Original subtitles

Previously on The West Wing:

You broke some laws, Abbey, and quite frankly

you should be ashamed of yourself, but...

Oliver! You're going to get asked questions.

You're going to have to tell the truth.

And I was almost sure I saw you

giving the President an injection

of something.

You're not a medical expert, you didn't keep records

you violated medical practices

and most important, you're his wife

which is a violation of the AMA's code of ethics.

It is becoming clear to me

what the President's biggest liability is going to be.

What?

You.

ABBEY: Do you like these earrings?

I do.

You want to look at them first?

Are they new? No.

You've worn them? Yeah.

I love them.

"Laissez-faire doctrine," 15 letters.

Social Darwinism.

No, that's not the answer, see, 'cause social Darwinism

isn't a doctrine, it's a force of nature.

The answer is libertarianism.

I'm going to be ready in two minutes.

Take your time.

Passive aggression is not going to get me out the door faster.

Boo Boo, I gave up on getting you out the door

in the late '70s.

Plus, it's your birthday;

you're old, and you don't move around that fast.

Libertarianism has 14 letters, not 15.

I know, so I'm shading in the extra box.

And it's not my birthday.

It's your birthday week.

It's a week of festivities, like Mardi Gras.

Or Lent.

Three letters, "It may be bitter."

"Tea," right?

It may be bitter? Yeah.

Why tea? 'Cause "woman" doesn't fit.

"End," you idiot. Bitter end. Hey

when the medical board gives you the results of the hearing

do they slap it up on one of those X-ray light boards?

"Here's where the problem is in your testimony, Abbey.

Here, and here."

That...

that's funny!

The other 23 jokes weren't funny.

Well, it's not that they weren't funny

it's just they weren't ha-ha funny, you know?

But 12 years of medical school

my life, my work, my future, everything

up on the X-ray board--

that's comedy!

See, I know it sounds like you're praising me, but...

Oh, shut up.

It's not your life

or 12 years of anything, or anything.

They're going to give you

the very least they can give you.

They can't give me the very least they can give me.

They least they can give me is a Letter of Concern

which is private and unpublished.

But that isn't available to me

because I fought the case and stood by my convictions.

Well, that was stupid.

Do your crossword puzzle.

Standing by your convictions isn't going to get you anywhere.

And this isn't some guy off the street talking.

I'm a very successful politician.

How many people are at this party? About 200.

But that was five or six hours ago, when it started.

Once more with the passive-aggressive.

"Body organ produces hydrochloric acid."

That's the kidney, right?

Or the lima bean? Pancreas.

See, they can't take medical school away from you.

Jed... Abbey

come here.

I know you're scared, but I'm very confident

so you be whatever you want.

Whatever happens, happens tomorrow.

Tonight is your birthday party.

And your earrings are great.

So are your shoes.

So can we, for the love of God

get out of this room?!

Good to get that off your chest?

Yeah.

PRESIDENT: Pheasant and morel consommé

miniature ravioli of fois gras, and smoked goose confit

a little Canary melon sorbet as a palate cleanser.

All served on the finest Lenox china.

ABBEY: Ah. You planned this all yourself?

A '97 Willamette Valley Pinot Noir

a '94 Heck Cellars Zinfandel.

You really planned this all yourself?

I'm like Gatsby, but without the problems.

Listen, we're going to keep this relaxed, right?

I-I'm not sure I'm up for a lot

of First Lady fanfare tonight.

Hmm. What?

I kind of wished you'd mentioned that before.

Why?

( brass plays fanfare )

It's going to be relaxed, it's going to be relaxed.

( fanfare continuing )

For dessert, we're having Kumquat Napoleons.

Shut up. Okay.

( up-tempo jazz plays) Happy birthday, Mrs. B.

Thank you, Josh.

Amy. A friend.

Happy birthday. You look beautiful.

Amy.

You know, I'm responsible for the two of you.

I haven't gotten credit for that yet.

The jury's still out. Yeah, we'll see.

I hope Donna's coming.

Donna was invited; all the women of the West Wing.

We're doing a calendar.

I'm not sure what's keeping her.

MARBURY: Abigail!

PRESIDENT: Now it's a party.

Yes, Your Lordship! Abigail.

Your breasts are magnificent.

Oh, um, thank you, John.

May I inquire, Mr. President

the first thing that attracted you to Abigail

was it her magnificent breasts?

ABBEY: It was.

You know, John, there are places in the world

where it might be considered rude

to talk about the physical attributes of another man's wife.

My God! Really?

Yeah. Abbey, I bring you

warm wishes from Her Royal Majesty.

That was nice of her.

Would that I could deliver

the same wishes for you, Mr. President.

What did I do?

Brendan McGann cannot visit the White House.

Look, obviously

we knew this was going to be a thing

but it doesn't have to be tonight, right?

No, absolutely not.

I shall take it up with Gerald.

Who's Gerald?

I'm pretty sure he means Leo.

Hmm. Oh, do you have a new Chief of Staff?

No.

Well, then Gerald it is.

Abbey, enjoy your birthday gala.

( growling ): I shall await a dance.

I won't make you wait long, Your Lordship.

Excellent.

So! So far so good.

( sighs )

( Leo speaking indistinctly )

Leo?

Yeah, do me a favor, would you?

Check out a rumor that a Robert Nolan

who's the Chairman of the New Hampshire State Medical Board

is going to recuse himself from Abbey's hearing.

N-O-L-A-N?

Yeah.

And what's the source?

I don't know the original source

but it's coming from the Manchester Union Leader

and you got to change taxicabs a couple of times

'cause I don't want the paper knowing we're asking questions.

That's no problem. What's going on?

Well, let's confirm the story first.

If it's true

bring it to the President.

Okay. And one of us... well, you...

need to talk to Abbey tonight about tomorrow.

Happy birthday, Abbey.

I'll get this other thing.

Hey. Hey.

Jack Enlow?

No, it's C.J. Cregg. We've met.

Is Jack Enlow at the party yet?

I'm not at the party yet. Fair point.

Look, if you're planning on starting a rumble with Enlow

can I send the press home?

I'm not an instigator. Yes, you are.

Yeah, but I'm on the side of the angels.

I'll say this about you, you can wear a tuxedo.

I know. I know you know.

Good evening.

Why is Dalton Millgate coming here?

How did you know

he was coming here?

How do you think?

Because you know everything? Yes.

I had him for a semester at school.

He and his people are having trouble

getting funding for a superconductor

and I told him I'd use this opportunity

to put him with Jack Enlow.

You're going to get into a fight

with Jack Enlow? Why does everybody think...?

Never mind.

I'm just doing him a favor.

Okay.

How you feeling about the First Lady?

I was feeling good, and now I'm not. Why?

We're checking it out, but I think

the swing vote's going to recuse himself.

He's a friend of the family.

That means the President's going to want to call him.

Maybe. Yeah, he can't.

What? He can't call him.

It could send us into a whole new thing.

You ever mix politics and the President's family

and get a good result?

No. Me neither

and I've been at this a lot longer.

Okay.

Seriously, he can't pick up the phone.

Isn't it called a supercollider?

Is it?

You called it a superconductor.

Whatever.

Keep blood off your shirt.

I'm not an instigator.

Donna. Hello.

What are you doing here?

Are you having a good time?

The party's started.

Is the champagne flowing as smoothly as the badinage?

Are there elegant men and beautiful gowns?

The men are in tuxes.

And beautiful gowns, I said, not in beautiful gowns.

What are you doing here?

There was a problem when the Secret Service

did its routine background check on the guest list.

A problem with what?

With me.

Donna, you work in the White House.

You fly with the President.

What's the problem?

I do not know.

Just come with me.

Come into the party.

I don't think I should do that. Why?

Well, they'll shoot me.

They wouldn't tell you what the problem was?

They said they'd get back to me.

You want me to get into it?

That'd be very nice.

Okay.

You look good.

Thanks.

Dr. Millgate.

Sam.

It's been a long time.

Yes.

And now the student becomes the teacher, huh?

Not really, no.

Okay. So, did I disappoint you

when I didn't go into physics?

No.

Why?

You were bad at it.

No, I wasn't.

Yeah.

I just needed a little encouragement.

No.

Look, Congress isn't going to fund

your damn superconductor, all right?

Supercollider.

Superconducting Supercollider--

this is exactly what I'm talking about.

A 54-mile tunnel, 150 feet below ground

in which protons and antiprotons

would be flung into each other

at the speed of light.

Can you remember that?

Yes. Good, 'cause when you talk about it

you shouldn't sound like an idiot.

Okay.

There's no lobby for this, Sam.

There's no presence in Washington.

It's just me on the Amtrak coming to see you.

That's how seriously the Government takes it.

Well, there was a time...

I know.

Congress spent $2 billion...

Yeah, but all they did was clear the land and build a lab.

We need the thing. Now, is he there?

The Senator? Yeah. Yeah.

'Cause you said he'd be there, he'd be at the party.

He's there.

Go talk to him.

Okay. I said I'd do this

but it's likely he's going to say

this is an unaffordable luxury.

We're losing the race for discovery, Sam.

For discovery.

Tonight, it's just me and you.

That doesn't really sound like enough.

No.

What hotel are you staying in?

I'm not staying at a hotel.

Where can I call you?

I'm going to be right here.

It's not like a drive-up window, Dr. Millgate.

He's not going to...

You're wasting time.

Okay.

( lush, romantic music plays)

PRESIDENT: Charlie.

Yes, sir?

I'm going to need you later.

Sure.

I want to work on my toast.

Don't you want Sam or Toby?

I don't need help writing it.

I can write a damn toast.

I just want to say it out loud to somebody.

Any warm body is fine.

Thank you, sir.

So when I give you the signal

we'll go off someplace.

What's the signal?

It'll be something like, "Charlie

we're going to go work on the toast now."

Yes, sir.

LEO: Excuse me.

You finally got here.

Yeah.

I think Abbey's going

to pull a hamstring about tomorrow.

You mind if I talk to her a little bit?

About what?

You know, what she should be saying tomorrow.

I'm feeling all right about it.

Well, just in case.

I don't know. She's pretty pissed.

Yeah, but at you, right?

Yeah. Yeah.

So?

All right.

Did she like the fanfare?

Loved it.

Okay.

( dance music playing )

Josh.

Chuck. Good to see you.

I didn't know you were friends

with the First Lady.

My wife.

Oh, sure. You know Amy Gardner?

Just by reputation.

Uh-oh.

I thought you were great

on Crossfire yesterday.

I don't think I was

on Crossfire yesterday.

I meant Josh.

Actually, you meant Sam.

I heard it was you.

No, but as long as you heard I was great.

Listen, uh, you've still got my number, right?

About the thing?

Yeah.

Nice meeting you.

Good seeing you, Chuck.

"About the thing?"

You guys pulling a heist?

No.

Come on.

Let me in on the action.

I can be a dame.

I won't blow the whistle, get you cheesed.

No, Mugsy.

Chuck Kane heads Intergovernmental Affairs at Treasury

and he wants a job on the campaign

as Deputy Political Director.

Is he going to get it?

I don't think so.

Who else are you considering?

Mark Rothman and Robbie Gill.

Hmm.

What?

I was just thinking

Mark and Robbie are funny names for women.

They're men.

I know. They

happen to be men.

They happen to be men.

You're not hiring enough women

in senior positions for the campaign.

How do you know?

It's my job to know.

We're in a dangerous area right now.

If women were the only voters

the Democrats would win

in a landslide every time.

If men were the only voters

the GOP would be the left-wing party.

Women are going to be 60% of your vote.

Don't you think they should make up

I don't know

40% of the campaign staff?

Let me tell you why this is a dangerous area.

Because I can't make decisions based on the fact

that I like your smooth skin.

You're right.

Don't try and trick me.

No, you're really right.

This should be off limits to us.

Yes.

I apologize.

You're trying to trick me.

No.

I'm going to be scared for the rest of the night.

Hey, what happened to Donna?

Donna. Yes.

Excuse me.

Josh.

Yeah.

Where's the President?

He went off with Charlie to work on his toast.

All right, I'm going to need a few minutes

of uninterrupted time...

MARBURY: Gerald!

Yeah.

Gerald...

old sock.

I've got to go.

Yeah.

Brendan McGann cannot come to the White House.

How are you, John?

I'm well, thank you very much.

But Brendan McGann cannot come to the White House.

Hang on. Toby.

You know Toby Ziegler?

Yeah. We've met on occasion.

Toby, come here.

Lord John Marbury.

Yes.

( clears throat )

Good evening, Your, uh, Lordship.

Uh, well, good evening, yes.

Talk to him about McGann.

You have objections to him coming to the White House?

My objections are irrelevant.

I convey the objections

of Her Majesty's Government.

Which are?

He's a terrorist.

Well, let's hang on a second.

Sinn Fein is a political party.

In fact, the oldest in Ireland.

And the political wing of the IRA...

Sir... a terrorist cell.

I wouldn't...

You are honoring a man at your St. Patrick's Day Dinner

allied with car bombers

this not to mention Irish men, women and children.

Yes, sir.

And you are doing it to appease Democrats

from New York City and Boston.

He's not being honored.

He's just been given an invitation.

He shouldn't be given a visa.

And I think we have to be careful

how we use the word "terrorist."

Can I call you John?

I am John, Lord Marbury, Earl of Croy

Marquess of Needham and Dolby, Baronet of Brycey

England's Ambassador to the United States

and a terrorist is a terrorist

even if he wears a green necktie and sings "Danny Boy."

Yes, you can call me John.

You feel like a drink?

Yeah. I was looking for some Lagavulin.

It's a 16-year-old islay

single malt. I know Lagavulin.

They usually have it here.

Let's go down the street.

The guy keeps a bottle there.

Oh. Lead on.

Excuse me?

Senator?

Yes.

Sam Seaborn.

Sure.

I was wondering if you had a moment.

Actually, I promised my wife a dance.

This'll just take a moment.

Believe it or not

I have an eminent physicist in my office.

Dr. Millgate. You've heard of him?

Yes.

He was asking me about the Supercollider

and I didn't have any answers, and...

It's dead.

It is?

As a Greek poet.

Well, I'm sure there are

some poets alive in Greece someplace.

Could you tell me how it died?

I don't know.

Forgive me, sir, you're ranking member

of the authorizing subcommittee.

How can you not know?

It was put on anonymous hold.

That only applies to nominations.

Apparently, you're wrong. Senator...

Anyone can hold any bill for any reason.

I don't understand. You file an objection?

How long does it last?

Until the Senator loses or dies.

All you have to do is

tell your party's floor leader.

That's insane. Says you.

Senator, this isn't a duck hunter

with a gripe in my office.

It's Dalton Millgate.

Now, who's blocking the damn Supercollider?

To guess would compromise the spirit of the anonymous hold.

To tell me would compromise the spirit

of autocratic obstructionism.

We're talking about the U.S. Senate, kid.

We're the saucer that cools the coffee.

And the drain that swallows it, sir.

Check around.

I'm on record in favor of it.

Thank God the hold's anonymous.

It's you.

Sam... you really care

about the Superconducting Supercollider?

I didn't before.

It's a long night, and we're not done yet.

Go dance with your wife.

( applause as music ends )

Hi.

They covered the arrivals

on the news.

Everyone looked so nice.

And happy.

I brought you some food.

What's going on?

Well, I-I don't have all the answers

but it's pretty weird so far.

What?

Secret Service says there's an INS notation

next to your name.

What kind of notation?

U.S. Citizen: N.

They're saying I'm not a U.S. citizen?

No. In... Yes.

I-I don't understand.

They-they're saying... I'm a U.S. citizen.

I was born in Minnesota.

We moved to Wisconsin.

Now I live in Washington.

What the hell happened?

A mistake of some kind.

You think?

We're sorting it out.

I voted in every election since I...

I've paid, by the way, taxes as a citizen of this country.

I have a birth certificate and a passport.

It'll just take a few more minutes.

You brought food?

Olives.

Go away.

All right.

Give me the olives.

Okay.

( door closes )

I'd kind of like to wait

until we know something for sure before we start planning.

Yeah.

The thing is, though, the first day's important.

What I'd like to do, for instance

is schedule a public event

show we're not scared.

( clears throat )

What about a comment?

You'll make a comment

but body language is going to be just as important.

Can't hang your head.

You got to smile, but you look smug...

Yeah. You got to...

Yeah, yeah. And there can't be...

Obviously, there can't be no reaction.

What about the campaign?

I'm not going to tell a man's wife she can't campaign.

I don't know what that means.

I think we can get a lot of use of out you

in targeted Democratic areas.

Big cities, evening fund raisers.

We'll keep you out of the South.

Can we talk about this tomorrow?

We just need to... How about tomorrow?

It's important.

A lot of things are important.

Of course.

I'm sorry.

Enjoy the party.

Thank you.

PRESIDENT: "I've known my wife, Abbey, for nearly 150 years."

I'm not going to do that.

She's not going to think that's funny.

Yeah.

Okay. I should... Yeah. Okay.

"Thank you all for being here tonight."

By the way, do you know where the term "toast" comes from?

Can I say something, sir?

Yeah.

I'd stick to Mrs. Barlet and not get into etymology so much.

I was talking to you.

Ah. The Stuarts.

They'd put a piece of toast in your wine cup

to improve the flavor.

Interesting.

1643, members of the Middle Temple

toasted Princess Elizabeth

by pledging to die in her service.

Hey, that could be the button.

Excuse me, Mr. President.

C.J., I haven't seen you all night.

I haven't been able to make it over there yet, sir.

I've been tracking something down.

Charlie.

Yes, sir.

What is it?

A piece in the Manchester Union Leader.

"Sources close to Robert Nolan

"President of the New Hampshire Medical Board

"predict that he will announce

"his recusal from the case because of his personal...

No, damn it.

relationship with the Bartlets."

What does this mean for her?

We're pretty sure the Board was evenly divided, and Nolan was

the deciding vote, which is what dictated

a lot of her... Damn it!

There was a personal relationship.

Yeah. They worked together for 20 years

and I was the Governor

who appointed him to the Board.

Excuse me, sir.

C.J., you should probably tell Abbey.

Yes, sir. Thanks.

Thank you, Mr. President.

The Union Leader says Nolan's going to recuse himself.

What's going to happen?

They're going to suspend her license for a year.

We just talked for a little bit.

And?

I don't think you need to be concerned

about her leaving you for me.

I was pretty concerned about that.

She's definitely leaving you for somebody, so don't be so...

Can you leave me alone?

I'm trying to be a husband

and your mojo's getting all over me.

Marbury's sitting with Toby.

This is Brendan McGann, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, I don't know what to say about that.

I'll see you inside.

Yeah.

Thank you, Mr. President.

( swing music playing )

ABBEY: Josh.

Good evening, ma'am.

Listen, I'm sorry to do this at a party

but this is a list of names

I'd like you to consider

for Deputy Political Director.

Uh... we got it down to a few finals.

Yeah.

I'd like you to add these names.

I can't help noticing these are all women.

Women are 60% of our vote, Josh.

Don't you think they should make up at least 40%

of our campaign staff?

I'm sorry? Mrs. Bartlet?

I said women are 60% of our vote.

Don't you think...?

Yeah.

You'll get on it?

Yes, ma'am.

Having a good time?

You bet.

You look beautiful.

Thank you, ma'am, and so do you.

Oh...

I need to speak with you for a second.

Oh, this can't be good.

No, I'm afraid not.

Abbey, the Union Leader's got sources saying

Dr. Nolan's going to recuse himself from the case.

Claudia Jean.

Yes, ma'am?

Let's get drunk.

Oh, okay.

Hey, it's a list of women.

Yes, it is.

She got right on it.

Yes, she did.

Do you love me?

You went over my head

and you did it behind my back.

Quite the contortionist, am I.

What kind of position is Abbey Bartlet in

to know anything...

Amy.

Yes, ma'am?

C.J. and I are going to get drunk.

Come on.

Yes, ma'am.

You're going?

The First Lady just asked me to get boozy with her.

You don't think I want to write a book one day?

Amy... You're beeping.

( glasses clinking )

All right, listen.

Yes?

Well, first of all

you're not allowed to smoke in the White House.

You're kidding.

No.

And the search for civilization continues.

Come outside.

I need you to tell me everything you can tell me

about the Superconducting Supercollider.

How much time do you have?

About ten minutes.

If you pay close attention

and stay very, very quiet, I can teach you how to spell it.

Listen, this is what I do.

I get things fast.

Since when?

What is it? It's a machine

that reveals the origins of matter, and I'm assuming

from the look on your face

$1,000 on the table, you couldn't tell me

what matter is.

You know what? I had four years.

There's a lot of knowledge out there.

I may have missed some things.

By smashing protons together

at very high speeds

and at very high temperatures

we can recreate the Big Bang in a laboratory setting

creating the kinds of particles that only existed

in the first trillionth of a second

after the universe was created.

Okay, terrific; I understood that.

What kind of practical applications does it have?

None at all.

You're not in any way a helpful person.

Don't have to be; I have tenure.

Doctor.

There are no practical applications, Sam.

Anybody says different is lying.

I need to be able to show him

I can paint him as against something.

Children, baseball, fresh air, campaign finance.

What does it mean to be against the Supercollider?

I really don't know where to start.

Come on. I really don't.

Listen

what's your motivation?

What are you talking about?

You called me and asked me...

Well, you did me the favor

but now you're still going.

I have a history with this particular Senator.

Oh. Well, that's, uh, really a stupid-ass reason, Sam.

I like to win.

So, this guy ate your Fruit Loops...

What do you care?

I don't.

What's your motivation?

I'm a particle physicist.

Not suddenly.

Why now?

The budget resolution

has to be passed by April 15.

That means the authorizing bill to Senate Appropriations

has to go up mid-March.

Now, you can shoehorn a road or a bridge

at the last minute, but not $12 billion

for a supercollider.

Also... I have Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma.

I think there's something to be said

for giving McGann credibility

by inviting him to the White House.

It strengthens his hand in dealing

with the more violent members of his own party.

Degrees of violent.

We also think

if we legitimize him, the Protestants will wake up

and accept they've got to negotiate with somebody.

Toby, you were the author, were you not

of the President's speech at the General Assembly?

There were many authors.

Of which you were one.

Two days ago, the IRA formally

backed out of its promise

to put its weapons beyond use

as agreed to in the Good Friday Peace Accord.

True/false: until it disarms

the IRA and its political representatives in Sinn Fein

are a terrorist group?

True.

When did it become

policy of the United States to negotiate

with terrorists?

We've had Arafat here, John.

And my heaven, isn't that paying bloody dividends?

It wasn't worth trying?

You're making the mistake of youth.

The President's not a kid.

Your country is.

You're involving yourself in a centuries-old conflict

without sufficient regard for history.

Listen to the warning of old friends.

It was Kipling who warned to expect

"the blame of those ye better, and the hate of those ye guard."

And wasn't it James Joyce who said

"History is a nightmare from which I'm trying to awake"?

Yes, but it was your own great Irish master, Eugene O'Neill

who said, "There is no present or future

only the past happening over and over again-- now."

You're saying we should butt out of Ireland

until we know what we're doing?

I'm saying Brendan McGann

cannot come to the White House.

Say, speaking of dead Irish writers...

Yes, another drink.

ABBEY: Here we go.

Awasiwi Odinak.

Far from the things of man.

The first time Jed took me to his house

which is 25 miles from anything, he said

"Awasiwi Odinak.

Far from the things of man."

What a jackass.

I'm going to open the wine.

The wine is a '95 Old Vine Zinfandel from Hog Cellars

which once belonged to King Baudouin of Belgium

and is best sipped while making

anagrams out of the phrase

"My husband's an enormous jackass."

Amy, what are you looking for?

Anything I can take notes with.

This is an excellent corkscrew.

This slides

right in there like power steering.

The right...

tool for the job.

Corkscrew sucks.

Should I call a steward?

We don't need to call a steward.

I'm board certified

in thoracic surgery.

And a good thing, too.

Did Josh have a nutty on the campaign hiring?

You know, he's... adjusting.

Well, let him

adjust faster. Jackass.

DONNA: Excuse me.

Oh, Donna.

I'm sorry, ma'am.

Josh was looking for Amy.

Well, she's right here.

Where have you been all night?

Well, it's a little tough to explain, ma'am.

Tougher to explain than secretly

prescribing Betaseron?

It turns out I'm not an American citizen

so Secret Service wanted me to talk to INS.

What?

I was born in Warroad, Minnesota

only I wasn't, 'cause INS just clarified the border

and it's now in Manitoba.

You're not an American?

Missed it by four miles.

You seem pretty calm about it.

No, I'm very upset.

I don't know the words to my national anthem.

I've been throwing out Canadian pennies my whole life.

I've been making fun of the Queen.

We don't do that.

I'm sure it'll all work out.

Thank you, ma'am.

Where are you going?

They've let me into the party now.

Why don't you stay and have some wine with us?

Really? Yeah.

That's very nice of you.

I probably shouldn't drink, though.

I wouldn't worry about it.

Canadian, huh?

Yeah.

You feel funnier?

No, but I am developing

a massive inferiority complex.

Ah!

Did it come out?

Next best thing-- it's in the bottle.

We'll decant it.

Ah, now it's a party.

( laughing )

This is a good bottle of wine.

( laughs )

Ah, it's almost made me forget

how much cork I swallowed

from the first bottle of wine.

I don't understand.

It was good corkscrew-- graphite.

C.J.?

Stop talking about the corkscrew?

ABBEY: Yeah. Mrs. Bartlet?

I wanted to ask you a question, but I'm not sure how.

What? Well, if the most they can

give you is a year's suspension, is it...

That big a deal?

Yes. Yes.

I'm a doctor.

It's not like changing your major.

You of all people should...

I mean, women talk about

their husbands overshadowing their careers-- mine got eaten.

Your husband got eaten?

My career.

Yeah, well, I'm on dangling modifier patrol.

What's your problem?

Are you First Lady right now?

What are you talking about?

Sometimes you like to talk

and I think that's great

but sometimes you're Abbey

and sometimes you're my boss

and I respect both very much, but...

I'm Abbey.

Yes, I agree with her.

Look, they take this job

away from me, I've got nothing.

I don't have a cat.

I could get one, but I don't have one.

Frankly, I'm not wild about cats.

I don't hate them, I'm just not...

I could learn to like them, I guess, if I...

C.J.?

You've got a husband

and children and a home and a life.

And we're talking about one year of your not having

a medical license.

Jed got censured, and that came with no tangible penalty

and it was a banner headline and he's having

a slow nervous breakdown.

That's different.

Why? 'Cause it is

and you know it.

Okay, I'm First Lady again. Okay.

You are First Lady, Abbey.

Yes. And it's not like

it's been a detour from health care.

No.

What, you've expanded Medicare to cover

mammograms, cancer clinical trials...

That's money that could have gone into Viagra.

You were the one who said "no dice" to cutting

infant nutrition programs, nursing home standards

There's plenty of stuff left.

Child immunizations

juvenile diabetes... That's not the point.

What's the point?

I'm a doctor... Oh, Mrs. Bartlet

for crying out loud you were also a doctor

when your husband said, "Give me the drugs

and don't tell anybody" and you said, "Okay."

Oh, my God.

You switched back

to First Lady.

That's all right.

I'm so sorry, Mrs. Bartlet... It's okay.

He took the censure standing up, Abbey.

I was very proud to have voted for him that day.

Me, too.

Let's get back to the party.

PRESIDENT: Okay, here we go.

CHARLIE: Time is tight.

That's when the juices get flowing.

I'm not sure we have time for juices, sir.

I could tell the story of the ditch digger.

Sure. You know the story?

I do not.

Abbey and I are walking along

and we see a ditch digger.

And I said, "Aren't you glad you married me?

You could have married a ditch digger."

And she said, "Jed, if I'd married him, he'd be President.

What do you think?

Not so sure, sir. Why?

'Cause it seems like a story

about how cool you are.

It is.

Do you love her?

Very deeply.

That'll work fine.

No, it won't.

In my house, anyone who uses one word

when they could've used ten just isn't trying hard.

Let's keep at it.

( piano plays )

MARBURY: The darkness

in our sunshine, the shadow on our souls

the biblical sins of the father.

For Americans it's slavery... slavery is your original sin.

That and your unfortunate history with your aborigines.

Native Americans.

For the English, it's Ireland.

Well, they've given us a couple of U.S. Presidents

a lot of Boston Democrats

and half the New York City Police Force.

Not to mention the song

"Yankee Doodle Dandy."

Yeah.

Centuries of... home rule

foiled by English Conservatives

or Ulster Orangemen

immortal martyrs

secret tribunals leading to public hangings

followed by war...

followed by, followed by, followed by.

So, wouldn't you say we were doing you a favor?

By intervening?

That's the act of a friend.

What is left to do but talk?

What could be better for that wounded place

than sitting down and talking?

What is better than sitting down

and talking?

Not to. We can't choose who.

Oh, of course you can't.

Then, what can we do but talk to him?

Nothing.

You must talk to him.

What?

Toby, despite appearances, I do have lucid moments

and I know that England is...

running out of turns on this particular...

But, uh, as Ambassador for Her Majesty's Government

I must tell you that...

Brendan McGann cannot come to the White House.

Yes.

Understood, Mr. Ambassador.

Excellent.

F.D.R. smoked.

Yeah.

In the White House

Campobello, everywhere.

Yeah.

He got re-elected

six or seven times.

Listen, is there no doctor you can see...

Next time

the Bartlets invite me over to a party

remind me to bring five legislative assistants

and a loaded gun.

You got my note.

"All infrastructure projects earmarked for Illinois

are about to be anonymously blocked."

Let's play our game.

Don't make me mad.

Don't make me laugh.

Listen... I couldn't figure out

what this on the record/ off the record crap was

until Dr. Millgate...

This is Dr. Millgate, by the way.

Churchill smoked.

Until Dr. Millgate told me the thing

was going to be built in Illinois.

So, of course you have to be for it

on the record, but, off the record

it crowds out all the pork you've got your eye on

like the Senator Enlow Off-ramp, Rest Stop, Hotel and Casino.

Don't send me notes anymore.

Sam, screw the Fruit Loops.

Senator!

I apologize.

I apologize for my tactics and my behavior.

Okay.

Okay.

Please don't let that jeopardize, you know...

The subcommittee should have hearings on this.

There should be learned testimony.

I'm a Democrat, Sam.

How's a $20 billion astronomy lecture

going to help the President get elected?

It won't.

"We've discovered a seamless

intellectual framework for the universe"

isn't a good 30-second spot.

If we could only say what benefit this thing has

but no one's been able to do that.

That's because great achievement has no road map.

The X ray's pretty good.

So is penicillin.

Neither were discovered with a practical

objective in mind.

I mean, when the electron was discovered in 1897

it was useless.

And now, we have an entire world run by electronics.

Haydn and Mozart never studied the classics.

They couldn't-- they invented them.

Discovery.

What?

That's the thing that you were...

Discovery is what.

That's what this is used for.

It's for discovery.

Yeah, but you understand that even

if this thing passed the Senate, it's dead in the House.

Just as long as democracy's not dead in the Senate.

I'll withdraw my anonymous hold.

'Cause you're scared of my threat?

Yes.

Good.

You think I was a hurdle

good luck with the Appropriations Committee.

Thank you.

See, that wasn't so hard.

I've got to get back to the party.

I've got to get on a train.

Oh, we can get you a room for the night.

No.

God, Dalton, isn't there anything?

Sloan-Kettering or...

All right.

Thanks, Sam.

Now you think I'd make a good physicist?

No.

But you're not bad for Government help.

( Big Band music plays )

Mrs. Bartlet?

Yes?

Excuse me, but I'm so sorry

about the way I spoke before.

Oh, don't be, you were good.

I've got a surprise for you coming up.

Really?

Excuse me. Yes?

Donna... Actually...

first of all, Amy. Yes?

I understand, and I forgive you.

You forgive me? I do.

What the hell kind of thing

is that to... Honey.

Thank you for forgiving

me, Josh, I appreciate that.

No problem. ( under breath ): Jackass.

( Abbey laughs )

Donna, you're an American again.

INS has a grandfather clause.

If you pass a three-part

literacy test, an American History exam

and fill out a one-page form

you're back.

My adopted country.

Oh, Josh, I kind of wish

you'd mentioned this before.

Why? ( drumroll )

( "O Canada" playing )

Wow.

You were very good in there, Donna.

What the hell is going on?

Shh.

I was gone for 45 minutes.

They were all Americans

when I left.

I know exactly how you feel, Mr. President.

I called Nolan.

I know I shouldn't have

but I'm sorry, the rules are different

when it comes to my family, and there isn't a man in America

who doesn't understand that.

I also think partiality isn't a vice

in this case-- he knows you and that's a good thing.

He's going to consider not recusing himself.

I'm going to voluntarily forfeit my license

for the duration of our stay in the White House.

( guests singing ): * O, Canada! Our home and native land! *

* True patriot love in all thy sons command *

* With glowing hearts we see thee rise... *

Okay.

I'm going to do a toast and everything in a minute

and I'll tell the ditch story

but I wanted to say that I love you very much.

I love you, too, Jethro.

Don't call me that.

I think I will.

MARBURY: Abigail!

( laughing )

Lord John.

Abigail, may I grasp your breasts?

I'm standing right here!

You may kiss my cheek.

MARBURY: Excellent. Abbey?

Oh, Gerald.

I haven't had a chance to say happy birthday.

Happy birthday, Abbey.

( all ): Happy birthday, Abbey.

* O, Canada

* We stand on guard for thee... *