Original subtitles

(Shouting)

(Music playing)

Not spicy.

(Music playing)

There, okay, yes, the pepper.

Add... spice.

Hot jambalaya!

Okay, Jay, I figured it out!

Okay, I got it.

Listen to this: you go...

Actually, I’m going out tonight.

I’m saying this plan is for tonight.

Going to a party.

Say what?

I know you have a plan, and it sounds great,

and I can’t wait to hear the plan.

I don’t have A plan, I have THE plan!

I have got the plan, I’ve figured it out!

Yeah, not tonight. I have plans tonight.

(Sighing)

Okay, what do you mean, going to a party?

- Going to a party? - I’m going to a party.

You’re invited to a party?

Can I go to the party?

What-- What are we doing?

Am I getting permission from you to go to a party?

No, no, no, no, no, here’s what it was.

I was so confused, ’cause here I am coming up with the plan,

and I’ve got it, and I’m thinking,

"Alright, yeah, my best friend’s coming downstairs.

Time to tell him the plan, we’re working to get this show."

And I figured it out after years, and...

No, wait, Matt.

I’m just... gonna do my own thing tonight.

Doing your own thing!

Yeah.

Is that okay with you?

Yes, my man!

(Laughing)

Yes, it is. (Laughing)

You know we see each other every day.

Uh, yes.

Kinda getting sick of it.

(Laughing)

It is getting to the point where you want to...

Do these guys know anybody else?

We need a break, right?

- Where are the women?! - Where are the women!

What do you think’s gonna happen: you try to cross here,

I pull a knife out of a place you can’t see?

Right?

The surprise?

What is-- hidden blade?

- I gotta go. - Yeah, exactly.

I’m-- Okay, have a good time at the party.

Alright.

Okay.

(Chuckling)

Hey, I’ll see you when you get back.

Have a good time.

I’m sorry of the stu...

(Door closing)

Just doing his own thing.

Makes sense.

♪

♪ Figaro Figaro Figaro Figaro

♪ Figaro Figaro Figaro Figaro Figaro Figaro Figaro ♪

♪ Figaro

♪ Son qua

♪ Hey Figaro

♪ Son qua, Figaro qua, Figaro la, Figaro qua ♪

♪ Figaro la, Figaro su, Figaro giu, Figaro su, Figaro giu ♪

♪ Pronto prontissimo son come il fulmine ♪

♪ Sono il factotum della citta

♪ Della citta, della citta, della citta, della citta ♪

Hey, how you doing?

Good.

Uh, yeah, I am...

(Music thumping)

This is like a musician party, right?

Yeah.

Um, well, I just knew that there was a bunch of musicians here,

and I’m a musician as well.

Um, and I was actually hoping to do

a little bit of networking.

Right.

Um, this is my friend here!

Hi, how are you doing?

You’re late! (Chuckling)

For-- For the party!

Uh...

(Music thumping)

Um...

(Music thumping)

Alright, uh...

Alright.

(Music thumping)

(Music thumping)

(Bottle rattling)

(Music thumping)

(Crashing)

How you guys doing?

(Chattering)

So many people here. (Laughing)

(Chattering)

- Hi! - Hey, how you doing?

♪ I’m the cream of the crop, I rise to the top ♪

♪ I never eat a pig ’cause a pig is a cop ♪

♪ Or better yet a Terminator, like Arnold Schwarzenegger ♪

Must be nice.

I’m Holly.

Yes.

I’m Rachel.

(Chattering)

Lydia, Lydia, come on!

We gotta call the cops!

We gotta dial 911 now!

Why?

Well, Mrs. Doubtfire, he’s a she!

He’s a sh-- He’s a she-she!

- What? - Ah!

He’s half man, half woman!

What?!

Yes, I swear!

Alright, everyone, now just calm down.

- Freeze! - Just relax, please!

- You’re gonna get it! - In the balls!

Yeah!

She’s got ’em?

She’s got everything.

I’m not who you think I am.

Yeah, no shit.

It’s amazing they don’t know.

It’s their dad, and they don’t know.

How is that possible?

It’s the most unrealistic...

How does your own wife and kids not recognize it’s you?

You got a little-- a disguise on?

And they don’t see through it...

(Orchestral swell)

Don’t follow me!

(Music thumping)

I’m Jay.

I’m in a band, um...

I’m one half of my band, but I...

I’m not with that other half tonight just because--

No, just ’cause we can do our own thing and I don’t need to--

we’re not attached at the hip or anything.

No, we didn’t break up.

I’m just doing my own thing tonight.

(Laughing)

I feel like-- I feel like you guys are just making fun of me.

(Laughing)

(Sad acoustic music)

(Sad acoustic music)

♪ Well did you know that I was one of those you left behind ♪

♪ You were up and gone without a goodbye ♪

♪ They all said that you were not the kind to stick around ♪

♪ I only wish I’d known that it was time ♪

♪ The evenings on the highway coming down to be-- ♪

Sorry about that, man!

Do I know you?

No, no, I don’t think so.

Yeah, no, you...

We never met before, man.

Oh my god.

Fuck.

- Okay... - Oh my god.

Yeah, okay, look...

You’re Steve Coogan!

You’re Steve Coogan, aren’t you?

The actor, Steve Coogan!

♪

Right? Aren’t you?

No, you got it wrong, but... but pretty close, man!

What’s your name?

♪

This is the guy! Met him tonight.

Jay McCarrol’s a musician!

Well, you got a business card or something like that?

- That’s awesome! - That’s yours, man.

(Laughing)

♪ Pack it up, pack it in, let me begin ♪

♪ I came to win, battle me that’s a sin ♪

♪ I won’t ever slack up, punk you better back up ♪

♪ Try and play the role and yo the whole crew’ll act up ♪

Playing a show at the bloody Rivoli?

Yeah.

It’s next to impossible!

Well, I mean, we tried a bunch of times.

I feel like we’re close.

So then what you need is a plan.

Come here, man.

I need a plan, I know.

And I just happen to have the exact plan for ya!

(Uplifting music)

(Laughing)

Matt!

Matt, wake up!

Wake up! (Clapping)

Matt, Matt, Matt, you’re gonna wanna hear this!

Huh? Whoa!

(Laughing)

Hi, Bird, man.

What, are you out of breath?

What are you out of breath for?

You know, I was having a nightmare where I was running

after a big piece of cheese, finally got it.

Uh, what’s up? How you doing?

I have a plan to get a show!

What a wake up! Is this a dream?!

Here, alright, so...

This plan...

Uh, first...

You know what, I’m just gonna start writing it down.

Yeah, exactly.

And that’ll help me remember the plan.

Remember the plan?

You’re saying you don’t remember the plan

that you just came up with?

- Believe me, it’s my plan. - Uh-huh.

- It came from my mind. - I know.

I think I’ll have no problem remembering it.

So tell me the plan, and then we can maybe even

go do the plan today.

Start with step one.

Uh, you...

Uh, okay, so you...

The Rivoli probably?

Yeah, go to the Rivoli.

Remember, the Rivoli has a restaurant in the front of it.

Maybe...

We sit at the restaurant to have a meal.

Wow! Oh my god, that’s genius!

We’ve never done that!

Did you know that there was a restaurant at the Rivoli?

At the front. Very popular.

- Step three. - Step three?

What was step two?

We’re at the restaurant.

Step one was go to the restaurant!

That’s right.

Well, these can be interchangeable.

You know what, that’s sort of redundant.

I-- I gotta stop this.

You’re making a fool of yourself.

The...

(Sighing) Okay, look, I...

Matt, stop.

I’m about to admit something.

Oh, not bigger than this.

I mean, who knows?

Maybe you’re saying yeah, like vagina instead of a penis,

something massive, but...

This plan?

It’s not mine.

It’s Tony’s.

Ah...

Oh. Oh! Jay!

Well, why did you try to take c-credit for it?

I guess you’re wondering who Tony is, huh?

Maybe I can help you fill in the gaps--

And I think I know who can help us figure this out.

- Me, I will-- - Tony.

Well, how are you gonna get Tony to help you figure this out?

I’m gonna call him.

But what do you mean call Tony?

He doesn’t have a...

(Slowed) So just give me your phone number.

Oh, you want a phone number?

Yeah, I’m gonna put it down in my contact list.

Oh, you’re wondering if I’ve got a phone.

You mean one of these?

(Laughing)

So now I’m just gonna click on his name and call mobile.

Argh!

Oh, gotta go to the bathroom outside!

Calling mobile.

(Phone ringing)

’Ello, Tony here!

Tony! It’s Jay!

Ah man, what a wild night!

We had-- Let me guess, you forgot the plan already?

Yeah, I do need help with the plan!

I’m gonna imagine that you’re at a board

just writing this down, alright?

Yeah, I’m right at the board right now.

You order mild pad thai, extra mild.

Anything hotter than pepper will kill ya!

Then you have Matt sneak into the kitchen...

Oh, right!

...put cayenne pepper on the pad thai...

Spice it up.

Oh, you... Oh, hold on, I’m getting an order here.

Oh shit, is this Uber Eats?

- Tony, what are you doing? - Yeah, that’s us.

- Thank you, man! - What’s going on?

Okay, so... hold on.

- Hey, Tony? - Shoot.

Yeah yeah yeah, the plan, right.

Yeah, the plan, yeah.

Uh, why don’t you-- Ah, Jesus Christ.

(Grunting)

You spice it.

Then when it comes back, eat it, and you go,

"My god, this is spicy as hell!

I said I was allergic to spice!"

Right.

Then you threaten to-- you threaten to sue...

Right, and then we sue them!

...unless they give you and Matt a show.

Nirvanna The Band.

Did you tell me that was the name of your band?

I believe you did.

Why don’t you come along?

N... No, no, no.

This is your plan!

Nobody knows the plan better than you do.

Wha-- No, you don’t need me, you got you and--

Plus, I want you to meet Matt.

He’s my best friend, and he’s the only other person

in the world that’s as cool as you.

That’s an awful nice thing to say.

It would mean a lot to me if I could...

show him how cool you were.

Okay, what the hell!

Alright, I’ll see ya there!

JAY: Tony’s coming! Matt!

Bird...

Fuck, man, fuck!

Matt?

Matt! Matt!

- Hey! - Hey!

How did your phone call with Tony go?

Great.

He’s coming!

Oh, I knew that. Yeah.

You did?

Oh, no no no!

Hey! (Laughing)

(Streetcar screeching)

You’re good. Go, go, go.

Go, you’re good.

Go!

Tony might already be in there!

Okay.

(Panting)

Jesus Christ!

(Chattering)

Wow.

(Panting)

Okay, alright, I made it.

Well, if it isn’t my good friend Tony!

How are ya, man?

(Panting) Good.

Look at us!

We’re doing it, we’re doing it!

Yes, exactly.

Have you ordered the food already?

Well, you know, we can have a couple drinks first.

No, we gotta get a order in.

No, come on, let’s get a little small talk in!

- Right. - Let’s do some small talk.

Hi, how you doing?

Uh, yes, please.

And actually I think he knows what he wants

to order right now.

Okay, I’ll have a... pad thai, and...

Oh yeah, and if you can make that mild, that would be great.

No no no, no no no, it really has to be mild, right?

I mean, isn’t that what you want?

- Right. - You’re allergic to spice.

Yes, I’m allergic to spice,

so I have to make it as mild as possible.

Thank you so much.

Mild as a child.

No, I’ll have the same thing.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

Okay, good, we did it.

You know what, Matt’s probably back there

spicing it up right now.

Say again?

Matt’s probably back there spicing it up right now.

(Playful music)

Uh, will you excuse me one minute?

Hold on, wait! Small talk!

Can you just-- I’ll be back one minute.

Gotta go to the bathroom.

- Go to the bathroom, go, go. - Thank you, alright!

♪

(Panting)

Oh god.

Oh, this is too hard.

Gotta... switch to... chef...

(Panting)

How you guys doing?

Ah, good.

I’m a chef at the Rivoli.

Just a bit late for work.

♪

Okay, phew.

♪

♪

Oh, sorry.

(Tense music)

(Playful music)

Hot jambalaya!

♪

My god!

You know what, I think it was the white wine, and I--

Matt?

Oh damn.

Uh...

Matt?

Uh, I can explain.

Okay, so...

What in God’s name are you doing

dressed as the chef sitting with me?

You’re gonna ruin Tony’s plan!

(Gasping)

Right!

(Laughing) Oh my god!

Dude, the number of times we have been like this close

to me getting... (Laughing)

If you keep staying here as a chef,

then the whole thing’s (Bleep)ed up!

Exactly, okay, I’m getting outta here.

Don’t worry, pretend you didn’t see--

I knew you were gonna screw this plan up.

I knew it!

Tony warned me about you, said you’re a (Bleep)-up.

Tony said I’m a fuck-up?

Said you’re an idiot.

He said you’re a loser holding me back from my true potential.

- Really? - Yes!

Says that you’re weak.

Can’t (Bleep).

Tony said that?

Yeah, Tony said that.

Starting to make a lot of sense, too.

Okay.

♪

♪ Come here sister

♪ Papa’s in the swing

Oh, he likes Tony?

Tony’s better than Matt, huh?

What’s that?

No, no!

♪

♪ Ain’t no drag

♪ Papa’s got a brand new bag

♪

Okay, look.

I’ve decided I don’t wanna be your friend anymore.

Time for me to keep on rolling, know what I mean?

No no no no, hold on, slow down a little bit.

Once this plan is done, you and me are finished.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

But hey, you got a lot to look forward to.

You’ve got this plan, gonna get you a show, so just take a bite

and you don’t need to worry about me anymore.

Come on!

I’m just gonna do my own thing from now on.

(Sad music)

You don’t need to worry about me, worry about Tony.

I’m gonna do my own thing!

My own thing...

(Slowed) I’m just...

gonna do my own thing tonight.

♪

Great.

♪

Jay, eat the shrimp, mum.

Go ahead.

I gotta go.

Wha-- Gotta go?

What you mean, gotta go?

I gotta go apologize to my best friend.

For what? What you mean?

Tony, you made me realize I hurt my friend’s feelings

really badly this morning, and so I gotta go find him.

No no no, Birdy, you gotta take one bite.

- Oh, just for God’s sakes! - Sorry.

You can’t cover up the thing!

No plan until I apologize.

What do I do?

Okay, I’ll eat it, I’ll eat it then.

- Fine, I’ll do it myself. - You’re eating it?

Tony, the plan doesn’t work.

You asked them for it to be spicy, remember?

(Slowed) I’ll have the same thing.

Mild?

Thank you so much.

Oh, sorry!

- Did you say mild? - Yeah.

No, I’ll have it spicy as hell.

Okay.

(Laughing)

(Choking sounds)

You-- You okay?

Are you joking?

Tony, are you joking?

Are you choking for real?

Hey, for real, are you choking?

Hey, hey, hey!

(Dramatic music)

Come on! Come on! Come on!

(Grunting) Come on!

♪

Come on!

One, two, three!

(Spitting sound)

(Crowd gasping)

It was the shrimp.

(Gasping)

Just sit there.

Oh my god!

Just sit there for a second!

(Panting)

I’m okay.

Oh my god!

(Panting) I’m okay.

That was so scary!

(Panting)

Matt?

♪

♪ The road is long

(Slowed) Tony!

Nice to meet you, man!

Thanks for the plan, Tony!

Anytime.

Alright!

Good luck!

I wish we could hang out more.

Ha!

Have a good one, bye.

♪ Who

♪ Knows where

♪ Who knows where

♪

Let’s party!

♪

(Cork popping)

(Laughing)

Now come on, we’re just hanging out with me!

You’re hanging out with me!

♪

Nice meeting you, man.

Nice meeting you too, Tony.

Remember what I told ya, alright?

I will.

Hey, Tony?

Yes, mum?

Thanks for being nice to me tonight.

You don’t worry about a thing.

♪

Good meeting you!

’Kay, Tony, bye!

I’m leaving forever!

You want Uber Eats?

JARED: What? Yeah.

Do you?

Okay, I’m gonna order for both of us.

♪

♪ He’s my brother

♪

♪ He ain’t heavy