Original subtitles

Welcome to the Daily Show. My god. I'm

Welcome to the Daily Show. My god. I'm

Welcome to the Daily Show. My god. I'm John Stewart. We have got a phenomenal

John Stewart. We have got a phenomenal

John Stewart. We have got a phenomenal show for tonight. Author, professor

show for tonight. Author, professor

show for tonight. Author, professor Michelle Dickerson IS GOING TO BE OUR

Michelle Dickerson IS GOING TO BE OUR

Michelle Dickerson IS GOING TO BE OUR GUEST TONIGHT. VERY DELIGHTED TO HAVE

GUEST TONIGHT. VERY DELIGHTED TO HAVE

GUEST TONIGHT. VERY DELIGHTED TO HAVE HER ON THE SHOW.

>> But first, let me give it up for the

>> But first, let me give it up for the

>> But first, let me give it up for the staff and crew

staff and crew

staff and crew >> who were able to make it in here tonight

>> who were able to make it in here tonight

>> who were able to make it in here tonight >> to put on a program. And and I'm not

>> to put on a program. And and I'm not

>> to put on a program. And and I'm not going to forget you guys and our

going to forget you guys and our

going to forget you guys and our AUDIENCE

made it out tonight.

made it out tonight.

made it out tonight. Clearly our audience tonight have gone

Clearly our audience tonight have gone

Clearly our audience tonight have gone the wrong way

the wrong way

the wrong way on the decision tree.

Delighted they're here.

Delighted they're here.

Delighted they're here. Should we risk life and limb to

Should we risk life and limb to

Should we risk life and limb to see a show we could see on TV in just a

see a show we could see on TV in just a

see a show we could see on TV in just a few hours in our homes?

few hours in our homes?

few hours in our homes? Why not go out in this hipbreaking

Why not go out in this hipbreaking

Why not go out in this hipbreaking weather?

You know, uh I I don't know if you guys

You know, uh I I don't know if you guys

You know, uh I I don't know if you guys in the audience noticed, but uh

in the audience noticed, but uh

in the audience noticed, but uh snowy outside.

snowy outside.

snowy outside. Bad out there. I mean, this blizzard

Bad out there. I mean, this blizzard

Bad out there. I mean, this blizzard made it nearly impossible for even

made it nearly impossible for even

made it nearly impossible for even weather people to take selfies

weather people to take selfies

weather people to take selfies or even be seen. Hello. I mean, when the

or even be seen. Hello. I mean, when the

or even be seen. Hello. I mean, when the plows get stuck,

plows get stuck,

plows get stuck, the plow got stuck. That's, you know, I

the plow got stuck. That's, you know, I

the plow got stuck. That's, you know, I commute this way. This is

commute this way. This is

commute this way. This is This is how I I always commute. Tonton.

By the way, under Zoron Mandani, tonons

By the way, under Zoron Mandani, tonons

By the way, under Zoron Mandani, tonons are free. The rides ARE

and we have a fresh layer of two feet to

and we have a fresh layer of two feet to

and we have a fresh layer of two feet to cover all the tonton in the

cover all the tonton in the

cover all the tonton in the streets.

We were this close in New York City to

We were this close in New York City to

We were this close in New York City to having the snow and the dog gone.

having the snow and the dog gone.

having the snow and the dog gone. Like this close.

Like this close.

Like this close. Then God was like, "You know what? New

Then God was like, "You know what? New

Then God was like, "You know what? New York City needs

York City needs

York City needs a little layer to cover the dog shit."

a little layer to cover the dog shit."

a little layer to cover the dog shit." But let's get to the big news of the

But let's get to the big news of the

But let's get to the big news of the week. As you know, tomorrow night is

week. As you know, tomorrow night is

week. As you know, tomorrow night is President Donald Jar. Trump's big State

President Donald Jar. Trump's big State

President Donald Jar. Trump's big State of the Union speech. But no matter what

of the Union speech. But no matter what

of the Union speech. But no matter what Trump says, folks, it's not going to

Trump says, folks, it's not going to

Trump says, folks, it's not going to change how we in this country are

change how we in this country are

change how we in this country are feeling. This country is in such

feeling. This country is in such

feeling. This country is in such emotional turmoil right now. The

emotional turmoil right now. The

emotional turmoil right now. The government sanctioned and executed

government sanctioned and executed

government sanctioned and executed violence in Minnesota, the rank

violence in Minnesota, the rank

violence in Minnesota, the rank corruption and profiteering of elected

corruption and profiteering of elected

corruption and profiteering of elected officials and their families, the

officials and their families, the

officials and their families, the manufactured outrage over, god forbid,

manufactured outrage over, god forbid,

manufactured outrage over, god forbid, an American performing at halftime in

an American performing at halftime in

an American performing at halftime in the Super Bowl in Spanish. It's a

the Super Bowl in Spanish. It's a

the Super Bowl in Spanish. It's a feeling that we are one nation divided

feeling that we are one nation divided

feeling that we are one nation divided under siege. that perhaps we've crossed

under siege. that perhaps we've crossed

under siege. that perhaps we've crossed a Rubicon of this great American

a Rubicon of this great American

a Rubicon of this great American experiment and that we slowly and

experiment and that we slowly and

experiment and that we slowly and inexurably are sliding into the abyss of

inexurably are sliding into the abyss of

inexurably are sliding into the abyss of fallen and broken democracies.

fallen and broken democracies.

fallen and broken democracies. But then

But then

But then ACROSS IT COMES JACK wins it. The golden

ACROSS IT COMES JACK wins it. The golden

ACROSS IT COMES JACK wins it. The golden goal for the United States.

WHAT?

>> We're back, MOTHERUCKER.

>> We're back, MOTHERUCKER.

>> We're back, MOTHERUCKER. >> I KNOW THE POWERFUL ELITES REMAIN

>> I KNOW THE POWERFUL ELITES REMAIN

>> I KNOW THE POWERFUL ELITES REMAIN UNACCOUNTABLE, BUT HE PUT THE thing

UNACCOUNTABLE, BUT HE PUT THE thing

UNACCOUNTABLE, BUT HE PUT THE thing behind that other guy.

behind that other guy.

behind that other guy. This country WAS SINKING INTO US. THAT'S

This country WAS SINKING INTO US. THAT'S

This country WAS SINKING INTO US. THAT'S FULL WE can't recover from, but the

FULL WE can't recover from, but the

FULL WE can't recover from, but the VULCANIZED RUBBER DISC WENT PAST THE

VULCANIZED RUBBER DISC WENT PAST THE

VULCANIZED RUBBER DISC WENT PAST THE LORD OF THE NET.

It was so unifying. THERE IS NOTHING

It was so unifying. THERE IS NOTHING

It was so unifying. THERE IS NOTHING THAT CAN TAKE AWAY FROM THE JOYOUS

THAT CAN TAKE AWAY FROM THE JOYOUS

THAT CAN TAKE AWAY FROM THE JOYOUS MOMENT AS ALL AMERICANS CELEBRATE THIS

MOMENT AS ALL AMERICANS CELEBRATE THIS

MOMENT AS ALL AMERICANS CELEBRATE THIS INCRED WAIT, WHAT THE

INCRED WAIT, WHAT THE

INCRED WAIT, WHAT THE IS THAT FBI DIRECTOR CASH PATEL?

WHY IS OUR FBI AND WHY ARE THEY PUTTING

WHY IS OUR FBI AND WHY ARE THEY PUTTING

WHY IS OUR FBI AND WHY ARE THEY PUTTING A METAL AROUND THE NECK OF FBI DIRECTOR

A METAL AROUND THE NECK OF FBI DIRECTOR

A METAL AROUND THE NECK OF FBI DIRECTOR C? IS CASH Patel a Make a Wish

man? kid. Is that what this is?

HOW DID WHY IS THAT I MEAN I listen I

HOW DID WHY IS THAT I MEAN I listen I

HOW DID WHY IS THAT I MEAN I listen I not and I'm not trying to diminish his

not and I'm not trying to diminish his

not and I'm not trying to diminish his condition. It is Listen.

condition. It is Listen.

condition. It is Listen. Listen.

Listen.

Listen. There is currently no cure for crazy

There is currently no cure for crazy

There is currently no cure for crazy eyes.

eyes.

eyes. CRAZY EYES

for when you want to turn every picture

for when you want to turn every picture

for when you want to turn every picture into some sort of methueled mugsh shot.

Are you telling me I was going 90 and a

Are you telling me I was going 90 and a

Are you telling me I was going 90 and a 35?

But I got to tell you, MAGA especially

But I got to tell you, MAGA especially

But I got to tell you, MAGA especially is going crazy for the victory. American

is going crazy for the victory. American

is going crazy for the victory. American pride, power, and patriotism on full

pride, power, and patriotism on full

pride, power, and patriotism on full display.

display.

display. >> This is time for America, not you

>> This is time for America, not you

>> This is time for America, not you whining little clowns.

whining little clowns.

whining little clowns. >> Masculinity and uh celebration. These

>> Masculinity and uh celebration. These

>> Masculinity and uh celebration. These are things that like have been

are things that like have been

are things that like have been completely and totally sanitized from

completely and totally sanitized from

completely and totally sanitized from our arch feminist culture, our

our arch feminist culture, our

our arch feminist culture, our estrogenetic culture.

First of all,

First of all,

First of all, what a super weird year hockey is

what a super weird year hockey is

what a super weird year hockey is having.

having.

having. Like I just in 4 months to go from

Like I just in 4 months to go from

Like I just in 4 months to go from nobody gives a about hockey to well

nobody gives a about hockey to well

nobody gives a about hockey to well I like to watch THEM

to

to

to only hockey can save us from a dystopian

only hockey can save us from a dystopian

only hockey can save us from a dystopian extrogenetic future.

Perhaps the strangest part is how this

Perhaps the strangest part is how this

Perhaps the strangest part is how this victory in a hockey match is being

victory in a hockey match is being

victory in a hockey match is being perceived on the right geopolitically.

perceived on the right geopolitically.

perceived on the right geopolitically. >> Got to go all the way back to 1980 when

>> Got to go all the way back to 1980 when

>> Got to go all the way back to 1980 when we defeated the Soviets. This felt just

we defeated the Soviets. This felt just

we defeated the Soviets. This felt just as sweet because I guess since we don't

as sweet because I guess since we don't

as sweet because I guess since we don't have Russia to kick around anymore, uh

have Russia to kick around anymore, uh

have Russia to kick around anymore, uh Canada uh will do.

Canada uh will do.

Canada uh will do. >> They're practically communists and

>> They're practically communists and

>> They're practically communists and they're cozing up to the

they're cozing up to the

they're cozing up to the >> hockey is all that they have and we took

>> hockey is all that they have and we took

>> hockey is all that they have and we took that. That's all they got.

>> What's with the sore winning? Why are we

>> What's with the sore winning? Why are we

>> What's with the sore winning? Why are we such dicks? And by the way, don't we in

such dicks? And by the way, don't we in

such dicks? And by the way, don't we in America have enough real enemies? Now we

America have enough real enemies? Now we

America have enough real enemies? Now we got to pretend like Canada's way of life

got to pretend like Canada's way of life

got to pretend like Canada's way of life is in congruous to the West. Yeah, those

is in congruous to the West. Yeah, those

is in congruous to the West. Yeah, those completely best neighbors our nation has

completely best neighbors our nation has

completely best neighbors our nation has ever had.

ever had.

ever had. I think what I think we had like a

I think what I think we had like a

I think what I think we had like a little fight about beaver pelts in like

little fight about beaver pelts in like

little fight about beaver pelts in like 1789.

1789.

1789. Since then, smooth sailing.

Since then, smooth sailing.

Since then, smooth sailing. But for more on Team USA's victory over

But for more on Team USA's victory over

But for more on Team USA's victory over Canada and what it means, WE GO LIVE TO

Canada and what it means, WE GO LIVE TO

Canada and what it means, WE GO LIVE TO DESI LIIDAY.

DESI, this this victory is great. Great

DESI, this this victory is great. Great

DESI, this this victory is great. Great victory.

victory.

victory. But but they're making this thing out to

But but they're making this thing out to

But but they're making this thing out to be some kind of miracle on ice.

be some kind of miracle on ice.

be some kind of miracle on ice. >> Yeah, cuz it is. Woo! We did it, John.

>> Yeah, cuz it is. Woo! We did it, John.

>> Yeah, cuz it is. Woo! We did it, John. USA. USA. Canada got connected in the

USA. USA. Canada got connected in the

USA. USA. Canada got connected in the face by the red, white, and blue. Woo!

face by the red, white, and blue. Woo!

face by the red, white, and blue. Woo! >> Yeah. No, it certainly wasn't a great

>> Yeah. No, it certainly wasn't a great

>> Yeah. No, it certainly wasn't a great victory for the the US hockey team. No,

victory for the the US hockey team. No,

victory for the the US hockey team. No, no doubt it was.

no doubt it was.

no doubt it was. >> Yeah. But not just the hockey team,

>> Yeah. But not just the hockey team,

>> Yeah. But not just the hockey team, John. Same way we defeated communism and

John. Same way we defeated communism and

John. Same way we defeated communism and the miracle on ice. This victory proves

the miracle on ice. This victory proves

the miracle on ice. This victory proves that our system of government is far

that our system of government is far

that our system of government is far superior to Canada's.

superior to Canada's.

superior to Canada's. As they say in hockey, game, set, and

As they say in hockey, game, set, and

As they say in hockey, game, set, and match.

It's not a hockey term, so

It's not a hockey term, so

It's not a hockey term, so >> offsides get the rebounds.

>> offsides get the rebounds.

>> offsides get the rebounds. >> Okay, whatever.

>> Okay, whatever.

>> Okay, whatever. I I I just don't know if our political

I I I just don't know if our political

I I I just don't know if our political systems are really all that different

systems are really all that different

systems are really all that different from Canada's.

from Canada's.

from Canada's. >> What? Are you kidding me? Our democracy

>> What? Are you kidding me? Our democracy

>> What? Are you kidding me? Our democracy separates executive power from the

separates executive power from the

separates executive power from the legislature with a president appointed

legislature with a president appointed

legislature with a president appointed by an electoral college while their

by an electoral college while their

by an electoral college while their democracy appoints an executive based on

democracy appoints an executive based on

democracy appoints an executive based on the outcome of which governing party has

the outcome of which governing party has

the outcome of which governing party has the majority. And as we learned on the

the majority. And as we learned on the

the majority. And as we learned on the ice yesterday, that system sucks.

ice yesterday, that system sucks.

ice yesterday, that system sucks. >> The system seem actually pretty similar.

>> The system seem actually pretty similar.

>> The system seem actually pretty similar. I mean, don't both the US and Canada

I mean, don't both the US and Canada

I mean, don't both the US and Canada have biccameal legislatores? Yes, but

have biccameal legislatores? Yes, but

have biccameal legislatores? Yes, but American senators are elected while

American senators are elected while

American senators are elected while Canadian senators are appointed. Just

Canadian senators are appointed. Just

Canadian senators are appointed. Just like how Canada got appointed to our

like how Canada got appointed to our

like how Canada got appointed to our nuts,

>> That kind of came out of came out of

>> That kind of came out of came out of

>> That kind of came out of came out of nowhere. That's comprehensive and

nowhere. That's comprehensive and

nowhere. That's comprehensive and filthy, does he?

filthy, does he?

filthy, does he? >> A thank you. Here's another. In America,

>> A thank you. Here's another. In America,

>> A thank you. Here's another. In America, we have electoral districts, but in

we have electoral districts, but in

we have electoral districts, but in Canada, they call their districts

Canada, they call their districts

Canada, they call their districts writings, which is fitting because Team

writings, which is fitting because Team

writings, which is fitting because Team Canada was riding our nuts.

Canada was riding our nuts.

Canada was riding our nuts. >> PLEASE STOP saying nuts.

>> PLEASE STOP saying nuts.

>> PLEASE STOP saying nuts. >> I will not. I will not. And by the way,

>> I will not. I will not. And by the way,

>> I will not. I will not. And by the way, another reason we're better, America's

another reason we're better, America's

another reason we're better, America's Congress has a sergeant-at-arms, but the

Congress has a sergeant-at-arms, but the

Congress has a sergeant-at-arms, but the Canadian Parliament has an usher of the

Canadian Parliament has an usher of the

Canadian Parliament has an usher of the Black Rod. And speaking of ushering a

Black Rod. And speaking of ushering a

Black Rod. And speaking of ushering a black nozzy, no. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't

black nozzy, no. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't

black nozzy, no. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't like where that was going.

like where that was going.

like where that was going. >> Yeah.

>> Yeah.

>> Yeah. >> Same way the Canadians didn't like WHERE

>> Same way the Canadians didn't like WHERE

>> Same way the Canadians didn't like WHERE MY NUTS WERE GOING. GIRL,

MY NUTS WERE GOING. GIRL,

MY NUTS WERE GOING. GIRL, >> COME ON. ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. Just

>> COME ON. ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. Just

>> COME ON. ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. Just don't encourage us.

>> THE COLD WEATHER HAS changed them.

>> THE COLD WEATHER HAS changed them.

>> THE COLD WEATHER HAS changed them. Look, look, the game didn't change the

Look, look, the game didn't change the

Look, look, the game didn't change the fact that Canadians still have a better

fact that Canadians still have a better

fact that Canadians still have a better health care system than we did.

health care system than we did.

health care system than we did. >> Yes. Okay. I thought so, too, until I

>> Yes. Okay. I thought so, too, until I

>> Yes. Okay. I thought so, too, until I saw the scoreboard for profit healthc

saw the scoreboard for profit healthc

saw the scoreboard for profit healthc care one. Universal Canadian healthcare

care one. Universal Canadian healthcare

care one. Universal Canadian healthcare zero, USA, USA.

zero, USA, USA.

zero, USA, USA. >> BUT THAT WASN'T EVEN THE FINAL SCORE.

>> BUT THAT WASN'T EVEN THE FINAL SCORE.

>> BUT THAT WASN'T EVEN THE FINAL SCORE. >> What was the final score?

>> What was the final score?

>> What was the final score? >> DID YOU EVEN WATCH THE GAME?

>> DID YOU EVEN WATCH THE GAME?

>> DID YOU EVEN WATCH THE GAME? >> I WATCHED DE'S NUTS. I

>> I WATCHED DE'S NUTS. I

>> I WATCHED DE'S NUTS. I >> NO, I I I did not watch the game. So,

>> NO, I I I did not watch the game. So,

>> NO, I I I did not watch the game. So, why are you celebrating in the team's

why are you celebrating in the team's

why are you celebrating in the team's locker room?

locker room?

locker room? >> Oh, I'm not in Milan. I'm at a Planet

>> Oh, I'm not in Milan. I'm at a Planet

>> Oh, I'm not in Milan. I'm at a Planet Fitness. My god. Anything to get away

Fitness. My god. Anything to get away

Fitness. My god. Anything to get away from my family on a snow day, please.

from my family on a snow day, please.

from my family on a snow day, please. >> Deside. Everybody.

>> Deside. Everybody.

>> Deside. Everybody. All right.

All right.

All right. So, there you go.

So, there you go.

So, there you go. It

have it folks.

have it folks.

have it folks. We have defeated our

We have defeated our

We have defeated our new enemy Canada on the ice and

new enemy Canada on the ice and

new enemy Canada on the ice and vanquished them to the penalty box of

vanquished them to the penalty box of

vanquished them to the penalty box of history.

history.

history. Now America can live in a golden era.

Now America can live in a golden era.

Now America can live in a golden era. Peace, prosperity.

Peace, prosperity.

Peace, prosperity. >> The United States could be on the brink

>> The United States could be on the brink

>> The United States could be on the brink of war with Iran.

of war with Iran.

of war with Iran. >> What the

They don't even skate.

What possible conflict could we have

What possible conflict could we have

What possible conflict could we have with people in street shoes?

with people in street shoes?

with people in street shoes? >> Is this real?

>> Is this real?

>> Is this real? >> The drum beat of a possible war with

>> The drum beat of a possible war with

>> The drum beat of a possible war with Iran growing louder. The largest

Iran growing louder. The largest

Iran growing louder. The largest assembly of US forces in the Middle East

assembly of US forces in the Middle East

assembly of US forces in the Middle East that we've seen in years.

that we've seen in years.

that we've seen in years. >> One report is saying we are days away

>> One report is saying we are days away

>> One report is saying we are days away from strikes.

from strikes.

from strikes. >> Days away

>> Days away

>> Days away from war.

from war.

from war. Usually when we get in a war in the

Usually when we get in a war in the

Usually when we get in a war in the Middle East, there's a Marty Supreme

Middle East, there's a Marty Supreme

Middle East, there's a Marty Supreme level press roll out, months and months

level press roll out, months and months

level press roll out, months and months of endless promotion, interviews,

of endless promotion, interviews,

of endless promotion, interviews, MANUFACTURED INTELLIGENCE. THEY GOT

MANUFACTURED INTELLIGENCE. THEY GOT

MANUFACTURED INTELLIGENCE. THEY GOT WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. Schwap

until finally we acquies to the war just

until finally we acquies to the war just

until finally we acquies to the war just in the hopes that the selling of it will

in the hopes that the selling of it will

in the hopes that the selling of it will stop and because it seems vaguely

stop and because it seems vaguely

stop and because it seems vaguely charming. But this war, one day it's

charming. But this war, one day it's

charming. But this war, one day it's nothing and the next day we filled their

nothing and the next day we filled their

nothing and the next day we filled their waterway with giant ships. Why? What's

waterway with giant ships. Why? What's

waterway with giant ships. Why? What's the urgency?

the urgency?

the urgency? >> Special envoy Steve Witkoff has this

>> Special envoy Steve Witkoff has this

>> Special envoy Steve Witkoff has this warning about Iran's nuclear power.

warning about Iran's nuclear power.

warning about Iran's nuclear power. >> They're probably a week away from having

>> They're probably a week away from having

>> They're probably a week away from having uh industrial uh uh industrial

uh industrial uh uh industrial

uh industrial uh uh industrial uh bomb making material.

uh bomb making material.

uh bomb making material. >> Oh my god. An atomic bomb by Monday.

>> Oh my god. An atomic bomb by Monday.

>> Oh my god. An atomic bomb by Monday. Oh When was this interview taped?

Oh When was this interview taped?

Oh When was this interview taped? Do they already have the bomb? Is it

Do they already have the bomb? Is it

Do they already have the bomb? Is it five business days to the bomb?

five business days to the bomb?

five business days to the bomb? Do Muslims get weekends? Do they work

Do Muslims get weekends? Do they work

Do Muslims get weekends? Do they work through?

through?

through? I got to say, a week away from having

I got to say, a week away from having

I got to say, a week away from having the material for a nuclear bomb.

the material for a nuclear bomb.

the material for a nuclear bomb. I'm a little surprised to hear that. You

I'm a little surprised to hear that. You

I'm a little surprised to hear that. You know, I thought I remembered someone

know, I thought I remembered someone

know, I thought I remembered someone saying something about that nation's

saying something about that nation's

saying something about that nation's nuclear program being

nuclear program being

nuclear program being what was the word I was looking for?

what was the word I was looking for?

what was the word I was looking for? Iran's key nuclear enrichment facilities

Iran's key nuclear enrichment facilities

Iran's key nuclear enrichment facilities have been completely and totally

have been completely and totally

have been completely and totally obliterated.

>> That's right. I remember Trump saying,

>> That's right. I remember Trump saying,

>> That's right. I remember Trump saying, "Uh, we totally obliterated their

"Uh, we totally obliterated their

"Uh, we totally obliterated their nuclear program and yelling at people

nuclear program and yelling at people

nuclear program and yelling at people who questioned it." Which makes me

who questioned it." Which makes me

who questioned it." Which makes me wonder how obliterated was it? It was

wonder how obliterated was it? It was

wonder how obliterated was it? It was obliterated like nobody's ever seen

obliterated like nobody's ever seen

obliterated like nobody's ever seen before.

So the kind of obliteration that somehow

So the kind of obliteration that somehow

So the kind of obliteration that somehow remliterates

almost immediately. Yes. No one has ever

almost immediately. Yes. No one has ever

almost immediately. Yes. No one has ever seen that before. We obliterated that

seen that before. We obliterated that

seen that before. We obliterated that building. The building we are currently

building. The building we are currently

building. The building we are currently standing on. Yes. That is correct. So is

standing on. Yes. That is correct. So is

standing on. Yes. That is correct. So is our plan now to re obliterate their

our plan now to re obliterate their

our plan now to re obliterate their nuclear program every few months

nuclear program every few months

nuclear program every few months >> or is there a longer term strategy

>> or is there a longer term strategy

>> or is there a longer term strategy taking the Armada to uh offshore uh Iran

taking the Armada to uh offshore uh Iran

taking the Armada to uh offshore uh Iran is to put pressure on Iran first and

is to put pressure on Iran first and

is to put pressure on Iran first and foremost to come to the table to

foremost to come to the table to

foremost to come to the table to negotiate around nuclear weapons. Oh, I

negotiate around nuclear weapons. Oh, I

negotiate around nuclear weapons. Oh, I see the old carrot stick. Our peace

see the old carrot stick. Our peace

see the old carrot stick. Our peace through strength will force Iran to

through strength will force Iran to

through strength will force Iran to make, let's call it, an Iran nuclear

make, let's call it, an Iran nuclear

make, let's call it, an Iran nuclear deal.

deal.

deal. I I think I remember that phrase from

I I think I remember that phrase from

I I think I remember that phrase from when we made a nuclear deal

when we made a nuclear deal

when we made a nuclear deal with Iran.

with Iran.

with Iran. What happened to that?

What happened to that?

What happened to that? >> I am announcing today that the United

>> I am announcing today that the United

>> I am announcing today that the United States will withdraw from the Iran

States will withdraw from the Iran

States will withdraw from the Iran nuclear deal. Oh, right. Trump

nuclear deal. Oh, right. Trump

nuclear deal. Oh, right. Trump obliterated it.

obliterated it.

obliterated it. So, just to be clear, Donald Trump is on

So, just to be clear, Donald Trump is on

So, just to be clear, Donald Trump is on the brink of war with Iran to either

the brink of war with Iran to either

the brink of war with Iran to either obliterate the program Trump had

obliterate the program Trump had

obliterate the program Trump had previously obliterated or to force them

previously obliterated or to force them

previously obliterated or to force them into signing a deal like the one Trump

into signing a deal like the one Trump

into signing a deal like the one Trump had pulled out of. It's all in chapter

had pulled out of. It's all in chapter

had pulled out of. It's all in chapter nine of Art of the Deal, eating your own

nine of Art of the Deal, eating your own

Your own

USA, USA, USA.

Is that how Hitler started?

Is that how Hitler started?

Is that how Hitler started? He was USA. And suddenly people were

He was USA. And suddenly people were

He was USA. And suddenly people were just like, "USa, USA."

just like, "USa, USA."

just like, "USa, USA." But obviously there is no more solemn

But obviously there is no more solemn

But obviously there is no more solemn respon. I segue into more serious.

respon. I segue into more serious.

respon. I segue into more serious. But obviously

there is no there is no more solemn

there is no there is no more solemn

there is no there is no more solemn responsibility for the president of the

responsibility for the president of the

responsibility for the president of the United States than the decision he makes

United States than the decision he makes

United States than the decision he makes to put Americans in harm's way through

to put Americans in harm's way through

to put Americans in harm's way through armed conflict. So as the president

armed conflict. So as the president

armed conflict. So as the president recently took to the podium this burden

recently took to the podium this burden

recently took to the podium this burden of history clearly heavily weighing on

of history clearly heavily weighing on

of history clearly heavily weighing on his soul.

his soul.

his soul. >> I made a speech at a factory. They made

>> I made a speech at a factory. They made

>> I made a speech at a factory. They made steel products and I said uh how are

steel products and I said uh how are

steel products and I said uh how are you? Nice to meet you. How's business

you? Nice to meet you. How's business

you? Nice to meet you. How's business president? I'd love to kiss you. This is

president? I'd love to kiss you. This is

president? I'd love to kiss you. This is a very powerful man. I don't want to be

a very powerful man. I don't want to be

a very powerful man. I don't want to be kissed by that man.

You can always tell when a story is true

You can always tell when a story is true

You can always tell when a story is true when it contains a character who refers

when it contains a character who refers

when it contains a character who refers to Trump as quote president.

to Trump as quote president.

to Trump as quote president. Just president. Not President Trump. Not

Just president. Not President Trump. Not

Just president. Not President Trump. Not Mr. President. Just President. But I'm

Mr. President. Just President. But I'm

Mr. President. Just President. But I'm sorry I I interrupted your story.

sorry I I interrupted your story.

sorry I I interrupted your story. President.

President.

President. What else did this very real person say

What else did this very real person say

What else did this very real person say to you?

to you?

to you? >> He said, "Sir, I want to kiss you so

>> He said, "Sir, I want to kiss you so

>> He said, "Sir, I want to kiss you so badly." And I said, "No, thank you."

>> Yes. Yes. All the steel workers want to

>> Yes. Yes. All the steel workers want to

>> Yes. Yes. All the steel workers want to kiss you and your unbelievably tariffs.

kiss you and your unbelievably tariffs.

kiss you and your unbelievably tariffs. We'll we'll read all about it in the

We'll we'll read all about it in the

We'll we'll read all about it in the official history of your presidency.

official history of your presidency.

official history of your presidency. Team of heated rivals.

As America stands on the precipice of

As America stands on the precipice of

As America stands on the precipice of armed conflict with Iran, Donald Trump

armed conflict with Iran, Donald Trump

armed conflict with Iran, Donald Trump is single-mindedly focused on preserving

is single-mindedly focused on preserving

is single-mindedly focused on preserving his wildly unpopular tariffs

his wildly unpopular tariffs

his wildly unpopular tariffs that somebody finally had the balls to

that somebody finally had the balls to

that somebody finally had the balls to say were illegal. After months of

say were illegal. After months of

say were illegal. After months of anticipation, the Supreme Court today

anticipation, the Supreme Court today

anticipation, the Supreme Court today ruling that the President Trump's

ruling that the President Trump's

ruling that the President Trump's sweeping tariffs imposed under the

sweeping tariffs imposed under the

sweeping tariffs imposed under the International Emergency Economic Powers

International Emergency Economic Powers

International Emergency Economic Powers Act are unconstitutional.

Wow. A court composed mostly of his own

Wow. A court composed mostly of his own

Wow. A court composed mostly of his own party's appointees has struck down the

party's appointees has struck down the

party's appointees has struck down the constitutionality

constitutionality

constitutionality of Trump's go-al alone tariff regime.

of Trump's go-al alone tariff regime.

of Trump's go-al alone tariff regime. That's bound to cause him some

That's bound to cause him some

That's bound to cause him some introspection.

introspection.

introspection. >> They're just being fools and lap dogs

>> They're just being fools and lap dogs

>> They're just being fools and lap dogs for the rhinos. They also are a

for the rhinos. They also are a

for the rhinos. They also are a frankly disgrace to our nation, those

frankly disgrace to our nation, those

frankly disgrace to our nation, those justices. They're very unpatriotic and

justices. They're very unpatriotic and

justices. They're very unpatriotic and disloyal to our constitution. I I think

disloyal to our constitution. I I think

disloyal to our constitution. I I think it's an embarrassment to their families.

it's an embarrassment to their families.

it's an embarrassment to their families. You want to know the truth?

When a guy who had sex with a porn star

When a guy who had sex with a porn star

When a guy who had sex with a porn star right after his wife had given birth

right after his wife had given birth

right after his wife had given birth tells you you're an embarrassment to

tells you you're an embarrassment to

tells you you're an embarrassment to your family.

your family.

your family. I think you have to take that seriously.

But the Supreme Court didn't come to

But the Supreme Court didn't come to

But the Supreme Court didn't come to this decision rashly.

this decision rashly.

this decision rashly. >> The Supreme Court took months to make

>> The Supreme Court took months to make

>> The Supreme Court took months to make this decision. They had oral arguments

this decision. They had oral arguments

this decision. They had oral arguments back in November. They took 10 months

back in November. They took 10 months

back in November. They took 10 months >> working through all the thorny legal

>> working through all the thorny legal

>> working through all the thorny legal issues associated with this case trying

issues associated with this case trying

issues associated with this case trying to thread some type of needle.

to thread some type of needle.

to thread some type of needle. >> Lots of nuance legal issues that the

>> Lots of nuance legal issues that the

>> Lots of nuance legal issues that the court has to thoroughly consider.

court has to thoroughly consider.

court has to thoroughly consider. >> The court put in the work

>> The court put in the work

>> The court put in the work and that's why this decision

and that's why this decision

and that's why this decision will stand the test of President Trump

will stand the test of President Trump

will stand the test of President Trump doubling down on his trade policy saying

doubling down on his trade policy saying

doubling down on his trade policy saying that he will raise global tariffs to

that he will raise global tariffs to

that he will raise global tariffs to 15%.

15%.

15%. MOTHER,

WE HAD HIM. WE HAD HIM.

WE HAD HIM. HE ALWAYS GETS AWAY LIKE THE

WE HAD HIM. HE ALWAYS GETS AWAY LIKE THE

WE HAD HIM. HE ALWAYS GETS AWAY LIKE THE ROAD RUNNER. WE GOT YOU. ME.

It's so dispiriting.

It's so dispiriting.

It's so dispiriting. You know what we need? We need one of

You know what we need? We need one of

You know what we need? We need one of them stuffed comfort monkeys that poor

them stuffed comfort monkeys that poor

them stuffed comfort monkeys that poor Punch has.

Poor Punch.

Although,

Although,

Although, and no disrespect,

but clearly there is probably something

but clearly there is probably something

but clearly there is probably something wrong with that monkey. I DON'T PLEASE I

wrong with that monkey. I DON'T PLEASE I

wrong with that monkey. I DON'T PLEASE I SAY THIS.

Hear me out. I understand and it's

Hear me out. I understand and it's

Hear me out. I understand and it's adorable and he's breaking my heart.

adorable and he's breaking my heart.

adorable and he's breaking my heart. But that being said, who are we to

But that being said, who are we to

But that being said, who are we to question the wisdom of the tribe?

question the wisdom of the tribe?

question the wisdom of the tribe? NO, I I'm just saying they're the ones

NO, I I'm just saying they're the ones

NO, I I'm just saying they're the ones that know him best.

that know him best.

that know him best. >> THEY'VE DECIDED HE'S PROBLEMATIC.

>> WHAT THE OH, YOU KNOW BETTER. YOU KNOW

>> WHAT THE OH, YOU KNOW BETTER. YOU KNOW

>> WHAT THE OH, YOU KNOW BETTER. YOU KNOW MONKEYS BETTER THAN THE MONKEYS. IS THAT

MONKEYS BETTER THAN THE MONKEYS. IS THAT

MONKEYS BETTER THAN THE MONKEYS. IS THAT IT? ALL THE LITTLE MONKEY EXPERTS ALL

IT? ALL THE LITTLE MONKEY EXPERTS ALL

IT? ALL THE LITTLE MONKEY EXPERTS ALL DECIDED IN THE MIDDLE OF A BLIZZARD TO

DECIDED IN THE MIDDLE OF A BLIZZARD TO

DECIDED IN THE MIDDLE OF A BLIZZARD TO COME HERE TONIGHT AND

COME HERE TONIGHT AND

COME HERE TONIGHT AND MONKEY. LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. WHO

MONKEY. LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. WHO

MONKEY. LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. WHO NOW ALL Y'ALL?

NOW ALL Y'ALL?

NOW ALL Y'ALL? LET ME WHO ARE WE TO question

LET ME WHO ARE WE TO question

LET ME WHO ARE WE TO question their LIVED EXPERIENCE

their LIVED EXPERIENCE

their LIVED EXPERIENCE FOR OUR PARASOCIAL ATTACK. I MEAN, LOOK,

FOR OUR PARASOCIAL ATTACK. I MEAN, LOOK,

FOR OUR PARASOCIAL ATTACK. I MEAN, LOOK, THEY DECIDED THE MOM, THE ELDERS, the

THEY DECIDED THE MOM, THE ELDERS, the

THEY DECIDED THE MOM, THE ELDERS, the juniors. Even thating stuffed monkey

juniors. Even thating stuffed monkey

juniors. Even thating stuffed monkey looks like, "Hey, I don't WANT TO BE

looks like, "Hey, I don't WANT TO BE

looks like, "Hey, I don't WANT TO BE HERE.

HERE.

HERE. I COULD BE LIVING THE LIFE of Riley in a

I COULD BE LIVING THE LIFE of Riley in a

I COULD BE LIVING THE LIFE of Riley in a nice bedroom in Westchester. Instead,

nice bedroom in Westchester. Instead,

nice bedroom in Westchester. Instead, I'm being dragged through the gravel in

I'm being dragged through the gravel in

I'm being dragged through the gravel in the middle of it.

I'm sorry. I'm standing by this.

SOME SOMETIMES IT'S GOING TO GO FROM

SOME SOMETIMES IT'S GOING TO GO FROM

SOME SOMETIMES IT'S GOING TO GO FROM FUNNY TO ME. THAT'S JUST WHAT HAPPENS.

FUNNY TO ME. THAT'S JUST WHAT HAPPENS.

FUNNY TO ME. THAT'S JUST WHAT HAPPENS. THAT'S JUST WHAT HAPPENS.

AND BY THE WAY, OH, IT'S ALL CUTE NOW,

AND BY THE WAY, OH, IT'S ALL CUTE NOW,

AND BY THE WAY, OH, IT'S ALL CUTE NOW, BUT WHEN PUBERTY COMES,

BUT WHEN PUBERTY COMES,

BUT WHEN PUBERTY COMES, THAT IS NOT GOING TO BE A HAPPY STUFFED

THAT IS NOT GOING TO BE A HAPPY STUFFED

THAT IS NOT GOING TO BE A HAPPY STUFFED MONKEY. TRUST ME. Trust me,

it's comfort now,

it's comfort now,

it's comfort now, but he's WIFEING IT LATER. TRUST ME.

How dare you people substitute your

How dare you people substitute your

How dare you people substitute your wisdom for those other monkeys.

I was doing this all weekend. My wife's

I was doing this all weekend. My wife's

I was doing this all weekend. My wife's going to be so mad at me

going to be so mad at me

going to be so mad at me all weekend. I just kept going. But

all weekend. I just kept going. But

all weekend. I just kept going. But there's got to be something wrong with

there's got to be something wrong with

there's got to be something wrong with the monkey, right?

the monkey, right?

the monkey, right? Not funny.

Not funny.

Not funny. Anyway,

the point is, folks,

we're on the brink of war with the

I got I got to work on the segways.

I got I got to work on the segways.

I got I got to work on the segways. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Okay, we're on the brink of war with

Okay, we're on the brink of war with

Okay, we're on the brink of war with Iran.

The point is, folks, we're on the brink

The point is, folks, we're on the brink

The point is, folks, we're on the brink of war with Iran. Russia still bombs

of war with Iran. Russia still bombs

of war with Iran. Russia still bombs Ukraine with impunity, and yet Trump is

Ukraine with impunity, and yet Trump is

Ukraine with impunity, and yet Trump is out there kissing dudes over tariffs and

out there kissing dudes over tariffs and

out there kissing dudes over tariffs and saving his most vicious rhetoric for our

saving his most vicious rhetoric for our

saving his most vicious rhetoric for our own Supreme Court. Can the State of the

own Supreme Court. Can the State of the

own Supreme Court. Can the State of the Union get any more surreal? President

Union get any more surreal? President

Union get any more surreal? President Trump mystified a lot of people over the

Trump mystified a lot of people over the

Trump mystified a lot of people over the weekend when he announced a US hospital

weekend when he announced a US hospital

weekend when he announced a US hospital ship was on its way to Greenland.

ship was on its way to Greenland.

ship was on its way to Greenland. >> What?

>> What?

>> What? GREENLAND DOESN'T NEED A HOSPITAL SHIP.

GREENLAND DOESN'T NEED A HOSPITAL SHIP.

GREENLAND DOESN'T NEED A HOSPITAL SHIP. THEY'VE GOT UNIVERSAL HEALTHCARE.

THEY'VE GOT UNIVERSAL HEALTHCARE.

THEY'VE GOT UNIVERSAL HEALTHCARE. WE NEED A HOSPITAL SHIP. WHERE'S OUR

WE NEED A HOSPITAL SHIP. WHERE'S OUR

WE NEED A HOSPITAL SHIP. WHERE'S OUR HOSPITAL SHIP?

>> But like most things Trump, IT'S EVEN

>> But like most things Trump, IT'S EVEN

>> But like most things Trump, IT'S EVEN STUPIDER THAN THAT. Both of the American

STUPIDER THAN THAT. Both of the American

STUPIDER THAN THAT. Both of the American hospital ships, Mercy and Comfort, are

hospital ships, Mercy and Comfort, are

hospital ships, Mercy and Comfort, are out of commission, under repair. Comfort

out of commission, under repair. Comfort

out of commission, under repair. Comfort isn't even in the water.

Look, I'm no expert boat guy, but they

Look, I'm no expert boat guy, but they

Look, I'm no expert boat guy, but they are supposed to be in the water. Yes.

are supposed to be in the water. Yes.

are supposed to be in the water. Yes. What are we doing? We're trolling

What are we doing? We're trolling

What are we doing? We're trolling Denmark. We're going to war with Iran.

Denmark. We're going to war with Iran.

Denmark. We're going to war with Iran. We're abandoning Ukraine. WE'RE CHARGING

We're abandoning Ukraine. WE'RE CHARGING

We're abandoning Ukraine. WE'RE CHARGING EVERYBODY 15% MORE. We're pushing away

EVERYBODY 15% MORE. We're pushing away

EVERYBODY 15% MORE. We're pushing away our closest neighbors, ostracizing

our closest neighbors, ostracizing

our closest neighbors, ostracizing ourselves from the entire Oh my god,

ourselves from the entire Oh my god,

ourselves from the entire Oh my god, we're punch.

America has gone from being a shining

America has gone from being a shining

America has gone from being a shining city on a hill to being the weird,

city on a hill to being the weird,

city on a hill to being the weird, smelly monkey nobody wants to play with.

I think that's why they don't want to

I think that's why they don't want to

I think that's why they don't want to play. I don't know why,

play. I don't know why,

play. I don't know why, but I don't know if you can make a

but I don't know if you can make a

but I don't know if you can make a stuffed monkey big enough for all of

stuffed monkey big enough for all of

stuffed monkey big enough for all of America

America

America to He is that Ah,