Original subtitles

Being a Canadian is a bit of a bonus

because nobody’s got a gun.

You show up with a gun in Canada,

they take you seriously.

You know, I just feel like maybe--

Is this one of those, like, "too far" situations?

Like do we really need the gun for this, you know?

That’s the whole plan.

How do you negotiate without the gun?

You need it to bring it up.

But I feel like that could actually

have some consequences to it though.

Excuse me.

Um, hi, so we’re trying to 3D print a gun.

What do you mean?

- Oh no, it’s not a real... - It’s not real.

Oh yeah, it’s just fake.

It’ll just be one piece, hollow even.

I told you there would be some--

Alright, well, this is not sexual at all.

So maybe if I explain what we’re using it for?

We are going to be printing a gun

to negotiate with the Rivoli.

Well, it’s a last resort.

Yeah, a last resort negotia-- You know when you’re in

a negotiation and nothing else is working?

You bring out the gun.

Huh.

Hmm, so it’s like not allowed.

Not allowed.

Hmm.

(Printer whirring)

(Whistling)

Hey ma’am, how you doing?

Oh, just great, yeah.

Just waiting for this to finish printing.

You know, it’s just-- yeah, it’s...

It’s just a toy.

Yeah, it’s just a-- just a...

Well, I mean, yeah.

(Clearing throat)

Oh god, that was close.

Okay, I’m freaking out.

We gotta just get this gun and get outta here.

Get your bag ready and put it in.

- Get your bag ready. - Right now?

Yeah, get your bag ready, get it.

- And... - Ready?

- Good? - Yeah, good.

Okay, let’s go.

(Humming)

Okay, out this way.

Right, come on, let’s go.

- We did it! - Yes.

- Alright! - We’re outta here.

- Come on. - You know what?

Let me just return these tapes really quick.

I got those VHS tapes, I’m gonna return ’em.

No, no, no!

- Hi, how you doing? - No, you can’t!

What do you mean, return tapes?

No way, we gotta get outta here!

We made it out, we already made it out.

No, we’re not out of the library yet!

We’re not returning any fucking tapes!

Alright, just--

Hi, we don’t have a gun!

(Nervous laughing)

So, I have a couple of VHSes here.

We’re in the middle of a big plot right now.

Some Home Alone, Jurassic Park...

- $85 you owe? - $85?

I don’t have that sort of cash on me right now.

Okay, can I come back and pay?

- Okay, well I guess-- - No, don’t give these back!

Come on, how are you--

How are you gonna negotiate the fees if she’s got the tapes?

I see what’s going on.

No, no, no, no, this is a trick.

Listen, we’ll come back when Jay’s got the money.

She’s trying to get the tapes.

She’s lying.

What’s the benefit of negotiation?

No, no no no, no no no, no, keep the tapes.

Keep the tapes, we’ll come back with the money.

- We’ll come back-- - Okay, you know what?

- I’m gonna go to the bank-- - We’ll go to the bank.

- Withdraw some money... - Thank you.

- I’ll be right back. - Nice try, that’s for sure.

She seemed like she was actually trying to help me out.

Are you kidding?

♪ Lately I’ve been thinking

♪ How much I miss my lady

♪ Amoreena’s in the cornfield

♪ Brightening the daybreak

♪ Living like a lusty flower

♪ Running through the grass for hours ♪

♪ Rolling through the hay...

Wanna sip?

It’s like just syrup now.

Then absolutely no, I don’t want a sip of just syrup.

What are you talking about?

- Why would I-- - That’s my favourite part.

Wait, no, it can’t be just syrup.

’Cause there was ice in it, right, so it’s like--

How long is this line gonna be, do you think?

Okay, but do you understand what you just said?

It didn’t make any sense.

Yeah, my babysitter used to get us slurpees.

He would come...

You had a male babysitter?

- Isn’t that weird? - It’s actually gross.

This is going right through me.

You know what?

I’m gonna go to the bathroom first.

What do you mean first?

We’re getting-- Let’s just get the money and go back.

Go to the bathroom at the library, you’ll be fine.

I don’t know how long this line is gonna be.

I’m just gonna go pee-pee now.

Okay, so how about this, alright?

So we’ve got the 3D printed gun, walk into the Rivoli,

and then when I bring it out...

Here, watch this.

Pull out the gun, and go, "And his name is John Cena!"

No.

I’m saying that’s my line that I shout

when I-- when I bring it out.

I know, but--

To get everyone’s attention!

No no no, it doesn’t-- doesn’t make any sense.

It doesn’t make any sense.

Nobody knows who John Cena is.

The wrestler! People know!

I know who John Cena is, but the Rivoli won’t, okay?

You can’t just pull out a gun and yell, "John Cena."

That’s how you get the attention!

No, the plan is good enough.

We don’t need to add a John Cena part to everything.

It’s a John Cena element.

Ah, put it away, put the gun away.

Which way? (Muttering)

Look, we’ll take out the gun,

just put your finger like this and nod.

Yeah, a friendly nod.

MAN: Nobody try anything smart!

Nobody try anything clever!

Nobody try to be brave!

Oh shit, oh (shushing)

Oh shit!

Holy shit!

(Shushing)

Is that real?

MAN: Stop fucking moving!

This is not a joke!

(Panicked whispering)

They’re really robbing a bank!

I know, I saw.

What the fuck is going on?

(Distant shouting)

- Should we just... - No, let’s hide!

- Shh, shh! - We have to hide!

Hide in the bathroom?

They’re gonna come down here eventually.

They will, (Bleep.)

Shut up.

What the (Bleep) can we do?!

- Shut the fuck up! - Holy (Bleep)!

Shut up, bird!

(Distant shouting)

Okay, okay, okay, okay, I have an idea.

We’ll scare him off with the John Cena.

What?

(Distant shouting)

Hit ’em with the John Cena.

No, no!

No, what the (Bleep)?!

Shut up!

You shut the (Bleep) up!

I know, I know, I will chase them off.

I’ll run up, they won’t be expecting me...

- No no no no! - This will work!

This is not gonna work!

Don’t be crazy.

Jared, help me! Jared!

(Shushing)

Jared, help me!

And his name is John Cena!

(Gunshots)

(Screaming)

(Glass shattering)

(Whimpering)

(Panting)

Matt!

JARED: No, don’t, don’t, don’t!

(Distant whimpering)

Matt?

(Distant whimpering)

Matt, what did you do?

I didn’t do anything!

I ran up just like I said I was gonna do.

I think they shot one another.

(Panting)

- Are you okay? - Yeah, I’m okay.

Is anyone else hurt?

- We were all on the ground. - Is everyone okay?

I don’t think they can hear you, I think their heads are bound.

Hello?

(Relieved laughing)

(Sirens blaring)

Okay, come on, get up, let’s get out of here.

- Let’s get out of here! - Okay, I--

(Tires screeching) Oh shit, okay.

Alright, okay, the cops are here.

(Sirens blaring)

Oh god!

Yeah, okay, yeah, we’re-- so we’re dead.

We’re dead, we’re dead, we’re dead, we’re dead.

- Oh god. - Oh my god!

(Sirens blaring)

We didn’t do anything wrong, right?

Oh no, no, it’s over.

They’re gonna think we’re the machine gun killers, man.

Right, look?

Ah, dude, I touched the gun!

Isn’t that the worst... (Laughing)

That you never do? (Laughing)

Okay, maybe if we put on these masks,

we’ll look more like hostages.

(Panting) Okay.

I can figure this out.

Is this guy black too?

No!

This is so terrible.

- He’s white. - No, this guy’s white.

Okay, they’re a mixed gang.

This is actually kinda nice.

They must’ve been very good buddies.

Maybe they all went to like... art school together or--

Okay, can you just--

Just figure out what you’re gonna say to them, okay?

No, no, we’re dead. There’s nothing I can do.

- We are dead, we’re dead. - No, like--

We’re dead, we’re-- What am I gonna say?!

What am I gonna do, go out there now and be,

"Yeah, I’m the bank robber, da-doy?"

Negotiate with them!

Okay, maybe there’s like a back way out.

Or we could take the stairs up to the roof.

Can you negotiate with them, please?

Just go and...

explain yourself.

Okay, I gotta come clean with some of the negotiation--

At the library, you were big into negotiating!

(Nervous laughing) Yeah...

- Come on! - Okay, but--

Matt, just go and negotiate with them!

What’s the matter with you?

(Nervous laughing) Right.

Okay, I know what just happened...

I’ve never negotiated before!

Oh, Matthew.

I always just said that so I could look tough

in a library setting.

Listen, you go out and negotiate because I can’t negotiate.

I always negotiate bad deals for myself.

I once paid eight bucks for a Jamaican beef patty!

Wait, shh!

- What’s that? - No, I don’t want--

(Yelling)

Stop it, you idiot!

- I’m gonna watch it! - What’s that?

- Uh... - Understand?

Is that a coincidence?

It’s pretty much like a learn-to-negotiate movie.

(Clapping) We watch it.

Yes.

Uh, is there any bank staff here that knows if you have a VC--

You know what? Never mind.

It is the policy of the Chicago police to resolve

all hostage situations with the utmost regard!

Very fuckable film.

I know!

Chief, they have the shot. We can end it right here.

I don’t wanna have them come in here and end it!

Shh!

Take the shot!

Danny!

Oh, his wife, they got his wife.

I’ve gotten too close to the truth, and they wanna...

They’ve closed off the whole street!

Matt!

I know, they shut down-- they shut down half of Chicago.

I am in control here.

You are not in control!

They are!

(Phone ringing)

One of the son of a bitches you sent here to kill me

is about to d--

(Phone ringing)

(Mouthing)

Good afternoon, TG Bank!

It’s the police.

Hi, how are you?

Can you hear me okay?

Great, okay, yeah, so you got the--

- I can see him out here. - Oh, for real?

Oh, you’re outside right now?

Okay, tell him we’re not the bad guys.

- Uh... - Go on, tell him.

- My name’s David! - Just tell him the--

Okay, Chris, can I just ask you real quick?

From your perspective,

what do you think is happening in this bank?

(Bleep)!

Okay, now is there any world in which you think that

there was a misunderstanding, and it was a mix up,

and it’s good guys in here?

Do-- Okay, already with the "do it the hard way" stuff.

Yeah, okay, okay, okay.

So I guess what I’m-- what I’m wondering is--

Hey, I don’t think you’re looking for us!

Hey, I-I-I-I-I-I-I-- Okay, you know what actually?

Sure, w-w-w-w-we’ll come out and talk to you.

Just give-- Just give us a second.

- What are you doing? - Come on, I got an idea.

- Come on. - I don’t understand though!

You need to tell me what’s going on!

Pick up the legs of this guy.

What?

Pick up the legs of this guy!

No, that’s gross!

His legs?

What’s wrong with his legs?

- They’re dead legs! - Yeah, so what?

You eat, like, crab’s legs.

(Shuddering)

I’ll pick up his arms, you pick up his legs.

I’m perfectly capable of picking up his legs.

Prove it, come-- Let’s see the gesture.

Just a bit of a...

You go then I go.

Of cour-- What, you think I’m afraid?

Uh, uh, a dead man’s mask I got wrapped around my head.

How ’bout the fucking Native voodoo on that shit?

Are we really gonna pick up this guy’s body?

Yes! (Screaming)

Show that you can.

Sorry, guys, we’re just picking up his legs.

And his body.

(Shuddering)

Oh Jesus, okay.

Whoop! Doing!

Oh my god!

Okay, okay, okay, alright, alright.

Here, help me get him up.

But you...

How is this gonna help us?

You’ll see!

Oh, you’re gonna show ’em that the robbers are dead!

Okay, okay, so what do I do?

Hey, I’m the negotiator!

- Yeah. - I got this!

- Okay. - Right?!

Sorry for yelling, I’m sorry.

I’m getting worked up.

Okay, ready?

Is it a trust issue you think, with me?

Now aren’t you less afraid of corpses?

Now you’re being normalized to it?

I’m gonna go and just yell down to the cop...

Don’t you say a fucking thing!

Okay, so I don’t get it.

So why do we still need to be wearing the mask though?

If we’re gonna tell the truth...

We are the bank robbers!

Oh my g-- Oh my god!

And here’s what we want!

You gotta bring me the wrestler John Cena

here to Toronto, Ontario!

And he-- And he’s gotta be in a great mood, smiling!

I want him to do... like practice moves on the cops!

Like it’s an outdoor match!

I’m sorry, Dave, I don’t understand.

- I’ve never heard of-- - You got 20 minutes!

You got 20 minutes!

Two zero!

That’s gonna take a lot of time though, so--

- Whoops! - Fuck!

(Thudding)

(Screaming) (Car alarm blaring)

Why’d you make me do it, Chris?

Why did you make me do it?!

Oh my god!

The blood is on your hands!

The blood is on your hands!

What the... (Bleep)?!

Yes!

That is a negotiation!

You see that?!

That’s how you negotiate!

That’s how you negotiate!

(Panting)

I’m sorry for hitting you with the coat.

You know what it was?

I don’t-- Okay, I’m sorry, that’s just too crazy though.

I don’t understand.

What do you mean, too crazy?

Why are you asking for all those things?

Didn’t you hear what Samuel L. Jackson--

- He can’t get that! - Exactly.

We’re asking for things that are so crazy nobody could get them.

- And then when-- - Why?

Because we’re gonna change our demand at the last second.

We’ll say we want our favourite band, Nirvanna The Band,

to play a show at the Rivoli!

And then we sneak out the back!

- Done! - You worked this out.

- I worked it all out! - When did you work this out?

I was watching The Negotiator, and I was having like a paral--

(Phone ringing)

Parallel thinking.

- Sorry, sorry. - Is that them?

Hello!

Chris, okay, alright!

So you see I mean business now!

(Phone chattering)

So how ’bout that demand?

Pretty crazy, right?

And you know what?

I decided we want one more demand,

and it’s that we want...

Ask him for like 20 pizzas!

W-Why do you wanna talk to a hostage? What’d ya mean?

Oh, oh, wait a sec.

Yeah, I know, we can’t, ’cause he’s gonna...

Uh...

(Suspenseful music)

- Wait a minute. - What now?

(Phone chattering)

No...

(Grunting)

Back once again with the renegade masters!

I brought you a hostage!

Yeah, I see that.

What’s your name, sir?

What’s his name?

I’m talking to the hostage.

What’s your name, sir?

JAY: H-Hi, my name’s...

David!

That’s funny, same name as me!

Actually, you know what? I’m playing this all wrong.

Can we go back? I just need to--

No, Jay, what are you doing?

Tell me, is there anybody else inside there injured?

JAY: Yeah, the-- the hostages are all safe.

We’re all safe in here...

Thanks for asking.

Is anybody in there hungry?

What, are we hungry?

- No! - Yes!

I only had the slushee!

We don’t care about food!

That’s a simple, stupid demand!

Anybody could give us food!

Obviously we don’t want food!

Just ask him for the Rivoli show now.

- What? - Ask him for the show!

No, not yet! We still gotta wait.

Now we double down.

We’ve added one more demand!

No, no!

Uh...

We want a plane that’s gonna come in here,

pick up the bank and fly it away!

That’s just a joke that he’s making!

No, David, that’s not a joke!

That’s my demand, and if it doesn’t get met,

people are gonna die!

No, David, I think that that’s too unreasonable now!

David, I think we’re done talking to...

David, I think we should keep talking!

David, I’m-- I--

it’s very complicated that we have the same name,

because it’s making this very confusing for me!

I think that everyone wants to go home,

and maybe the cops should just come in!

- What are you-- No! - The cops should just come in!

The cops had better stay back! What the fuck do you know?

His partner is losing faith, and you can come in now!

It’s a weak spot!

- What are you-- - Come in now!

No, no, no! Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Okay, alright, alright, everybody relax!

- Hold your fire! - Everybody relax!

- Okay, okay. - Don’t do anything stupid!

(Gunshot)

Hold your fire, hold your fire!

MATT: What the fuck? When you did that--

- What are you doing, man? - What are you doing?!

Why are you trying to say don’t come-- come in now?

What are you doing?

JAY: You idiot!

Oh, look, look, there’s SWAT here now!

They’re surrounding us!

- Bird, so what?! - They think you’re a lunatic!

They can’t hurt us, man!

Look, they probably have snipers everywhere!

So what?! Look!

Hey man, kill me!

- Kill me! - Don’t kill us!

They can’t touch me!

They can’t touch me, man!

We’re invulnerable.

- Is Andy shooting out there? - Matt, don’t show your butt!

You’re just provoking them!

We are going to die in here!

There it is!

- Pressed ham on glass! - Stop it!

It’s not enough that we’re being lunatics!

- No, Matt! - Fuck!

- Just stop! - Fuck!

- I’m invincible! - Stop it!

Stop it, get away from the window!

What the fuck are you thinking?

Why are you freaking out about this?

- Have some fun! - Have some class!

That’s true... That’s true...

Okay, let’s get back to the plan, remember?

You remember the plan? Huh?

- Of course, but-- - Here, gun safety.

Gun safety, hand off the trigger.

You keep this on safe, right?

You have it on fire now, see?

Like that.

That’s gun safety.

I’m not having fun with this anymore!

Okay, come on, let’s go!

Oh no, oh, we’ll take a break first?

- Take a break? - Five minutes.

I’m sweating! I’m sweating!

In five minutes, we’re gonna be dead!

In five minutes, we’ll resume the plan.

- Good? - Okay, yeah.

Big finale.

Keep it cool, man.

Oh shit!

Tripping hazard on a roof.

Alright, I’m back!

Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na!

(Yelling)

Okay, okay, truce, truce, truce!

I’m saying truce, alright?

We’re ready to release all the hostages!

All we want is one small thing, alright?

We just want Nirvanna The Band to play a show at the Rivoli!

Nirvanna?

Nirvanna The Band!

Okay, they’re a band...

We’re their biggest fans!

(Suspenseful music)

JAY: (Slowed) They’ve closed off the whole street.

I don’t wanna have them come in here and end it.

You can come in now, it’s a weak spot!

Now they’re definitely gonna come in and kill us!

We’re dead, we’re dead, we’re dead.

Okay, Nirvanna The Band will play at the Rivoli.

Are you being serious?

I promise you, Dave, we can do that.

But we need you to let the hostages--

You got it!

Thank you, thank you, Chris!

You got a deal!

We’re gonna send the hostages out now!

(Applause) Yeah, yes!

Thank you, thank you!

Come see the show, come see the show!

Bird, did you hear that?

I know I always act incompetent,

but I can’t believe that that worked!

Whoa, what are you doing?

Did you-- Did you hear what he said?

Bird, what are you doing?

We’ve gone too far, there’s no way out of this, Matt.

Yes there is!

They got-- We just need to sneak out now!

We got the sh--

No, we’re not gonna get away with this, we’ll be killed.

CHRIS: Come on then, show us the hostages.

Birdy, we got--

I’m sorry, this is the only way this can happen now.

What are you talking-- You’re pointing a fucking Uzi at me?

Put the fucking gun down! What are you doing?

- You’re my best friend! - I don’t wanna die!

I don’t wanna die!

I had nothing to do with this! I had nothing to do with this!

CHRIS: Talk to me, Dave, tell me what’s hapening.

Bird, the guy just said we’re gonna play the Rivoli!

It doesn’t matter anymore, don’t you see?!

What do you mean it doesn’t matter?!

What the fuck, that’s the whole fucking plan!

What’re you doing, man?!

Who cares about the stupid show at the Rivoli, Matt?!

I don’t wanna die!

I’ll get him to say it again, I’ll get him to say it again.

No, it doesn’t matter anymore!

I’m sorry.

No, no, no, no, no--

(Gunshots)

(Triumphant music)

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪ And his name is John Cena

♪ Your time is up, my time is now ♪

♪ You can’t see me, my time is now ♪

♪ It’s the franchise, boy I’m shining now ♪

♪ You can’t see me, my time is now ♪

♪ In case you forgot or fell off ♪

♪ I’m still hot, knock your shell off ♪

♪ My money stack fat plus I can’t turn the swell off ♪

♪ The franchise doing big business, I live this ♪

♪ It’s automatic I win this

♪ Oh you hear those horns, you finished ♪

♪

This is what you call passing the time

before the Rivoli calls.

Any second!

Oh, I thought you were gonna drum roll

right until they called.

(Drumming)

And I’m looking at the phone.

(Drumming)

(Drumming)

Might be a while.

Keep up the roll!

Keep up the drum roll!

(Drumming)

(Drumming)

♪