Original subtitles

I’m looking at locations! I don’t have time for that.

Okay, well I’m here for three days.

Just come.

I got-- I got-- I got too much stuff to do.

I appreciate it, but I’m just-- I got too much stuff going on.

Well, that’s what... that’s what you wanted, isn’t it?

No, that’s what you wanted.

You know me, I wanted one location,

make some burgers, have a nice day, that was it.

Yeah, one burger at a time, I get it.

Yeah, Paul wants to really take it one burger at a time, and...

This is what I’ve been telling Matt!

Well, I’m gonna tell Matt.

MATT: Bird?

Oh!

Uh, I’m not watching it!

What are you doing?

Nothing!

I thought you were doing music.

Intro.

Intro music.

Can you see-- I mean, I’m probably already ruining it.

Go!

(Piano playing)

Woo!

Oh shit! Ow, fuck!

Ow, oh my god!

Oh fuck!

Oh my god!

(Groaning)

Yes!

Alright, okay.

Oh ho ho!

- So, here’s the plan... - Well, hold on a second.

I gotta talk to you about something.

Wha...

The Rivoli’s not called us back.

Why?

Uh, because the plans haven’t worked yet.

Plans, plan-sah.

The sah?

The plans haven’t worked.

Every week we got a new plan,

and then we’re back where we started!

Yeah, but that’s because the plan doesn’t work,

then we go to new one.

One burger at a time, or plan-- plan at a time.

You’re saying an arc?

You want an arc?

I wanna stick to one plan.

All season is this, what I’m about to pitch you?

That’s pretty heavy.

We’ll see it through all the way to the end.

This year, we’re doing one plan.

(Sniffing)

Here we go.

Fake fans, real results.

Okay, what are the results?

Get the jersey on!

I’ll tell you.

So, we go to the Maple Leaf game,

and people are like okay, yes, these are the big fans...

But we’re not fans.

We don’t know anything about hockey.

That’s-- Do you understand?

Fake fans, real results.

(Hockey Night in Canada playing)

So, everybody knows

the Maple Leaf fans are the best in the city.

That’s Toronto’s hockey team.

♪

We go to the game, and people are thinking,

"Oh my god, these guys are crazy."

We’re in the stands, "Alright, yeah, let’s go!

We’re fuck-- We’re nuts!"

And then we wait till the Jumbotron’s on us,

and people are like, "Finally, we’re gonna get to see a show!

These guys have been whooping up all game!

They’re the toughest guys! They’re the meanest guys!"

Then, at the this-- the highest moment,

camera close, zooming in on us,

"Well folks, these are the biggest fans of the game.

Let’s show ’em some love!"

Then we kiss, kissing each other

right in front of everybody on the Jumbotron.

Huge shocks.

We’re kissing each other?

Hold on, wait, no, don’t write that down.

We... kiss.

Everybody watching this is going...

(Vomiting noise)

Gross!

(Vomiting noise)

- Vomit rolling down those... - They’ll be fine with it.

...just solid cement stairs.

The players on the ice: "What? No way!"

The guy-- especially the ones from Russia.

It’s the gay panic, and we confront them

with their homophobia.

You know, I’m not really--

And then we’re on the nightly news, and we say guess what?

It was really just a... what’s it called, a promotional stunt

for our band, Nirvanna the Band, to play a show at the Rivoli.

I’d rather do like anything else.

Hold on, I thought-- didn’t you just say

we’re not switching the plan no matter what?

Well...

What is it?

Uncomfortable with the plan?

Yeah, I mean like it’s totally natural

that I’m uncomfortable with it.

Mm-hmm?

Maybe you have some issues?

No, I’m-- I have no issues with it.

- Maybe? - No, I have--

Well then, what’s the issue?

You’re not one of these people in the crowd that’s

gonna be puking, are you?

- No, no! - So then what’s the issue?

I... I have no problem with it.

- In fact... - Why would you?

...I think that it’s actually quite nice watching that happen.

Me too.

I think it’s the same as when a guy and a girl kiss.

- I think it’s better. - Me too.

I think it’s better for society.

- It’s better. - Yeah.

- I agree. - Me too.

I-- I’m open for all.

Open for business.

Mm-hmm.

Alright, so then let’s go.

Come on, big talker.

Let’s see if you’re a big kisser.

We’re going.

We’re walking-- We’re going to the game.

So we can do the kiss plan.

♪

Growing up in Toronto, Matt and I were best friends.

What we’re used to is, "Ugh, there’s Matt and Jay!"

After we play the show at the Rivoli,

it’s gonna be, "Wow, there’s Nirvanna the Band!"

♪

Our mission in life is to play the Rivoli.

We just need the perfect plan.

Build the float. Cool, daddy-o!

(Gunshot)

But this week, I think we might have got it.

To be honest, I’m not really feeling today’s plan.

New season, new plan.

Nirvanna the Band’s back, baby!

I’m gonna do everything I can to get out of this plan.

So the Rivoli is a club on Queen Street,

and the reason we wanna play there is--

Stop, stop, stop!

I gotta-- I gotta-- I gotta say...

Let’s come up with a better plan.

What?

Maybe there’s a better plan that we make--

(Honking) Hey, CTV!

I’m just saying there could be a better plan...

This drummer’s going crazy.

(Drumming) (Stammering)

I love the hat, that looks great.

Thank you so much, man!

Will you listen to me?

I wanna change the plan!

Okay, well then what is it?

You have a better plan than that plan?

Yeah!

You have a better plan? Do you have the plan?

Yes, we’re gonna try, uh...

I-Improv.

Improv? Yes?

They’re having an improv show tonight,

so we’re gonna go and we’ll-- we improvise ourselves onstage,

and then we start our show, and it’s not an improv show at all.

It’s just our show!

Um...

So come on, what do you think? Good plan?

How are you gonna become an improviser

by the end of the day?

I’ll take a class!

I’ll take a class today!

Take it from a master improviser, okay?

It’s not-- You can’t take one class and then have it.

You either have it or you don’t have it.

(Sighing)

I understand.

You’re the improv guy, I’m the piano guy.

We wouldn’t wanna go take a class and then I become

the better improviser just through one class.

N-- I’m saying...

I’m-- That’s not possible, right?

What are you look-- What are you doing?

You believe that that’s possible?

It’s not!

What’s with this?!

It’s not gonna work.

What do you think?

Oh, my ego is so fragile?

Oh, you would love that.

You would love it if it was!

I mean, I’m tempted to even say, "Yeah, let’s go do the class,

and let’s do this fucking improv plan."

I-- You know what, a part of me’s saying fuck this,

scrap the... the Leafs plan

because we’re doing this improv plan.

- Get the jersey off! - Okay, alright!

- Get that jersey off! - Okay.

Alright, so we’re doing this full class, alright?

Yeah.

- We’re gonna see who-- - Hey look, Wahlburgers.

They’re on TV.

I don’t give a fuck about Wahlburgers, man!

- They have their own show. - Get the fuck in here!

Holy! Matthew!

Let’s go, improv man.

GROUP: One two three four five six seven eight...

Okay, everyone, we’re gonna play one of the oldest improv games

known to man.

This is called Freeze.

Some people call it Switch.

What’s gonna happen is two people are gonna come forward,

you’re gonna start an improv scene.

You’re gonna do a scene about anything.

Anyone in the back line here can yell, "Freeze!"

At that point, you are going to step forward,

tap someone on the shoulder.

That person is going to leave the scene,

and you are going to take their exact body position,

and you are going to start a new scene.

I need two volunteers.

(Clap)

Okay, you’re gonna take his exact body position,

and now you’re going to start a new scene

using this position as your offer by saying,

"What do I think this is that’s different from milking cows?"

And then you’re gonna say the first line

of a new scene, alright?

- Okay. - Good, here we go.

Put your dukes up.

Good, good good good!

(Laughing)

Okay, good, keep going, keep going.

Oh no...

Clown shoes.

(Laughing)

(Psycho theme)

Yeah, we’re old-time fighters here.

(Laughing)

♪

Han Solo blaster.

(Laughing and clapping)

Amazing!

♪

Oh, this towel’s covered in gasoline!

(Slowed) I’ll-- I’ll take a class!

I’ll take a class today!

No, you either have it or you don’t, right?

Have you ever seen Whose Line Is It Anyway?

I’m the improviser, I’m a master improviser.

I can improvise.

You can’t improvise.

JAY: Everybody look at the sun!

(Laughing)

(Clap)

I’m-- I’m gonna do one. I’ll do one?

Sure, yeah, absolutely, jump in.

Yeah, I’m just gonna try.

So yeah, we’ll see.

And you got the first line.

Ah, welcome to my lair!

My crown I keep in my stomach.

You’re all my servants.

Uh, let me tell you a bit about my story.

I’m a king from a land where everything is made of gelatin.

Okay, listen, Your Majesty of this jelly town,

I request that you leave my purple town alone.

You’ve earned my trust, Purple Town.

Are you the mayor or the king? What did you say?

Does it matter?

Right, okay.

Does it matter?

Well, I mean, if I’m a king, I’m not talking to a mayor, right?

That doesn’t make any sense.

Okay, but stay in it, stay in it.

Yeah, right, no, but I’m actually--

I’m reasoning with the guy.

Like I don’t mean the real you--

And freeze!

Good, I’ll stop you there with your hand--

Someone come in and tag out Matt.

Are you guys getting what’s going on, like with the...

Like I... I just feel like there-- this should be...

this should be killing.

Yeah, that’s good.

Okay, so Matt, let’s just have you step back in the line.

Yeah!

Did you understand what I meant though?

Like about how the king is the...

I do, but I also understand what he’s trying to do with one line,

and trying to get it to move forward based on one line,

"Yes, and..."

Yeah, you need to give me one thing.

Yeah, no, and I-- Yeah, yeah, I’ll-- Yeah.

So the big thing is what we’re trying to do--

Could’ve been pretty funny. (Chuckling)

I think yours was scripted, and this is called improv.

That’s the sense that I’m getting.

Well see, but that’s right from the best--

Could you actually just take a spot in the line?

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.

Thank you so much.

A lot of it had to do with the crowd not really loving it,

do you know what I mean?

I think he was making a thing like this, right?

Yeah yeah yeah.

You know what, Birdie, I’ll wait for you outside.

You guy-- You know what, this...

(Laughing)

As I said, that really could’ve been quite funny, and I...

(Sad music)

- Okay. - Thanks, Matt.

Okay, great.

A tray full of jewels, think of all the things that I could do

in my life with the tray full-- Whoops!

(Laughing)

I was digging all night for those!

(Laughing)

Um, well, now they’re gone!

(Laughing)

(Laughing)

(Clapping)

Ho!

(Laughing) Good!

- Good, that’s it! - Hai!

♪

♪

Uh, so what’s a burger for when you’re sort of sad?

What’s the, uh, Donnie Burger?

Okay, I’ll take a Donnie Burger.

...come up with really good ideas for burgers.

It’s inspired by his lack of eyebrows.

Tell him the name of the burger

Oh, the Bald Burger.

Can you have them get the Bald Burger up there?

What? (Cheering)

Paul!

He’ll have one up there!

Yes!

That should be the new Donnie choice, the Bald Burger.

No eyebrows.

So I sit down to take a bite of this Donnie Burger,

and I assume okay, I’ll just eat,

and then no, they have a television experience as well.

Oh, we didn’t win with the... battle of the burgers.

Use the Donnie Burger, good things happen.

Take a bite of a Donnie Burger and good things happen?

What, does it grant wishes or something like that?

Yeah, I wish Jay would come in and apologize to me.

♪

♪

Matt!

I thought I’d find you here.

Listen, I need to apologize.

(Gasping)

Holy shit!

I didn’t mean for you to embarrass yourself

in improv class.

You weren’t even supposed to be in that class.

I only brought you there because

I was just trying to get out of doing the kissing plan.

♪

One wish, any burger could do that.

Let’s see if it can do two.

I wish we could go back to the original plan.

I guess what I’m trying to say is let’s go do the kissing plan.

Excuse me?!

The original plan?

Yeah, let’s do it.

With the Donnie Burger, good things will happen!

Om!

I’m a believer!

♪

Okay, so we’ll get-- I’ll get six more of these, and a shake?

You guys have milkshakes?

♪

(Laughing)

- We’re not too late! - Wait wait wait wait!

- Wait, hold on a second. - What?

I just thought: how are we gonna get on the Jumbotron?

Oh yeah, fuck.

I gotta take responsibility, because I had forgot to include

a "how do we actually get on the Jumbotron" part of the plan.

We didn’t figure that out!

Right!

Here we go.

Somehow we have to figure that out now,

because we can’t go in there without that plan.

Wait, I have an idea.

(Crinkling)

(Laughing)

Now to take another bite and make another wish.

How do we get on the Jumbotron tonight?

Wait a second.

What is that, the CT... CTV.

What?

I see the CTV van that we saw earlier.

(Slowed) Hey, it’s CTV!

Oh, they broadcast the hockey games.

They broadcast the games!

We just have to convince the camera guy to let us on.

Yeah!

Magic burger! Magic burger!

Yeah, okay, we’ll go tell them some kinda story where it’s like

you gotta put us on TV.

Yeah, we’ll just make it up on the spot.

I know what this calls for.

Improv!

Yeah, exactly.

So that’s when Jay comes up with the motherload of all plans:

we are gonna improvise a crazy story for CTV

so that we get on the Jumbotron.

I wish I’d come up with that one, man.

That’s fucking sly, Bird.

Let’s go!

Nice one, Bird, you little fuck.

Wow!

You work for CTV?

Lights, camera, action.

So my friend’s a surgeon.

Yeah, and then I’m frozen, touch me in.

And so I came and said, "Hey, you wanna go to the game?"

We’re not getting laughs.

Are they buying this?

But Matt, I don’t know if I wanna go to a hockey game.

He’s afraid of ice even though he’s a surgeon, you know?

These guys are buying it!

It’s like, "Oh, what’s going on here? Oh, the puck!"

One man does the arms, the other does the voice.

They shit their pants, like that was killing them.

I’m gonna play some hockey now for you guys.

They’re grinning, we’re getting a lot of this.

Do I sit like this?

See, at home, you can sit and watch the game,

stand and watch the game.

We’re doing every trick of the trade.

I do this move, the way the banana man go now.

What can banana man do now?

There was one more where you’re throwing an invisible--

Oh, I’m sorry about that, my bad.

I go to one class, guess I’m an improv master.

They’re laughing!

They like the story!

(Burping) They’re believing our improv!

He had a plan earlier to get on the big huge Jumbotron screen.

Yes!

Thank you, man. (Laughing)

We did it!

So they have a thing called the Kiss Cam on the Jumbotron where

they will go to the audience for people specifically to kiss.

Is that not fucking perfect?

The burger is doing wishes

I’m not even wishing for at this point.

I’m thinking what, am I gonna get in there

and have my own horse?

Thank you, thank you!

(Laughing)

Yes! Yes!

(Laughing)

(Crowd cheering)

Oh my god, this place is huge!

♪

Yes! Yeah!

(Cheering)

Everything’s going alright, but I’m still a little nervous.

Oh my god, so we’re really doing this.

Alright, so maybe not-- put away the burger.

Where are you, Kiss Cam?

Where are you?

Starting to think... gotta eat a couple more burgers.

Let the plan work, gulp, let the plan work, gulp,

let the plan work, gulp...

Ah!

Well, I was a little bit worried that

Matt was still eating the Wahlburgers.

At this point, he also did not know that they were

the magical reason for everything that was happening.

Look at this, what is-- you’re just leaving like--

ANNOUNCER: Fans, pucker up. It’s now time for the Kiss Cam.

Oh! Hey!

- Hey, alright! - Alright!

Everybody’s getting pumped up for the Kiss Cam,

and the place is going wild.

♪

Kiss Cam’s on, gotta make sure this works.

Finish another burger.

- Just put it down! - We have time.

- Finish it afterwards! - Hey, I’ll eat it quick.

No, no, put it down!

(Cheering)

So a bunch of other couples are kissing on the screen...

(Cheering)

Then all of a sudden...

(Cheering)

Two guys on the screen.

Gay.

(Cheering)

Noooo!

That was our plan!

(Cheering)

Matt, nobody’s puking.

I’m not paying attention to anything at this point because

I realized I’ve eaten too many hamburgers.

(Cheering)

We’re on!

(Cheering)

Matt, we’re on, we’re on!

(Crowd gasping)

Yeah, I puked.

♪

Yeah, we’ve had plans that haven’t worked.

This is a different level! (Laughing)

♪

Plan didn’t go well, but...

guess I’m kinda getting used to that at this point.

♪

You know, it was a pretty fun day.

Hey, at least we got to see a game.

There’s always next plan.

So not only were the burgers not magic,

but eating them at that volume it turns out is quite damaging.

And oh, and we were thrown out shortly after that.

If you puke at the ACC, you’re gone

’cause they think you’re drunk.

And imagine me trying to explain the magic hamburger.

Well, they’d think you’re fucking insane.

Which was explained to me by Jay on the way out.

I told Jay why I’d been eating the burgers,

and he said, "You fucking idiot.

I could’ve told you that that was a coincidence."

Which looking back makes perfect sense.

♪

I forgive Matt.

It always comes down to the band and having each other’s backs.

It wasn’t a waste of time because what I learned was

you don’t keep a secret from your best friend.

And I’m sticking to that.

Actually hold me to that, mark me on that, because that’s it.

For me, this year...

...it’s gonna be tough to keep up with.

Okay.

(Sniffling)

♪

I’m gonna get you!

Oh, that’s it, you’re getting this kiss!

I was just excited.

You know, I was bummed out that I couldn’t be there,

but I was excited.

And they felt bad that I wasn’t there, but...

Oh no, I don’t want a kiss!

- I don’t want a kiss! - You’re getting it!

You know, just wish I could’ve shared it with them,

but I’ll get up there and visit those guys soon.

♪

Mark, here’s how you sell-- here’s the jingle for you.

Feel free to use it.

- Ready? - Okay.

Uh, okay, yeah, jingle for Wahlburgers as an apology for...

We didn’t do anything to them!

Well...

Don’t call it an apology, just-- it’s a nice little jingle.

With the lawyers, all this stuff.

Look at this, logo’s right in there.

Doing them a favour.

They may not see it that way.

Make it good.

The throwing up and things like that.

You ate seven of them!

Free jingle!

♪

♪ Pleased to meetcha

♪ Here’s our burger feature

♪ Pleased to meetcha

♪ Here’s our burger feature

♪

That’s-- That’s it.

That was just the beginning.

We’re not writing a whole song.

You’re not taking this seriously.

Since when do you know everything about jingle writing?

I feel like if we come up with like a good 5, 10 options...

♪ Are you-- Are you a hungry guy ♪

♪ Hey there, hungry guy

♪ Or hey there, hungry girl

Well, which is it?

I don’t wanna get gendered about this.

♪ Hey hungry guy, hey hungry girl ♪

♪ Or hey everything in between this world ♪

♪ I’m gonna get a burger for you everyday... ♪

We’re gonna write a trans-inclusive burger jingle?

♪ If you’re a guy

♪ Or you’re a girl

♪ Or maybe you’re something different ♪

No, they don’t like different.

♪ Well, they’re not just for me and you ♪

♪ A genderless burger experience ♪

(Sneezing)

♪