Original subtitles

["Drivin' All Night" playing]

[music continues]

When does People Supreme Divorce Court come on?

I love that show.Me, too.

Did you see the one where the rash niece Babakahn was taking 14-year old girls

up in the mountains and doing all kind of things to them

after he got them to sign over their savings box?

And then when their mother went up there,

she signed over the house and the car and the family business.

Exactly. And then when the husband found out,

he tried to sue her for divorce

and kind of giving away everything he had.

But they found out that he was depositing all his assets into his secretary

so the rash niece got to keep it all.

I can't believe you guys take this bullshit seriously.

What do you mean "bullshit," man?Bullshit.

These shows are taken from real, real cases.At the end of the credit--

[argument continues]

Bullshit. You're wrong. No way, Scott.

Hey, guys. What's the good word?

[mixed voices]

[argument continues]

Hey, uh, what are these three butt-naked girls doing on our hallway?

You're full of it, man.It's bullshit.

[mixed voices][telephone ringing]

CO2 Box. Would you like to marry Sue, Marla or Danna?

This is Sid Witherspoon,

Supreme Grand Master and President of Lambda Alpha Eta

calling from national headquarters.

Would it be asking too much

to have Chapter President Richard Spencer come to the phone?

Uh, yeah. Uh, one minute.

Hello, brother Supreme Master Sid.

Local President Richard Spencer here.

Brother Spencer, who was that I was talking to?

Uh, that was, uh, pledge Smith, sir. Alex Smith.

You know those freshmen, they can get pretty cocky. Ha, ha.

I don't remember any new recruits

on the pledge list last semester.

Well, uh, he was added a little late.

See, we lambdas over here at State have some real high standards,

and we thought we needed some more time to evaluate it.

I can see though that even that we did take the time

to size up the situation, our judgment was an error.

I will see to it that pledge Smith is expelled.

That's very good, Richard. We don't want any dead beets becoming lambdas.

I agree wholeheartedly, sir.

Which brings me to the reason why I called.

Yes, sir?

According to our records here at national headquarters,

I noticed that your chapter has only four members.

Is that true?

Four members, sir.

And that you're all graduating seniors.

That's true. We're all graduating in June, sir.

Even that ignoramus Charlie Phelps is graduating, correct?

Everyone deserves their denizen, don't they, sir?

I suppose so. But that's not the point.

You see, when you boys leave,

assuming that you'll all graduate,

there'll be nothing left of Lambda Alpha Eta at State University.

Oh, that would be too bad, sir.

Well, I'm glad you understand, Richard.

Those were some of the happiest days in my life.

And I'd hate to see it all end over there at State.

Now, I know you feel the same way.

And you'd never let that happen.

Would you, son?

[coughs] How did they do that?

Uh, no, sir.

Let me tell you

I will do everything humanly possible to ensure

that the traditions of good old Lambda Alpha Eta

are carried on for years to come.

Well, I'm glad we had this little chat, Richard.

And if there's anything I can do with your effort,

you just give me a call.

I will, sir. Thank you.

Lambda Alpha Eta forever, sir.

Oh. Goodbye.

Goodbye.

What a boy.

Well, that's the last of this bullshit call for us.

They won't be calling again until spring.

You never know. I may still be here.

I still have to pass the math competency test.

[fanfare playing]

God. I am getting so big.

Women already fight over me.

What can happen next?

I can't wait till tomorrow.

Oh, yeah? Why is that?

Because I get better looking every day.

I would hope so. Starting with such humble beginning.

Hey. Enough of this internal squabbling.

I mean, let's face the truth.

We're all studs.

But listen, I've got this little problem

that I might need you guys help to deal with.

Sure thing, Bud.Do you want me to kick someone's ass?

I think that might be a bit harsh.

You know that dweeb Ritchie from Lambda Alpha Eta?Yeah.

Well, that son of a bitch was supposed to let me cheat off

his Anthropology midterm.

Yeah? So what happened?So I got my test back today

and it had a big one-legged "A" on it.

÷A what?A fail, Chip.

Hell, Bud, I got a "D" today for everything.

Yeah, but that's not what we're talking about here.

That son of a bitch, he got an "A".

So that can only mean that he purposely slipped me the wrong answers.

Why would he do that?Zeta Alpha Mu won't stand for this sort of thing.

Will we?I got to kick his ass.

I need some time to think about just the right way

to handle this one.

[Diane] So, I think we should go with the anti-drug project.

It would be really good for everybody.

Well.

It will look good on my resumé.

But I want to do the fraternity project.

We've done this every year.

Don't you think it's about time we do something

that might make a difference?

The only reason you don't want to do the fraternity project

is because Ritchie is in the geek house.

They're not geeks. They're just different.

Oh, that's an understatement.

I mean, have you ever seen these guys?

We are talking majorly geek o-Rama.

I mean, don't you think it's a little queer

going out with a guy who wears an earring?

Take two. You'll feel better.

Damn, I've seen this one already.Me, too.

The school teacher really was trying to help the kids after class.

But the nurse, ha, that's another story.

I guess no one ever told her you have to give second graders

hernia examinations twice a week.

I wish I was one of those kids.

What?

I wish I was one of those kids that got molested.

I guess any action's better than no action.

That's not what I mean.

[stammering] Each one of those kids got awarded a million bucks.

W.O.L.A., did you sell that car, yet?

How can you sell a car with 560,000 miles on it?

It's not how many miles on it. It's how many it has left.

Get a clue, Charlie. No one's gonna buy that old pile of shit.

Why don't you back off and-- Yeah, back off.

You know, guys, we've all been in this fraternity for four years now.

Some of us more.

Don't you think it's time we got something out of it?

I mean, maybe old Witherspoon has a point.

There is something to be said for tradition

and leaving a legacy.

Or at least being remembered for something.

We can all come and go without anybody noticing.

W.O.L.A., you've been to school now for 20 years.

Who's gonna remember you when you're gone?

The lady at the loan office?

Or did she retire already?

[laughing]

You're all missing my point.

Let's make something happen here.

Leave our mark on State University.

Let's show assholes like the guys in the Zeta house

that they're not the only ones who know how to have a good time.

I propose throwing the greatest party in the history of the school.

If not the world.

Think about it.

The Lambda house packed with beer,

loud music, food,

and above all, for those of you who are unattached,

fabulous, fabulous babes.

What should we do?

Well, we're gonna need some money.

And I think I know just where to get it.

Ah.Goddamn, this feels good.

It's great to know I look even better.

You now, pumped up like this,

makes me wanna kick someone's ass.

Getting all pumped up like this

makes pumpkin Muffin that much more fun.

Let me tell you, guys, there's nothing like throwing that bitch on her stomach

and driving her home.

Hell, if her old man gives me a good enough job, I might even marry her.

Gosh, Bud, I feel the same way about Bambi.

Well, you know what they say.

Great thinkers think alike.

And of course, my daddy thinks Bud is a fine gentleman.

But then who wouldn't?

Well, to be perfectly honest,

Bud is a nice guy and all,

but Cliff is better looking.

Well, that is a matter of opinion.

I mean, Bud was voted best looking at his high school.

But that's not the whole reason why I like him so much.

Oh, he's everything I've ever wanted.

And more.

Oh, when we make love,

[gasps and sighs]

he's so wonderful.

He's so caring

and so sensitive.

So gentle.

Do you think you guys will get married?

Of course we will.

Right after graduation.

And I just know that Daddy will give Bud a good job at the firm.

And he's gonna loan us enough money

for a down payment on a house.

You all look so perfect.

I know.

If I wasn't talking about my self,

I wouldn't believe it, either.

Oh.Let's go back to the house

and see what the guys are doing.

Okay.

Sid Witherspoon, please.

[telephone ringing]

Mr. Witherspoon? Uh, this is Richard Spencer,

local president over here at State.

Hello, Richard. What can I do for you?

Well, I was thinking about what you said.

About continuing the Lambda tradition here at State.

And I was talking it over with some of the other brothers.

And we all feel really strongly about making sure

we recruit some new guys before, uh, the end of the semester.

The thing is, uh, I consulted our treasurer, brother Scott Fields.

It seems our resources are all tapped out.

And I remember what you said about wanting to help out with recruitment and all.

It seems the only thing that we're lacking is some funds.

Are you asking for a handout, Richard?

Absolutely not. I wouldn't think of such a thing.

On the contrary, I think of it as more of a loan.

Or very yet an investment, sir.

An investment that will pay a lifetime with dividends.

An investment in brotherhood.

An investment in tradition.

An investment in Lambda Alpha Eta, sir.

We'll bring it up at the next regional meeting, Richard.

Why don't you send me a written report when I get back to it?

Thank you, sir. I won't disappoint you, sir.

Bye-bye.

Well, how do we do? Do we get the money?Not exactly.

He wants us to send him some kind of a report so he can bring it up at some meeting.

You think a full-grown man would have something better to do

than sit around and have girl scout meetings?

I know it's bullshit, but if we want to get the money, we're gonna have to play the game.

You can whip something out in your computer real quick?Sure.

It doesn't have to be any kind of a big deal.

Just put some graphs and charts in it so it looks official.

[door closes]

Hi.

Hi, guys.Hi.

How was your Alpha meeting with Trixie and Dixie?

Oh, like it always is.

I'm gonna go use your phone, okay?Sure.

I have got to think of just the right way to get back at Ritchie.

I'm telling you, Bud, when someone gets along like that,

the only thing to do is to kick his ass.

Yeah, but remember, Chip, we don't want any of this getting back to the girls.

Well, we can wear stockings over our head when we kick his ass.

That way nobody will know it was us.

Damn, if I was Bambi, I'd be madly in love with me also.

Hi, boys.

Bud, can I talk to you alone for a minute?

Sure thing, babe. Let's go upstairs.

Yes, meet me in front of the library at 9:00 and I'll give you my notes.

It's okay. I don't mind.

Sure, bye.

You're so damn sweet.It's no big deal.

You're always helping your friends out with their school work.

Yeah, but at least I hassle them about it.You do not.

My friend Bud got one hell of a surprise on his Anthro test today.

What did you do? Isn't he paying you to slip him answers?

He decided that the pleasure of his company was more than enough compensation.

Well, I hope you don't get yourself into trouble.Nah.

Don't you have better things to do with your time?

Oh, Bud.

I want to swallow all your little wiggly things.

Name a girl in her right mind who wouldn't.

Oh, Bud.

[moaning]

Oh, Bud.

[moaning]

[moaning]

[loud kissing]

Muffin said her and Bud are getting married after graduation.

Well, you know how I feel about you, babe.

Yeah, but I love to hear you say it.

Hey, Cliff, you wanna go around throw around the Frisbee?

Cliff?

Cliff.

Can't you see I'm busy?

I know it's tough, by try and control yourself.

You knew him, didn't you?

Jerk.

Was it as good for me as it was for me?

Yes, it was.

Diane.

[moaning]

Tell me again how big and strong I am.

Oh, Bud.

You're so big.

You're so strong.

I couldn't imagine, oh, a more perfect man.

[moaning]

Don't you know it, baby?

You'll get nothing but the best from me.

[grunting]

[both moaning]

[Bud] Oh, Bud.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Bud.

[grunting]

Ah. Ah.

Oh.

Bud, honey?

Are you finished already?

[knocking at door]

[Chip] Hey, Bud, dude.

Football game out front.

Dude, I am all over it.

Just give me a second to wipe myself off in here.

[fanfare playing]

[exhales]

[howling]

You should have come out and watch me play, babe.

I was great.

What's wrong? This mean that much already?

Don't worry about that, babe.

They have to average that one with all the other ones, right?

There haven't been in the other midterms, Bud.

Why do you think they call them midterms?

If you don't get good grades,

Daddy won't be able to give you a good job with the firm.

But I thought he owned the firm.

He does.

But he does have investors and associates that he would have to answer to.

I mean, all what you have to do is get a "B" average so it looks good.

It doesn't really matter if you've learned anything

as long as it looks like you did.

Gosh, baby.

I-I didn't realize it was so important about my grades.

You can talk to him, can't you?

I don't think so, Bud.

I've always told him how bright you are.

I couldn't very well change my story now, could I?

Don't worry about it, baby. My grades, they'll pick up.

I know you can do it, Bud.

Then we can get married.

Daddy will loan us the money for the down payment on a house.

And maybe he'll send us to the Riviera on our honeymoon.

I mean, he's always known that's where I want to go.

He's so wonderful.

He reminds me of you.

Or, well, you remind me of him.

Oh, I just can't wait to take those wedding pictures,

all dressed up, and the flowers,

and you in your white tuxedo.

Bambi is the maid of honor.

And then we could take the pictures to our high school reunion

and show everyone how happy we look.

Oh, Bud, that'd be wonderful.

Yeah, babe. I can't wait.

[voices from TV]

Hell, I don't even want to graduate.

What are you talking about?

Still I have to pay back my student loans.

We all have student loans to pay off.

Quarter of a million dollars worth?

That is a bit much.

But think about how much you've learned.

All I can think about is how much I'm gonna have to earn.

Don't worry about it. These things have ways of working themselves out.

Either that or they'll send you debtors prison.

They don't still have those, do they?

No.Oh, that's good.

'Cause I saw The Count of Monte Cristo once,

and it took him 30 years to think of a way to get out.

But it-it worked out okay

because he got to find all this treasure that the old man

had left behind like 30 years before that.

You'll be fine. I've got some thinking to do.

I'm gonna go take a drive.Wait.

Are you sure you don't want to stay up with me

and watch Attack of the Deadly Killer

and Nightmare Visitors from Hell ?

I don't think so. Take care.

[fanfare playing]

[Bambi moaning]

[moaning]

Oh, Cliff.

Cliff. Ooh.

Oh, Cliff.

Cliff.

[moaning]

Cliff.

Don't touch the hair, baby.

I'm sorry, Cliff.

[moaning]

Oh, Cliff.

[moaning]

Oh, Cliff.

[moaning]

Goddammit, woman. I told you to watch the hair.

I'm really sorry, Cliff.

But you get me so excited.

I just lose all control.

Well, I guess I understand.

If I was you, okay, me,

I guess I'd lose control, too.

[moaning]

Oh, Cliff.

[moaning]

Cliff.

I think-- I think I...

I think I-- I think I'm--

I think I should get out of here.

You know? Maybe Chip is right.

Maybe it is better being queer.[gasps]

Oh, just kidding, baby.

You know how I feel about you, babe.

Well, I thought I did.

But I'm beginning to have my doubts.

Don't do it.

Don't do it.

No.

Oh, no. Oh, no.

She's a vampire, you idiot.

That's great.

Walk right into the tomb.

["William Tell" playing]

♪

["The Night is Young" playing]

Hi.

Hi.

What are you doing now?

I'm studying for my History test.

Have a hint for you.

Oh, yeah? What?

Only study what's gonna be on the test.

With hints like that, I'll give up studying altogether.

I really am sorry, you know, about the--

It was just a stupid joke.

Can you forgive me?

I'll think about about it.

[voices from the TV]

[yawning]

[snoring]

[snoring]

[snoring]

[voices from TV]

["William Tell" playing]

You know, I was talking to the guys

about maybe doing something great before we graduate.

Sort of leave our mark on the school.

Throw an incredibly huge party or whatever.

Show those assholes with the red sports cars and the perfect hair cuts.

You mean like Bud, Muffin and the gang?

Yeah, assholes like that.

It's a joke.

Where they worship themselves and their fraternities.

Bud thinks he's like Zeus in the Parthenon.

[chuckles]

I don't know why really--

I kinda like to show those guys.

Guys like us can do something bigger and better than they can ever imagine.

I know you could.

Thanks.

I'd better go back to the house.

It's almost time for class.

["William Tell" playing]

[exhales]

[sighs]

[snoring]

[snoring]

[snoring]

[snoring]

[rooster crowing]

[birds chirping]

What if we throw a party and nobody comes?

The lady at the loan office should be here.

That's one for sure.

Uh-oh. We better order more beer.

We got to make sure this party is the best that can be.

We want everyone to be here.

What if everyone turns out to be no one?

We've got to make sure that that doesn't happen, all right?

["William Tell" playing]

Hm. Introduction.

It's through the chapter. Very good.

Students' statistics.

Demographics.

Socio-economic status. The prototype student.

This just might do it.

We have enough money to FedEx this over the national office?

Address it to the Grand Master President Sid Witherspoon.

Hey, it's time for Let's Make a Match.

Oh.

[music from TV]

I can't believe people actually volunteer to take this abuse.

Oh, I tried that one, but they didn't take me.

[man on TV] So, tell us all the gory details

of what happened on your date.

[woman] Well, he picks me up late,

but I knew he was that type by the way he was on the phone.

What do you mean "The way he was on the phone"?

You know, he just had that attitude like he was God's gift to women or something.

Be serious, Melody. The only reason I was late

was because your father wanted to play 20 questions.

He just wanted to make sure you were no pervert.

No, he wanted to go on the Date.

Hi, guys.

[argument on TV]

Are these people from Central Casting or what?

That worthless sack of shit Ritchie really messed things with Muffin.

Now I am pissed off.

Let's do it.

I'm really starting to consider that option.

But it still seems a bit harsh to me.

Hey, you guys think I'm getting too big?

I'm gonna go over there and I'm gonna have

a man-to-dweeb talk with little Ritchie.

I mean, he got me into this. The least he can do is get me out of it.

And if that doesn't work?

Then can I kick his ass?

And what she was wearing, Hank. Let me tell you.

She looked like the whore of Babylon.

What exactly does the whore of Babylon look like?

She's sitting right next to you, Hank. Take a look.

You bastard.

Oops. Can I say that on TV? Well, you just did.

So, anyway, if you'd like to take Bob out again, we'll be glad to pay for it.

Well, uh, Bob, would you like to try it again?

I can't believe this shit.

Melody, I was hoping you'd ask.

All right. Bob, come out and join us on stage.

Isn't that beautiful, folks? Another happy couple on.

Come on, say it with me. [all] Let's make a match.

[laughter]

[knocking on door]I'll get it.

[voices from TV]

Ritchie. Just the dweeb I came to see.

Gosh, Bud, I'd really love to stand here and shoot the breeze with you,

but, uh, Let's Make a Match just ended

and that means Mary John Trial is up next.

I really hate to miss it.

Gosh, Bud. How did that happen?

I don't know. Why don't you tell me?

Gee, Bud, I don't know. I did just fine.

Well, just consider this a friendly little warning.

It won't happen again, right?

I guess you're just gonna have to study a little harder.

[coughing]

I think your friend needs some help.

I'm warning you, no funny stuff.

Who was that?Just some vacuum cleaner salesman.

What?You know what. It was Bud, wasn't it?

Yeah, he wanted to invite us over to the Zeta house for dinner.

But I told him we couldn't make it. Boy, was he disappointed.

You should be careful. Sometimes your little tricks can backfire, you know?

I know.

But if someone wants to give me something, I take it.

If they want to hit me, I run.

[sighs] Bud is so sweet.

He didn't do too well on his Anthropology midterm.

So he's gonna study harder just for me.

Gosh, Muffin, that is so sweet.

What's the sweetest thing Bud's ever done for you?

Oh, I don't know.

That's a hard one.

He's done so many things.

That is an unfair question.

They're such little boys.

What would they do without us?

I don't know.

Oh, just talking about them, makes me miss Bud.

[sighs] Me, too.

I wonder what Cliff is doing right now.

Oh, you know, he's probably bragging to the guys

about how wonderful you are.

Oh. [giggles]

But I bet Bud cuts in with you're just his dream come true.

Oh, now I really miss him.

Let's go over to the house.

Okay.

[telephone ringing]

Lambda Alpha Eta. Bother Richard Spencer speaking.

Can I help you?

Richard, I was very impressed.

Unfortunately, the brothers felt that it would be inappropriate

to send funds on such short notice,

especially since it obviously is not an emergency.

However, I have decided personally

to make a small donation of say $500.

Thank you, sir.

Goodbye, Richard.Thanks again, sir. Thank you very much.

Well? Did we get un poquito dinero ?

Come on, Ritchie, don't keep us on the edge of our seats.

Not as much as we'd like, but we did get $500.

[howling]

[screaming]

Muffin, honey,

it's not what you think.

Oh, my God.

It's like my worst nightmare.

We were just playing hide and seek, right guys?

Yeah. Yeah, we were just--

Queering off.

If you say that again, I'll kick your ass.

Shut up. No, honey, we were just...

We were working out.

It looks more like you were working it in and out.

That does it. I'm gonna kick your ass.

[screaming]

Every day I move one seat closer to her.

Maybe by the end of the semester

you'll be in the same classroom.

I've already got into the same row.

I guess marriage is just around the corner.

You know, she did ask me what time it was yesterday.

Do you think that means anything?Yeah.

It means she forgot her watch.

You know, I think you're doing the right thing, T.K.

I followed a girl around for four years once.

What happened?She graduated.

So much for the thrill of chase.

Don't worry about it. Tonight at the party, they'll be taking numbers.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

What am I going to tell the girls?

What do I tell Daddy?

Oh, God. We have got to swear

not to tell a soul about anything we saw.

Oh, you're right.

Our reputations would be shot.

Oh, I'd love to get back at those bastards.

All right, so let's figure out what we're gonna need for this party.

We need some food and some beer.No shit.

Would you lighten up?Yeah, lighten up.

Hey, how do we know how much we need?I don't know.

How do you even know anyone is coming?

What's your problem, man?Well, he does have a point.

We've got to make sure everyone, and I do mean everyone,

knows about this party.

How are we going to do that?We have to advertise.

You mean like on radio and TV?

No, I mean with fliers and ads in the school paper.

Scott, can you find out how much a half page ad costs?

If we want to have the party next Saturday night,

we want to run ads every day next week.

I already know. I had to place an ad

for the Young Capitalist Club annual takeover toga party last semester.

÷And?The ad cost $96.

So, if you want to run the ad every day next week, we're already out of money.

Hm.

There must be some way.

Wait a minute.

[dog barking]

Yes, so the fire marshal came by

and he said all the fire extinguishers need to be replaced.

And some alarms are inadequate.

Now, here's the kicker. This is the one that got me.

He said we have to install a fire escape from the second floor.

Now, I know you don't want us taking any chances

in jeopardizing the well-being of any of your brothers,

so I took the liberty of getting a couple of estimates.

Total came to $4,700.

No, I will be sending you the estimates,

but I figured you want to get the work started right out

because the fire marshal did say he would come by and he would close us down.

You're absolutely right, Richard.

And you handled this admirably.

I'll call an emergency meeting and send the money over this afternoon.

Lambda Alpha Eta forever, sir.

Goodbye, Richard.

Richard?

Mr. Spencer, see, young men like you

they make me proud to be a Lambda Alpha Eta.

Thank you, sir. And by the way,

we are having a big rush party Saturday night,

so maybe you could stop by.

I'll try and make it, Richard.

Goodbye.

Why did you invite him to the party?He is paying for it.

And besides, his office is in Dallas or some shit.

He's not gonna fly out for some rush party.

Scott, make the ads full page.

Greatest party in the history of the world.

Lambda Alpha Eta fraternity.

That's us.

Saturday, nine p.m.

[howling]

So, are you girls coming to the big party Saturday night?

I'm sure you've heard about it. It's all over school.

Well, we have other plans.

Oh, really? Is Bud and Cliff taking you two out somewhere?

Yeah.

Um, we were gonna go out to dinner

and, uh, maybe a movie.

That's too bad.

I know Ritchie and the guys were hoping that everyone would be there.

Well.

To be perfectly honest with you,

we broke up with our boyfriends.

I'm sorry.

Don't be.

They were jerks.

Worse than that. They were--

Well, don't let that stop you from coming to the party.

There'll be lots of guys there, and I can introduce you to some of Ritchie's friends.

How can you be so nice to us

specially after the way we spoke about Ritchie's fraternity?

Yeah, what's in for you?

Tch. I just like having friends a lot more than enemies.

Besides, it a party. The more the merrier.

Well, thanks, Diane.

And I'm sorry about the way I spoke about you before.

Me, too.

We were the ones going out with--

I mean geeks.

Does than mean you'll be at the party then?

Great.

[Ritchie] I want you guys to look sharp on Saturday night.

Do you guys have suits or something?I do.

Do we really have to get dressed up?I don't have a suit.

Come on, you guys.

This is our last chance to really do something before we graduate.

My uncle owns a store downtown. I'm sure he'll give you a good deal.

Well, I guess clothes make the man.

I guess I can use the suit for job interviews.

[chuckling]

Hi.

Look what the cat dragged in.

I'll leave. Get over here.

I had a funny feeling you'd say that.

I know. I didn't want to disappoint you.

So, you think we're gonna pull it off?

What do you mean?

The party.Of course you will.

No, really, everyone I know will be here.

I talked to Bambi and Muffin at the Alpha meeting today, and they'll be here.

Bud and Cliff?No, they broke up.

Do you know why?

They didn't say, and they're not exactly good friends of mine,

so it didn't seem right to ask.

I felt really bad for them.Why?

No one was forcing to go out with those bone heads.

I know. Anyway, I told them I'd introduce them to some of the guys.

You did?Yeah. Why not?

'Cause there's no reason my not.

I just don't see Bambi and Muffin going out with W.O.L.A. or T.K.

I think you underestimate these guys. They're all really sweet.

Those are only interested in the GQ joke type.

I got whith you, didn't I?

And all this time I thought you were going out with me

for my stunning good looks and amazing athletic abilities.

Come on, guys, it's not so bad.

"Come on, guys, it's not so bad." You idiot.

If those bitches shoot off their mouths, man, our reps are shot.

Reps? We already did our reps.

Reputations, Chip. Reputations.

If you noticed, we were not too thrilled

when Bambi and Muffin walked in.

It was supposed to be our little secret.

Yeah, Bud. But--

But nothing.

We got to make this up with the girls. Give me the phone.

[telephone ringing]

Hello?

Hi. Muffy, this is Bud.

Don't even try to sweet-talk me.

If I only knew how sweet you really were.

Oh, come on, but that's all behind me.

I know it is. That's the problem.

Okay. Okay, so I made a little mistake.

I promise it won't happen again, honey.

Oh, you mean me and Bambi

walking in on you and your boyfriends?

No, listen-- Okay, enough with the jokes, okay?

Look, Cliff and I feel bad. We want to make it up to you.

How about, like, dinner and a movie Saturday night?

I'm sorry, Bud.

But Bambi and I already have plans for Saturday night.

What do you mean you already have plans?

Well, Bambi and I have been invited to that big party

over at the Lambda house.

Ritchie. That son of a bitch.

Well, Bud?

Goodbye.

I hope you and the boys have a good time.

Mu-Muffin, what about the wedding?

The house, the photos.

My job.[phone off the hook]

Muffy? Are you there, Muffin?

Muffin?

It's over.

Are you serious?

Unfortunately.

I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna finally do it.

I'm gonna kick his ass.

If you had let me do this in the first place, none of this would've happened.

He's got a point, Bud.

Come one, we got to do it, Bud.

Okay. Okay, we'll do it.

But we're gonna do it right.

In front of everybody at their little party on Saturday night.

Once those girls see what studs we are,

they'll come running back to us.

♪

["I Need Love" playing]

Well, say 30, an hour from now the place will be packed.

Well, I just hope the lady form the loan office shows up.

Does this lady have a name?

Oh, hell, it doesn't matter.

I'll just call her "ma'am" anyway.

Out of respect, of course.

You know that girl I was telling you about?

You mean the one that you've got into the same row?

No, no, it's better than that.

I was one seat away from her on Thursday,

so yesterday I was next to her.

÷And?I overheard her talking.

And I heard her saying that she was gonna be at the party.

That's good, T.K.[knocking at door]

I'll get it.Let me.

I think I know who it is.

Hi.

Hi.

Is that for me?Yeah.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

Well, aren't you going to let me in?

Are you going to let me in?

Yes. Now, get out of my way.

♪

♪

Damn, if I wasn't seeing it with my own eyes, I wouldn't believe it.

I know. It's great.

It's her.

Who?

It's the lady from the loan office.

Hi, Charles.Hi.

I'm so glad you could invite me to your little party.

Yeah, I'm really glad that you could come.

I mean, be here.

I'm glad about both.

Can I get you something to drink?

Ooh. Please.

Well, it's looking like a success.

I don't think this old house can hold too many more people.

I'm not surprised.

I can't wait to do it.

Yeah, well, you're gonna have to wait a little while.

We got to wait until the party is really happening before we make our entrance.

We want to make sure our ex-babes are there to cheer us up.

They're not our ex-babes.

That's the whole point of all this.

And give me another beer.

♪

Oh, man, I can't believe it.

Believe what?

The party. It's great.

What's so great about standing around and yelling at each other?

Oh, no.

Hi. Um...

You don't know me, but, um...

Yes, I do. You're the guy from my Civics class

who wants to sit close to me every day.

That is you, isn't it?

Um...

Yeah. [laughs]

I'm-I'm sorry if I made it obvious.

I think it's cute.

You want to dance?

[stammering] If I want to dance?

I'm a dancing pole. Let's go.

♪

You look better than people is supposed to be able to look.

And the looks about yourself, mister.

Diane?Yeah?

I am really, sorry, you know, about the boudoir.

I know.

Hey.What?

I was wondering if you'd be my girlfriend.

[exhales]That's what I get for asking.

You're lucky I don't kick your ass altogether.

Thank you, God.

Geek.

♪

Gosh.

It's been so long since we've been on the open market.

I know. I think I've forgotten how to act.

You have to act so phony and artificial when you first meet people.

I hate that.

Me, too.

♪

Scott is standing all alone over there. I need to talk to him.

Okay. I can mingle.

Hey, what's up?Not much.

Why are you standing over here by yourself?

If I were you, I'd go shopping.

Yeah, well, you're not me, and I don't want to go shopping.

What's the matter with you?

For starters, I don't like parties.

I go to so few that I forgot how much I hate them.

Why?

It started in junior high.

See, I liked this girl and she said she liked me, too.

So I was going to meet her at this party.And?

So I told all my friends about it, right?

What, she didn't show up?

Who the fuck cares?

No, it's much worse than that.

She showed up, all right?

Only she was with a guy.A guy.

Am I supposed to take you seriously?

You don't like parties just because some prepubescent bimbet

didn't meet you by the water fountain after school?

Why don't you pick up your chin and zero in on that door?

As soon as something decent walks in, be all over her.

And get yourself something to drink, for Christ's sake.

♪

Hey, babe.

Do you see any gold medals lying around here by any chance?

No, why?

I was here 15 minutes ago and now I can't find them.

Hey, babe, curiously,

I know I've seen you before.

Let me think.

Athens?

No? Uh...

Paris?

Maybe, uh...

I know. Two years ago, freshman camp.

I don't think so.

Have we met?

Uh, no.

What say you an I tear up the town?Okay.

["Tear Up the Town" playing]

Lambda Alpha Eta, guys.

Think about it.Yeah, well--

We'll talk later.

Cliff, what are you going to do if this doesn't work?

What do you mean?

If the babes don't takes us back.

I don't know.

You know, guess we'll find some other babes to sponge out.

That is exactly what I was thinking.

You know what they say?

[both] Great thinkers think alike.

Hey, when are you going to go over the house? It's getting kind of late.

Hold your horses. We got plenty of time.

Muffy, are you ready?

Yeah.

I'm kinda nervous.

Me, too.

I know.

Let's practice on each other.

What?

You be the girl and I'll be the guy.

What?Tch.

Let's pretend we're meeting at the party for the first time.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

Hey, babe. Do you come here often?

When I'm not out spending Daddy's money.

Oh, Bambi, we don't need to practice.

It's all coming back to me now.

Me, too. Let's go.

Okay.

♪

So, I rigged up the system

while I could keep you qualifying for student loans as a freshman.

I mean, 35,000 one year.

The only thing is it's all gonna come back

and put me out after I graduate.

Oh, little boy,

just how much do you owe?

Well, to be exact,

248,962 dollars

and change.

Oh, my poor little baby.

[loud kiss]

Do you want mumsy to make it all better?

Hello, ladies.

I don't think I had the pleasure of making your acquaintance.

I'm Muffin and this is Bambi.

I'm Scott Fields.

And this is my fraternity.

Wow. It's like really happening.

Yeah, well, we lambdas just can't get in enough parties.

I'm gonna get something to drink.

Well, hi, you big berry clump.

You want to get "teebed"?

I guess so.

Oh, cowabunga. Let's hit the sun.

The son?

I'm talking about the beach, wahine.

I guess not.

Oh, dumb. The bitch don't even want to get wet.

It was nice meeting you, babe, but you think you could get lost for a while

so I can talk to these men?

So, uh, you guys like what you see?

Yeah, where to I sign? Me, too.

Who do I make the check out to? I wish it were that easy, guys.

But unfortunately we are forced to turn away

far more guys than we can possible take,

but it's nearly the end of the semester

and I might be able to slip you two in.

But it's nearly the end of the semester

and I might be able to slip you three in.

But it's nearly the end of the semester

and I might be able to slip you four in.

And remember, Lambda Alpha Eta forever, guys.

There. There.

[whispering]

Ooh.

I'll push one little button in my computer

and make it all better.

♪

Ooh.

Yeah, well, I didn't want to pull out those same old lines.

'Cause I could tell you were different.

It's quite a chance though.Oh, not really.

I mean, you're here, aren't you?

And I mean, let's face it.

You were pretty obvious when you announced in front of the whole class

you were gonna be here.

Got me on that one.

♪

It's time.

Yes.

Do you think the babes are there, yet?

Well, if they're not, we'll just impress some other ones.

Oh, good idea, Bud.

Chip.Yeah, Bud?

We're not gonna need those.

But you promised.

Come on.

Let's go.

♪

Oh, gosh.

It's really different kissing someone who means it.

What?

Never mind.

What are those?

Signed pledged cards. Twenty-two and the night is young.

Damn, that wasn't even part of the deal.I know.

I hope they don't pass by Witherspoon if he ever finds out about those extinguishers.

One of these days.Nah.

Charles. I brought you another drink.

Isn't that nice?

Uh, Vanna, I want you to meet my friend Ritchie

and his girlfriend, Diane.

It's very nice to meet you.

Ritchie is the president of the fraternity.

Oh, how very nice.

Nice to meet you.Nice to meet you.

Hi, guys. This is Michelle.

÷Hi.Hi.

Ritchie, can I talk to you?Can you excuse us for a sec?

What's up?

She wants to see my room.

So show it to her.

Well, uh...

What's the problem?Um...

Do you have any, um, con--

You know.Prophylactics?

Thanks, dude.Any questions?

Um, I've never really used one.

It's no big deal. You just open it up and you roll it on.

Open it up and roll it on?

You roll it on.Okay, I got it.

[laughing]

♪

[door closes]

Well, what have we here?

It's called a party, Bud.

No shit. It's called a party.

You know, for a guy as smart as he is, he is pretty stupid.

No stupid, Bud.

You know, I'd offer you guys something to drink,

but from the looks of things, you're all pretty hammered

and I doubt that you could handle anymore.

Are you kidding?

There isn't enough beer in this barn to know me out.

W.O.L.A., would you get our friends something to drink?

We're not here for that.

I think--We're here to kick your ass.

How nice of you to make a house call.Don't make trouble.

Babe, your little boy is already in enough trouble.

You touch her again and I'll kill you.

Ooh.

Little Ritchie is pretty protective

of his main squeeze, isn't he?

You son of a--

Hey, what the hell is going on here?

Look, it's the women's auxiliary of the Zeta Alpha Mu.

What?

You think you can bad-mouth me

just because I broke up with you?

You broke up with me?

I'm the one who did the breaking.

Breaking you and your boyfriends out of your lover's nut.

So that's why you--

Yeah. Me and Bambi walked in

and these guys, these three here,

they were--

Shut up.

Bambi, baby, I've been looking all over for you.

They were--

They were doing nothing. They were just working out.

That's my girl.

They were working it in and out.

Muffy.

[grunting]

That's all I can stand. You're gonna die, bitch.

You know, someone should've taught you some manners.

We don't talk that way to women around here.

Oh, yeah? Why don't you make me?

Why don't I make you what?

I don't know.

What I'm supposed to say?

Why don't you just say goodbye?

Maybe we should clear up, Bud.

No way. I'm not leaving here until I kick someone's ass.

I don't think this is our night, Bud.

I guess you're right. But mark my words, Spencer.

You haven't heard the last of this.

[grunting]

I'll be right back.

[laughing]

♪

Mr. Witherspoon.

I'm glad you decided to drop by.

You know, I just got through telling the guys

how great it would be if you could actually be here.

Cut the crap, Spencer. Where is the action?

Right inside.

♪

So, did you use it?

Yeah, but, um...

Can I take it off now?

You haven't taken it off, yet?No.

Go ahead.Oh.

It's a joke, right?

What do you mean?

We'll talk later.

["She's Not My Girl" playing]

[All cheering]

[cheering]

[All] Go, go, go, go, go, go go.

Go for it.

[All] Go, go, go, go.

[all cheering]

[howling]

[laughing]

♪

[belching]

May I have this dance?Yes.

["The Night is Young" playing]

Bye.

Great party, Rich.See you.

So you'll be calling us, right?

I'll do my best.

Thanks, Ritchie.Take care. Good luck.

I guess I'm gonna be gone.

Why don't you stay here tonight?

Oh, okay.

Hey, what happened with you guys' dates?

Oh, Vanna's upstairs waiting.

So is Muffin.

÷T.K.?Michelle's upstairs.

Everybody synchronize your watches.

It's 12:07.Hey, what are you doing?

This is a landmark opportunity, gentlemen.

Do you realize that this has to be the first time in Lambda history

that an entire chapter, and I do mean all of the brothers,

will be drawing foil at the same time.

Count me in.

No.

Okay, don't let anything happen till 12:27.

I love it when a plan comes together.

Let's not press our luck.

Shit.

Charles, honey?

Come to bed.

I have to do my evening calisthenics first.

I'm waiting.

[snoring]

[exhales]

Beer.

♪