Original subtitles

Previously on The West Wing:

When was the last time you went to a meeting?

A.A.?

What meeting could I possibly go to?

Mine.

John, tell you are not showing...

Leo, I have got my own meeting.

There are nine of us-- three Senators

two Cabinet Secretaries, one Federal Judge

and two Agency Directors.

There's an agent outside.

The whole thing looks like a card game.

Do I have enemies in that room?

All our people.

You should think about it.

MAN: "We humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

"We made a list of all persons we had harmed

"and became willing to make amends to them all.

"We made direct amends to such people wherever possible

"except when to do so would injure them or others.

"We continued to take personal inventory

"and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

"We sought through prayer and meditation to improve

"our conscious contact with God as we understood Him--

"as we understood Him--

( clears throat )

"praying only for knowledge of His will for us

"and the power to carry that out.

"Having had a spiritual awakening

"as a result of these steps

"we tried to carry this message to alcoholics

and practice these principles in all our affairs."

Okay, I haven't chaired in awhile.

What do we do next?

Now is when we usually start drinking.

Okay. Actually, I want to talk

about something before we start.

If you're going to try and get my committee

to fund that idiot-ass airplane that can't fly...

It can fly.

That's right. Just can't land.

Small price to pay, to be able to fly.

No, I wanted to talk about Leo.

I'll fund the plane, but I'm not going to fly on it.

Well, I've been wondering for a while

if it's a good idea that Leo keeps coming to these meetings.

Why?

Look, every meeting's for anybody.

You don't have a password at the door

just walk in and sit down.

Except where anonymity is crucial--

even among other alcoholics-- commercial airline pilots

surgeons and us.

Right. Well...

Leo's out. He got outed.

And I'm wondering

if it's wise that he's leaving a trail of bread crumbs

to this room every Thursday night when he could go

to any meeting... But he can't go to any meeting.

There'd be photographers camped at the door.

I don't know any meeting where there aren't six guys

that wouldn't beat the crap out of anybody...

Yeah, that's what we want.

Yeah, so I think we should consider this...

HOYNES: Guys.

My meeting. Leo stays.

There it is.

Know what I forgot?

"What we see here, what we say here

"what we hear here

stays here."

ALL: Here, here.

Anybody want to start?

I will.

I'm John. I'm an alcoholic.

ALL: Hi, John.

You wanted me?

You guys go out?

Toby had Capitals tickets.

Good game?

You know what I'd do if I...?

No, it wasn't.

You know what I'd do if I owned a hockey team?

I'd hire a sumo wrestler.

I'd give him a uniform, transportation

500 bucks a week to sit in the goal

eat a ham sandwich and enjoy the game.

My team would never get scored on.

Your team would get scored on constantly.

Maybe, but we'd sell a few tickets.

Yeah, 'cause sumo wrestling

sells out all the time in big hockey towns.

My idea is totally inviable?

Well, you're a Democrat.

It's a pretty big club.

What did you need?

Uh, Health, Education and Welfare

is marking up the Internet Education Act tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

Yeah.

And they told us when?

An hour ago.

They're zeroing out the Technology Challenge Fund.

That's the Vice President's thing.

You want to know for how long?

I was working for him when he created it.

Does he know?

No.

What do you think

he's going to say when you tell him?

I think he's going to say

"Josh, you look remarkably like Sam Seaborn."

I can think of a lot of people

who are better suited to this than I am.

Who? Leo.

Leo says you. Why didn't he say you?

I don't have the best relationship

with Hoynes, and neither does Leo.

I don't understand. You just go in there and say

"I'm sorry, Mr. Vice President.

It isn't going to happen."

Don't you think he's going to be miffed

if it comes from the Deputy Communications Director?

Well, we don't want you to say "I'm sorry."

We want you to work with him and save the bill.

Oh. All right.

When?

His office is expecting you

in 20 minutes.

What about the meeting?

My meeting?

Yeah. You'll come late.

You still don't want to tell me what it's about?

No big deal. You'll find out

when you get there. All right.

Thank you.

( sighs )

I've lost my binder from National Strategies.

The blue one?

The black one with the secret launch codes.

It'll turn up.

I also need

the Cabinet Affairs amplification report.

And if you can get

the AP farm guy back on-line

I'm almost sure Toby gave me

a punchier quote on Ag reorganization.

I shall do those things.

You... "shall"?

I shall.

And I'll tell you what I'd like in exchange.

How about a weekly salary of some kind?

Yes, plus a favor.

Name it.

It's a big favor.

What do you need?

I had an English teacher in the 12th grade

named Molly Morello, and she was one of those teachers

and she's retiring.

For me, it was Mr. Feig

for American history A.P. and Con Law.

Right. Unusual as it may seem

we're talking about me.

And the big favor you want.

All right, tell me about Mr. Feig.

No, I think that moment's done

except to say that he meant the world to me

and he died four years ago.

Okay, well, Mrs. Morello is retiring.

Not quite as bad as dying.

How hard is it to get a Presidential proclamation?

Molly Morello Day?

I was hoping for Molly Morello Month

but I should be realistic.

Yes.

And that would be Molly Morello Day?

That would be a nice letter from the principal.

Oh, come on. Get him to sign

a piece of paper, a little proclamation.

"A little piece of paper"?

Proclamations have the full force of law.

The Emancipation Proclamation, to name just one.

To name the only one.

Listen, I-I don't know

what's involved with these things.

Probably have advisory boards, commissions.

The NATO Commander's involved, possibly.

Can I find out what's involved?

Yeah, but find me

the blue notebook first, would you?

Yeah.

I'm going to the meeting now.

Got a minute?

If I said no, would it stop you?

No. NEAP figures are out today.

Okay. They're up.

So, instead of trailing 18 third-world countries

in reading and math, we trail how many?

Up's better than down. Either way, it's news.

The Education Secretary ought to make a statement.

Tomorrow's no good.

We've got half a dozen events on the books.

We keep saying education's our number-one priority.

And tomorrow, we're trying to make news

on five of our other number-one priorities.

Don't you have a meeting?

Two meetings, actually.

Oh, I'll check the calendar.

Up's better than down.

Where to find a chisel and a stone tablet.

I need to know what the Cabinet's doing tomorrow.

Ideally, sometime before tomorrow.

10:30, Drug Czar on border control.

Noon, HUD Secretary

on home ownership loans.

Also noon, technical briefing at ONDCP on...

Is it... Go back.

What's at noon?

ONDCP technical...

No, the Housing Secretary.

Home ownership loans

at the HUD Event Stage.

Something wrong?

Page the Secretary of Housing and Urban Development.

I want to see him in my office.

When? Look at my face.

Now.

I'm in the Roosevelt Room.

Want me to pull you out when...?

Please.

Okay, we're e-filing the old 1040A.

You're single, head of your household.

Deanna's a dependent.

Your adjusted gross income is $35,000 per anum.

Sir, I could do most of this myself.

I love doing this.

Really?

Yeah.

Filing tax returns?

Yeah.

Okay.

What? I was just thinking

about the plurality of Americans

who made the decision to pull a lever

that had your name next to it.

Suckers.

Okay, your mom's Social Security

pension benefit is $1,536.

Police pension, $2,400.

And here's where my question is.

"Do you take a standard deduction

or do you itemize?"

Yes, sir.

Did you make any charitable donations?

$500 to the First Baptist Church

$185 to the Salvation Army

in clothing and household items

$500 to the Police Benevolent Society of Washington, DC

and $250 to Big Brothers and Sisters of Washington, DC.

Really?

Yeah, plus $430 in non-reimbursed medical expenses.

You're better off with the standard deduction.

Okay.

I'm hitting "send" now.

If you're lying about any of this

you're going to the joint.

Yeah.

It's going to tell us what your refund is

but I've done a quick calculation

and it'll be $700.

That's what I got, too.

You've spent it already, haven't you?

I'm getting a scan DVD player

with MP3 playback.

Free shipping and tax, it's $499

which will leave enough left over

to buy a great DVD I found on eBay.

Yeoman of the Guard?

Oh, how well you know me, Mr. President.

On Her Majesty's Secret Service.

Can I tell you what's messed up

about James Bond?

Nothing. Shaken not stirred will get you cold water

with a dash of gin and dry vermouth.

The reason you stir it

with a special spoon is so not to chip the ice.

James is ordering a weak martini and being snooty about it.

Well, I'll reflect on that while watching

my digital enhanced picture with theater-quality sound.

( beeping )

Okay.

$700?

$400.

I'm only getting $400 back?

You owe $400.

They're saying I owe the Federal Government money.

And you don't even need a stamp.

Hand it over.

There's a mistake.

Whatever. Hand it over.

There's no way I owe money.

That's not quite how we see it.

Could I sit down there, please?

Sure.

Good evening, Mr. President.

You need me?

Yes, sir.

Let's go inside. Milo? Coop?

Would you help Mr. Young find his pockets, please?

I'm fine.

There's been a mistake.

I'm sorry to come straight to you

but Leo's unavailable right now.

You should be getting a call from the Energy Secretary

any minute. What happened?

The wire service is reporting that a heavy-haul vehicle

carrying depleted uranium fuel rods crashed

in the Seven Devil Mountains in Idaho.

It crashed? It was hit head-on by another truck

in the Goldfield Tunnel on Route 234.

Are there populated areas nearby?

Elk Horn's about 20 miles away

with a population of 20,000. Charlie?

The Energy Secretary's on the phone.

Conference in the Chief

of the Radiological Assistance Team. Yes, sir.

Charlie, get me Fitzwallace, Nancy McNally

and let all the senior members of the NSC know

I might need them tonight.

Yes, sir.

Thank you, Mr. President.

Yeah.

A truck carrying depleted uranium fuel rods

just crashed in Idaho

20 miles from a populated town.

Well, what's happening right now?

The President's talking to Tommy

about the radiation threat

and he's talking to some National Security people.

There's a problem.

I'm just telling them.

It was a 24-ton Type B

light cask, holding spent fuel rods

from the nuclear carrier Truman.

ED: Does "24-ton Type B" mean anything

to anybody? It's a heavy truck.

You've got to hit it with

another heavy truck.

Why National Security? C.J.: What?

You said he was also talking to National Security people.

Two trucks in a completely deserted area

and they just happen to crash into each other?

I'd want to talk to somebody, at least.

JOSH: All right, listen.

Postpone the meeting.

TOBY: No, let's do it.

This is going to be all night.

When we get pulled out, we get pulled out.

It doesn't really seem appropriate right now.

You spent a long night with Bruno last night.

Yeah.

And Bruno spent a long night with Doug the night before.

And?

There's no electoral math

they can come up with-- none--

that says it's not worth exploring

replacing the Vice President on the ticket.

I had said-- I joked-- that if we win reelection

it was going to be on the Vice President's coattails.

The way I'm sure I said it is because it was leaked.

How has the electoral math changed since then?

By the way... the group of people were chosen

because they're the people

Leo wanted to hear from tonight

but also, because he was confident there wouldn't

be a leak

and I hope we live up to that.

How has the math changed?

Bruno doesn't think

Hoynes buys us Texas with Ritchie in the race.

If we lose Texas this time, we lose Florida this time

that's a third of the electoral votes we need to win.

Th-There's a reason the Republicans are nominating

this man. Who does?

What? Who does win Texas for us?

Nobody.

We're... we're losing Texas.

Wait a second, before we go on to who does win Texas...

I was just saying... We've been talking

about this for a minute and 17 seconds

and we're already discussing

new candidates? I was saying

if no one's going to win us Texas

then why change it all?

Can I make it clear nobody's

advocating anything. Bruno and Doug are.

Bruno asked for a discussion.

What was the answer to C.J.'s question?

The Northeast and the Pacific coast

and the industrial Northwest. JOSH: Yeah.

If we don't have Florida and Texas

it means we have to sweep those three.

Yeah. And he thinks Hoynes hurts us there?

He thinks someone else could help us more.

Did he say who? Yes.

Who?

Fitzwallace.

He said Fitzwallace, Toby.

And when you think about it...

Yeah.

Josh.

Yeah.

How's it going in there?

It's... you know, we're just starting.

Well, make sure you get creative.

Get people thinking

even though you know... Yeah.

I'm going to go in there alone for a minute.

( clears throat )

( knocking )

Hey.

I was just briefed.

They're setting up a Joint Operations Command in Elk Horn.

I wish I'd been here a half hour ago.

What would you have done a half hour ago

that hasn't already been done?

I'd have known a half hour ago what I know now.

This is exactly why I'm not going to my meeting anymore--

it's a luxury. I know.

If only technology could invent some way

to get in touch with you in an emergency.

Some sort of telephonic device

with a personalized number we could call

to let you know that we needed you.

Perhaps it would look something like this, Mr. Moto!

You should've called me.

Would you stop?

All right.

Obviously, we're coordinating with the Governor's office

and State FEMA in Boise.

You know, I've noticed that other people

keep a set of comfortable clothes in their office

for when they have to work late.

I like that-- you should do that, too.

I do do that.

Oh. You should change.

You see me wearing a necktie?

Never mind.

Can I have my pager back?

The hazard assessment by the RAD team is good.

No airborne release of cesium isotopes.

No gamma or neutron radiation readings.

But?

Both trucks are still burning.

The fire commander's pulling out his men and equipment

as soon as possible.

I'm pretty sure he's right.

Yeah, these things haven't tested for tunnel fires.

They're built to withstand 1,475 Fahrenheit for 30 minutes

but apparently a train tunnel in Baltimore

burned at 1,500.

Yeah. Leo?

Yes, sir? I knew this

a half hour ago. Right.

This whole night I'm going to be a half hour smarter than you.

Okay. So, you know

about the other truck.

No.

It was stolen from a rest stop

outside of Glenn's Ferry two weeks ago.

The driver's dead? Yeah.

Arab? No.

He's Garry Vernon Clarke.

Is that his name, or is that what we think it is

right now? Looks like it was an accident.

In what happens to be the most dangerous

and unanticipated situation

for the transportation of nuclear waste.

Yes.

( sighs )

What's that meeting next door?

Don't worry about it.

Did I leave a folder called "Southeast Targets and..."

Thank you.

DONNA: I've been putting together

a folder of my own.

All the things that need to be done

in order for the President to issue a proclamation.

What has to be done?

Let me check... Nothing.

Donna... Nothing has to be done.

He can't just issue a proclamation.

He can. No, I'm saying he can't

just because you want him to.

What's next, executive clemency

if you're having a bad hair day?

I never have a bad hair day

and Molly Morello was a public school teacher for 41 years.

Which is nice, but these things

are for important causes

not individual perks for staffers...

National Digestive Diseases Awareness Week.

When was that? Right now.

It began after General Pulaski Memorial Day.

Look, if you're going to mock the dead...

February was National Sewing Month, by the way.

It's still the President's name and reputation.

We haven't vetted this woman.

You're saying what if she's a lesbian?

If she were a lesbian we could talk.

I'm saying what if she's a bicycle thief?

I doubt... Don't doubt it. Know it.

Do a Google search, then talk to me.

Sorry, you been waiting a while?

Good evening, sir. No, that's fine.

I got held up at a poker game.

I love poker.

I heard you had Caps tickets?

Yes, sir. How was the game?

Not very good.

Have you ever seen a good hockey game?

No. Me, neither.

I love sports, I just can't get next to hockey.

See, I think Americans like to savor situations.

One down, bottom of the ninth

one-run game, first and third

left-handed batter

right-handed reliever

infield at double-play depth, here's the pitch.

But scoring in hockey seems to come

out of nowhere.

The play-by-play guy is always shocked.

"LePetier passes to Huckenchuck who skates past the blue line.

Huckenchuck, of course, was traded from Winnipeg

for a case of Labatts

after sitting out last season with...

Oh, my God, he scores!"

So, what's going on?

( Sam sighs )

They're marking up the Internet Education Act tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

Yes, sir, and they're

zeroing out the Technology Challenge Fund.

Tomorrow?

Yes, sir. We only heard

about it tonight. We're going to save this thing.

That's what I'm here for.

It's only $52 million.

It's going to be embarrassing.

75% of the poorest Americans don't have Internet access.

60% of blacks and Hispanics don't have Internet access.

I have to make some calls.

Yeah, the problem is...

What?

The Chairman.

You attacked him at the DNC Spring...

You sent me to attack him.

I understand.

They're marking it up tomorrow?

Yes, sir.

You're going to do this for me.

You're going to get this done. Yes, sir.

LARRY: Decorated in Vietnam, defense hawk...

ED: There'd be astronomical black turnout in Georgia

North Carolina and Louisiana.

All of the sudden

the South is on the table.

Does anyone even know if he's a Democrat?

He would be now.

Certainly, no Republican

would criticize him.

These guys are right.

Black turnout would explode.

We'd realign the country.

That's assuming it stays a two-man race.

Who's going to get into it

this late?

John Hoynes.

Hoynes, as... an Independent?

Yeah.

The guy practically has corporate sponsorship.

The Tostitos Vice President

is going to lead an independent movement?

It's not that ridiculous.

It is that ridiculous!

He'd be finished in politics.

Some future he'll have

after we publicly humiliate him

by kicking him off the ticket.

So, bring it on. What are we afraid of?

How about a household name

with his own base of conservative Democrats

and populist Independents.

TOBY: Starts at 15, maybe 20%.

Now, every state's up for grabs 'cause it's a three-way.

But he'll lose.

Which is gratifying, of course

but not much of a consolation since we'll lose, too.

Say what you want, Hoynes is a pragmatist.

To do this, he'd be the craziest Vice President

since Aaron Burr-- and Burr shot a guy.

I can't believe we're talking about this.

Your meeting.

Getting that a lot these days.

So... that leaves us where?

Wondering if

Fitzwallace is a Democrat or a Republican.

like you're getting tripped up on 1783.

Which is?

HR-1783; it's the tax rebate from last year.

Why would that affect my return for this year?

Did you get a tax rebate last year?

Yeah. There's the answer.

Where's the answer?

The rebate came off this year's taxes.

That's how we paid for it.

Hang on.

The money I got back last year has to be paid for?

Yeah.

That's not a rebate; that's an advance.

Well, technically, I guess.

Not technically.

This is like getting a Christmas bonus

and having it deducted from your January paycheck.

This doesn't sound like very patriotic talk to me, Charlie.

It's not. Why did you call it

a rebate?

So people would spend it.

If they thought it was an advance, they might save it.

It was an advance.

Did you spend it? I paid my VISA bill.

We would have preferred

if you ate in a restaurant or traveled.

Me, too. Well, in any event...

What?

Oh, what are you, the collector?

PRESIDENT: Leo?

He used the rebate

to pay off his VISA bill.

It wasn't a rebate; it was an advance.

A trip to Banana Republic would have killed you?

Let's go.

The problem is we don't know anything.

That's never been a problem for us before.

We don't know anything until we can get

into the tunnel, and we can't get into the tunnel

until the place cools down.

Until we can get into the tunnel

we don't know if we have to evacuate Elk Horn.

Well, that's FEMA's call, isn't it?

Well, FEMA's indicated

they're going to want to make it the Governor's call

and the Governor's indicated

he's going to want you to step in.

I should set a ransom.

I'll tell you what the radiation levels are

but first I want your electoral votes.

Or is that a bad strategy?

It's pretty bad.

Okay, no ransom.

We'll play this one straight.

What about other shipments?

There are two other shipments

on the road tonight.

One's low-level radioactive waste--

mostly medical.

It's being shipped on three rail cars in South Carolina.

Have we stopped the train?

Yeah. The National Guard's

going to secure it till we know what happened.

What about the second?

That's more problematic.

There's about 200 pounds

of what's called "trans-uranic" materials

from Rocky Flats where they assemble the nuclear triggers.

They're about 150 miles

away from Carlsbad

and we can't tell them to pull over

'cause that makes them more vulnerable.

They beefed up the escort? Yeah.

Okay.

Thank you, Mr. President.

No one knew if Eisenhower was a Democrat

or a Republican before he ran.

Grant had only voted once

in his life, and it was for the other guys.

Grant works as an example in almost any situation.

That's Grant's legacy.

Plus, he won the Civil War.

What about Leo?

What did I do? As running mate.

Bartlet-McGarry.

Done.

It's not absurd, you know.

Yes, it is.

It's not totally absurd.

Yes, it is.

He wants your parking space.

JOSH: I really don't.

It's not totally absurd.

You have a good parking space.

You know, if it weren't for the drinking

and the Valium...

And yet, Grant... That's right.

They went to Lincoln.

They said, "Grant's a drunk."

He said, "Send all my generals a case

of whatever he's drinking."

LARRY: I see a 30-second spot.

You guys don't think an alcoholic can be Vice President?

You really think the 20th century

didn't see an alcoholic in the West Wing?

I'll be around.

( door opens )

( door shuts )

Hey... Leo.

They didn't mean anything.

Yeah, I didn't take anything.

What's going on in Idaho?

The tunnel's still hot.

We're looking at evacuating Elk Horn.

Elk Horn is 20,000.

Yeah.

We've done this before?

For hurricanes, yeah.

This is a radioactive cloud.

I wouldn't call it a cloud.

You wouldn't call it the end of a Yankee game either.

I don't know.

You got your sirens

route and tone alerts on local radio and TV.

Paul Reveres go out...

Civil defense volunteers?

Yeah, we got the armory in Caldwell

75 miles away for refugees.

Still, we're talking about widespread panic

and chaos, right?

I assume.

Anything else?

I don't want to go back to my meeting.

Well, you're not staying here.

Okay.

HOYNES: There must be $100, $110 million

for distance learning and telemedicine.

Can we shave that down?

There are three rural members on the committee

who love distance learning.

I'm not sure I see the point

if the rural poor don't have Internet hookups.

What if we just plus up the entire bill?

Sir?

We get our Internet $52 million

they get to add $52 million for Internet blocking software

or whatever they want.

Why can't we do that?

Well, one of the problems is they're deficit hawks.

We're deficit hawks, too, aren't we?

That's the other problem.

All right, work with me here.

Now, what do they want--

a bridge, a highway, a soda machine?

They want your name off the bill.

Sir, they want your name off of it.

They love this bill.

Helping the poor learn computers

so they can lift themselves up by their bootstraps--

it gets voted out of committee unanimously.

But it's an election year.

When is it not an election year?

( sighing )

I like what Daniel Webster said

when the Whig Party offered him Vice President.

"I do not propose to be buried until I am dead."

I used to be every Republican's favorite Democrat.

Ah...!

Screw it, Sam.

Absolutely, Mr. Vice President.

( sighing )

Let's take my name off it.

Yes, sir.

Where's Secretary Fisher?

He can't make it tonight.

Excuse me?

The Secretary's at an NGA reception

at the Willard Hotel.

She says he can see you tomorrow afternoon.

"She."

His scheduler.

We paged him.

She called back.

( chuckling )

Call Fisher, or his scheduler

and say I want the Secretary here in half an hour

to talk about moving his announcement

to the White House briefing room...

'cause we have more TV cameras.

'Cause we have more...

The most dangerous place in Washington

is between Bill Fisher and a TV camera.

Clean as a whistle.

Thank you.

Molly Morello.

Look, uh...

When was the last time I asked you for anything?

By the way, I found this.

What?

"A proclamation to modify the quantitative limitations

applicable to the imports of wheat gluten."

We are just a little rococo, aren't we?

Why is Molly Morello less worthy of a proclamation

than General Pulaski?

I wish I knew who General Pulaski was.

This is what I mean.

She's not less worthy

but neither is she more worthy

than the other 90,000 public school teachers

who are retiring this year.

Who weren't lucky enough

to have a White House staffer as a former student.

But that's where we get into trouble.

Who would find out?

"Who would find out"

is also where we frequently find trouble.

You're right.

Yes.

All right, you're right.

Hey, you get it done?

Yeah.

He's taking his name off it?

Yeah.

Well, it feels like we're almost done in there.

You want to tell me what this meeting's about now?

Replacing Hoynes.

What are you talking about?

Bruno wanted us to look at replacing Hoynes.

Josh.

So, we're looking at it.

What's the big...?

We're looking at it

and everybody's treating me like...

Why?

There's electoral math.

Was I sent away? No.

I wasn't sent to Hoynes' office

so I wouldn't be at that meeting?

No.

Is this ser... I mean, are you talking about names?

Fitzwallace, Leo, and Ulysses S. Grant.

Not for nothing

but before we go in there, I want to be clear.

I didn't have to convince him, or even suggest it.

Right off the bat, he said, "Let's take my name off it."

( knocking ) Yeah?

The Vice President.

Thanks. You can go home now.

I go home when you go home.

Mr. Vice President.

I like your style.

It's money well-spent.

It deserved to have your name on it.

Well, I've got my name on other stuff.

You know what I don't like?

I don't like we can't campaign on it.

Can you sit for a minute?

Yeah.

I'm in a bind, and I think you know what it is.

I'm sorry, I don't.

I have to respect the anonymity of an alcoholic

and I can't reveal what's said in a meeting

but I've got a responsibility

to the President, and in fact to the country.

And so...

Leo, I-I-I'm sorry.

I honestly don't know what you're saying.

John, you've got to tell the President.

Tell him what?

That you're an alcoholic.

Are you telling me he doesn't know?

How would he know?

You didn't tell him?

Of course I didn't tell him.

Before you picked me, you didn't tell him?

No.

I... I always assumed...

No.

Well.

Let's go see our boss.

( knock at door )

Hey.

How was the NGA?

Oh, you know the Governors--

too many mandates, too little money.

I can hear that one at home.

( chuckling ): Good one.

The Governors liked it.

Yeah. Have you announced for the Governor

of New Jersey, Bill?

Excuse me? Did I miss

an announcement somewhere?

That's three years away.

I'm just trying to serve the President...

'Cause I've never heard

of these home ownership loans, so I'm assuming

it's a campaign proposal.

Camden and Newark will go nuts

but I know it's not a national program.

Give me a break.

You know how I know? 'Cause national programs

are announced by the President of the United States

unless this White House passes

on them first.

Toby, this is a nickel and dime program. Calm down.

You're right. I forgot.

We're announcing a brand new replacement

for Social Security tomorrow.

I thought we were here to talk about...

They're not your nickels, Bill.

They're not your dimes.

Whoa! Hang on a minute.

The President asked me to join his Cabinet.

He asked me to stall my political career with the agreement

that he would help me when my...

Apparently, you don't want his help.

You're too busy helping yourself.

If this announcement makes A17

of the Metro section, I'd be surprised.

There's one name on the ballot this November, Bill.

Not yours, not mine.

Not the Governor of New Jersey, and believe me

no one will work harder

than Jed Bartlet to put you there.

But this President loses re-election

your career's finished, and so is mine.

What's your point?

( sighs )

Next time you announce new policy

that isn't cleared by this office

we're announcing you're moving back to New Jersey.

What about the loans?

C.J. will announce them tomorrow from the podium.

Oh, come on, Toby, at least let me do it with the President.

It's too small for the President.

I've got to go back to a meeting.

PRESIDENT: Yup.

It was the rebate.

It wasn't a rebate.

It was an advance.

You say potato.

I do say potato, and so does everybody else I know.

We wanted to inject some money into retail and tourism.

Why not wait until people were supposed to have the money?

The economy might have improved on its own by then.

In which case, the whole thing

would have been pointless in the first place.

Yeah.

Economists just make it up as they go along, don't they?

Yeah.

Did it work?

Not that much.

Most people did what you did.

They saved or they paid down debt.

We don't want people to save and reduce their personal debt?

We do

but when the next guy's President.

You win.

I always do.

Yes, sir.

I'll tell you what I find interesting, though.

What's that, sir?

You.

$35,000

a year, a sister to support

and you gave $1,435 to charity?

I'm not so sure that check isn't better off

in your hands than ours.

Oh, I'm taking it.

Don't be ridiculous.

But when you get to your place tonight

you're going to find a new DVD player

and that wimp-ass Bond movie.

Mr. President... And I threw in

Yeoman of the Guard on CD.

That was an incredibly nice gesture.

I'm really something.

Mr. President.

Hey, John.

Could we have a minute, please, sir?

Yeah.

Charlie, let's get that woman on the phone.

I'm feeling magical tonight.

They're in the tunnel now

and the readings don't show anything

beyond the predictable level of background radiation.

The flatbed's back on its way

and the Carlsbad is behind gates

so we dodged the bullet.

Yeah.

We pack this stuff in two inches

of stainless steel, four inches

of lead.

We've rammed it with trains and dropped it from helicopters

and it still isn't going to protect us

from the thing we haven't thought of.

They took a cask out to Aberdeen Proving Ground

and shot a TOW missile clean through it.

They showed me video.

What can I do for you?

LEO: Sir, there's something very important

we need to talk to you about.

What?

Well, it's delicate and

surprising, and I want to make sure

your first reaction is measured

so I'd like us to...

I'm a recovering alcoholic.

Really?

Yes, sir.

Is there anybody left who's not?

Sir...

For how long? I'm sorry?

How long have you been in recovery?

My last drink...

It was the year I was 22.

Did you say 22? Yes, sir.

You haven't had a drink since you were 22?

That's right.

I didn't start drinking till I was 25.

What the hell

do you guys count as...

Yeah, I know, but there's a history in my family

and I had a few experiences in college.

I liked beer a lot

so I started going to meetings

and I'm pretty sure if I stopped...

Twenty-two?

Yes, sir.

You and James Bond ought to team up.

I don't...

Don't worry about it.

He's ordering a watered-down martini, and, Leo

what the hell is this meeting that's going on all night

across the hall?

We can talk about it later.

It's a meeting about having me

replaced on the ticket.

I know how to count

to 270.

John, I assure you...

I assure you that if it were a serious notion, we would...

Texas is gone, so is Florida. We're not doing it.

You should think about it. Hey, did I hear right?

Are you taking your name off that bill?

Nobody benefits from the Internet right now

more than the rural poor.

You're taking your name off.

We can't campaign on it.

Yes, sir.

And if somebody's attacking us, you know what to do.

I call Leo.

Yeah

but don't discount the possibility

that it might be Leo.

Yes, sir.

John, despite this

recent revelation that you drank beer in college

I've always liked you a little more

than you thought I did

but that's not why you're staying.

It's this.

Four words.

I've always liked you more

than you thought I did, too, Mr. President.

Just a little, right?

Yes, sir.

Me, too.

Anything else?

Thank you, Mr. President.

Thank you, sir.

Charlie!

Yes, sir.

Let's go. I'm a magic man.

Donnatella.

Good evening, Mr. President.

Tell Josh

that General Pulaski was a Polish Brigadier General

who vanquished the Russian and Prussian military

then came to the colonies

and commanded our cavalry

during the American Revolution.

I will, sir.

It says here in a briefing paper

hastily written by Deputy Josh Lyman

that in the '60s

when the Madison Superintendent of Schools banned

Twelfth Night for reasons passing understanding

a Mrs. Molly Morello

had students over to her home on Saturdays

to read it.

I didn't know that, sir.

Josh wrote you a memo on Molly Morello?

Yeah

'cause all I had tonight was a nuclear spill in Idaho.

It says she came in two hours early

to teach an AP English class

she developed herself

'cause the school didn't offer one.

I was in that class.

Sounds like she deserves a proclamation.

I wish I could give her one, but I can't.

I totally understand.

It's just too much inside baseball, you know?

You're very nice to even talk to me about it.

Charlie, I've been tapping my finger

on the desk for about a minute now.

Sir?

The magic-man thing works a lot better

when you pick up

on the signals, Tonto.

What's that you say?

There's a phone call for Donna?

Good evening.

This is the White House.

For whom are you holding?

WOMAN: I'm holding for Donna Moss.

This is Mrs. Morello.

Oh, my God.

Donna?

Mrs. Morello, it's me.

Is everything all right?

Everything's fine.

I hadn't heard from you in such a long time

so I thought...

No. Everything's fine.

Sally Seidelman told me you were retiring.

At the end of this year.

Well, I... I just wanted

to say...

I don't know, I just...

I just wanted to say...

I don't know.

Are-are you sure everything's all right?

( whispers ): Tell her where you are.

Donna?

Mrs. Morello, I'm in the Oval Office

with the President of the United States

and it's because of you.

Mrs. Morello?

What a thing to say.

Well, we're all very proud of you, Donna.

She didn't do anything.

Was that...

It's Jed Bartlet, Mrs. Morello.

I've got a couple of questions.

When you taught Beowulf

did you make the kids read it in the original Middle English

or did you use a translation?

We used a translation, Mr. President.

Okay. We're going to call that the James Bond version.

Yes, sir.

What are you planning on doing with your retirement?

My husband and I are going to travel a little.

That's great.

I'd stay away from the Elk Horn, Idaho, area

for a little while.

You'll read why in the morning.

Let's talk about Twelfth Night.

C.J.: Twenty-two?

Yeah.

You haven't had a drink since you were 22?

Right.

Ulysses S. Grant would have slapped your face.

He did once.

JOSH: Listen, it's fine

that this is funny

and, Mr. Vice President, I couldn't care less

but what about the campaign?

What about it? The President

just got past an honesty issue.

TOBY: He's not past it.

JOSH: If it becomes public...

C.J.: That's a big assumption.

No, it's not.

LEO: I think that issue

is probably worth further discussion

but we're done talking about the ticket.

The President's made it very clear he wants

the Vice President to remain the Vice President

and he wrote down

his one and only reason.

"Because I could die."

JOSH: Well, of course

he's right, sir.

It doesn't solve the problem of the electoral math.

I don't know what the field's

going to look like after Labor Day.

The Etch-a-Sketch will be shaken up

a little, but right now

the math's tough.

And I know you all think

he's a punch line and I know why, but I disagree.

They're sure running the right guy against us.

Am I really the only one who thinks a giant sumo wrestler

in a hockey goal might get the job done?

I don't know.

I'm open to new ideas.