oh shit

♪ Oh, my God

♪ I can't believe this

Come here.

♪ Oh, shit

Whoa, you taking your shirt off immediately like that,

it's kind of tough for me to say no.

Ooh, you hear that, man?

Her shirt just came off. It's on!

Oh, it is on, all right.

Put it in me.

Why don't I just grab some earplugs real quick?

Man oh, hell, no, man, is it broke?

What are you waiting for?

I'm sorry.

I can't do this.

What?

There's this girl in my high school,

and I really like her.

Great.

I didn't have a backup plan.

Now I gotta go fuck a trucker

or a cab driver or a homeless guy.

Do you possibly think that

maybe you could go through the back door?

Just so you know,

you're giving up a sure thing.

Your friend said that you were desperate for it.

Last chance.

Man, all this settin' up we did,

he better not be pussin' out.

He's definitely pussing out.

Let's go see what's going on with the dumbass.

You like that, don't you?

Ha-ha, we back in action.

Yeah, Mike, [laughing] yes!

Yeah, ha-ha!

Oh man, you hear that?

Yeah.

Ride it, ride it!

My boy's going strong to the hole, tell him.

She's going nuts!

She wasn't that crazy with me!

Hi, have you guys seen my purse?

♪ Booty booty booty rocking

♪ Show stopping

♪ Everybody back popping

Like that, don't you?

♪ Knees checking girls waking

Shut up.

Oh, Mike, you're so big!

Oh, Mike, I've never been touched right there, like,

I'm coming, Mike! I'm about to come!

Get out!

You're such a beast!

I'm your big daddy.

Oh don't call me Rick!

Shh, shh.

All right, home stretch.

Oh, I like that.

I like that, I like that.

Oh, my God.

I'm in love, Mike.

I love you.

I love you, Mike.

♪ Don't know you worth it

♪ Dust it off and jerk it

♪ Jerk it, jerk it

So?

Was it as good for you guys as it was for me?

You know, I would tell you to go fuck yourself

but it sounds like you just did.

Now Suzie, I don't know how to tell you this

so I'm just gonna come right out and say it.

Say it.

I've been sleeping with your mama.

- Hank, come on. - What?

You know I made an abstinence pledge.

I promised myself I'd wait

until I was sure I was with the right guy.

Well I thought I was the right guy.

You might be.

I'm just not sure yet.

But I like you a lot.

Hi, sexually frustrated teenager!

I'm Bluebally!

And if you and your girlfriend don't have sex soon,

you're gonna wind up with a serious case of blue balls!

That's right, your nuts are gonna turn blue.

Ah, don't be afraid.

I'm here to help.

You've been stiff as a board

for the last two hours!

That means you're reaching a critical moment

where that good tingly feeling down there

can quickly turn into an achy not-so-good feeling.

What do you mean?

See, Hank, right now your testicles are filled with semen.

And only a little bit's dripping out.

What you wanna do is ejaculate,

otherwise that backup of jizz

will cause pressure in your nut sack

to the point of making you nauseous.

In fact, your genitals can increase in size

25 to 50 percent!

That's huge!

- So what do I do? - From where I'm sitting,

even if your girlfriend won't have intercourse with you,

the least you should be able to do

is score a hand job.

Judy?

I want you to know that I really do care about you

and I've known that since the first time

I saw you in Bible study class.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Uh-oh, that's not good.

What do you mean?

With that kind of arousal,

it's only a matter of seconds

before full on irreversible blue balls!

You better go to the bathroom and jerk off right now.

- Here? - Yes, go, go,

There's no time to waste! Go, get going.

It's a medical emergency!

Oh yeah, you won't see this on children's television.

Bluebally!

I'll be one second!

Ha-ha!

Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah!

Man, I'm never gonna get laid.

I'm such a loser.

No you're not.

And I met a girl in a chatroom.

- Did you? - Yeah.

I mean I met here in Teenlonelyboys.

'Cause I figured I'm a teen and I'm lonely.

Anyways, it surprised me there's not a lot of girls

in that chatroom.

It's mostly older guys interested in photography.

See, that's kind of creepy, though.

It is at first, but, you know

once I made it clear that I was a teen boy

in the market for a teen girl,

ladies were just coming out of the woodworks.

And now I have a girlfriend.

Her name is Randy.

Isn't that a guy's name?

It's both.

I mean she said she gets it all the time.

She send you a picture?

No.

But I send her tons of mine.

Most of them are naked.

It's awesome.

Maybe I'll give it a try.

Maybe if you're lucky someday,

you'll have a Randy just like me.

SweetyPi?

Accept.

Hi.

Hi.

Sex chat?

Sure.

Okay, I'm dressed in a tight mini dress

walking down a dark alley.

I'm completely alone and vulnerable.

Then you appear out of the shadows.

You wear all black with a ski mask over your head.

You approach me menacingly and say,

Hey, what's up?

Was that wrong?

Menacing.

Okay.

What are you doing in my alley?

Oh no, you stay away from me.

I'm lost, alone, and half naked.

But I have mace.

Don't try and take advantage of me.

Okay, sorry, no problem.

Do you need cab money?

Be aggressive. I want it.

Oh. Weird.

I'm afraid I don't care about mace.

Prepare to be attacked, sexually.

That was amazing.

We should meet.

Come to 429 Covington Avenue, apartment 8

tomorrow night at 10.

Wear a mask.

Take me against my will.

Don't break character.

- Oh, hello, dear. - Oh, hey, Jane.

Doing anything special tonight?

Nope, just baking cookies for my niece.

Oh.

Just a second!

Did somebody order the rape?

Oh God!

So far so good.

You can run, but you can't hide

from forced sexual intercourse,

you know what I mean?

Ma'am?

Get out!

Gosh, well, yo!

Be careful, you're gonna hurt me.

I mean, you won't be so feisty

when I'm violating you sexually.

Get out!

What are you?

That won't stop me.

No, you don't.

Oh, shit, I'm sorry. I'll pay for this.

You stay back, I'm warning you.

I'm scared, yeah, yeah.

I'm scared and-- Oh, my God!

Hang on a second!

Wait, wait a sec!

Oh God!

Oh it's burning!

Did somebody order the rape?

- Fred? - Oh, hey, Betty.

- Hey. - How's it going?

What's wrong?

Oh, it's just been kind of a crazy week.

It's a long story.

You know, Fred, I've been thinking.

We've been friends for a really long time.

Yeah, yeah we have.

Maybe it's time we take things to the next level.

Next level?

Wow.

Next level!

Hey baby, this is for you.

I love you, you're the only one for me.

I hope you enjoy.

Hey, Pat,

can I borrow a spurt of your herpes cream?

Yeah, sure, I'll bring it over in a minute.

Oh, oh!

I'm not in, leave a message.

Hey, girl, it's Billy Shawn

from the basketball team.

Thanks for rocking my world.

Talk about taking it to the hole, peace!

Sorry about that.

Oh, shit!

Nice titties!

Gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp!

I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it,

I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna do it.

I'm there, I'm there, I'm there, I'm there!

♪ Put the south in your mouth pretty baby ♪

I wanna kiss your mouth.

Mmm, taste like blueberry.

So good.

Oh, God.

Hi.

Hi.

You look like you just saw a ghost.

I had a really bad dream.

Oh, sweetie.

It's okay.

I'm here.

I had an amazing time last night.

Oh.

I'm sorry. Do you have a toilet?

Oh, yeah, it's right over there.

Mmm, what a night.

Hello.

Aah!

Who the hell are you?

Why don't you ask your dick?

What is going on here?

Relax, Len.

Oh, look what the cat dragged in.

Do you have any matches?

Fat diarrhea, ugh.

I'll air that out, all right?

What I need right now is for you to leave my house.

My parents are coming home this afternoon

and I need to start cleaning up.

Those weren't your parents we met last night?

My parents are in Cancun.

Yeah, yeah, right.

If you say your parents aren't here,

then we'll just believe that your parents weren't here.

Maybe it was your aunt and uncle.

I don't care, I came here to fuck and get fucked.

And you know, I got fucked last night, fucked good.

Okay, very funny.

The joke's over. This has been a delightful little prank

that you guys have played on me

but now it's time for you to respect my wishes

and please, get the hell out of my house.

Pff, yeah, you're right.

The whole thing was a prank.

After we invited you for a threesome,

I got blueberry yogurt and I smeared it

all over my face and your balls.

Pooh, yeah, all a joke.

Please, just get the hell out.

Fine.

Whatever.

Please, just leave.

Ooh, so kind.

Oh, if you say your parents aren't here

then we'll just believe that your parents aren't here.

Maybe it was your aunt and uncle.

Mm-hmm.

Oh.

Thank God.

Oh, please, God, don't let them be home.

I swear I'll never drink again,

just don't let them be here.

Hello.

So you guys are home early.

Did you just get in?

How was your second honeymoon?

No!

Oh, God, no!

Get the hell out of our sight.

Okay.

Look at you!

Look at you!

Len, can we talk?

Just a minute.

What, have you been doing

a little spackling work on the ceiling?

Oh God, Dad, no, it's not,

Your mother and I are disgusted with you, Len.

Well.

Look at her.

You don't understand.

Son, I have one question for you

and I'm only gonna ask it once.

Have you been sneaking behind our backs

and being on a hidden camera show?

What?

Look over there.

No.

No, no, no, no you didn't!

They were in there the whole time?

Gotcha!

No!

Hey, buddy!

Look at his face!

How could you do this to me?

Wait, who am I?

We roofied you, honey.

Wait, wait, wait.

So I didn't fuck you and you didn't fuck me?

Well, I fucked you a little

but it wasn't all faggy, I mean come on.

Tight sphincter.

So, who's the best lover

you guys have ever been with?

Definitely my boyfriend Ted, he's amazing.

How about the rest of you?

I have to say,

her boyfriend Ted also, yeah.

When did you sleep with Ted?

Yeah, I'd have to say Ted for me too.

I'd say it's when Charlotte and I

both slept with Ted.

Yeah, that was a great night.

I'd say Ted too.

Fellas,

personal advice from me to you,

get in there and shave that shit up.

Visually, it'll give yourself

an extra two or three inches.

Alcohol and sex

don't mix.

Cocaine and sex--

If you don't have a rubber, don't panic.

Whatever you do, watch this, right?

Hold on a sec, babe,

let me grab my jimmy hat.

And then pantomime.

Oh, it's so small, the rubber.

And then you lock and load.

She'll never know.

Oh, what died?

You gotta stop being so comfortable!

Hey, pretty sweet field trip huh?

Yeah, it was cool.

So Stacy, I wanted to ask you something.

Hey man, I'ma catch you inside, all right?

So what'd you wanna tell me?

You know what, it can wait.

Hey, man.

Fake any orgasms lately?

Fuck off.

What?

Ew.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Why is that guy so tall?

Great. Yeah, yeah, I should be okay.

I should probably go clean up before we eat.

I'll see you inside?

Okay.

Sorry.

Guys!

Guys, can someone help me get off the bus?

Hello?

Hello?

Ah, there you are.

Everybody's waiting for you.

Come on.

Licking, licking.

Suck suck suck.

Oh, yeah!

♪ Shakes in all of Miami

♪ Tits, keep 'em shaking

♪ Them things are moneymaking

♪ Tits, so juicy juicy

♪ Share your soul to me

Ooh, yeah!

That's it, ladies.

Cut!

Great job, girls.

Nancy, nice licking.

Very good sucking too.

Okay, he's here.

It's about time. Listen, I know it's your first day,

but we got some stuff to shoot, all right?

Now listen.

The way I view this film,

it's a spiritual successor to Rebel Without A Cause.

Only with a lot more fucking.

Right. Um, you guys, I think there's been a small--

I'm really looking forward to working with you.

Jackie and I are especially curious

how you get the name Gigando-cock.

Oh, I can't wait to wrap my hands

around the biggest penis in the biz.

Penis? I haven't heard that word for a long time.

I usually just call it dinner.

Okay, everybody on set!

I told you they wouldn't have any beer.

Oh man, how was I supposed to know?

Oh man, sweet car.

You just helped these girls fix their car.

And so to repay you, you get to bang 'em.

Now Nancy right here, she's gonna start by blowing you.

Then you're gonna do some backdoor stuff with Jackie.

Bro, check this out.

After that, just feel free to improvise.

All right.

Hey, you gonna need a fluffer?

All righty.

Let's see that giganto cock.

And, action!

Thank you so much for fixing our car.

How can we ever repay you?

What?

Cut!

Hey, sorry I'm late.

I'm Gigando-cock.

Damn.

♪ Yeah I'm not Gigando-cock

♪ I'm just a small town hick

♪ An 18-year-old virgin

♪ With a super tiny dick

♪ Kid I've seen this once before ♪

♪ A boy who wished he was Ang Lee ♪

♪ Found he couldn't frame a shot ♪

♪ That's right, that little boy was me ♪

♪ It wasn't my first choice ♪

My parents think I'm in college.

♪ Thought I'd be doing theater

♪ On Broadway

♪ We're just accidentally incidentally ♪

♪ Unintentionally making porn

♪ Accidentally incidentally unintentionally ♪

♪ Making porn

♪ Not me, I do it

♪ 'Cause I fucking like it

♪ Girl on girl pays 50 bucks ♪

♪ I get double for backdoor fucks ♪

♪ How I got here I'll never know ♪

♪ Beats Mexico and that donkey show ♪

♪ All these tits got me in the mood ♪

♪ We're the ones that should be getting screwed ♪

♪ Let us be your man whores

♪ Will someone show these assholes the door ♪

♪ I've found my home here on this porn set ♪

Better hurry up or I won't stay wet

Fuck yeah!

Wow. Thanks for being so cool about everything.

I feel like I should tell you though.

I don't really think this is the life for me.

You got balls, kid.

Very large balls.

You show that kind of confidence in real life,

you're gonna be fine, just fine.

All right, let's reset.

Back to one!

Dude, what happened in there after we left?

Feel good to do any of those chicks?

Yeah, Mike, that's what I'm talking about!

Dude, yes!

Whoa.

Look, Stacy.

I'm not sexually experienced

and I'm not some famous porn star named Gigundo-cock.

Look, I'm just some regular kid

who just wants to ask out a very,

very beautiful girl.

Don't call past 10.

My dad'll kill me.

Screw her for me, dude!

Yes!

Fellas, you gotta be respectful of your ladies.

Whatever you do, don't go around your boys

telling them all the gruesome details.

But me on the other hand, I'm married with two kids.

I like all dirty stuff.

This website will go directly to me and only me.

Send me all pictures, streaming videos, letters.

As bizarre as you want, I'll read them all

and masturbate all night.

Thank you, I'm Matthew Lillard.

♪ She got that kind of booty

♪ Hit em up, come in and do me

♪ She's got that kind of booty

♪ Just the type that'll drive you loony ♪

♪ She got that kind of booty

♪ Pack it up and bring it to me ♪

♪ Smack it up let's make a movie ♪

♪ She's got that kind of booty

Ladies, you do not, I repeat,

you do not need to have sex with a guy for him to like you.

But it definitely helps,

and if that's too much,

a blowjob works every time.

Fuck, I have two daughters, this is terrible.

Okay, ready?

All right.

Let's see that fire hose!

Oh yeah!

Oh yeah!

- Cut. - Thank you.

All right.

Let's see that cock!

Sorry. Do I interact with Blue Bally

or am I just kinda--

Let me see

that long schlong wrinkle stick.

Oh, Ronny.

Oh.

On it.

You've got balls, kid.

Big, large, oversized brass balls.

Who wants to fuck?

No?

Sex is not just a physical commitment.

It's an emotional commitment.

And if you're not ready to handle that,

then you should use an escort service.

On behalf of all hot women everywhere,

I'd like to set the record straight.

To all you shallow disreputable men

who think that by dropping a bunch of money on us,

we'll get you laid.

To begin with,

why do we have to spread our legs

after three dates?

That is degrading, disrespectful

and just plain wrong.

Dating is about romance.

Opening the car door for me,

surprising me with flowers,

writing a poem,

letting me suck your cock.

♪ Shake that booty doody

♪ Up and down and all around

♪ Let me go to the ground

♪ Hey shorty go to town

♪ Take this move like Luther Vandy ♪

♪ So good like chewy candy

♪ In the middle of Miami

♪ Come and sit down on my jimmy ♪

♪ We could do it in a big old bed ♪

♪ Long answer give me good old head ♪

♪ Yeah girl that's what I said

♪ No girl you don't get no bread ♪

♪ She got that kind of booty

♪ Hit em up, come in and do me

♪ She's got that kind of booty

♪ That type that'll drive you loony ♪

♪ She's got that kind of booty

♪ Back it up and bring it to me ♪

♪ Smack it up let's make a movie ♪

♪ She's got that kind of booty

Bobby.

Nobody thinks you're a homosexual

just because you're in glee club.

I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry.

♪ I thought I'd be doing theater ♪

♪ On Broadway

Holy shit.

Porno titties.

Do you think I learned this accent for my health?

Why the hell do you think I'm going out with you?

Here's a hint.

I can't go down on myself, Sasquatch.

She's a real beaut, isn't she?

What did you do to me?

Ah God,

My advice about sex,

be safe, always use protection.

Unless of course she's a Vietnamese hooker,

then...

take your chances.

So, remember the hot woman's credo.

Put out or get out.

I mean these puppies won't suck themselves.

Do you think I like going out with you?

Hell no!

I'd rather be at home

using my pocket pistol on my doll

than wasting three dates trying to get laid, Mike Jacobs.

Did I say that?

Oh, fuck it.

He has a small cock anyway.

My name is Mr. Matthews.

We're gonna be hands on, we're gonna dig into it.

Hell, I'm not afraid to share. I expose myself.

I collect pubic hair

from previous relationships.

Ooh, look at me, I'm crazy.

Right, okay, yeah.

Hey, come on, partner.

I'm not just a sex ed teacher.

I'm also a dude,

flesh and ball.

Somebody who's got special needs.

A blind girl.

Violently desperate.

For criminy, a hunchback,

somebody swinging a bell in the south of France.

Glass eye, probably bad skin, crooked teeth.

Hooves.

So what do I do?

Well, from where I'm sitting,

Sorry about that.

Cut.

Unless...

we find a way to program an auto,

let me talk that over.

Unless we can find a way to find a, geez.

Unless we find a way

to make a artificial woman off your computer and then,

gosh,

♪ Shorty got that fat ass

♪ I'm harder than a math class

♪ Mommy don't you act though

♪ Just stop and back up

♪ Go ahead and drop that ass low ♪

♪ Be easy move that ass slow

♪ Nobody has to know

♪ We in the corner though

♪ You sipping champagne

♪ I'm drinking Cognac

♪ You do that damn thing

♪ I get up on that

♪ She's got that kind of booty

♪ Hit em up, come in and do me

♪ She's got that kind of booty

♪ The type that'll drive you loony ♪

♪ She's got that kind of booty

♪ Back it up and bring it to me ♪

♪ Smack it up let's make a movie ♪

♪ She's got that kind of booty

Five, six, seven, eight, go!

♪ It wasn't my first choice

My parents think I'm in college.

Five, six, seven, eight, go!

♪ It wasn't my first choice

My parents think I'm in college.

Five, six, seven, eight, mop!

♪ It wasn't my first choice

My parents think I'm in college.

Cut.

Hey baby, this is for you.

I love you.

You have to be adventurous

when it comes to sex,

like carpe diem, seize the moment.

As long as there's a naked woman somewhere in the room,

it's not gay.

And it's definitely not cheating

if you do it with the chick that turns out to be a dude.

Especially if he she is really fucking hot.

And it's definitely not cheating

if the chick turns out to be a dude

who's really hot with great tits.

I like boobs.

♪ Here we go

I hope you brought your appetite.

Looks like a nice meal.

We got ourselves a full meal.

I hope you brought your appetite.

We got a big one.

Nance, I hope you brought your appetite.

Got yourself a man size meal.

Ladies, you're gonna get the chance.

And I hope you both brought your appetites

'cause this one's packing a full meal.

Don't be nervous, kid.

Go on there and knock 'em dead.

And cut.

It's okay to choke your partner out.

It's okay to be choked out.

Just don't go to the in excess place.

♪ Shake that booty

♪ Keep shake shake shake

♪ Shake that booty

♪ Keep shake shake shake

♪ Up and down a stripper pole

♪ Got that body on swole

♪ You know my package right

♪ You can stay the whole night

♪ Lady, what you gotta do

♪ Is keep me in the back of you ♪

♪ Nobody do you like I do

♪ They call me Mr. Mackadoo

♪ All these tits got me in the mood ♪

♪ We're the ones that should be getting screwed ♪

♪ Let us be your man whores

This one is called the Jason Alexander.

Or the Napoleon, I like to call it

'cause it's mean, short and angry.

You know what a sawed off shotgun looks like,

this is what it is.

Or a can of corn. Hmm?

And cut.

Cut.

That's the cut.

It's also called the Purple Mushroom

or the Lord Vader.

This was from a botched tranny job, but

telling you, they happen, they're real.

Cut.

That's the cut. That was great.

Hey, excellent. Let's pass them all around.

Get a feel for 'em, grab the shaft,

cup the balls, do the whole nine yards.

Look up.

Get rid of the smile.

Sorry.

Kick the tires and check the traps,

if you know what I mean.

Now this one is called the Tadpole

or the Meat Cone, if you will.

God bless it!

Now just look action.

♪ She's got that kind of booty

♪ Hit em up, come in and do me

♪ She's got that kind of booty

♪ The type that'll drive you loony ♪

♪ She's got that kind of booty

♪ Back it up and bring it to me ♪

♪ Smack it up, let's make a movie ♪

♪ She's got that kind of booty

And if you can't afford an escort service,

find a crack whore.

It's useful in a pinch.

Again.

Scoob.

You could find a crack whore

and just hit her with a rock.

If you can't afford it, just get a crack whore somewhere.

Just give her a little rock.

She'll suck your dick for a dollar, sorry.

And cut.

Well, ladies, I think you wanna take the long road

through Dick Town too, yeah.

So, again,

my name is Matthew Lillard.

Thank you for spending a little time with me.

I hope my advice has helped,

and if it hasn't,

fuck you, dick!

Cut!

♪ My darling, the stars

♪ They shine for you

♪ My darling of earth, winter for you ♪

♪ My darling my heart skips a beat ♪

♪ Whenever I think of you

♪ And under this moon and sky

♪ I pray and dream that I will be the one, will be the one ♪

♪ That you

♪ Bend

♪ Over and bang good and hard from behind ♪

♪ Have me on all fours

♪ Howling at the sky

♪ I'll give your cock a good long suck ♪

♪ Then you'll give me a good hard fuck ♪

♪ Squeeze my tits all big and bouncy ♪

♪ Then spunk all over my body

♪ I wanna be your butt hot greasy slut, greasy slut ♪

♪ Begging for more ♪

♪ For I can't get enough

♪ Can't get enough

♪ When I leave your tool

♪ Used up, worn and soggy

♪ I won't stop then, oh no no no ♪

♪ I'll become your little leg humping doggy ♪

♪ Let me be your dirty fucking whore ♪

Hello, Sue?

Ronny, are you there?

I think your reception's bad.

Yeah, I'm in 1864. Let me move to a window.

That's better.

Ronny, are you gonna be okay?

Yeah.

For the first time, I think I am.