Original subtitles

Previously on The West Wing:

I didn't make the decision to run again.

I wouldn't do that without you.

Sometimes I wonder if I listened to you two years ago

would I be President right now?

Do you ever wonder that?

No, sir, I know it for sure.

Do you get that you have MS?

Abbey...

Do you get that your own immune system is shredding your brain?

I've had one episode in two years.

Mr. President, is there anything we need to talk about?

Not yet, okay?

Okay.

SENATOR STACKHOUSE: One teaspoon of salt, one cup of cornflakes crumbs

a pinch of white pepper.

C.J.: Dear Dad, first of all, happy birthday.

Second of all, let me explain

why I'm not on my way there right now.

You're not going to believe this

but it's because of a filibuster

a filibuster that no one ever saw coming--

not the Senate leadership, not the party leadership

and not me

and if you're angry at me

well, you've got a lot of company.

I'm going to explain all this.

Right now, it's Friday night

and everyone's trying to get out the door

only I won't let them.

...from the pan and drain on absorbent paper.

24 shrimp will yield

approximately four to six servings.

This isn't happening.

STACKHOUSE: For an accompaniment, I suggest tartar sauce or chili sauce.

C.J.?

Yeah?

What the hell is he doing?

It's a recipe for deep- fried fan-tailed shrimp.

Yeah, but what's he still doing up there?

He's got a recipe book.

How long will it go? I don't know.

I'm saying, how many recipes are there?

All together? Yeah.

I can't cook, but I think

there're probably like, 20 or 30.

You're screwing around with me. Oh, yeah.

I'm about to miss the 7:30 shuttle.

If I miss the 8:30

I miss the last train to Sag Harbor.

You can spend the night in New York.

I've only got two nights, and you got to see this house.

It's cool? It's a Frank Lloyd Wright.

Isn't it cold in Sag Harbor right now?

We wear sweaters.

It's a Tommy Hilfiger ad.

He can't last forever.

He's got 20 or 30 recipes he could still read.

Sam, seriously, there're more recipes than that.

Who cares?

He's blowing my weekend in the Hamptons.

Maybe he doesn't know about the sweaters.

C.J.: The reason they needed to stick around

is that the moment the filibuster's over

there'll be a vote, and once they vote, I need my spin boys.

JOSH: C.J.! I know.

Who gave him the recipe book?

I really don't think

we can blame this on the recipe book.

Plus, I now know the secret to Cold Asparagus Chantilly

is a quarter cup of whipped cream.

I'm going to Port Saint Lucie

which may not mean anything to you

but it happens to be the spring training home of...

Of the New York Jets. Yes, you've told me.

Josh, you can watch basketball on TV.

Yes, except the New York Knicks

are a basketball team.

The New York Jets are a football team.

Port Saint Lucie is the spring training home of the New York...

Mets! Yes, damn it.

I'm inadequate.

A weekend at spring training, C.J.

Mike Piazza's going to be

standing in the batting cage.

He's going to turn and see me.

He's going to say, "Dude."

Well, I wouldn't want you to miss

a legitimate dude sighting.

So I can take off?

No.

C.J.: Why do I need the spin?

'Cause it's a bipartisan bill and I'm all for bipartisanship

as long as we get the credit.

So I've taken the press corps hostage.

( reporters clamoring )

Hey, guys, I'm sorry, but you know what?

( filibuster continues ) Listen, seriously

you're looking at democracy at work.

It's a beautiful thing.

REPORTER: How much more

beauty can we be expecting tonight, C.J.?

Well, I wouldn't think it would be that much longer.

He's got a recipe book.

But how many can there be? 20, 30?

C.J., it's Friday night. I'm supposed to have dinner with my girlfriend.

She's going to kill me.

Yeah, but you know what, Mark?

This is just the kind of thing

that can cleanse the palate

of a relationship that's gone stale

like a fine sorbet.

We've been going out for three weeks.

And she's already bitching about dinner?

C.J.... Lose her.

REPORTERS: C.J.... Listen up, everybody.

This was unforeseen.

Obviously, he's got to finish sometime.

When he does, there'll be a vote immediately.

When it's done, the President will make his calls

White House staff will be available for comment

and most important

you will all write about it.

In the meantime, I say pizza for everybody.

Who's with me?

Excellent.

REPORTERS: C.J....

We're going to need, like

a massive truckload of pizza

and, I don't know, maybe some Cuervo 1800

if we got it lying around.

How much? Just enough for me.

TOBY: C.J.? So you know

I need to be at Telluride first thing in the morning.

That's a rough assignment you pulled there.

No, I'm saying I already missed the 6:50 to Denver

but I can catch an 8:40 from National

if I change planes in Chicago.

And as your travel agent, it's important

that you update me on that information.

C.J.... I'm supposed to be on my way to Napa right now

for my dad's 70th birthday.

You hear me complaining?

You just did.

Get out.

( filibuster continues on TV)

It's your dad's 70th birthday?

Yeah.

You doing anything?

Yeah, we're all getting together in Napa.

I meant right now.

No, I'm sitting and waiting.

I'm ordering pizza.

I'm catching up on e-mails.

All right.

Got a basketball game on in my office if you want to come by.

The Jets and the Mets?

The Nets and the Hawks. Jets and the Mets?

I know the teams. I'm joking when I do this.

I'm joking when I do this.

Okay.

( filibuster continues )

You know, there's a 9:00 to SFO.

You can drive to Napa.

Yeah.

All right.

I'm in my office.

It'll end.

You have any idea how many

recipes there are?

I really don't.

STACKHOUSE: ...a pack of frozen chicken livers

one quarter of a pound of dry mustard...

C.J.: So the press is in the briefing room

the staff's in the west wing and I'm right here.

I'm betting when you hear this

you're going to be glad I stayed.

I'm betting you're going to end up

rooting for a Minnesota Senator

named Howard Stackhouse.

I got to tell you--

this doesn't seem like any old filibuster.

The rules of a filibuster are simple enough.

You keep the floor as long as you hold the floor.

What does that mean?

It means you can't stop talking ever.

You can't eat and you can't drink

which is fine, because you can't leave the Chamber

to use the bathroom, either.

But all that's nothing compared to this:

You're not allowed to sit down.

You're not allowed to lean on anything

or, for that matter, anyone.

It started with a bill

you'll read about tomorrow morning

called the Family Wellness Act.

Josh had been leading staffers

from the Legislative Liaison Office

in negotiations with the Conference Chairman for weeks

and this last Monday morning

he walked into Leo's office and said...

We got the Family Wellness Act.

It's done? Yes, sir.

What'd we get? What'd we lose?

Well, we got most of what we wanted in Title VII.

That's infant hearing loss?

We got a hearing test for every child born in the U.S.

What about...?

We did not get

mandatory hearing tests

for children not born in hospitals.

We can live with that.

The Special Needs Adoption Awareness Program?

Right, this is a national campaign

to provide information to the public

regarding the adoption of special needs children.

How did we get it? By agreeing to a provision

that would require health care staff to give pregnant women

information about adoption

on an equal basis with all other courses of action.

National Organization

for Women's going to hate that.

I know.

Women seeking abortions

should not be required by law

to be lectured at. You'll help me, right?

Yes, I will.

I will once again

betray the sisterhood.

I saw you, you, you and y roll your eyes.

You weren't even looking at me.

I felt you.

We're done. Josh Lyman, everybody.

( cheering )

SAM: Nice job.

I know. I'm thinking seriously about turning pro.

Yeah?

Yeah, I got agents talking to me

telling me I could go high in the second round

maybe low in the first if I have a good postseason.

You don't want to stay in school and get your education?

Nah, I'm white. Nobody's going to mind.

Josh, this looks good.

I mean, he stuck sunsets on a bunch

of small ticket items, but...

That's the way it's going to happen.

You just spent $6 billion on health care.

How do you feel?

I'd feel better if it meant just once I could go to a doctor

without filing out something on a clipboard.

All right. What else?

TOBY: Philip Sluman

who's the Chairman

of the Petroleum Producers of America

testified yesterday to the FTC

that "the Bartlet Administration's"-- blah-blah--

"relentless pursuit of stricter emissions standards

"in the form of additives like MTBE

is a big reason we've seen price hikes in some parts of the country."

The Energy Secretary's got to respond.

The Energy Secretary's going to respond

and I'd like to mention that to the Vice President.

You want me to do it? I've got it.

He's going to be pretty unhappy. Yeah.

Anything else?

No.

No.

No, sir.

Thank you.

C.J.: So, there it was, The Family Wellness Act

an omnibus health bill aimed at diseases

that disproportionately affect children.

This was a good day 'cause something got done.

The problem is we only thought it was done.

Dad, this'd be a good time to mention that it's possible

that an Egyptian cat goddess named Bast

has put an ancient curse on me.

C.J.

Charlie.

Listen... May I call you Chip?

No. Chipper?

No. Gilligan?

Listen. Yes?

Hassan Ali is coming here at the end of the week.

He's got 38 wives. Yeah.

Imagine being the girl he dated who he didn't marry.

C.J.? Hassan Ali is coming?

Yeah, and on the President's trip to Cairo

Ali gave him a gift-- a ceramic statue. Okay.

The State Department told the Office of Protocol

it's important that the gift be displayed when Ali visits.

Display it.

The Office of Protocol wasn't able to find it.

They should talk to the gift officer.

They did. And?

They say you have it.

I'm sorry?

Sherry Halpern, the gift officer on the trip

says she handed it to you in Cairo.

Did you say a small ceramic statue?

Yeah, of a cat.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

C.J.? Yes?

You know anything about it?

I'll have to think, Charlie. It was a year ago

and it's not like I have instant recall

of every ceramic cat statue I've ever been handed in Cairo.

Should I tell Protocol...?

Tell Protocol I'm searching my recollection.

Protocol's recollection seemed pretty good.

Leave me now. Sure.

Toby.

I'm going to see Hoynes. Talk to me later.

Okay. Carol? What do you need?

Some information, possibly a disguise and a fast getaway car.

Come inside.

HOYNES: Tell me something

how did they not anticipate the flooding?

WOMAN: There was an unexpectedly high snowmelt.

The snow fell three months ago.

Did they not think it was going to melt this year?

WOMAN: Thank you, everybody.

Thank you so much.

It was a pleasure. Thank you.

Beautiful quilts. Thank you.

The temperatures were unseasonably warm last month.

We don't know why.

Well, it could have had something to do with the sun, though, right?

MAN: Yes, sir. Sir?

We're done. Yeah.

Can you see Toby Ziegler?

Yeah.

25 million acre-feet of water, Candy.

That's eight trillion gallons.

Yes, sir. Hey, Toby.

Good morning, Mr. Vice President.

The California Aqueduct is twice the length of Pennsylvania.

Did you know that? I knew it was pretty big.

What do you need?

Philip Sluman

testifying yesterday in front of the FTC

charged that it was the White House's pursuit

of tighter emissions standards that's caused the rise in...

Phil Sluman had a good point.

Mr. Vice President, I don't want to go 'round and 'round

with you on Sluman. Okay.

He had no point.

HOYNES: The policy forces them to use expensive additives

whose benefits are questionable.

It's price gouging.

It costs marginally more

to refine the fuel with the additives

and the cost is being passed on to the consumer

at an outrageous markup.

Toby, if a refinery shuts down, if there's a fire

which isn't, like, out of the question

when you're dealing with petroleum

production comes to a halt, gas becomes scarce

the prices go up, then they come back down.

Well, it's good to know that the companies can make it through the lean times.

Yeah.

Anyway, sir, tomorrow night

Bill Trotter's going to be delivering a speech

to the Detroit Economic Council

on "Energy Efficiency in the 21st Century"

and we're going to rewrite the draft to include

a fairly strong rebuttal to Philip Sluman's remarks.

( clears throat )

You shouldn't have Bill Trotter do it.

Why?

His rants against the oil companies have become familiar.

The press has stopped writing about him.

Still...

It's also pretty dicey

political terrain for the Energy Secretary.

Who would you send?

To punch back? Yeah.

Me.

Really?

I'm having a press conference tomorrow afternoon

to announce an advisory group for the antitrust policy.

I'll take questions at the end.

I'll open it up for anything

and they will ask me about Sluman and oil.

Mr. Vice President...

Toby, if you think I'll be too soft on him

stand in the back of the room.

If you don't like what I say, call Bill Trotter and say

"You're on for tomorrow night."

Would you mind if I prepared some notes for you?

Oh, not at all.

Would you mind if I shoved them up your ass?

No, sir, I...

Well, thank you, sir.

We appreciate it.

I heard you got the Family Wellness Act.

They're going to schedule the vote for Friday at noon.

You'll have the bill by 12:05.

( filibuster continues on TV)

Thank you, Mr. Vice President.

C.J.: "I'll get back to the cat story in a second

'cause I have to interrupt to say this:

If you ever have a free two hours and are so inclined

try standing up without leaning on anything

and talking the whole time.

You won't make it. I wouldn't make it.

Stackhouse wasn't supposed to last 15 minutes.

He's 78 years old. He has a head cold.

This bill is going to pass.

He has no hope, to say nothing of I can't imagine

what the hell it is he's fighting for.

Stackhouse wasn't supposed to last 15 minutes..."

STACKHOUSE: ...and that is how you prepare

Virginia Green Apple Pie.

Let's turn now to David Copperfield.

"Well, somebody forgot to tell Stackhouse, Dad

'cause he just went into hour number eight."

STACKHOUSE: ...from 1812 to 1870 began this... this great work...

STACKHOUSE ( on TV ): "...or whether that station will be held by anybody else

"these pages must show.

"To begin my life with the beginning of my life

"I record I was born, as I have been informed and believe

"on a Friday at 12:00 at night.

"It was remarked that the clock began to strike

and I began to cry, simultaneously..."

Hey.

Hey.

What are you doing?

Well, it's a little complicated and indeed difficult to explain

in layman's terms.

You can put the black seven on the red eight.

Thanks.

Hey, Sam, who's your favorite writer?

Toby.

Who's your favorite fiction writer?

You're listening to him right now.

You like Dickens?

Oh... yeah.

You know, I never got a chance to say...

I mean, I feel bad about your dad and everything.

Yeah.

We're doing better.

You know, the ice is starting to thaw.

I'm in the middle of an e-mail to my father.

Do you talk to him a lot?

Not enough.

You're going to miss the last plane.

I'll take Amtrak to Penn Station and rent a car.

Okay. Well, I just came down to get this coffee.

Go back to your e-mail.

Hey, did I hear you got spanked

by some 14-year-old kid interning at the GAO?

I did not get spanked, and she was 19 years old

and I demonstrated once again

that I am open to all forms of debate.

With an intern?

If need be.

Okay.

She was very crafty.

Who?

The intern from the GAO.

Yeah.

Go back to your e-mail.

I am. Okay.

I'm taking my coffee with me.

I'll see you upstairs.

STACKHOUSE: "...and then she made a..."

( coughing )

"Then she made a frown and a gesture to my mother

"like one who was accustomed to be obeyed

to come open the door..."

SAM: Dear Jackass...

"'Mrs. David Copperfield, I think,' said Miss Betsy

"the emphasis referring, perhaps

"to my mother's mourning weeds

"and her condition, not having been lighted, indeed

since my father's funeral."

SAM: Dear Dad, C.J. Cregg's writing an e-mail to her father

to kill time during a filibuster

and it reminded me that I haven't told you

any tales from the White House in the last few weeks.

Let's start again, okay?

Here's one about how I got yelled at

by a 19-year-old intern

from the General Accounting Office.

Josh was having his twice weekly meeting

with Assistant Deputies.

He was basically staffing out

in-box material for the next few days.

I was looking for a good piece of fruit.

Write this down.

I-I need you to find out if sufficient funds

have been appropriated to the FAA

to begin work on data-link communications.

They're going to ask me what "sufficient funds" mean.

That's when you get me on the phone. Sam?

What are you doing?

I'm looking for a piece of fruit.

Can we show you something from the back or...?

I'm fine.

Okay, here's one.

Uh, the White House has been instructed by Congress

to compile a list of 400 government reports

that should be eliminated as they serve little purpose

and cost the taxpayers hundreds of millions of dollars.

We'll assume, though the modifier was dangling

they mean the reports serve little purpose

and not Congress itself.

Who wants to lead it?

I will.

Right. You're not in this meeting.

You're shopping for fruit.

I'm done with the fruit.

I was listening to you.

You want to do this?

Absolutely. Why?

'Cause it's insane.

We got over 3,000 reports from federal agencies last year.

Agriculture spent $40 million

producing 280 reports.

Four years of college, three years of law school--

I spent 30 bucks at Kinko's.

Give me the thing.

All right, we're done.

Let me tell you people something.

The GAO needs a little housekeeping

and that's my nickname, okay?

I'm the Housekeeper.

Hey.

God, that's a terrible nickname.

I'd start getting used to it for a while.

Let me talk to you a second.

I'm not going with that nickname anymore.

What's going on?

I was just with Hoynes.

About Sluman's testimony?

Yeah. What'd he say?

He defended it.

Isn't that what you expected? Yeah.

Did you tell him Bill Trotter was going...? Yeah.

What'd he say?

He said he wanted to do it himself.

Really? Yeah.

I don't understand.

He said he's doing a press conference tomorrow...

Antitrust.

Yeah, and he'll take questions at the end

and they'll ask about the Sluman testimony

and he'll step up.

Well, somebody's got to be there.

Oh... I'm going to be there.

If he ducks, Trotter goes on in Detroit

but still, is it clear to you what he's doing?

No.

Me, neither.

SAM: Okay, so, I got a team together and went about the task

of recommending 400 government reports for elimination.

Report on the use of Pell Grants for the incarcerated.

What's that?

Education scholarships for prisoners.

Wasn't that program terminated? Yeah.

But we write the reports anyway?

Yeah. Lose it.

Report on the study of Route 66.

Which tells us...?

Condition and traffic flow

of America's oldest transcontinental highway.

Anything in there I don't get from the song? Nope.

Lose it. ( exasperated sigh )

Excuse me?

I didn't say anything.

You made a little sound there.

Sorry. I'll be out of your way

in just a moment. Okay.

There are tiny clams or mussels

taking over the Great lakes.

Lose it.

( exasperated sigh )

Can I help you?

No, you seem to be screwing the world up

all by yourself.

Who are you?

I'm an intern at the GAO.

It's almost noon. They're going to be starting the vote.

Let's go watch. Yeah.

Can you stay a second?

You're an intern?

Yes.

What are you, 14 years old?

I'm 19 years old.

And what's your problem with my cutting reports?

Nothing, other than it being utterly bogus.

What's your name?

Winnifred Hooper.

Should I call you Winnie?

Not unless you want me to spit at you.

And I don't. Okay.

Winnifred, the accounting office tells me

I can save the taxpayers $3 million

by cutting 400 reports.

Now every American family can realize their dream

of a college education for their children

with the penny and a half you just saved them.

Okay, you know what? You blow through these things

like they don't mean anything.

They don't mean anything.

You're an idiot! Hey, hey.

You're talking to senior staff.

Gee, genuflect when you say that, fella.

"Report on the Obstacles

"to State and Local Training Needs

in the Solid Waste Management and Resource Recovery."

You know what this is? Yes.

It's about career opportunities for garbagemen.

And what's wrong with that?

I think it's a tough sell

and I don't need a report to tell me that.

Do you have any idea how much MSW this country generates in a single year?

That's...?

Municipal solid waste.

I knew that.

209 million tons of MSW, or 4.3 pounds

per person per day, and the kicker is

we only have hard data available

from five years ago.

So the numbers would be even higher today.

You bet your boots they would.

Trash collectors play

an incredibly important role in our society.

They start work at 4:00 a.m.

A three-person crew could service 1,200 homes

in six hours collecting 50,000 pounds of garbage.

How do you know all that?

I've read the report.

You've read the report?

Yes. Why?

I'm allowed. Anybody's allowed.

No, I-I mean, why?

Well, they're all sitting in the office I work in.

So it just happens

you read the report I pulled off the top?

I've read them all.

You've read them all?

I-I like to read.

They let me come early and stay after.

( sighs )

Mr. Seaborn

the bottom line is

because of the low rate of unemployment

people can be a lot more choosy

and the municipal sanitation departments

are having trouble hiring qualified trash collectors

which I think you'll agree we need.

Yes.

Well, okay.

I have to go back to my room.

Winnie?

Yeah, I said it.

Listen, you're talented.

When you get out of school, you should come see me

for a job.

I... I-I suppose you're not a complete loser...

and you write very well.

So, when I get out of school

you should come see me for a job.

( typing on keyboard )

C.J.: Back to the cat story, Dad.

I've done my research

and sure enough, I was quite screwed.

I was in trouble and I needed to tell someone-- a cohort--

someone whose criminal mind was equal to my own.

Donna, I need to talk to you right now.

I have to get these to people.

So, we went to Cairo last year.

Not me.

Right. I had strep.

I didn't, which is sad for me.

Are you in trouble?

I may be in a spot of trouble, yes.

What happened?

Hassan Ali gave the President a gift--

a small ceramic statue of Bast.

Bast?

Bast-- a cat goddess.

She was... Donna, did Josh leave?

He went to lunch.

She was the patron saint of Bubastis

and rose to prominence

during the period of the 22nd Dynasty.

How do you know all this?

I looked it up.

The cats in the temple...

What temple?

The Temple of Bubastis, maybe, I don't know.

The cats in the temple wore jeweled collars.

They were treated royally.

They thought cats controlled the movement of the moon.

They had total authority over royal houses

because of their ability to see in the dark.

Anyone who killed a cat was put to death.

I'm sorry, C.J., I'm not...

I broke the damn statue.

Not badly...

but, you know, in several pieces

and since it came out of his own collection

breaking the figurine

would amount to a personal affront

implying he had bad taste and that the object

was of little personal value to the President.

Donna, they're asking for you back at your desk.

How did you break it?

The gift officer handed it to me. I tossed it in my suitcase.

You tossed it in...? Do you have any idea how many pieces of crap

get stuck in the President's hands

every time he leaves the building?

Didn't the gift officer know it was a priceless relic?

Well, apparently not because she handed it to me

with a couple of T-shirts and a box of baklava.

MAN: Donna. Yeah.

Why are you telling me this?

I thought maybe you'd have an idea.

There's nothing really I can think of right now

except to agree that you're monumentally screwed.

I hate to leave it at that.

But you're going to. Yeah.

What's going on?

It's this phone message for Josh.

Who's it from?

Howard Stackhouse.

Who has my wallet?

Thank you.

DONNA: Josh.

Did Senator Stackhouse ask you to meet with one of his aides?

Yeah. 'Cause I don't have it down.

Yeah, I'm not taking it. Why?

He wants an amendment added to the Family Wellness Act

that will allocate money for autism care and research.

And we don't want to?

This is what's called a Christmas tree bill.

Everyone hangs amendments on it.

We just closed it this morning.

We try and hang a star on top...

The tree topples over and it doesn't pass.

Stackhouse isn't someone who has a lot of muscle on this, so...

You got this phone message.

From his office? From him.

"You're going to meet with me

or there's not going to be a vote while I'm alive. Stackhouse."

Give me that.

( sighs )

( Stackhouse continues reading from David Copperfield )

C.J.: ...so maybe it's the curse of the Bast

that made us not take the Stackhouse threat seriously

but whatever the reason, it's time to take it seriously

'cause he's gassing me out of time.

Still, I've got two hours till the 11:00 print deadline

and there's no way.

There's no way he goes another two hours.

Let's move on to the rules of cards.

There's no way.

JOSH: The message was pretty cryptic

like something you'd slip to a bank teller

and it was unusual to get it

directly from a Senator who'd normally dispatch an aide.

Leo agreed, but was in no way concerned.

He told me to go ahead and take the meeting

but not to sweat it

and under no circumstances give anything away.

So I headed up to the Hill

wearing, by the way, the new shoes you bought me

which I had never worn before.

Since Dad's not here to do it

I think it's my job to bore you with history now.

The filibuster's been part of the parliamentary stratagem

in this country for over 150 years.

Now, the reason we weren't sweating Stackhouse

is that Stackhouse isn't really someone you sweat.

but he has little influence, little power and few friends.

So Dad would want me to tell you

where the word "filibuster" comes from.

It's from the Dutch "vry guiter"

which translated literally means "freebooter"

but what they meant was "buccaneer."

Afternoon, Senator.

Good afternoon.

( coughing )

Sounds like a bad cold.

It's fine.

You taking anything?

I don't want to talk about my cold.

I want $47 million to fight autism.

Sir... Five centers of excellence

at universities around the country

to help scientists coordinate their research

three special units for autism epidemiology at the CDC

and a centralized facility

for gene and brain banking.

That's $43 million.

Senator... Uh, the other $4 million

is for a federal program to educate doctors in order

to reduce the staggeringly high percentage of cases

in which autism is misdiagnosed.

We can't do it.

Of course you can.

You simply pick up the phone, you call

the Conference Chairman and...

The bill started out at $2 billion.

It's $6 billion now.

That's right.

So another $47 million hurts you how? Sir...

It's eight-tenths of one percent

of a bill aimed at health issues affecting children

which is roughly the same

as the percentage of children affected by autism.

I don't need to tell you that in these negotiations...

In these negotiations

about a bill aimed at health issues affecting children

we've allocated funds for Alzheimer's, glaucoma

and erectile dysfunction.

Sir... You know a lot of two-year-olds

afflicted with that horrific condition

do you?

There's no doubt that that's a good point

but in order for us to ensure

that more important things were in the bill...

So there was a determination made, hmm?

I'm sorry?

A determination was made

an order of priorities.

Senator, there's going to be a vote.

The bill's closed.

Open it back up again.

To do that would mean to postpone the vote

and everyone's breaking for the recess, and...

And you want the story before everyone goes home.

Yeah.

Okay.

Sir, the next time around

and there will be a next time around...

That's all.

I'm done with you now.

JOSH: And that was that.

TV news reporter: Also in the news at this hour

parliamentary procedure in all of its glory

as a Senate filibuster watches day turn to night

and possibly back into day again.

78-year-old Minnesota Senator Howard Stackhouse

stands alone tonight in the well of the Senate Chamber

as his colleagues somewhat impatiently wait for a vote

that was scheduled to take place more than nine hours ago.

Stackhouse, a five-term senator who once...

Hey, Zach? Yeah?

You guys record the news feeds coming in, right? Yeah.

Could I get a dub of the B-roll they're showing

on the Stackhouse story?

It's three or four seconds, it's a campaign stop

and his grandchildren are with him.

The voice-over is talking about his seven grandchildren.

Sure, what's the problem?

It's nothing.

I'll have it sent up in a few minutes.

Thanks. Donna.

You're booked tomorrow morning

8:55, United, direct to West Palm Beach.

Which gets in at...?

12:58.

It's still a 70- mile drive to Port Saint Lucie.

I'll miss the game.

I thought they weren't playing yet.

It's an exhibition game.

You're flying to Florida

to see the Mets play another team

in a game that doesn't count?

Actually, it's an intra-squad game.

So, you're flying to Florida

to see the Mets play each other in a game that doesn't count.

Yeah.

Okay. Uh, there's a Continental flight

out of Dulles at 7:00 a.m.

You change planes in Newark.

I got to fly to New Jersey to get to Palm Beach?

Look... Whatever.

Just make sure that tomorrow morning...

Mike Piazza calls you "dude."

Yes.

What are you doing?

I'm writing an e-mail to my mother.

Why?

To thank her

for a pair of shoes she sent me.

Your mother sent you shoes?

Donna, please, try and keep it...

That is the sweetest thing...

Donna...

Okay.

JOSH: Donna says hi, Mom.

Anyway, I didn't think much

about the meeting with Stackhouse afterward.

There are always going to be people

who don't get what they want.

I was thinking about other things.

Like Toby, I was puzzled as to why the Vice President

who made his money from the oil industry

who champions the oil industry

would volunteer to admonish the oil industry.

Uh, Steve.

Sir, I'm sure you're aware

that Philip Sluman testified before the FTC

that the Bartlet Administration's

relentless pursuit of stricter emissions standards

in the form of additives is why we're seeing price spikes.

Yeah.

Would you comment on that?

Yeah. Our relentless pursuit of cleaner air standards

has resulted in lower asthma rates

and the cleanest air in California in 50 years.

It costs marginally more

to refine fuel with additives

but the costs are being passed on to consumers

at an outrageous price.

WOMAN: Mr. Vice President...

Uh, yeah, Chris.

Are you accusing members

of the PPA of price gouging?

Well, some of these CEOs are old friends of mine

but, uh, I can tell you they do know how to turn a profit.

Now, they'll claim that prices will

go back down after production increases...

JOSH: Hoynes just kept hammering away

and I was reminded for a minute

how close he came to being elected President.

Toby said it was an impressive display from Hoynes

but couldn't get past the question

of why he volunteered to do it.

And if you're wondering

what the President does during a filibuster

I don't know, 'cause this is our first

but at the moment

he's in his private dining room having dinner.

There's a famous French chef visiting

and every time he comes, he cooks for the President.

( knocking ) Leo.

Good evening, sir.

You busy?

What do you need?

Come have dinner with me.

Why?

Pierre Boileau is cooking tonight.

You want to have dinner?

What's he serving?

That's your answer?

I'm just asking.

Well, I can tell you that the man specializes

in a reinterpretation of classic Provencal cuisine.

Cassoulet, Duck with green olives...

Yeah? Saffron chicken.

I haven't had a good saffron chicken

in quite some time.

Well, don't you think you deserve one?

Yes.

His specialty is his dessert

Tomate de Saltambique.

That's going to be a big, seedless beefsteak tomato

stewed for three hours in creme de caramel and stuffed with...

Passion fruit, kiwi and hazelnuts, and...

Served on a pomegranate reduction, yes.

Let's go.

Leave the cell phone.

I'm taking my phone.

We're not leaving the building.

People can find you.

Let's go. What's he onto now?

The rules of blackjack.

PRESIDENT: Oh, brother.

Don't worry about it.

Could Howard Stackhouse possibly be

a bigger horse's patoot?

I don't know what part of a horse that is exactly

but I've always thought he was a decent guy.

He's a curmudgeon, a grouchy old crank.

So are we. You are.

I am full of mirth.

Okay.

He was all over me the first year.

He called me "Bartlet the Inert."

That was pretty funny.

I'm a reformer. I'm the most liberal President he's ever served under.

His hero, Hubert Humphrey, once, you know...

Shook your hand. That's right.

I feel bad.

Why?

His wife died a few years ago.

I didn't go to the funeral.

Why?

I was kind of busy running for President, Leo.

That's right.

Tomate de Saltambique, my friend.

Yes, indeed.

Good evening.

Hi. Hang on.

They thought I was going

to be eating with Abbey, so...

Yeah.

We'll just, you know, pretend there's no candlelight.

Or that we're not paranoid homophobes in any way.

Yeah.

( phone ringing )

Yeah.

Leo, you have a deputy

who's, frankly, a lot smarter than you are.

Whatever it is, let him handle it.

Who are you talking to?

My deputy.

Oh. Yeah.

What does he say?

He says there's no end in sight.

Okay, let's eat.

( Stackhouse filibustering )

C.J.? Yeah.

Listen, I was looking at the B-roll they're showing

on the Stackhouse story

and there's something that struck me as odd.

What?

They show two different events

during his last campaign

and his grandchildren are next to him on stage.

He's got seven of them.

What's the problem?

There are only six in the shot.

I don't think this is what we think it is.

I don't think he's just being ornery.

I think he has a grandson who's autistic.

Oh, holy hell.

Tell Josh. Find out for sure.

Yeah.

STEWARD: More brandy, sir?

Nah, I'm fine.

I hope the First Lady's

not feeling ill this evening.

No, she's up at the Manchester house.

Very good, sir.

No, it really sucks, but thanks.

Yes, sir.

Did you hear that?

He said, "Very good, sir."

Where do they learn that?

Yeah. I'm sorry?

Nothing.

I'm sure that was moved for a reason.

We're prepping for a G-8 with Barney

and we're going to Tel Aviv.

I just feel like we don't talk anymore.

Tel Aviv's the week after.

What?

See, you're not even listening.

Ben, let me call you back.

What's your problem?

I'm just saying we work all day and then the day's over

and we go out to dinner and you're still working

and, you know, I'm sitting here.

No time to talk.

You know, conversations like this

are the reason I got divorced.

No, it's not.

( clears throat )

Sir...

what's wrong?

I made...

Uh... I'm fine, Billy.

I made a deal with Abbey...

'cause of my thing.

One term?

My thing, by the way, is the reason

that Hoynes stepped up on oil.

'Cause he thinks maybe...

Yeah.

It was three years ago.

She can't expect...

( cell phone ringing )

( sighs )

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's C.J.

Stackhouse has an autistic grandson.

( sighs ): Let's go.

C.J., we're coming up.

Charlie?

He's just coming over.

Thanks. Can we wait?

Yeah. Look, C.J., one of us

is going to have to tell the President

that the statue's broken.

It's not broken. It is broken.

She Crazy Glued it back together.

You Crazy Glued it? I didn't know what it was.

I needed a potpourri holder.

I have the ancient curse of Bast on me

so get off my back, Sparky.

Okay, but when you tell him, I'd leave out the Crazy Glue.

And potpourri, right? Yeah.

Here we go.

How does he not just tell me?

Sir... How does he not come to me and say

"Jed, this is my grandson and there are lots more like him

and there are lots more to come. Can you help us out?

Because he... Damn it, he knows we would've gotten it done.

Why doesn't he tell me...?

Because he doesn't want to make political hay

out of his grandson, which is commendable.

Nah, he's a crank.

Good evening, Mr. President.

Hey.

Hey, Donna, you need something?

Donna's the one who started sniffing around it.

C.J., that phone message was for real.

He's not going to stop till he drops.

He might.

C.J., let me tell you something.

Don't ever, ever

underestimate the will of a grandfather.

We're madmen; we don't give a damn.

We got here before you and they'll be here after.

We'll make enemies, we'll break laws, we'll break bones

but you will not mess with the grandchildren.

There was quite a bit of sugar in the creme de caramel.

Yeah.

C.J....

if I told you to screw the print deadline

what would you want to do

right now?

I'd want to see

if there was a way I could help him out.

Give him some dignity, right?

And give him a rest. The guy's

going to collapse out there.

Yes, sir.

Screw the print deadline. Leo?

Look...

We will talk about the other thing later.

I'm just asking how we're going to do this.

Excuse me.

The Chairman'll gavel him off

if he stops talking or sits.

Excuse me.

What are you doing?

I didn't know if I'm supposed to...

We usually don't raise our hands.

Though it's not the worst idea in the world.

The Senator's allowed to yield for a question

without yielding the floor.

What do you mean? He's allowed to yield

for a question without yielding the floor.

I was in the House. I know nothing about Senate rules.

Yes, sir, but Josh does, and he likes to explain things, and, well, I let him.

I'm pretty sure it's true, sir.

What time is it? Let's wake up a parliamentarian.

Yeah, but the problem is

the only people who ask questions are Senators.

We'll get one of them to walk in there. Charlie!

The Senate wants to go home. They want a vote.

Yes, sir? I want to call Senators.

We'll start with our friends.

When we're done with those two

we'll go on to the other 98.

Yes, sir. C.J.: Charlie.

Start with the grandfathers. Yes, ma'am.

There's no damn holiday for us, either.

We'll be in the dining room.

C.J., no kidding, make this happen.

Yes, sir.

( quietly ): Oh, and I broke

your statue.

I don't think he heard you.

No.

The water peaked at 3,690 feet last month

because of an uncontrolled release from Lake Powell.

You mean the uncontrolled release of Lake Powell.

I suppose.

I am going home.

Good night, sir. Good night.

Mr. Vice President.

Didn't I do it right?

No, sir, you did it very well. I appreciate it.

Yeah.

I'm sure you know I was curious

about why you'd volunteer for something like that.

Yeah.

So I got ahold of some private polling you've had done.

Oh.

Yeah?

A significant number of people

are concerned over your close ties to big oil.

Well, not anymore.

Yeah, but what I was wondering

was why did you put the poll in the field at all?

Mr. Vice President, what do you know that I don't?

Toby, the total tonnage of what I know that you don't

could stun a team of oxen in its tracks.

Good night.

( engine starts )

C.J.: And then came the big moment, Dad.

JOSH: Everyone was enlisted.

SAM: You called whoever you had a relationship with

and if you didn't get anywhere

they got a call from the President.

Do I have your word on that, Sarah?

JOSH: We'd been at it 20 minutes

and we were coming up with nothing until...

Got it!

SAM: Senator Tom Grissom of Washington State was headed

from his office to the Chamber.

C.J.: ...and everybody started flooding

into the Communications Bullpen to see what would happen.

SAM: ...the problem being

of course, that Stackhouse would have to know

as much about rules of procedure as Donna had

and not think we were trying to screw him.

JOSH: We stared at 14 different television sets

while calculating in our heads the time it would take Grissom

to walk from his office to the floor.

C.J.: And we were in frozen silence

while we listened to the rules of blackjack.

...unless you are counting cards.

C.J.: And then it happened.

GRISSOM: Point of order, Mr. Chairman.

CHAIRMAN: Mr. Grissom?

Will the Senator yield for a question?

Come on.

Mr. Stackhouse?

Come on.

Trust me just this once, you grouchy old son of a bitch.

Mr. Chairman, I yield

to the Senator from Washington

for a question.

GRISSOM: My question is in 22 parts

and might take quite a while.

Perhaps you'd like to sit and have some water while I ask it.

( cheering )

C.J.: And that was it.

Grissom gave him a rest, and an opportunity

to answer some real questions about autism

and when Grissom was done, McNamara took over

and after McNamara came Gianelli, grandfathers all.

I'm going to have to finish this up now

and go into the press room and explain what happened.

There'll be no vote tonight and the Senate will go home

for the week, and since Stackhouse...

JOSH: ...with our help, blew the print deadline anyway

there's really no reason...

SAM: ...for Josh not to go back

to the Conference Chairman and reopen the bill.

C.J.: There are so many days here

where you can't imagine that anything good will ever happen.

JOSH: You're buried under a black fog of partisanship

and self-promotion and stupidity...

SAM: ...and a brand of politics that's just plain mean.

C.J.: Yes, Hoynes had us nervous with all his admonishment of big oil

and yes, the President was making us nervous, too

but that's for tomorrow

'cause tonight I've seen a man with no legs stay standing, Dad

and a guy with no voice keep shouting

and if politics brings out the worst in people

then maybe people bring out the best

'cause I'm looking at the TV right now

and damn if 28 U.S. Senators

haven't just walked onto the floor to help.

I'll catch the first plane out in the morning

and if you wouldn't mind not turning 70 until tomorrow

that'd be great.

In the meantime, I love you so much.

Your daughter, Claudia.