Original subtitles

Previously on The West Wing:

I'm seeing Amy again tonight.

Second date?

First date, really.

Last night was more of a, you know...

Scheme.

You know Amy's seeing somebody?

I do know that.

Congressman. Josh.

Great night for us.

We'll see.

I'm just saying... That he's using me.

I was saying that.

How'd it go? Not at all well.

You know whose fault that is?

John Tandy's. No.

Hers. Yours.

He's about to be censured, and then he's going

to deliver the State of the Union

and then he's going to run for reelection.

My guess is that there are some things on his mind.

( intercom buzzes )

( blankets rustling )

( groans )

( buzzing insistently )

( groans )

( pushes intercom )

NEWSCASTER 1: The Supreme Court has issued its annual report.

Details in this report...

NEWSCASTER 2: Voters in Iowa will pass the first ballots

as the presidential primary season officially gets underway.

President Bartlet, unchallenged in the Democratic caucus

will be flying to Cedar Rapids today.

While on the Republican side, Governor Ritchie looks to be

the front-runner in the primaries.

The official campaign season begins today in Iowa...

Why would I put it back?

...There will only be one candidate in the kickoff...

( lid clatters )

...President Jed Bartlet.

President Bartlet is the first elected democratic incumbent

since Franklin Roosevelt

to go unchallenged by his own party.

With no opposition, he could easily bypass the Iowa caucus...

( knocking on door )

..."The President feels that in the spirit of true democracy

"he must present himself... ( knocking continues )

to the American people as the candidate."

Having an unchallenged Republican...

Hello.

Hello.

You let anybody up without asking who it is?

I thought you were breakfast.

You know what?

What?

John's never asked to see the WLC's high donor database.

What?

He's never asked to see the high donor database.

Or any other mailing list.

So how do you like them apples?

I just went to sleep about two hours ago.

You think he's using me.

Is the sun even up?

I just thought you should know.

No, not so much.

Those pajamas are too big for you.

What makes you say that?

Well, you've got the bottoms all...

I know they're too big for me.

What are you doing here?

Demonstrating, once and for all

that John's not using me to get the women's vote.

You're flaky, you know that?

You're quite the flake.

Not once has he asked to see the database...

I was done with this fight a month ago.

...never asked us to sponsor a fund-raiser for him.

It's early.

It's January.

You think it's too early to start raising money?

No, I'm saying it's 5:00 in the morning.

I offered him a slot to speak on Safe Haven laws; he declined.

He hardly ever takes photo-ops with me.

He always takes photo-ops with you.

Yes, yes, he does, but he never runs them

in his Congressional Newsletter.

How do you like them apples?

We're going to stop with the apples soon, right?

Admit that you're wrong

and that his relationship with me

has nothing to do with politics.

I admit it.

Do you mean it?

No, of course, I'm right

and his relationship with you

has everything to do with politics.

He's a power dater; that's what power daters do.

You know how I know?

'Cause you're a power dater?

That's right.

Well, you know how I know that you're wrong?

'Cause you looked in his eyes, saw his soul

and confronted him in a moment of human honesty?

That's right.

Then he was sure to tell you the truth.

Well, he didn't have to.

Why?

'Cause he asked me to marry him.

...was greeted by more than 40 protesters

who had cut through fences...

How do you like them appl...

No.

...Navy, which owns...

He asked you to marry him?

Yes.

And you want me to talk you out of it?

You don't have to talk me out of it, I said no. Good.

And then I told him I thought we should

stop seeing each other for a while.

Really? Yes.

Okay.

Now you're nervous.

No, I'm not.

Josh, you and I have spent

four nights with each other.

I didn't break up with him for you.

I'm not pathetic-stalking-woman

who, you know.... does things.

We spent six nights with each other.

What are you counting?

I'm counting them all.

It was four.

He just upped and proposed?

Yes, Hamlet, it's called being decisive.

No, Ophelia, it's called a political asset.

What does it matter now?

It doesn't.

And that's all you're going to say?

I'll say more when you call me in 30 seconds

from your cell phone.

...and a consultant has recommended background checks

on employees...

You know, for the most insecure guy I've ever met

you're pretty sure of yourself.

You'll call me from your cell phone

that's where the real conversation always takes place.

You can't afford pajamas that fit?

It's laundry day.

I'll see ya.

( door opening and closing )

...with aides in Governor Ritchie's campaign

hopeful that a large turnout will help...

( phone ringing )

Time number one was on the steps

in front of my apartment when you kissed me.

It was snowing.

Time number two was when you came over

after the State of the Union.

Time number three was at your house

when you put on your bootleg tape of the Stones

at Wembley Stadium and put on your feather boa

and sang "Honkey Tonk Woman."

Time number four involved a variety of hosiery...

Josh, I'm going to stop you right here, okay?

Leo?

Yeah.

Anybody else in the office?

Hey, Josh.

Hey, Margaret.

LEO: We've got a problem in Vieques

and a caucus in Iowa.

Why don't you come on in to work, hmm?

Yeah.

as the presidential primary season officially gets underway.

President Bartlet, unchallenged in the Democratic caucus

will being arriving to Cedar Rapids today.

While on the Republican side, Governor Ritchie looks to be

the front-runner in the primary.

C.J.: I'm on the plane.

No, I'm on the plane.

I'll be coming back tonight; it's just for the day.

No, it's just for the day, Dad.

We're coming back tonight.

I won't be tired.

I'll sleep if I'm tired, but I won't be tired.

Because we're coming back at 8:00

and I don't get tired at 8:00.

Plus I won't be the one flying the plane.

Oh, my God.

Dad, because this is how it is.

If it's in the 48 states, we come back the same day.

The taxpayers paid for a very comfortable and fast airplane

and this is what they had in mind when they did.

Am I going to...?

No.

Because I don't live in Iowa; I'm not allowed to vote there.

Ah, see, there's always a catch.

Well, he's unchallenged in the Iowa caucus

so I like our chances.

No, Dad, I'm on the plane.

All right, I'll try and call you later

if there's anything interesting to report.

Talk to you later.

( bell chimes )

MAN: Mr. President, ladies and gentlemen

good morning from the flight deck.

This is Lieutenant Colonel Gantry.

We're passing through some turbulence

on our way to a cruising altitude of 41,000 feet.

Our flight plan this morning's

going to take us over Wheeling and Toledo

the south shore of Lake Michigan

then over Aurora, Illinois

before we make our final approach

into the Eastern Iowa Airport in Cedar Rapids.

Our flight time today is 1:52.

C.J.: Excuse me.

Is it possible that we're riding

into town in a soy-diesel bus?

There was talk of it

but that idea got killed off pretty quick.

Yeah, okay.

I'm going to go back there.

Have you guys zeroed in on a message for the day?

How to reform the Freedom to Farm Act.

Ritchie's pulled into single digits in the overnights.

I saw.

What a gift from heaven it would be if he won.

Hmm? Yeah.

So the Four-H Convention?

We're not going.

I don't get it, how can you not want to see the butter cow?

I'm that way.

You understand it's a life-sized cow

made entirely of butter.

We're not going.

There's also a butter Elvis and a butter Last Supper

which has, I swear to God, Toby...

Butter on the table?

It's got butter on the table

right there between butter James and butter Peter.

An almost mind-blowing vortex of art and material

that dares the viewer to recall Marcel Duchamp.

How do they keep it from melting?

How indeed.

Toby, you have a phone call in the staff cabin.

Thank you.

C.J.: Butter, butter, butter, butter, butter, butter.

MAN: Mr. Ziegler, this is Signal Operator 41.

I have a call from Mr. Seaborn at the White House.

Thank you.

Duchamp was the father of Dadaism.

I know.

The dada of Dada.

It's like there's nothing you can do about that joke.

It's coming, and you just have to stand there.

The cow, made out of butter?

That's how I like my irony served, my friend.

I have a phone call waiting that's being relayed

through four satellites.

Okay.

Okay.

Yeah.

Hey. I'm going to guess where you are right now, okay?

Okay.

Wheels-up was 5:35, heading

west northwest.

You're not at your cruising altitude yet

so I'm going to say an average of 400 knots

with a light head wind.

I'm going to go ahead and guess

Cumberland, West Virginia. Am I right?

I have no idea.

Well, then, we'll say I'm right.

Listen, do you remember Bob Engler?

No.

I met with him a few years ago from U.S. Space Command.

He told you they were tracking a UFO in the skies over Maui?

Yes. Do you have any idea

why I have another appointment with him today?

I don't. Okay.

Listen, Ritchie made a statement last night in support

of the Pennsylvania Referendum banning any use

of race in college admissions.

I think the President should say

something at the U.I. campus.

About affirmative action?

Yeah.

He shouldn't.

Why?

Because Ritchie's not going to be

the Republican nominee for President.

Write up a few sentences, would you?

Send it up to the plane right away?

Yeah.

Okay.

Hi. Good morning.

I'm a little tired today.

Really? Yeah.

From the lovemaking?

I'm supposed to see Leo.

Yeah, listen, I need a favor.

I need you to get me out of jury duty.

Why?

Because I have jury duty.

When?

Tomorrow.

Well, why don't you wait till we're a little closer

and ask me again.

Can you do it?

No. Why not?

What kind of legal authority

do you think I'm empowered with?

But you're a powerful man.

You get... Yes, thank you.

You get deferrals, don't you?

Only four.

And?

I've used them all up.

Then it looks like justice is finally in your hands.

I don't want it in my hands right now.

I'm kind of seeing somebody.

Yes, well, there's nothing I can do for you.

I'm surprised to hear that

'cause you're such a powerful man.

All the girls say so.

Have you been zapped of your power

by the lovemaking?

She's... I don't...

He's waiting for you.

Hey.

What's going on in Vieques? Protesters?

Yeah, listen, something like five ships

out of the USS Thurman Battle Carrier steamed in yesterday.

What they need is final combat certifications

before then can be deployed to the Indian Ocean

where they're needed right now.

Yeah.

You understand they need to do ship-to-shore gunnery

and air-to-ground bombing exercises

before they're certified

and they can't go until they're certified.

Okay. All right.

So some forty protesters have planted themselves

in the live-target range.

I don't... I'm sorry, why am I...?

This is national security.

One of the protesters, in fact, the leader apparently

is a friend of yours.

Billy? Yeah.

Arrest him, it's what he's waiting for you to do.

This is a well-known actor.

This well-loved young man in the Hispanic community.

He's with other well-loved men in the Hispanic community.

Wait 'em out.

They've got supplies, and we don't have the time.

He's got a cell phone; we've got the number.

No.

Yeah.

Leo, if I wasn't working here

I'd probably be with him down there.

Yeah, but you're working here.

This is a crappy thing to do with friendship.

These things aren't supposed to be personal.

We're at DefCon 4, I'm sorry, we're arranging the call.

You can check a whip count

but I don't think we get 60 votes on a cloture motion.

WOMAN: We think we lose eight democrats

who don't want to spend capital on the foreign aid budget.

I think we lose eight democrats

once they find there is a foreign aid budget.

Anything else?

Thank you, Mr. President.

What's up?

Uh, well, Ritchie made a statement last night

in support of the referendum in Pennsylvania.

Sam's going to work on a few lines in response.

Look, he's going to make statements during the primary

that force me to move to my left

it's not like I've got to swing at every pitch, right?

You know, everybody still thinks it's going to be Simon.

You and I know different.

The overnights have Ritchie inside single digits.

Every candidate's dream opponent, huh?

Yeah.

I'll take a look at what Sam does.

We should respond.

I'll take a look at it.

Thank you, Mr. President.

( door opens and closes )

NEWSCASTER: ...the race officially began today

as the Iowa caucus got underway...

( knocking )

Come in.

SAM: What's going on?

I'm waiting for a phone call.

Billy Molina and some people ran the Coast Guard line.

They're camped out in the live target range.

There's a carrier that has to fire in the live target range

or they can't be certified.

If they're not certified, they can't be deployed

and they have to be deployed.

So they're hooking you up with Billy?

Yeah.

It's a strange day

when I'm involved with national security.

I was just thinking the same thing.

You know what else?

What?

Tandy asked Amy to marry him.

Seriously?

Yeah.

She said no.

Yeah.

That happened fast, don't you think?

No, no.

Don't do this.

What?

I-I recognize this.

As what?

She didn't break up with him for you.

I guarantee it.

She is a fully independent woman.

She's the real thing.

Stop looking at her different

than you did yesterday.

I just said it was a little fast.

you find a reason to be mad at her.

You're wrong.

Guys like you?

Yeah?

I'm one of them.

DONNA: Josh?

Yeah.

He's on.

Billy, it's Josh.

Okay, just tell me a couple things first.

Is everybody okay?

Is anybody hurt?

TOBY ( reading ): "The American dream is opportunity

"and together we must give every child

"the chance to reach for his or her dream.

"This is why we must ensure the opportunity is real

"that the dream is neither deferred nor denied

"that hope is not a privilege

for the few..."

This is Sam's?

No. I reworked it.

"...but a promise for all generations... to follow."

Sir, I've read it twice

and I don't even know where you stand on affirmative action.

Yeah, I was trying to avoid a quote.

As well as nouns and pronouns.

It's purposefully nonspecific.

I don't even know what we're talking about.

We get the word out to our friends

that I was obviously nodding in the direction

of affirmative action.

How about if we oppose affirmative action

then get the word out to our friends

you were just kidding?

Nobody's questioning where we stand. Sir...

I don't want to campaign today.

What happened to writing a new book?

We will, but we don't...

Man, we don't have to piss people off every day

in order to demonstrate that we're not...

Yes.

Look, we're going to Iowa where we already won.

I'm not ignoring the state, and I say thank you

for getting me elected in the first place

and we're back on the plane.

And I'll tell you what else.

I don't think it's a good idea

for us to be fighting for news coverage

with three governors, two senators

and the head of the Church of I Hate You.

Let's just get in under the radar.

Yes, sir.

I'll say a few words.

Yes, sir.

That's it.

Thank you, Mr. President.

( door opens )

What did he say?

They say something in the primary

that forces us to the left

so that we have to...

Is that how it works?

Yes.

Tell me more, Obi-Wan.

I'm saying...

He's going to a college campus.

It's a pretty good time to talk about affirmative action

when it comes to admissions.

Yeah.

What?

Your father didn't need affirmative action

and neither did mine

and they were both children of immigrants.

Your father needed the GI bill, and so did mine.

I'm the wrong Democrat to talk to about this.

Why?

Because...

After my father fought in Korea

he became what this government begs every college graduate

to become.

He became a teacher

and he raised a family on a teacher's salary

and he paid his taxes, and always crossed at the green.

And anytime there was an opportunity

for career advancement, it took him an extra five years

because invariably there was a less-qualified black woman

in the picture.

So, instead of retiring as superintendent

of the Ohio Valley Union Free School District

he retired head of the Math Department

at William Henry Harrison Junior High.

How is he these days?

Who?

Your dad.

He's fine.

We got cut off. LEO: We know.

The cell phone went dead, and they have to recharge it.

They're going to need to use a solar recharger

and that's going to take a few hours.

Why a few hours?

For the weather to clear.

Look, when you get back on the phone with him

we'd like you to stand a little tougher.

Excuse me?

I said, we'd like you to stand...

Then you get on the phone with him.

Look, we... This isn't a hostage situation.

It's a legitimate protest.

One where... You're free...

Excuse, me, sir, you're free

to arrest them or shoot them

but we won't because it's bad politics.

Let's just remember what the thing is here.

This is not the time for people to be protesting.

Puerto Rico lived under Spain

for four centuries; under the U.S. for one.

In 500 years

it hasn't determined its own destiny

for five minutes.

They're using

depleted uranium shells... A lecture about...

...napalm, cluster bombs.

Vieques has a cancer rate

25% higher than the rest of Puerto Rico.

When is the time to be protesting?

Tell me. I'll tell them.

They'll do it.

We'll need you in a few hours.

Thank you.

100 antichoice votes.

I'm not fine with it.

A Congress that votes to ban late-term abortions

even when a woman's life is in danger.

"Affordable day care" is a contradiction in terms.

Gag rules and old men who think women's issues

should be the subject of PTA meetings

and not the U.S. House of Representatives.

I'm not fine with it.

The WLC's not fine with it.

Women aren't fine with it.

( applause )

It's really something.

Every two years we get

to overthrow the government.

( applause )

And guess what's coming up in November?

In ten months, we can make the difference.

Let's get out the vote.

Let's get ourselves organized.

Let's get the Congress we deserve.

Thank you very much, and may God bless America.

( thunderous applause )

( cheering )

Hi.

Hi.

Did you hear the whole thing?

I heard you overthrow the government.

That's always money in the bank.

Tell me about it.

Hey, guys

could I have the room for a minute?

Is there someone

who can take care of Henry?

What do you have against Henry?

Nothing.

I... love Henry.

Is there someone who takes care of him when you go away?

I leave him with my sister.

What do you think about going away for a few days?

Where?

Tahiti or Paris.

Venice.

We can go to Epcot if you want.

Tahiti?

Lie on the beach, dance at night

reggae, a little UB-40.

Reggae's the Caribbean.

They don't have reggae in Tahiti?

I think we should find out.

I'm sorry?

I said, I think we should find out.

We should.

When?

Day after tomorrow.

Okay. Okay.

Okay.

I'm buying plane tickets

right now.

I'm making reservations.

Go. I'm going.

You're not going fast enough.

I'm saying when I walk out that door, I'm buying plane tickets.

I'm saying when I walk out that door

I'm buying new bikinis.

I'm going fast now.

WOMAN ( on TV ): Mr. President, can you speak

on the environmental impact on the water, sir?

PRESIDENT: Well, farming isn't the only cause

or even the main cause

but it's a significant land use in watersheds

and runoff from dairy operations

from hog and poultry operations.

They can be carried into drinking water

by rainfall and snowmelt.

It's what's called "nonpoint source pollution."

Yeah, over here.

Mr. President, Donald Atwell

Iowa City Standard.

Governor Ritchie came out this morning

in support of the Pennsylvania referendum

banning affirmative action with regard

to college admissions

and I was wondering if you'd comment.

Well, you know what

now that we've abolished discrimination in our laws

we need to abolish it in our hearts and minds.

But specifically, with regards to...

Thanks a lot, everybody.

It's great to be back in Iowa.

Sam?

Sam, ol' man.

Yes.

I need you to give me some voir dire coaching.

You want to be chosen for a jury?

I want to not be chosen for a jury.

All right, well, the lawyers are going

to ask you some general questions and...

For instance?

Do you know any reason why you can't render an impartial verdict?

I hate criminals.

Do you have any prejudices or feelings

that might influence the jury in rendering a verdict?

I hate criminals, and I assume

if you're in this courtroom

you did something wrong, so...

Yeah, the judge is going to throw you in jail.

Sam?

Here I go.

Bob?

Sam.

How've you been?

I've been well.

Hey, you know what?

You remember that UFO you were tracking over Maui?

Turned out to be an abandoned Russian satellite.

One of its rockets didn't fire, so it couldn't reenter.

So you would have us believe.

No, really.

Yes, of course.

Why don't we get to it, Bob?

Absolutely, Sam.

On behalf of two different Congressmen

I would like permission to tour the US Bullion Depository.

Where's that?

Fort Knox, Kentucky.

Talk to the Treasury Department.

We have, and not at all surprisingly, they've said no.

Why do you want to tour Fort Knox?

It's been brought to our attention

that of the 8,500 metric tons of gold that are stored there

only 1,000 remain.

Really?

Yes, sir.

Who brought it to your attention?

Let's just say a friend of ours.

A human friend?

Sam, I know what you think of me and the work I do.

I've lived with this attitude my whole life.

My father lived with it, too.

I'm seeking a presidential order

for the depository to be audited.

Well, I'll pass that along. I'm sure you will.

Bob... Has the President ever toured the vault?

No.

No, only two Presidents have:

Roosevelt and Truman.

You think there's something funny going on?

I and two Congressmen think the gold has been replaced.

With what?

I won't get sucked into this.

Sam... I won't get sucked into this.

The Papoose Lake Spacecraft...

There's no such thing.

...taken from Roswell to Groom Lake in 1947.

A little piece of land called Area 51, my friend.

This is like Dungeons and Dragons Camp all over again.

We tested U-2 planes at Area 51.

Which is why in '57

they had to take Papoose to Fort Knox.

I've got news for you.

Ten years ago, the Secretary of the Air Force

concluded an exhaustive search for records.

Oh, I read it and my father read it

and the report concluded

that the activities in the desert

were balloon research.

It was balloon research.

A crew was retrieved!

They were anthropomorphic dummies.

Sam, patronize me, laugh at my work

but please don't minimize

the lifetime my father spent in this pursuit.

The man had three PhDs.

There were bodies at Roswell Army Air Field Hospital.

( knocking )

Excuse me.

When did your dad pass away?

Pardon?

When did he pass away?

Three months ago.

Excuse me.

Listen...

I'm sorry, but I'm in there with this guy...

You wouldn't believe it.

He insists the government is concealing evidence

of extraterrestrial contact

and that we've got it at Fort Knox.

We were able to make a deal with Billy.

They'll pull off the island right away.

In exchange, we meet with a delegation--

political affairs, Navy...

It's not going to look like we caved?

We'll get slapped by the right

but they won't want to piss off the Latinos.

Good.

You know what else?

I'm going to Tahiti with Amy.

You're kidding. Day after tomorrow.

So this, this guy...

Yeah, the thing is...

he kind of inherited the family business.

I-I-I got to go online and buy Tahitian things.

Okay.

Bob?

Yes?

I was just talking to...

Let's just say I talked to an associate.

This associate has higher clearance than I do.

And?

You can keep pursuing this, and I imagine you will

but we can't give you the proper paperwork

you'll need to audit the vault.

You understand?

Oh, I think I understand.

Do you?

Wink's as good as a nod to a blind man?

Yeah.

Listen, these two Congressmen, they're Democrats?

I'm not at liberty to say.

I understand.

Thank you very much.

Thank you, Sam.

PILOT: Well, Mr. President, ladies and gentlemen

from the flight deck

this is Lieutenant Colonel Gantry.

We'll reach our cruising altitude of 37,000 feet

in approximately 20 minutes

as we pass over Elgin, Illinois, Detroit, Akron

and McKees Rocks, Pennsylvania

before we begin our final descent into Andrews.

Enjoy the flight.

It's happening again.

Toby... It is.

He was good. No, he wasn't.

He was what he was supposed to be.

He was Uncle Fluffy.

It's Dr. Jekyll and Uncle Fluffy all over again.

He said he wasn't going to respond to Ritchie

and I totally agree that it's too early.

He was asked the question, he was asked the question.

( rumbling )

No word on the Republicans?

There's a poll that has Ritchie pulling even.

Oh, that'd be too much to hope for.

There's an old expression:

"Quando dio

vuole castigarci ci manda quello che desideriamo."

"When the gods wish to punish us

they answer our prayers."

Anyway, he's doing it again.

( rumbling )

JOSH: You wanted me?

Yeah, it's all set up.

The meeting? Yeah.

This is great. Good is going to come from this.

LEO: Maybe.

Maybe, yeah, but how often do you get to...?

Yeah.

When's the meeting?

Day after tomorrow.

You're kidding.

No.

Perfect.

We wanted to do it right away.

Yeah. What's the problem?

Nothing.

What's the problem?

There's a woman I've been...

Amy Gardner.

Yeah.

I hear things. I know.

I try to forget them quickly, but...

We were supposed to--

this is ridiculous-- but we were supposed to go away.

Where? It doesn't matter. We just...

we've been having trouble getting together on... Day after tomorrow?

Go.

I can't.

Go.

I need to be here for this.

No, you don't.

Don't worry about it.

My wife lives in my house

I live in a hotel

and this is why.

Yeah, okay.

Well, I-I'm glad it's taken care of.

I'm glad we got the meeting.

Okay.

Listen.

Yeah.

The trick, obviously, is appearing unsuitable

not just for this, but for any jury

while avoiding a contempt citation.

So you wouldn't think if I just explained to them

that my boss is a lawyer, my lawyer's a lawyer

and I'm dating a lawyer, that that ought to...

It's jury duty, it's not an appendectomy. It's jury duty.

Do it, don't do it, but if you don't do it

you don't get to complain about the O.J. verdict.

( door closes )

( dialing )

( ringing )

AMY: Hello?

Amy.

Josh?

Yeah.

Ia yo-rah-nah. My-tie oh-ay.

I've just said, "Hello, how are you?" in Tahitian.

Now you say

"My-tie vah-oo," which means "I am fine."

I can't go day after tomorrow.

Yeah.

I mean, I can go

another time, but I can't go the day after tomorrow.

Well, it was pretty sudden for you.

It was pretty sudden for anybody, Amy.

You're the one who asked me.

There was a problem in Vieques today

and we came to a good resolution

and it involves a meeting day after tomorrow.

And Leo's making you stay for the meeting?

Yeah.

No... he's not.

I want to stay.

Okay.

For one thing, it involves a friend of mine

and he did something he didn't want to do, and...

Look, I just want to make sure his back is covered.

Look, don't get angry at me.

I'm not.

You're getting preemptively angry with me

which assumes I'm other people

and frankly, I'd rather be a political asset

if you know what I mean.

I do, and when you're done comparison shopping

give me a call.

Well, I'd definitely

be waiting by your phone, Josh.

Take it easy.

( beep )

DONNA: Josh?

Yeah.

I don't know if you care

but you officially won the Iowa Democratic Caucus.

if you the occasional Caucasian loses a promotion...

I think we're going to have to agree to disagree.

I don't like doing that. Ginger, you got it?

Right here.

You phoned ahead for research?

Sure. This is Washington

on the need for a national university.

I'm pretty tired. It's brief.

Toby, please.

"In the general juvenile period of life

"when friendships are formed and habits established

"that will stick by one, the youth from different parts

"of the United States would be assembled together

"and would, by degree, discover that there was not just cause

"for those jealousies and prejudices

which one part of the union imbided against one another."

He said, "We banished discrimination from our laws

"now let's banish discrimination

from our minds and hearts."

Who? The President.

In Iowa. He said, "Let's banish discrimination

from our minds and hearts."

How is affirmative action doing that?

I'm talking about college admissions.

I'm talking about my father.

Why?

'Cause he's not doing fine.

He forgets things.

He forgets things.

He's not a young guy anymore.

I'm not talking about dates and phone numbers.

I know.

He forgets what's going on.

He thought this was the general election today.

And then he snaps back in, but...

And I...

I think sometimes that if he'd...

lived...

( voice breaking ): the life he wanted to...

And he's got to watch me bopping around on Air Force One.

SAM: Hey!

Welcome back.

Sam, have you ever seen the butter cow

at the Four-H convention?

I have.

And the butter Last Supper

with the butter?

Yes.

You know what the Bob Engler meeting

turned out to be?

This is the UFO guy?

Yeah. He thinks the government's keeping alien bodies

at the Bullion Depository in Fort Knox.

What are we keeping

in the Bullion Depository at Fort Knox?

Soup?

Seriously, there used to be

8,500 metric tons of gold there.

Now most of it's been moved out.

Yeah.

What's there now?

I wouldn't ask a lot of questions, Sam.

( chuckling ): What do you mean?

Don't worry about it.

Okay, I'm going back to my office.

Call him.

( knocking )

JOSH: Coming.

Donna told me to come over.

What's going on?

Thanks for coming.

Something's wrong with the lights.

Let me feel around for a switch here.

( music plays ): * Red, red wine

* Goes to my head

* Makes me forget that I...

You did this?

A little piece of Tahiti right here in Georgetown.

Would you like a Samoan Fog Cutter

or a Navy Grog?

A Samoan Fog Cutter has three kinds of rum

including Bacardi 451, and...

* All I can do, I've done...

The difference between that and a Navy Grog is--

Did you ask me over to exchange recipes?

Should I change?

Into what?

I remember a pair of big pajamas.

Yeah, good thinking.

You can turn on the news, you know.

I don't want to turn on the news.

Just to see how they're covering Iowa.

NEWSCASTER: ...by 12 points...

* Red, red wine

* Stay close to me

* Don't let me be alone...

NEWSCASTER: President Bartlet lost... by 12 points...

Sir?

PRESIDENT: Yeah.

Can you see Toby?

No.

Yes, sir.

Charlie?

Send him in.

Good evening, sir.

I thought you'd gone home.

I was just watching some of the coverage.

It's going to be Ritchie.

Yeah.

I mean, it's going to be Ritchie.

I know.

It would've been, I don't know

it would have seemed obnoxious.

It would've seemed like grandstanding.

You want some bourbon?

Thanks.

What do you think?

I was a telemarketer for about a week.

I can't remember what we were selling

but you worked off a script.

"Hi, good evening, my name is..."

And "Toby Ziegler" was okay for New York

but once I got into the other time zones

I needed a name that wasn't going to bother anybody.

Toby, if you have something to say

please say it.

Ritchie's good for all time zones.

My family signed the Declaration of Independence.

You think I've got an ethnicity problem?

Well, the line isn't between

light skin and dark skin.

Yeah?

It's between educated and... masculine.

Or Eastern Academic Elite and Plain Spoken.

It's always been like that.

Yeah, but a funny thing happened

when the White House got demystified.

The impression was left that anybody could do it.

You're not telling me anything I don't know.

It's one thing that Ritchie came out

for the Pennsylvania referendum today.

But the manner in which he articulated it

his presence, the clear sign

he wasn't personally engaged with the facts...

Toby... His staff was cringing

I promise you, and we let it go.

It wasn't the moment to go...

You were asked the question.

Do you have anything else?

( sighs )

Sir, I don't think I need to tell you

that the level of respect

with which the staff speaks of you doesn't change

depending on whether or not you're in the room.

But?

Well, there's always been a concern

about the two Bartlets.

The absent-minded professor

with the "Aw, Dad" sense of humor.

Disarming, unthreatening

good for all time zones.

And the Nobel Laureate

still searching for salvation.

Lonely, frustrated. Lethal.

You going to sing a country-western song?

The one whose father never liked him

'cause he was too smart.

This stopped being fun for me a little while ago.

Sir?

It was actually never fun for me.

I was just being polite.

( glass slams )

Your father used to hit you, didn't he, Mr. President?

Excuse me?

Your father used to hit you, sir?

Yeah.

Not like a spanking?

He hit me. Why? He punched you.

I'm done being polite now. He did it because you

made him mad, but you didn't know why.

Toby, it was a complicated relationship.

Can I help you?

It was because you were smarter than he was.

It was a complicated relationship.

He didn't like you, sir; that's why he hit you.

That's why people hit each other.

He didn't like you.

You were smarter than he was.

Why are we talking about this?

So, maybe if you get enough votes

win one more election

you know, maybe your father'll...

You have stepped way over the line

and any other President would have your ass

on the sidewalk right now. Yes, sir.

They'd have had you on the sidewalk a long time ago.

I don't know what the hell goes on

in a Brooklyn shrink's office

but get it the hell out of my house.

( clock ticking )

Thank you, Mr. President.

...unchallenged by his own party.

With no opposition, he could easily bypass the Iowa caucus.

But according to a White House spokesman...

( clock ticking )