Original subtitles

(upbeat electronic music)

(dramatic music)

- Disturbing news out of the San Joaquin Valley tonight.

Citizens there reporting a potential nudity outbreak

in Bakersfield, California.

For more on this we got to our

west coast correspondent, April Shoemaker

live on the streets of Bakersfield.

April?

- That's right, Kelly.

Police here are quick to point out these nudity reports

are still unconfirmed.

Nevertheless, concern is growing.

- What are they saying specifically?

- Only that an investigation is underway,

which, of course, is their way of saying absolutely nothing.

- April, do you have a sense of what this would mean to all

of us if there was a nudity outbreak in Bakersfield?

- That's the question on everyone's mind, Kelly.

One thing is certain: America's war on nudity

has long been the one war we are winning.

With the war on poverty going so poorly,

the war on homelessness stagnating,

the war on crime and disarray,

the war on drugs has been lost,

the war on terror going nowhere,

the war on nudity is very important to the White House.

Not only because it keeps naked people off our streets,

but also because it gives us that common enemy

we so desperately need.

- Has the president made any comments yet?

- Not yet.

However, there is little doubt that this story has gone

right to the top of the administration's domestic agenda.

A nudity outbreak in Bakersfield would be

a severe blow, not only to national nudity compliance,

to America's war efforts in general.

Perhaps calling into question

the effectiveness of war itself.

- Thank you for that, April.

We will certainly be monitoring this story carefully

and bringing you frequent updates.

(light music)

- Man, you wanna squeeze money from Old George,

ladies, you phone the president.

You want something done?

You phone me.

- And when you want something done?

- You're here, aren't ya?

- So, what's the situation?

- Wrong question.

- All right, what do I need to know?

- They found a body.

- Where?

- The hotel.

- Porterfield or the Padre?

- The Padre.

- Dead?

- Nope, naked.

- Man or woman?

- A woman.

Still think we should phone the president?

- Governor you're telling me we have a naked woman

loose in the streets of Bakersfield?

- Told you it's gonna be a long day.

- How long have we got?

- Well, our national security agrees, 72 hours tops.

(airplane engine rumbling)

- We're gonna need two things.

- Name it, Jeremiah.

- Musicians and Mexicans.

- Musicians I was prepared for, this is Bakersfield,

but where the hell are we gonna find Mexicans?

(man yelling)

♪ Got me a badge, got me a gun ♪

♪ Someday gonna get to shoot someone ♪

♪ Pen and a paper on TV ♪

♪ Everybody gonna wanna interview me ♪

♪ Police sting, pepper spray ♪

♪ Beat and taze, escalate ♪

♪ Police sting, it's okay ♪

♪ It's us that gets to investigate ♪

♪ Write some tickets, confiscate ♪

♪ Seize and misappropriate ♪

♪ Buy some tanks and fancy guns ♪

♪ To use upon the citizens ♪

♪ Police sting, pepper spray ♪

♪ Beat and taze, escalate ♪

♪ Police sting, it's okay ♪

♪ It's us that gets to investigate ♪

♪ Us that gets to investigate ♪

♪ Hey ♪

(clock ticking)

- So, you're a nudist, then?

- Do I look like a nudist?

(sighs)

I'm in trouble.

- Good, I was starting to think this would be a bore.

- You have some training in this kinda thing, right?

- Jeremiah, you know that nudity's been outlawed in America.

- How is this helpful?

- Do you wanna get naked?

- No.

- Do you want me to get naked?

When did this obsession with nudity begin?

- I'm not obsessed with nudity.

It's not even what I came in here to talk about.

- So this is about Rosie, then?

- Shrink, you don't listen very well.

- Patient, you would be surprised.

Let's just start again.

- Fine, a couple days ago I woke up in my bed

at The Padre Hotel.

- Were you naked?

- Who's the one obsessed with nudity?

- What brought you to this hotel?

- I lived there.

- You live in a hotel?

Interesting.

(light music)

(muffled talking)

(bell jingling)

- Hi, Rosie.

Hi.

- It's Thursday.

Why aren't you watching Lonesome Dove?

- We changed Lonesome Dove to Saturdays

now so it would rhyme.

Matrix Mondays, Terminator Tuesdays,

Willy Wonka Wednesdays.

- And you think Lonesome Dove rhymes with Saturday?

- It's close.

- What's Jeremiah up to?

- I think he's doing laundry.

(crunching) (groaning)

- [Jeremiah] The thing you have to understand

about Rosie and I-- - Wait.

You said Rosie wasn't important.

- I didn't say that.

- I can play back the tapes.

- You're recording this?

- Jeremiah, when are you not being recorded these days?

- Well, now I don't wanna say anything.

- Fine.

(sighs)

- Where was I?

- The thing you have to understand about Rosie and I--

- The thing you have to understand about Rosie and I

is we've known each other since she was a kid.

- Did you call her or did she call you?

- What the hell difference does that make?

- Answer the question.

- [Jeremiah] I called her.

- So stop jerking me off.

- Okay.

- Now, let's try that again.

What is Jeremiah up to?

- He's meeting with the Mexicans.

(glass shattering)

(swanky music)

(wolf howling)

- I no believe you.

- I can hardly believe it myself, Edgar.

- Even if what you say is true,

I don't see how we can help you.

- Edgar, you and Luis, Andy here.

Best cattle herders in Kern County.

If I'd lost a little heifer out in the desert sands,

who would I hire?

I'd hire you three.

If I'd lost a naked woman on the streets of Bakersfield,

you see the similarities?

- Jeremiah.

My men, they are good men.

- I know they are, Edgar.

- They've never seen a naked woman.

- I wondered.

- And if truth be told, Jeremiah,

maybe I've never seen one either.

- Nothing to be ashamed of.

- Send us to the desert, we will bring back

every heifer that ever walked the sand.

Dead or alive.

But send us after a naked woman

in the streets of Bakersfield.

- I appreciate your willingness to be vulnerable.

Anticipating that this might be the case,

I took it upon myself to make some preparations.

- What are you talking about, Jeremiah?

- Edgar, would you and your men like to see a naked woman?

(stomping)

(light music)

(cat purring)

- Jeremiah.

- Edgar.

- Believe me when I say, Jeremiah.

After what you've done today,

if I ever see your ugly face again I will kill you.

(light suspenseful music)

(light music)

(beeping)

- Let's go back to the naked woman story

so we can get back to Rosie.

- Doc, you're kind of obsessed with Rosie.

- You're kind of obsessed with avoiding her.

- I am not.

- Naked woman, go.

- I'd already reached out to my Mexicans

and now I needed some musicians.

- Are musicians hard to find in Bakersfield?

- They can be, especially now.

Word is that music's next.

- Next for what?

- Next thing to become illegal.

- About time.

I hate music.

(light music)

- [Jeremiah] I had Lucas staked out back

in a surveillance van, at The Longbranch Saloon, I knew,

if there were any musicians to be found at night,

the Longbranch would be the place.

- [Lucas] Shut the door, shit!

- [Jeremiah] Relax, Lucas, just me.

- Jeremiah, you scared the shit outta me.

- [Jeremiah] What do we got?

- Oh, this is scene 16 of Little Big Man.

It's the scene where D. Hoff goes into

his teepee with his new Indian brides and bangs 'em

out by one by one. - Not on the DVD, Lucas.

On the scanners. - Ah!

I am definitely getting indications that there

are vacuum tubes in the building.

- 587s?

- Sounds like 606s to me.

- Fender Tweed, maybe.

(humming)

- I thinking these are reissue Vibrolux.

- Did you bring backup?

- Uh, yeah, he's uh, well he's right out there.

(grumbling)

- [Jeremiah] You brought a zombie for backup?

- It was short notice.

Jeremiah, wait.

Look, what?

What if it's her in there?

- [Jeremiah] What if it is?

- [Lucas] We can't shoot a woman.

- We can if she's trying to steal your horse.

(zombie grumbling)

Lucas.

Zombie.

Whoever it is in there is no good to me dead.

These guns represent instruments of last resort.

(woman screaming) (guns banging)

(glass shattering)

(people whistling and cheering)

(guns clicking)

- What the hell do you guys want?

- We have a gig for you Leroy.

- You thought starting a gunfight was

the best way to give us a gig?

Oh, well if I had known it was you I wouldn't of missed.

- We all know what musicians are capable of.

- What's the gig?

- Top secret.

- No mall openings, no Celine Dion.

- Done.

- What's the pay?

- Union scale.

- Screw the union.

We want a hundred a piece and free beer.

- Done.

- Oh, hey, Lucas.

- Hey, Leroy.

- How's your mom?

- Not so good.

Her eczema's flaring up again so she's like crusty all over.

- Oh god, I'm so sorry.

I'll bring by some Billie Holiday it'll clear it right up.

- Thanks, Leroy.

- What do we do now?

- Meet me at the water tower, high noon.

Bring your instruments, wear a disguise.

Preferably farm animals.

- No, dude.

We don't do no dog and pony shows any more.

I'm a professional.

(sheep baaing)

- Leroy, you'll forgive me, but on this I must insist.

- Oh, you must insist, must you?

Well, in that case.

- I knew it!

They're not in the union.

After them, men.

- [Therapist] You lost me at musicians and Mexicans

- Yeah, it wasn't the best plan I've ever come up with.

- I don't see a plan at all.

- The plan was to lure her in with irresistible melody

and once she was within reach I would have

my rancheros lasso her.

- Not much of a plan.

- It gets worse.

(light music)

- You realize, Jeremiah, that once we commit to this,

there's no going back.

- I understand.

- You find any musicians?

- I have them tied in the stables now.

- Good, and the Mexicans?

- They've been a little resistant.

- If I ever see your ugly face again, I will kill you.

- But I think they'll come around.

- You know, if Rosie hears about this, we're all dead.

- Lucas, can you wait outside for me for a moment?

- Shushu, you better wait outside, too, baby.

(slapping)

I'm telling ya, Hoss.

If Rosie finds out about this,

there's gonna be a shit storm.

The likes of which we've never seen

since Buck Owens left Heehaw.

- I understand, but, keeping a woman like Rosie

in the dark is--

- Is essential.

Time to make hay or head for the barn.

Are you ready for this?

- Ready or not, what are our options?

- I don't know.

Move to Fresno?

All right, Jeremiah, go.

Do this.

I don't wanna know how you're gonna do it,

but if you're gonna do it, do it well.

Now get out there and find me that naked woman.

(upbeat electronic music)

- Think he suspects you?

- I can't tell.

- There will be blood.

- Yep, there will be blood.

- And nudity.

- Certainly nudity.

- I love how they go together.

Blood and nudity.

- You just make sure Rosie finds out what's going on, okay?

And in a way that doesn't come back to me, you get that?

♪ I got a big dick, uh ♪

♪ I got a big dick, yeah ♪

♪ I got a big dick, what ♪

♪ My dick is big and bad ♪

- Stop.

Miles, stop the car!

(tires screeching)

(thudding)

(light music)

- [Man] Radio to all units, 10 one alpha, does anyone read?

- [Ben] So you're Dale?

- [Jerry] Like Dale Evans.

- Anyone ever explain to you, Dale,

the benefits of cooperating with authority?

- You can't go wrong with cooperating with authority.

- Good to be compliant.

- Comply or die.

That's our motto.

- We work for the government.

- You can always trust the government, Dale.

- Says so on the penny.

- In the government we trust.

- We're not really concerned about the little old lady.

- She was old already.

- We're not really concerned about the drinking and driving.

- Well, boys will be boys.

- We need you to tell us what it is was

you saw that made you pass out.

- Lights out like a stripper in cellophane.

- I'm Ben. - And I'm Jerry.

- We're cops.

- Kern County's finest.

- They call us Ben and Jerry.

- Like the ice cream.

- But we don't eat ice cream.

- I eat some ice cream.

- We solve crime.

Not right now, Jerry.

- No, no, no, I'm just saying grammatically speaking,

it doesn't make sense to say that we solve crime

because crime is crime, it's the mystery

of who committed the crime that we're solving.

- Just stick to the script, Jerry.

- Yes, Ben.

- [Ben] Where was I?

- We solve mysteries. - We solve crime.

And we'll overlook the drunk driving.

- Hell, we do it all the time.

- But you saw something that caused you to pass out

and you need to tell us what it was.

- You have to, Dale.

We're the law.

- [Man] Be advised, we have copied,

sending an officer on way--

- Think I need to just talk to my lawyer.

- [Man] Three boxers have been unarmed, violent

in the backyard of the property.

(cracking) (screaming)

(heart rate monitor beeping)

- I'm sorry, what do the cops have to do with this story?

- They illustrate how I was losing control

of the nudity situation.

- Or maybe they're just a diversion

so you can avoid talking about Rosie.

- You know, maybe you need to talk about Ro.

Would you like to talk about Rosie?

- No, John Wayne, I want you to talk about Rosie.

- How'd you know I like John Wayne?

- Oh, just a lucky guess.

(dramatic music)

(clicking)

(bell dinging)

- I didn't have to miss.

- Oh, I believe you, Rosie.

So, what do we do now?

- Face each other as God intended.

Sportsmanlike.

- You realize these are lines from The Princess Bride?

- You think I'm playing a game here?

- [Jeremiah] Why don't you tell me what you're doing here?

- Why don't you tell me what I'm doing here?

- I think you're just here picking up your arrow.

- You think that's all I came here for?

- No, I think we both know what you came here for.

And I think we both know you're gonna leave disappointed.

- I have a right to know.

- You recently gave up your right to know.

(baby coughing)

(baby crying)

(soft moaning)

(light music)

- I don't know what that kid saw.

- Made him pass out, whatever it was.

- Passed right out.

- Ever drink Makgeolli?

- What's that?

- Korean rice beer.

I passed right out on that shit once.

- We should check that out.

- It's probably nothing.

- It's something to go on.

- It's not much to go on.

- It's something to go on.

- We all need something to go on.

- That's beautiful.

- What is?

- What you just said.

- About the Makgeolli? - No.

We all need something to go on.

- I'm glad you like it, Ben.

- I like it.

(giggling)

I'm gonna have it embroidered on something.

- Aw!

(lips smacking)

What?

- Mom's gonna be home any minute.

- Oh, well, we better go.

- Gotta go. - Okay.

- You. - Me?

- You. - Me what?

- You. - Me what?

- You give me something to go on.

(light romantic music)

(singing in foreign language)

- We three hombres have seen something

that no hombre should ever have to see

and there's no going back.

Us three amigos have seen a naked woman.

(speaking in foreign language)

And there's only one thing to do

with a worm that's gotten out of his can.

And tomorrow morning at dawn

(dramatic music) We do it.

(dark dramatic music)

- [Therapist] How would you say your plan to catch

the naked woman was going at this point?

- [Jeremiah] Oh, you know, I tried to be an optimist.

(tapping)

- [Therapist] I've never known a cowboy

to wear tap dancing shoes.

- [Jeremiah] I find them comfortable.

(tapping)

- [Therapist] There's gotta be more.

- [Jeremiah] Rosie is a dancer.

- [Therapist] Ah ha!

- [Jeremiah] She taught me a few basics.

- [Therapist] Now we're getting somewhere.

- [Jeremiah] I'm not very good at it, but I like it,

and Rosie says it's good to do things

that I'm not very good at once in awhile.

- [Therapist] How does that make you feel?

Doing things you aren't good at?

- [Jeremiah] Rosie says it makes me feel vulnerable.

- [Therapist] How would you say it makes you feel?

- [Jeremiah] I'd say it makes me feel naked.

- [Therapist] Oh.

Would you describe Rosie as a vulnerable person?

- [Jeremiah] She has her moments.

Once you get past her I'm gonna shoot ya in the face stuff,

she's actually tender underneath.

- [Therapist] I think we need to talk about that

because nothing you've said so far

about Rosie has indicated tenderness.

- [Jeremiah] I have to admit,

something's gotten into her lately.

I dunno what it is.

(stairs creaking)

(door slamming)

(upbeat music)

- Good evening.

Thursday we brought you a story regarding

a reported nudity outbreak in Bakersfield, California.

For more on this ongoing situation

we turn to congressman Hamilton Watergate from Rhode Island.

And, for a more European perspective,

we have professor Cleo Trudeau

from the University of Montreal.

Welcome both of you.

- Montreal is not in Europe.

- Of course not, it's in...

- Canada.

- Well, you're the professor.

Tell me, how do the nudity laws in Canada

differ from the ones in the U.S.?

- We don't have any.

- Well, how does that work?

- It works fine.

- So you're saying that in Canada

you don't have any laws regarding nudity?

- Why would we need laws regarding nudity?

- Can I jump in here, Kelly?

This is an outrage.

What kind of a sick, depraved mind thinks

that we should all be running around naked?

- We don't run around naked.

- How do we know that?

- Well, I'm telling you that.

- So we're supposed to believe a nudist?

- I am not a nudist, I am a sociology professor.

- Sure.

So you're saying you've never been naked in public.

- Oh, maybe once in a while on a beach if it's nice

and there's no one around.

- See?

Thank you, that is what we are talking about.

That is a slippery slope.

The next thing you know,

everyone running naked in the streets.

- The congressman makes a point, professor.

What would happen if a student showed up

to one of your classes topless?

- It's never happened.

- Well, I understand, but what if it did?

- Well, I suppose we would have a conversation about it,

incorporate it in our discussion and go on with our day.

- The depths of your depravity, ma'am, sickens me.

- You say you're Canadian, Professor Trudeau,

but you look-- - I look what?

- Brownish.

- I am brownish.

- Do you think your skin color has a baring

on your liberal attitudes towards nudity?

- Of course it does!

White people don't run around naked,

we wear clothes, it's how we got to be white.

- Don't go anywhere, viewers.

We'll be back after this commercial break.

(dramatic music)

- Hi, everybody.

I'm Jill Jillarooso.

Famous for being famous and star

of my very own Facebook page.

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which is why I wanted to let you know

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I can shower in it.

I can tinkle in it.

And now with the new double gusset crotch crevice

I can even have sex in it.

Order now and get your free Skanx Never Nude Suit for him.

His and hers.

Never Nude Suits from Skanx.

Only three easy payments of 29.99.

Call 1-800-iSKANKY.

Operators are standing by.

(whistling)

(light music)

- [Leroy] Jeremiah!

You let us out you son of a bitch!

- [Jeremiah] Got a job for you, Leroy.

- Oh really?

What a coincidence, because I have a job for you, mister.

- We can do this my way or we can do this my way.

- Why don't you suck the chrome off of my trailer hitch?

- Leroy, you of all people should know what I'm capable of.

- I'm a free man on this land, remember?

I'm a musician, unlike you, I kept the faith.

- You are a real musician, and you did keep the faith.

- Whatever it is you got yourself into,

I'm not coming to bail you out.

- I don't need bailing out, Leroy.

I need someone who knows what a naked woman looks like.

- What are you talking about?

- There's a naked woman loose in the streets of Bakersfield.

I have 46 hours to bring her in

before who knows what happens.

- You are such a shit.

Even when you were in the band.

I mean, ropes, really?

You tie us in a barn with ropes around our neck?

- I needed your undivided attention, Leroy.

Do I have your undivided attention?

- Does Rosie know?

- Rosie knows nothing and it's imperative

that we keep it that way for obvious reasons.

- Well I don't understand what you need us for.

- Who else in these parts knows

what a naked woman looks like?

- Okay, so if suppose we know what a naked woman looks like.

How does that fit us into your plan?

- First I need you to locate her.

Find her, draw her in, bait her with irresistible melody.

That's where you and your players come in.

I have another party who will complete the capture.

- What other party?

- You don't need to know.

- I need to know.

- [Jeremiah] Mexicans.

- Mexicans?

- [Jeremiah] The best cowboys in Kern County.

- That's your big plan?

That's what you get paid the big bucks for?

Hundred a day and free beer.

- Agreed.

- And I'm not doing this for you.

I'm doing this for Bakersfield.

(dramatic music)

(hollering)

(baaing)

- This little piggy right here.

He goes wee wee wee all the way home.

Is that you, Mr. Bigshot?

Huh?

Not such a bigshot now, are ya?

Say hello to my little friend.

(light mariachi music)

(singing in foreign language)

- You know who I am?

You think I'm happy to see what I see here today?

What do you think I should do about my unhappiness?

Maybe I should deal with this the old fashioned way.

Or maybe I should turn my back and count to 10

and let you think about what you have done here today.

(light music)

You're merciful, Jeremiah.

- I have reason to be merciful.

- Anything else we have here to talk about?

- Just my expressions of gratitude.

- Your gratitude is accepted.

There is power in the union.

- There is power in the union.

- No one messes with a member of the musicians union.

Adios, amigo.

(light mariachi music)

- You kept your dues up after all these years?

- I did.

I'll tell you what, Leroy.

You help me get this naked woman off the streets

of Bakersfield and I'll see that

you get in the musicians' union.

(giggling)

What's so funny?

- Nothing.

- I don't see what's so funny.

- I was going to suggest that we go back

to the main story, but I can't seem to keep track

of what the main story is.

What was the main reason you came to see me today?

- Honestly?

- Or lie to me if that works better for you.

- I came to see about the voices.

- The voices?

- I've been hearing voices.

- Perhaps we can take this up on another day.

- No, Doc, I think we better take it up now.

I'm running out of time.

- Out of time for what?

- To catch the naked woman.

- You're telling me this is happening right now?

- Right now.

- In real time.

The countdown to catch her.

- I have 'til dawn.

- Well shouldn't you be out there trying to catch her?

- Probably.

- Are you telling me that there are Mexicans out there

right now trying to kill you?

- No, the Mexicans and I are good.

- Are you sure because--

- Now that they know I'm in the musicians union

they'll do anything I ask of them.

Being in the musicians union

is kinda like being in the mafia.

Not a lot of people know that.

- I see.

- Can we talk about the voices now?

- Why not?

- It's really just one, lately, singular.

And she keeps saying the same thing over and over again.

(spooky music)

(bell dinging)

(light music)

♪ Too far from the ocean ♪

♪ Too far from the flame ♪

♪ Too far from the ocean ♪

♪ Too far from the flame ♪

- [Woman] The nudity outbreak in Bakersfield.

(screaming)

♪ Too far from the ocean ♪

♪ Too far from the flame ♪

(popping)

(stomping) (air hissing)

(sniffling)

- Too far from the ocean, too far from the flame.

What do you think it means?

- No idea.

- When do you hear it?

- Every time I'm asleep and often even

when I'm awake throughout the day.

- Too far from the ocean, too far from the flame.

- That's what I came to see you about, Doc.

- Mmhmm.

- That's all you got?

- I'm processing.

- Doc, there's not time to process.

- Water is one of the four classical western elements.

It symbolizes life and freedom.

I think.

Of course I've also heard it symbolizes the word of God.

It's feminine, of course.

Too far from the flame.

Fire is another one of the four classical elements.

It's masculine, symbolizes pain and death.

But also passion and creativity.

Huh.

- Doc, they're waiting for me.

- Who's waiting for you?

- The musicians and the Mexicans.

They're on the roof of The Padre right now.

We have 'til dawn to catch a naked woman.

- Right.

Well.

- You've got nothing, do ya?

- I've got nothing.

(sighs)

- I know I shoulda seen a priest.

- Thank you.

Would you like to set up another appointment?

- No, Doc, I'm good.

I think you helped me.

- I did?

- You did.

I mean, number one, you helped me realize

that Rosie's pregnant.

- She is?

- Why else would a woman be acting the way she is?

- Right.

- Secondly, you helped me see that the governor

is running a con.

- A con?

- I don't know what this so-called mission's about,

but I can tell you it's got nothing

to do with a a naked woman running free.

- Right.

- Thirdly, you helped me see

I need to get to the ocean ASAP.

- The ocean?

- Why else would I be hearing these voices over and over?

- Of course.

- So thank you.

- I don't feel like I did that much.

- Nah, you did plenty and I'm glad I came.

- I wanna hear how the story ends.

(crickets chirping)

- Ladies and gentlemen, I think it would be appropriate

at a time like this to sing our national anthem.

(chairs creaking)

- I'm not sure I know all the words.

- Yeah, I, I know the chords but I don't know all the words.

- Seriously?

Very well, then.

Perhaps we could just hum it.

(humming)

("Star Spangled Banner")

The home of the brave.

That's where we find ourselves, ladies and gentlemen.

Bakersfield, California.

Our country, our culture, our way of life, values,

our morals, they're all in

the state of considerable jeopardy.

How we react to this crisis will determine

the future of Bakersfield and thus

the future of America.

There's a naked woman loose in the streets of Bakersfield.

The governor of California, whom you know,

keeps a summer home here, has entrusted me to bring her in.

And I have carefully selected you as my team.

Through the course of this one evening,

the future of our way of life

as we know it will be determined.

We must get this naked woman into custody.

Get some clothes on her.

By sunrise it'll be too late.

Lucas here will distribute your individual missions.

My availability in the coming hours will be sketchy at best.

There will be moments when it feels like

you're completely alone and you probably will be.

The time for lengthy speeches is over.

Men, Leroy.

Get out there and find me the naked woman.

(dark suspenseful music)

(bugs screeching)

(gun banging)

- [Police Radio] 7825 code six.

- [Woman] Too far from the ocean.

Too far from the flame.

Too far from the ocean.

Too far from the flame.

Too far from the ocean.

Too far from the flame.

Too far from the ocean.

Too far.

(crickets chirping)

- Where's the closest beach?

- Beach?

- Beach.

- There's a couple sandy spots on the Kern.

- There's no beaches on the Kern River, Lucas,

or any other river, I need the ocean.

The beach and the Pacific Ocean.

- I dunno.

Pismo, maybe?

Spooner's Cove?

- Spooner's Cove, how long to get there?

- Two hours if you really hump it.

- I'm leaving you in charge, Lucas.

- Wait, what?

In charge of what?

- This mission.

It's all there, you've got everything.

You've got eight hours to get a naked woman

off the streets of Bakersfield.

- Are you sure you wanna do that?

- Something tells me I must.

- According to the manual I'm not qualified.

- Yeah, well.

I know the man who wrote the manual,

he didn't always follow it himself.

- What do I tell the governor?

- You tell the governor nothing.

Something fishy's going on, Lucas.

Something's going on we're not being told about.

♪ Way down ♪

♪ Columbus, Georgia ♪

♪ Wishing that I was in Tennessee ♪

♪ Way down ♪

♪ Columbus star gates ♪

♪ My friends all turned their backs on me ♪

♪ Go ahead and leave me if you want to ♪

♪ Never let me cross your mind ♪

♪ In your heart ♪

♪ You love another ♪

♪ Leave me, darling, I don't mind ♪

(light music)

(yelling)

(groaning)

- Where's your boyfriend, Lucas?

- You know I don't do that anymore, Rosie.

- That's not what I'm talking about.

- He's not here.

- Who's not here?

- Jeremiah, duh.

- [Rosie] How did you know that's who I was talking about?

- Who else do you talk about, ever?

(grunting)

- Where is he, dumb butt?

- You know I can't tell you that, Rosie.

- Oh yes you can.

You can and you will.

(choking)

(light music)

(horse neighing)

(humming)

It's waterboarding, Lucas.

I have always wanted to try it.

Boop.

Okay, now it says here Khmer Rouge used

a simple dish towel to keep the water clinging to the face.

But, huh, the CIA, they use plastic wrap over the mouth

but not the eyes or the nose to prevent

water from escaping the throat and sinuses.

Which do you think would work best?

(light music)

- [Ben] There's actually never been a better time

to be in the law enforcement industry.

- [Jerry] Industry?

- [Ben] Yeah, what would you call it?

- I dunno.

Like a public service or something.

- Maybe in the old days.

In the old west--

(Jerry giggling)

In the old west a town would find some money,

they would hire an outsider to come in and be sheriff

and maintain law and order.

- [Jerry] And what's different today?

- For one thing, do you know how many laws there are today?

- 10,000.

- 20,000.

20,000 federal laws today just to deal with guns.

- How can that be possible?

- Nobody even knows how many federal laws there

are in total, you can't count them all.

Every year new laws, nobody ever deletes the old ones.

But you know what every new law means?

- New laws mean new crimes.

- Bingo!

Every decade in America there are a thousand

new crimes created.

- It does seem like a growth industry.

- Right?

- Does having more laws make for better people?

- No idea.

- Well think about it.

You know, more laws make more crimes.

More crimes make more criminals.

But does that make society stronger?

- Well, that's not my job, little lady.

My job is to enforce the laws and the more laws they make

the more they need me and you.

It's job security.

- You know, the argument could be made that

forever making more laws and more crimes

weakens citizenry by making people dependent

upon the government to tell them what's right and wrong.

- You're talking crazy talk.

- No, the argument could be made that by making people

more dependent upon the government to tell them

what's right and wrong weakens individuals

ability to govern themselves.

- You read too much.

- The end result of this can only be a police state

where America is no longer the home of the free

but the home of the over-policed!

- I know, right?

You can see it too.

(light music)

- [Woman] Too far from the ocean.

Too far from the flame.

Too far from the ocean, too far from the flame.

Too far from the ocean.

Too far from the flame.

Too far from the ocean, too far from the flame.

(upbeat electronic music)

(smacking)

(waves crashing)

- [Jeremiah] It's you.

- It's always been me.

- Too far from the ocean.

Too far from the flame.

- You were listening.

- I was listening.

- Are you ready for the flame?

- I'm a soldier of fate.

- Take your clothes off, Jeremiah.

I'm feeling fateful.

(engine rumbling)

(light music)

(train horn honking)

(light country music)

♪ One sad little life of a millionaire ♪

♪ Spending all my money didn't have any cares ♪

♪ Took my friends out for a mighty good time ♪

♪ And bootleg liquor, champagne and wine ♪

♪ Then I began to fall so low ♪

♪ Lost all my good friends, had nowhere to go ♪

♪ If I get my hands on a dollar again ♪

♪ I'm gonna hang on to it 'til that old eagle grins ♪

♪ Nobody knows you ♪

♪ When you're down and out ♪

♪ In your pocket, not one penny ♪

♪ And as your friends well, you ain't got any ♪

♪ Then you get back on your feet again ♪

♪ Everybody wants to be your long lost friend ♪

♪ I said it plain, without any doubt ♪

♪ Nobody knows you when you're down and out ♪

(whip cracking)

- [Woman] Jeremiah?

You're getting hard.

- Um. - Stop it.

That is not what I am to you.

- How am I supposed to stop that?

- Concentrate, Jeremiah.

- On what?

- On something other than what

you are currently concentrating on.

Obviously.

Know your place.

Know your call.

That is not what we are to each other.

(sighs)

That's better.

It is important to me that you

are never too far from the ocean.

Nor too far from the flame.

The ocean is alive.

Watch is breathe.

Watch it live.

And watch the flame.

It, too, is alive.

It lives, it breathes, it devours.

You must live and breathe and devour.

You must be you.

If you are not you you are of no use to me.

Do you wish to be of use to me?

- I wish only to be of use to you.

- Do you what it is that makes your heart beat, Jeremiah?

- It is you that makes my heart beat.

- Do you know by what power your diaphragm

draws and releases breath?

- [Jeremiah] You give my diaphragm its power

to draw and release breath.

- Do you trust me?

- I do.

- Good.

Would I ever lead you astray?

- No, you would not.

- What if I did lead you astray?

So far astray that you died.

- Then I would die.

(giggling)

- Jeremiah, in you I am well pleased.

I am so glad we had this moment.

I think you are ready.

This may be the last time that we see each other.

In the flesh.

It is time for you to take on a new flesh.

Be one with another.

But you will remember this moment.

On the beach.

At Spooner's Cove.

- I will.

- Now can you go get your mother her dress?

(fire crackling)

- Look at you impotent little creatures

standing there hiding your dicks in shame.

- Hey.

- Oh yes, even you, Leroy.

- That god damn Jeremiah.

He put us all up to this.

- No, no, Jeremiah's a pigeon like the rest of us in this.

- Am I to understand that what we are doing here is--

- Something that has never been done

before here in the great state of California.

We are questioning the integrity of the governor.

- I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm not sure I want to.

- That would mean everything that we believe in is--

- Not everything.

Not everything you believe in has to be shattered.

- But many things.

- Many things.

- Can we even survive knowing that most of

what we believe is an illusion?

- I can't answer that for you, bass player.

Only you can answer that.

For myself, I know that I can survive and I will.

Cannot believe in lies any longer.

I must move forward into something new.

- What is this, something new?

- Veritas.

- Veritas is a good place to start.

- What means veritas?

(speaking foreign language)

- The truth will set you free.

(light music)

(muffled people yelling over each other)

- Kelly?

Kelly, can you hear me?

- April, I can hear you.

- As you can see it is pandemonium.

Pandemonium here in the streets of Bakersfield.

Crowds of people running for their lives

as reports of nudity flood the town.

- April, this naked woman, what does she look like?

- Kelly.

Kelly, I'm losing signal.

(beeping)

- Seems like we've lost April.

As you can see, panic on the streets of Bakersfield tonight.

Crowds reacting to reports of

a nudity outbreak in that fair city.

In another developing story, the governor of California

arrested on charges of racketeering.

For more on this we go to our

political correspondent Kanye Rosenberg.

(light piano music)

(Jeremiah coughing)

- [Jeremiah] What are you doing here, Rosie?

- I don't know.

- Can I ask you another question?

- I guess.

- It's a rather personal question.

And it's about me.

- You wanna ask me a personal question about you?

- I do.

- Sounds dumb.

Shoot.

- Am I going to be a father?

- Why would you ask me that?

- Because you're the only person in the world

who could possibly answer that question for me.

- Maybe someday.

- Maybe someday soon?

- Maybe.

(sighs)

- I have another question for you.

- Okay.

- This child that I (clears throat)

may someday soon be a father to,

are you going to be its mother?

- Maybe.

(light music)

- Rosie.

- What?

- My name is Jeremiah.

- I know what your damn name is.

- I was named after the wailing prophet.

- How nice.

- Have you ever read chapter 29 of Jeremiah

in the Hebrew bible?

- I think I missed that one.

- Do you know what it says?

- Something tells me I'm about to find out.

- "Thus sayeth the Lord and to all

"who are carried away captive,

"build ye houses and dwell in them,

"plant gardens and eat of the fruit therein."

- Do I look bored?

'Cause I kind of feel like-- - There's more.

- I'm sure.

- "Take ye wives, beget sons and daughters.

"Take wives for your sons, husbands for your daughters,

"that they, too, may be fruitful and multiply."

- And why are you quoting bible verses to me?

- Rosie.

- What?

- Will you marry me?

- Shit!

Shit!

- You know, if this had been a multiple choice question

that would not have been--

- Are you serious?

You are serious.

Shit!

- Again, that's not the reaction I was--

- I hate you half the time.

- Well there's a time for hate.

- Oh, did Jeremiah the wailing prophet say that, too?

- No that was Ecclesiastics.

- Shit!

I'm a handful.

- I have strong hands.

- You live in a hotel.

- It's a very nice hotel.

- You're old.

- Well, I'm aging well.

- Yeah.

(sniffs)

You'll be good to me?

- I'll be good to you.

- You'll be there?

- I will be there.

- You'll be there? - I will be there.

So?

- So what?

- So will you marry me?

- I guess.

- Not good enough.

- You know, I say you better take

what you can get-- - Rosie.

- What? - Will you marry me?

(sighs)

- I will.

(light music)

- Senor.

Now, senor?

(light mariachi music)

- Well, that was random.

- I thought it was a nice touch.

- Ah, no, honestly I can't really tell.

- Kiss me. - No.

- Kiss me. - No, you know that band

thing kinda threw me off,

I'm not really-- - Kiss me.

(singing in foreign language)

(light music)

- [Rosie] Holy shit.

- Wife, once the child is born you are gonna

have to clean up that potty mouth.

- This must have something to do with the governor

and the Mexicans and the musicians.

- This has something to do with Genesis 2:25.

- I did not know you were so religious.

- And they were both naked, man and his wife,

and they were not ashamed.

- Yeah, but we're not naked.

- Darling, don't kid yourself, we're all always naked.

Always naked all the time.

Anyone who tells you differently is hiding something.

(light music)

♪ Get your freak on ♪

♪ Better think twice ♪

♪ Baby's coming over so you better be nice ♪

♪ Get your freak on, on and on ♪

♪ Mama's little baby dances all night long ♪

♪ Get your freak on ♪

♪ Get your freak on ♪

♪ You better phone home, better phone home ♪

♪ See you sitting in the kitchen now all year long ♪

♪ Guitar man, you better phone home ♪

♪ Knowing there's at least a little girl all alone ♪

♪ Better phone home ♪

♪ Better phone home ♪

♪ I'm behind your back, hands on the hood ♪

♪ And get up against the wall ♪

♪ Break it to them gently, break it to them hard ♪

♪ Break it to them sideways before it gets dark ♪

♪ Break the to them right there in the yard ♪

♪ Take it, shake it, break it right off ♪

♪ So get your freak on, better think twice ♪

♪ Baby's coming over so you better be nice ♪

♪ Get your freak on, on and on ♪

♪ Mama's little baby dances all night long ♪

♪ Get your freak on ♪

♪ Get your freak on ♪