Original subtitles

♪

ANNOUNCER: The Raccoons will be right back!

(Chuckling)

MAN: Hey, you ever thought about taking drugs?

♪

GIRL: I don’t know.

Well, I never really thought about it.

Think hard.

♪

The choice is yours.

What do you think?

Nah, this jerk’s not worth the time!

♪

(Screaming)

MATT: Birdy, what the hell was that?!

Are you having a nightmare?

Look at this!

What d’ya done to da couch?

I kicked it off, I got...

Is this what you like?

I’m trying to remember when you were sick.

(Coughing)

(Blowing)

Why don’t we take some medication?

Maybe I can-- Maybe I can go to the corner store,

get you some... some drugs, man?

♪

Aah!

Quite a reaction.

I’m not putting any drugs in my body.

I’m not turning into a junkie... on the street.

A junkie on the street?

We’re talking about Tylenol Cold & Flu.

I’m just saying no.

How else are you gonna recover?

I wanna do a nice effing plan!

Come on, let me just... I wanna have a video game day.

You’re obsessed! Video game day.

Your mom was right about you!

She warned me, "Oh, be careful. Jay’s gonna go through the games

learning his glitches and hacks!"

So what?

I’m sick.

Okay, sure.

Because you’re sick, you get what you want.

Grey controller.

The best one.

Okay, how do I hook this up again?

It’s pretty easy.

- First, power. - Plug it in.

That’s not an extension cord.

Oh why, you think there’s gonna be...

maybe some fluctuations? Ooh.

You’re messing up the electricity!

I’m not messing up anything.

’Kay, give me a second here.

’Kay, so...

So video, white is the...

How ’bout you listen to me tell you how to...

(Coughing) ...how to do it?

Video, L/Mono, R, Phone.

There’s three and three!

I know what they stand for.

R, C, A.

Coordinate the colours together.

(Zapping) Aah!

What are you doing?

- How are you getting shocked? - You know what?

With no chitchat, it’d be done in a... lickity-split.

I got it!

No...

(Coughing)

(Screaming)

- Oh, oh, Jesus! - What are you doing?

Aah!

(Blowing)

Aah!

- Are they fried? - You fried the RCAs!

I was the one who said take some medicine!

Then you could’ve given me better instructions!

They’re colour coordinated!

You were saying (Coughing)!

I’m sick!

Idiot!

Okay, I’ll go to A&C Games and get new RCA cables for you.

And get-- get me some candy or something.

Get some what?

Candy?

You’re really pushing it.

Go!

Okay.

(Panting)

(Door dinging)

Ah.

Good & Plenty candy.

Cold-FX...

Yeah, something for a cold.

For an adult, yeah.

For an adult, except he doesn’t like taking medication.

He’s very... He’s very anti-drugs.

Do you have a garbage back there?

No, ’cause I wanna dump the candy out,

and I’m gonna replace it with the... with the drugs.

Perfect.

Hi, how you doing?

Whoa, sorry man, hi.

(Panting)

Do you guys have RCA cables for a Nintendo 64?

CLERK: Absolutely.

Thank you so much.

GoldenEye Speed Run Tournament...

The prize is a show...

winner will be invited to appear on the Rivoli show.

Is that real?

Yeah, I don’t know exactly what they are doing.

We just host them, we just like have the space for it,

and then they are running it back there.

What’s a speed run? What is a speed run?

Doing something as fast as humanly possible,

sometimes using glitches and hacks

in order to get to the end.

(Zelda secret chime)

(Door slamming) Bird!

I just got the most incredible news of my life!

You got the RCA cables!

Here, get, uh...

I’ll hook it up this time!

Okay, I went into A&C Games to try to get the RCA cables.

And I’m like okay, yeah, paying, no problem.

Take out the cash, gonna pay, look down,

something catches my eye: huh?

I look at this poster: Bond, black and white.

He’s looking with the gun out like this.

My interest is not piqued.

But as I often do, I continued reading.

GoldenEye Speed Run Tournament.

Beat the whole game, the person who finishes it the fastest

gets a show at the Rivoli!

What?

And then I’m thinking, "Who do I know who’s good at GoldenEye?"

(Piano slamming) You!

It’s a 64 game. Nobody’s having a tournament--

I know it seems like one of those crazy things,

I come home yelling and you’re like,

"There’s no way I believe that!"

This time it’s true!

I did the whole thing: pinched myself,

pretend to fly, is it a dream?

I’m in a dream!

Ask Jared. Remember?

I was saying why would you be filming me in my dream?

Okay, fine, fine, fine!

Just... fine.

It doesn’t matter.

Look at me.

I’m totally sick, I’m useless.

I can’t play a tournament.

Doesn’t matter how good I am.

Sick...

(Rattling)

What’s that?

Oh, some candies that I got for you.

It’s not a trick?

No.

What flavour is it?

That’s...

Good & Plenty.

(Crunching)

Mmm!

(GoldenEye theme)

♪

♪

So we got Dossiers, Mission, Files...

Okay, fir-- start on stage one, Dam.

Oh, you’re already there. Dam.

- Got the Nintendo Power. - I’m going.

(Beeping)

Okay, so the goal is beat the entire game as fast as possible.

Yes, I understand!

Alright, and I’ll help you out.

So first of all, you wanna run down this sort of

narrow passageway, and it looks like there’s a green truck...

Oh, dude, you’re already past it.

What the hell?

Goddamn he’s fast! (Chuckling)

I’ve been training for this my entire life.

I mean, if it’s not obvious,

this is the greatest plan we’ve ever come up with.

Actually, wait a minute, we didn’t even come up with a plan.

It’s like-- It’s like the plan found us.

What’s it called, manifest destiny?

- Manifest destiny. - Manifest... It’s like...

God is smiling down upon us today.

(Gunshot)

It’s a day of miracles.

There’s no way you don’t win this tournament.

I mean, at this point, basically something would have to go

horrifically wrong.

Like we would’ve needed to have overlooked something

unbelievably major, or a...

What’s it, a wrench in the works?

(GoldenEye music)

Bird, what are you doing?

Okay, shoot-- shoot the lock, man.

Shoot the lock!

(GoldenEye music)

You know what, let’s just take a quick five minute...

Take a break?

Rest-- Rest the eyes.

We just started!

What the hell is wrong with you?

(Sighing)

Uh, how many of those candies did you have, Bird?

How many have you eaten?

These? I dunno.

Almost the whole box.

(Exhaling)

Uh, okay.

Remember this morning when you said you--

you didn’t wanna take drugs?

I’m never gonna do drugs.

Right, heh.

If I ever did drugs, I would never be able to forgive myself.

Uh...

If somebody else was involved, I’d never forgive them either.

Okay, um...

Hey, I got an idea.

How about let’s do-- I know, let’s do a quick rehearsal!

That’s a good idea.

(Clapping) Right, speed up.

Oh, I know!

Let’s get a suggestion from the audience, okay?

- Perfect. - What’s a fast song?

Fast song...

"I wanna hear the X-Men animated series theme song!"

Who said that? I know that one.

Very fast song, let’s hit it!

Dun-na-na-na na na-na, dun-na-na-na na na-na...

(Fast X-Men theme)

We got him back. (Clapping)

Okay, let’s get some GoldenEye going.

(Slow X-Men theme)

Bird, no, remember?

(Clapping)

(Fast X-Men theme)

Dun-na!

(Slow X-Men theme)

Dun-na-na-na!

The big run around, the...

(Slow X-Men theme)

Faster!

They’re-- They’re crying now.

The crowd-- The crowd’s crying!

They’re saying please!

This whole plan is gonna be over unless you can speed it up!

(Slow X-Men theme)

(Piano slamming)

It did seem too good to be true, didn’t it?

The Rivoli tournament.

We win, get the Rivoli show.

I mean, who am I kidding?

Maybe I did dream that.

He-- He-- He-- This is absurd!

I didn’t even know cold meds could do this.

Right?

It makes no sense on any level!

What he needed was-- Imagine the candy gave him...

(Chuckling) ...energy.

♪

♪ You know I smoke a lot of grass ♪

How you doing? Looking to buy some speed.

Speed? You got speed? Selling speed?

No, I’m in the middle of something.

I’m trying to find some speed from somebody.

Right.

Right, okay, the speed’s not for me though.

It’s actually for a friend.

I’m trying to speed him up for a video game tournament.

Oh, no, literally it’s not for me.

No, I’m not kidding.

I know maybe I seem like a drug addict,

but I’m actually just buying it so that I can fool my friend

into winning a GoldenEye tournament.

Yeah, you know GoldenEye 64? You ever played it?

Yeah, so they’re having one at A&C Games.

This’ll be--

We’ve had issues with that before.

It put him right to sleep.

That’s the issue we’re dealing with right now.

You too, nice to meet you. Wish us luck!

Phew.

Um, looking for some speed.

You-- You have some?

Yeah, you got--

Sure, sure.

Can we do 200?

Okay, so now what? I just give you the money?

Okay.

I’m Matt, nice to meet you.

There you go.

Yeah, I won’t.

Perfect, thanks a lot.

Okay, here we go. Bird, this way.

Ugh, I’m just feeling I’m getting sick again.

How you doing, man?

(Chattering)

Bird, this way, come on.

- We are gonna register. - Cool, go for it!

- Thank you very much. - Yeah, no problem.

(Chattering)

Hey, how you doing?

Hey, is this to sign up for the GoldenEye tournament?

WOMAN: Everybody back there ready for some GoldenEye?

(Clapping)

Alright guys, so hey, it’s RWhiteGoose here.

I’m here to pilot you all watching on the stream

through this amazing race we have here at A&C Games today.

Hey, are we late?

Hurry up, man!

Is there space for one more to join the tournament?

$15 from (Bleep) Paler.

"I lost my boyfriend to cancer.

Time to get revenge, kill the animals."

Uh, terribly sorry to hear that.

Okay, so remember what we’re doing?

GoldenEye tournament.

Hey, remember what we’re doing here?

Matt, I think I’m too tired for this.

Okay, well, that’s too bad because...

got a couple more candies.

(Pills clinking)

What flavour are they?

This is... uh...

You know what-- Juicy Fruit?

What?

Exactly.

(Pills clinking)

Yeah, we’re ready to get going here, I guess.

I’ll just be waiting over there.

Good luck. (Exhaling)

Just trying to think, what if... you think that they’d...

Ehn, we’ll see what happens.

Alright, so I’m seeing the official’s giving me the...

the okay to start the race, so all the runners are ready.

Okay, we’re gonna start with a countdown from five.

And everyone is on-- everyone’s on the start page here.

We’re gonna count from five.

Five, four... (Crunching)

...three, two, one... (Revving sound)

...go.

(GoldenEye music)

(Gunshots)

So we’re right out of the gate, and it looks like...

it looks like The Bird is in the lead.

Got off to a good start here on the Dam.

Ooh!

It looks like the others in the race are a little bit

far behind, having trouble with the gates.

But Goldenguy and The Bird seem to have a really good grasp of

how to play Dam, so...

Man, who’s saying drugs are bad?

What was they saying?!

What was that Fresh Prince episode about,

trying to say that it’s not good?

Carlton is...

Look at him! Look at him go!

Yes, Bird!

You wanna cut through the guards almost like

cutting through butter with a hot knife.

Just use your gun like a knife.

Alright, moving here through the train level.

One of the more complicated levels.

This is-- No, the Rivoli show the sh--

It’s a show for bands, for musicians.

We’re-- We’re a band.

Yeah, quite badly.

(Chuckling)

So we’re gonna watch the...

the players probably kill a lot of guards.

The Bird is the... The Bird... has he stopped playing for...

Looks like he stopped for one second or so

to let go of his strafe buttons, but it looks like

Goldenguy is now ahead by a few seconds, 3 to 5 seconds.

What?

Goldenguy is safely through saving Natalya

and out the train.

Um, this is absolutely massive.

Goldenguy is now ahead, Bird...

- Okay, dude... - We got it, man.

That guy over there is beating you, he’s like a full--

Doesn’t matter, I’m the fastest mother(Bleep)er

in the world right now.

Just watch this.

Uh, okay, we need a new plan.

It’s a day of miracles.

I woke up sick, and then I got healthy!

Yeah, I’m just trying--

Then you burned the RCA cables, then you got new RCA cables

and you found out about the tournament!

(Blowing)

Now I’m gonna win the tournament.

Then we’re gonna have a show, and then you and I are gonna

have a nice, happy life together.

Did you say we’re gonna have a happy life together?

- I’m just excited. - I’ll be right back.

I... have... an... idea.

(GoldenEye theme)

♪

You guys don’t have any scissors here, do ya?

Goldenguy is just coming to the end of Caverns here.

Just about to go through the doorway and start Cradle.

The lead does look insurmountable,

but Cradle will be the tell.

We’ll see if Goldenguy can bring this home.

(Scoffing)

♪

It’s (Bleep)ing freezing in here!

Oh yes, oh yes!

What was it?

Red wire, yellow wire...

White, white, white!

Goldenguy is still holding onto that massively.

Fuck!

Really clean headshot there.

This is over in like 15 seconds from now.

It’s red. The scissors are red. Scissors are red...

(Slowed) Hey, listen to me.

How about you listen to me tell you how...

(Coughing) ...how to do it?

Goldenguy is 10 seconds away now from ending this.

Hold up the yellow one.

That’s your video.

(Whimpering)

Five, four, three, two...

♪

Uh, it looks like I lost... we lost his feed?

We lost Goldenguy’s feed?

The Bird is defeating Trevelyan here.

The Bird... The Bird is killing Trevelyan.

I’ve heard... It sounds like Goldenguy’s console is dead?

Is he getting... The Bird is done!

The Bird is... Has The Bird won the race?

Okay, shh, shh, shh, shh!

I’m gonna go talk to the guy, get the prize.

Just be quiet for now, okay?

That was-- I’ve never seen anything-- That was incredible.

That was absolutely insane!

- Congratulations. - Thank you so much.

Hey, okay, but what do you mean?

What do you mean, on your show?

Are you a musician?

Uh, okay, I’m completely confused.

I... Your podcast?

So you’ll...

So you spell it Rival...

The number one, numeral.

And I...

It was a reading error on my part.

The one...

Yes, thank you.

Hey, Jay, um...

Jay?

Jay?

Hey, Jay, what are you doing?

Bird?

Jay?

Oh, fuck.

(Slowed) What does happen if you take too much speed?

Over-amp?

(Echoing) Explodes, explodes, explodes...

Oh no, Jay! Oh no, fuck, Jay!

Jay, Jay, Jay!

Oh no, oh no no no no no!

Yeah, hey, I have an emergency at A&C Games.

My friend is I thinking having a drug overdose...

(Aerith’s theme)

WOMAN: Great job, guys,

for that fantastic speed run of GoldenEye.

(Sombre Fresh Prince music)

(Beeping)

(Burping)

Jay, Bird!

Hey, hey, hey, you alright?

What happened?

You’re... You’re in a hospital.

- Um... - What?

What happened to me?

Yeah, that’s what’s got me confused.

I must’ve blacked out.

Well, you passed out, and then the doctors here are saying

that you... some kind of drug overdose or something.

It’s not a drug overdose.

I don’t take drugs, you know that.

That’s what they’re saying.

I said no way, my friend is not taking drugs.

Did you tell ’em that?

I was-- I went to bat for you, and then--

So the joke’s on them.

Then they did the stomach pump, and they were like--

What? Hold on, wait, what?

I had to sign a fucking thing.

Why’d you let them pump my stomach?

Well, ’cause they said otherwise you’re gonna die.

Oh (Bleep)!

And it wasn’t through--

See, I thought it was gonna be simple, like--

Ah (Bleep)!

Is there a doctor or a nurse or someone, please?!

Okay, listen, let me tell you what happened, alright?

I...

I switched the candy that you were eating for speed.

I gave you drugs.

You son of a bitch.

I’m sorry, man.

(Gasping)

I’m sorry, man!

Come here.

(Bird chirping)

Aah!

(Laughing and cheering)

♪

So there’s this one famous story, um,

the story about these-- a couple named Sam and Tolki.

A Mormon couple, 18, 19 years old.

Whoa, whoa, whoa...

The wife, Tolki, she starts drinking and partying...

(Whistling)

...and Sam, the husband, does not like this.

What, Mormon? That’s not even allowed, is it?

No.

So I believe at one point Sam went to go commentate a run,

sit on a couch for a friend.

Oh no.

And Tolki got freaky with a Banjo-Kazooie runner,

Stivitybobo, and this caused

an endless firestorm of drama in the community.

What are some of these other people doing in here?

It’s a-- It’s a music studio, man.

I think they’re working.

- Like music jobs, like-- - Yes, man.

Like jingles and commercial music and film music?

Music is a big industry.

It’s like a multi-billion dollar industry I think, probably.

Maybe trillions, I don’t know. Could be a lot of money!

(Snickering)

You know, think about it.

How much do these artists make, you know?

Billions!

(Laughing)

Do musicians work here! (Laughing)

♪